and roku. download the app now so you can start streaming. all right, that is it for tonight. thanks for watching. >> i'm ama daetz and i'm dan ashley for spencer kristen, larry peel all of us here. we appreciate your time. hope you have a wonderful weekend. right now on jimmy kimmel nikki >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! with guest host kumail nanjiani. tonight, nikki glaser, paul scheer, and music from mon laferte. with cleto and the cletones. and now, kumail nanjiani! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> kumail: wow, thank you, thank you. wow, thank you. wow, thank you, thank you. welcome to "jimmy kimmel live." i am your guest host, kumail nanjiani. thank you for coming. this is my first time ever hosting a late-night talk show host. [ cheers and applause ] i am so excited to be here. what a super-chill time to be doing a topical monologue on national television. [ laughter ] just sharing your personal opinions with millions of people. i feel like right now i could come out in favor of ranch dressing and it would still end my career. [ laughter ] this is a big night for abc, and not just because i'm hosting "kimmel." [ laughter ] tonight was the espys. an event i know literally nothing about. [ laughter ]

but what i do know is that every year, they shamefully overlook my favorite sport, cricket. [ cheers and applause ] cricket fans in the house. if you are not familiar with the rules of cricket, it's a lot like baseball, except -- do we have three hours? [ laughter ] no? all right, we'll have anthony anderson do it next week. now, cricket is an awesome game. plus all the lingo sounds like it could be a sex act. [ laughter ] okay, these are all real, i did not make these up. i'm going to read them, they're all real. , [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> kumail: also known as the cage. [ laughter ] today also happens to be july

11th, 7/11, aka, free slurpee day. [ cheers and applause ] special day for you, right, guillermo? >> guillermo: that's right, yes. >> kumail: you love slurpees? >> guillermo: i do a lot. >> kumail: what's your favorite flavor? >> guillermo: the blue one. >> kumail: the blue one. sounds like a fan. [ laughter ] can't name it but love them. i love slurpees too. it lets you pull the levers and make the flavors yourself. what am i, a little scientist? exciting. [ laughter ] finally, my parents will be proud of me. [ laughter and applause ] okay, all right, calm down. [ laughter ] serious question. serious questions. should humans be ingesting something with the word "slur" and "pee" in the name? [ laughter ] but the biggest gulp of the day was the one every white house aide took during president biden's high-stakes press conference tonight. yeah, biden spoke to reporters at the nato summit in washington, d.c., and here's how it went.

>> i got hairy legs that turned, that -- that -- that turned -- uh -- blond in the sun. [ laughter ] >> kumail: okay, that wasn't from this press conference. but it was from another press conference. [ laughter ] biden's conference today was a big deal because it was unscripted. like the whole country got invited to our grandpa's level 1 improv class. [ laughter ] whenever biden speaks, it's like i'm a stage mom at her 6-year-old's commercial audition, watching from the sidelines. "come on, honey, you got this! we need you to land this job so we can keep our health insurance and keep my family out of concentration camps!" [ laughter and applause ] yeah. okay. now, i know that as the host of a late-night talk show, it is my duty to weigh in on the politics of the day. so i'm just going to get this out of the way real quick. here is my official statement on the situation regarding joe

biden. joe biden is old. older than most people. but not everyone. [ laughter ] is he too old to be president? who's to say? certainly not me. [ laughter ] the people who want biden to step aside may be right, and the people who want him to stay in the race may also be right. [ laughter ] nobody is wrong, and please don't be mad at me. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i have a very specific last name and a lot of relatives in this country. [ laughter ] but if you do want to be mad at me, please post about it on twitter using my personal handle @jimmykimmel. [ laughter and applause ] the pressure is ramping up on president biden. you probably saw that george clooney published an op-ed in

"the new york times" yesterday that said he loves the president but thinks biden should step aside. a lot of people are upset with george clooney, including the former host of "the apprentice." [ laughter ] he wrote, "so now fake movie actor george clooney, who never came close to making a great movie, is getting into the act, blah, blah, blah. clooney should get out of politics and go back to television. movies never really worked for him." [ laughter ] i'm sorry, what? movies never worked out for george clooney? [ laughter ] the world-famous mega movie star? his movies have made more than $3.5 billion at the box office. [ cheers ] you know -- yeah. he's amazing. [ applause ] you know who movies never worked out for? donald trump. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] yeah. a man who somehow blew a

one-second cameo in "home alone 2." [ laughter ] [ applause ] trump. trump also [ bleep ] the bed so badly in the 1994 "little rascals" movie in the role of waldo's dad that this is the first time you're hearing of it. [ laughter ] that's right. he killed "the little rascals" franchise like it knew the details of his relationship with jeffrey epstein. [ audience moaning and laughing ] [ applause ] of course, the big difference between george clooney and donald trump is that george clooney actually made money from a casino. [ laughter and applause ] yeah. crazy. it's crazy. the election of 2024 could be decided by the sexiest man alive of 1997. [ laughter ]

speaking of sexy and alive, there's a mature lady down south who trump and biden could both learn a thing or two from. >> an alabama woman celebrating a major milestone of a birthday. helen denmark from birmingham turned 108 years old this week. helen says she feels no different than when she was 107. >> well, i feel all right. i'll be here when i'm 110. >> helen says she stays young by drinking wine, eating dessert, and flirting with men with moustaches. [ laughter ] >> kumail: guillermo, we just booked you a one-way ticket to birmingham, my friend. [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: let's go! i'm ready! >> kumail: you're carbo loading for your adventure right now. [ laughter ] sorry we couldn't get you a blue one. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: it's okay. it's okay, i like this one too. >> kumail: yeah? what flavor is that? >> guillermo: it's strawberry, i think. >> kumail: okay. [ laughter ] i think. i love the "i think." >> guillermo: yeah. >> kumail: blue still tastes

just like blue to you? >> guillermo: yes. >> kumail: perfect. [ laughter ] we have a great show for you tonight. maybe even a good one. [ laughter ] two of my funniest friends, nikki glaser and paul scheer, are here. [ cheers and applause ] oh, this is something that all comedians should be concerned about. according to a study from the university of southern california, 70% of people rated jokes written by chat gpt as funnier than those written by regular people. yeah. i mean, i kind of believe it. i can think of 50 people off the top of my head who aren't as funny as a robot, and some of them have netflix specials. [ laughter ] one of them is even a guest here tonight. i'm joking, i'm joking! [ audience moaning ] no, no, i'm joking! everyone's -- i love everyone in the whole world. [ laughter ] look. a.i. might be capable of writing

jokes, but only a comedian can cry in their used kia sportage full of unsold merch after a disastrous set at flappers in burbank. they will never take that job away from us. [ applause ] but seriously, how can a robot that can't even solve a captcha expect to do stand-up? what would their jokes be about? "have you ever noticed it's hard to identify what as bicycle and what is not?" [ laughter ] "take my wi-fi, please." [ laughter ] while we're on the subject of intelligence -- this is why i wanted to host a late-night show, the segues are always great. [ laughter ] a few months ago, i had the great honor of giving the commencement speech to cornell's graduating class of 2024. [ cheers and applause ] i did. i don't know why they asked me. i did not go to cornell. [ laughter ]

past speakers have included presidents biden and clinton, maya angelou, and me, the guy from "hot tub time machine 2." [ laughter ] and while i gave an amazing, ground-breaking, some were saying life-altering speech, i had to hold back. i did. i was speaking to these fresh-faced graduates. i sugarcoated things because i didn't think they could handle the harsh truth of the world. but i can tell you're all a bunch of salty dogs. [ laughter ] so i thought you might like to hear my unedited graduation speech. what do you guys think? [ cheers and applause ] all right, let's do it. ♪ >> lou: ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your commencement speaker for the class of 2024, kumail nanjiani! [ cheers and applause ] >> kumail: hello, class of 2024, and congratulations. not for graduating, but for being young. you've got about three years left where you can eat jalapeno poppers for every meal without dying. enjoy them while you can.

also, you know how your whole life teachers have been telling you that children are the future? they should have been more specific. you are not the children they're referring to. those kids are all in india and china. [ laughter ] so don't worry about it. i'll never forget the day i got my first bicycle. i stole it from a kid up the street named otis, because i was bigger than him. i still have it. [ bleep ] you, otis. [ laughter ] otis is actually here in the audience tonight. [ laughter ] hey, otis, [ bleep ] you, buddy. [ laughter ] have fun walking everywhere. you know those silica packets in shoe boxes that say, "toxic, do not eat." that's a lie. they're delicious. i just ate a handful before i came out here, and i feel amazing. but enough bad news. here is the good news. between global warming, looming nuclear war, and microplastics, none of you have to save for retirement. [ laughter ]

that doesn't mean i don't have advice for your meaningless lives. i do. tip number one. never give your real first name to a drug dealer. to this day, my coke guy still knows me as "warren." [ laughter ] the other day he was like, "hey, warren, did i see you in a marvel movie?" great guy. [ laughter ] really great coke. tip number two. tip number two, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. but don't put caffeine in that lemonade. panera did it, and it killed a bunch of people. [ audience moaning ] tip number three. make mistakes. i've made my share. but in fairness, i was just trying to tour the capitol on january 6th. [ laughter ] classic wrong place, wrong time, guys. sorry. excuse me a moment, i'm a little hungry. [ laughter ] mm! mm!

they said they were going to replace it with something edible, but that does not taste sugary. [ laughter ] okay. where was i? um -- [ laughter ] i see why they use that stuff, it is very drying. [ laughter ] tip number four. lean into your strengths. if you're really short, become a real estate agent, because all those houses will look way bigger. [ laughter ] see? they don't teach you things like that in school because of woke. [ laughter ] and finally, live to the fullest. when you're on your deathbed, you're never going to say, "i spent too much time with family." you're going to say, "get that pillow off my face, dad." [ audience moaning ] good luck out there, and remember, if at first you don't succeed, you can always sell pictures of your feet to perverts. [ laughter ] [ applause ]

i'm going to be slinging these puppies. you want one? [ cheers and applause ] 10 bucks a pop in the parking lot right after this. [ laughter ] 8 bucks if you're nasty. [ laughter ] thank you. to infinity and beyond! [ cheers and applause ] we have a fun show for you tonight. paul scheer is here. we've got music from mon laferte. and finally, we'll be right back with nikki glaser! my moderate to severe plaque psoriasis held me back... now with skyrizi, i'm all in with clearer skin. ♪ things are getting clearer ♪ (♪) ♪ i feel free ♪ (♪) ♪ to bare my skin, yeah that's all me. ♪ ♪ nothing is everything ♪ (♪) with skyrizi, 3 out of 4 people achieved 90%

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rodrigue questions, megan good, and howie mandel. our first guest tonight is a funny and talented comedian. tickets for her "alive and unwell tour" are available at nikkiglaser.com. please welcome nikki glaser! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ thank you so much for doing this. >> you're so good at this. >> kumail: what? >> this is where i'm supposed to sit? you're great. even backstage, they were just like, "isn't he killing it?" the a.d. just said, "isn't he effing killing it?" [ cheers and applause ] >> kumail: they always say that. >> he is. isn't this hard? i did it twice. >> kumail: how was it? >> it's hard, harder than it looks. it's much smaller than it looks, the paycheck. [ laughter ] >> kumail: well, i mean -- the paycheck's small, but i can't believe they give you a car after you do this. [ laughter ] >> oh. >> kumail: you didn't -- oh, yeah. >> must have gotten lost in the mail. >> kumail: i got a kia sportage. [ laughter ]

>> oh ho ho! a second? >> kumail: that's what comedians should always drive. keeps us grounded. >> the funniest car, yeah. >> kumail: it's the funniest car. thanks so much for doing this. >> thanks for having me, yeah. >> kumail: you just got back from europe yesterday? >> yeah, yesterday. >> kumail: wow. >> jet lag's a choice. [ laughter ] so i was in europe. that's -- i was there -- i was on break from tour and i was seeing taylor swift. that's what i do with my free time. [ cheers and applause ] following taylor swift. around europe. >> kumail: there's nothing to do in europe. [ laughter ] >> i saw five shows in ten days. >> kumail: you saw five? >> yeah. >> kumail: do you -- you went to europe to see taylor swift? >> to see her. europe happened to be there while she was there. [ laughter ] it was mainly about her. i'm a huge swiftie, and that's what i do with my free time. when i have weekends off from my own tour, i fly to go see her. i make efforts. i'm like a divorced dad doing

his best to see his daughter. [ laughter ] you know, i make an effort. "i'll fly in and see you." she has no idea who i am, but i'm just the biggest fan. >> kumail: she doesn't? >> i'm sure she's probably aware of me, because i talk about her all the time. i love her. >> kumail: i wouldn't be sure, she's very famous, she may not know. [ laughter ] i'm just being serious. i actually -- you know, i'm a swiftie too. >> are you? >> kumail: yeah, i went once. like a normal person. [ laughter ] that's me. [ cheers and applause ] i absolutely loved the show. >> i mean -- >> kumail: the vibe is so good. >> she's the best. >> kumail: i get why you go. >> i can't stop. i've seen her 17 times in 15 months. i know. i know. i'm addicted. it just -- it gives me a surge of dopamine that i can't describe. it's kind of for me either that or cocaine. and luckily i can afford both. [ laughter ]

>> kumail: congratulations. >> i know it's excessive, and i don't know how to explain it other than, i was -- the tour was first announced, i want to go to every show. of course, you can't, that's too much, it would look weird. i remember i was going to go to two or three. are my boyfriend was like, "you love her so much, you work so hard, i expect you -- you should go to every show you can go to." >> kumail: of course. >> so i did. turned out he was cheating on me so i so he wanted me out of town. [ laughter ] >> kumail: i get it. if i saw taylor swift 17 times in 15 months, i'd have a couple of questions too. >> having a boyfriend who doesn't love you makes her music sound all the better. [ laughter and moans ] >> kumail: i think that's right. >> not current, to be clear. >> kumail: it's also like a really long show. >> it is. it's like almost sometimes four hours long. and i pride myself on the fact that i have never once gone to the bathroom during a single show i saw. >> kumail: what does that mean? >> in a toilet, i wear a diaper. [ laughter ]

no, i really -- i hold it. >> kumail: you're constantly pooping at every show. >> yeah my diaper's -- >> kumail: it's the cocaine. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> kumail: what is your strategy for making sure you don't -- >> i -- for whatever reason, my body is just like, you're not going to do that right now. probably what her body does during it. i don't think she has time to go. i kind of -- i set my rhythms to hers. [ laughter ] i don't need to say that. >> kumail: yours and taylor's poop cycles are synced? >> i wish. i could only wish, yeah. >> kumail: so if it's 17 shows -- >> yeah. >> kumail: that's how many hours have you spent -- >> i think that's 60 hours. >> kumail: 60 hours. >> that i have watched her. it's never a dull moment. it really feels like -- i just -- i want to keep -- i'm going to go to more. this number is going to keep going up. >> kumail: you think at some point there's going to be a moment, all right, that was one too many? >> i thought it might happen but it hasn't yet with 17. i just feel like this is a time where i have to see someone who is one of the best performers who's ever lived.

to me it's like the beatles. and i think i'm going to be a person someday that everyone's going to go, "you saw the beatles live?" i want to see it as much as possible. it's the thing that makes me happiest in the world. the beatles comparison sometimes upsets people. my dad is a huge beatles fan. he's always kind of like, "it's not the same, she's not the same as the beatles." then i took him to an "eras" tour in europe. i have a clip of his reaction while he was there. >> kumail: let's watch it. >> i want to show it. >> kumail: wow. >> crying like a baby. >> kumail: was that his first -- >> yeah. >> kumail: was that his first taylor swift show? >> yeah, that was. >> kumail: oh my -- >> he was so moved. i've never seen him cry like that. >> kumail: you've never seen your dad cry? how is that -- let's talk about that. [ laughter ] >> that's why i'm a comedian. >> kumail: totally. if our dads cried, we wouldn't be here. >> exactly, we don't know how to emote. [ laughter ]

>> kumail: it really is genuinely such a lovely show. i get why he was crying. it was happy and also i can't believe -- >> and his daughter is dressed like a 14-year-old. [ laughter ] and so that probably emotional for him too. seeing that she hasn't grown up at all. >> kumail: well, here's an interesting thing. you have seen 60 hours of the show. >> yeah. >> kumail: so they did some research and found out, in that time, you could have gotten a helicopter pilot's license. [ laughter ] >> no need. >> kumail: watched all five seasons of "breaking bad." >> okay, i do need to do that at some point, i haven't seen it. >> kumail: it's a great show. >> i know, i've heard, but i don't like violence. >> kumail: and you can poop during it. [ laughter ] get cpr certification 30 times. you could have saved so many lives. [ laughter ] this is good too, this is good too. >> this is good too, yeah. >> kumail: do you find yourself having to justify to people why you, like, have to -- >> yeah, it's a thing that a lot of people obviously can't afford. it's like, oh, your privilege is showing if you post about it.

i didn't really post about it at first. when i did, even going twice, people are like, "must be nice." >> kumail: sure. >> i get those kind of comments and it's like, "it was." [ laughter ] "it was so nice, i was front row, i could see her arm hair, it was amazing." i understand that. i get jealous of people online too and go, why do they get to do that thing? i get it. i chose to spend my money on this instead of kids. i don't have kids. [ laughter ] and kids are so expensive. i've looked up the number. when i decided not to have kids i was like, i want to know what i'm saving. from the age of 0 to 18, it's about $1 million. >> kumail: $1 million. >> and most of that is "fortnite" and app purchases. [ laughter ] i was like, i'm going to go see taylor swift as much as i can. >> kumail: yeah. >> because i live a modest life. i don't have a house. i drive a 20-year-old car. i date tobey maguire. [ laughter ] i buy my bras at target. i don't really -- i've lived modestly, so this is really what i spend my money on.

>> kumail: you don't have a house and you've seen taylor swift 17 times. do you have a business manager? [ laughter ] well, we'll be right back. more with nikki glaser right well, we'll be right back. more with nikki glaser right after this. ♪ “billathi askara” by björn jason lindh ♪ [metal creaking] [camera zooming] ♪ [window slamming] woman: [gasps] [dog barking] ♪ woman: [screams] ♪ [explosion] [explosion] ♪ [lock clicks shut] why is special k so special? the multigrain flakes? oh wait i see, it's the real fruit. oh wait wait, can you go back to the berries? mmhmm. special k. special for a reason. geico can help when you're locked out with their easy app

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> kumail: welcome back. i'm here with nikki glaser. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> kumail: that that we heard, that was not taylor swift. >> no. >> kumail: that was nikki glaser. >> that was me. >> kumail: you made a song?

>> i made a song, "someday you'll die." it's about joe biden. [ laughter ] no -- >> kumail: what's happening? i haven't been listening to the news. please go into detail. >> i wrote a song. >> kumail: yeah, that's amazing. >> i had a special on hbo or max, i'm sorry, that's out now, "someday you'll die." we were like editing it and like, oh, what song do you want to use for the credits? it's like a lot of money to buy a song. we were way over budget. >> kumail: you spent all your money on taylor swift tickets. >> exactly. [ laughter ] so i was like, i'll write a song. >> kumail: yeah, that's -- >> it ended up being really good. it's available wherever you want to stream songs. it's called "someday you'll die." i love performing music. i love doing stand-up comedy, but performing music is what i really want to do. >> kumail: wait, really? you're tremendously successful at stand-up, but i don't care, i want to do the other? >> i want to do them both, but kumail, i've always wanted to be a singer/songwriter. >> kumail: really? >> i just got some bad advice early on when i was trying to be a singer in high school.

i had a music teacher that told my mom, "she doesn't have it." >> kumail: that's not advice. >> well. [ laughter ] >> kumail: that's called an insult. >> i think she was talking about i didn't have it, the payment for the lesson, maybe. it only takes one person to be like, you've got it. and i have it. i don't know. have you ever desired to do other things? i mean, obviously, than comedy. you wrote a movie that was really touching. don't you want to touch people in a way? >> kumail: i want to touch people, yeah. [ laughter ] >> you've always touched -- >> kumail: i remember from the age of 11 or 12 of wanting to touch people. [ laughter ] my parents are going to watch this. what am i doing? >> it's okay. >> kumail: no, i do, i really -- when i was a little kid, i wanted to be an artist and i worked really, really, really hard at it. there was a teacher who really encouraged me, but i was very bad. one time she saw what i made next to the girl i had a huge crash on, and they both laughed.

they didn't mean to, it was so natural. i haven't drawn since then. >> is that true? >> kumail: it's 100% true. >> no, you'd be so good. look what we got out of your now. because of that. it all works out. >> kumail: oh, thank you, that's so sweet. [ cheers and applause ] >> everyone be nice to kids. >> kumail: you're so wonderful, thank you. yeah, totally. >> it just takes one person to be like, you've got it. i think i do stand-up comedy because i did it one time and one person after the show was like, "you've got it." that's all i needed to go i'm going to keep going. i sucked the first time i did it, everyone does. it's a lesson to me. my niece and nephew are terrible at everything they do and i go, "no, you're amazing at this." [ laughter ] because i want them to believe in themselves. >> kumail: what if they watch this, nikki? >> oh, i forgot about that. >> kumail: you also need spite as an engine. that's a good engine. >> that's a good point. >> kumail: that's true what you were saying. there was one person -- i had a philosophy adviser who recently passed away.

she was the one who was like, "you have to be a comedian, otherwise you'll be unhappy your whole life." she bullied me into it. i'm very grateful for her. [ laughter ] >> she didn't realize as a comedian you're unhappy your whole life too, you just make money at it. >> kumail: that's better than being unhappy and broke. [ laughter ] thank you, nikki. tickets for "the nikki glaser alive and unwell" tour are available at nikkiglaser.com. we'll be right back with paul scheer! (mom) the moment i loved our subaru outback most... was the moment they walked away from it. (daughter) mom! (mom) oh, thank goodness. and that's why our family will only drive a subaru. (vo) subaru. more iihs top safety pick plus awards than any other brand. love. it's what makes subaru, subaru. i know it's not easy dealing with us.

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> kumail: welcome back. music from mon laferte is on the way. our next guest is another very funny person and the author of one of this year's most delightful books about devastating childhood experiences. his best-selling memoir is "joyful recollections of trauma." please welcome paul scheer! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> kumail: paul, when's your pop song coming out? >> very soon. i mean, it's emotional.

it's, you know -- >> kumail: give us a taste. >> it's a little bit like this. ♪ you don't call me anymore ♪ ♪ and when you do you're asking me for money ♪ [ laughter ] >> kumail: that is very moving. [ laughter ] we've known each other a very long time. >> yes. >> kumail: i knew you before you about why were there a best-selling author. [ cheers and applause ] how cool is that? >> i got on "the new york times" best-seller list. >> kumail: hell, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, you did. >> i was very -- it's exciting. it feels like one of those things, like oh, i don't care about it, it's no big deal, i wanted the work. then when you get it, oh, whoa, this is cool! to be a "new york times" bestseller and everyone's like, "they'll put that on your gravestone." which is a bummer to think about in the grand scheme of things because people are already killing me off. [ laughter ] >> kumail: there's saying you're not going to do other things? >> opener for taylor swift. father of two. and "new york times" bestseller. [ laughter ]

>> kumail: yeah. >> it was kind of crazy. there's a few hours before i could, like, announce that i was a "new york times" bestseller. >> kumail: but you knew? >> i was told. they said, "at 6:00 tonight, it will go live on the website, but you have to keep it quiet." >> kumail: who tells you? the statue of liberty calls you? [ laughter ] >> yes, statue of liberty calls me up, weird voice. "hi, it's me, i've got to be quick. i've got to hold up the torch again. anyway." they tell me. i'm alone in the hotel room, i'm on tour with the book. i figured, i'll announce it to the crowd. i'm doing this big event in chicago. i'm going to tell the crowd, so it's going to be really good. i go out on stage. i've got this little secret. oh, i've got to have somebody tape it. i don't know anyone there. i take out my phone, "sir, can you hold this for a second? hit record. it will all make sense in a second." >> kumail: random guy in the audience. >> nice guy. i looked in the audience and picked somebody, "yeah, you can do it." he looked like he could hold a camera. [ laughter ]

>> kumail: that bar so is low. >> very low. i gave to it him. "recording?" "yes." then i kind of give this very heartfelt and true speech. "this is amazing, it's because of you, all these people who bought this book, supported it." >> kumail: crowd goes nuts. >> "i want to tell you now, i am a "new york times" best-selling author." crowd goes crazy. "yeah, that's why you were taping it." i get it back. he didn't tape it. >> kumail: did he forget? >> i think he got nervous. i think he didn't know how to hit that record button. i misjudged him. [ laughter ] maybe i saw that he could hold a camera, but he couldn't hit the button. >> kumail: the next step, you've got to be able to do that. >> i was like, oh, no, i think i've got to do this again. "sir, can you rehold -- i'm going to hit record." i had to give it back to him. i had to do it again. then i felt weird about it. i was trying to be heartfelt again. really icky. "it's because of you, i couldn't have done this, i'm announcing it for the first time." the audience got into it because

they knew it was going to be announced. then it was too much. like, yeah! all right, we've got to do one more time. [ laughter ] we've got to take it down, let's just take it down to make it normal. because it seemed too much. >> kumail: you did it three times? >> did it three times. third time's a charm. >> kumail: is that the one you posted? >> that's the one i posted. >> kumail: did you say, this is lies? 0 or was it real? >> third take. but like all good actors -- i think daniel day louis does three takes always. [ laughter ] >> kumail: that's what i've heard. i hear you actually -- you've been going around signing books and doing all that. >> yeah. >> kumail: how's that? >> well -- here's the thing. i know that a lot of people get their books on amazon, which is great. but i was like, i want to take it to the people. i want to sign books in airports. there's all those airport bookstores. get me in that. [ laughter ] and i told my publishers, can we go into an airport? and they're like, what? [ laughter ] yeah, the bookstores in the airport. they're like, no, you don't want to do that, that would be bad. i'm like, no, i think it would be really good.

no one would help me. so then i just went online to hudsonnews.com. and they have like a "contact us" button. contact, i was like, "hi, i wrote a book, can i sign it in your store?" people are like, really? i was like, yeah. they are like, "yeah, come." so i went to jfk. i had to bring my own books because they didn't have them in stock. >> kumail: perfect. [ laughter ] >> hey, everybody, i'm at jfk, terminal 3. >> kumail: do you have to go through security, send all your books through security? >> my books went through security. >> kumail: do they have questions? >> they didn't read the book, so they don't have any questions. [ laughter ] no, but they were like, okay, this is weird. i had a chaperone. a chaperone accompanied me throughout the airport. i went to the bathroom, they stood outside the door. very official. then they set me up in jfk, but you could only come to the book signing if you had a ticket. >> kumail: of course. >> some people flew in from canada just to come down to jfk to meet me at the bookstore. >> kumail: how cool is that? >> that was amazing. [ cheers and applause ]

super -- an amazing highlight. but that was just one or two people. there was a lot of time me sitting awkwardly in the front of an airport bookstore. [ laughter ] i would watch people walk by and be like, oh, no, is that the dude from "the league"? is he working in a bookstore now? [ laughter ] you know, "come on over, come on over!" "i think he's trying to convert me to a religion or something." [ laughter ] >> kumail: you should have made this exact face while you were waiting. here, let's do it, do it. >> sure. >> kumail: oh my god, look at that. [ cheers and applause ] imagine seeing that at the airport. >> when i signed in l.a.x., they actually put -- >> kumail: you did more than one airport? [ laughter ] >> i wanted to go every airport. i only got two people to say yes to it. l.a.x., they put candy -- >> kumail: i don't want to say this. you and nikki are wasting your lives. [ laughter ]

>> no, what it is, i have two sons that get up at 6:00 a.m. this is easy. my day is started. i've already done more by 10:00 a.m. than most people do all day. [ laughter ] >> kumail: you go to l.a.x. >> they put a little bowl of candy in front of me. to bring people in. you know. you know, so people are like reaching out to have some godiva. >> kumail: they put godiva for free? [ laughter ] >> look at this, "new york times" bestseller, that's a godiva book. [ cheers and applause ] mini, mini godivas. >> kumail: that's great. >> so they come and people are taking the candy. but then not buying a book. and i felt a little bit weird. like hey, come on, you can't take the candy and not buy a book. then i would get jealous of other people buying a book. i'd see somebody looking at "the wager." i'm like, "not that good." [ laughter ] "put down that tom selleck book, this is better." >> kumail: there are almost no joyful recollections of trauma in that book. [ laughter ] "joyful recollections of trauma" is available now. [ cheers and applause ]

and "twisters" opens in theaters july 19th. we'll be right back with mon laferte. >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by tequila don julio's summer of mexicana. (banker 1) let's hear it! (vo) with wells fargo premier a team can help you plan for your dream. (woman) i have this vacation home... (banker 2) so, like a getaway? (woman) yeah, but... it's also an eco-friendly artist retreat. (banker 3) so, you're expanding your business... (woman) ...and our family! can you help me plan for that? (banker 1) yeah! let's get started. (vo) ready to meet the dream team? you can with wells fargo.

[ cheers and applause ] >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by tequila don julio's summer of mexicana. >> kumail: that's all the time we've got. thanks to nikki glaser and paul scheer. "nightline" is next. but first, her album "autopoietica" is out now. here to celebrate the summer of mexicana with the song "tenochtitlan," mon laferte! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

[ singing in spanish ] ♪ ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ ♪ [ singing in spanish ]

♪ ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ ♪

[ cheers and applause ] this is "nightline." >> juju: tonight, wnba mania. the league flying high as all-star weekend gets under way. >> the "w" is taking over. >> juju: the rivalry between caitlin clark and angel reese fueling the frenzy. >> it's cool