joe biden, everything he touches, to tie in with this, turns to crap. everything turns to crap that joe biden is involved in. donald trump isn't perfect but there are a lot of people listening to us in seattle, portland, and san francisco saying i don't know why my city had to go to hell because joe biden ended up president and we went left wing insanity. >> sean: unfortunately that's all the time we have. thank you for being with us and making this show possible. set your dvr so you never miss an episode of hannity. thank you for great first week at my new permanent home, free state of florida. in the meantime let not your heart be troubled this friday night. gutfeld is standing by to put a smile on your face. have a great weekend. [cheers and applause]

♪ >> greg: love it! yes! [cheers] >> greg: thank you. sit down. sit down! you girl scouts over there, sit down. all right. it's friday, so you know what that means. let's welcome tonight's guests. his favorite karaoke song is pledge of allegiance. she took her driver's test on a tractor. co-host of "the bottom line." [cheers] >> greg: she's lean, keen and

can pass for a teen. best-selling author, kat, and the statue of liberty looks up to him. former wwe world champion. all right. before we get to some new stories let's do this. greg's leftovers. ♪ it's leftovers where i read the jokes we didn't use this week. as always it's my first time reading them so if they suck we'll rojo mackey up in a carpet and toss him off the bridge. [laughter] >> greg: all right. here we go. harvard president claudine gay resigned after accusations of plagiarism. gay said she would have caught the errors if she had a larger pair of glasses. not surprisingly people said

there was something familiar object her resignation letter. [laughter] [applause] >> greg: actor -- reportedly converted to catholicism after portraying a deacon in a movie. thank god he didn't play hitler. choose wisely. new york mayor eric adams is calling texas governor greg abbott diabolical for sending illegal aliens to his city. and when the illegal aliens finally got there, they agreed. [laughter] massive waves resulting from a storm in the north pacific pounded the california coast this week. streets in l.a. were washed so clean governor newsom had promised to install a fresh coat of feces.

[laughter] >> greg: i know. i would like to see how they do that people are now buying $500 dog bed for humans but there is a down said. after one nap you have a sudden urge to lick your own balls. i like how it's lick your own. a tech firm in london is launching a new show featuring an a.i. hologram of elvis. they wanted to make a hologram of liz zo but they ran out of file storage. [laughter] >> greg: according to experts the average size of an erect penis is 5.17 inches. >> you poor baby. >> greg: speak for yourself, said one penis owner.

[laughter] [applause] >> greg: usa boxing has substitute add new transgender policy that allows biological men to compete against biological women. don't laugh. i am a big fan of female boxers. she did my presents at macy's. a florida woman is suing hersheys because the jack-o-lantern shaped candies she bought did not have a face on them like the package. imagine how her kids felt, being raised by a crazy person. bill clinton was named over 50 times in the just released epstein documents. it would have been more but those girls sure can run fast. [applause] [laughter] >> greg: this week president

biden had to be reminded by jill that his favorite food is ice cream. he also had to be reminded who jill is. self-driving cars are now reportedly exempt from traffic tickets in california. i think we found the solution for protestors blocking the roads. earlier this week a 1.7 magnitude earthquake shook new york city. sorry, that was the view switching seats. [laughter] [applause] >> greg: president biden spent more than 1/3 of 2023 away from the white house on vacation. he spent the other 2/3 wrapped in linen inside a sarcophagus.

[laughter] >> greg: according to a recent study the average american feels just 70% healthy. that seems too high, said one man. [laughter] >> greg: to the news, a new report says oops after slandering the troops. it's official. despite claims of the biden white house and their media lackeys saying that our military is full of extremists, even their latest research shows that's a lie and like a gay cousin, the report quietly came out right before christmas hoping no one would notice. and why? because it showed no extremism in the military. of course, if it had shown the opposite, it would be on the front of every news site like one of taylor swift's latest doomed relationships. the dod commissioned the study which was put out by the institute for defense analysis, "found no evidence that the number of sleep. extremists in the military is disproportionate to the number

of extremists in the u.s. as a whole." but you must remember back in 2021, defense secretary lloyd office ordered to be addressed because some veterans participated in the riot and hike magnets, boy, did the media eat it up. here's msnbc, extremism in the military is a series national security threat. the gop needs to act like it. here's cnn. the military has long had an extremism problem. i guess that's called winning wars. what will it do now to finally solve it? and npr, the military confronts extremism one conversation at a time. so without defining extremism they say it exists, and why? because it didn't exist. in other words, they had to create something from nothing which is the same job faced every day by joe biden's presidential campaign. you know what's extreme? lying about people who signed up

to serve their country but are we really that surprised? this is an administration that smears first and investigates later if at all. remember the border agent supposedly whipping migrants when they didn't? biden trashed those agents and the media applaud it and when the truth came out no apology was given as the media quickly buried it like a cat in a litter box. why? they were using american citizens to create a lie that our country is rife with racist hate. therefore, voters would need to cling to joe and the democrats for safety. an absence of sound policy ideas, that's all they have but now once again that's shown to be full on b.s. and now the media refuses to cover it. they refuse to defend our maligned troops. meanwhile, when it comes to the epstein court filings the media bends over backwards to point out that all the famous names mentioned weren't accused of any wrongdoing. apparently it's innocent until proven guilty when it comes to epstein's pals but if you're a

border patrol agent, a maga sporter or in the military you're guilty as smeared. [applause] >> greg: if only our troops had better lawyers. mean while, about epstein it's weird that biden hasn't said a thing about that perhaps because whatever happened on that island, it's a little too close to home. [applause] >> greg: told you. pete, you're a u.s. army veteran or so you claim. this should piss you off because when this accusation was put forth that premise was universally accepted in the media and by by people who dare not even question if there was any data. >> take lloyd miller and austin,

if this military is so racist, if our ranks are full of extremists, who was in charge over the last couple of decades? where have you been? all those platoon leaders and staff sergeants that you've allowed to be ku klux klan, what did you do about knit like for decades they have been kowtowing to their political handlers who were more interest in socio-justice or whatever ism that's involved, they are running around talking about white rage about a problem they know doesn't exist. because if you've been in units as i have been very recently, in fact, i was holding a riot shield outside the white house during the riots of summer of 2020, a little odd when you're standing shoulder to shoulder with black guys and white guys and hispanic guys and the white house is behind you and there is real extremism in front of you, i can't imagine what i heard from these people toward black soldiers. what the antifa and blm rioters were saying to the blacks.

that was real racist and what we were doing standing shoulder-to-shoulder, all the leaders of the pentagon know. this they knew it was a study, you're taught to focus on merit and your responsibility and then they bury it and don't want to talk about it. >> greg: yes. [applause] >> greg: amen. amen. while we're obsessed with so-called extremism in the military, hamas, who attacks, and we were surprised, because we thought the number one threat was inside. >> absolutely. still on the internet, i'm pissed more than usual. [laughter] >> this is "times" magazine, have you witnessed far right extremism inside the military

and it's a little survey you can fill out because those [ bleep ] don't know anybody in actual service of the country. so there is that. >> greg: that's true. >> that's true. [applause] >> this is all at a time when our fighting forces is the smallest it's been since before world war ii, when recruiting was a huge problem, when trust in the military has plummeted to a record low, so we need a volunteer army of just regular ole americans who will gently punish these lying hysterics or these hysterical liars. i'm signing up, like i got this great oyster shucker for christmas. that will do a number on somebody's tires. >> greg: yes. >> i was like, whoa. >> greg: i'm glad she said tires. >> yes, whoa. >> a little flaming feces,

bovine, canine, whatever you need. i'm -- [applause] >> greg: kat, this must be especially difficult for you because you're married to a veteran, and he is a racist. i'm joking. he's not a racist. >> that explains the wedding invite not showing up. >> greg: i'm kidding, he's so nice. >> he's also nice to you and he's not even here. >> he literally did her hair while we made fun of him. at the salon. >> i did make up a song. >> kat: and he did serve this country. >> greg: yes. [applause] >> kat: and when he was in the same unit as pete was actually, not at the same time, but i think it's so awful that these people who literally sign their lives for this country, right? and the same people who are like, yes, i know that we've sent you away to fight in these

wars that we've been lying about a lot and people have died, but we don't want to talk about that. instead we're going to talk about how probably you guys are a bunch of violent racists. it's truly disgusting, and it has to be a distraction, not the people who are actually fighting, they say it's the suits not the boots, that are there, decades of accountability, let's talk about something we'll just make up instead. >> greg: tyus, it still bugs me, we were covering this epstein stuff and every time, none of these people have been charged. we have to say that legally, but when this story ran, everybody in the media said, oh, you know, extremism is in the military. that's just a given. >> greg, i'm sorry, pete, there is extremism in and around the military. >> greg: yes. >> they are the ones reporting

on it. [ bleep ] it's the extremist who is are attacking the military, just the idea of young men who usually come from lower socioeconomic cal places join the military to see the world and work together and let's say me and pete were in the foxhole together and he got hit. he needed a pint of blood and somebody to carry him out and it was just me, i said, pete, i'll wait for o'reilly. wait for o'reilly. no, seriously, i'll carry you out. no, no, no. i'll wait. i'll wait. it doesn't happen. no one is ever with enemy fire coming down looking around going, how long is the black guy going to be in the foxhole? it's made up, but it's by the extremists and to your point, greg, they never investigate. because it's not about, this is how they work. they just say [ bleep ], and they don't -- they feel the military is racist because these

guys get up at 4:00 a.m. and they train and they do it for god and country, and their family. and they are willing to bleed to keep us on couches talk [ bleep ], and all of that takes hard work. [applause] >> hard work, integrity and accountability, and that's extreme to the progressives. >> greg: there you go. [applause] >> greg: well said. up next, would you beat someone up for a stainless steel cup. >> [applause] to duckduckgo on all your devie

duckduckgo comes with a built-n engine like google, but it's pi and doesn't spy on your searchs and duckduckgo lets you browse like chrome, but it blocks cooi and creepy ads that follow youa from google and other companie.

and there's no catch. it's fre. we make money from ads, but they don't follow you aroud join the millions of people taking back their privacy by downloading duckduckgo on all your devices today. ♪ >> now it time for what's wrong with these people? [applause] >> greg: what's wrong with these people? the public runs amok over a stupid pink cup. people across the country are going insane trying to get tear hands on a limited edition goebel be imsold exclusively at target located between the ladies jaw straps and the gender neutral tampons, but one guy took it too far as always. watch. >> go, go, go!

get out of here. >> they just tried to grab it. look at them. they are trying to steal. guys, this is insane. look at this. stupid. get him. get him. stop him. stop him. stop him. yes. stop him. i didn't touch him. i didn't touch him. look at this. he's insane. >> look at this. >> greg: all of that for a stupid cup. it not like a beanie baby. what makes this tumbler so special? nothing really. it's just a cup but mom influencers on tik tok made them popular. more proof that china owns our brains but at least there are people willing to pay for it and it's nice to see people lining up besides protesting israel and those containers are indeed

built to last. and in the future can be used for spare change. >> how dare you. >> greg: what -- people are literally carrying around a pot of coffee now? it's like, i don't have enough beverage. at this rate we're going to have like these restaurant beverage containers strapped to our back with a straw in our mouth. >> is it coffee, though, greg? >> kat: i question what beverages are being toted around in these things but, i'm into this because, when i walk my dog, i will put wine in a little short wine glass and walk around. and you get judged by virtually everybody you encounter, so it's 10:00 in the morning. so i appreciate the opacity of this vessel. but what -- i do we the cleanliness of the straw. what kind of bacteria and mucous

you're going to get from not cleaning the straw properly. >> greg: interesting. i didn't think of that. i know how you feel. >> why would you want that pink one that everyone in their mom is going to have when you could have a fox exclusive tyus, one of a kind, one of a kind. [cheers] >> i'll start the bidding, i don't know, $10,000, and for the lucky older ladies who have been dying for this for a long time, my dna. [applause] >> unfortunately, someone will try to buy it, and his name probably will be john. this is stupid, greg. but at the same time, mine is not. this is -- you know when it was nice, you know my favorite thing in the world? i love when white women customer. it makes me giggle. it's just so cute, you know what

i'm saying? get the [ bleep ] -- it's the cutest thing and the only time it's not is when dagan customers because it's like i'm still tucked up from the oyster thing. >> greg: i just realize the cup has a lot to do with proportionate. this is not a large cup to you. >> no, this is pinky. tiny, so small. >> would you be like this, watching a little kid drink. [laughter] >> you know how the kids do to breath after they drink too much? >> isn't it proof that people desire something because someone else desires it? >> greg: that's the way it always is. people can't make up their minds what they like until they see somebody else want it. >> kat: i'm jealous of these people. you know how hard it is for me to feel alive. perhaps the most intoxicating feeling in all of human

existence is a love that's so passionate and strong that it makes you behave irrationally. people will blow up their lives for it and these people feel it for a cup. it's crazy, it like especially in january, i'm so dead inside and people are like, a cup and it's pink? i'll wait in the cold to 3:00 a.m. for you, cup, that is pink. [laughter] >> kat: if only -- >> greg: is this more proof that tik tok is really like -- i think everything bad that happens in the united states is born from tik tok, which is run by china. >> it made me think, is there a run on stanley cups in beijing? >> greg: no. >> probably not. >> greg: no, no. >> although these are probably made in beijing. >> they are, yes, they are. >> you can look on the bottom of tyus' cup. >> mine is actually full of

pockets, too. you can do the test. yep, it's made in china. and fox left the sticker on there. >> and i have one in my office as well so there are two but i got rid of the straw right away because no man should drink -- >> you just blew my whole thing. no blood transfusion for [laughter] [applause] >> no straw. >> greg: it's a bad look. i've seen what you wear. up next, how crime keeps locals away from the great white way. >> that's racist. even a little blurry vision can distort things. and something serious may be behind those itchy eyes. up to 50% of people with graves' could develop a different condition

called thyroid eye disease, which should be treated by a different doctor. see an expert. find a t-e-d eye specialist at isitted.com

>> a story in five words. ♪ [applause] >> greg: five words. broadway musical screwed by crime. okay, kat, according to new

data, that's my favorite kind, broadway ticket sales for new york's suburbanites were the lowest recorded in 280 years. no, it's 23 years. but they list safety concerns as a major reason. you know, given your love of musicals, has the danger of city streets affected your musical going capabilities? >> kat: i would say it's unaffected. for people who are not used to maybe seeing the walking dead outside, on your commute, like, for me, i'm just used to weaving, but if you're from wisconsin suburbs, i can see how, i could see how you might find it startling but for the reason i'm not seeing the musicals is because of the singing. >> greg: i would love musicals if they didn't have any music. >> kat: and the opera, who is going to the opera?

i'm convinced the opera is a money laundering operation. who wants to pay hundreds of dollars to sit there and listen to people sing in italian? >> greg: yes. it's run by the fat lady. >> pete does. >> kat: what's right with the opera? i have a tv and i understand what they are saying on that. >> i don't go to the opera even though i'm defending it. when i was giving blood that's all they talked about. if i could just get back other opera, tyus. >> greg: what you're seeing right here they call the fox and friends syndrome. when someone gives an opinion you have to go, oh, yeah, not so. >> kat: i didn't know the guy with the constitution tattoo was mr. opera. you don't own whatever spectacles. you're going to get some. [laughter] >> those two are in a foxhole. i would say my, my view on this

is, i've been to wisconsin, my dad is is from the suburbs of minneapolis, he doesn't go to night baseball games. why would you go at night if you don't have to. it not a new york thing. i'll go during the day when it isn't the walking dead but otherwise, i'll pass. watch it on tv. >> greg: what do you say, tyus, do you love to bring your family to see "hamilton," the most overrated musical? >> i was shocked because i always thought hamilton was white. [laughter] >> i immediately, i immediately called my history teacher, like, man, you're full of [ bleep ]. no, i don't fit in the seats, so -- i don't have to go but it's not even -- yes, the walking dead is annoying. but let's be honest. i never thought that musicals could get any more, what's the word i'm looking for, sissified, and they woked him up to where a

white man can't be white. and you don't have to be talented. you can just, you know, and the stuff changed and everything is political. and it's just, it's not a good time, it's not fun because people who go, not me, but people who go always, you never hear anybody coming into the office, you never hear doocy like what a weekend, i made french toast and watched a musical, and it was amazing. when he used to do that all the time. >> greg: yes, that is true. i would definitely see hamilton if it was about george hamilton. [laughter] >> kat: yes. >> greg: that would be amazing. it's about crime. kind of sad. we're seeing corporate real estate implode. we're watching, you know, people like, i don't have the third thing. >> we have crime. illegal immigrants. litter. drugs. >> kat: i have a rebuttal. >> okay. >> not true because the resurgence of broadway happened

in the late 1970s, and in the 1980s, when it was much nastier and much worse. >> greg: interesting. >> than it is now. it is because the shows suck. [applause] >> so i went to see "company" the last musical i went to see and they made everyone mask and the ushers marched up and down the aisles the entire show and screamed at people to mask up and they had giant signs so by the grace of god i didn't get arrested. haven't been back since. but, for example, there is a musical, "days of wine and roses," so it's a musical about a film from a film, but it's about alcoholism. and two tickets sunday night, $ $687. >> greg: wow! just buy a bunch of vodka. >> boom. >> greg: boom, there you go.

the solution to everything, i hear. coming up, our answers never fail when we answer your mail. [applause]

♪ >> greg: yep. you're watching mailing it in. [applause] >> greg: welcome to "mailing it in." allen asks, if you were sentenced to spend the next 10 years on a deserted island and were allowed to take one book, one record and one film with you, which would you take, tyus? >> a book on building a boat. [laughter] >> and the structural video on swimming. >> greg: [laughter] >> what was it, music? >> greg: yes. >> some kind of broadway musical to get me fired up to get the [ bleep ] out of there.

[laughter] [applause] >> greg: kat? >> kat: take a book full of mirrors to start a fire and a record that was loud screaming. yes, you've just got to get off the island. >> greg: interesting. a record of loud screaming. >> kat: or maybe a record that actually sounded like it was fun because i guess people don't usually go toward the screaming. >> greg: yes. >> kat: i guess depending -- happy gilmore. >> greg: dagan? >> the bible, because i always have a bible with me. of course, i don't. main street, what was the movie -- [inaudible] >> greg: interesting. but, it's weird, you wouldn't have anything to watch the movie on or play the record on. i think this was a trick question by allen. >> it sounds like made up.

>> greg: i would take him. >> he's the worst in a foxhole, i'm trying to tell you. >> see, i'm taking a different approach. i'm just planning to stay. you guys are going to go mad to get off the island. >> i have a book on how to build a boat, i'm good. >> how do you know what's on the island? >> i'm going bible, aerosmith, and, i don't know what movie, field of dreams. no, i don't want to cry. something positive. >> kat: happy gilmore ii. >> greg: all right. did i ask you? yes, i did. here we go, every day italian, that's good, asks, what is one trend you want to get rid of in 2024? pete? >> pete: anything tik tok, if i could. if i could -- [applause] >> move a magic wand and end that, i would. >> greg: dagan? >> kind of hoping that kelsey

guy and taylor swift break up. >> greg: me, too. >> my father keeps texting me, he's 87, wanting to know why everybody is obsessed with it. i'm like -- >> greg: that would be great if they split up and harry split up and they traded, and it would be harry and the quarterback. [laughter] >> i'm going to stop you now. [laughter] >> you never know. >> this man, he's a tight end. >> greg: tight end. >> tight end, which you should have known anyway. >> greg: i have been working out. >> every time he texts me, what are you doing? just watching the game. liar. >> greg: what trend do you want to get rid of? >> stop everything, everything is done. no more woke, no social media, nothing, let's just go back to the dark ages. [applause] >> no cell phones, got to have a

rotary phone and a long cord. that's it. >> greg: kat? >> kat: you're being mean to me. [ah] >> kat: you guys are all coming over after this right? >> wait a minute, i didn't get an ah. >> greg: everybody is prefacing what they say with i will say. have you noticed this. i will say, but i will say, have you noticed that? once you hear it. >> kat: no, nobody i talk to. >> greg: i'm telling you, that, and to your point. to your point, and a hundred percent, having said that. >> it's an east coast thing. >> they don't have the balls to tell you something straight up, i will say. >> greg: i will say. i will say. >> your language is awful. but i understand because you're in the foxhole with pete. >> greg: all right. up next, they have doughnut holes and explosive toilet bowls. to duckduckgo on all your devie

duckduckgo comes with a built-n engine like google, but it's pi and doesn't spy on your searchs and duckduckgo lets you browse like chrome, but it blocks cooi and creepy ads that follow youa from google and other companie. and there's no catch. it's fre. we make money from ads, but they don't follow you aroud

join the millions of people taking back their privacy by downloading duckduckgo on all your devices today. ♪ ♪ when brown comes to town ♪ ♪ you need a man who won't blush ♪ ♪ at the sound of a flush ♪ ♪ you need the cool detective ♪ >> greg: tonight, a florida man is suing dunkin' donuts for over $50,000 claiming a toilet at one of its locations exploded on him leaving him covered head-to-toe in human feces. >> wait a minute. >> greg: i would just sue over that.

i fly to germany for that. dagan, he says he suffered long term injuries, but no amount of money can make you recover from that. it's like, you know -- >> he said he suffered from bodily injury, too, in addition to psychological damage. what kind of bodily injury do you suffer from that? you know what causes a toilet to explode. the branch line is blocked between the bathroom, the toilet, and the main sewer line, or if you have a septic tank it can get struck by lightning and cause the toilet to explode, or if the line between your toilet and the septic tank gets blocked by something, and something behind the blockage foments and causes gas to build up, and causes the explosion. >> greg: thank you so much. >> how about that?

[laughter] you've got like ole mcdonald over here. he should know this. [laughter] >> greg: if fox starts a plumbing channel -- >> i would follow that. >> greg: kat, you actually had to clean fast food bathrooms so you must sympathize with the guy. what would you do? >> kat: okay, nobody red this clearly. in 2022, guess what day it happened? january 6. >> greg: no way, it was an insurrection. >> kat: ask someone, mine was on 2020, january 6, if you read my book you know i had a poof situation of my own that was very severe, but it was worse than that, but after this happened to him, he had to turn on the tv and everyone was crying about their january 6. meanwhile, he spent his whole day covered? [ bleep ]. i feel for this man in a way few people can.

>> greg: that is true. [applause] pete, as someone who never washes his hands >> correct. >> greg: you wouldn't even notice if you were covered in feces, would you? >> pete: -- >> greg: there is handsome pete covered in poopy pete. >> pete: imagine how bad this must have been. not open was there physical damage, psychological, he lost the capacity for the enjoyment of life. you know why? how disturbing -- >> greg: no joke, because part of life is is going to the bathroom and you can't enjoy it. >> kat: he must be constipated. >> greg: did he tell anybody about it. >> it's kind of hard to hide. >> pete: bad news travels fast. >> it's the enjoyment of going to the bathroom in public places if you're a dude because that's where dudes like to do it. >> okay. you know what?

>> greg: that is true. >> no, no, no, no. stop. stop. you know why dudes like to do knit because we have respect for each other in the bathroom. >> greg: that's true. >> we don't leave a bathroom like god only knows. i have heard from her, kennedy, and ingrid. it's a war zone in a woman's bathroom. i believe in the delusion that this is an immaculate place that was clean and sparkling, you can eat off the floor. my daughter who is nine refused to go into the men's room. i went with her, i identified as a woman for a short time and went with her into the bathroom and she went in there and i was like, oh, and brought her out and said honey, i'll just stand guard in the men's room. it's much cleaner. to this day if my daughter is with me and her mother, it's like time for the bathroom, dad, lets go to the men's room because it's clean. you know what? he should have thought of that before he put the pipe bomb in to flush it to d.c. and it blew up on him, so it's his own fault

and wait for the police because you're going to get arrested. that's the last guy that's been out there with the dunkin donut pipe bomber. [applause] >> greg: why is it dunkin' donuts capitalizing on this with a new product? a new doughnut with like extra black sprinkles? [boos] >> pete: they tried that before on martin luther king day and it didn't go very well. still waiting for my lawyer to get back to me on that lawsuit. >> greg: don't go away. we'll be right back.

♪ >> we're out of time. >> greg: thank you to our entire studio