natalie portman's on. >> have a great night. previously on jimmy kimmel live -- >> um -- i don't know what to do in this situation. um -- i'm just going to keep going backwards, i suppose. [ laughter ]

>> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- natalie portman. chris distefano. and music from turnpike troubadours. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice, thank you. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us at our home here in hollywood, california. you know -- a lot of stuff, a lot of weird stuff happens every day. well, you guys were outside, you saw it. [ laughter ] but i feel like we're always behind florida in the crazy department. [ laughter ] the escambia county public school district in florida, as part of their state's ongoing

war against reading, is now considering -- and this is not a joke -- is now considering a ban of the dictionary. because it includes a definition of the word "sex." [ laughter ] they have a state law designed to protect children from education. [ laughter ] and they're reviewing the dictionary. if the review holds, kids won't be able to get a dictionary at the library at school. if they want to look up a word, they'll have to go on the internet where there is no sexually explicit material at all! [ laughter ] what a state. while you're at it, why not ban the word "dictionary"? from here on, they'll be called "tionary." no dick allowed. [ laughter ] the district pulled five dictionaries, eight encyclopedias and "the guinness book of world records" from the shelves. they're also reviewing the biographies of beyoncé, oprah winfrey and "the diary of anne frank." which is filthy, pure pornography. [ laughter ] they're also planning to ban calculators so students can't

type out 58008 and turn it upside down. [ laughter and applause ] in case you were wondering, this is how one of the offending dictionaries defines sex. something this man is definitely not good at. [ laughter ] maybe it's a personal thing, i don't know. there were two face-offs last night. ron desantis and nikki haley squared off in a battle to determine which one of them won't be president the least. [ laughter ] ron desantis has spent a lot of money. he's still polling in third place in iowa. both he and the future do not look bright. [ laughter ] so even after being knocked out, he's definitely trying to go one more round with disney. >> this is something that's important to us personally. it's kindergartner, like disney wanted to do, that you can change your gender. tell a third grader that you're born in the wrong body. i stood up. the media didn't like it, the left didn't like it and disney didn't like it. they're the

the state of florida. we took on disney, we defeated that, we won that fight and our kids are better off. nikki haley invited disney to south carolina, even though they were involved in transing kids. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? man, if only he had access to a dictionary, he would know that transing -- [ cheers and applause ] oh, what a feeling when you're transing on the ceiling. and while haley and desantis were sniping at each other on cnn, trump scheduled a "town hall" at the same time on fox news. it was like a debate of himself. he was mastur-debating. [ laughter ] on stage, on fox. he covered a variety of topics and said he already knows who his running mate is going to be. which that's exciting. we could soon know who trump's supporters are going to try to hang during the next insurrection. [ laughter ] i would like to see him choose kid rock. or a pumpkin full of chicken nuggets. [ laughter ] trump also weighed in on the news that chris christie dropped out of the race. he said, "i may even start liking chris christie more now."

which i don't see how that's possible for him to like chris christie more, i mean, with as much as he defends chris christie, seems to me trump likes him a lot. >> chris christie is a fat pig. you cannot say that, sir. chris christie is not a fat pig, sir r. please, sir, do not call him a fat pig. he is not a fat pig. no, no, he said chris christie's a fat pig, you cannot do that. you can't use the word fat pig when you describe chris christie. you're not allowed to use the word fat. you're allowed to use the word pig but not fat. please do not call chris christie a fat pig. okay? >> jimmy: all right. well, i think he made his point. [ applause ] because he's so slender. trump was in a manhattan courtroom today for another episode of "law and personality disorder." [ laughter ] i mentioned last night he asked to make the closing argument, the legal -- the closing argument, he wanted to make it

himself in this $370 million fraud case he's about to lose. initially, the judge said no. actually, he said trump could speak but he said he had to stay on topic and not veer off other things and lar s s and trs were like, well, that's not gonna happen. [ laughter ] so then the judge considered allowing trump to write his thoughts on a bunch of pieces of posterboard like the scene in "love actually." [ laughter ] that didnt go over either. so then they settled on this tannibal lecter-style ball gag, which worked for a while. [ laughter and applause ] surprisingly, after all the back and forth, the judge did allow trump to speak during the closing arguments. you're not going to believe this, trump said he did nothing wrong, and you know what he's never lied to us before. [ laughter ] the new england patriots are in the market for a new coach. after 24 seasons and six super bowl titles, bill belichick is out. he made the announcement at a lively press conference with team owner robert kraft.

>> robert and i, after a series of discussions, have mutually agreed to part ways. and for me, this is a day of, you know, gratitude and celebration. >> jimmy: that's how he celebrates. [ laughter ] i dont know about you, but i'll miss the way bill belicheck's smile lit up a room. i don't know where he's headed, or whether he intends to go on coaching. but he coached the game with passion, with joy, and most of all, he never forgot that football, yes, it's a business, but first and foremost, it is a game that we watch and play to have fun. >> well, bill belichick, a very unique coach. here he proves he's just like everyone else. puts his sweats on one pant leg at a time. >> i've already covered this. >> no. >> i've already covered it. xerox the game plan, send it over to kansas city. might be easier for all of us. stupid thing. >> given the nature of this presidential race --

>> steattle. >> did you find it -- >> seattle. >> did you find it helpful -- >> seattle. >> -- to talk to the players about this? >> i'm talking about open-heart surgery here. i would not say i'm the mown mona lisa vido about the football field. >> i was doing a story about new year's reresolutions, wonderingf you have any you want to share with your fans and our readers? >> yeah, no, not right now. >> what was the final straw with antonio brown? >> we're focused on the jets today. >> thank you, coach, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: again, the enthusiasm is infectious. honestly, i think the only time i saw bill belichick smile outside of on the field after a super bowl win was the time he met this delightful little guy. >> guillermo: mr. belichick, i have a question. you have a great smile. i think you should smile more often. you look pretty when you smile. can you smile for everybody? >> you got it.

next? let's go. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's a lot of fun. you got him to smile, guillermo. >> guillermo: a little bit, yeah. >> jimmy: a big accomplishment. we're now well into the new year. this is the time when all the new state laws go into effect. there's a new law here in california that prohibits employers from asking job applicants about their past marijuana use. it is no longer allowed to be asked in the workplace. but there's no law against asking people on the street. and with that said, it's time to play "who's high?" [ cheers and applause ] our announcer, lou, is out in front of our theater on hollywood boulevard with a group of pedestrians. let's meet them, lou. let's meet the people. >> lou: of course. kathy, taj, and janie. >> jimmy: kathy, taj, and janie. one of these three people is high, the other two are not, correct, lou? >> lou: that is it. >> jimmy: my job is to sniff out the stoner, okay? [ laughter ] so let's sniff. kathy, where are you from? >> i'm from new york.

>> jimmy: okay. i guess i could have figured that without even asking. what part of new york are you from, kathy? >> i was born in brooklyn and moved to new jersey for a while, and now i'm back in long island in copenhagen, new york. >> jimmy: what do you do for work? >> i am retired right now. i'm traveling with my husband to all sorts of parts of the world. i just came back from four to five weeks in australia. >> jimmy: okay. >> this is great. >> jimmy: australia is very tough on drugs. so i'm going to use that as a clue that maybe it's not kathy. so let's meet our next contestant is taj. hello, taj. what do you do for work? >> i'm a full-time artist, like most people in l.a. i paint, i make music. >> jimmy: it's got to be you then, probably. [ laughter ] finally, janie. janie, what's your story, janie? >> i'm from north carolina. and i am a traveling nurse. >> jimmy: a traveling nurse, oh,

so you work in a hospital? >> yes. >> jimmy: yes, you go from town to town and work in the hospital for as long as you choose, correct? >> that is correct. >> jimmy: which hospital do you work at? >> i'm in between contracts right now. >> jimmy: okay, all right, very good. and do you get people that come into your hospital who are high out of their minds and think that maybe they're going to die? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: you do. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what do you tell those people? >> "you're probably going to die." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: all right. let's look at everybody's eyes. because you know the eyes are the window to the soul. let's start with -- okay, janie, can we get in a little closer? because janie does -- you know what, janie -- you do have -- you know what, you do have a glint there. [ laughter ] okay, that's -- let's see taj now. taj? taj -- all right, all right. and finally -- oh, this is hard.

kathy, let's take a look at kathy's eyes. kathy -- hm. okay. all right. all right. i've seen your eyes. oh, interesting. taj, spell your name backwards. >> j-a-t. >> jimmy: okay. a little slow. laugh [ laughter ] quick question for each of you. kathy, what's the last movie you saw in a theater? >> uh -- >> jimmy: i'll start with taj. [ laughter ] taj? >> last movie was "the color purple." >> jimmy: "the color purple." did you like it? >> i loved it, it's my favorite movie. >> jimmy: janie? >> thanksgiving. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "thanksgiving" the movie? >> yes. >> jimmy: there's a movie called "thanksgiving"? >> oh, yeah, but it's not what you think. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, i know -- it was that horror movie, right?

>> yeah, my grandchildren convinced me it was a family movie. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: so you took the family to go see this movie? or they took you? >> i took my grandboys. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how old are they? >> 14 and 16. >> jimmy: and so -- >> no, 14 and 18. >> jimmy: so instead of the turkey, they're carving up other people, right? >> exactly. >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: all right. well, now i've kind of changed my thought process here. kathy, how about you? did you think of one yet? >> i thought of an old one. we did see "cocaine bear." >> jimmy: "cocaine bear" is the last movie you saw in the theater? oh, geez. [ laughter ] what are you thinking, guillermo? >> guillermo: i think it's todd. >> jimmy: taj? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: okay. boy, yeah, my first thought was that it was taj. but i'm thinking it might be janie. although these she's a nurse. i don't know if it's allowed. i don't if she'd even go on

television to do it. to talk about this. janie, if you -- are you legally allowed to consume cannabis as part of your profession? >> no. >> jimmy: you're not, okay. [ laughter ] >> i'm not legally allowed. >> jimmy: not legally allowed. [ applause ] >> jimmy: all right. so -- all right. well, i am going to say it is -- i'm going with guillermo, i'm going to say it's taj. taj, are you high? >> jimmy, i am not. >> jimmy: you're not. >> today i am not, jimmy, no, no. >> jimmy: i should have known they'd try to trick me. [ laughter ] in that case, i'm going to -- i'm going to go to kathy. kathy, are you high? >> yes, i am high. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there. well. all right. well, i think we have gifts for all of you here. lou what do we have? >> lou: we have febreze,

mediterranean lavender scented. >> jimmy: there you go, that will come in very handy. thank you so much for playing "who's high?" [ cheers and applause ] we should do it again. you know, maybe -- maybe natalie portman would like to play "who's high?" we'll ask her. we have a good show for you tonight. chris distefano is here. we have music from turnpike troubadours. and we'll be right back with natalie portman. so stick around!

>> jimmy: tonight, we have a very funny man who you can see live on his "right intention, wrong move" stand-up comedy tour. chris distefano is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, a country band from oklahoma. their album is called "a cat in the rain." music from turnpike troubadours. [ cheers and applause ] next week, we've got new shows with ike barinholtz, rob lowe, david chang, chrissy teigen, danielle brooks, and john oliver will be with us. we'll have music from sierra feral, kali uchis, and peat

yorn. our first guest, is a remarkably talented person with an oscar, a harvard diploma, and a hammer of thor to show for it. her latest highly acclaimed performance is called "may december." it's on netflix now. please welcome natalie portman. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: it's great to see you. happy new year, all that stuff. do you actually have the hammer of thor? >> i do. >> jimmy: you do. >> i do. they gave me kind of the memorabilia one that no one's allowed to touch. then i also have my stunt practice hammer which gets more use. >> jimmy: it gets use. what kind of use does it get? >> my kids know not to try and harm with it. but i have to be careful when kids visit the house. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, sure. >> yeah. it's -- it's heavy. it can do damage.

>> jimmy: and can you do this and will it come to you? [ laughter ] >> naturally. >> jimmy: how old are your kids now? >> i have a 6-year-old and a 12-year-old. >> jimmy: so your kids are young for this type scenario, but maybe this will be good learning experience for you. i was thinking we'd play a round of "who's high?" would you i do like to? [ cheers and applause ] >> i didn't know you were going there. >> jimmy: i'm usually good at it. i was not good at it in the beginning. with kids, you've got to watch them. >> it's a good skill to have as a parent. >> jimmy: i have a couple of ne'er do well kids, they're adults now. hi, lou. >> lou: what's up? >> jimmy: we're on tv. >> lou: oh, sick! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: natalie portman is out here with us. >> oh, hey, natalie. >> jimmy: hi. these are our pedestrians. introduce yourselves, folks. first of all, is it roysin? >> it is not.

it's roshean. >> jimmy: say hello to natalie portman. >> hello, natalie. >> jimmy: are you from elsewhere? >> i'm from ireland. >> jimmy: that makes sense. marcus, how are you? >> hey, jimmy. >> jimmy: how are you doing? where are you from? >> i'm from l.a. >> jimmy: would you like to say hello to natalie portman? >> hey, natalie. [ laughter ] >> hey, marcus. >> jimmy: and finally, we have savannah. hello, savannah. >> hi, cuz. >> jimmy: where are you from, savannah? >> i'm from nashville. >> jimmy: you're from nashville, okay. savannah, what do you do for a living? >> i work in social media, so i make a lot of tiktoks and instagrams. >> jimmy: oh, for work, huh? marcus, you do the same? [ laughter ] >> i'm a retired assistant principal/teacher. >> jimmy: oh, wow. [ cheers and applause ] what subject? what subject did you teach, marcus? >> english and history. >> jimmy: oh, all right.

great. and rosheen, how about you? >> i'm a makeup artist. >> jimmy: in ireland they have those, huh? >> we do, yeah, finally. >> jimmy: everything we have over there. it's almost like a mirror image of us. and lou, what are you doing there? >> lou: i'm a -- i'm the announcer at -- >> jimmy: oh, the announcer on the show, i thought you looked kind of familiar. >> what i remember, i'm also the guy who hosts the stuff on the boulevard. >> jimmy: okay, so natalie, i'm going to turn this over to you. to ask some questions. you can ask any -- i found that just asking about any hobbies or any of that kind of stuff will typically lead me in the right direction. >> okay. when did you last eat, and what was it that you ate? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now, they've been instructed not to reveal any -- oh, you mean food. i was thinking gummies. >> no, no, no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is a really good question. >> that would be not fair. >> jimmy: rosheen, what's the last meal you had? >> doritos. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: see, now that's a good question. marcus? >> my last meal was raw almonds. >> jimmy: okay, very healthy. and savannah? >> i had a sandwich. >> jimmy: what kind of sandwich, savannah? >> a turkey sandwich. >> jimmy: uh-huh, with what on it? >> mayonnaise and mustard. >> jimmy: okay. >> a little bit of tomato. >> jimmy: all right, sounds like somebody's mom made her lunch today. [ laughter ] i know what i'm thinking. it's a little -- i mean, maybe a -- >> premature? >> jimmy: maybe it's a little premature. we'll find out, i guess. do you have a feeling, or do you want to ask more questions? >> i have a feeling. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: who are you feeling like it is? >> i feel like it's rosheen. >> jimmy: that's who i feel like it is. let's go through the eyes first. the eyes again will often -- [ laughter ] -- offer clues. okay. rosheen, your pupils seem to be

the opposite of dilated. like they're the smallest pupils i've ever seen. [ laughter ] marcus, you were a teacher for many years, you've had many pupils. have you ever seen them that small? [ laughter ] >> no, never. >> jimmy: let's get a look at marcus' eyes here. marcus -- uh-huh, now the thing about marcus is the shirt to me says stoner. but the job says no. >> no way. >> jimmy: yeah. and finally, savannah. savannah, let's have a look at your eyes. [ laughter ] oh, boy. now i'm -- now i'm -- you know what? >> yeah. exactly. >> jimmy: i feel like i'm still going to stick with rosheen. she doesn't even know where the camera is. [ laughter ] >> i'm sorry. >> jimmy: it's okay, rosheen. >> i was told so many times -- >> jimmy: in about four hours, you'll be fine. [ laughter ] what do you think? >> i'm having some serious doubts. >> jimmy: yeah, me too. >> savannah's suspicious.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: she is, yeah. the hat makes her a little extra suspicious. but the sandwich. you know, i mean -- turkey, whatever. >> very normal. >> jimmy: standard, yeah, yeah. i got to go with doritos. >> okay, let's do it. >> jimmy: all right. rosheen, are you high? >> no. >> jimmy: what? [ laughter ] >> just likes doritos. >> jimmy: well then we've got to go with our second choice, right? savannah, are you huh? >> yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: she's laughing. savannah. let's go back to savannah there. >> i couldn't hold it in! >> jimmy: laughing much too hard. that's how you know. marcus, did you get the sense that savannah was high when we started this? >> oh, yeah. i knew it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: school principal. >> we should have asked him. >> jimmy: let's take a break. thank you guys for playing

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i probably shouldn't have said that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is natalie portman and charles milton. in the movie "may december" which you can see on netflix right now. really a very entertaining movie. this character that you play, obviously it's a fictional character and the story that this is based on is -- roughly based on, right? that's how -- it's a true story, but this character, this actor that you play, is studying this family because she is going to play the mom in the family? >> yes. >> jimmy: have you ever been in that situation before? you've integrated yourself into somebody's personal life like that? >> no. i mean, not to the level of -- elizabeth is really -- does things that are ethically questionable. i have not. but i have, of course, like interviewed people about their lives, trying to learn about what it's like to be a doctor or -- >> jimmy: and their jobs and that kind of stuff.

>> a beekeeper, yeah. >> jimmy: a beekeeper, yeah. what is it like to be a beekeeper? seems terrible. you're surrounded by bees all day. >> it's pretty meditative, i think. >> jimmy: is it? >> yeah. it has a lot to do with breathing and -- because apparently bees are attracted to your carbon dioxide. so you have to really watch your breath. >> jimmy: oh. well, i'm going to, yeah. [ laughter ] and this actor, you play this actor who's not a great actor, right? >> no. >> jimmy: so when you are a great actor, which you are a great actor, is it fun to play somebody who's not a good actor? >> it takes a lot of pressure off, of course. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> yeah. it's -- and it's funny. it's fun to kind of poke fun at yourself, i think. >> jimmy: yeah. >> there's a lot of making fun of actresses in this movie. >> jimmy: yeah, there is a bit of that in there. you were nominated for a golden globe on sunday night. [ cheers and applause ] and you met -- i find this so hard to believe. i have to say. i think this is pretty crazy. but you met somebody that i

can't believe you never met before. >> i know. i met mark hamill for my first time. >> jimmy: mark hamill. >> he called me his mother. >> jimmy: luke skywalker. >> the coolest thing. >> jimmy: i think i have a photograph of this meeting. there it is. look at you together. he posted this photograph. never run into him at any "star wars" promotional things or anything like that, huh? >> yeah, it was the first time we'd ever met. i had met carrie fisher before, luxury. she was such an icon of mine. and this was my first time meeting mark. >> jimmy: how often do you meet somebody, an icon, that you have -- i mean, you've been in the business since you were a kid. how often do you run into somebody that you've not met before? somebody that you're excited about? >> often. >> jimmy: really? >> i feel like often, yeah. >> jimmy: is it because you don't get out much? >> yeah. [ laughter ] that's exactly it. >> jimmy: who is somebody that you've met recently that you'd never met before that you were very excited to meet? >> at the globes also, i met martin short. >> jimmy: oh, really?

>> i lost my mind. [ applause ] >> jimmy: he's the best. >> my friend jess and i were like -- she was my date. we were like stalking up behind him. "mr. short, mr. short?" yeah. so, so excited. >> jimmy: he's very rude, right? [ laughter ] he probably ignored you. >> he was delightful. >> jimmy: what is your favorite martin short role or moment or what -- >> "father of the bride" was very important. >> jimmy: i see, gotcha. for me it's "sctv." i go back a longer way. >> i mean, he's great in everything he's ever done. >> jimmy: did you get a picture with him? >> yes. >> jimmy: you did, only. >> yes. >> jimmy: mark hamill did not post that? >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he did not. yeah. well, that's -- boy, martin short's going to be so excited. robert downey jr. was here last night, and he had a similar story about martin short. >> really, also? >> jimmy: yeah, he did. wow, martin short's really taken off. [ laughter ] we've got to book martin short. get him on the phone, will you? >> guillermo: i will.

>> jimmy: it's great to see you here. thank you for playing our great many. congratulations on the movie. if you haven't seen it, "may december" is on netflix now. matly portman. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be back with chris distefano. i told myself i was ok with my moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis symptoms. with my psoriatic arthritis symptoms. but just ok isn't ok. and i was done settling. if you still have symptoms after a tnf blocker like humira or enbrel, rinvoq is different and may help. rinvoq is a once-daily pill that can rapidly relieve joint pain, stiffness, and swelling in ra and psa. relieve fatigue for some... and stop joint damage. and in psa, can leave skin clear or almost clear. rinvoq can lower your ability to fight infections, including tb. serious infections and blood clots, some fatal; cancers, including lymphoma and skin; heart attack, stroke, and gi tears occurred. people 50 and older with a heart disease risk factor have an increased risk of death.

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chris distefano and turn bike troubadours are coming up, but first it's thursday night. that means it's time to bleep and blur the big moments of the week whether they need it or not. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> it is national [ bleep ] off your [ bleep ] day. i have a problem with that because i actually like my [ bleep ] to be messy. a clean [ bleep ] is a sign of a sick mind. make your [ bleep ] nice and messy just for me, don't clean it or, don't do it. let's get this [ bleep ] started. >> jimmy kimmel last night [ bleep ]ed aaron rodgers, the

new york jets quarterback. >> aaron rodgers implied you'd been on the [ bleep ], [ bleep ]? >> i'd [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> what do you mean? >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ] what i mean. >> who wants to [ bleep ] hunter right now today? anyone? who wants to [ bleep ] hunter? >> it's bittersweet because it's going to be the last time we get to [ bleep ]. i [ bleep ] guys so much, it's such a special group. >> he'll do much better among certain groups of women than people predict because they are so sick and tired of being [ bleep ] from the waist down only. you know what's waist up for me? my [ bleep ], my [ bleep ], my [ bleep ], my [ bleep ], my [ bleep ]. >> now they want to have the men [ bleep ] women. i don't want to say i'm chauvinistic. that's not going to be a good situation. that's not going to help [ bleep ] you. >> what is your [ bleep ]ing style? >> here you go. i [ bleep ]. until i can't take it no more. >> wow. >> and i explode because i can't take it no more. >> yeah. >> my name's amelia, 22 years

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, welcome back. music from turnpike troubadours is on the way. our next guest is a very funny man. you can see him live near you in his "right intention, wrong move" comedy tour. place say hello to chris distefano. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> whoa! >> jimmy: very good to see you, welcome back. >> look at this. natalie portman was just sitting here. now i'm here. i'm sinking into this couch a lot more than she did. she is just weightless. and i'm 220. >> jimmy: you look good. >> you think that? >> jimmy: you do look good. >> i appreciate that, man, i feel fat today. >> jimmy: are you really? are you having a fat day? >> i'm having a fat day. last night go out. all of a sudden get drunk. it happens. five tequilas in, smoked a little weed, higher than anybody on the street. then i woked up this morning with oreo brownie in my belly button. and so i was like, i can't eat, i haven't eaten yet today. >> jimmy: you've had nothing? >> nothing. still hung over. still probably high. it was -- i was in the green room, like i should just go say hi to natalie portman, she's right there. i looked in the mirror, don't go say hi to natalie portman.

put your head down. now dealing with 40 years of, i calf talked to natalie portman and i didn't. >> jimmy: do you want to run out and say hello real quick? i don't want to ruin your life. >> yes, i would love to, but -- >> jimmy: we'll stick it here. >> yeah. >> jimmy: now that you're mentioning, how's your father doing? is he currently incarcerated or uncars rated? >> right now he's out of jail. [ cheers and applause ] this is the longest he's made it in years. >> jimmy: that's good, that's good. >> and he -- talk about weight loss, he was 250 pounds. now he's 190. >> jimmy: oh, good. >> first time under 200 pounds, he said, since he's a baby. [ laughter ] and he said -- he goes, "i lost about 60 pounds in two months." i said, "what?" "yeah, about two months." "what have you been doing?" "i walk more." "how much more?" "a couple of blocks each day."

"you need to go to the hospital, there's no way you've lost 60 pound busy walking more." he goes to the hospital. i'm thinking he's got some disease eating away his body. they said, no, he's just walking more. he's just a guy that somehow lost 60 pounds. >> jimmy: that's amazing. >> just lost it. i don't know how he did it. >> jimmy: is he a big eater of guy? >> here's how my dad eats, ready for this? true story. we're at christmas. he ate an entire tray of lasagna. not a piece. i'm talking about an aluminum tray. like he was -- you know that feeds like ten people at christmas. he was eating it by himself off the spatula into his mouth. no knife and fork. just eating it. and i was looking at him. "dad, you can't have an entire tray of lasagna." he goes, "my body, my choice." [ laughter ] i was like, okay, that's not what that means at all, but all right. and then, of course, about two hours later, he's sleeping at my house. him and his wife, my stepmom. i hear her saying, "tony, are

you having trouble "the soda is giving me gas." we go to the hospital, he can't breathe. then the doctors call me the next day. they gave me like some sad, substantialing news. "we're are so. ry, your father, he has congestive heart failure, he maybe has a year to go, and we're sorry." and i was like, obviously very upset. dealt with that about a day. the next day they call me and they say, "listen, we have unbelievable news." they said, "we did the test again, and he couldn't have congestive heart failure, he's perfectly fine. he ate so much sodium in one sitting that it fooled our ekg machines to think he has congestive heart failure." he ate so much lasagna and so much cake. i said, "you've been a doctor for 20 years, have you ever seen that?" he goes, "i've never seen that." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: your father overdosed

on lasagna? >> yes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: wow. you really are italian. >> i am. but he's healthy now, he's good now. >> jimmy: good. how are the kids, how is your family? >> family's good. got three kids. my beautiful kids. they're great. love them so much. my dad's a great grandfather. >> jimmy: is he involved? >> he's very involved. almost too much. to the point when my oldest daughter, you know, when she was being born, you know, in the delivery room, you know -- it was only me, my wife, and her mom and my mom. right? that's like standard. and i text my dad, "the baby's coming, the water broke." he's like, "i'm coming over." i'm like, "i'll text you when the baby's out, we'll come outside, you can see the baby." we're in the delivery room, my wife's about to give birth, my dad walks in. just walks in holding the "new york post." "we're having a baby!" and i was like, "dad, dad, dad, you can't be in here, it's just family only." "i'm not family?"

"of course, but it's just women." "what are you doing here?" [ laughter ] i was like, "i'm the dad." i was like, "go outside, go outside." he goes," all right, i'll go outside." "by the way, yankees got rocked last night." [ laughter ] "they gotta trade the whole pitching staff." "all right, dad, we'll talk about it later." then my beautiful daughter is born. it's amazing. i come outside. "how'd we do?" "jasmine did amazing, she's great, the baby's great, i have a beautiful daughter." "oh, it's still a girl." [ laughter ] i said, "you were at the gender reveal, you knew it was going to be a girl, pink confetti blew all over your face." "i thought maybe it could change, the womb's a crazy place." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: a crazy place? >> what does that mean? then he goes, "what's the name?"

"you know the name, it's dal dalila." he goes," all right, you're going to stay with that. can i suggest, go with dalila, but what about dalila middle name mickey mantle destefano?" i said, "i'll run it by jasmine." >> jimmy: if she had said yes, would you have gone with mickey mantle? >> i would have named my daughter mickey mantle and dropped the dalila. >> jimmy: it would be a nice name for a girl. >> yeah, yeah, it's fun. >> jimmy: you're traveling around the country. your stand-up tour. what does the title mean? >> i call it "right intention, wrong move." that's kind of based off my dad. i feel like my father would have the right intention but very often it's the wrong move. >> jimmy: i see. >> you know, like i remember when i was a little kid, my mom was -- we had to go hunting. you know, my mom didn't think i was being -- i wasn't outdoorsy enough. she was like, you know -- my dad

came to pick me up because they weren't -- obviously my parents got divorced mad cow disease. [ laughter ] and my dad picked me up. "these got to do something, take him hunting or something, he has no idea what he's doing outdoors, he's an inside kid." "all right, let's go hunting." my dad doesn't know anything about hunting. so we go. "mother said we've got to go hunting." "okay." i'm 10, whatever you tell me to do, i'll do. we start driving into new jersey. right? then he turns off not an exit, just off the highway. like in between exits. we park. we start walking -- we're about to start to walk into the woods. "open that up," the glove box. there was a handgun in the glove box. [ laughter ] i swear. and i say -- he was like, "ever seen one of those?" i said, "i'm 10." [ laughter ] he goes, "we're going to learn how to hunt." we walk into the woods. he shows me how to hold the gun. then i just started shooting the gun into the new jersey wilderness.

[ laughter ] never saw an animal. never saw anything. i probably shot somebody's dog in their backyard accidentally. and that's why i call it "right intention, wrong move." the intention was there to do what my mom is asking. but the move was wrong to give a 10-year-old an illegal handgun. >> jimmy: even more than just wrong, quite illegal. >> yes, sir. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. you're going to be in el cajon tomorrow night. >> tomorrow night. >> jimmy: better start driving right now. >> yes, right. >> jimmy: then you're playing the willtern, a very big theater in l.a. saturday. >> come down! >> jimmy: chris de7 fan know is at the magnolia and the saturday. we'll be right back with the turnpike trub troubadours!

>> jimmy: thanks to natalie portman and chris distefano. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next, but first, their album is called "a cat in the rain." here with the song "mean old sun," turnpike troubadours! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ empty promises i've given hollow heartbeats in

my chest and every word of sterling silver ♪ ♪ stirred butterflies beneath your breast still untouched by ♪ ♪ ties a-binding goin' where the gulf breeze blows no ring of gold ♪ ♪ around your finger no ring of brass run through my nose ♪ ♪ headlong for the wall now honey still coming up ♪ ♪ like a rose dead still in the garden waiting for the reveille ♪ ♪ and the dawn is yet to dry the dew from off my sunday clothes ♪ ♪ that mean old sun better rise up soon if its ever gonna set on me ♪

♪ hear the song she sang in darkness tearful fair and ♪ ♪ free and fine you're the one she softly whispers ♪ ♪ my canary in the mine headlong for the wall now honey ♪ ♪ still coming up like a rose dead still in the garden ♪ ♪ waiting for the reveille and the dawn is yet to dry the dew from off ♪ ♪ my sunday clothes that mean old sun better rise up soon if it's ♪ ♪ ever gonna set on me ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ i met a man pale gray with wisdom ♪ ♪ told me faith will come collect hard-tempered steel ♪ ♪ bites at my ankles soft cotton rope burns at my neck ♪ ♪ headlong for the wall now honey still coming up like a ♪ ♪ rose dead still in the garden waiting for the reveille ♪ ♪ and the dawn is yet to dry

the dew from off my sunday clothes ♪ ♪ that mean old sun better rise up soon if it's ever gonna set on me ♪ ♪ that mean old sun better rise up soon ♪ ♪ if it's ever gonna set on me ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this is "nightline." >> byron: tonight -- ♪ somebody save me ♪ >> byron: country star