- here we are, mom and dad. - hi, welcome to raisins. three of you? - hi, mercedes, it's me, lexus' boyfriend. i brought my parents over to meet her. - great, be sure to try our cheddar poppers. right this way.

- who else wants a signed raisin girls calendar for $5? - woo hoo. - all right. - steven, what is this place? - i don't know. - here you go. porsche will be right with you. - go ahead and have a seat, guys. i gotta go find lexus. - hey, cutie, you having a good time? - yeah. - oh, boy, i think i know what's happened. our son hasn't learned yet that girls will pretend to like him for money. - this place is horrible, to objectify girls like this. - hi, guys, can i take your order? - little girl, you shouldn't be working here. - i shouldn't? where am i supposed to be working? - no, i mean you shouldn't work somewhere where you're paid for how you look. you should be learning a skill so you can grow up to be a business woman or even a doctor. who knows? you could cure cancer. - i could cure cancer? oh, my god, that would be so cool. i had a cancer sore on my lip once, and it hurt so bad. - oh, never mind. i think raisins might be the perfect place for you. - cool. - mom, dad, this is lexus. - hi, welcome to raisins.

- uh, butters, can we have a little talk with you outside? - huh, oh, anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of lexus. - butters, these girls pretend to be interested in you because they know you'll give them tips. - huh? - you see, butters, women know that they can make men do anything by flirting. and some girls, like these, turn that into a profession. - oh, i see, you don't approve of my girlfriend. well, let me tell you something, mom and dad, our love is as pure as a mountain spring. the odds may be stacked against us, but we're gonna give it our best shot. and so if you can't be happy for us, you can just go to heck, mom and dad. come on, lexus. i'm moving out of my parents house, and i'm moving in with you. let's blow this joint. - what are you talking about, kid? we are not boyfriend and girlfriend. - what, lexus, what are you saying? are you saying you don't want to be together anymore? - i'm sorry, sweetie. - so that's it? we're broken up, now? - i gotta give these curly fries to table 12. - well, go ahead and go.

it's best we don't say anything more. there's nothing left to say. it's over, our relationship is over. - ♪ i'm all out of love. i'm so lost without you. ♪ - [sobbing] ♪ i'm all out of love ♪ - look at that, another tortured soul. - another life of pain. - hey, raven, check it out. - butters? - oh, oh, hey, stan. - what's the matter with you? - well, my--my girlfriend broke up with me. - did she step on your heart with stiletto shoes? - yeah, it sure does hurt. - that's cool. i guess you can join up with us if you want. - yeah, we're gonna go to the graveyard and write poems about death and how pointless life is. - oh, no, thanks. i love life. - huh? but you just got dumped. - well, yeah, and i'm sad. but at the same time, i'm really happy that something can make me feel that sad.

it's like--it makes me feel alive, you know? it makes me feel human. the only way i could feel this sad now is if i felt something really good before, so i have to take the bad with the good, so i guess what i'm feeling is like a 'beautiful sadness'. i guess that sounds stupid. - yeah. - no, no, butters, that doesn't sound stupid at all. - thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but to be honest, i'd rather be a crying, little pussy than a faggy goth kid. well, see ya, stan. - he's right. i don't even know who i am anymore. i like liking life a lot more than hating it. screw you guys. i'm going home. - go ahead and go back to your sunshine fairy tale. - okay, it's third down. now, somebody make a play. - hey, can i join in? - what happened? aren't you still wallowing in pain? - yeah, it still hurts a lot, but i just realized that there's going to be a lot of painful times in life, so i better learn to deal with it the right way.

- hey, wendy. you're a bitch. - token? right here, buddy. - oh, dude, it's good to have you back. yeah, let's play ball. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> jon: hello! we're back! boom! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart! [cheers and applause] wait a minute. please, please. we just got back. we've been gone, like, a week. it's been a week. or a decade. or what the [bleep]? like, oh, my god. so much -- so much has happened in that week. in fact, i believe, perhaps, it's best to describe what's happened through a short, one-man black box play, one that i truly hope will be tony eligible. ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] [laughter] can you give me a little shtetl music? [dramatic violin music] oh! oh, i am a democrat! so sad! so cold, so hungry! the world is dark! the world and the future, she's bleak... >> the president's ditch has gotten even deeper. >> there's no path to victory. >> the worst nightmare scenario. >> it's a doom loop. we are trapped in a doom loop. >> jon: that's the worst kind of

loop! why couldn't it been one of those loops made of fruit? but alas, my bowl is empty. condemned to a life of misery and minority status in key subcommittees. oh! nothing will ever change our sad fate... >> breaking news. president joe biden dropping out of the 2024 race. [cheers and applause] >> jon: say that again? but who will guide us out of the darkness? who will take us to the promised land? ♪ i'm coming out ♪

♪ i want the world to know ♪ i feel alive! >> tonight, breaking news. vice president kamala harris now the presumptive democratic nominee. >> a political earthquake. >> there is a new pep in everybody's step. >> jon: in the span of a week, democrats have gone from the despair of a certain trump presidency to the joy of a statistical tie! [cheers and applause] which, right now, that feels like victory! >> already, the prospect of her candidacy has injected enthusiasm and energy. >> she's received a tsunami of grassroots support and cash. >> she's raised a staggering $200 million since president biden dropped out. >> it's a zoom world record. more than 100,000 white women mobilized for vice president

kamala harris. >> jon: 100,000 white women? that is a giant group of white women. i believe the scientific term is actually a "goop" of women. that is called a "goop" of women. $200 million, they've raised! a united, enthusiastic party! a huge reversal in one week! and they said it couldn't be done. >> joe biden is going to be the nominee. >> this is fantasy stuff. this is good for tv, but biden's not going anywhere. >> this is not an aaron sorkin, you know, "west wing" episode here. this is real life. >> joe biden is our nominee and he will be our nominee. >> we literally have three choices as democrats. either you vote for donald trump, you vote for joe biden, or you stay on the couch.

>> jon: i know which one of those options j.d. vance would opt for. [cheers and applause] even i don't feel good about that joke. what do i know, a simple pink pony grandpa? [cheers and applause] that is a reference to being a chappell roan fan, which i totally am. but listen, man, the pundits all said it could not happen, but it did happen! and the republicans are not very happy about it! >> they just steamrolled democracy. >> the democrats are trying to hijack democracy. >> the ultimate election interference. >> this was a coup inside the democratic party. >> a coup d'etat. >> a bloodless coup.

>> jon: but i get it! if i thought i had this thing in the bag and we were going against old joe biden, and then they pulled this, i'd be like, "ref, ref! open your eyes! how can you not see they're coup-ing!" they're coup-ing!" and by the way, i love the disappointment in the phrase "bloodless coup." "this is a bloodless coup." "what kind of fun is that! at least we brought bear spray and nunchucks!" but you know what, i do understand that they're upset. it makes sense. so how about we do this? out of fairness, fair person, you can replace your old guy too. [cheers and applause] boom! boom!

even stephen! by the way, speaking of your old guy, he responded to the change to harris in the trumpiest way possible. >> donald trump posted this on his truth social account. quote: "so we are forced to spend time and money on fighting crooked joe biden. now we have to start all over again. shouldn't the republican party be reimbursed for fraud." >> jon: "do you have any idea? how much money on "let's go brandon" ear bandages i have spent? made in america via bangladesh! my trump is too jerry lewis. but what's done is done, and you're going to have to shift gears, recalibrate. you've had crooked joe and sleepy joe on speed dial. you're going to need a new line of attack. >> she doesn't like jewish people. >> jon: join the club! we're getting crushed out there.

right now, i'm not even sure how much we like ourselves. it's not like the old "seinfeld" days when we were riding high! you know, [vocalizes "seinfeld" theme] [laughs] you could get a bad goal in iowa. give me a smear in ames, iowa. [vocalizes "seinfeld" theme] of course, the attack may ring hollow, seeing as kamala harris' husband is -- let me check my notes -- jewish! do you have anything else that could denigrate all of kamala harris' accomplishments by suggesting it's merely the power of the jezebel? >> it is relevant when a young candidate tries to sleep her way into politics and into power. and that is what it appears kamala harris did. >> she's never won or earned anything. she was legitimately handed her original post in california state government because she was sleeping with willie brown and

then he backed her in her race for san francisco d.a. >> jon: okay, squeaks, i don't know, guys, you're being awfully subtle here. isn't there a grosser way you can say that? >> kamala harris, she is the original hawk tuah girl. that's the way she got where she is. >> jon: that's what i'm talking about! that's the kind of substantive and elevated take from a guy who looks like he's one mike's hard lemonade away from getting in a fight at his sister's wedding. you [bleep]. [applause] you little tuft of hair. you are not fooling anybody, baldy! so sexist, saying kamala harris slept her way to the top. joe biden and donald trump literally slept their way to the top and we never heard a [bleep] peep about it!

[applause] does anybody have a substantive critique? >> her record is extraordinarily radical. let me say at the outset, kamala can't have my guns. she can't have my gasoline engine. and she sure as hell can't have my steaks and cheeseburgers. >> jon: sir, i don't want to be rude, but it does appear that you could at least share some of the cheeseburgers. mm? mm? looks like you'll still be okay, is that right? mm? tubs? good to see you have mutton chops in case you get hungry. mm? but is harris really that radical? >> if you combine bernie -- bernie sanders and elizabeth warren, you get kamala harris.

[laughter] >> jon: if you combine bernie sanders and elizabeth warren, you get kamala harris? there's an app for this... neil patrick harris! oh, my god! it's neil patrick harris! i love that guy! he's the best! come on, guys, nobody believes kamala harris is the second coming of karl marx. and even when they get substantive policy critiques, they undercut them immediately! >> even when she was in california, she was very soft on crime. >> the same kamala harris who, as a california prosecutor and attorney general, put people in prison to use them as cheap labor. >> jon: she's too soft on crime, she's too tough on crime. people, we open in three months! you're flailing! dig deep! >> there's one final thing that nobody talks about: she is hated by people who work for her. >> jon: oh, my [bleep] god!

are you kidding me? >> everyone that worked for kamala quit. >> a very aggressive, angry, bullying boss. >> she's not a nice person to work with. >> she's a terrible boss. >> jon: your candidate is donald trump. his catchphrase is literally "you're fired!" he's the anna wintour of authoritarian wannabes. donald trump hired 44 cabinet members. 75% of them want nothing to do with him. his secretary of state called him a "[bleep] moron." his chief of staff said, "he's the most flawed person i've ever met." you know why he needs a new vice presidential running mate? i'll tell you why. because he tried to get the last one killed! [applause] no, terrible! you want something done, do it yourself.

donald, you are going to have to hit kamala with one of your magic nicknames. >> laughin' kamala. l-a-f-f-i-n apostrophe, laffin'. >> jon: eh. >> so now we have a new victim to defeat. lyin' kamala harris. lyin'. l-y-i-n apostrophe. >> jon: okay. you know what? i hate to say it, guys, but you tried. you gave it your best. i kinda think you have to go back to your classics. it's worked for you in the past. it's your comfort zone. i think you're gonna have to play the hits! >> i think she was a dei hire. >> 100%, she was a dei hire. >> she would be the queen of dei if she were elected. she is dei. >> i think that this whole de&i token hire of kamala harris has already been exposed.

>> this woman, this disaster whose only "qualification" is having a vagina and the right skin color. >> jon: so i guess she is black. or is she? >> she's not african american. her mother's from india. her father's from jamaica. she grew up in canada and she married a white jewish guy. so she has no common experiences with black americans. >> she's not one of you. she's not even married to one of you. >> she's also about as black as rachel dolezal. >> this is how desperate they are. is she black? is she indian? nobody knows. >> jon: two races? in one person? now i've seen everything! i heard she sent her dna to 23&me and it broke the computer! i don't know what to do! goodness, gracious! [applause] if these people ever saw a

pizza hut/taco bell, they'd lose their [bleep] minds. "what is this, a dei restaurant?" for more on the republican response to kamala harris, let's go live to washington, d.c., with senior political correspondent josh johnson. josh, thank you so much! thanks for joining us! [cheers and applause] you have been down in d.c. what is the latest, josh? >> this is a tough one for them, jon. kamala harris is a confusing candidate for republicans. they feel she's too young to be president, but too old to be a woman. but they do have some very promising areas of attack. she's too short. she's bad at video games! all of 'em. "grand theft auto," "mario kart," "mario party," "super mario party, "mario party

superstars," "grand theft mario party." oh, oh, and she laughs funny. you know, the laugh of a drunk girl who lost her purse and then realized she was actually wearing her purse the whole time. america hates that kinda laugh. it's not that funny, stacey! >> jon: where do you think the attacks are going to land? >> as you mentioned earlier, i really think the winner is going to be: [yells] she's black! [speaks in normal voice] sorry for yelling. that's how it was said to me. >> jon: just yelled, "she's black?" >> no, they have all kinds of attacks ready. i'm seeing, uh, black. black. uh, black woman. i got this one: american-african. which sounds scary when you flip

it like that. >> jon: yep, i could see that. i could see ed. [cheers and applause] ooh, ooh, they were looking at me when they said this one: "like you, but lady!" also got some more black. black. blackity black. urban. doesn't crack. at least they know! ooh, i can't even say this one! oh, my lord. "from kenya." i think that one is leftover from the last time someone was... ya know. >> jon: black? >> you said it, not me. >> jon: so black on every page? >> it's most of the words. >> jon: it's tough. >> yeah. black to you, jon.

>> jon: josh johnson, everybody. when we come back, former mayor pete buttigieg. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪ y'all gon' make me ♪ ♪ lose my mind ♪ ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ ♪ y'all gon' make me go all out ♪ ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ ♪ up in here, up in here ♪ "all you can eat" riblets, shrimp and boneless wings are back for just $15.99. at applebee's.

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." our guest tonight, he is the former mayor of south bend, indiana, who ran for president please welcome to the program pete buttigieg! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let me tell you something -- [cheers and applause] let me tell you a story. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] [audience chanting "pete"] [cheers and applause]

that is all the time we have. [laughter] i got to tell you, so i was coming out, it came out earlier to talk to the audience, say some words. there was a lovely woman in the audience, she stood up and she said, "is the future madam president here tonight?" and i said, i'm not sure what you are saying. she said, kamala harris. i said, oh, you thought kamala harris is here tonight. she is not. there was a sadness that crept over her face. but you just healed it. you just healed it. [cheers and applause] i swear to god, though, you are for liberals, watching you go on fox news, and discuss things in a rational manner, it is for liberals, like, when gosling hosts "snl." it's just like, he is so good at that. is that an uncomfortable thing

to do? is it something you enjoy? >> a little. i never thought that fox news would be, like from a specialty of mine. >> jon: yes. >> it is not something i watched a ton of before i found myself going on it. >> jon: you ain't missing much, sir. >> you know, what i found is that it is important to reach people where they are. even if i'm skeptical sometimes that the network is covering things in good faith, i know lots of people who are tuning in. >> jon: right. >> so in the same way, back when i was running for president, i kind of specialized in counties that had voted for obama and then for trump. that is how i won are you well, partly through that kind of outreach, and finding people who are not hard-core partisans, but do usually get their information in a very certain and i would argue very narrow way. i have a chance, as long as they will have me on, i have a chance to puncture that bubble. >> jon: do you find anecdotal feedback that it is heard other

than a clip going viral or something like that? will you be at home in michigan, will you be somewhere and someone that you know is more red partisan will say to you, hey, i caught you on -- >> yeah, it literally happened to me today. to be fair, it's not like them when i was a rock republican and i saw your four minute fox news segment and i have seen the light and now i'm a democrat. but i do hear from people i know who are more conservative or don't vote the way i do, i saw the way you lay things out. i understand where you're coming from or i think the way you laid it out could make sense. >> jon: right. >> i am under no illusion that you could just come on the strength of a witty argument -- >> jon: man, are you preaching -- you are right. doesn't do jack. but i get it. >> is a conversation starter. what is the point of having a conversation if you are not speaking to people who don't already agree with you? >> jon: son of a bitch. that is so smart.

[cheers and applause] you are having an unbelievably tumultuous week, eight days. has it felt that way inside the administration? how did you find out about it? is it, in that situation, does the president call everybody together and go, "hey, everybody, got some news?" how does that work? >> no, that will be a very long list of everybody. so i found out the way everybody did. i was actually on the plane, fittingly enough, taxiing in. chasten was sitting next to me and checking twitter and saw the post. so we found out the same way that everyone else did. ever since, i think a lot of us, our heads are spending. so much has changed. part of what has changed is this incredible energy that we have now. i was home over the weekend, stopped by the field office for the now harris campaign next to where we live -- >> jon: today literally just take the poster down and slapping other one up there? it is the same office with the same people? >> pretty much and that's okay.

[laughter] because it is the same values and it's the same effort. >> jon: i get it, it's just funny. it is literally, like -- [laughter] >> i will say, they got those yard signs ready really quick. >> jon: they got to keep those almost everywhere. >> obviously, she represents a lot of continuity with the values of the biden-harris campaign and the biden-harris administration but also a different message or, a different style, different approach and people are clearly fired up and excited. i know i am. >> jon: this is such a strange question and i don't know if you've spoken to him or not. do you think president biden sees that end is like, oh, fine? i would imagine it would hurt your feelings. if that were me, it would hurt my feelings. >> i don't know, i think part of what he achieved, with what it is a really extraordinary thing. i think even now we might be underselling how world historically rare it is to be literally the most powerful person -- >> jon: and just be like, it's

fine. >> until a power aside just because it is the right thing to do. but in doing so, i also think he has consolidated his own standing as one of america's great presidents. and i also think he is very conscious of that means continuing to deliver for the next six months. >> jon: what are the narratives about, they bullied him? he was bullied? can you do that to a president? can you be like "get out" and the president says "stop yelling at me!" >> no, that's the thing. it was his call. he made the call -- >> jon: so the delegates were his. >> yeah. people may second-guess the manner of it or the timing of it but at the end of the day, it was his choice. he made that choice. that must've been an extraordinarily difficult choice, but also the right choice. >> jon: now are you being so -- now she is on the vice presidential search, are you being vetted right now? would you know if you are being vetted? when they vet you, do you feel it? is it a physical sensation? you are being vetted? >> you kno