now that i think about it. abe and mary are seated watching the show. oh, mary. this is wonderful. ok, mary. stop your scolding. i'll be quiet. i need her like i need a hole in the head. [chuckling] mm. oh. bang. [grunting] [applause] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: hello! we're back! boom! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart! [cheers and applause] wait a minute. please, please. we just got back. we've been gone, like, a week. it's been a week. or a decade. or what the [bleep]? like, oh, my god. so much -- so much has happened in that week. in fact, i believe, perhaps, it's best to describe what's happened through a short, one-man black box play, one that

i truly hope will be tony eligible. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] [laughter] can you give me a little shtetl music? [dramatic violin music] oh! oh, i am a democrat! so sad! so cold, so hungry! the world is dark! the world and the future, she's bleak... >> the president's ditch has gotten even deeper. >> there's no path to victory. >> the worst nightmare scenario. >> it's a doom loop. we are trapped in a doom loop. >> jon: that's the worst kind of

loop! why couldn't it been one of those loops made of fruit? but alas, my bowl is empty. condemned to a life of misery and minority status in key subcommittees. oh! nothing will ever change our sad fate... >> breaking news. president joe biden dropping out of the 2024 race. [cheers and applause] >> jon: say that again? but who will guide us out of the darkness? who will take us to the promised land? ♪ i'm coming out ♪

♪ i want the world to know ♪ i feel alive! >> tonight, breaking news. vice president kamala harris now the presumptive democratic nominee. >> a political earthquake. >> there is a new pep in everybody's step. >> jon: in the span of a week, democrats have gone from the despair of a certain trump presidency to the joy of a statistical tie! [cheers and applause] which, right now, that feels like victory! >> already, the prospect of her candidacy has injected enthusiasm and energy. >> she's received a tsunami of grassroots support and cash. >> she's raised a staggering $200 million since president biden dropped out. >> it's a zoom world record. more than 100,000 white women mobilized for vice president

kamala harris. >> jon: 100,000 white women? that is a giant group of white women. i believe the scientific term is actually a "goop" of women. that is called a "goop" of women. $200 million, they've raised! a united, enthusiastic party! a huge reversal in one week! and they said it couldn't be done. >> joe biden is going to be the nominee. >> this is fantasy stuff. this is good for tv, but biden's not going anywhere. >> this is not an aaron sorkin, you know, "west wing" episode here. this is real life. >> joe biden is our nominee and he will be our nominee. >> we literally have three choices as democrats. either you vote for donald trump, you vote for joe biden, or you stay on the couch.

>> jon: i know which one of those options j.d. vance would opt for. [cheers and applause] even i don't feel good about that joke. what do i know, a simple pink pony grandpa? [cheers and applause] that is a reference to being a chappell roan fan, which i totally am. but listen, man, the pundits all said it could not happen, but it did happen! and the republicans are not very happy about it! >> they just steamrolled democracy. >> the democrats are trying to hijack democracy. >> the ultimate election interference. >> this was a coup inside the democratic party. >> a coup d'etat. >> a bloodless coup.

>> jon: but i get it! if i thought i had this thing in the bag and we were going against old joe biden, and then they pulled this, i'd be like, "ref, ref! open your eyes! how can you not see they're coup-ing!" they're coup-ing!" and by the way, i love the disappointment in the phrase "bloodless coup." "this is a bloodless coup." "what kind of fun is that! at least we brought bear spray and nunchucks!" but you know what, i do understand that they're upset. it makes sense. so how about we do this? out of fairness, fair person, you can replace your old guy too. [cheers and applause] boom! boom!

even stephen! by the way, speaking of your old guy, he responded to the change to harris in the trumpiest way possible. >> donald trump posted this on his truth social account. quote: "so we are forced to spend time and money on fighting crooked joe biden. now we have to start all over again. shouldn't the republican party be reimbursed for fraud." >> jon: "do you have any idea? how much money on "let's go brandon" ear bandages i have spent? made in america via bangladesh! my trump is too jerry lewis. but what's done is done, and you're going to have to shift gears, recalibrate. you've had crooked joe and sleepy joe on speed dial. you're going to need a new line of attack. >> she doesn't like jewish people. >> jon: join the club!

we're getting crushed out there. right now, i'm not even sure how much we like ourselves. it's not like the old "seinfeld" days when we were riding high! you know, [vocalizes "seinfeld" theme] [laughs] you could get a bad goal in iowa. give me a smear in ames, iowa. [vocalizes "seinfeld" theme] of course, the attack may ring hollow, seeing as kamala harris' husband is -- let me check my notes -- jewish! do you have anything else that could denigrate all of kamala harris' accomplishments by suggesting it's merely the power of the jezebel? >> it is relevant when a young candidate tries to sleep her way into politics and into power. and that is what it appears kamala harris did. >> she's never won or earned anything. she was legitimately handed her original post in california

state government because she was sleeping with willie brown and then he backed her in her race for san francisco d.a. >> jon: okay, squeaks, i don't know, guys, you're being awfully subtle here. isn't there a grosser way you can say that? >> kamala harris, she is the original hawk tuah girl. that's the way she got where she is. >> jon: that's what i'm talking about! that's the kind of substantive and elevated take from a guy who looks like he's one mike's hard lemonade away from getting in a fight at his sister's wedding. you [bleep]. [applause] you little tuft of hair. you are not fooling anybody, baldy! so sexist, saying kamala harris slept her way to the top. joe biden and donald trump literally slept their way to the top and we never heard a [bleep]

peep about it! [applause] does anybody have a substantive critique? >> her record is extraordinarily radical. let me say at the outset, kamala can't have my guns. she can't have my gasoline engine. and she sure as hell can't have my steaks and cheeseburgers. >> jon: sir, i don't want to be rude, but it does appear that you could at least share some of the cheeseburgers. mm? mm? looks like you'll still be okay, is that right? mm? tubs? good to see you have mutton chops in case you get hungry. mm? but is harris really that radical? >> if you combine bernie -- bernie sanders and elizabeth warren, you get kamala harris.

[laughter] >> jon: if you combine bernie sanders and elizabeth warren, you get kamala harris? there's an app for this... neil patrick harris! oh, my god! it's neil patrick harris! i love that guy! he's the best! come on, guys, nobody believes kamala harris is the second coming of karl marx. and even when they get substantive policy critiques, they undercut them immediately! >> even when she was in california, she was very soft on crime. >> the same kamala harris who, as a california prosecutor and attorney general, put people in prison to use them as cheap labor. >> jon: she's too soft on crime, she's too tough on crime. people, we open in three months! you're flailing! dig deep! >> there's one final thing that nobody talks about: she is hated by people who work

for her. >> jon: oh, my [bleep] god! are you kidding me? >> everyone that worked for kamala quit. >> a very aggressive, angry, bullying boss. >> she's not a nice person to work with. >> she's a terrible boss. >> jon: your candidate is donald trump. his catchphrase is literally "you're fired!" he's the anna wintour of authoritarian wannabes. donald trump hired 44 cabinet members. 75% of them want nothing to do with him. his secretary of state called him a "[bleep] moron." his chief of staff said, "he's the most flawed person i've ever met." you know why he needs a new vice presidential running mate? i'll tell you why. because he tried to get the last one killed! [applause] no, terrible! you want something done, do it

yourself. donald, you are going to have to hit kamala with one of your magic nicknames. >> laughin' kamala. l-a-f-f-i-n apostrophe, laffin'. >> jon: eh. >> so now we have a new victim to defeat. lyin' kamala harris. lyin'. l-y-i-n apostrophe. >> jon: okay. you know what? i hate to say it, guys, but you tried. you gave it your best. i kinda think you have to go back to your classics. it's worked for you in the past. it's your comfort zone. i think you're gonna have to play the hits! >> i think she was a dei hire. >> 100%, she was a dei hire. >> she would be the queen of dei if she were elected. she is dei. >> i think that this whole de&i token hire of kamala harris has

already been exposed. >> this woman, this disaster whose only "qualification" is having a vagina and the right skin color. >> jon: so i guess she is black. or is she? >> she's not african american. her mother's from india. her father's from jamaica. she grew up in canada and she married a white jewish guy. so she has no common experiences with black americans. >> she's not one of you. she's not even married to one of you. >> she's also about as black as rachel dolezal. >> this is how desperate they are. is she black? is she indian? nobody knows. >> jon: two races? in one person? now i've seen everything! i heard she sent her dna to 23&me and it broke the computer! i don't know what to do!

goodness, gracious! [applause] if these people ever saw a pizza hut/taco bell, they'd lose their [bleep] minds. "what is this, a dei restaurant?" for more on the republican response to kamala harris, let's go live to washington, d.c., with senior political correspondent josh johnson. josh, thank you so much! thanks for joining us! [cheers and applause] you have been down in d.c. what is the latest, josh? >> this is a tough one for them, jon. kamala harris is a confusing candidate for republicans. they feel she's too young to be president, but too old to be a woman. but they do have some very promising areas of attack. she's too short. she's bad at video games! all of 'em. "grand theft auto," "mario kart," "mario party,"

"super mario party, "mario party superstars," "grand theft mario party." oh, oh, and she laughs funny. you know, the laugh of a drunk girl who lost her purse and then realized she was actually wearing her purse the whole time. america hates that kinda laugh. it's not that funny, stacey! >> jon: where do you think the attacks are going to land? >> as you mentioned earlier, i really think the winner is going to be: [yells] she's black! [speaks in normal voice] sorry for yelling. that's how it was said to me. >> jon: just yelled, "she's black?" >> no, they have all kinds of attacks ready. i'm seeing, uh, black. black. uh, black woman. i got this one: american-african. which sounds scary when you flip

it like that. >> jon: yep, i could see that. i could see ed. [cheers and applause] ooh, ooh, they were looking at me when they said this one: "like you, but lady!" also got some more black. black. blackity black. urban. doesn't crack. at least they know! ooh, i can't even say this one! oh, my lord. "from kenya." i think that one is leftover from the last time someone was... ya know. >> jon: black? >> you said it, not me. >> jon: so black on every page? >> it's most of the words. >> jon: it's tough. >> yeah.

black to you, jon. >> jon: josh johnson, everybody. when we come back, former mayor pete buttigieg. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪ y'all gon' make me ♪ ♪ lose my mind ♪ ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ ♪ y'all gon' make me go all out ♪ ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ “all you can eat” riblets, shrimp and boneless wings $15.99. all day, every day at applebee's.

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." our guest tonight, he is the former mayor of south bend, indiana, who ran for president please welcome to the program pete buttigieg! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let me tell you something -- [cheers and applause]

let me tell you a story. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [audience chanting "pete"] [cheers and applause] that is all the time we have. [laughter] i got to tell you, so i was coming out, it came out earlier to talk to the audience, say some words. there was a lovely woman in the audience, she stood up and she said, "is the future madam president here tonight?" and i said, i'm not sure what you are saying. she said, kamala harris. i said, oh, you thought kamala harris is here tonight.

she is not. there was a sadness that crept over her face. but you just healed it. you just healed it. [cheers and applause] i swear to god, though, you are for liberals, watching you go on fox news, and discuss things in a rational manner, it is for liberals, like, when gosling hosts "snl." it's just like, he is so good at that. is that an uncomfortable thing to do? is it something you enjoy? >> a little. i never thought that fox news would be, like from a specialty of mine. >> jon: yes. >> it is not something i watched a ton of before i found myself going on it. >> jon: you ain't missing much, sir. >> you know, what i found is that it is important to reach people where they are. even if i'm skeptical sometimes that the network is covering things in good faith, i know lots of people who are tuning

in. >> jon: right. >> so in the same way, back when i was running for president, i kind of specialized in counties that had voted for obama and then for trump. that is how i won are you well, partly through that kind of outreach, and finding people who are not hard-core partisans, but do usually get their information in a very certain and i would argue very narrow way. i have a chance, as long as they will have me on, i have a chance to puncture that bubble. >> jon: do you find anecdotal feedback that it is heard other than a clip going viral or something like that? will you be at home in michigan, will you be somewhere and someone that you know is more red partisan will say to you, hey, i caught you on -- >> yeah, it literally happened to me today. to be fair, it's not like them when i was a rock republican and i saw your four minute fox news segment and i have seen the light and now i'm a democrat. but i do hear from people i know who are more conservative or don't vote the way i do, i saw

the way you lay things out. i understand where you're coming from or i think the way you laid it out could make sense. >> jon: right. >> i am under no illusion that you could just come on the strength of a witty argument -- >> jon: man, are you preaching -- you are right. doesn't do jack. but i get it. >> is a conversation starter. what is the point of having a conversation if you are not speaking to people who don't already agree with you? >> jon: son of a bitch. that is so smart. [cheers and applause] you are having an unbelievably tumultuous week, eight days. has it felt that way inside the administration? how did you find out about it? is it, in that situation, does the president call everybody together and go, "hey, everybody, got some news?" how does that work? >> no, that will be a very long list of everybody. so i found out the way everybody did. i was actually on the plane,

fittingly enough, taxiing in. chasten was sitting next to me and checking twitter and saw the post. so we found out the same way that everyone else did. ever since, i think a lot of us, our heads are spending. so much has changed. part of what has changed is this incredible energy that we have now. i was home over the weekend, stopped by the field office for the now harris campaign next to where we live -- >> jon: today literally just take the poster down and slapping other one up there? it is the same office with the same people? >> pretty much and that's okay. [laughter] because it is the same values and it's the same effort. >> jon: i get it, it's just funny. it is literally, like -- [laughter] >> i will say, they got those yard signs ready really quick. >> jon: they got to keep those almost everywhere. >> obviously, she represents a lot of continuity with the values of the biden-harris campaign and the biden-harris administration but also a different message or, a

different style, different approach and people are clearly fired up and excited. i know i am. >> jon: this is such a strange question and i don't know if you've spoken to him or not. do you think president biden sees that end is like, oh, fine? i would imagine it would hurt your feelings. if that were me, it would hurt my feelings. >> i don't know, i think part of what he achieved, with what it is a really extraordinary thing. i think even now we might be underselling how world historically rare it is to be literally the most powerful person -- >> jon: and just be like, it's fine. >> until a power aside just because it is the right thing to do. but in doing so, i also think he has consolidated his own standing as one of america's great presidents. and i also think he is very conscious of that means continuing to deliver for the next six months. >> jon: what are the narratives about, they bullied him? he was bullied? can you do that to a president? can you be like "get out" and the president says "stop yelling at me!" >> no, that's the thing. it was his call.

he made the call -- >> jon: so the delegates were his. >> yeah. people may second-guess the manner of it or the timing of it but at the end of the day, it was his choice. he made that choice. that must've been an extraordinarily difficult choice, but also the right choice. >> jon: now are you being so -- now she is on the vice presidential search, are you being vetted right now? would you know if you are being vetted? when they vet you, do you feel it? is it a physical sensation? you are being vetted? >> you know, yeah. >> jon: you know when you are being vetted. i am going to vet you right now. >> please don't. >> jon: pretty, pretty, pretty good. all right. what does it require? like, is there are literally a physical exam that goes along with being vetted? >> not that i'm aware of. all i should say about it is that she is going to make this decision, she's got a process -- >> jon: oh, my god, you are

being vetted. everything you say, even that is being vetted. >> [laughs] probably. >> jon: it is so uncomfortable, because aren't you -- do you think the vetting process is different? to be in the administration, you have to go through a lot? >> i was thinking about it because i was vetted to be part of the cabinet. pretty soon after that, chasten and i were going through the process of adoption. kind of the same thing but with a social worker instead of a white shoe law firm. there is a lot of -- a law firm is like, okay, tell me about your finances. and a year or two later, it was a social worker who is like, tell me about your finances. you go through step by step. one of the things that you go through is the journey that adoptive parents go through, you feel like you are -- >> jon: that bar of adoption is that high, similar to getting a high level, security clearance position in government. >> yet, not the exact same obviously, but you know -- >> there is some amount of

overlap. >> jon: were their questions -- where there are certain parts of the vetting process for government where you are like, you are going to let me get away with that? like? you know what i mean? >> if there was not, but if there was, what i describe it on television? >> jon: of course. this is cable! >> [laughs] [cheers and applause] >> jon: the vetting process, because being vetted to be a road comic, the bar is "don't die." but, like some of our public service, i've got pictures in a shoe box that would disqualify me for working from -- it is ba. but for you, you were in the military. pretty clean. >> yeah, i think so. yeah. >> jon: i don't want to say anything but it sounded to me like you are hiding something. >> [laughs] thanks a lot. >> jon: when will they tell

you? do they come to you afterwards and say, hey, we are about to announce it and you made it to the quarterfinals and you were great, but -- will they announce that or do you find out on twitter like everybody else? >> i don't know. what i know is that there is a flying formation -- >> jon: you are going to talk values again. >> probably. >> jon: [laughs] >> what i will say is, no matter what the flying formation will become i am really excited to be a part of this. i'm really excited to be a part of this campaign because i really believe in it. and i feel that energy. i felt it on the ground over the weekend. >> jon: have you been back out on the road since it happened? >> yeah, i kicked off a canvas in the field office and it felt amazing, there was an energy i hadn't felt since i was campaigning in michigan in 2022 for the midterms. it went really well. but, as you memorably pointed out, three or four months is forever. so a lot of things are going to happen. there's a lot of ups and downs, it is going to be a roller coaster. but i think we are ready for

that. largely because i think we are now kind of -- we have a renewed awareness, not just of what we are against, but what we are for. >> jon: right. >> i think that it's really important. >> jon: the message before was "it doesn't matter what you see. that is worse." which is not, you know, it is not so compelling. [applause] you know what i mean? and i don't say that -- i don't say that to be disrespectful. it just seems like what people were experiencing. >> yeah, i think, look, there is a ten tatian for our message to be entirely about donald trump because we are so disturbed about what his return would mean. maybe a little bit more about j.d. vance because of how awed he has turned out to be. >> jon: i got to tell you, boy, did that do drop a turn toward on launch. i've never seen anything like that where one day, they were like, the heir to the maga fortune and the prince j.d. and he came out and he was like "i

hate cat ladies." >> just systematically come in so many people, just not the kid of things he said but the policy ideas behind it. he has this idea that you should get extra votes if you have kids. >> jon: extra votes? >> he's interested you should have extra votes if you are a parent. >> jon: really? you don't even get that in your own house. i am a parent! you don't get anything. >> it's true. i'm starting to find that. hours are not yet three. but it is rooted in a strange idea that it is not just -- he doesn't just say that being a parent gives you an important role as a citizen, which i agree with. it gives a unique perspective on the future. it is that not being a parent makes you less. >> jon: i think that is absolutely. >> he said, people who don't have children -- this is a quote -- have no physical commitment to the future of this country.

>> jon: wow. >> i just think about how, like, no physical coming into the future. like, when i was deployed to afghanistan, i didn't have kids back then, but i will tell you, especially when there was a rocket attack going on, my commitment to this country felt pretty physical. [cheers and applause] >> jon: can i tell you something? this is why -- this is why people love seeing you go on fox shows. that framing is perfect. because it does, it points to that idea that, who are you to tell what is in someone else's heart about what they feel about the future or what they feel about this country and the sacrifices that you may come as you said, without having had children, were tremendous. so it is shocking. i also have to address this sort of strange, i think, false populism on the right, economic populism.

the roberts court has been the least worker-friendly court and god knows how long. >> that's right. >> jon: their policies, you know, they can think about globalization hurting workers and i do think that is a correct formulation. i think we didn't do enough in that moment. but i don't think they realize what right-to-work states, you know, what they think mexico is to the united states, texas is to new york. like, it is a race to the bottom. and there's all kinds of studies that show right-to-work states depress wages, they depress worker safety, they do all kinds of terrible -- so what is this economic populism based on? >> well, it's not based on policy. it's just body language. it's his idea if you just act like you are a populist number that that counts. look, i am under no illusions that elections are just a policy exercise, and a lot of it is vibes, and a lot of it is tile. but if your party has been systematically against unions, against a higher minimum wage, against things like paid family leave, against over time, then

just because you found hulk hogan and kid rock and put them on the stage doesn't make you a friend to the workers. right? [cheers and applause] >> jon: i would only say, it does make you a friend of the working man in the '80s. i think that was helpful. do you -- in terms of that, i wonder, ever since reagan, and i think democratic and ministrations have gone along with it too much as well -- the shift from a labor economy to an investment economy. at the penalties that labor faces versus -- there is no question that equities and the investment market have done unbelievably well since the '80s, right? and that labor has, you know, wallowed much further behind. it is a shareholder economy. why is it so difficult to get workers -- forget about even unions -- a place at the table at the companies? if these companies have done so

well for their shareholders, why can't the workers share in that prosperity in the same way? as why can't they be shareholders? >> i think that's right. although, i will say, one thing that unions are increasingly doing is getting employee is a chance to participate in that profit sharing. for exactly that reason. getting that seat of the table. but that is exactly why it matters, not just kind of what your style or affect is but what you are proposing to do. i would say part of what we can be really proud of from the biden-harris years, i think in a future harris administration too, is a real focus on returning a little more to a worker-let economy or worker-oriented economy -- >> jon: rebalancing. think of the financial is asian, a lot of those trends have been very powerful, the role of the information economy which has merged in some ways with manufacturing because even a car is increasingly part car park computer but it is still really important that we make the cars here. that is part of what we have

been working to make happen. there was a manufacturing recession during trump, even before covid. there is a manufacturing boom now. you have to go back decades to find anything like this much investment in terms of the amount of places around the country where factories are being built. >> jon: there was just a guy, i think it was a mayor, a city in arizona. might have been mesa. wrote an op-ed almost saying exactly that. he is a republican. he is in a border town and he was saying, i'm supporting harris because of the investment act and the infrastructure, because of what they have tried to do. and maybe that is the key, is to get that out in those sorts of places where people might not normally hear it. >> i remember being a mayor in the industrial midwest. the one time that trump fooled me, i will that admit it, something he said that he would do that i believed, when he said he was going to pass as big infrastructure law. i thought he would do it because it is good politically and why not? of course, he failed to do it. joe biden did vary by the way, a

lot of involvement from kamala harris. it is something that i wish back when i was mayor that we have a kind of wind at our back as a city. >> jon: it is terribly hard. it is funny, i went to his college. i thought for sure, i saw the ad, and i went to it, and it turned out, i am not a doctor. >> but i will say this, i think the really important thing to watch with him is not the promises he broke. yeah, he broke a promise about infrastructure, brought the promise about 6% growth, he even broke a promise that he said to the january 6 mob when he said he would be right there when they marched on the capital. actually, the promises he kept are the really important ones. they tell you with an xp 12 administration, if we got one, would be like. he kept two. one was the promise he made to the christian right to eliminate the right to choose. and the other was a promise he made to corporate america to cut taxes for corporations and the wealthy. those of the promises he followed through on. that is what he is about. hulk hogan or not. >> jon: [laughs]

[cheers and applause] that is great. pete buttigieg. from now on, every political conversation in this country has to end with "hulk hogan arnott." pete buttigieg. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

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booking.com booking.yeah ♪ higher love ♪ by: whitney houston summer back then... we perfected the selfie. made our own music... ♪♪ and took fashion to a whole new level. ♪♪ but while each summer may look a little different, it always tastes great. so reach for your favorite chips and sips and taste more summer. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of

the week, mr. ronny chieng! mr. ronny chieng, everybody! so much is going on. what is coming up this week? >> we'll be talking about the accusation that trump's vp pick j.d. vance had sex with a couch. let me just say, for my own personal investigation, it proves that it is really difficult. [laughter] >> jon: uh, ronny, that's already been debunked. it was just a dumb tweet someone made up to make fun of him. it wasn't -- >> oh. okay, well, do you know what ikea's return policy is? >> jon: ronny chieng, everyone. here it is, your "moment of zen." >> i as an american find it offensive that a nominee is being coordinated like kamala. >> what makes kamala harris a remarkable figure.

>> we all owe >> chasten >kamala >> you can say kamala, i couldn't care less if i mispronounce it or not. mispronounce it or not. i could not care less. captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

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- dude, i wonder where kyle is. - maybe he caught a disease and died. that'd be so awesome. - dude, that's not funny, you shouldn't joke about that. - yeah. -who's joking? [door opens] - you guys. you guys. i have awesome news. - you have aids? - no, this saturday for my birthday, my mom said she's taking me to casa bonita in denver, and i get to invite three friends. - wow, casa bonita. - woo-hoo. - what's casa bonita? - dude, haven't you ever been there? it's a big mexican restaurant, but they have, like, cliff jumpers and black bart's cave and all kinds of stuff. - it's, like, the disneyland of mexican restaurants. - this saturday, awesome. ♪ casa boni-ta casa boni-ta ♪ ♪ food and fun in a festive atmosphere ♪ ♪ casa boni-ta ♪ - who said i'm inviting you? - you--your mom said you could take three friends.

- yes, three friends. you're not my friend. - well, come on, kyle, who the hell else are you gonna take besides stan and kenny? - i'm gonna take butters. he invited me to his birthday party last month, so i owe him one. - butters? you're gonna take that butthole? why? - because butters isn't a total dick to me. - i have never been a dick to you. - oh, please. all you ever do is call me names and rip on me for being jewish. - kyle, when have i ever ripped on you for being a jew? oh, yeah? well, you're a stupid jew. you're a jew. shut your goddamn jew mouth. good job, jew. jews. shut up, jew. you're jewish. dude, he's jewish. jew. jew. jew. jew. jew. jew. i told you jewish people don't have rhythm. - [bleep] off, cartman. - okay, except maybe for that one time. - you've always been a dick to me, cartman, and i'm not inviting you. - kyle, you don't understand. casa bonita is my most favorite place in the whole world. i'll just--i'll just die if you don't take me. please. - sorry, my mind's made up. - well, [bleep] you, kyle. i don't wanna go to your faggy birthday party anyway. i'd rather hang out at home than have to be around you and your jew mom for a day. kiss my balls, asshole. [door opens and closes]

[door opens] dude, i totally didn't mean that, kyle. i really, really wanna go to casa bonita. i'm sorry we had that fight just now. you know, i mean, i said some things, you said some things, but i think it was good and we've moved past it. - i'm not inviting you to casa bonita. - well, [bleep] you, kyle. i hope you die. i hope you [bleeping] die. [door slams] casa bonita. come on, you guys. oh, awesome. come on, you guys, black bart's cave. wow, cliff divers. more sopaipillas, please. [mariachi music] - i'm not inviting you, cartman, you can't go. - no. noooo. no, casa bonita, noooo. aaagh. [panting] god dammit, i have to get invited to go. i'm just gonna have to start being nice to kyle.

hi, kyle. - that isn't it, cartman. - what isn't it? - that's not being nice. that's just putting on a nice sweater. - i don't understand the difference. - i know you don't. [school bell rings] - jimmy. hey, jimmy, wait up. dude, i need your advice on something. - well, sure, eric, what's seems to be the p--problem? - well, everybody likes you, jimmy, and you seem to be really good with people, so i was wondering if you could tell me, how do you act nice to people? - well, the best thing is not to act nice, eric. the best thing is to be genuinely nice. - okay, so how do you act genuinely nice to people? - well, eric, part of being nice is just making people smile and laugh. the best way to do that is by telling a f-fantastic joke or a humorous anecd-anecd... anecdote. - like what? - well, like try this one on for size. knock, knock. - who's there? - ingmar bergman. now you say ingmar bergman who?

oof. - take that, jimmy. and that. don't you ever talk bad about kyle again. kyle is my friend. and if you say you had sex with his mom one more time i'm gonna really let you have it. you hear me? oh, kyle, hey. - you really think that beating up a handicapped kid is being nice? - hey, kyle. knock knock. knock knock, kyle. - yeah, casa bonita this saturday. - wow, that's gonna be so fun. - yeah, it'll be awesome, just the four of us. - yeah. [bell rings] - hey, kyle. - well? - well, what? - how are you going to try to get invited to casa bonita this time? i'm not, kyle. i know you already told butters he could go. - oh, well, yeah, i did. - so, fine, kyle, but honestly, i never meant to make you feel like you didn't matter at all to me.

i know we argue all the time, and i give you tons of crap, but we've also been through a lot together, and, maybe that alone doesn't make us friends but it makes us something. so, whatever, you know, just, i hope things can be cool. - i'm still not inviting you to casa bonita. - i know, kyle, i'll see you later. - hey, cartman. you really don't care that you can't go? - i care, sure, but i hope it doesn't mean you and me and stan and kenny can't hang out anymore. - that's exactly what i wanted to hear from you all along. i still have to take butters, but i hope things can be cool too. - good. - and hey, if for some reason butters can't go to casa bonita, you can take his place. - sweet, whatever. bingo. - what's this all about, eric? - butters, can you keep a secret? - well, sure i can. - for the past five days i've been looking out into space for a school project. this morning at 3:45 a.m. i caught first sight of something terrible. - how terrible? - a meteor.

a meteor the size of wyoming-- heading right for earth. - what?. - now look, i could be wrong. i pray that i'm wrong, but i just want you to take a look and see what you think. do you see anything? - i just see stars. - keep looking. sometimes it takes your eyes a minute to adjust. - nope, i don't see any-- whoa, wait. oh my god. i see it, i see it. it's a meteor. oh my god. - oh my god. does it look like it's getting closer? - it is. it is getting closer. oh my god. - oh my god, that meteor is the size of wyoming and it's on a collision course for earth. - when do you think it'll get here? - i, i don't know, i have to do some calculations. 10 to the power of one base nine, divided by pi, plus five minus three. oh jesus. - what?. - according to my calculations, that meteor's gonna hit earth in less than four hours. - oh, you mean we're gonna die? - no. no, butters, we are going to live. do you hear me? we are going to live. we've just, we've gotta find a bomb shelter. - where is there a bomb shelter? - stan's uncle jimbo. he has a bomb shelter in his back yard.

come on, butters, hurry. - aaaghh. - here we go, bomb shelter's down here. - oh god. oh jesus. - all right, we should be safe in here. there's dried food and water to last us for weeks. - but what about everyone else? i have to tell my parents so they can come here too. - no, butters, i can't let you risk it. i'll go up and get the others. - are you sure? - i'm not sure of anything anymore. now butters, listen-- no matter what happens, no matter what you hear, do not come out. if i don't make it back in time with the others, then it will be up to you to repopulate the earth. - but i'm the only one down here, what am i supposed to repopulate with? - well, you know, with your wiener. just stay down here until you hear word from me. and pray, butters, pray for all mankind. - oh god. oh god. - where is butters? we were supposed to leave 40 minutes ago. - well, i think we better just go without him, kyle. it's getting late. - yeah, screw him, let's go. [doorbell rings] oh, finally.

- happy birthday, kyle. i just wanted to stop by and give you your present. - oh, thanks, dude. - hope you have a good one. see ya later. - oh, wait, cartman. - yes? - butters didn't show. you wanna go to casa bonita with us? - butters didn't show? i can't believe it. are you sure you told him the right time and everything? - i told him 5:30, and we gotta get going. you in? - well, i really would need to go home first and get my-- well, no, i guess i have everything i need. okay, sure. - all right, let's go. - okay, boys, get in the car. - casa bonita, here we come. - oh, hello, chris, linda. - hello, everyone. have any of you seen our son? - butters was supposed to go with us to casa bonita tonight. - we know, but, he hasn't been home since last night. the police have been looking everywhere but-- - [sobbing] - well, thank you. please, let us know if you find out anything. - [wailing] oh, butters. - oh dude, weak. - yeah, man, that sucks about butters. well, let's get going, shall we? - nah, dude, i can't go to have a birthday party