we should go apologize to roy or something. no, we don't need to do that. who have i wronged? who have i wronged? oh, oh! what about that fat guy from stamford that i insulted? we should find him. you mean tony. jabba the hutt. pizza the hut. fat guys like pizza pepperoni pizza. pepperoni tony. oh, michael. man, was he fat. so, so...fat. you know what, forget it. i know me. when i saw him, i would never be able to apologize to him. too fat. big fat fatty. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, desi lydic! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm desi lydic. we've got so much to talk about tonight. donald trump manages to make elon musk seem normal, kamala harris has a secret admirer, and olympian, gold medalist, gabby thomas is here! [cheers and applause] so let's get right into it with another installment of "indecision 2024." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] donald trump is trying to reach out to undecided voters. but he also knows that sometimes, you got to work the base. luckily, there's one place where all the far-right mouth breathers come together: twitter! or x if you're nasty. what could go wrong? >> overnight, former president trump holding a free-wheeling, albeit glitch-filled

conversation on x with its owner elon musk. >> technical issues delaying it from the start for more than 40 minutes. musk claiming a so-called denial of service attack, saying the massive attack illustrates there's a lot of opposition to people just hearing what president trump has to say, though he provided no evidence of such a cyber attack. >> i think it's pretty obvious at this point. this is the deep state. >> desi: that's right. only the deep state could make elon musk's website suck! just like they're to blame for making his cars look like a delorean whose mom smoked during pregnancy. but if there is a deep state trying to silence donald trump, you suck at your job! okay? he is the opposite of silent. there is no one more unsilent than donald trump right now. hey, deep state: look at me. look at me. do better! do better!

[cheers and applause] but eventually, they solved the technical issue and got the conversation going. although it sounded like the glitch had moved from the twitter servers directly to trump's mouth. >> i want to close up department of education, move education back to the states, where -- >> yeah. >> where where states like iowa, where states like idaho, you know, not every state will do great. >> desi: what is happening in his mouth? i know the guy's big on slurs, but this is next level. [audience reacts] [cheers and applause] and look, i know his speech was distracting, but did sylvester trump over here just say he wants to close the department of education? think this through, trump. without schools, where are you going to ban books from? think, think!

it's weird he's even talking about sending teachers to the gulag, because trump has more popular policies. like his proposal to end taxes on tips. which is so popular that kamala harris now says that she supports it. and trump is not happy about that. >> no tax on tips, and all of a sudden, she's making a speech and saying there will be no tax on tips. i said that months ago. and then all of a sudden, for politics, she says, you know -- she comes out with with what i said. >> desi: look, to be fair, kamala did copy trump's no tax on tips idea. which would make it the first time in history that a woman got credit for repeating a man's idea. [cheers and applause] we did it, girls. and she didn't stop there! kamala also completely ripped off his idea to lead in the polls by three points against a rapidly deteriorating candidate. that was his thing! that was his thing!

now obviously, trump did his fair share of dragging kamala during this interview, but there were also moments that he took it in a surprising direction. >> i saw a picture of her on "time" magazine today. she looks like the most beautiful actress ever to live. i -- it was a drawing. >> yes. >> and actually, she looked very much like a great first lady, melania. but of course, she's a beautiful woman, so we will leave it at that, right? >> desi: ooh, someone has a crush! [cheers and applause] ooh! where did this come from? did he have a sex dream about kamala that he just can't shake and now everything feels different? can't focus on anything, just going through "time" magazine looking for a centerfold. either way, i think we finally found the one thing trump is incapable of lying about. if he thinks someone is hot, he'll say they're hot. he'll lie about winning an

election, but he has a deep respect for the sanctity of bangability. that's noble. that's a noble thing. but maybe my favorite part of the entire interview was when donald trump told the story of how he threatened vladimir putin not to invade ukraine in the most 1990s way. >> i said to vladimir putin, i said, don't do it. you can't do it, vladimir. you do it, it's going to be a bad day. you cannot do it and i told him things that -- what i'd do and he said, "no way," and i said "way." [cheers and applause] >> desi: "no way." "way." where have i heard that high level diplomatic language? >> no way! >> way! >> desi: ah, yes! "wayne's world!"

[cheers and applause] it's like "wayne's world" except the wigs have gotten a lot worse. now if we believe donald trump, and i always do, his conversation with vladimir putin went "no way," "way." and apparently, he spoke to many other world leaders with the same linguistic spirit. >> so vladimir putin said no way and you said way? >> that's right. then he said, but i want to invade ukraine. and i said, vladimir, do not go in there. woo! and he said, all righty, then. and i said, newman. it is worse than ever. they are taking ballots and they are making copies! >> right. >> and then shinzo abe calls me and i pick up and i say, "wa "wazzup!" >> what's up? >> no, you are not saying it right. wazzup! >> when i was president, the

economy wasn't just booming. it was smoking! but then joe biden met the economy and all he could say is "did i do that?" >> yes, and he said, "got any cheese?" >> no, you are not doing it right. everyone asks me, who isn't. and i say "my wife." that is -- have you ever seen "pootie tang"? >> it never got to south africa. >> come over tomorrow and we will watch it. >> that sounds "smoking." >> desi: when we come back, we'll recap the olympics! so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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j balvin! hey, you! hey! get over here! what are you wearing tonight? umm... cheetos, cheetos, cheetos, cheetos and cheetos. oh... ok! (♪♪) [cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show." the 2024 olympics just ended with the traditional tom cruise jumping off a building. for a full recap of the beauty and grace of the games, we turn to "sports war." ♪ ♪ [rock music] >> announcer: it's time for "sports war!" brought to you by gambling! gambling: the only reason we watch the olympics! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> what's up, idiots? i'm ronny chieng! >> and i'm michael kosta! this is "sports war," the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other.

>> so if i say i love baguettes... >> then i say, [bleep] you, croissants for life. and if i say that the best french new wave director is goodard... >> then i say, [bleep] you, truffaut's movies were just as revolutionary but more accessible to a wider audience. >> shut the [bleep] up, you philistine. now that the 2024 paris olympics are over, you'll probably miss watching women's beach volleyball every day in your office. learn how to knock, ronny! but another highlight was the utter dominance of usa men's basketball. >> lebron james, kevin durant, and steph curry in a thrilling gold medal game against host country france, winning by 11 points. >> it's everything i imagined and more. we all signed up for this mission to continue the usa basketball dominance. >> that's right. suck it, france. pack your bags and go back to wherever it is that you came from. this just proves america is the best at the sports that we invent. >> kosta, you drooling moron. america should be embarrassed that you only beat france by 11 points. you basically lost.

that score should have been 270-12. these players shouldn't even be allowed back in the country. hey, lebron james, you stay in france, you think about what you just did. >> ronny, i swear, putting you on tv feels like a make-a-wish. not only did steph and lebron dominate, but they found a way to make it entertaining against a weak opponent. and believe me, it takes real skill to put on a great show even if you're out there with a smaller, inferior cohost. >> kosta, you're the tyrese haliburton of this team. only 1% of our audience even knows who you are. >> well, you're like the seine river. just filled with diarrhea. which brings us to our kosta's big balls bet of the night. which river will ronny chieng mysteriously drown in? ♪ ♪ as always brought to you by gambling. remember, you're not you when you're not gambling. >> moving on to an unexpected olympic showdown: it was the return of the world's

fastest man against the world's fastest virus. >> it was supposed to be a golden moment for u.s. sprinter noah lyles. >> this is where he gets to show his speed. >> but instead, the 27-year-old failed to take the lead in the 200-meter event, finishing with a bronze medal. he embraced fellow racers before he knelt to the ground, appearing to struggle for breath. after the race, lyles revealed he tested positive for covid two days earlier but decided to still compete. >> what an incredible accomplishment for noah lyles, and an incredible embarrassment for the people who trained everyday for four years and lost to a guy with fluid in his lungs. why don't you just keep running off the track, and right into traffic. >> ronny, like my negative covid test this morning, you couldn't be more wrong. this was an absolute disaster for the whole world. he won an olympic medal with covid and ruined the last valid excuse we all had to miss work. your shitty boss is going to be like, "if noah lyles can run 200 meters with covid, then you

gotta keep teaching those cpr classes." >> which brings us to ronny's bigger balls bet of the evening. which disease will michael kosta get next? ♪ ♪ brought to you by gambling. gambling: it will fix everything. let's move on to the athlete from down under that everyone is talking about and sure to be this year's most popular halloween costume. >> australian breaker raygun went viral for her memorable routine. >> rachel gunn, the b girl from australia, failed to score a single point during her olympic competition going head to head with some of the world's best breakers during the sports olympic debut. >> her signature moves include the sprinkler and the kangaroo hop. raygun actually has a phd in breakdance and really is only australian woman to qualify for the olympics. >> wow, thank you, australia! that was inspirational. [applause]

she's the australian breakdancing jamaican bobsled team of the french olympics. she was so bad with so much confidence. some experts are speculating she had ronny chieng syndrome. >> i hope that turkish guy shoots you in your stupid face. this was a terrible moment for the olympics, for australia, for descendants of criminals, for dancers, for kangaroos, for white people that want to be black. it just shows you the pathetic level of talent in australia. you'd fit in perfectly, kosta. >> oh, fit in a country of tall, tan, hot people? well, then i say... g'day, mate. [laughs] finally, as we say goodbye to the paris olympics, let's take a look at the final medal count. ♪ ♪ >> woo! look at that. with 126 medals, the usa has clearly won the olympics.

usa all the way! oh, no. what's that? singapore's only won only one medal. hey, ronny, where did you grow up again? >> kosta, you're a bigger dick than that french pole vaulter's actual dick. if you factor in population size, the u.s. actually finished 59th in medals per capita. and by that metric, you know who performed almost 50 times better than the u.s.? grenada. >> ronny, you idiot, it's pronounced "canada." learn the language. bringing us to our "freeballin' college fund quadrupler" bet of the evening. which country that ronny grew up in will embarrass themselves at the 2028 olympics? brought to you by gambling. it's not an addiction if you win. ♪ ♪ >> all right. well, we're out of time. >> join us next time on "sports war." where we'll debate if simone biles is so good, why isn't she taller? >> oh, you're tall and suck, what's your point? ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

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>> desi: oh, congratulations! you must be over the moon. good lord. three gold medals. one gold in the 200-meter sprint -- [cheers and applause] another gold in the 4x100 relay, another gold in the 4x400 relay. i feel like i just ran a marathon just getting through all of your accolades. this is amazing. congratulations. >> thank you. >> desi: how do you feel? >> honestly, very relieved to be back in america. i was overseas for about a month. i'm just so grateful. i really am. this is years in the making. i've been training for this moment for five years. so to have this all turn out this way is truly incredible for me. [cheers and applause] >> desi: we just saw you win the 200-meter race. you were so far ahead everybody else. what was the moment that you realized, oh, my god, i'm going to win the gold? >> so truthfully, i had been

envisioning my self winning that race over and over again, the entire time i was in paris. so in my head, when i got into the starting blocks, i had already won the race. i believed that i was an olympic champion. [cheers and applause] but the true moment that i realized i had won was coming off the curve. anyone who watches my track career knows that i finish the race is really strongly and the last hundred meters is my bread and butter. so if i can come off the first hundred meters ahead, i know i've won the race. [cheers and applause] thank you. [laughs] >> desi: you essentially manifested this for yourself. is there anything you can do about the upcoming election? >> [laughs] >> desi: asking for a friend. [laughter] one of my favorite moments in all of this was getting to see your mom's reaction, the moment that you won. can you talk about how instrumental she has been throughout your journey?

>> oh, my goodness. i can go on and on about my mom and her support. [cheers and applause] yeah. [laughs] >> desi: give it up for mom. [cheers and applause] >> i mean, my mom has believed in me since i have been born. i grew up with a single mom. i grew up with her and my twin brother. and she has done everything for us. she started as a waitress and then worked her way and now is a professor of an endowed chairmen professorship at the university of michigan. [cheers and applause] so i watched her my entire life work really hard for something and to make her dream happen. and she has always instilled in me the importance of not only education, but going after your dreams and giving back to your community. so she was the best role model that i could have ever imagined having. and she told me, i will never forget, when i was nine, maybe

ten years old, that i had a light in me and that i was going to shine very brightly and that it was my purpose to do so and give it back to the world. i will never forget that conversation. just constantly having that type of validation, having that type of a role model to look up to, it got me to where i am. [cheers and applause] >> desi: as though it is not enough to be a three time gold medalist, you also graduated from harvard with a bachelor in neurobiology. [cheers and applause] you have a masters in public health. do you use your neurobiology education to help inform the way that you train? >> i think so. so i think i actually had a bit of an advantage studying neurobiology when i was an undergrad because i grew to have a very deep understanding of how the brain can actually help you athletically and what was

important. for example, recovery is huge in our sport. it is almost as important as the actual racing and the actual practicing, and understanding neuroplasticity and the neural pathways and how they change when you are doing certain things for recovery is really important. understanding how sleep was very important. if you are not getting enough sleep every day, how that can detrimentally affect your training. how it can affect how you compete and just really having that understanding for it. understanding how going through training and the repetition, the muscle memory, all of that is integral too to being successful in track and field. so actually understanding that and appreciating it i think really helped me. it's different from your coaches telling you, go get eight hours of sleep, you really need it. but i really appreciated it. >> desi: you -- as though it's not enough, all that you do -- you are endlessly impressive, you dedicate a lot of your time towards volunteer work with a health clinic in texas providing medical care for people who don't have health insurance.

why is this kind of work so important to you? >> because i believe everybody deserves equal access to health care. [cheers and applause] thank you. simply put, but when i was in school studying neurobiology, i started taking a few sociology courses as well to complement it and i realized that there are a lot of things we don't learn about the health care system in our regular curriculum. and i was being exposed to it. and i grew a passion for studying and getting a foundation in racial disparities in health care and it just really struck me to my core, especially being a black woman in america. now that i am actually seeing it in real time in austin at the volunteer health care clinic, there are so many things that we can do better. these are people that really don't have access to health care otherwise. i don't know where they would turn to. we are people, it's a volunteer-based clinic. so these are people who are dedicating time out of their day

to give just primary care, preventive care, education, and it is unfathomable to me that these people would have nowhere else to turn to if this clinic didn't exist. and it is just so simple. it's a simple concept, right? we can increase funding for it and people can have access to health care so easily. that is what we do with the clinic. it is really just near and dear to my heart. everybody deserves that. >> desi: so inspiring. [cheers and applause] i refuse to ask the question, "what will you do next?" because for the love of god, you just won three gold medals and you should celebrate it and enjoy it. what i'm curious about is, how are you celebrating this incredible moment? >> i'm just really excited to go back home to austin, texas, to be honest, and spend time with my puppy, rico, get back into my

morning routine, of going to my local coffee shop, go see my friends and family, and get to celebrate with them, just in our home setting. and maybe plan a vacation after that. i just can't wait to get back to my normal life. >> desi: i would say you have earned a pretty nice vacation after all of this. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. >> desi: thank you so much for being here. gabby thomas, everyone! we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ (♪♪) when you get your tools from harbor freight something about the job feels different - your wallet. whatever you do, do it for less, at harbor freight. save even more at our parking

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- we now return to hour four of the "hoarders" marathon. - his daughter told us it was bad, but nothing prepared us for this. - let's watch something else, butt-head. [snickers] - uh... no way. those chicks at school said they love this show. and now we must figure out why so that we can score with them. [chortles] - you've hit rock bottom, but we are going to help you get your life back. - [sobbing] - whoa! whoa, she is really into this dude. look at that. - whoa. - you think she's gonna score with him? - uh... - [snickers] - of course she is. just look at her go. [chuckles] - ooh, things are getting out of hand here. whoa. [snickering] - no wonder chicks love this show. they like to score with disgusting hoarder dudes. - [sniggling] - we know what we have to do. [remote clicks] it is time to become hoarders. let's fill this house with garbage.

[both chuckling] - cool. - damn it, beavis. how are we gonna fill this house with garbage when it's full of all this crap you left on the floor? - oh, yeah, yeah. well, i guess we better clean it up. [upbeat electronic music] ♪ ♪ - and done. - [grunts] we did it. yeah. - we sure did. [chuckles] and now let's get to work. [chortles] [grunting] [clattering] - [grunts] - hello. i'm gary ray smith, the knitting man. welcome to my first episode for my youtube channel. this episode is called "how i learned to knit."