>> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- josh brolin, nikki glaser, and music from sarah mclachlan. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome, welcome.

hi, everyone. very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us. please, relax. it was a very stormy day for everyone's favorite former president today. [ laughter ] we are coming to you from our studio in hollywood, or exhibit "f" as it was entered into evidence during the donald trump hush money trial this afternoon. the prosecution today called their star witness, their porn star witness, stormy daniels took the stand this morning. for donald trump -- i could only imagine the nervous farting was off the charts. [ laughter ] it was quite a day in court. we got mentioned in court again today, which is exciting. [ cheers and applause ] prosecutors asked stormy about her interview on our show. in which we examined her signature on a letter trump's henchmen cooked up, denying that she and trump ever did "it."

daniels said she signed her name in a different way as a "tip off" to jimmy kimmel. who is me. [ laughter ] somehow i have become the kato kaelin of this trial. [ laughter ] they did not share a clip, but this was the exchange in question. >> your original statement, the signature on the original statement does not match the signature on this statement, which i went through my library of photographs of you to compare it to head shots that you have signed. and these seem to match the original statement. did you sign this letter that was released today? >> i don't know, did i? >> jimmy: she played me like a fiddle. [ laughter ] stormy testified for three hours and 44 minutes today. her testimony got off to an awkward start. the bailiff swore her in on a rolled-up "forbes" magazine. [ laughter ] when she raised her right hand, trump instinctively shouted,

"i'm a bad boy, mommy!" [ laughter ] the judge said stormy could testify about her sexual relationship with trump, but also said, "we don't need to know the details." and see, now this is where i have to object. [ laughter ] yes, we do need to know the details, some of us are trying to host a show here, okay? [ laughter and applause ] and we did get some details. very unnecessary details. stormy said the encounter was "brief," and that trump did not wear a condom. which is not surprising. he also stared directly into an eclipse. [ laughter ] not exactly a "safety first" kinda guy. she said they had sex in the missionary position, and that trump told her she reminded him of his daughter. [ audience moaning ] seems like we should lock him up just for that, right? [ cheers and applause ] we also learned trump used to call stormy "honeybunch." which, interestingly, is also a term melania used at mar-a-lago. "honey, bunch of fbi agents at

door." [ laughter ] prosecutors promised the judge the testimony would not involve any descriptions of the former president's "genitalia." for that you can go to our youtube channel, and type in "trump mushroom penis stormy daniels." it has 18 million views. you'll love it. the live court updates today read like the old letters to "penthouse forum." "stormy daniels says she came out of the bathroom and found that trump was in the bedroom, waiting for her, in his boxer shorts and a tee-shirt. she had been planning to go. she said he was seated on the bed between her and the exit." like a traffic cone with nipples or something. [ laughter ] and by the way, if you are having trouble imagining trump seducing a lady in his bedroom clothes? just feast your eyes on this. [ audience moaning ] no one puts the "mold" in "smoldering" like donald trump. stormy also recounted how she rummaged through trump's toiletry bag, where she found

old spice deodorant, and a bottle of pert plus. [ laughter ] explains why his hair has so much bounce! [ laughter ] it's gentle enough to use every day! another bit of scumbaggery trump participated in, he dangled the idea of putting stormy on "the apprentice" when he was wooing her. she said, "what if i lose on the first episode?" and she says trump suggested he could tell her what the challenges would be ahead of time. the guy who complains everything is rigged, offered to rig his stupid show to get some action. [ laughter ] this was another fun detail. trump watched stormy's testimony on the courtroom monitor, rather than looking at her directly. which is odd. especially when he was looking at the monitor, he tried to fast forward to the sex scenes. [ laughter ] and nothing happened. so after hearing the first half of stormy's testimony, trump, he nearly all-capsed in his pants. [ laughter ] during the lunch break, he posted, "the prosecution, which has no case, has gone too far, mistrial!"

[ laughter ] trump's lawyers argued that stormy's testimony was "prejudicial" because, how is the jury supposed to be fair now that they've visualized him in the missionary position? [ laughter ] how are any of us supposed to move forward from that, really? [ applause ] this is not related to the sex, but you know how trump made a big deal of the judge not letting him go to barron's high school graduation? even though the judge never said anything about not letting him go and actually is letting him go? well, you're definitely going to believe this. on the day barron is graduating in florida, trump is headlining an event in minnesota. i guess dad's not going to make the post-graduation brunch. [ laughter ] "sorry son, i have to go scream about windmills for two hours." [ laughter ] and then we have kristi noem, governor of south dakota and number one arch enemy of the paw patrol. [ laughter ] who was on trump's short list. many believe trump no longer considers her to be a potential running mate, because she is a puppy shooter. but i don't know.

she's done a really good job of distracting us from the porn star stuff. he kind of owes her. mike pence never did anything like that. [ laughter ] this story is nuts, and just keeps getting nuttier. noem is now distancing herself from her own autobiography. [ laughter ] her book came out today, and by the way, it's the perfect gift for anyone who loves traditional conservative values and is considering a career as a serial killer. [ laughter ] "politico" has a story about her first book in which she reportedly wanted to share her dog-shooting saga in that one, but the publishers talked her out of it, they said it was a bad idea that could hurt her politically, and they were right. they were very, very right on that. [ applause ] so now, cruella dakota is on a media tour. where right wing news crazies, like eric bolling of newsmax, are desperately trying to come up with any angle that might help get her out of this mess. >> governor, i've also written a couple of books. i know how the process works. write some chapters. you don't write the whole book at once. you write a chapter or two, send

it to the editors, they edit. they read it, add, subtract. here's my question. the editor, was she possibly a plant? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes. the editor was a plant. [ laughter ] the editor was a philodendron. working for the biden crime family, and she got in. good one, eric! kristi noem, not only did she include this story in the book, she read the dog story aloud for the audiobook! [ audience moaning ] and we'll have that for you, but first, this. >> i know you're a mom. i know you're a follower of god. i know you can quote the bible. meanwhile, because of the story, the leftist media has you out there killing fido. >> jimmy: no, no. we don't have you out there killing fido. you killed fido! [ cheers and applause ] the other passage that is getting a lot of attention is a tale about governor noem meeting another gnome, north korean

leader kim jong-un. [ laughter ] in the story, she brags about telling him off. well, turns out, she did not meet with kim jong-un, it was a lie. and now, not only are they cutting it out of the book, she's doing some mary lou retton-caliber verbal gymnastics to try to bs her way around it. >> did you meet with kim jong-un? >> i've met many world leaders. i've been traveling for years and years, talking to world leaders. i've traveled the world, and i've visited with world leaders. i've gone all across the world. i've met with world leaders. i have met with leaders around the world. i've met with many world leaders, many of them. i've met with many, many world leaders. many world leaders. i've met with many, many world leaders. i've met many world leaders around the world, i've been to the dmz. i've been in the dmz, i've traveled all around the world. i'm not going to talk about those personal meetings that i've had with world leaders. i don't have conversations about my conversations with world leaders. i don't talk about personal meetings with world leaders. i never talk about my personal meetings with world leaders. >> maybe you did have a conversation with kim, but you don't want to talk about it? >> i will not talk about my

personal conversations with any world leaders. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's right, i will only write about it in my book. [ laughter ] then immediately retract it. >> why did you remove it? is it because it's untrue? that passage? >> no, this is something that i think is -- i'm not going to talk about it. >> clearly if you're taking it out of the book, it's because it's untrue? >> i've given you my answer, no, that's not the answer. >> you recorded the whole book, the audiobook. you read this pessage out loud. >> i've traveled for years. i've been involved in policy for almost 30 years. >> okay, but you didn't answer my question. when you recorded -- you posted pictures and video of yourself recording the audiobook. when you recorded your audiobook, you didn't notice -- >> i'm not going to discuss about my meetings with world leaders. >> i'm not asking you to, i'm asking about recording your audiobook. >> did you want to talk about something else today? >> jimmy: yes, let's get back to you killing your puppy in a gravel pit. [ laughter ] >> i can hear the mother behind me yelling, "my chickens, no, not my chickens," as she sobbed and ran after me, bouncing the baby under the arm.

all three of us chased cricket around in circles, flailing after her as she grabbed one chicken at a time, crunching it to death with one bite, then dropping it after another. she was like a trained assassin. >> jimmy: right. like a puppy john wick. [ laughter ] a real wick puppy is what she is. this is so crazy. and the truth is, kristi noem is getting a lot of heat for being anti-dog, shouldn't she get some credit for being so pro-chicken? [ laughter ] [ applause ] the book debuted at number 58 on amazon behind "how to catch a mamasaurus." [ laughter ] maybe she should have released a children's book instead, "young yeller" for instance. [ audience moaning ] kristi noem was not invited to the annual met gala last night in new york. that event is exclusively for liberal elites. the met gala is the ultra-fancy costume party thrown each year by the editor of "vogue" where everyone looks like something you'd see in a commercial for miracle-gro. [ laughter ] many very famous people were there including zendaya, j. lo,

dua lipa. the whole thing just looks like torture. you can't even walk. that's how we put guillermo to bed on cinco de mayo. [ laughter and applause ] this is not fashion. it's a huge happening. you know every year, these fashion correspondents come up with some dumb word they repeat over and over again. like "rocking." "she's rocking this." "moment." "obsessed." this year, the hot new red carpet word is "giving." >> she is giving glamor, she's giving supermodel, she is giving movie star, she is giving fashion right there, she is giving elegance, movie star, drama on the carpet. she is giving supermodel right now. this is giving mother of the bride. she's giving silhouette, giving a beautiful body. she's giving no nothing, just white. giving me evil disney princess in the best way. it's giving like easter sunday. it's also giving queen of hearts, to me. >> yes.

>> it's kind of giving poison ivy couture. she's giving fashion, she's giving fun, she's giving major glam. she's giving body. ponytail, just gorgeous. >> jimmy: you're giving me a headache is what you're giving. [ applause ] really fighting the urge to throw up right now. [ laughter ] the theme of the met gala was "sleeping beauties." i'm surprised they didn't invite donald trump. he's been sleeping in court for weeks down the block. and he's nothing if not a fashion trendsetter. this is the latest in maga wear, i don't know if you've seen -- "diapers over dems." if you zoom in you can see she's wearing a sticker that says, "real men wear diapers." [ laughter ] this seems to be an offshoot of a nickname trump's former lawyer michael cohen came up with, "von schitzenpantz." [ laughter ] did you see this? i guess rather than fight it, they've decided to embrace it. which i don't think trump will like. i don't think he wants to be known as von schitzenpantz. [ laughter ] i don't know anybody who would want to be known -- >> enough!

enough of this "schveinfoolery!" >> jimmy: i'm sorry, who are you? >> who am i? who am i? i am baron gunther von schitzenpantz! [ cheers and applause ] of the klagenfurt von schitzenpantzes! [ in faux-german accent ] i come from a long line of von shitzenpantzes! i vill not have, the von schitzenpantz family name dishhonered undt dishreshpected! you vill sheesh! and you vill deshist! >> jimmy: well, i mean, i was talking about donald trump. i didn't even know there was a von schitzenpantz family. >> oh ho ho oh ho ho oh ho ho! oh ho ho oh ho ho! >> jimmy: is there something -- >> you did not know that there was a von shitzenpants family. oh! zat's ein gut one. what a chuckle, mr. funny-hosen. >> jimmy: no, it's true. i did not know there was -- >> what? the name von schitzenpantz is known around the vorld!

my grandfather, the great "vorld var un general heinrich, "big harry"? bohlshack von schitzenpantz, ring a bell? >> jimmy: nope. not at all. no, no. >> mein great-great-grandmozher vas hildegard fartnokker von schitzenpantz! >> jimmy: still doesn't ring a bell. >> who later married kommisar kaamletoe of weinerschpanck? and built schools for all the little weinerschpanckers? [ laughter ] you've heard of this? >> jimmy: i've never heard any of them, no. >> what? [ in faux-german accent ] >> vell, vell, you need to brush up on your german hishtory. >> jimmy: i guess so, you're probably right. >> in ze meantime, i would appreciate it -- pish and posh -- keep the von shitzenpants name out of your farfegnugen mouth. >> jimmy: i apologize, i did not mean any -- >> pish! good day, sir! [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: i did not mean any disrespect. all right, yes. we have a -- you know what? that's what we call giving 110%. [ cheers and applause ] we have a fun show tonight. nikki glaser is here, we've got music from sarah mclachlan, and we'll be right back with josh brolin. it's derm's day off,

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there. welcome back to the show. tonight, a lady you saw destroy at the netflix roast of tom brady on sunday night. her new special for hbo is called, "nikki glaser: someday you'll die." nikki glaser is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, celebrating the 30th anniversary of her great album, "fumbling towards ecstasy" - with a tour starting may 23rd in vancouver -- sarah mclachlan from the don julio stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, we'll be joined by david beckham and chris perfetti, with music from cage the elephant. so join us for that. our first guest tonight is a movie star, tv star, and a man's man to the point where he has the word "bro" right in his name. [ laughter ] his supernatural western "outer range" returns for a season two may 16th on prime video. please welcome josh brolin.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. i want to you to know something, josh. i'm not just speaking from my own point of view, but i am speaking from my own point of view. both i and our segment producers, you're one of our favorite guests to have on the show. [ cheers and applause ] we're excited to have you here. >> because you never know what's going to happen. i might take off my clothes. i might not. [ laughter ] it's nice to see an audience. remember, last time i was here it was five years ago. >> jimmy: why, what was going on five years ago? >> i don't remember. half the universe. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i hear you're writing a memoir, is that true?

>> i am. >> jimmy: you are? >> i did. >> jimmy: it's done? >> i did, i did. "from under the truck." it's humbling is what it is. very humbling. when you write a memoir, everybody thinks, even people at your place that i talk to, who are you going to exploit? is it going to be a legal situation? >> jimmy: yeah. >> who are you going to call out? your thing that you had with rupaul, you know. [ laughter ] when you were in a blackout with kimmel that night, remember? >> jimmy: i just want to know if you admit to shooting any of your pets. [ laughter ] i mean, that's really, like -- >> oh, man. see, i forget that. >> jimmy: yeah, no, you can't do that. >> "no country" and "american gangster," i shot pets in both movies and they came out at the same time. >> jimmy: don't put that in the book. [ laughter ] >> but they came after me. >> jimmy: who did? >> it was like aspca that said, "did you shoot those pets?" "it's a movie, no!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you snapped your

fingers and half the universe -- >> i know, did that really happen? >> jimmy: did thanos kill pets? was it pets or just humans who died? >> the memoir was good to write. a lot of revealing stories in it. and i call a lot of people out. >> jimmy: you do. friends? >> yeah, if they're famous. so the book will sell. >> jimmy: enemies? >> what? >> jimmy: enemies? >> no, i don't have enemies. >> jimmy: uh-huh? it's just the people closest to you who you will destroy? [ laughter ] >> emily blunt, your friend. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> half the book's about her. >> jimmy: is that right? [ laughter ] oh, no. >> yeah. john kaczynski is the other half. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's krasinski. >> is it? >> jimmy: kaczynski was the unabomber. [ laughter ] you're thinking of a different guy. if you've accused john, emily's dad is a lawyer. if you've accused john of being the unabomber, you're in a lot of trouble. >> it's obviously not very well written. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: i imagine you talk about your career and stuff. your first movie was "the goonies," right? that was the first thing you did? >> that was the first. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: was that also your first job? >> that was my first job. when they had me put the shorts over the long sweats? i thought that was it. [ laughter ] because i come from a pretty cool place. when you do that, you think you're going to be written off. but i wasn't. >> jimmy: you thought that was going to be the thing? >> yeah. who puts shorts over sweats? [ laughter ] like, whose decision was that? i just showed up, "what about this?" and i was like, "whatever you want, i guess." >> jimmy: was it your first actual job? >> it was. >> jimmy: had you had any jobs before that? >> i cooked. i cooked for -- i cooked in an italian restaurant between 12 years old and 15 years old. >> jimmy: that seems illegal, isn't it? [ laughter ] >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah, what did you cook? >> i dealt drugs before that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you did? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: what is a 12-year-old cooking? >> i got the job, it was like a friend of a friend who owned the restaurant.

i got a job as, what do you call them, you give bread, you give -- a bus boy. >> jimmy: oh, i thought it was going to be something french. >> no, no, no. bus boy, you give the bread, you don't give the bread in time, "excuse me, excuse me!" i threw the bread at somebody and lost that job. >> jimmy: you got fired for throwing bread? >> i got fired within three days. they put me in the back in the kitchen. it was an open kitchen. it was an italian restaurant. we had an opera singer that would go from table -- it was a fun restaurant, really fun. it was more presentational. the food sucked. really bad. i made chicken. i became head pasta cook by the time i was 15. i thought that's what i wanted to do. >> jimmy: do you think the food was bad because they had a 12-year-old making it? [ applause ] did that maybe have something to do with it? >> they did make a good dish, zabaione was the dish that i made. >> jimmy: that's a dessert, right? >> it's like a custard dessert. >> jimmy: what's the key to it? >> the key is timing, heat, and the ability to do this. [ laughter ]

which i was super good at, at 12. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: this was why they had 12 and 13-year-olds working at the place. >> yeah. even though this is cramping, this is cramping, you're like -- "you're gonna love this!" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. josh brolin is here with us. his new season of "outer range" premieres on may 16th, prime video. we'll be right back.

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all he wants is the west pasture and an apology. >> huh. an apology. an apology from whom? >> you. >> for what? >> for taking me from him. his words, not mine. >> and here you stand delivering it. >> to save our family. to save my name. my family's name, royal! >> your name? your name? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is josh brolin? "outer range" which is a sci-fi western. it is a show that -- it's one of these things -- you've been involved in a lot of the these movies, shows, et cetera, where people are not just fans, but devoted to an extreme, correct? >> i don't know, i've done,

luckily in the last 22 years or whatever, i've done a few movies that people recognize. before that, it was nothing. except for "the goonies." goonie! yeah, i get it. >> jimmy: beyond recognize, there's a devotion. >> no, there's a devotion. you have "no country." "sicario" comes up a lot. "avengers" comes up a lot. [ cheers and applause ] but recently, i went to, like -- i don't know, something. but the guy came out from the little hut. i was driving in. it was angrily, like it scared me. he goes, "outer range, season two or what!" i was like, "all right, man." people have been bringing it up. it's been a year and a half. there's a fan base that's, i don't know, insane? frenetic? [ laughter ] which is nice. you need to work, you know what i mean? >> jimmy: unless you're trying to get through a security checkpoint. >> that's true. >> jimmy: you're directing this season, have you ever done that before? >> i've directed shorts, i've directed theater, i've never

directed like this, it was great. >> jimmy: you liked it? >> i really liked it. i felt like i've had all these random interests my whole life, i never really understood where they came from. why would i want to jump out of a plane? i don't know why. the science interest, whatever it is. direct was one of those things where it was all able to funnel into one place, and it all made sense. >> jimmy: your costars, when you are suddenly the director, you go from being one of them to being in charge -- >> which is uncomfortable. >> jimmy: is it uncomfortable? >> it is uncomfortable. because you're having to remove yourself, and then you're telling people what to do, then they take it personally. you know what i mean? also, like -- somebody said, do you say action, cut? i said, "i tried, but f-ya came out a lot." >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, i got excited. it was nice. i don't particularly like actors. [ laughter ] as an actor. as an actor, you know what i mean? >> jimmy: i guess, yeah. >> it's like all that before a scene, all that -- what are you doing? as a director i'm like, you look really good right now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, so it gave you an

appreciation. >> it gave you an appreciation for what they do, taking one step back, being able to appreciate from it a different perspective. as an actor, i don't care for them that much. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you worked with a lot of great directors. oliver stone, guillermo del toro, paul thomas anderson, gus van sant. did you reach out to any of them? off have any of them taught you a lesson that you took with you to the set? >> lack of pretense is a big thing, you know what i mean? you just don't bring your ego in. a lot of people do this compensatory thing where they're yelling and all that. none of those guys i've worked with have any pretense whatsoever. another thing is like -- i can't -- can i say the f-word? no. >> jimmy: yes, you can. >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ] with your actors is a good thing. and i didn't realize that. so ethan did this one thing. i was doing "no country." i was opening up the satchel and look at the money. i look at the dead guy next to me.

i don't say anything. i asked joel and ethan, "do you think i should say something?" "like what?" i don't know, "huh," something like that. they go, "do you have anything else?" [ laughter ] and i go -- like -- hm. [ laughter ] and they go -- "anything else?" so i came up with four or five things. and they said, "go with the second one." and i don't trust them at all. but i did it. and then we saw the movie before it came out, we saw five different screenings in different places, and every time we screened the movie and that moment came up, i knew where ethan was in the theater because he started cracking up. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's really -- that's very good advice. it's great to see you. >> thanks, man. >> jimmy: "outer range" season two premieres may 16th on prime video. t to severe ulcerative colitise video. josh brolin, everybody. if you e or crohn's disease... put it in check with rinvoq... a once—daily pill. when symptoms tried to take control,

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>> jimmy: hi, there. music from sarah mclachlan is on the way. this weekend, our next guest

roasted the bejesus out of tom brady on netflix. next weekend, she has a new comedy special on hbo and max, "nikki glaser: someday you'll die" premieres saturday. please welcome nikki glaser. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: great to see you. >> good to see you. >> jimmy: you were fantastic on sunday night. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: really did such a great job. >> you emailed me, and that meant so much to me, you reaching out. >> jimmy: my wife and i were watching. man, your jokes are very precise. >> thank you. >> jimmy: just so good, one after the other, you just killed it, you were really, really great. [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks, i worked really hard. >> jimmy: did you meet josh brolin backstage? >> i just saw him in passing. i actually had a moment with him earlier this week that he doesn't know about. people kept sending me this picture he had posted on

instagram of him and his wife, and it looked identical to me. people were saying, "congratulations on your relationship with josh role lin, seems to be going great." i've never been kissed with that passion in my life. [ laughter ] this is the kind of couple where you're just like, i don't know if i'll ever experience that kind of love. i'm sure she was just saying good-bye as he went to the car to get the phone charger they left. this is a couple that loves themselves in that way. they invite annie leibovitz over before he goes to whole foods. >> jimmy: i hope that was annie leibovitz. otherwise, we have to imagine josh going like this while they're kissing. oh, yeah, it does look like you. >> i needed this. she's gorgeous, and i needed that. it was a nice thing to start with, because the rest of the roast, i got called some pretty awful things. it makes you question your life and your looks and all. >> jimmy: does it, though? >> it does sink in. you've done the roasts, does it sink in for you? >> jimmy: no. a little bit, i guess. i feel you get the dumbest jokes about you. it's all about your sex life.

the whole thing is about your sex life. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's like, all right, you know, it's very -- seems very outdated, doesn't it? >> yes, it does. and it's nice because you go, they're not coming after anything else. i'm one of the only women on here. i was one of two women on the dais. backstage, our room, literally everyone's rooms have their name on them, ours said "female" on it. [ laughter ] i literally think it was just the bathroom. they were like, that's fine, "women," yeah. it was an intimidating thing to walk into. yeah, i went after -- i kind of fed into that, you know, throwing myself at tom brady during my set. >> jimmy: yeah, but i don't think you can help but throw yourself at tom brady. when tom brady was here, i was throwing myself at tom brady. [ laughter ] >> it's insane to look at. >> jimmy: it is. >> he's unreal. one of my jokes i was going to say, he's like a.i. but without the intelligence. [ laugher and applause ] i do think he's smart, though, so i pulled it last minute.

there are a lot of things that you go, oh, man. >> jimmy: what else didn't you say about tom? >> one of the moments, oh, we can go there. he went after -- he did a joke about kim kardashian. >> jimmy: yes. >> which i thought was off limits. she's here, she takes enough of being -- she's not on the stage. then he had a joke about, you know, are you more scared about the jokes or the fact that your kids are with kanye right now? a great joke. and i was like, i didn't even know we could go there. because i was like, i'm not going to do any jokes related to the -- like his kids. >> jimmy: yeah. >> especially the kiss moment that i didn't think was weird. my dad kissed me on the lips when i was a kid, well into my 20s. >> jimmy: my dad still kisses me on the lips. >> he does? >> jimmy: yes. >> i put an end to mine because i was like, i can't. i'm like, things are getting -- wires are getting crossed and i can't do it anymore. he was very sad because it's not a creepy thing at all. he's like, we kiss in this family. i'm like, i understand, but why don't you and mom ever do this, then? [ laughter ] it's all on me. do we really kiss in this

family? [ applause ] >> jimmy: dad and mom happen to be in the audience. >> he loved it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was a cop-out. kiss like the brolins, come on. [ laughter and applause ] >> do it, come on, yeah! they never do it. >> jimmy: i'm realizing this is not your dad's fault. it seems to be your mom. >> she's a little frigid, yes, yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you posted a video of your mom, i noted, on your instagram. >> yes, at the after party. >> jimmy: this is the after party. i bet there's some kissing going on there, huh? >> right? now we see where i get it. i got first voted off "dancing with the stars," and we see why. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: mom and a little debarge there at the party. did your parents meet any

celebrities? >> unfortunately, they did. [ laughter ] my mom tied one on a little bit were there she was having fun. we ran into tom brady on the way out. i was backstage, going to my dressing room after the show. and i said a quick hello. and they're right behind me. and i'm thinking, they know the rules, just keep walking. i'm barely -- i'm like, sorry i exist, tom. you know, and run past. then i hear, "i'm nikki's mom." like, she was more -- he would be impressed by that. he's like, "i just learned your daughter's name, i'm going to forget it before i get to the car, i don't care." she's like, "wasn't she great?" he had to then go, "yes, she was so --" my mom had a lot of those moments. "kevin, you've got it!" [ laughter ] "i think you're going to be big!" i go, he's never going to be big. "i've never seen him before." "all you watch is dr. phil and below deck, kevin isn't on those things." [ laughter ] she was having fun. there was a lot of those moments. >> jimmy: you have this big hbo special coming up this weekend.

>> yes. >> jimmy: great timing. [ cheers and applause ] >> totally coincidental. >> jimmy: did you plan that? you're like, here's what i'm going to do, murder on the roast one weekend and then that will help me promote my special the next? >> no, it was totally coincidental. it's all feeding into itself. it's really like, if you want to see an exare extension -- see my roast myself, tune into the special. i turn it on myself in this. the same kind of fierceness, the well-written jokes, i hope. and honesty. that's what it's about. these roasts are all about what's the most true then i can say about this person? that's kind of what the special is about. it's dark. i filmed it in seattle. i knew they would understand the thoughts of suicide that i sometimes have. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it is one of the -- yeah, per capita. >> they got it. >> jimmy: i think they're just behind vegas in that respect, yeah. >> and dentists. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and dentists, a lot of the dentists in seattle. is they why everyone's teeth are so beautiful up there. you did it in seattle, and the title is? >> "someday you'll die." it's just a reflection on how

that is something that is a terrifying thought, like sometimes i just remember, like, i have to die someday. it can hit you. like aww, dammit! like when you remember you have to get your real i.d. at some point. it's like, oh, what that is going to be? i don't know how that works. and then sometimes, as a person that suffers depression, it's a nice thought. it can be both to me. i suffer with depression and i'm always looking for new cures to turn to. and according to my friends without depression, it's, make your bed every morning. [ laughter ] i have to give that one a whirl. >> jimmy: do you do that? >> no, because i'm still in it at 2:00 p.m. when i'm depressed. [ laughter ] it's hard to make on it top of yourself. >> jimmy: it is hard for a comedian to make their bed in the morning or to do anything at all. did you make it right before lunch? >> i don't make it at all, and i think that is something that would help my self-esteem. >> jimmy: i think so, too. >> tidy up around myself, i'm kind of a mess, yeah. >> jimmy: i think it would be nice if your mom stopped by the house and made your bed. >> you know what, mom, there's something you can do.

[ laughter ] you did it for me as a kid every day. that's why i don't do it now, who's to do it? >> jimmy: in your spare time when you're not making out with dad. [ laughter ] all right, well, congratulations. what a big week. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: the roast on sunday, "nikki glaser: someday you'll die" premieres saturday night at 10:00 on hbo and max. nicki glazer, everybody! we'll be back with sarah mclachlan. >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by tequila don julio, an icon of modern mexico.

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>> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by tequila don julio, an icon of modern mexico. >> jimmy: thanks to josh brolin and nikki glaser. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next, but first, her "fumbling towards ecstasy 30th anniversary tour" starts may 23rd in vancouver. here with the song "possession," sarah mclachlan. ♪ ♪

♪ listen as the wind blows from across the great divide ♪ ♪ voices trapped in yearning memories trapped in time the night is my companion and solitude ♪ ♪ my guide would i spend forever here ♪ ♪ and not be satisfied and i would be the one ♪ ♪ to hold you down kiss you so hard i'll take your ♪ ♪ breath away and after i wipe away the tears ♪ ♪ just close your eyes dear

through this ♪ ♪ world i stumble so many times betrayed ♪ ♪ trying to find an honest word to find the ♪ ♪ truth enslaved oh you speak to me in riddles ♪ ♪ and you speak to me in rhymes my body aches to ♪ ♪ breathe your breath your words keep me alive ♪ ♪ and i would be the one to hold you down ♪ ♪ kiss you so hard i'll take your breath away ♪ ♪ and after i wipe away the tears just close your eyes ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ into this night i wander it's morning that i dread another day of knowing of ♪ ♪ the path i fear to tread oh into the sea of waking dreams ♪ ♪ i follow without pride it's nothing stands between us here ♪ ♪ and i won't be denied and i

would be the one to hold you down ♪ ♪ kiss you so hard i'll take your breath away ♪ ♪ and after i wipe away the tears ♪ ♪ just close your eyes ♪ [ cheers and applause ] this is "nightline." >> juju: tonight, the elusive search for the fountain of youth. >> i am planning to live to at least 108 years old. >> the bio hacking fad using fitness modification, supplements, and costing lots of money. >> i spent $2 million on upgrading my own biology and counting. >> juju: to try to live longer,