[ farts ] ew. snuggle! okay. okay, honey. [ farts ] agh. ugh. ♪♪ well? did you have any luck, mr. jones? i'm afraid, commissioner, that the special ed science fair failed to produce more viable water bears. then the nfl truly has no hope. we're done for. not quite. we were able to obtain something else that just might be our future. [ volcano gurgles ] together: ohh! ♪♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michael kosta. we've got so much to talk about tonight. nasa astronauts are about to get very sick of that freeze-dried ice cream, joe biden sends proof of life, and elon musk is mad on the internet. but first, let's kick things off with another installment of "indecision 2024." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] donald trump hasn't been having the best time lately. he's losing ground in the polls, his opponents are dominating the news cycle, and someone just showed him what j.d. vance looks like without the beard. [shudders] so it wasn't surprising that when trump held a news conference earlier today, he had the frustrated energy of a coach after losing four games in a row.

>> are you worried at all about the size of harris's crowds? >> oh, give me a break. >> michael: oh, he's so mad! he's so mad! that's what i sound like when i check out of a hotel and i find out there was a pool fee. it's like, "give me a break, i didn't even know there was a pool!" but all right, man, now tell us how big your crowds are. and try not to be weird about it. >> i've spoken to the biggest crowds. nobody's spoken to crowds bigger than me. if you look at martin luther king -- >> michael: whoa, whoa, no, no. hold on. let's be careful comparing yourself to martin luther king here. i know you were both investigated by the fbi, but that's about it. do not try to say you were more popular. >> when he did his speech, his great speech, and you look at ours, same real estate, same everything, you look at it, and you look at the picture of his crowd, my crowd, we actually had

more people. [audience reacts] >> michael: just so to sum up, trump was asked about kamala's crowd size, and his answer ended up being, "i'm better than mlk." probably not the best answer, but it could have been worse. trump could have been like, "and out of nowhere, mlk decided he was black. when did that happen?" let's move on to someone who doesn't have to worry about crowd sizes ever again: the current president, joseph "rode hard and put away wet" biden. he just gave his first interview since he dropped out of the race. and after a few weeks of resting, being out of the spotlight, i bet he's energized and mistake-free. >> are you confident that there will be a peaceful transfer of power in january 2025? >> if trump wins, no, i'm not confident at all. i mean, if trump loses, i'm not confident at all. [audience reacts] >> michael: nailed it! look, that was a huge mix up,

but everyone, relax. remember, he's not the candidate anymore. he's just the president. so who cares! two months ago, watching a video like this would have driven me to start freebasing percocet. but now that he's not the nominee, i can just freebase percocet for fun. no, i'm just kidding, i don't do it for fun. i do it because i'm addicted. let's move on, because if you're sick of the presidential race and you wish you could spend the rest of it as far away as possible, then you're going to envy these next two people. >> some big news from nasa. those two astronauts that launched on a boeing starliner spaceship for a ten-day mission back in june, there's worry now they may not be coming home until next february. >> february 2025. >> michael: february 2025? they're going to miss the insurrection! they were supposed to be gone for a week, and now it's going to be eight months? and this is not just an eight-month trip, this is an eight month work trip. take a good look around at your

coworkers and imagine spending eight months with them. makes you want to kill yourself live on air, doesn't it? and by the way, they're not going to be back in eight months, either. things always end up taking longer than they say. there's a formula i use when someone else tells me something will be fixed in a certain amount of time. i take that amount of time and add "forever" to it. don't we fake all our space shit anyway? why is this a problem? just open the door of the sound stage in burbank and let these people go home. but apparently, it's more complicated than that. >> nasa and boeing engineers remain divided over whether it's safe to bring wilmore and williams back on starliner. they're concerned helium leaks and engine thruster problems could pose serious risks. boeing believes starliner would bring the astronauts home safely. >> i'm very confident. we have a good vehicle to ring the crew back with. >> michael: yeah, well, if boeing says it's safe, i think we can just trust them on this

one, right? [laughs] [cheers and applause] i mean, their "days without an incident" sign is almost up to double digits! they got this! what's that? oh, i'm being told the "days without incident" sign fell down and killed somebody? oof. why are we even still going to space? there's no gravity up there, and we can't breathe. i think it's sending us a message. we have a planet already: earth! and it's going to be here for at least another 20 years. 15, if you use a plastic straw. but for whatever reason, we're up there. and so, to those poor astronauts who are stuck up there, i personally give them permission to have an affair. zero gravity, baby! it's the perfect excuse. who hasn't gotten stuck in space and floated inside a coworker? it happens to the best of us. [laughs] and finally, let's move on to someone we wish would get stuck in space: elon musk.

[cheers and applause] ever since he took over x, formerly known as twitter, formerly known as a good website, he's lost every advertiser except cheech and chong. which is what tends to happen when your entire website is just nazis peddling cryptocurrency to porn bots. so to get advertisers back, musk could clean up twitter, or he could do this: >> elon musk's social media platform, x, is suing a group of major advertisers over an alleged ad boycott. the suit claims the group organized to block billions in dollars of ad revenue over its concern about a change in brand safety standards since musk acquired the platform back in 2022. >> the lawsuit comes despite musk previously claiming that he didn't care if brands pulled their advertisements. >> there was all of the criticism, there was advertisers leaving. >> i hope they stop. >> you hope -- >> don't advertise. >> you don't want them to advertise? >> no. go [bleep] yourself.

>> but -- >> go [bleep] yourself. is that clear? i hope it is. >> michael: wow, interesting. i didn't think it was possible to look uncool while wearing a leather jacket and telling people to go [bleep] themselves. but he pulled it off somehow. now, the "go [bleep] yourself" guy might not be the best person to convince you that this lawsuit isn't frivolous and desperate and pathetic. but luckily, elon musk hired this lady, linda yaccarino, and as the ceo of twitter, it's her job to give his childish outbursts the veneer of grown-up reasoning, and she explained the whole situation perfectly. >> hey, everybody. i was shocked by the evidence uncovered by the house judiciary committee that a group of companies organized a systematic illegal boycott against x. these organizations targeted our company and you, our users. that puts your global town

square, the one place that you can express yourself freely and openly, at long-term risk. no small group of people should be able to monopolize what gets monetized. rest assured, x has never been more committed to innovating and expanding all of our global town square. >> michael: wow. that was a lot of unnecessary hand gestures. and can we cool it with the "global town square" thing? this isn't the only website for people to express their thoughts, okay? i'm on instagram. i'm on reddit. i've got an onlyfans where i scoop oatmeal with my feet. i'm fine. and i don't do apple cinnamon, so stop asking! okay? but actually that wasn't the only video that linda yaccarino made. here at "the daily show," we just got an advance copy of her next one. >> i was shocked to learn what

people think our lawsuit against advertisers was stupid, and a waste of time. in reality, we are defending ourselves. without advertisers, we will die. people say that we are being big crybabies who don't understand basic capitalism. but we believe that we add x should be able to continue to platform sexual harassers and nazi web see diverse voices without suffering any consequences. there are not one, not two, but three important reasons for this. currently, we are drowning in debt and lawsuits are the only way that we can make money. we are going to win this lawsuit. we need to win this lawsuit because no one else will hire me after this shit. >> michael: [laughs] [cheers and applause]

when we come back, grace kuhlenschmidt attends kamalapalooza. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] with so many choices on booking.com there are so many tina feys i could be. so i hired body doubles. indoorsy tina loves a deluxe suite. ooh! booking.com booking.yeah

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vice presidential pick tim walz. grace kuhlenschmidt went down to check out the vibes. >> i'm here in philadelphia at kamala harris' first joint rally with her newly minted vp pick, tim walz. [whistle blowing] wow. i have not been this excited since t the for a white guy. >> with the pretty people are here to slay. how excited are you about tim walz on a scale from joe biden is running for president to joe biden just dropped out? >> very excited. that is what i will say. >> mostly excited. mostly really excited. >> so excited. he is so awesome. we are pumped. [laughter] >> you look really pumped. >> the excitement is infectious. even j.d. vance's nemesis is here. >> i think walz, i don't know about him but i trust to kamala's instincts. >> these democrats were still discovering their new candidate, so i wanted to bring them face-to-face with the man

himself. >> all right. so here he is. tim, how do you feel looking at him for the first time? >> i like him. i like him. >> oh, shit. >> wait to move my bad. this is tim walz. >> i thought it looked like tim kaine. >> i got them confused. >> he looks like every other white guy. [laughs] >> yet, but he's a teacher. >> true. >> what is it that you love about walz? >> friendly data energy. >> friendly dead energy, that is fun. >> he served his country in so many service ways. >> but can he serve? >> he gives her peers because of him as a lot of positives but nobody wanted to name the albino elephant in the room that makes him such a political asset. >> he is well loved by his state. >> and? >> his name is two syllables. tim walz. >> and? >> i think he will bring the voters that she needs. >> because?

>> we need somebody from the heartland. >> and more relatable to average joe. >> veteran, coach, teacher, gun owner. >> and nothing makes me more secure than a white guy with a gun. >> [laughs] i love it. what a great -- >> i love it. >> farming. >> he knows those people. those are his people. >> "those people." i know what you're talking about. >> oh, the midwest? are we allowed to say "those people?" >> after talking in circles for hours, somebody was ready to come out and say it. >> i mean, she definitely needed -- i hate to say at -- >> someone -- >> someone white. >> it's kind of like, hello, they run the world a little bit. >> yeah. it's good to have a white guy back, isn't it? >> i mean, diversity is wonderful. we can make an exception for a special white male. >> you are right. >> how crazy is it that there hasn't been a special white male on the democratic ticket for the last 16 days, one hour, and

14 minutes? so what was it hard for you these past three weeks, you weren't kind of like, "am i going to have some representation over here?" >> i feel represented right now. so. >> shout out, tim! giving white guys a whole new way to look at the world and understand that they have a place there they can belong. >> by having a black asian woman as a democratic candidate, i think it was necessary that we had a white man. >> right. in a way, was he kind of like a dei hire? >> absolutely. >> so we know tim walz is white. what is he white enough to win all 19 electoral votes from pennsylvania? have you seen the play "hackensack?" have you seen a dave matthews back concert? have you seen him eat yogurt? have you seen him say "i love yogurt" "i love eating yogurt and i am a white guy" have you seen him saying that? >> is he white enough? >> he is close to really white. when he comes to white, he is

right. >> okay, cool. okay, so let's see some real american-style diversity in action. >> in minnesota, we respect our neighbors and their personal choices that they make. [cheers and applause] there is a golden rule. mind your own damn business! [cheers and applause] >> he is definitely white. >> it is clear that this ticket is already reaching across the aisle. >> their platform speaks to us way more than the republican platform. >> this might be a crazy question but have you thought about just being a democrat? >> so, everyone in america, not all republicans are weird. >> i think that is really beautiful. yes, changes in the airfare republicans are getting less weird and democrats are getting less normal. and some things are more the same that never. >> let's look at my camera together right now and say it. hey, white guys! >> the future is happening,

baby! >> we are back! [cheers and applause] >> michael: thank you, grace. when we come back, comedian hannah berner will be joining me on the show. don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪♪ propel is made to help you keep moving with gatorade electrolytes in every drop. ♪♪ propel fitness water with gatorade electrolytes. propel.

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get the fastest connection to paris with xfinity. yeah, i got beer on the burger. gametime! your cousin from boston make anything a tailgate with sam adams octoberfest. (cheering) it's sam season it's mesmerizing. cleaning that greasy mess with dawn platinum... and not even scrubbing. —well, fluff my feathers. — [giggle] it cuts through the slimy stuff better than their old dish soap, removing 99% of grease. that's why only dawn is trusted to save wildlife. [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a stand-up comedian whose new netflix special is called "we ride at dawn." >> i think bachelorettes are cults. and if you are quiet right now, you are in one. because think about it. stephanie chooses you to be a part of something bigger.

and then she takes you to an undisclosed location, scottsdale, arizona. you're dehydrated. you're sunburned. you are scared. you are black out. you've lost $2,000. you've also lost your job. if you even look at another bridesmaid and you are like, "is this a lot?" she'll be like, "do you not support stephanie?" >> michael: please welcome hannah berner! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ i mean, look at this. this is amazing. this is so "daily show." >> i tried to match the energy. >> michael: yeah. [cheers and applause] it's great! it's great. congrats on your special. >> thank you. >> michael: it's doing great.

it's very funny. let's talk about being a woman in comedy. because it seems like a tough path. >> do you want to become one? >> michael: i will become a woman in comedy. >> [laughs] >> michael: in a serious sense, you got to have some thick skin to do this. >> yes. i do think that people wonder why there is not more women in comedy, but starting off and seeing that you have to go to these bars late at night, so many hilarious women are like, maybe there is other things i could do because this is kind of annoying. >> michael: yeah. >> i do think that having tiktok and having other avenues has helped me kind of be able to work on my material a lot without having to deal with drunk people in bars too much. >> michael: but what about just the dudes in the green room judging all the time? i say that as one of those dudes. but there is -- >> do you want to tell them what happened? >> michael: what did happen? what happened? >> well, you brought your dog walter to the green room once. >> michael: holy shit.

>> and i was trying to have a safe, calm energy before my show. and walter just growled at me. and i was already dealing with the comics giving me weird energy. this dog doesn't like me. and i thought dogs could read good character. >> michael: yeah, well, maybe he can. >> [laughs] so -- >> michael: walter is a dick, my dog. >> [laughs] >> michael: and you should follow "daily show" dogs. there's a lot of pictures of him on there. if you had him for the weekend, he would snuggle up with you. >> i appreciate that. >> michael: although, i noticed on your special at the end, the very end, i watched all the way through to the end, you thank some people, one of which is your cat. butters? >> butter saved my life. >> michael: tell me how. >> my therapy cat. >> michael: which is perfect because it says on here, how did your cat say your life? i've never heard that before. how did that happen? >> i am on the board of childless cat ladies. [cheers and applause] >> michael: okay. [laughs] >> [laughs] am i trying to run for something right now? what am i doing? no, but i do feel like there's moments where a cat just being

there for you, not judging you for all of your mistakes and regrets, she just loves you for you and that is important and some hard times in my life. because you know, comedy is a coping mechanism and i think having a really cute animal is a coping mechanism. >> michael: this whole business is people saying no to you. but when i come home, my dog says yes to me. >> [laughs] yeah. >> michael: that sounds very sexual, what i just said. [laughter] i didn't mean to say that. you're special is not -- keep going, michael. don't talk about [bleep] your dog. [laughter] all comics should have a pet that loves them no matter what! because the audience doesn't always love you. >> no, it is true. >> michael: your special -- i am a man. and you say at some point in your special, there's not a lot of men here. you single out a guy. >> yeah. >> michael: i'm sure he loved that. but as a male, was i allowed to consume and watch your special? >> i feel like it is kind of -- you know the reality tv shows

that guys are like, "i'm not into this stuff," but then -- >> michael: [laughs] >> half an hour in, you see him in the kitchen like, "why did she say that to her?" so if you like this is a great special to watch with your guy. i feel like it is the female locker room. girls are like, "see, i'm not the only one" -- can i say queef? i feel like speaking out as a childless cat lady community, and making guys understand this a little bit more. and we like the comedy from a male perspective. it is great to have a female perspective too. [cheers and applause] >> michael: i agree. [cheers and applause] "the daily show" has been on air for 29 years. no one has ever said "queef" behind this desk. >> [laughs] i was trying not to and it just came out. [cheers and applause] [laughter]

>> michael: this audience apparently does a lot of queefing. >> big queef crowd. >> michael: speaking of queefs -- >> there is no way to segue. >> michael: there is no way to segue out of that. i was going to say that we have played tennis together. >> we have. >> michael: that doesn't have to do with queefing but grunting is a sound our bodies make, a different location. >> and grunting is like laughing. which we love to do. >> michael: and we might edit a lot of that out. >> people don't know that when i first started comedy, we hit tennis balls together, and i remember being like, wow, this is a guy who played tennis who is a successful comedian. maybe there is a chance that i could, you know, do well in this business. and look where we are now! it is pretty cool. >> michael: i like how you are saying "we." the reason walter growled at you is he saw the trajectory of your career. he was like, stop her now. no, you played at university of wisconsin madison. >> go, badgers. [cheers and applause] >> michael: go, badgers. i mean, what does this evoke? what does that evoke for you?

by the way, that is her. we didn't just pull -- >> [laughs] no, you know, i was in it. waking up at 6:00 a.m., weights, tennis -- >> michael: look at that. >> yeah. you know, i worked my butt off, and i think there was a moment when i didn't go pro, where i was like, this was all for nothing. i am glad i wasted 15 years of my life. but i do think when we were growing up -- i mean, you are a little bit older than me. [laughter] we -- people weren't aware of the mental health as much. and we knew that it was supposed to be hard and it was just who could push themselves harder. and i didn't realize that you could have fun and be a winner. >> michael: mm. >> and i think with comedy, i have learned, you can laugh, have fun, and also succeed in ways. but it is like, with tennis, i loved it but it didn't always bring me joy. and i didn't realize that you can stop and find something that brings you joy that you will also be good it too. >> michael: i love that. [cheers and applause]

hannah berner. "we ride at dawn" is streaming on netflix. hannah berner. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ “billathi askara” by björn jason lindh ♪ [metal creaking] [camera zooming] ♪ [window slamming] woman: [gasps] [dog barking] ♪ woman: [screams] ♪ [explosion] [explosion] ♪ [lock clicks shut]

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"moment of zen." >> they can convince immediate that this is nice and friendly but for a lot of people it is angry, hateful, divisive type policy. >> these are just facts. i mean, if you know minnesota -- and i know it well, especially milwaukee -- it has changed. it has never recovered from 2020. and it is not the same place. ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪