skyrizi is the first il-23 inhibitor that can deliver remission and visibly improve damage of the intestinal lining. serious allergic reactions and an increased risk of infections or a lower ability to fight them may occur. tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms, had a vaccine or plan to. liver problems may occur in crohn's disease. control of crohn's means everything to me. ask your gastroenterologist about skyrizi. ♪ control is everything to me. ♪ learn how abbvie could help you save.

ok, 500 deluxe garden gnomes. wow. i only meant to order five. there's not enough money in my account for these. i'm gonna get charged. two things i just can't deal with. overdraft charges. and garden gnomes. but your bmo smart advantage checking account gives you an extra day to avoid an overdraft fee. nice to see a bank cutting people some slack. mistakes happen. and we give you time to correct them. so, you don't like gnomes huh? what about that one? that one i like. a lot. ♪ bmo ♪

newscasts live and on demand through the abc seven bay area connected tv app. it's available for apple tv, google tv, amazon fire tv, and roku, as well. download the app now and you can start streaming. we'll see you there. well, that is our report. thanks so much for joining us tonight. we appreciate your

time. i'm dan ashley for sandhya patel larry beil right now on jimmy kimmel. it's guest host kumail nanjiani. enjoy the show and we'll see you tomorrow. good night kimmel live! >> with guest host kumail nanjiani. >> tonight, nikki glaser, paul scheer. and music from martin laferté with cleto and the cletones. and now kumail nanjiani. thank you. thank you. jimmy kimmel live! i am your guest host. kumail nanjiani.

>> thank you for coming. this is my first time ever hosting a late night talk show. never done one before. i am so excited to be here. what a super chill time to be doing a topical monologue on national television. just sharing your personal opinions with millions of people. i feel like right now i could come out in favor of ranch dressing, and it would still end my career this is a big night for abc, and not just because i'm hosting kimmel. tonight was the espys an event i know literally nothing about. but what i do know is that every year they shamefully overlook my favorite sport, cricket. they do? yeah no cricket fans in the house. if you are not familiar with the rules of cricket, it's a lot like baseball. except do we have three hours? no. all right.

we'll have anthony anderson do it next week. now cricket is an awesome game. plus all the lingo sounds like it could be a sex act. okay, these are all real. i did not make these up. i'm going to read them a bunch. they're all real. beat the bat. block. whole ball tampering. point of release. donkey drop. molly grubber. nip backer. red cherry rib tickler. sticky dog. sticky wicket. and finally, the corridor of uncertainty. also known as the taint. happens to be july 11th, 711 aka free slurpee day. special day for you, right, guillermo? >> that's right. >> yeah. you love slurpees? >> i do a lot. >> what's your favorite flavor? >> the blue one. >> the blue one? yeah. sounds like a fan. can't name it. but

love em. i love slurpees, too, because, you know, it lets you pull the levers and make the flavors yourself. like, what am i, a little scientist? it's exciting. finally, my parents will be proud of me. okay. all right, calm down. serious question. serious questions. should humans be ingesting something with the word slur and pee in the name? but the biggest gulp of the day was the one every white house aide took during president biden's high stakes press conference tonight. yeah. biden spoke to reporters at the nato summit in washington, d.c. and here's how it went. >> i got hairy legs that turn that, that, that, that that that turn, blond in the sun >> okay. that wasn't from this press conference, but it was from another press conference. so biden's conference today was

a big deal because it was unscripted, like the whole country got invited to our grandpa's level one improv clas. whenever biden speaks, it's like i'm a stage mom. at her six year old's commercial audition, watching from the sidelines like, come on, honey, you got this. we need you to land this job so we can keep our health insurance and keep my family out of concentration camps. yeah okay now, i know that as the host of a late night talk show, it is my duty to weigh in on the politics of the day. so i'm just going to get this out of the way real quick. here is my official statement on the situation regarding joe biden. joe biden is old, older than most people, but not everyone. is he too old to be president? who's to say certainly not me. the people who

want biden to step aside may be right, and the people who want him to stay in the race may also be right. nobody is wrong. and please don't be mad at me have a very specific last name and a lot of relatives in this country. but if you do want to be mad at me, please post about it on twitter using my personal handle at jimmy kimmel pressure is ramping up on president biden. you probably saw that george clooney published an op ed in the new york times yesterday that said he loves the president, but thinks biden should step aside a lot of people are upset with george clooney, including the former host of the apprentice, who wrote he wrote. so now fake

movie actor george clooney, who never came close to making a great movie, is getting into the act, blah blah, blah. clooney should get out of politics and go back to television. movies never really worked for him. i'm sorry. what movies never worked out for george clooney? the world famous mega movie star? his movies have made more than $3.5 billion at the box office. you know? yeah, it's amazing. you know who movies never worked out for? donald trump? yeah man who somehow blew a one second cameo in home alone two. trump. trump. also, the bed so badly in the 1994 little rascals movie in the role of waldo's dad

that this is the first time you're hearing of it. that's right. he killed the little rascals franchise like it knew the details of its relationship with jeffrey epstein of course, the big difference between george clooney and donald trump is that george clooney actually made money from a casino. yeah crazy. the election of 2024 could be decided by the sexiest man alive of 1997. speaking of sexy and alive, does the mature lady down south who trump and biden could both learn a thing or two from an alabama woman celebrating a major milestone of a birthday? >> helen denmark, from birmingham, turned 108 years old this week. helen says she feels no different than when she was

107, who am i to? >> all right, i'll be here when i'm 110, helen says. >> she stays young by drinking wine, eating dessert and flirting with men with mustaches. >> kiama, we just booked you a one way ticket to birmingham, my friend. let's go. yeah >> you're. >> you're carbo loading for your adventure right now. sorry we couldn't get you a blue one. it's okay, it's okay. >> i like this one, too. yeah >> what flavor is that? >> strawberry. i think. okay i think i love the i think, yeah, but blue still tastes just like blue to you. >> yes. perfect we have a great show for you tonight. maybe even a good one. two of

friends, nikki glaser and paul scheer, are here. very lucky. oh, this is something that all comedians should be concerned about. according to a study from the university of southern california, 70% of people rated jokes written by chatgpt as funnier than those written by regular people. yeah, i mean, i kind of believe it. i can think of 50 people off the top of my head who aren't as funny as a robot, and some of them have netflix specials. one of them is even a guest here tonight. i'm joking, i'm joking, i'm joking, i'm joking. >> no, no, no, i'm joking. >> everyone's. i love everyone in the whole world. look i might be capable of writing jokes, but only a comedian can cry in their used kia sportage. full of unsold merch. after a disastrous set at flappers in burbank. they will never take that job away from us.

a robot that can't even solve a captcha expect to do stand up? what would their jokes be about? you ever notice how it's hard to identify what is the bicycle and what is not? take my wi-fi please. while we're on subject of intelligence, this is why i wanted to host a late night show. the segways are always great. a few months ago, i had the great honor of giving the commencement speech to cornell's graduating class of 2024. i did, yeah why they asked me. i did not go to cornell. past speakers have included presidents biden and clinton, maya angelou and me, the guy from hot tub time machine two. and while i gave an amazing, groundbreaking, some

are saying life altering speech, i had to hold back, i did. i was speaking to these fresh faced graduates. i sugar coated things, you know, because i couldn't think they could handle the harsh truths of the world. but i can tell you're all a bunch of salty dogs, so i thought you might like to hear my unedited graduation speech. what do you guys think? all right, let's do it, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your commencement speaker for the class of 2024, kumail nanjiani >> hello, class of 2024. >> and congratulations. not for graduating, but for being young. you've got about three years left where you can eat jalapeno poppers for every meal without dying. enjoy them while you can. also, you know how your whole life teachers have been telling you that children are the future. they should have been more specific. you were not the children they were referring to. those kids are all in india and

china, so don't worry about it. i'll never forget the day i got my first bicycle. i stole it from a kid up the street named otis because i was bigger than him. i still have it. you, otis. otis is actually here in the audience tonight. hey, otis. you buddy have fun walking everywhere. you know those silica packets and shoe boxes that say toxic? do not eat. that's a lie. they're delicious. i just ate a handful before i came out here, and i feel amazing. but enough bad news. here is the good news. between global warming, looming nuclear war and microplastics, none of you have to save for retirement. that doesn't mean i don't have advice for your meaningless lives. i do. tip number one never give you a real first name

to a drug dealer. to this day, my coke guy still knows me as warren. the other day he was like, hey warren, did i see you in a marvel movie? great guy, really great coke. tip number two. tip number two. when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. but don't put caffeine in that lemonade. panera did it, and it killed a bunch of people number three make mistakes. i've made my share. but in fairness, i was just trying to tour the capitol on january sixth. classic. wrong place, wrong time, guys. sorry excuse me a moment. i'm a little hungry. >> >> they said they were gonna replace it with something edible. but that does not taste sugary. okay where was i?

what they use that stuff. it is very drying. tip tip number four. lean into your strengths. if you're really short, become a real estate agent because all those houses will look way bigger c they don't teach you things like that in school because of woke and finally live to the fullest. when you're on your deathbed, you're never going to say, i spent too much time with family. you're going to say, get that pillow off my face, dad. so good luck out there. and remember, if at first you don't succeed, you can always sell pictures of your feet to. i'm going to be slinging these puppies one?

parking lot right after this. eight bucks if you're nasty. thank you. to infinity and beyond you tonight. >> plaferte. >> and finally, we'll be right back with nikki glaser >> abc's jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by america's best contacts and eyeglasses. >> let's take a little test together. which looks better? this or this? this or clear to me. saving cash wins every time. which is why you'll love the wise buy sales event going on right now at america's best. get two pairs of single vision glasses for just 69.95, or two pairs of progressives for just 129.95. both offers include a comprehensive eye exam. that's

not just a better deal, it's america's best book an exam online today. >> it's time to feed the dogs real food, not highly processed pellets. the farmers dog is fresh food made with whole meat and veggies. it's not dry food. it's not wet food. it's just real food. it's an idea whose time has come. >> sometimes jonah wrestles with falling asleep, so he takes zackquill, the world's number one sleep aid brand, and wakes up feeling like himself. get the rest to be your best. with non-habit forming xecl better days start with zackquill knights. >> oh man, do you stick with plump, juicy raisins or try something deliciously frosted? best to really chew on this one, but maybe not so loudly. more delicious ways to bran. >> you got better things to do than clean out clogged gutters. call leaf filter today and never clean out clogged gutters again. >> leaf filter's technology keeps debris out of your gutters for good. guaranteed. call 833

leaf filter today or visit leaf filter.com. >> design a training program, guys, let's do some trivia. >> oh yes. let's do. i'm gonna win. >> how should i plant this? if my garden doesn't receive direct sunlight? i was right. >> next question. >> it starts with an empty prompt and the most advanced ai at your fingertips. >> i know it's not easy dealing with us. >> we make sure everyone knows that we're important business people and treat our seat like a personal spa. >> snickers i fired sorry beef and i bumbled my way into your car. >> buzz. but this hive isn't big enough for the both of us

oh wow, what a buzz kill. and if you don't have the right auto insurance coverage, paying for this could really sting. so get allstate, save money and be protected from mayhem like me. >> looking for a reason to try the new $5 meal deal at mcdonald's? here's one, 234 and the price makes five. that's everything you get with the new $5 meal deal at mcdonald's. >> gina rodriguez and shaquille

premiere abc thursday, july 18th and stream on hulu >> welcome back to jimmy kimmel live! i'm kumail nanjiani. tonight, a very funny actor, comedian, and author. his new book is called joyful recollections of trauma. paul scheer is with us. then later, a

multi-talented artist. her album auto poetica is out now. music from mon laferte. next week, anthony anderson will be hosting with guests including lisa kudrow, ken jeong, gina rodriguez, meagan good and howie mandel. our first guest tonight is a funny and talented comedian. tickets for her alive and unwell tour are available at nikki glaser.com. please welcome nikki glaser thank you so much for doing this. good at this. what? >> i've never the whole point to where i'm supposed to sit well, is if there was anywhere else. but it's. it was. you're great. even backstage, they were just like. isn't he killing it, josh? the ad just said, isn't he

effing killing it? >> well, i say that they always say that hard. isn't this hard? >> i did it twice. yeah. how was it? it's hard. it's harder than it looks. and it's. it's much smaller than it looks, right? the paycheck, >> well, i mean, the paycheck is small, but i can't believe they give you a car after you do this. oh, you didn't know? oh, yeah. >> it must have gotten lost in the. >> i got a kia sportage for doing this. oh, it's used. >> not a second. >> yeah, that's what comedians should always drive. keeps us grounded. the funniest car. >> yeah, yeah, it's the funniest car. >> thanks so much for doing this. oh my gosh. >> thanks for having. oh my god. you just, you just got back from europe yesterday. >> yeah. yesterday. wow. it's yeah, jet lag is a choice. so i was in europe. that's i was there, i was on break from tour and i was seeing taylor swift. that's what i do. that's what my free time i was following taylor swift around europe. >> there's nothing to do in europe. >> yeah, i saw five shows in ten

days. you saw five? yeah >> so do you. you went to europe to see taylor swift. >> you see her? europe was just like, oh, it happened to be there while she was there, but it was mainly about her. i'm, i'm a huge swiftie, and that's what i do with my free time. like i, when i have weekends off from my own tour, i fly to go see her like i make efforts. i'm like a, you know, a divorced dad doing his best to see his daughter. you know, like, i make an effort, i'll fly in and see you, she has no idea who i am, but i'm just the biggest fan. no, i mean, i'm sure she's probably aware of me because i talk about her all the time, but i. well, i wouldn't be so sure. >> she's very famous. yeah, she may not know, >> i i'm just being serious. >> i actually, you know, i'm a swiftie, too. i you. yeah. i went once like a normal person, and, that's me. >> look at you. i

>> i absolutely loved the show. i mean, the vibe is so good, i get, i get why you go, i can't stop. >> i've seen her 17 times in 15 months, and i have. i know, i know, i'm addicted. it just, it gives me a surge of dopamine that i can't describe. so it's kind of for me. either that or cocaine. and luckily, i can afford both. so i do. >> congratulations. >> it's crazy. i mean, i know it's excessive and i really just don't know how to explain it other than i was when the tour was first announced. i was like, i want to go to every show. but of course i was like, you can't. that's just too much. it'll look weird. and then i remember i was going to go to like 2 or 3, and then my boyfriend was like, you love her so much. you work so hard, you know, i expect you, you should go to every show. you can go to. and of course, and so i did. and it turned out he was cheating on me. so he kind of wanted me out of town, i get it.

but having a boyfriend girlfriend saw taylor swift 17 times in 15 months. >> i'd have a couple of questions too. >> well, having a boyfriend who doesn't love you makes her music sound all all the better. >> so i think that's right. no, not a current. >> well, it's clear it's also like a really long show. >> it is. >> it's like almost sometimes four hours long. and i pride myself on the fact that i have never once gone to the bathroom during a single show. i saw. >> what do you what does that mean? >> in a toilet? i wear a diaper and so i know i really, i hold it, i don't even constantly pooping at every show. >> yeah, but my diapers, it's the cocaine too. yeah so what is your strategy for making sure you don't i for whatever reason, my body is just like you're not going to do that. >> like, right now. like it's probably what her body does during it. i don't think she has time to go. so i kind of like i set my rhythms to hurt. okay. i don't need to say that you're yours. >> and taylor's poop cycles are synced. i wish i could only wish. >> yeah, it's so.

>> if it's 17 shows. yeah, that's how many hours have you spent? >> that's 60 hours. 60 hours that i have watched her. and it's never it's never a dull moment. it really feels like i just i want to keep i'm going to go to more. i mean, this number is going to keep going up because at some point there's going to be a moment where you're like, all right, that was one too many. i thought it might happen, but it hasn't yet. with 17 and i, i just feel like this is a time where i just have to see someone who is one of the best performers who's ever lived. to me, it's like the beatles, and i think i'm going to be a person someday that everyone's going to go like, you saw the beatles, like you saw the beatles live. so i want to just see it as much as possible. it's the thing that makes me happiest in the world and the beatles comparison. sometimes upsets people, especially my dad is like a huge beatles fan. and so he's always like, kind of like, well, it's not the same. she's not the same as the beatles. but then i took him to an air tour in europe and i have a clip of his reaction while he

was there. let's watch it. i want to show it. crying like a baby. >> was that his first? yeah. >> was that his first taylor swift show? >> yeah. that was oh, he was so moved. and i've never seen him cry like that. >> it was. you've never seen your dad cry? like, how does that. let's talk about that. yeah, well, that's why i'm a comedian. yeah. yeah, totally. if our dads cried, we wouldn't be here. >> exactly. yeah. we don't know how to emote. so he. yeah. >> it really is genuinely such a lovely show, i get why he he was crying. it was, it was, it was happy. and also i can't believe and his daughter is dressed like a 14 year old. >> and so that was probably emotional for him too, that see that she hasn't grown up at all. >> well here's an interesting thing. you have seen 60 hours of the show. so they did some research and found out in that time you could have gotten a helicopter pilot's license. >> who needs one? >> watched all five seasons of breaking bad.

>> okay, i do need to do that at some point. yeah, i haven't seen it. >> it's a great show. >> i know i've heard, but i don't like violence. >> and you can poop during it. get cpr certification 30 times. you could have saved so many lives. but this is good too. this is good. >> too good too. yeah. >> do you find yourself having to like, justify to people why you, like, have to. yeah. >> i mean, it's just it's a thing that a lot of people obviously can't afford. and it's like, oh, your privilege is showing if you post about it. i didn't really post about it at first because i was when i did like even going twice. people are like, must be nice. i get those kind of comments and it's like, yeah, it was like it was so nice. i was crow. >> i could see her arm hair. it was amazing. but it's always from like, and i understand that, like i get jealous of people online too and go like, oh, why do they get to do that thing? >> i get it. but i chose to spend my money on this instead of kids. like i don't have kids and kids are so expensive. i've looked up the number when i

decided not to have kids. i was like, i just want to know what i'm saving. and like from the age of 0 to 18, it's a it's about $1 million, $1 million. and most of that is on fortnite in-app purchases. and so i was like, i'm going to go see taylor swift as much as i can. yeah, because i live a modest life. like i don't have a house. i drive a 20 year old car. wait, wait, wait, you could date tobey maguire. it's i buy my bras at target. >> i mean, i don't really, i live modestly, so this is really what i spend my money on. >> yeah. you don't have a house, and you see taylor swift 17 times. do you have a business manager, well, we'll be right back. more with nikki glaser right after this. >> portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by fly me to the moon exclusively in theaters. get your tickets now >> go for launch. i guess i can sell fly me to the moon is a perfect date movie.

>> yes. >> just reminding everybody what we're doing here today. >> it's a soaring success built for the big screen. >> it's not rocket science. >> fly me to the moon, rated pg 13. it's target's circle week, >> what? what we circle. >> she's saying circle week. it's the biggest sale of the season. >> oh, great. does that mean more savings or something? you bet your bottom dollar you bought them. what >> when life spells heartburn, how do you spell relief? rolaids. rolaids dual active formula begins to neutralize acid on contact. rolaids spells relief. >> geico can help when you're locked out with their easy app and 24 seven help dad. >> you don't have to make this so tough on yourself. geico is sending someone to unlock our car right now. >> yeah, but where's the fun in that? ha ha. >> whatever you need, get more with geico. >> here are your keys. >> want a next level clean swish with the whoa of listerine? it

kills 99.9% of bad breath germs for five times more cleaning power than brushing and flossing alone. get a next level clean with listerine. feel the whoa. >> this is the have you always had trouble losing weight and keeping it off? same.

discover the power of wegovy®. ♪ ♪ with wegovy®, i lost 35 pounds. and some lost over 46 pounds. ♪ ♪ and i'm keeping the weight off. wegovy® helps you lose weight and keep it off. i'm reducing my risk. wegovy® is the only fda-approved weight-management medicine that's proven to reduce risk of major cardiovascular events in adults with known heart disease and with either obesity or overweight. wegovy® shouldn't be used with semaglutide or glp-1 medicines. don't take wegovy® if you or your family had medullary thyroid cancer, multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if allergic to it. stop wegovy® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, or an allergic reaction. serious side effects may happen, including pancreatitis and gallbladder problems. wegovy® may cause low blood sugar in people with diabetes, especially if you take medicines to treat diabetes. tell your provider about vision problems or changes, or if you feel your heart racing while at rest.

depression or thoughts of suicide may occur. call your provider right away if you have any mental changes. common side effects like nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea may lead to dehydration, which may cause kidney problems. with wegovy®, i'm losing weight, i'm keeping it off. and i'm lowering my cv risk. that's the power of we. ♪ ♪ check your cost and coverage before talking to your health care professional about wegovy®.

on. >> sunday night, sunday night. know. welcome back. >> i'm here with nikki glaser. yes. okay that will be her. that was not taylor swift. no, that was nikki glaser. >> that was me. >> you made a song. >> i made a song. it's called someday you'll die. it's about joe biden, and it's, >> what's happening? i haven't been listening to the news. please go into detail. it's. >> i wrote a song. yeah, i had i had a special on hbo. that or on max. i'm sorry. that's out now.

it's called someday you'll die. and we were like, editing it and like, oh, what song do you want to use for the credits? and i it's like a lot of money to buy a song. and we were way over budget. >> and you spend all your money on taylor swift? yeah, exactly. >> so i was like, i'll write a song. and it ended up being really good and it's available wherever you want to stream songs. it's called someday you'll die, and i just, i love, i love performing music. i love doing stand up comedy. but like, performing music is what i really want to do. like, wait, really? >> so you you're a tremendously successful stand up, but you're like, i want to, i don't care. i want to do the other thing. >> i want to do them both. but like, i really i've always wanted to be a singer songwriter. and it was like, i just got some bad advice early on when i was trying to be a singer, like in high school, i had a music teacher that told my mom, like, she doesn't have it, and that's not advice i know. well that's that's called an insult. >> i think she was talking about. >> i didn't have it like the payment for the lesson, maybe. but, you know, it only takes one

person to be like, you've got it. and then you're like, i have it. so i just. i don't know. have you ever desired to, like, do other things than than, i mean, obviously than comedy, like, you wrote a movie that was very touching. don't you want to, like, touch people in a way like comedy? so it's i want to touch people. yeah. you've always touched people. >> i remember from the age of 11 or 12, i wanted to touch people. my parents are going to watch this. >> what am i doing? >> it's okay. no i do, i really. when i was a little kid, i wanted to be an artist. and i worked really, really, really hard at it. and there was a teacher who really encouraged me, but i was very bad. and one time she saw what i had made next to like the girl i had a huge crush on, and they both laughed and they didn't mean to. it was so natural and i haven't drawn since then and i it's. >> is that true? >> it's 100% true. >> no, you would be so good. >> but like, look what we got out of you now, though because of that. >> like, it all worked out. >> thank you. but that's so

true. everyone be nice to kids. you're so wonderful. >> thank you. >> yeah, totally. >> it just takes one person to be like, you've got it. like, honestly, i think i do stand up comedy because i did it one time and one person after the show was like, you've got it. and that's all i needed to go. i'm going to keep going. like, i, i kind of sucked the first time i did it. everyone does. and so it's just a lesson to me. i just encourage my niece and nephew are terrible at everything they do. and i go, no, you're amazing at this because i want them to believe in themselves. >> what if what if they watch this? nikki. >> oh, i forgot about that. >> well, but you also need the spite as an engine. i think that's a good engine. >> yes, that's a good point. that's true what you're saying. >> because there was one person my. i had a philosophy adviser who recently passed away, and she was the one who was like, you have to be a comedian. otherwise you're going to be unhappy for your whole life. and she bullied me into it. so i'm very grateful. >> and she didn't realize as a comedian, you're unhappy your whole life too, but you just make money being unhappy. >> well, that's better than i'm being unhappy and broke. no

thank you. nikki. tickets for the nikki glaser alive and unwell tour are available at nikki glaser.com. >> we'll be right back with paul scheer. >> hey, bro. >> cool. legwarmers >> thanks. they're just for the bus ride to work. they're not part of the official uniform. no tunes today? no, my apartment was robbed last night. took my cable ready tv, vcr, portable cassette player. >> yep. all the latest tech. >> if only progressive had renters insurance like their home insurance. then we could bundle our cars and get the same 24 over seven protection. >> i think we just invented that? this is the best day ever. >> well, i still got robbed. >> it's so pretty. good day on your period. >> sudden gushes happen. say goodbye. gush fears. thanks to all these ultra fans with rapid, dry technology that absorbs two times faster. hello clean and comfortable. always fear no gus. >> i told myself i was okay with

my moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis symptoms with my psoriatic arthritis symptoms, but just okay isn't okay. and i was done suddenly. >> if you still have symptoms after a tnf blocker like humira or enbrel, rinvoq is different and may help. rinvoq is a once daily pill that can rapidly relieve joint pain, stiffness, and swelling in ra and psa. relieve fatigue and stop further joint damage, and in psa can leave skin clear or almost clear. >> rinvoq can lower your ability to fight infections, including tb, serious infections and blood clots. some fatal cancers including lymphoma and skin, heart attack, stroke and gi tears occurred. people 50 and older with a heart disease risk factor have an increased risk of death. serious allergic reactions can occur. tell your doctor if you are or may become pregnant. >> don't settling. >> ask your rheumatologist for rinvoq and take back what's yours. abbvie could help you save. it's hard to run a business on your own.

>> make it easier on yourself. >> with shopify, you can have your inventory payments and customers in sync across all the places you sell. start your journey with a free trial today >> that looks really high. >> it is high. whenever you're ready, are there any snakes? >> nope. are you sure? >> here we go. it's time to push your limits. okay. you're doing great. >> whoa! is that a buffalo? >> that's a cow. >> the subaru crosstrek wilderness adventure on the edg. >> what is circle? circle is the fuel you need to take flight. >> circle is the energy that gets you to the next level. circle is what you hope for when life tosses lemons your way. circle available at walmart and drink. circle com. >> is it menopause or something

else? the menopause journey has stages. learn about yours with clearblue menopause stage indicator that tracks your fsh hormone levels. combining them with your cycle data. what's your menopause stage? >> oh no. >> running low with chewy. always keep their bowl full. >> save 35% on your first auto ship order. get the food they love delivered again and again. >> which looks better this or this seems clear to me. if you love to save, check out the why's by sales event going on right now at america's best. get two pairs of progressives for just 129 .95 offer. includes a comprehensive eye exam book an exam online today. >> this will be a gold mine of local. >> so tell us about this corn festival. oh, you got your corn pudding. so is it safe around here? sometimes. no eyebrows. >> think of how light it'll feel in the summer. we gotta run 11,000 more neighborhoods to go bingo. >> homes.com looking for a reason to try the new $5 meal

deal at mcdonald's. here's one, two, three, four. and the price makes five. that's everything you get with the new $5 meal deal at mcdonald's. i'm in australia when the guys get roasted on the barbie, you look like the budget. >> pete davidson can lob. >> still get blooming. >> hey, let me talk to you for a second. >> i'm here for someone who is willing to put me in front of the drama. i'm gonna love. >> this is lucky 13. i'm feeling lucky 13 questions are all that stand between tonight's contestants and up to $1 million. >> gina rodriguez and shaquille

anything like that. i'm up for the. >> next week on jimmy kimmel live! guest host anthony anderson with ken jones, gina rodriguez, howie mandel and lisa kudrow. plus music from pepe aguilar, role model remi wolf

and the decemberists >> i've got to run to keep from harm, and i'm bound to keep on ride. i've got one more silver dollar, but i'm not gonna let him catch me. no, i'm gonna let him catch the midnight rider >> let's see what we got in this fridge. >> what's a recipe? using what i have in my fridge. >> guys, let's do some trivia. >> oh, yes, let's do that. yeah >> summarize this. >> it starts with an empty prompt. i was okay the next question and the most advanced ai at your fingertips

>> frosted flakes, good burger great great great. right. >> there's still great grandpa. >> see, i told you they're going >> fast. it's target's circle. wait. >> i'm sorry. it's. what week? target >> circle week. what'd she say? >> i think she said circle. >> not following. >> what week? >> circle week. >> she's saying circle week. >> it's the biggest sale of the season. >> oh, great. >> does that mean more savings or something? >> you bet. your bottom dollar. >> your bottom. what >> looking for a reason to try the new $5 meal deal at mcdonald's? here's one, two, three, four. and the price makes

five. that's everything you get with the new $5 meal deal at mcdonald's to help protect from hiv. >> i prep without pills. >> with apretude a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv. without daily prep pills with one shot every other month, just six times a year in studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. you must be hiv negative to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. practice safer sex to reduce your risk. don't take apretude if you're allergic to it or taking certain medicines as they may interact. tell your doctor if you've had liver or kidney problems or mental health concerns. if you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. some of the most common side effects include injection site reactions and headache. you must receive apretude as scheduled. ask your

doctor about long acting apretude and prep without pills. save at apretude. com to the right now is the gps playing the cha cha cha? >> geico can help when you get a flat tire with their easy app and 24 over seven help. >> everybody clap your hands. >> whatever you need from coverage to service, get more with geico. >> your gut is like a garden growing both good bacteria and bad. >> that balance is key to a healthy gut environment. benefiber plant based prebiotic fiber gently nourishes the good bacteria, working with your body to help your gut. and you flourish effortlessly every day. grow what feels good with benefiber critics are falling in love with fly me to the moon. >> we're working together now. >> don't want you to think that i was interested. >> scarlett and channing have chemistry to the moon and back. >> i bet your eyes are closed. >> so fly me to the moon. rated pg 13. >> no matter what kind of teeth you got, a brush? >> oral-b electric cleans better with one simple touch. >> oral-b's dentist inspired round brush head hugs them, cleans them, and gets in between

them for 100% cleaner teeth. >> your perfect clean starts with oral-b twice thursday, july 18th on abc and stream on hulu. >> and press your luck! we make dreams come true. it's such a blessing. new season, new chances to win a million. >> each. can you have a problem? get out of here. >> press your luck. thursday, july 18th on abc and stream on hulu.

the first is on the way. >> our next guest is another very funny person, and the author of one of this year's most delightful books about devastating childhood experiences. his best selling memoir is joyful recollections of trauma. please welcome paul scheer paul, when's your pop song coming out? >> very soon. i mean, it's emotional. it's, you know, it's. well, give us a pepsi. >> give us a taste. >> yeah, it's a little bit like this. so it's like you don't call me anymore. and when you do, you're asking me for money. >> that is very moving. we've known each other a very long

time. i knew you before you were a best selling author, paul. wow, wow, how cool is that? >> i got on the new york times best seller list. hell yeah. yeah you did. i was i was very i mean, it's exciting. it feels like one of those things, like, like, oh, i don't care about it. it's no big deal. i wanted the work. but then when you get it, you're like, oh, whoa, this is cool. like, you know, to be a new york times best seller. and everyone's like, oh, they'll put that on your gravestone. which is a bummer to think about in the grand scheme of things, because people are already killing me off, yeah. >> and they're saying you're not going to like, do other things. >> opener for taylor swift, father of two and new york times best seller. yeah. the, but it was kind of crazy because there was a few hours before i could, like, announce that i was a new york times best. but you knew i knew, i was told, and they said, all right, at 6:00 tonight, it will go live on the website. but you have to keep it quiet. >> who tells you like statue of

liberty calls you. what happened? yes. >> statue of liberty called me up. weird voice. hi. >> it's me. i got to be quick because i got to hold up this torch again. anyway so tell me. >> and i was like, oh, i'm alone in a hotel room because i'm on tour with the book, and i figured, you know what i'll do? i'll announce it to the crowd. i'm doing this, like, big event in chicago. i was like, i'm going to tell the crowd, oh, so it's going to be really good. and i go out on stage and i got this little secret and i'm like, oh, but i got to have somebody tape it. and i don't know anyone there. so i take out my phone and i go, sir, can you hold this for a second and just hit record and i have something it'll all make sense in just do a random guy in the audience. nice guy. i looked at the audience and i picked somebody. i was like, yeah, yeah, you can do it. like, he looked like he could hold a camera. >> that bar is so low, very low. >> but. so i gave it to him and i'm like, you got it? i was like recording. yes. and i kind of give this like, very heartfelt and true speech. i was like,

this is amazing. it's because of you. all these people who bought this book, who supported it. the crowd goes nuts. they're going nuts. and i kind of want to tell you right now, first, people know i am a new york times best selling author. crowd goes crazy. i'm like, yeah, that's why you're taping it. and i get it back. and he didn't tape it. oh did he forget? i think he got nervous. i think he just didn't know how to hit that record button. i misjudged him, i mean, i thought he could. maybe i just saw that he could hold a camera. yeah. he couldn't actually hit the button the next step, you got to be able to do that. so then i was like, oh no, i think i got to do this again. i was like, sir, can you hold the camera? i'm going to hit record. and i gave it back to him, and then i had to do it again. but then i felt weird about it because i was like trying to be heartfelt again, and i felt really icky, like. and it's because of you. and i couldn't have done this. and i'm announcing it for the first time. but then the audience got into it because they knew it was going to be announced, and then it was too much. i was like, yeah. and i was like, all right, you gotta do it one more time. we got to take it down. let's just take it down to make it

normal, because it seemed too much. >> you did it three times, did it three times. >> third time's a charm. >> is that the one you posted? >> that's the one i posted. >> did you say this is lies or was it real? >> i was like, this is the third take. but like all good actors, i think daniel day-lewis does three takes always. >> yeah, that's what i've heard. that's what i've heard you. i hear you, actually. you've been going around signing books and doing all that. how's that? >> well, here's the thing. i know that a lot of people get their books on amazon, which is great, but i was like, i want to take it to the people. i want to sign books in airports. there's all those airport bookstores get me in that. and i told my publishers, i'm like, can we go to an airport? and they're like, what? i'm like, you know, the bookstores in the airport? and they're like, no, you don't want to do that. that would be bad. and i'm like, no, i think it'll be really good and no one would help me. so then i just went online to hudson news.com and they have like a contact us button. and i was like contact. i was like, hi, i wrote a book. can i sign it in your store and be like, really? and i was like,

yeah. and like so like yeah, come. so i went to jfk. i had to bring my own books because they didn't have them in stock. perfect and by the way, i was like, hey everybody, i'm at jfk in terminal three. >> so do you have to like, go through security? you send all your books through security? >> my books went through security. >> they have questions. >> well, i mean, they didn't read the book, so they don't have that many questions. no no, but they, no, they were like, okay, this is weird. i had a chaperon, a chaperon accompanied me throughout the airport. when i went to the bathroom, they stood outside the door, very official. but then they set me up in jfk. but you could only come to the book signing if you had a ticket of course. some people flew in from canada just to come down to, to jfk to meet me at the bookstore. >> how cool is that? that was amazing. >> super an amazing highlight. but that was like just 1 or 2 people. and then there was a lot of time of me just sitting awkwardly in the front of an airport bookstore, and i would

watch people, like, kind of walk by and be like, oh no, is that the dude from the league? is he working in a bookstore now? you know? and i'd be like, come on over, come on over. and they're like, yeah, i think he's trying to convert me to a religion or something. >> will you? you should have made this exact face while you were waiting for it. like next to it. i was like, here, let's do it. do it. yeah oh my god, look at that. imagine seeing that at the airport, >> when i signed in lax, they actually put candid more than one airport. >> i want to go every airport i make. >> i only got two people to say yes to it. in lax, they put candy. >> i don't want to say this. you and nikki are wasting your life. >> no, what it is, is i have two sons that get up at 6 a.m. this is easy. like my day has started. i've already done more by 10 a.m. than most people do all day. yeah. >> okay, so you go to lax. >> i'll go to lax. they put a

little bowl of candy in front of me. you know, to bring people in, you know, you know. so people are like reaching out to have some godiva, you know, and they put godiva for free. >> look at this book. >> new york times best seller. that's a godiva. yeah >> mini mini godiva's. >> mini godiva. >> that's great. >> so they come and people are taking the candy. but then not buying a book. and i felt a little bit weird. i'm like, hey, come on, you can't take the candy and not buy a book. and then, then i would get jealous of other people buying a book like i'd see somebody looking at the wager and i'm like, not that good. hey, don't put down that tom selleck book. this is better. >> there are almost no joyful recollections of trauma in that book. joyful recollections of trauma is available now, and twisters opens in theaters july 19th. >> we'll be right back with mon laferte

concert series is presented by tequila don julio's summer of mexican. >> do you really feel prepared to bring this baby into your world? >> gypsy rose blanchard, after everything she's gone through is now about to become a mother. now, tomorro dave's company just scored the comcast business 5-year price lock guarantee. high five! high five... -i'm on a call. it's 5 years of reliable, gig speed internet... five years of advanced security... five years of a great rate that won't change. yep, dave's feeling it. yes. but it's only for a limited time. five years? -five years. introducing the comcast business 5-year price lock guarantee. powering 5 years of savings.

powering possibilities. >> season premiere abc thursday, july 18th and stream on hulu. >> the jimmy kimmel live! >> concert series is presented by tequila don julio's summer of

mexican. that's all the time we've got. >> thanks for nikki glaser and paul scheer. nightline is next. but first, her album auto poetica is out now here to celebrate the summer of mexicana with the song tenochtitlan. mon laferte. putta sudurgata seven liter.

yet. let per year. the domed aparicio la mina secreta wandavision a $1 madam, a perla por una piedra rojo es mas my noche de la nisman say saudade