unfortunate entity. thank you for making this show possible. let not your heart be troubled. greg gutfeld is standing by to put a smile on your face. have a great weekend.

it's friday it's friday! that's all? you know what that means? let's welcome tonight's gasburg like his books people would love to see him leather bound. literary critic walter kerr. and win life gives you lemons, please squeeze it into his eyes. cohost of "fox & friends", todd pyro. she defies conventions and wears extensions. best-selling author kat timpf. he has nightmares about chandeliers. new york times best-selling author comedian and former nwa wrestler titus.

i need a break. before we get to some new stories let's do this. >> greg's leftovers. >> its leftovers where i read the jokes we didn't use this week. it's my first time reading them. if they suck, we will tied joe mackie's to the back of a truck and drive away. too bad he enjoys it. the first one. a diverse for in new hampshire is catering to adults where they role-play as babies in diapers. to show customers how it's done they brought in a professional. speaking of joe, he is finally headed to ohio and plans to been at east palestine where he will likely ask for a cease-fire.

new research claims that dementia can actually be spread between humans. that explains it. this week they hosted the president of somalia and said, quote, "the president and i have a special relationship. i call him uncle and he calls me girl. which is the same thing she says to her husband. a pair of cruise passengers were arrested after authorities search their luggage and found 112 bags of marijuana. in their defense, they were going on a cruise. a study finds that eating kimchee three times a day may prevent obesity. to be fair, eating anything that taste like [ bleep ] three times a day may prevent obesity.

the biden administration is now classified martha's vineyard as a low income area making it eligible for electric vehicle charger subsidies. it's about time we caught a break said one resident. earlier this week ben shapiro's new rap hit became the number one song on itunes. in related news lil wayne made a great matzoh ball soup. an australian toddler had to be rescued after being stuck inside a call machine for three hours. the cop said it only took 179 tries to get him out. domino's pizza has unveiled a heat suit. it's a full-body garment made of the same material used in the insulated pizza bags. it has a front pocket for garlic dip and a hip pocket for the you

will never use. a new hampshire woman miraculously survived after falling and being compacted in a dumpster truck. i believe we have an image of the woman. >> i am not going to hell with you. i am a little person. >> terrible! terrible! experts warn that a new penis enlarging trend aimed at men with small genitals can lead to side effects. they include painful, testicular complications and getting an 8:00 p.m. cable news show. >> i thought that was coming to me.

>> connecticut high school principle was disgusted after a boys tampon dispenser was ripped down after only 20 minutes. thank god it didn't happen during first period. japan is reportedly seeing a rise in silver porn which features aging grandmothers engaged in explicit ax. in a related story guess who is moving to japan? a woman in a kansas penitentiary says female inmates are so sex crazed jails could make thousands releasing videos. this could explain the application for the new prison guard. an australian woman claims her dog is ruining her sex life with her husband. apparently she is tired of watching.

an obis influencer slams a hotel over their tiny shower. she claimed the shower was broken because her feet weren't getting wet. thank you. no one is safe. a woman clung to the hood of a getaway car to save her french bulldog from the thieves who stole it. i have to say i would have done the same thing in that situation. steal a dog from a woman. i like that one. some journalists are worried they are going extinct. perhaps it's because no one in their right mind would [ bleep keith olbermann. american airlines is laying off 656 workers. as a result passengers are being

asked to lose their own luggage. chuck e. cheese is releasing a cookbook. it's about damn time said one man. you people. investigators may have found a millionaire heart's long-lost airplane and of course the turn signal was still on. do they even have turn signals? and finally, will of fortune fans were outraged this week saying a player was robbed of a prize after clearly solving the puzzle. the answer was probably the easiest thing you would ever see. now to the news. a senate staffer got railed, but still won't be jailed.

capitol police have announced they will not bring charges against the former democrat staffer who was filmed on all fours having sex inside a senate hearing room. though they admit it was a perfect impression of the american taxpayer. we cannot air the screenshot of the porno because it's too graphic. and also brett baier stole it and took it home for the weekend. instead we will show you our producer's artistic interpretation. there it is. unlike the staffers cheeks, the case has been closed, at least for now. investigators could reopen it should any new evidence come to light. although it's unlikely they will get to the bottom of it. they aren't even asking for tips. police concluded there was no evidence of crime was committed. it was likely a violation of congressional policy. the staffer is just happy to put this incident behind him.

but it's really stunning no charges are being filed. the infamous january 6 schaumann got 41 months in lockdown in solitary confinement for praying inside the u.s. senate chamber. talk about getting the shaft. this twinkie gets nothing? capitol police also add that he exercised his fifth amendment right to remain silent and refused to talk to them. he rejected the offer to go rollerblading. it turns out laying pipe is no different than the january 6th bomb. they won't pursue it perhaps because it's an inside job. walter, do you think this is justice served or another behavior that has lost its disincentive to discontinue? >> well, now we know officially that it's legal to have sex on camera in the senate.

that was an unclear point of law before. until you test a situation, you don't really know. now the world knows it is legal. and so i think the line forms at the right. i think every senator, every aid should take a run at doing this. it's one of the few non-illegal thanks they do. i think the thing with porn is you get used to it. this really woke me up. you get what is called porn blindness. you watch too much of it. when i saw this i said this is something new? this is something i want more of. it was also point of view porn. it was shot from the point of few of one of the participants. you could imagine yourself in the scene.

i think every american should have a chance to feel what it's like to screw a senate aide in the butt but. >> thanks for taking all the porn shame away from me this episode. very much appreciated. >> it's too late to be taught. with this have turned out differently if instead it was a democrat or a maga extremist? >> 100%. keep in mind these prosecutors found no violation of law. they said this senate room was not open to the public so thereby you don't get public indecency laws. you better believe if that was republican on republican header row sex they would have found a way to make it public make it indecency and go after these people. laura was in a random theater not in our sacred honored capitol having some fun with a dude and the democrats wanted to expel her from congress. the double standard just doesn't apply to january 6. it applies the other 364 days of

the year. it was closed for the public but open for the pubic? >> thank you. i have a theory. would you like to hear it? >> do i have a choice? >> you don't. the reason they aren't pursuing this is because of the other sex partner who was a powerful person. it's like the white house cocaine. they don't find it necessary to investigate because they might come to an answer that might punish someone very high up. >> i get how that is fun to believe. maybe that is it. i think the explanation might be something more simple than that. i think its possible that maybe he didn't break any laws. this is a situation where they felt like they didn't need to make any laws. >> that is true. this is new turf. >> i doubt it was actually even part of the orientation. they were like here is your key. you have 24/7 access but we draw the line at but darts.

you are going to play, if you must, don't make a porn out of it. that's not in the handbook. there is no laws because it's not a thing you think of needing to make a law for. >> so true. so many things that have happened in the last five years have happened because we never expected they would have been. you wouldn't expect illegal immigrants would come over here and beat up cops because we never thought that would happen. but now it does. tyrus, what say you? justice served on a platter? >> somebody was served, greg. if this is the precedent, it wasn't open to the general public at the time of consummation. wouldn't that than send a message to any facility that wants it closes, it's game on? so literally for you eager fans want to wait for us to leave at

the end of the show, i would just like to say this chair has the least amount of use. for the most bang for your buck, do it in greg's chair. not these chairs. and you know where he has been. so don't do it in his chair. >> you should direct them to the "fox & friends" set. they have the kirby couch. >> no one does it on the "fox & friends" upset. that couch is reserved for jesus whenever he comes. >> we've got to go to break. tell us more about your new book, jesus. it is cooking with do see. the lord and do see. >> up next, will politicians

live forever thanks to a brain ship and ever?

♪ no. ♪ -no. -nuh-uh. ♪ yeah. oh. yes. ♪ oh yeah. yes. isn't this great? yeeaahhhh!! ♪ yeah, i could do a cartwheel in here. oh hey! would you like to join us? no. we would love to join you. ♪

it's alive. its zombie politicians. they will have diapers, paint and chips in their brains. you want a leap leap crazy story? a recent report sponsored by our pentagon suggests elderly politicians could one day

harness the power of brain computer interface devices to prolong their functional authority in government. meaning, even as they age into there 80s and 90s they will just keep going like an energizer bunny trapped inside mitch mcconnell's body. and the tech could reportedly be implanted into their brains in secret allowing senile senators to regain mobility and speech after years of cognitive decline. it won't work on everyone. first you have to have a brain. but it gets wilder. the report examines the possibility of those very brain chips malfunctioning or even being hacked by foreign adversaries which eliminates the need to bribe hunter biden. but the report paints a picture of our elderly leaders alternating between confused incoherence and artificially enhanced clarity. which got us to wondering, could

this already be happening? >> today we are here to answer the most important of questions. is democracy will america's sacred cause? use to make beer brewed here. thanks for the great lakes. i believe that america is big enough, strong enough, blessed enough for all of us to succeed. the group included groundbreaking asian americans like vera wang and joan [indiscernible] we just have to remember who we are. we are the united states of america! putin's the guys who are in the

kleptocracy. >> maybe is not a far-fetched theory. our best plan is to unplug joe wait two minutes and plug him back in again. todd, does it bother you that the pentagon is spending our money on basically riding treatments for screenplays for david kronenberg? >> i had a different take on this. i thought this article and the corresponding study was really interesting. what it also looked at was china and all the nefarious things that china could do. i feel like to a certain extent we were not ready for covid. if you really delve into that article it is basically saying what if china or some of the world power weaponize did purposefully? there is questions as to whether china weaponize covid purposely. what if they did something in the future that they had the antidote for and they are all fine because of the social distancing measures they ended up taking win in fact they just

immunize themselves to it and the rest of the world suffered? i found that part fascinating. but the thing i don't find comforting, these people in d.c. right now, especially the old people, are holding on. republicans and democrats. you have way too many people over 75 or 80 years old who should be playing with grandkids and not running the government. if this were to take hold, you can clap for that, there would be powers that would want them to be the vessels they could control like our president. >> kat, it's like they refuse to step aside already as todd says. this is just another excuse to hang around. dianne feinstein didn't leave until she was at death's door. >> it's messed up that they made her leave because she died. would they do that to a man? >> they are discriminating against the post lifers. >> this is scary. think of all the things that go

wrong with technology all the time. and also, i'm sorry, but who is worse with technology then the really old people? it's not on them. i don't even want to learn any of the new stuff, really. but their chip will be like signing up for all the viruses. my chip got hacked. and now we are getting nuked. people always say the finger on the button or whatever. if it is in their brain they will leave themselves open. my chip told me i won a laptop. it will never be easier for foreign governments to hacked people. they will get the technology put in and they will trust the interns to help them with it. they will never learn anything to help themselves and we will all be screwed. seen at the old senators will try to marry nigerian princess. tyrus, do you think this is realistic?

>> let's say its true. can you started now? because the [ bleep ] we are hearing every night, put a chip in his brain so we can figure it out. i am fine with that. if it's already happening we are seeing some of the problems. we need the updated version. we saw mitch reboot in the middle of a speech. biden keeps getting hacked by hunter. that's why you are hearing two or four voices coming out of his mouth at the same time. if they are going to do it, do it now. everything you said is the side effect is already happening. without the boost we are already dealing with they don't leave anyway. they are getting weird anyway. if that meant put a chip in their head to make them go back to having to talk and think they are smart, that might be better. they will be uncool. if mitch all of a sudden got cool and showed up dressed with today's fashion, what it is.

i am here to represent. you can be old and senile but you can't be old and cool. it might be a good thing if they are wearing today's stuff. we are swifties. we are going to see taylor swift. cool old people, vote for out to. >> if they can put chips into individual's brains and have them lead us, babies could get this too. we could be led by babies and infants that have these precocious chips in their brain. i think they put one in john fetterman and it turned him into a conservative. he was red chip to. >> we just have to find a signal and then we will have remote control powers over our leaders. it will be like stage hypnosis. flap your arms like a bird. >> i would look forward to that.

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it's video of the day. biden gives himself a pass for the cost of food, milk and gas. instead blame the grocer for your grief says the vegetable in chief. today's video of the day comes from president poopy pants who attacked grocery stores for continued high prices. hit it, gladys. >> the cost of eggs, milk, chicken and gas and so many essential items have come down. for all we have done there is still too many corporations ripping people off. price gouging, junk fees, inflation, shrink inflation. you see the article about the

snickers bar? it's going to stop. america, we are tired of being played for suckers. that's why we are going to keep these guys, keep on them and get the prices down. >> when joe's mushy mind there is greed inflation but no biden inflation. maybe those items would be cheaper if stores didn't need to keep them under lock and key. fuel costs weren't sky high and the fed was in printing money to give to other countries, illegal immigrants and student deadbeats known as joe's core constituency the stores that aren't already closing due to crime are merely responding to the inflation that jumped under his administration which saps the value of our paycheck. it's worth less and products are worth more. even all the supermarket and food producers got greedy at wants or a senile blowhard who

never worked in the private sector is wrong. i'm betting on joe biden harder than a chinese lobbyist. here again he attacks things that, unlike him, keep america a flow. grocery chains, natural gas, a working border, law enforcement, indoor plumbing. joe should think capitalism every time he enters the store. without the system that works despite everything the dems do to undermine it the american public would have turned on him ages ago. as long as we have food, boos, gas, amazon and netflix. joke and lie about the country. he's right about one thing. america is tired of being played for suckers. we can only be distracted for so long with bread and circuses especially when the bread has doubled in price and the circus clown is the guy in charge. kat, is it me are does this guy

have no concept of how the economy works? he always blames the outcomes for the cause of the outcomes. >> yeah. and also the whole thing felt very old man yells at cloud. and the grocery stores and the snickers and the thing. i told them. you are like, okay, grandpa. you've got them. you are right. i don't think anybody regardless of any political views watches that and say i think he's on it. i think he's got it. when i go to the store people are like okay. i don't think anyone is thinking about it anymore. he doesn't know how much anything because. he doesn't know what he is saying. even saying he doesn't know how the economy works is charitable. he doesn't say anything close to that. >> tyrus, does this pissed you off or is it funny? >> it's funny until i do the shopping at my house.

you know i try. i try [ bleep ] hard to be positive about the other side. i've got to talk about one thing. this dude couldn't even get a story about snickers without screwing it up and think we don't know the difference between lollipops and snickers. he took us for suckers. the story is about snickers, the candy bar. suckers is something you give to people after you let them smell your hair. the whole point of going after president trump was to expose him. for four years we had a transparent white house. we knew every vote. we know who voted and who didn't vote. we know who was responsible. they were happy to tell us. trump fix the border by taking his pen and writing out his really annoying evil signature

that they were all scared of. he added all these law to stop the border. now we have a president who forgets we have been watching for the last four years because you made politics transparent by trying to expose the evil red headed monster. so we know how it works now. and so when he says i can't do anything, whom are you speaking to? you showed us what trump did. you could do the same thing. when he says it's the stores. there is never a follow-up question ever in this administration. what stores? what stores should we avoid specifically, sir? whole foods? fresh market? what is the stores we should be focused on doing this stuff? to kat's point he has no idea what he is talking about. the american people see it. you have to kiss us before you bang us. we know now. we are not falling for those others.

it's a different way of saying it. believe it or not, i know it sounds naughty. but it's just me expressly saying give me a hint before you completely screw me over. he is not kissing at all. >> do you think with the snicker line he saw one of the snickers from hollowing, the fund size things. look what is happening to them! they use to be this big! >> they are not trying to hide his dementia anymore. they are telling him to go with it. he called americans suckers for paying retail for groceries. what are we supposed to do? shoplift? or haggle? the spam is $4.

i will give you $2. that was the greatest insult of my lifetime, that a president has paid me. i'm a sucker for wanting to eat and not being willing to shoplift my food. >> it's funny. you are right. we've said this on the show. we feel like suckers when we watch people running out of costco with $900 worth of stuff. why aren't we doing that? we are the suckers. he just told us we are the suckers were putting up with this. we really are. not only is kat right because he sounds like he is ranting in a dog park or something. but he is turning on everybody who is productive on behalf of everybody who is in. i'm tired of his insults. i could win the insult contest 10 times over with him. but he gets to be on tv and i

don't get to talk back except when i come here. >> it's true. trump insulted the power. he never insulted the people. that is all joe does is insult the people. >> it's from a position of ignorance. he has no idea how a supermarket works. do you think the supermarkets want the prices to be high? absolutely not. they don't make money off the price being high. they make money off of prices being low and selling more goods because they are a volume business. if you have more money in your pocket and can buy more goods, that grocery store makes more money. if he doesn't understand that simple transaction, how can he run the economy? wait, he can't. >> why do they have sales? low prices are what gets people in. what an idiot. i'm almost done with him. coming up, old joe is obsessed with the dumbest members of the press.

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five words. five words, biden obsessed with morning joe. the msnbc morning show books white house aides between 7:00 and 7:40 am because that is when joe is awake to watch them. he is obsessed with this show and calls scarborough for advice. what say you?

>> there is the riddle. we now know who is running the country. that explains a lot now. now the snickers thing doesn't seem so [ bleep ] . oh boy. it is your fault because you made fun of scarborough and he showed you because he is the pretend president of the united states. there you go. it's weird to start the morning by trying to make yourself stupid. it's like getting up and going, you know what, i feel smart. i will shave off 30 iq points. what is on morning joe? >> we find out that morning joe is programming naptime joe every day. okay? this used to happen with the days of our lives and my grandma. like, we knew if some wife cheated on her husband at dinner she would be talking about adultery is terrible.

and so because he is being programmed, his aides are being forced to watch the show so they can anticipate what he's going to be concerned about during the day. i mean, what a crazy situation in which whoever is putting morning joe's words in his ear is actually whispering into the president's mind. that's the most powerful person in america. some producer at msnbc. >> that is frightening. it's true. he actually is getting his news from a so opera when you look at those two. >> they were together and all had different spouses and now they are married. i know the left will say trump did this with "fox & friends" when he was president. the difference is, and this is a plug for "fox & friends", the fact that fox and friend speaks to the american people. it does stories about the concerns of the american people. that sounds like a kitschy plug.

and mess nbc is very insider. >> morning joe is a d.c. bubble for the old people that were hippies that are no longer cogent or cognizant of life and the d.c. establishment. it's a circular line of thinking and it's useless. it's useless for the country. >> it's a stupid loop. kat, it's a stupid loop. you have stupidity coming one way that gets reinforced and sends it back and it keeps going around and around and around. a merry-go-round of idiocy, if you will. >> i was just wondering if you think miko gets jealous? do think they fight about it? i definitely would. i would be like sorry. the president is on. she probably looks upset over there. >> she always looks upset.

she has resting upset face. >> well played. >> i'm not going to hate on that, because so do i. >> you smile. >> i do, more than at. i'm maybe not the smiley is the woman. but she is definitely probably like why not me? i bet you they fight about it. that's the argument no matter where it starts it always ends up there. >> i like the manchurian candidate. it could say anything and joe would do it by noon. just imagine. >> nobody else watches. that's crazy. when president trump watch something everyone had to watch it to find out how evil it was or cool or whatever. bite and watches it and everyone says i guess he's got to watch what he's got to watch. no one flips it on. they should be the most popular morning news show on the show because the president watches it. >> thank god he doesn't watch

the view. but how do we know? i think kamala harris does. >> you would be arrested. >> i would be dead already. up next we open the door to your questions and more.

♪ ♪ >> yep, you are watching

"mailing it in." >> greg: welcome to "mailing it in." what punishment would you give to the illegal alien that give new yorkers the double bird? walter? >> first of all, he did after he beat up a cop, so i think he should just be forced to continue to live in our deteriorating society. >> greg: [laughs] good enough? >> i'm in a bad mood. [laughter] >> greg: tod? >> i think he should be forced to eat all the food that the migrants throw out, because apparently this food is torture to these people. secondarily, he likes flipping the bird, so i think if he is such a fan of birds, we should put him on a perch on the tell us building your park, make him extend his arms, and let the birds do it they will on him like a statue.

[applause] while he's eating the sandwiches they throw at him. >> greg: tyrus? >> he held it like that, like this? i just give them a field goal. >> punched him in the face. you'd probably go to jail. >> eh, i'll get out. minority, hello! i was depressed. as a matter of fact, anyone at this table wants to commit a crime, i'll do it for you and i can be out that afternoon. >> greg: that is an app. that's like uber. rent a guide to go beat up cops for you. >> white people, don't do it. i got it. pick me up in an hour. >> greg: these guys hopped on a bus and went across the country. isn't that punishment enough? >> from personal experience, it's pretty bad. i've had such a hard time coming up with the punishment, which makes me believe maybe i shouldn't have kids. >> greg: [laughs] >> they'll all smoke cigarettes when they are like five years old! will be smoking cigarettes and

i'll be like, "stop it!" and they'll be like, "you want one?" and i'm like, "eh." you beat up a cop, he should be in jail. [applause] >> greg: and we couldn't even do that, could we? welcome to america 2024. >> we could lock them in the senate with a young aide. [laughter and applause] >> full circle walter! >> greg: there you go.it don't go away, we'll be right back. only takes a minute. look at that! the heavy duty cloths are extra thick, for amazing trap & lock. even for his hair. wow. and for dust, i love my heavy duty duster. the fluffy fibers trap dust on contact, up high and all around without having to lift a thing. i'm so hooked. you'll love swiffer. or your money back!

when my doctor gave me breztri for my copd things changed for me. breztri gave me better breathing, symptom improvement, and reduced flare-ups. breztri won't replace a rescue inhaler for sudden breathing problems. it is not for asthma. tell your doctor if you have a heart condition or high blood pressure before taking it. don't take breztri more than prescribed. breztri may increase your risk of thrush, pneumonia, and osteoporosis. call your doctor if worsened breathing, chest pain, mouth or tongue swelling, problems urinating, vision changes, or eye pain occur. ask your doctor about breztri.

>> greg: out of time! next trace gallagher on "fox news @ night." i love you, america. [applause] >> trace: good evening. i'm trace gallagher. it's 8:00 p.m. on the west coast, 11:00 here in