>> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- jennifer hudson. david cross. and music from dhruv. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. cleto, thank you. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching us. thank you for joining us on yet

another big day for america that most americans don't even know is a big day for america. and i guess it isn't really. because today was primary election day in michigan. even though we already know who is going to win the primary in michigan. this primary election cycle has all the suspense of an episode of "blue's clues." [ laughter ] you just don't know. the only question tonight was, by how many points will nikki haley lose this one? the real contest in michigan is over who is running the voting for republicans? two different people, a woman named kristina karamo, and a guy named pete claim to be chair of the state republican hair by. and scheduled dueling events. they're having two republican nominating conventions at the same time. remember when they released two different fyre festival documentaries at once? [ laughter ] it's like a dumber version of that. this woman, kristina karamo, she was voted out last month after trump made it clear he wanted her gone, but she refused to accept the results of the election. yeah, wonder where she got that idea?

[ laughter ] [ applause ] "when i left you, i was but a learner. now i am the master." they say this is the biggest mess in michigan since eminem vomited up his mom's spaghetti. [ laughter ] joe biden is running essentially unopposed. the president met with leaders from both parties at the white house today to see if they can again try to stave off another last-minute government shutdown. if congress doesn't pass a bill to fund the government by end of day friday, we are in a big mess. and i would imagine that days like this have biden wondering why he ever even considered running for president again. >> thank you all for coming. that's what we're going to be talking about. thank you. [ conflicting shouted questions from reporters ] >> thank you, so much, everyone. >> you'll get a chance to talk afterwards. [ conflicting shouted questions

from reporters ] [ laughter ] >> we probably didn't need to sit on that quite that long. >> jimmy: i'm sure that's nothing to worry about. they've got good people working there. this is crazy. biden and trump are both scheduled to visit the border in texas on thursday. both of them. they will both be at the border. and if they can get two more senior citizens to go with them, they've got themselves a pickleball match. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the president is going to see what can be done to solve the border crisis. trump is going to make sure he doesn't solve what's happening at the border. [ laughter ] biden is planning to meet with u.s. border agents, while trump is planning to sell golden high tops on the streets of juarez. [ laughter ] don foolio took to truth social yesterday to post not one, but 15 endorsements for texas

lawmakers. they were all pretty much copy-and-paste jobs, but one name in particular stood out. one of the people he endorsed is stormy bradley. another stormy? [ laughter ] who knows two stormys? i wonder if he'll write this stormy a check, too. [ laughter ] when ted cruz heard about this stormy in texas, he immediately boarded a flight to cancun. [ laughter ] trump sees the border as a key point of attack against biden, even going so far as to strong-arm republicans in congress to renege on a deal they made to help secure it. trump is funny, because he goes from a topic like the border, which plays very well for him, even though he himself did nothing meaningful to secure it. he goes from screaming about issues americans actually care about to yelling about things that don't even exist. for whatever reason, he is fixated on water conservation. he's against it, by the way. [ laughter ] and every chance he gets now, he's beating this drum about not having enough water in our faucets and washing machines. >> they're destroying our country. whether it's a water faucet that doesn't put out water, or a shower that no water's -- or a

washing machine. you can be in the middle of the greatest waterfall, you know -- you have some states, they can't get rid of their water. the washing machines, they don't give you enough water. i made it so that great companies -- whirlpool, great v thrive. i let them have water. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you. wow, it's like moses has risen to lead us again through the water. [ laughter ] for a man who has never done his own laundry, he is very concerned about this. [ laughter ] i mean, seriously, do you think he has ever in his whole life -- do you think this man of the people has ever loaded a washing machine or a dryer or a dishwasher or washed a dish, rinsed anything, other than his filthy boxers in a hotel sink to get the smell of hooker off? [ laughter ] not a chance, not a chance. [ applause ] i would pay so much money to watch donald trump load a dishwasher. [ laughter ] i want a show called "the donald trump challenge," where every week he's tasked with a common

household chore, like operate a vacuum, make a bed, find the button that resets the garbage disposal. [ laughter ] every tuesday, he gets assigned a task. and for the whole hour, we just watch him try to do it. wouldn't that be the greatest? [ cheers and applause ] maybe we'll call it "donald does it." i think this could be bigger than "the apprentice." maybe if i pitch it, he'll drop out of the race and do this instead? [ laughter ] guillermo, get ivanka on the phone, stat! >> guillermo: okay, i will, yes. >> jimmy: thank you. all right. [ laughter ] we could put the whole dumb family on the show. the fraudigal son, donald trump junior, had a little scare yesterday. a team wearing hazmat suits were dispatched to his home in jupiter, florida, because djtj contained an unidentified white powder. usually when the hazmat team gets called to don jr.'s, it's because his hair clogged the toilet. [ laughter ] in this case, they analyzed, they found that the substance did not seem to be dangerous. probably just something from his friends in the white powder movement. [ laughter ]

i guess his job now is shouting at his computer. because his big subject today was google a.i. google a.i., i don't know if you heard, in the name of racial diversity, has been creating ridiculous images of black and latino nazis. if you tell it to make a picture of a nazi, it wants to include everyone. so it paints nazis from every color of the rainbow. it also, according to junior, does this with other historical figures, including a black george washington, which, as you will see, bothers him a lot. >> this -- this is what google gemini says the founding fathers looked like. black founding fathers. yes, you heard that correct, folks. according to google's a.i. gemini program, the founding fathers were actually black. i don't know about you. doesn't seem all that accurate. i wonder why they would do something like this? >> jimmy: when did he turn into a morning radio deejay from 1989? [ laughter ]

"it's dj djtj on the q morning zoo. be ready with the phrase that pays! caller 98.5 goes home with 98 dollars and 50 cents. stick with the winner after milli vannili on the q!" [ applause ] last night, i mentioned how daddy trump has been desperately trying to woo black voters. and the apple doesn't fall far from the orange on that. listen to this story this doof would have us believe is true. >> it's sort of interesting. as someone, you know, i travel all over the country, i fly commercial. you know, i have seen and witnessed, now more than ever, you know, the amount of african american men that have come up to me, literally, like, hey, man, you're my hero. i'm like, what? really? i did not have that in my bingo card. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this poor man can't even go into a cabela's without a man of african american men coming up to call him their hero. that happened, at most, zero times. [ laughter ] okay?

of all the many lies this adenoidal nepo-babychild has spit up, that might be the most preposterous of all of them. [ cheers and applause ] "hi, mr. trump jr. i want you to know that i am black, you probably noticed that, and i love whatever it is that you do. high five?" [ laughter ] it's time to play america's favorite new name game. it's time to go out to hollywood boulevard to play "gimme five!" here we go. [ cheers and applause ] our announcer lou is standing by. lou, you've got three contestants there. introduce us, won't you? >> lou: of course. we got, lexi, tony, and gabriela. >> jimmy: lexi, tony, gabriela. thank you for coming. thank you for playing. do you know the rules of the game, contestant? do you know the rules of this game? you do. lou, explain to our audience the rules of the game, and also to me, because i've forgotten them. >> lou: of course. jimmy's going to give you a category and ask you to name five things that belong in that category. you'll have 25 seconds to write

those answers down. for each correct answer, you'll get a point. whoever has the most points at the end of three rounds wins. >> jimmy: perfect. you ready to do this? all right. again, five things in a category. give me the names of five things that are slippery. you have 25 seconds. begin. gabriela, really, she knows her slippery stuff. i would also accept things that are slidery. basically, it's a list of things that are gross that we're looking for. well, it's not time yet. you've still got -- okay, all right. gabriela, we're going to start with you. you got slide. yes, okay. high heels. okay. seal. are we talking about the singer? [ laughter ] or the animal? >> the animal. >> jimmy: the animal. i would take both. tongue, okay. there's a spelling error there, but we will not count that

against you. >> oh. >> jimmy: and finally, water slide, which is also a slide. how do we -- guillermo, how do we rule? >> guillermo: she get the point. >> jimmy: she gets it? okay, you've got 5 points, gabriela. [ cheers and applause ] all right, now tony. tony is objecting. all right, tony, what's that first word? >> it is a wet ball. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you've been out on the boulevard for a while, tony? [ laughter ] >> little bit. >> jimmy: all right. a wet ball, okay, i'm going to give you that. a cat. a cat? um -- all right. guillermo? what do we say about cat? >> guillermo: a cat, no, i don't think so. >> jimmy: we're not going to give you cat. next one is -- what does that say? a slide, you get that for sure. i think you get that for sure. and me covered in soap? [ laughter ] oh, wow. all right. [ cheers and applause ] that's a sexy image.

i think we'll give you that, too. so, all right, we're ghiving yo four points, tony. lexi, what say you? ground. the ground can be slippery. that can be true, yes. a fish is, yes, slippery. is water slippery or does water make things slippery? i'm going to say water is not slippery, guillermo? >> guillermo: i think i agree with you. >> jimmy: okay, thank you. okay, next, slime, yes. slide, yes. you get four points. all right, lexi. we got a tight game here. we got good contestants. round two now. we're going to reset the clock. erase your boards if you would. the next category. five words that begin with a vowel. go. weirdly harder than you might guess. on this game show, vowels are free, by the way. we don't charge you for them like pat sajak does. fun fact, vowels, the vowel was

invented in 1985. guillermo, that's true, right? that's not true, all right. all right, now let's start with lexi. lexi, let's go for your answers here. you've got ate, eat, alpha, alphabet, elephant. that's 5 for you. tony? wait a minute. hold on a second. sometimes "y" but not in these cases. [ laughter ] hold on a minute. yeah, no, "y," no. not at the beginning. i'm sorry, but i'm going to have to give you only 3 points for that one. and finally, gabriela, who is -- owl, outside, umbrella, hombre. that is not spelled correctly. >> yeah, like, when you do your ombre. when you dye your hair -- j.c. guillermo, i need help on this. >> guillermo: i give her the point, ombre, yes.

[ laughter ] it is, yes. >> jimmy: wait. this is a word in english? >> yes. >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: and it's spelled ombre? >> yes. >> jimmy: i don't buy it, but -- okay. somebody look that up. and animal. we're going to give you 5, but i reserve the right to retract one if ombre is not -- >> it is ombre. >> guillermo: ombre. >> jimmy: yeah, that doesn't change my mind at all. [ laughter ] all right, we've got a game here. we're still -- let's put 25 seconds on the clock. give me things that tickle. all right, go ahead. let me see that ombre while they're doing this. ombre. that's a french word. a blending of one color. oh. how do you know this guillermo? [ laughter ] >> guillermo: thanks to my wife. >> jimmy: can i keep this phone? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: all right. oh, right, they're having the game. yes.

okay, here we go. let's check the scores. and we've got -- tony has 7. we have catching up to do. lexi, 9. gabriela, 10. tony? tony says -- i forgot what the category was. what was it? >> things that tickle. >> jimmy: things that tickle. feather, yes. baby. hmm. [ laughter ] >> babies, they tickle, they laugh. >> jimmy: a baby is more of a ticklee than a -- pillsbury dough boy, same thing. [ laughter ] your feet? okay, i'm going to give you your feet. because i could imagine you all soaped up with your feet, tickling. [ laughter ] finally, hyenas? [ laughter ] wait, tony, please, explain. >> okay, so, you say things that are tickle, i think hyenas, because they laugh all the time.

it's a tickle, right? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, okay, all right, so we're not giving you that. [ laughter ] going to give you feather. doesn't matter, tony, you lost. [ laughter ] all right, let's go to lexi. lexi, what do you have? lexi says feather, feet. okay, have to give you that -- i gave it to tony. armpits, things that are tickled but nobody has ever tickled anybody with their armpit. [ laughter ] 2 points there. and gabriela, i think you're in the pole position. feather, a person, pillows. yeah, okay, kind of. yarn, cat. cat, wait, what's with the cats? [ laughter ] i don't know, doesn't matter. gabriela, you are the winner! [ cheers and applause ] tell gabriela what she's done. >> lou: a bunch of junk from 5 below. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, a basket of 5 below junk. and what do we have for the losers, lou? i'm sorry, you did not survive -- >> lou: some 5-hour energy drink. >> jimmy: enjoy wisely and

safely. thank you, all, lexi, tony, and gabriela, our champion. thanks for playing "gimme five!" [ cheers and applause ] all right. we've got a good show tonight. david cross is here. we have music from dhruv. and we'll be right back with jennifer hudson, so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

i see my husband... the father of our girls. i see a public servant. a man who served under secretary clinton in the state department... where he took on the epidemic of violence against women in the congo. i see a fighter, a tenacious problem-solver... who will go to congress and protect abortion rights and our democracy. because he sees a better future for all of us. i'm peter dixon and i approved this message.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. tonight, an exceptionally funny man. his new standup comedy special is called "worst daddy in the world." david cross is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, making his late-night television debut with the song "tragedy," music from dhruv. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, david's pal bob odenkirk will be here. theo james will be with us, and we'll have music from sheryl crow. please join us then, too. our first guest is a multi-talented and multi-octave performer whose talk show was just renewed for a third season. watch "the jennifer hudson show" every weekday in syndication. please welcome jennifer hudson! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: how are you? you were at the -- like about ten days, 11 days ago, you were at the nba celebrity all-star game. >> yes. >> jimmy: you played in the game? >> i did. >> jimmy: how was that? >> my knees is so sore right now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: are they? >> yeah, i said i don't know if i'll wake it out here in these shoes with these knees. have you played? >> jimmy: not in high heels. [ laughter ] >> don't do that. >> jimmy: i coached the team once. i didn't do much coaching, i'll be honest. i was the assistant coach. >> okay. >> jimmy: and magic was the head coach. >> oh. >> jimmy: and magic did not listen to any of my suggestions. [ laughter ] >> okay, lil wayne was our assistant coach. >> jimmy: lil wayne? >> yes, he washe came in probably about the end of the game. [ laughter ] yes. i was so excited to have him as an assistant coach. then i got to be -- i'm still trying to remember the name.

the captain of the team. >> jimmy: you were the captain of the team. >> yes, at least i tried to be. i tried to play a little bit, but i didn't get too far. >> jimmy: how long did you play? >> let's see. i played for about three minutes, but i trained for a whole month. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you took it seriously? >> i took it so seriously. i did four on four games, full court, suicides. my knees died on me. i could barely get out here. listen, child. i ran up there for three minutes, okay? then i was like, "y'all can take me out of the game." stephen a. was the captain. "jennifer, go back in." "don't worry about me, don't worry about me." we got to halftime, i was hungry, i wanted a sandwich. [ laughter ] aja, "you're in the starting lineup, you're supposed to be out there." "what? i'm trying to eat, baby, i ain't trying to play the game." i called it camp david. they was excited to see me play. "get back in the game!" "don't worry about that, baby,

i'm okay." "just throw me in the last few minutes so i can never run around for the kids." i never did touch the ball. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did they neglect to pass the ball to you, or you just didn't want it? >> i did want it but i never got to the ball and the ball never got to me. >> jimmy: can i say i sense there might be an issue. this video, this is with your son during the warm i means before the game. let's take a look. >> you're shooting down there. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. that's one of the -- [ cheers and applause ] it's hard to remember which team you're on. >> he was my other coach. thank god he was there. when they took the ball, oh my god, how do you know which side your court is on, which side your team is on? >> jimmy: all the players lashes bron, when he's playing, he doesn't know if he's with the lakers or heat or cavaliers. [ laughter ] >> they didn't tell us.

maybe if lil wayne had been on time, i would have known. look, i took my nails off for the game, i was serious, y'all. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> i want my knees to return back to normal. >> jimmy: i love that lil wayne arrived for the game in the fourth quarter. i guess it's good that he isn't a professional athlete. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and i would imagine his -- him drawing up a play might be a little hard to follow. >> yeah, i ain't seen him draw up nothing. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: then you performed at the nba all-star game. >> i did. >> jimmy: the professional game. you performed at halftime of the game. >> yes, i did. >> jimmy: your son must have loved that. >> see me perform and be part of the game. we left side go every year. for him to be able to see that and experience, that we got to experience it a different way. it was also the anniversary of my late brother's birthday. that's how we celebrate it every year. this year i decided i was going to play in the game in honor of him and of my kid. >> jimmy: you almost did play in the game. [ applause ] >> i'm not doing it no more. >> jimmy: when you were like your son's age, were you like doing local singing gigs and

that kind of stuff in chicago? >> yes, oh my goodness, yes. my best friend and i, we used to go around and perform different places. i used to go to this club, east of chicago, they would have drag shows. let me sing for real. we would make all the tip money. then i would have to split the money with walter and all the drags would dress me up, and i would go out there, and i would perform. yes, honey. i would give him his 10%. >> jimmy: taste of chicago, i've been to that event. they've got all the different food booths. >> that's a different taste. >> jimmy: that's a different taste of chicago? jimmy: oh, that's the name of the club? >> yes. >> jimmy: oh, okay. >> yeah, the taste. >> jimmy: there's no banana pudding at this one? [ laughter ] >> ain't no banana pudding at that one, no baby, not at all. >> jimmy: what songs would you sing? >> you know what, i even sang songs like "i am telling you" which i was in "dreamgirls" and stuff like that. [ cheers and applause ] i got a lot my training there. >> jimmy: you and quincy jones and chance the rapper.

>> a theater in chicago, south side of chicago, we were able to reopen a theater. we want to see more performers and entertainers come through. chance recently performed there. hopefully i'll get to perform there. >> jimmy: this was a theater they were going to close down? >> they did close down, and we were just able to reopen. it opened new year's >> jimmy: wow. >> yes, this past new year's eve. [ cheers and applause ] go make sure you visit it. >> jimmy: we'll take a break. jennifer hudson is with us from "the jennifer hudson show." we'll be right back. [cars honking] i'm a guy who lost a bet. and my dignity. get out of the way! as if watching my team lose wasn't punishment enough. what are you looking at huh... it's a one speed. hahaha. hahaha. and if you have cut rate car insurance, odds are you'll be paying for that yourself. so, get allstate and be better protected from mayhem... like me. hey, i'm walking here!

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we are back with jennifer hudson whose show "the jennifer hudson show" has been renewed for a third season, congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: once you get to the third season, you're kind of this. that's how you know it's going, right? >> yeah, i was going to go for tips. i feel now -- >> jimmy: you don't need them, you've got three seasons, you know what to do, you know how to do it. >> we've done over 250 episodes at this point. it's been a lot of fun. >> jimmy: you count them? >> yeah, you know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's a celebration. >> jimmy: sure, yeah. the big ones, yeah. it's funny. here, we used to count them very precisely. now it's like, "oh, did you know we do our 4,000th show last wednesday?" "oh, okay." everything becomes less exciting, i guess. >> okay. >> jimmy: it's like a marriage. [ laughter ] >> that's what i have to look forward to, okay, okay. it's a blast. i love the show. >> jimmy: speaking of that, you had an interesting guest on your

show. you had common on your show. >> i did. >> jimmy: who as fellow chicagoan. >> he is. >> jimmy: i watched this. you -- he came out. and you asked him if he was dating anyone. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and then he described this woman that he's dating and how happy he is. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: and then he asked you a question. you described this man you're dating. then we realized that you are dating each other. >> is that what you got? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, it wasn't -- yeah, he did say an egot winner, which narrows it down. >> to two people. >> jimmy: did you find it hard with common to interview him? because i think when i know somebody really well, it's difficult for me to interview them because i kind of know everything that's going on in their life. it feels fake. >> well -- no find it more difficult to interview someone i'm a huge fan of. >> jimmy: oh, okay. >> which is most of my guests,

obviously. that's when i freak out the most. >> jimmy: why? >> i like people i'm more familiar with because it's more like a conversation. >> jimmy: i get you. there's a point for me -- of course, i'm not trying to force you to my opinion here. but for me, there's a point where it's like, i already know the answer to this question. i think you asked common what part of chicago he was from. that is right part of the game? >> he thinks he's from the south side. i'm from the south side, he's from the east side. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're saying this is some kind of a stolen -- >> it's a chicago thing. >> jimmy: he says he's from the south side, he is not from the south side? >> i'm the true south side chicago. >> jimmy: you're the real south side? >> i was saying, i'm south side, he's -- >> jimmy: okay, i did not -- >> it's a chicago thing. >> jimmy: you play husband and wife in in movie? >> yes, we did a film "breed," look for that. it's kind of like pandemic with no oxygen. imagine trying to survive that. >> jimmy: no one would. [ laughter ] >> you see?

somehow, we're great scientists, we figure it out. this is the first film where i get to be kind of like an action hero. like my first action -- >> jimmy: we have a picture. we don't have a clip, i guess. >> that's quinnshenae who plays my daughter and myself in the film, and we are trying to survive. you see the oxygen mask. look for that. >> jimmy: either trying to survive or on a really cool ski trip. >> different but fun. >> jimmy: jennifer hudson is here. [ cheers and applause ] "the jennifer hudson show" airs weekdays in syndication. we'll be back with david cross! . i prep without pills. with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. with one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. in studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. you must be hiv negative to receive apretude

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. music from dhruv is on the way. our next guest is a comedy legend with a new podcast called "senses working overtime" and a new stand-up comedy special called "worst daddy in the world." please welcome david cross. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: very good to see you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i appreciate you changing your schedule to be here tonight, very kind of you. >> yeah, yeah, you know -- they called me, can i fill in? >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's like -- it's true. [ laughter ] hm. it's true. >> jimmy: they both take offense, i think. no, it is true. >> so i stayed an extra day. and this -- it does -- this is eating into my -- tuesday night is my wife and i's date night. >> jimmy: oh, geez, all right. well, thank you. >> yeah, it's true. actually, i'm going to check in with her, if that's cool, if you all don't mind. >> jimmy: now you want to check in with her? >> yeah. [ laughter ] just let her know -- let me turn

this up. >> jimmy: your wife, amber tamblyn. >> yeah. [ phone ringing ] >> jimmy: does she -- okay. [ phone ringing ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: does she usually answer? >> hey, i'm at the restaurant, are you on your way? >> no. so i'm at -- i'm still in l.a. i stayed here an extra day to do the jimmy kimmel show. >> what? [ laughter ] are you [ bleep ] kidding me? who's watching marvin? >> what? >> you [ bleep ] stayed in l.a.? how -- why are you staying there? i'm sitting here at a restaurant, waiting for you right now. this is a [ bleep ] joke? [ laughter ] i don't believe you actually stayed out there this entire time. [ laughter ] >> all right. [ applause ] >> jimmy: gosh, i'm so sorry. >> it's all right. it's all good. >> jimmy: miscommunication. >> keeping the romance. well, there's no communication, not a miscommunication. [ laughter ] yeah, but that's -- the little

things keep, you know, marriage exciting. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: keep the fire alive. how old is your daughter now? >> she just turned 7. >> jimmy: okay, that's a fun age. >> yes. i mean -- i mean, she literally just turned 7. so, i mean, yeah. last couple of days have been fun. [ laughter ] you know. she's -- you know, give or take. no, she's -- she's really coming into her own. you know. kids do that. they start, you know -- the questions are different. >> jimmy: what kind of questions does she ask you? >> i mean, like -- well, you know -- i have a part of my podcast, at the end of the podcast i ask every guest a question from marlowe, my daughter. i have her come up with questions to ask people. they've been great. like really -- i mean, there have been a couple really good ones. like, why is there always pizza at birthday parties? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: who did she ask that

of? >> i don't remember, man. >> jimmy: are you calling your wife again? [ laughter ] >> no. "honey, who did marlowe ask about the pizza?" no, here's a couple. i got them on my phone. >> jimmy: oh, okay, good. >> this is a good one. if lava is so hot, why doesn't it melt the vol cane though? >> jimmy: that's a great question. >> yeah. if the street were clean, could you lick it? [ laughter ] i recorded a podcast today with my father-in-law, rustam blinn, who's got a book coming out. the question was, does your i've ewe la help you with anything? [ laughter ] it's a good question. i'm going to -- i'm going to ask you a question. is that cool? >> jimmy: yeah, from your daughter? >> yep. >> jimmy: sure, okay. >> normally this would be in podcast. >> jimmy: okay. >> when you do my podcast, which you will do -- >> jimmy: all right. we're not doing it right now? [ cheers and applause ] >> of course, of course.

then i'll ask you a different one. >> jimmy: okay. >> this is one is one of my favorites. and i -- this is -- i'm making this specifically for you. >> jimmy: okay. >> a real question. asked earnestly. these are all asked in earnest. if donald trump found a lucky penny, would he have good luck? >> jimmy: ooh! well -- i think just him being able to bend over and pick it up -- [ laughter ] would be lucky. yes, i'm going to say, yeah, i think so. >> he would, he would pick up a penny. >> jimmy: oh, you think so? >> i do. or he'd have somebody pick it up for him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, i feel like he's kick it at a housekeeper or something like that. [ laughter ] that would be his version -- but then he'd make sure it got deposited into his account. >> oh, absolutely, yeah. i swear to god, i am being very sincere when i say this. i think we should put donald trump on the penny. because he would love it.

"i'm on american currency." but people hate pennies. [ laughter ] they're annoying. they're covered in gum or urine or whatever. [ laughter ] dog [ bleep ]. [ applause ] it's a win-win. >> jimmy: i like it. >> it's a win-win. >> jimmy: lincoln's got two denominations anyway, why not? [ laughter ] your special's called "worst daddy in the world." it seems like you aren't the worst daddy in the world, though, are you? >> she came up with the title. [ laughter ] but it also, you know -- it's -- she said that you know, because i -- whatever. i wouldn't take her to dollar general to get a toy for the third time, whatever. >> jimmy: right. >> by the way, if you're any -- i've got about a year left, i think, of being able to just grab a present at the airport. not worry about it, well, just give her this. but dollar general's great for presents.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: for anything. >> yeah. she's only going to play with it for five minutes and it's a dollar. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and, you know -- and the money goes towards the -- to generals. [ laughter ] the u.s. military. >> jimmy: our veterans. >> true patriot. blood and soil, buddy. but it also -- the title also suggests that there are a lot of people in america that think, because of the belief system and how i'm raising her, you know, to be loving and to share and to celebrate diversity and love everybody and be tolerant, you know, that i'd be the worst daddy in the world. you know, there are some people that think the way i'm raising her is not right. >> jimmy: right. >> you know. because i, like, let her read books. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> things like that. >> jimmy: you know, you can't do that. >> yeah. >> jimmy: in a lot of cases.

>> in florida you can't. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: in florida, for sure not. how old are you in this head shoot, may i ask? [ laughter and applause ] >> oh my goodness. is that -- is that legit? >> jimmy: yeah, it's something, yeah. >> wow. i think i'm -- 52? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is -- who are these men on the head shot? why are you sharing a head -- is that steve martin? >> so this is letraset. >> jimmy: oh. >> this is obviously early. i'm going to guess i'm 19? 18 or 19? and i started doing stand-up right before my 18th birthday. so i wouldn't have gotten real work until, you know, like 18 or 19. and they're like, "you need a head shot." i was like, "huh?" [ laughter ] i had nothing, no money. and so i -- i don't know where i went. but i didn't -- i couldn't get

it printed. i didn't have enough money to get my name or anything printed. i went to the -- like a staples-type thing, that didn't exist then, but whatever. i got letraset. >> jimmy: you rubbed the letters off. i remember that. >> it came with these little guys. [ laughter ] i put the little guys there. >> jimmy: did they get work too? or is it just you? >> they get a cut. they get a cut of everything i've ever made. where did you get that? >> jimmy: i don't know. there are people who acquire these things. we had it at the dollar general store, i think. [ laughter ] >> i should go to the hollywood -- i should go to the little hollywood -- >> jimmy: you were a cute little boy, i have to say. you are releasing this special in a special way. is that correct? tell us exactly how you're doing that. >> well, it's not on a streaming service. like a lot of people, i'm not -- i didn't originate this -- a lot of people are doing this now. i'm newly converted to the idea.

so it will be on -- it will be on the 800 pound gorilla youtube site. they're a comedy thing. then it will switch over to my site. then it just lives there. and it's nice that it's, you know -- if you want to look for it, it's easy to find. as opposed to, like, it's not in the algorithm of netflix where it comes out, then if you're not into it, it just disappears. >> jimmy: right, right, right. >> so -- >> jimmy: you're doing a live component to it, right? >> yeah, i did it with the last special, too. [ laughter ] all of which is -- all of which is available through officialdavidcross.com website. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: officialdavidcross.com. >> anything you want to know about what i'm doing -- tv, film, voice-over, kimmel appearances. >> jimmy: it will ob there? >> yeah. you don't have to fly me out

here to get this information, jimmy. you just go. >> jimmy: i could have gone -- well. >> you could have gone to officialdavidcross.com. [ laughter ] i'll be doing a live chat stream thing which it's really fun to do while it's streaming and people are asking questions. >> jimmy: i have no doubt it's fantastic. it's called "the worst daddy in the world." it premieres tomorrow at 10:00 p.m. eastern, 7:00 p.m. pacific, on the 800-pound gorilla media youtube channel. david cross, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, david. we'll be back with dhruv. let's go win this thing! then we hit the road and never stopped. you shared with me your frustration at working harder to barely get by and afford a place to live.

your fears for our democracy and freedoms and your dreams for yourself, your family, and the future. it is not too late to realize those dreams. i'm adam schiff, and i approve this message because together we can still get big things done. what do i see in peter dixon? i see my husband... the father of our girls. i see a public servant. a man who served under secretary clinton in the state department...

where he took on the epidemic of violence against women in the congo. i see a fighter, a tenacious problem-solver... who will go to congress and protect abortion rights and our democracy. because he sees a better future for all of us. i'm peter dixon and i approved this message. >> jimmy: thanks to jennifer hudson and david cross. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next. but first, making his late-night television debut with the song "tragedy" -- dhruv! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ tryin' not to think about it but i always do ♪ ♪ playin' out the scene in my head on an endless loop ♪ ♪ feelin' like the main character but in my own tragedy

oh, oh, ohh ♪ ♪ under the canopy your coffee shop in november set of the tragedy ♪ ♪ a painful day to remember i can't believe ♪ ♪ the way you had to break it to me ♪ ♪ walkin' on eggshells ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ the pauses in conversation part of the last act ♪ ♪ cold yolks left on the table no i can't believe it ♪ ♪ didn't take too long to forget it couldn't look at me when you said it ♪ ♪ see i'm tryin' not to think about it but i always do ♪ ♪ playin' out the scene in my head

on an endless loop ♪ ♪ feelin' like the main character but in my own tragedy ♪ ♪ why'd you do this to me do this to me ♪ ♪ you said you found someone ♪ ♪ and you left my beatin' heart on the floor ♪ ♪ you said you found someone ♪ ♪ and i told you that i'm happy on my own ooh ♪ ♪ but i'm not why'd you do this to me ♪ ♪ like i needed remindin' ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ this life is poetry without the rhymin' ♪ ♪ you waltz in galleries with your new man ♪ ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ and i watch from under the covers ♪ ♪ in a bed that's not seen a lover since you left ♪ ♪ that i'm tryin' not to think about it but i always do ♪ ♪ playin' out the scene in my head on an endless loop ♪ ♪ feelin' like the main character but in my own tragedy ♪ ♪ why'd you do this to me do this to me ♪ ♪ you said you found someone ♪

♪ and you left my beatin' heart on the floor ♪ ♪ you said you found someone ♪ ♪ and i told you that i'm happy on my own ooh but i'm not ♪ ♪ why'd you do this to me why'd you do this to me ♪ ♪ ♪ why'd you do this to me whoa whoa whoa ♪ ♪ whoa whoa whoa ♪ ♪ trying not to think about it but i always will ♪ ♪ playin' out the scene in my head for an empty thrill ♪ ♪ feelin' like the main character but in my own tragedy ♪ ♪ why'd you do this to me do this to me ♪

♪ whoa oh why'd you do this to me ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] this is "nightline." >> trevor: tonight, sea quest. the company calling itself the world's fastest-growing aquarium popping up in malls across america. >> please consider bringing an extra $10 or $15 with you to have the full sea quest experience where you can hand-feed and hold and touch. >> trevor: some visitors claim they were injured. >> i saw blood on my shirt. i realized, she really got hurt. >> trevor: some former employees say the company puts profit ahead of animal care. >> it was like a dice roll, what animals got to see the vet. >> trevor: what you need to