just write me something. >> a gift card -- if a guy gets a gift card, i did go on a date once, hopefully not watching, at the end of the date i offered to pay, he goes, it's okay, i have a gift card. i was like, i'm going to guess you are being economical, but at the same time -- >> it felt weird. >> i can't tell you why it is weird, but i can tell you it is. >> why are you pushing that so hard. >> good for him. it does feel economical. this did not let me down. i loved it. very therapeutic. thank you, ladies, goo you and happy valentine's day. all right, we are skee-balling on valentine's date. that is it for us, thanks so much for joining us, neil will be back tomorrow. check every day, america reports, john roberts and mysel. eastern time. "the five" starts now. ♪ ♪ >> greg: hi come i'm

greg gutfeld along with judge jeanine. jessica tarlov, jesse watters, and she fries or eggs on a bottle cap. perino. "the five." ♪ ♪ the big guy has made up his mind with his helicopter buzzing so loudly you could barely understand him, joe biden telling reporters how he has finally decided on a response to the iran-lengthy strike that killed three u.s. soldiers. >> yes. >> [indistinct] responsible for the deaths? >> i do hold responsible supplying the weapons. >> these attacks in the past. what will be different? >> you'll see. >> [indistinct] >> i don't think we need a wider war in the middle east. that's not what i'm looking for.

>> greg: good answer. what could joe be planning for iran? a nasty voice mail? put one of the radical mullahs in timeout? so far joe biden has been moved on the battle plans but his administration has given the rain is one heck of a heads-up, blinking and hinting it would be in stages over time and someone in the biden camp gave the media an advanced copy of the target. among the pentagon's options, a radian personnel in syria or iraq, iranian abel assets in the gulf. whatever joe decides to do in iran, he better be careful. looks like he has already ticked off someone at msnbc. >> over the weekend president biden said he is ready to take action if congress is serious about solving the border issue. >> if that bill where the law today i would shut down the border right now and fix it quickly. congress needs to get it done. >> another [bleep] war. >> greg: i guess she said something after that.

i didn't quite hear it. dana, if there is something you love more than life itself, it is a good, solid interview in front of a helicopter. >> dana: absolutely. i really -- it has been driving me crazy for a while and today i snapped on "america's newsroom." >> greg: yes. >> dana: something happened just before the show that is going to make me snap again. i won't bring that up. >> greg: i will. >> dana: i can understand the white house calms people not wanting to take questions on this. i can understand them being concerned about how he might handle himself at a podium. however, this, i think, when they come out and the only time he ever does interviews with the press is when he is in front of the helicopter, when it is whirring and you have to use closed caption to understand what the leader of the free world is trying to say about wanting to provide a wider war, about his thoughts and prayers and feelings about the

fallen u.s. soldiers that are injured. use either room room he just walked out, you look at the vidn room. let him walk out, make a statement because he is not just speaking to the media. he is speaking to the american people. to the families of the fallen come our troops, they want to know do you have our back? because you have us here in the middle east, are you going to do all you can to protect us if we are going to be here? he is speaking to the allies. they want to know what the commander in chief is saying. he is speaking to our allies, as well. i don't think it is good for him, i don't think it is good for transparency, i don't think it looks -- the most transparent white house in the history of the nation, which is obviously not true. i want the leader of the free world to come off as strong and doing this in front of the helicopter every single time he walks out is just week. >> greg: maybe they just don't

want people to hear what he is actually saying. that could be it. jesse, you like to have it both ways. >> jesse: [laughs] >> greg: can we criticize joe for being evasive and then hit them for being too specific? >> dana: that's a good point. >> jesse: i don't know what he is going to do yet. i have heard what he is going to do and he is supposed to hit some proxies in syria and iraq. that doesn't do much because that is the whole point of proxies. they are kind of dispensable. you can retrain young radical muslims, rearm them, and then they are right back on the battlefield. >> greg: there like the joker's henchmen. >> jesse: exactly what i was thinking. i heard he was going to hit some iranian naval assets, okay, that may be cuts off some logistics relationships with the houthis in yemen. i still have -- general waters still thinks we need to go after the petroleum industry in that country, that will set them back years but i think china is a huge client of iranian oil so the puppet masters probably don't want him to do that so that is why he won't do it.

he is probably going to do as little as possible just to say he is doing something. his entire foreign policy has been quite a disaster, if you think about the afghanistan exit, you've got a war now in the middle east, a war now in europe, he let the chinese spy on us, he is losing the opium war, he is allowing an invasion into texas. this guy has been an absolute disaster. and joy reid should say that. because you have to respect the audience. i'm all up for a hot mike. i love me a hot mic. as long as it is authentic. if they ever caught you on a hot mike, yep, is greg. >> greg: i got busted, remember? >> jesse: you constantly talk about your bladder problems. >> greg: that wasn't me, dana, in the bathroom, by the way. >> jesse: at fox when trump was present we have host here who were very critical of

his foreign policy, venezuela, north korea foreign policy, diplomacy, i think that is healthy but don't talk out of both sides of your mouth because that is not right. i think i respect msnbc's audience more than msnbc does. >> greg: you are so right. and you are willing to sacrifice with going out after petroleum which will drive up the prices and hair care products hair care products. >> jesse: i have stockpiles, greg. >> greg: good, good. judge, we have this crisis in the middle east but it feels like the crisis is in the confidence of our own president, a crisis of confidence going on right now. >> jeanine: and there has been for a while, greg. the truth is the man just does not project -- he doesn't project confidence, he doesn't project strength, and we all see it which is why we always have anxiety every time he comes out, whether dana can't hear it and i can hear it because of the whir of the helicopter, or like he did last week in wisconsin. it is frightening. but you know what? this issue is a huge issue.

and, you know, i don't want to go over what we did but what was it, four months ago when they said the middle east has never been more quiet, and then today or yesterday we have blinken saying it has never been more dangerous. this is an administration that doesn't have a handle on what is going on, and i want to just try to make it clear so that we don't get political here. the bottom line is, they have attacked us 190 times. we've got three americans killed in jordan. we have two navy seals, one contractor, we have over 80 wounded in iraq and syria, and 40 wounded in jordan. so that's 120 wounded, six dead, 190 attacks on us, you know how many times we have responded? ten. ten. if you are a red-blooded american, you are pissed off, you are angry right now because that is not the way to supposed to be. now the question is, no administration has gone into

iran, okay, apparently jimmy carter tried it and i that was a disaster with the hostages. if we just go after the houthis, it is not going to make a damn bit of difference. the truth is we have to either drop bridges or go after their ammunitions or send some cruise missiles in there. i don't know what the answer is. he may have to get permission from progress on this. that is where congress is going to start negotiating for ukraine and for israel. but the bottom line is, you know, when trump killed soleimani, that was the end of it. they didn't respond. >> jessica: they did. two service members were hit by a missile and died. >> jeanine: but it didn't start a world war. if we go after -- everyone is saying what biden -- i don't want their world war, i don't want to make a bigger war! he is such a war's on world stage. he signals everything that he is

afraid of. >> greg: jessica, in the green room you said something that was really striking to me, you said the great thing about trump as you didn't know whether he was going to come with a carrot or a stick painted like a carrot. i thought that was very clever. >> jessica: always little orange things that he would carry around. so, there were -- and we just discussed this yesterday, two american service members died in the wake of an attack -- >> jeanine: a world war -- >> jessica: three people died a few days ago, and two when -- >> jeanine: 120 people injured since october 2,017th. >> jessica: 65 service members that died during the trump administration. >> jeanine: in the middle of a war in the middle east. don't minimize the americans being attacked. >> jessica: than talk about the 65 service members that died under the trump administration. okay, so hezbollah has announced that they are now suspending attacks. i am sure that that will be short-lived, but they have

released a statement saying we will continue to defend our people in gaza, obviously linking this directly to the conflict that is going on with israel, in other ways. hopefully that sticks and they will be out for at least a little while here. i was heartened to see him and i don't disagree, dana, about the clarity that needs to come from the commander in chief and how he presents whatever he is going to say to the american public and to the families but it is good news, he called all of the service members families, he will be there when they are returned to the united states, which is something that people were wondering about yesterday. and the judge brought up the funding bill, and it is important that since the end of october, there has been a request from the white house for $106 billion to not only fund what is going on in ukraine at israel, but to make sure that we can fight back against russia and its proxies, which includes enron and is part of this. so i hope that they will approve that funding, certainly seeing we did lose three

service members here and every life absolutely matters. i am just not for acting as if it was completely fine in this period and it's an abject disaster in this period. >> jeanine: i never said that, jessica. >> jessica: you did, two seconds ago -- >> jeanine: we went after the leader, soleimani. >> jessica: yeah. >> jeanine: there was not a reaction that would start a world war, just like all this guy talks about is we don't want a wider conflict. we got american hostages. let me finish. we don't even know if they are still alive, that were taken by hamas. >> jessica: and that is joe biden spelled? >> jeanine: no, i'm talking about the danger in the middle east to americans. >> jessica: but the danger in the middle east to americans and indeed two israelis and two other allies is rooted in what has gone on in israel. actions that bibi netanyahu -- >> greg: we got to move on but we have to point out that biden did renew funding to the agency that helped plan the october 7th, and that was something, the funding that trump had suspended. >> jessica: the $6 billion?

>> jeanine: with the u.n. >> jessica: than it is all joe biden's fault. >> greg: finally we agree. up next, shocking new video of illegals pouring across the border as house republicans get ready to impeach the biden official who let them in. ♪ ♪ let the weight of the day. fall away, give your cares and worries over to god. blessed are the poor in spirit for the patient. for lent this year instead of chocolate, give up worry and anxiety with a 30 day free trial. of how you.

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here's why you should switch fo to duckduckgo on all your devie duckduckgo comes with a built-n engine like google, but it's pi and doesn't spy on your searchs and duckduckgo lets you browse like chrome, but it blocks cooi and creepy ads that follow youa from google and other companie. and there's no catch. it's fre. we make money from ads, but they don't follow you aroud join the millions of people taking back their privacy by downloading duckduckgo on all your devices today. ♪ ♪ >> dana: on other jaw-dropping video from the border, this time from california. ask exclusive shows suspected smugglers dropping off migrants at the wall. president biden said he would like to shut down moments like that and seal up the border but

congress is standing in his way. >> have you done everything you can do with executive authority or is there more you could do? >> i've done all i can do. just give me the power appeared >> dana: did you have a hard time hearing that? me too. homeland security secretary mallorca's. republicans bringing articles of impeachment. floor vote early next week. despite the calamity at the border democrats defending mayorkas. >> he has willfully breached the trust of congress and the american people. >> another saying appropriately describes what is going on here and that is just shoveling the same old [bleep] and calling it sugar. >> i don't see how anyone with a straight face can argue that the numbers have skyrocketed under this administration. >> this is a maga pathway of

insolence. >> every single day that secretary mayorkas continues in his role, america is less safe. >> dana: actually the mega pathway to open border. there i was democrats i would let mayorkas take the fall and go on the merry way to your election. >> greg: look at those migrants at the fence there. what a bunch of poor immigrant families seeking asylum. i'm sorry, they are healthier than me. i'm sure jerrold nadler is happy getting another pool cleaner but those are like, those are fit dudes in fresh clothing. how did mayorkas last this long? he is presiding over a complete border meltdown, a crisis that is leading to a constitutional crisis with texas, full-scale migrant migrant invasion that's decimating cities that are already plagued by crime. any man would have resigned but he hasn't. that's probably because the government is happy where he is

and he is doing exactly what he is supposed to do. the border crisis is like any crisis created by a corrupt bureaucracy thursday for power, right? they promised to fix things but once they get into power, they don't. they are like drunks, right, but the power is their booze. i promise, next year we will fix this. the next bill is going to be the one, i swear to god. and then they spend two to four years on a bureaucratic bender. i think government power, in a way, is like alcoholism. you can't believe the promises made by the user and the abuse is simply a mask for a deeper rot, right? in this case it is the foundations of bureaucracy, not our laws or institutions, because they are just being ignored. it is what comes after this immense expansive addiction to status and power. we need to go after the bureaucracy, the foundation of it. take it apart and start over. because this isn't getting any better. >> dana: jesse --

>> greg: jesse, you are shaking her head at me. >> jesse: i'm agreeing with you. >> greg: that's a weird way to show it. >> jesse: i am very concerned, greg. >> dana: is it mayorkas or is it biden? >> jesse: biden. he doesn't need any new powers. why would he need new powers to shut the border down if it is secure? they have been telling me for three years it is secure so why do you need to shut it down? they don't need a new congress. jeh johnson and barack obama used title viii. it is the aliens nationality a act. they shut down and caught and deported millions of illegal aliens and they didn't need congress to give them any of these newfangled special powers that biden's requesting. i think it is borderline treasonous what this guy has done. he has subverted the territorial integrity of this country. he has put our national security at risk. he is facilitating human trafficking with the drug cartels. these surrendering the war on drugs. he lost almost 100,000 kids.

and then he lied about it and said everything is great. and now they want our help, the republicans? this is what this is like. this is like my wife makes a mess of the house. and she says, jesse, i need you to help me clean it up. i said, why? you made the mess. and her version of cleaning up is just sweeping everything under the rug. why would i participate in that when that doesn't really solve the problem? i'll just wait 24 hours when the professional shows up who knows how to clean -- trump -- and that will do the job. clean house. >> dana: solved. judge, "the new york times" just posted this piece. it's long. it might drive everybody crazy. but it says, "how the border crisis shattered biden's immigration hopes." if you only read the first two paragraphs, on biden's first day in office, he paused all deportations come about to end the harsh trump administration, promised to secure the border.

for mr. biden come as a matter of principle, he wanted to show the united states was a humane nation while demonstrating to his fellow citizens that government could work again. he said 94 executive actions in the first 100 days to dismantle trump era border protection's and now he is saying that he needs congressional action but i've got a pen and i have a phone and it works both ways. >> jeanine: isn't it interesting how biden was able, through the executive actions, to forgive student loans, student debt, and then the supreme court comes down and they say, you can't do that. you don't have the power to do that. it is not in this circumstance. and yet he goes around what the supreme court says and he says, i'm canceling the student debt. well, why doesn't he do it with the border? and by the way, i can't believe no one is talking about this, how did he's he suborned perjury when mayorkas lied, he swore unr oath that the border was secure and then biden comes out and says, it hasn't been secured for

ten years. and then when biden comes out today and he says, i've done all i can do, just give me the power, yeah, you've done all you can do to make sure the border is open. you took down title 42, you took down remain in mexico, you stop the building of the wall, you sued texas, you sued arizona, you made sure anybody and everyone can come through you are complicit with an evasion into this country, yeah, he has done all he can do and all of the consequences in terms of housing and education and health care and the economy and crime, i mean, the man has suborned the perjury of mayorkas who absolutely needs to be impeached and be out of there. mayorkas to me as a cartoon character. he is a a character who is so self-aggrandizing, things he is so important but so in over his head. then karine jean-pierre comes out and says there are different definitions of what it means to shut down the border. no, there isn't.

the title that jesse just recommended. you want to shut down the border, shut down the border. you have that power. it's in the law. stop playing around with it. and maybe they have accomplished what they wanted. as i've always said, when is enough enough? how many do you need to come into the united states to vote democrat because they all love joe biden? i don't laugh about it -- >> jessica: i -- >> jeanine: because in new york city they want illegals to vote and you give them a license, it's a point of identification that they can then start applying to vote. >> dana: go ahead, jessica. >> jessica: the great replacement theory -- >> jeanine: that's not what i'm talking about. >> jessica: the idea is -- >> jeanine: don't pin that on me. i'm not talking about replacement. >> jessica: what are you -- >> jeanine: i'm saying they can come here -- >> jessica: [indistinct] >> greg: democrats have said that. they have never used the phrase replacement theory but they talk about bringing in new voters and

turning texas from red to purple to blue. so it's not a racist thing to say -- >> jessica: getting gen zs to register to vote. there is no plot on the democratic side to take undocumented migrants and get them to play the system. >> greg: we have played clips of that. anyway. maybe you aren't here. >> jessica: maybe i wasn't here. maybe it was harold's day. i will go back and check. okay, so i get it, there are a lot of policy problems. the biden administration obviously had that blow up in their faces, and they had to do something about it. but having policy disagreements is not grounds for impeachment, and that is how thompson, the ranking democrat, in the committee hearing, opened, by saying you have not got into high crimes and misdemeanors, and bennie thompson view of this was confirmed by our very own jonathan turley, who was on

sing i don't think they have established any of those theses for impeachment. then he her former g.o.p. dhs secretary michael turnoff writing in "the wall street journal," again saying you are just as republicans are trying to get around doing the hard work, dror g.o.p. chair congresswoman barbara comstock, same thing, this is going to shrink the majority which is already razor-thin, certainly down to george santos, you have the opportunity to do a deal and newt gingrich was on air last night apoplectic about this, that there is an opportunity to actually get something done and republicans now are kowtowing to donald trump, if you watch mike johnson, speaker of the house, from earlier today, he is being so evasive, a reporter asked him, they donald trump ask you to do this? that's absurd, but i talked to donald trump at length about this in mitch mcconnell, i know donald trump wants to run on this. you have the opportunity to do it. take it. they have in putting this out -- >> jesse: [indistinct] >> jessica: you can find it on the internet. i also want to point out that

congressman from rhode island pointed out that 52% of migrants that were apprehended in the last two years of the trump administration were released. there is also a cato report that is worth your time. >> jeanine: double the number -- >> jessica: the point is that republicans -- >> jeanine: 3,000 in december. >> jessica: republicans are no problem if it is donald trump that does it. >> jeanine: totally different. >> dana: what the congresswoman said, she wants more migrants in her district because it comes in the census, not because -- that is not -- providing them the driver's license that gets them a path to citizenship in order to vote. coming up from one of the members of the squad is under criminal investigation. we will tell you who is next. ♪ ♪

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♪ ♪ >> jesse: one of the biggest backers of defund the police is in some big trouble. squad member cori bush is under criminal federal investigation for misusing federal security money. we don't know how much yet, but crooked cory security spending habits have been under scrutiny for quite some time. she spent more than half a million dollars on her own private security since getting elected, and she took heat for funneling at least $60,000 of that campaign dough to her now husband. he was the boyfriend at the t time, and she hired him as a security guard despite him not having a license to perform security in her district and crooked cori says she is cooperating and claims she paid her hubby at or below a fair market rate for the security services he provided. oh, she also has someone to blame. listen. >> right wing organizations have

lodged baseless complaints against me. peddling notions that i have misused campaign funds to pay for personal security services. that simply is not true. >> jesse: while, jessica, looks like a lot of these democrat women are taking money and just funneling it to their boyfriends. what's going on with that? >> jessica: oh, this is a fani willis dig. >> jesse: it's -- >> jessica: it's wrong, we have told you. >> jesse: for some i'm hearing it. >> jessica: i am no cori bush enthusiast. this should play out and we should see what happens. tired, i think this is all just a right-wing plot to get me or whatever, doesn't resonate with people. and she already has a very serious challenger for her seat in the primary so this is a deep, deep blue district, no chance a republican would win. she only picked up 70% of the

vote in the last primary and now wesley bell, who is the st. louis prosecutor, after she came out basically in favor of palestine but the fact de facto hamas after the october 7th attacked him he switched over, he was running in the senate race in the primary there and now he is challenging her. and this only adds father to his campaign. >> jesse: judge jeanine? >> jeanine: it's very simple. the fec requires if you're going to use campaign funds, number one, you're going to pay family member for a bona fide service and it has to be necessary. and it has to be above or consistent with fair market value. now she has already spent over $765,000 on security. when i was the d.a. i never spent that kind of money and i had security all the time. in addition to her boyfriend that she needs security from, he doesn't have a license from st. louis, he doesn't have a

license in d.c., and neither area is he entitled to be a security person and she also spent another $60,000 on a friend of her that she gave money to. as far as i'm concerned that his money laundering. this is taking campaign funding and putting it in your boyfriend's bank account, and then -- >> jesse: and then your boyfriend takes you out to dinner. >> jeanine: yes, or on vacation. >> dana: or on a cruise. >> jesse: dana? >> dana: that's true. she is one of the biggest proponents of defund the police but there is a pattern -- and you see this repeatedly, and the shadiness of paying the family members to do things, sometimes it is necessary to pay them for things, in a rural district especially, but i think it is time to defund the capitol hill shadiness that happens, it can happen on both sides. the doj doesn't announce something like this and she doesn't confirm something like this if it isn't already well down the path, so her election might be in jeopardy. >> jesse: greg?

>> greg: yeah, i think the biggest crime here is she used taxpayer money to pay for something that she was depriving over the taxpayer. she was defunding the police while transferring resources to fund her own private police. you know what? i'm going to use an analogy that maybe jesse might use. >> jesse: yeah. >> greg: she is like a morbidly obese doctor telling you to lose weight except you are not fat and he is only doing it so he can steal your lunch. that's exactly what she did. she said defund the police, cut the budgets, and then she took the money to pay for her own protection -- this is why people hate modern politicians. it's an avenue for grafting. they get into politics to be exempt from the rules and punishment that they enforce in others and if you call them on it, they will cloak themselves in the identity argument, you're only saying this because you are riright wing racist blah, blah, blah. >> jeanine: it was campaign money come her own campaigns, nt taxpayers beard speech i'm going to say the same thing.

aren't they taxpayers? >> jesse: and we have fannie. >> jessica: fani willis. >> jesse: coming up we finally have the technology to turn greg into a robot. thank you, elon musk. ♪ ♪ there are some things that work better together. like your workplace benefits and retirement savings. voya provides tools that help you make the right investment and benefit choices. so you can reach today's financial goals. and look forward to a more confident future. voya, well planned, well invested, well protected. if you■re happy and you know it, clap your hands,

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♪ ♪ >> jeanine: elon musk making a shocking announcement to the world. his company neural link has installed its very first brain chip in the head of a human patient. no word yet on who the subject is or if the device is working but if musk is successful, the tech could be the dawn of a new era for humanity. a person could control a phone

or computer just by thinking. paralyzed people could start walking. and the blind could start seeing again. all right, jesse, the idea of neuralink helping people with disabilities is amazing. but at the same time, the scary part is, can they turn you on and off like a robot? >> jesse: nothing can turn me on, judge. hit a switch and there i go. i want this for the blind and the handicapped and people with disabilities. don't i ever. but it's going to be used by regular healthy people to turn into cyborgs. and i'm getting a lot of fauci vibes with this. this is a mad scientist. judge, i go onto a plane, they make me turn my phone off during takeoff and landing. but how does elon musk get permission to put a phone in someone's head? this is way, way too much. we are going way, way too fast. this is not connecting to the internet or technology. this is disconnecting from life

on planet earth. i like life on planet earth. things have gone well for me here. i may continue to live outside in the environment. instead of sitting in my cubicle with some machine strapped to my face taking orders from dr. x. >> jeanine: all right, dana. when the wright brothers discovered the airplane, they were called devilish interventionists or something -- >> jesse: i probably would have been that person. [laughter] >> jeanine: the thinking was if god wanted people to fly he would have given them wings. are we just not understanding this? >> dana: it's like when they invented the bicycle. they were upset for the horses. and then the cars, they tried to stop cars. you can't stop progress. progress like this is pretty incredible. it this could spur a gigantic advances for technology. his superfast, the ai pieces we talk from 5-10 years is now two

years or so. there is more good than bad that can come of it. all of us have friends that could benefit from something like this. to prolong their life or make their life better while they are here. >> jeanine: there is no question, greg, if you have an illness, whether it is alzheimer's or some of the other illnesses, this can help, but they are also talking about lithium batteries in them. >> greg: that's exciting. you know, they said they put it in a human brain, so i guess that eliminates the squad to be a [laughs] you know we talked technology it is like listening to a clam talk about stock tips. this is how a billionaire should act in life. look at the three areas that affects the world. space, energy, and health. he is directing all of his efforts to create a better world in the most vital arenas. compare that to other billionaires. the soros family who is billions go to local laws that have systematically destroyed cities,

primarily minority neighborhoods. it's a really interesting and fun time to be alive, when the world's richest man is also the world's most helpful man. speech. space. neurological function. energy. i mean, these are all facets that directly affect our lives, and that's all -- and he's got money to burn. he could be doing other things, you know? he's not, he's doing this. i don't own any stock. i've never bought a stock in my life. >> jesse: you're an idiot. >> greg: i know. but i have a great 401(k). >> jeanine: that's great. >> jesse: [indistinct] >> greg: on the cusp of a robotic revolution, too. >> jesse: i still like the '80s much better. >> jeanine: jessica, your thoughts? >> jessica: i find it really exciting. i don't understand and i'm completely comfortable with t that. i hope when it becomes a thing that i'll start to get it more and we can really grasp the extent of what can create

positive change and also create progress for the scarier stuff that could happen. i love stories about elon musk like this. i think this is what he was destined to do and to change the world, and it doesn't, you know, change whatever i think about what x has turned into, but i'm excited for this. >> jesse: she was, soros or musk, you have to choose, choose one out. three, two -- >> jessica: do what? they are completely different. >> jesse: on! >> jeanine: jimmy fallon taking on liberals who hate to laugh in his brand-new book on cancel culture. he's joining us next. ♪ ♪ (vo) if you have graves' disease, your eye symptoms could mean something more. that gritty feeling can't be brushed away. even a little blurry vision can distort things. and something serious may be behind those itchy eyes. up to 50% of people with graves' could develop a different condition called thyroid eye disease,

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♪ ♪ >> jessica: jimmy failla putting cancel culture on last in his new book. it is called "cancel culture dictionary" and it is a guide to winning the war on fun. you can order it now on fox news books.com and you can catch him hosting fox news saturday night which airs saturdays at 10:00 p.m. eastern. jimmy, welcome to the table. congratulations. >> jimmy: happy launch day, you guys. clear this up for america, this is my launch day outfit, i am well aware i am too chubby to be

an astronaut. >> jessica: you have a billboard in times square, clearly things defy gravity. >> jimmy: it doesn't feel like a real billboard because it isn't real until they draw ex-rated graffiti on your face. the book is a comic. i felt i needed to write this book because they have basically waged a war on fun. what i mean by that is policing sources of joy for sources of grief. people go to the comedy show, you should be punching up not punching down, that music cast is not diverse enough. like "the godfather" under the new woke criteria for the oscars could not win best picture unless halfway through he became the godmother appeared to have with through leave the cannoli. a bakery that does not support gay marriage. >> jesse: did you just say ergo? >> jeanine: that is a legal turn. >> jimmy: this book would not

be possible without doubt the fight to blaze. 90% of this book written in sky lounges. >> jeanine: what do you miss about driving taxi? >> jimmy: the spontaneity. some one gets in, the next guy gets income of the border problem is this, i miss the spontaneity. >> jessica: greg? >> greg: is there anything that's not in the book because you were worried? >> dana: oh. >> jimmy: no. >> jeanine: you hesitated. >> jimmy: i wanted to make sure i processed the question right. no, i was so shocked the extent i was allowed to go there but if you're going to win the war on fun and push back against censorship you cannot censor yourself. so the answer to your question, every joke in chapter x would probably get me fired anywhere except for here, thank you, fox. >> dana: i like chapter c, cosby, chapelle, and ck. >> jimmy: the one cat know

mike valid cancel, cosby should go, r. kelly should go. most people who went came back in six months so it was a fruitless pursuit. it is a cultural arson that is setting things on fire but nothing is better. >> dana: congratulations. >> greg: congratulations! big win for the community college kids. >> jessica: "one more thing" is up next. ♪ ♪ okay everyone, our mission is to provide complete, balanced nutrition for strength and energy. yay - woo hoo! ensure, with 27 vitamins and minerals, nutrients for immune health. and ensure complete with 30 grams of protein. (♪) directv sports central brings your games

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imagine if you found that. >> jesse: what is a pigmy slow lorace. >> it's a mammal. >> jessica: like a lorax? >> greg: you never heard of a lorace. amazing night vision but sticky hands. don't ask me how i know. judge, i think you are next. >> judge jeanine: i don't want to talk about it. all right. it's time for -- we got to change. this if there's one thing to know about me it's that i love oreos but not as much as judge jeanine apple or junior mints. oreo releasing a new limited edition space dunk cookie cosmic cream. everyone has to take one marshmallow flavor popping candies in each bite. a bite let me know what you think. cosmic. what do you think? >> jesse: pretty good.

>> jessica: pretty good. >> dana: sweet. >> judge jeanine: jessica, it's good. >> greg: oreos in my mouth now. jessica jessica a carnival cruise ship rescued two stranded kayakers in the gulf of mexico monday. jumped on the kayak to stay afloat. spotted them off the coast of and took them on board where they received medical evaluations and food. transferred into the custody of the mexican navy and they continued on its planned journey. >> greg: amazing. >> dana: check out this clumsy by son. bison. check this out. darn it. he is like did anybody catch that on camera? yes, sir, we did. >> greg: nicely done. jesse, you have seven seconds. >> jesse: those bisons can't handle liquor law and order turns into ♪ >> bret: welcome to washington. i'm bret baier. in just a few minutes, i'm going to