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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  July 31, 2024 1:25am-2:00am PDT

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- you son of a bitch, butters. - huh? - you told me i was a ghost! - but i thought you were one. - how stupid are you? so help me god, butters, i'm gonna get you back for this. i am going to get you back! - butters! - oh, hamburgers. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com ♪ make make it ri-i-iight ♪ ♪ 'cause jesus wants me to have a clean slate ♪ ♪ not fakin' it i'm makin' it right ♪ ♪ payin' for my sins and it sure feels great ♪ ♪ make, make it right make, make it right ♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, ronny chieng!
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[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> ronny: hey! welcome to "the daily show!" i'm ronny chieng. there's so much to talk about tonight. white dudes are mansplaining their support for kamala harris, j.d. vance gets his own pussy tape, and lewis black yells at the sun. but first, let's get into our continuing coverage of "indecision 2024." [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ we are now less than 100 days from the election and democrats are super fired up about having a candidate who isn't legally dead. nearly every night now, huge groups are gathering on zoom to raise money. it started with black women for harris, and then black men for harris, and then white women. and last night, white dudes took a break from trying to have sex
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with asian women to do their zoom call. >> monday night's "white dudes for harris" livestream raised more than $4 million, according to organizers. >> more than 150,000 people were on the call. the call included possible harris running mates, actors, labor leaders. among the stars were mark hamill, josh groban, joseph gordon-levitt. >> actor jeff bridges throwing in his star power. >> i'm qualified, man. i'm white, i'm a dude, and i'm for harris. i'm so excited. a woman president, man. how exciting! >> ronny: i mean, it is cool that they got jeff bridges, but if anyone was waiting to see who "the big lebowski" endorses, i don't think that's the group that's going to to remember to vote. but 150,000 white dudes joined this zoom. because nothing says "i will do anything for this candidate" like clicking on a zoom link from your toilet. the white dudes did raise a lot of money, although the zoom went off the rails when someone asked if anyone had a favorite bob dylan album.
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and i personally am glad they found a way to make segregation progressive, but i'm saying, historically, it's not great when white people develop racial awareness. it starts out like, "let's just hang out," and then soon, it's like, "hey, this is fun, we should get some uniforms." but even if you weren't on the man-bun zoom, it's obvious there's a lot of enthusiasm on the democrat side. and you can tell by who wants to debate more. >> i'm ready to debate donald trump. he agreed to that previously, now it appears he's backpedaling. >> i want to do a debate, but i also can say this. everybody knows who i am, and now people know who she is. >> then why not debate her? >> because they already know everything. the answer is yes, i will probably end up debating. but i can also make a case for not doing it. >> ronny: it sounds like trump just lost a debate with himself? [cheers and applause]
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but i don't blame him for having second thoughts. i mean, the last time trump did a debate, he beat biden so bad, they gave him a tougher opponent. that's crazy! trump won so hard, he might lose the presidency. no shit he doesn't want to debate again. if he debates again, either he loses to kamala, or he wins, and they swap her out for abraham lincoln. he's like, "how many bosses are there in this thing?" but democrats aren't waiting for a debate to go on the offense. they've been subtly field-testing a new line of attack. and see if you can spot it. >> the way they address people, it is bizarre. it's weird. it is weird. >> that stuff is weird. they come across weird. they seem obsessed with this. >> a super weird idea from j.d. vance. >> yeah, it's not -- i mean, it's quite weird. >> they are just weird. >> more weird. >> it's just plain weird. >> ronny: weird? what about donald trump is weird? >> [moaning]
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>> ronny: yeah, i don't see it! now, calling someone weird is a bit of a downgrade from "he tried to overthrow democracy." on the other hand, that message didn't really stick! i mean, democrats spent four years being like, "nremember january 6?" and most american were like "we don't remember and/or care." so now democrats are like, "hey, wasn't trying to overthrow the government kind of weird? like, who even does that?" and now people are like, "yeah, i guess that is kind of weird." and the best part about this line of attack is that there's no defense to it. you can't say, "guys, i'm not weird." because that sounds weird. although democrats got to be clear about what kind of weird they're referring to. because people could think they mean "cool-weird" like david bowie or jeff goldblum.
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they got to be like, "no! we mean "weird-weird" like the penguin from batman." what was up with that guy? like, "hey, i'm a bad guy but i'm also into antarctic wildlife conservation." and one of the weird things that they've been hitting them on is this comment vance made in 2021. >> we're effectively run in this country, be it the democrats, be it via our corporate oligarchs, by a bunch of childless cat ladies, who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they've made, and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too. [audience reacts] >> ronny: yeah, if you have friends who've chosen to not have kids, you know how totally miserable they are. "wah, i have too much disposable income! [cheers and applause] my life is so hard, i can fly business class! i still have a sex life. please kill me." so after getting backlash, j.d. vance tried to do damage control, but it turns out, he didn't misspeak. he's been shit-talking childless people for years! >> the controversial comments he made questioning the judgment of
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people without children, they were not a one-off. he told a crowd, quote, "babies are good because we're not sociopaths." he appealed to donors by mentioning the, quote, "radical, childless leaders in this country." "cat ladies must be stopped." >> you go on twitter, and almost always, the people who are most deranged and most psychotic are people who don't have kids at all. >> ronny: yeah, of course they're deranged and psychotic. they're on twitter! that's where they live! it doesn't matter how many kids you have! the most deranged person on twitter has 45 kids. [cheers and applause] for more analysis on childless cat ladies, let's go live to grace kuhlenschmidt. [cheers and applause] grace, what do you think about j.d. vance saying childless cat ladies are bad for america?
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>> hey, man, when you're right, you're right. back to you, ronny. >> ronny: wait, really? what's wrong with childless cat ladies? >> uh, for starters, their houses are covered in cat hair. look at what they did to j.d. he went over to one of their houses once, and his face still has cat hair all over it. >> ronny: i think that's his beard. >> oh. gross. the point is, childless cat ladies are freaks. >> ronny: okay. i'm sorry but aren't you childless? >> yes, but i don't have a bunch of cats all over my apartment. i'm a normal adult woman. >> ronny: uh, grace... there's a whole bunch of lizards crawling all behind you. >> yeah. lizards. not cats. i'm not a freak. >> ronny: how is that better? >> it's obviously better. i don't spend all day petting my lizards, or making an instagram profile for them. i just give them pedicures and
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crochet them turtlenecks, like a normal pet owner! >> ronny: wait, how many lizards do you have? >> i don't know, 40 to 80? >> ronny: grace, that's a huge range! what do you mean, you don't know? >> they come and go as they want, ronny. they're not animals! jasper, stop eating your brother's skin, you goofball! >> ronny: grace, it's not about the animals. j.d. vance was saying that if you don't have human children, you don't care about the future of america. >> what? no, i care deeply about america. because no other country will let me in with 80 to 100 lizards! [alarm sounds] oop! feeding time! come on, guys! now if you'll excuse me, i have to jump on zoom. [laughs] lizard ladies for kamala. we're going to talk about how weird the republicans are! >> ronny: grace kuhlenschmidt, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, lewis black will be here. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]
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octoberfest! winter lager! cold snap! nah! it's sam season [cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show." when a news story falls through the cracks, lewis black catches it, for a segment we call "back in black." ♪ ♪
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[cheers and applause] >> we are officially in the dog days of summer, which means i can finally bust out my slip and slide. it used to belong to the kid next door, but it turns out a lot of kids' stuff, you can just walk up and take! but this summer, it's so hot you can't even make it down the slide without your nuts sticking to the vinyl! >> it's been one of the hottest summers on record across the u.s. >> a relentless heat wave smashing records in the northeast. >> monday was the hottest day ever recorded on earth. the previous record, which was set on sunday, only lasted 24 hours. >> it's hot. really, really hot! >> the hottest day ever recorded on earth! suck on that, dinosaurs! we can destroy the planet ourselves. we don't need an asteroid like you pussies! yes, this summer, the heat is kicking our ass more than usual.
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last week, it was so hot in new york, that -- and i can't believe i'm going to say this -- i asked the hawk tuah girl to hit me in the forehead. and this isn't just your classic heat wave that only kills some old people that no one cares about. the heat is so extreme, it's causing shit that's never happened before! >> blazing temperatures outdoors can wreak havoc inside airplanes. these soda cans all exploded on southwest flights due to extreme heat exposure. the problem is widespread. southwest airlines has reported about 20 employees have been injured by exploding soda cans this summer alone. >> what the hell? it's so hot that our soda cans are joining al-qaeda! i don't want to die in a plane crash because of cherry coke. i want to die because the boeing guys forgot to tighten the
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screws! [cheers and applause] this is a disaster. what happens if planes have to get rid of soda? what am i supposed to drink on a flight now? whiskey? then another whiskey? what am i supposed to mix the whiskey with? another whiskey? no, i haven't had enough, you've had enough! this is clearly a reckoning. but i'm sure humans will take this as a sign that climate change is a serious threat and not a chance for an idiotic photo op. >> at death valley national park, they actually embrace the heat, encouraging tourists to take pictures in front of the park's thermometer, right now hovering around 130 degrees. >> you can definitely feel the heat on your skin. honestly, it's definitely shocking. i don't know how anything can survive out here. >> of course nothing can survive in death valley!
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that's why they call it death valley! guess what they sell at burger king, you idiot! now, you'd think park rangers would be warning people about the deadly heat. but instead, they're getting in on the fun. >> park rangers have a tasty way to show you just how hot it is inside your car. so rangers at sakura national park by tucson made banana bread inside their car. >> some other things you can make inside your car: cookies, eggs, and even stuffed bell peppers. >> who stuffs a bell pepper? yes, global warming means you can cook right in your car. which is great news for my new restaurant, lewis black's hyundai sonata chimichangas. [cheers and applause] the secret ingredient is wiper
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fluid. so yes, as we've known for a while, every year, the earth is getting hotter and hotter, like me and paul rudd. and that's why we need every single government body working to fix the problem, instead of jerking us around with elementary school science projects. >> the national weather service put on a colorful display of the record-setting heat wave hitting las vegas. check out this time lapse of the extreme temps turning crayons into colored cream. this interesting experiment really puts in perspective just how hot it is out there. >> i feel like if you could just sort of freeze that and then, you know, make a little bit of art out of it. >> i think so, too. >> right? yes. >> oh, that's cool. but i mean, really not cool. hot. [laughter] >> ha, ha, ha. we're all going to die! thanks, national weather service. now we all know what it would
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look like if a pack of skittles got its period. so quick safety tip, if you're going to leave your kid in a hot car, remember to grab the crayons first. it's hard to know whether to be more worried about the record heat or the record stupidity. but at least when the earth finally explodes, we'll be eating delicious dashboard banana bread along the way! ronny? >> ronny: thank you, lewis. [cheers and applause] lewis black, everybody. when we come back, director jon chu will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]
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do you guys think we come here too much? ♪ your cousin from boston ♪ summer ale! octoberfest! winter lager! cold snap! nah! it's sam season ♪ i am, i cried ♪ [ laughing ] ♪ i am, said i ♪ ♪ and i am lost and i can't ♪ punch buggy red. ♪ even say why ♪ ♪ i am, i said ♪ ♪ ♪
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[cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the director of "wicked" and "crazy rich asians." i hope he remembers me. he's the author of "viewfinder: a memoir of seeing and being seen." please welcome mr. jon m. chu! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> cheers! >> "gan bei"! >> as they say. >> ronny: so good to see you here. >> so great to be here. >> ronny: this is your new book. i immediately look for where i was mentioned. and do you mind just reading this out so i have this on video? >> [laughs]
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perfect. ronny chieng -- >> ronny: sorry, look into camera. >> "ronny chieng had caught my eye when he did a piece on "the daily show" that mocked a racist fox news segment about chinatown. i love that he was smart and hilarious and clearly wasn't trying to please anybody." >> ronny: thank you. [cheers and applause] this is a crazy, full circle moment. because i guess, i never heard this story from you. but you apparently saw me on "the daily show," that is how you cast me on it. >> here we are. >> ronny: now here we are, we are talking on "the daily show," you are the guest and i am hosting. >> it is nice. when we were -- yeah. [cheers and applause] when we were casting "crazy rich asians," i just wanted to cast asians that i wanted to be like or have the confidence to be like. >> ronny: [laughs] >> and you had all of it. and we were casting an asshole. so it was perfect. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: i will take it.
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>> the reality is, you were already on our list. >> ronny: i know! then i met you on set and you were like, you were always in our pitch deck. >> literally, the pitch deck, ronny chieng, this is going to be the asian avengers!" now you are part of the marvel universe! [cheers and applause] >> ronny: that is great. that word never got back to me. no one told me i was on the pitch deck. i was auditioning. >> we got to make you work for it. >> ronny: i was happy to audition for it. the first thing you told me, when i got on set, i loved how positive you are on set. my first time on any movie set. i was just some small role, i wasn't trying to make it about me at all. but you were so positive. >> [laughs] you didn't at all. >> ronny: you came up to me and the first thing you said was, "hey, man, i see auras." [laughter] and i'm like, i don't want to know my aura. please don't tell me.
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you go, "you've got pink dots on your arm." and i have an injured right arm. i don't know how you saw that. >> well, you shouldn't be on edibles when you meet your actor for the first time. [laughter] if you are outing me as a spiritualist, i don't know if i believe in all that stuff, but i do see colors. >> ronny: yeah. >> i have never said that publicly. >> ronny: i'm trying to get you to say something. you didn't say on colbert. >> it is true. i see colors. you have a lot of blue spikes right now all over your head. i don't know what it means so i cannot actually tell you what it is. >> ronny: i think it is just the lighting. >> and i am on edibles. [laughter] >> ronny: you are always relentlessly very positive. i don't know if you have any words of how to stay positive in these times, because i feel like if anything, like, the world has gotten less positive after we made this movie. but you never stopped with the positivity. i don't know if you have any perspective on that. >> that is part of the reason why i wrote the book. you know, i grew up in an america where people believed in
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their dreams, that you could achieve these things. my parents have a chinese restaurant, i grew up as a restaurant kid, doing my homework at the bar. >> ronny: i go there all the time. in palo alto. >> that's right. i feel like, the american dream still exists. yes, it was maybe not what our parents said it was, and maybe not what we hoped it would be. but the idea of it still exists and we have the power to control what that narrative will be in the future and i really want in the book to show any young dreamer out there or old dreamer, when you are on the cusp of chasing your dream, that it can happen. it is hard and there is ups and downs and it is not overnight. but if you just keep walking, you will end up at some place. i think that is necessary in this world right now. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: no, this book is very
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positive book. i feel like -- i almost feel like you wrote it for kids to read almost in a way, for them to read and see how to navigate kind of dream chasing. >> i also think that everyone has a camera now. everyone is a creator, everyone is on their phones or editing for tiktok or whatever it may be. that's power. that is a very powerful thing in your hand. when i started making videos, it was for weddings and bar mitzvahs and in high school, i was the only one doing it. now everyone is doing it. there is a responsibility when you realize the power that you have and i think there is understanding what that grammar is of audiovisual storytelling and what you want to say is more important than ever and owning who you are. that is why it is called "viewfinder." to find who you are and how you want to express that. and you may have mistakes that you make along the way. but that is okay. it is a constant. it is a routine. chasing your dream is a routine. it is not a goal or a destination. >> ronny: i do want to talk about this next project you are doing. so you have helped asian representation in film and you have helped latino representation in film. now you are helping green
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people. >> yeah. >> ronny: so this next movie project, "wicked." >> yeah. >> ronny: when is it coming out? >> [laughs] it is coming out november 22nd. we have ariana grande, cynthia erivo playing the two witches. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: let me set this up. what made you want to choose to work on "wicked"? >> it is about the backstory of the wicked witch of the west. cynthia erivo plays elphaba, who, in the story of "the wizard of oz," one of the greatest american fairy tales, she is seen as the wicked witch. there is a deeper, darker plan that has made her the wicked witch. when you get to meet her as the young dreamer, you find out that there is more than meets the eye. seeing that story in a totally different point of view is fascinating, interesting, and you get to take apart the american story and put it back together and i loved it. it had a lot of meaning to me, in terms of anyone who
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feels different and what does it feel like to come through, and also glinda, glinda the good and "wizard of oz," goes through a transition. that she could live in a bubble her whole life and never have to fight for anything because she has that privilege, but at some point, she also has to pop her own bubble and i think that is as much bravery as anyone else. to get off your privilege for a moment, to confront some of the things that we have to confront these days. >> ronny: the way you talk about all of your projects, they are all like that. that's how he talks about everything on set like that. it is real for him. it really is. [applause] i just want to say, you know, thanks so much for believing in me on your project. i love you so much. you changed my life. >> you are the best. >> ronny: thanks for trusting me and thanks for making all these really great films. >> thank you. >> ronny: jon chu, everyone. his memoir "viewfinder" is available now. we are going to take a quick break but we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause]
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♪ ♪ ♪ higher love ♪ by: whitney houston summer back then... we perfected the selfie. made our own music... ♪♪ and took fashion to a whole new level. ♪♪ but while each summer may look a little different, it always tastes great. so reach for your favorite chips and sips and taste more summer. ♪♪ can your pad flex with you without shifting? always flexfoam can. it's the only pad made with a flexible foam core with new and improved wings that fit securely for up to zero bunching and zero leaks.
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[crowd noise] i bet allison doesn't get jelly on her shirt. urgh! i bet noah lyles doesn't get smoothie on his jersey. aw, come on. i bet carl lewis doesn't get tomato sauce on his jacket. dang it. urghh! ♪♪ stains happen to the best of us. when they do, tide's got you covered. pasta in paris? when in rome! it's got to be tide. america's #1 detergent. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> remember the bowery boys?
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saturday mornings -- >> what? >> remember, what is the other guy, la everyone we watched on v growing up is quirky and weird. that is what made them special. it started then. i just think that weird is cool actually. [laughter] i don't have any problem with i don't have any problem with weird captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪
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