>> just to be clear. >> let them eat the cake. >> there you go. so cereal, wendy's, we know what we're you're doing after work. >> there was a time in college where, you know, you didn't have any funds, you needed to -- >> well, college. >> i mean, actually, depending on what you're doing before the cereal and the wendy's, it could be really actually quite nice if you're drinking or partaking in other legal things. >> yeah. >> thank you for watching, whatever you get up to later tonight, the late show >> for the first time, and germany's lower house of parliament has legalized marijuana for legal recreational use. >> it has had an impact on german culture.

>> that is me. i am in a beautiful landscape, the water flows like my tears down my cheek into my mouth. salty and sweet. i could really use a snack. maybe some reese's peanut butter cups. the combination of chocolate and peanut butter. i was not hungry but now my mouth acts as an independent entity consuming the treat. my tongue differentiates the chocolate from the peanut butter. my body is going all fishy. how long have i been talking? maybe 1,000 years. can you tell that i am high? you can tell, right? >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight -- first, stephen welcomes

wojosh brolin and a performancey a poet and cellist. featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: please have a seat. thank you. hello, my friends. welcome to the late show. i am your host, stephen colbert. today is the michigan primary for the democrats and the republicans, right? before we tape this, before the

polls close, so we don't know the results. nikki haley, win or lose, keep doing whatever it is you think that is. inkle that the pundocracy is watching tonight involving michigan's large arab american population. due to their broad disapproval of how joe biden has supported israel's actions in gaza, a coalition of arab-american and muslim leaders are urging democrats to vote "uncommitted" in the primary as a form of protest. very important that this is a peaceful protest. they're angry but they're not going to do something insane and destructive like vote for dean phillips. and apparently, the biden administration is optimistic about a ceasefire deal. the odd thing is how we found out about it. last night, biden appeared on "late night with seth meyers." and i am so happy for my dear friend seth that he had the president on his show. even though the president has

promised to come here to the ed sullivan theater, and i do not see him. is he over there? he's not over there. keep looking. maybe he's lost. he is so very, very old. see what you made me do, joe? hurt people hurt people. anyway, so the president not only sat down for an interview with my former friend seth, but they went to an ice cream shop, where a reporter asked the president this. >> can you give us a sense of when you think that ceasefire will start, sir? >> well i hope by the beginning of the weekend -- i mean, the end of the wekend. my national security advisor tells me that we're close. we're close. it's not done yet. my hope is by next monday, we'll have a ceasefire. >> stephen: very statesman-like response, and a reason to kindle hope, if he hadn't said it directly into a scoop of mint

chip. "it's time to bring peace to a region that has known far too much tragedy." c has always gone great with dessert. even at the yalta conference they had a chocolate fountain. what i love most about this is how awkward this moment is for seth meyers. fantastic. isn't that great? i feel you, seth. this is why you have to be careful about inviting reporters to watch you film with your guests. you don't want to answer serious questions during a goofy segment. that's why seinfeld stopped doing comedians in cars discussing afghanistan. here in new york, trump has way

bigger problems than ice cream cones. he's got about 30 days to raise nearly half a billion dollars to pay his fraud judgment. but there's a more immediate threat, because a jury also ordered him to pay $83.3 million for defaming e. jean carrol, and in order to stop her from collecting immediately, trump has to post 110% of the amount in a cash bond of $91 million by march 9th. you know what they say, "march comes in like a lion and goes out like a bankrupt sexual predator." [cheers and applause] trump's team has tried some unusual legal maneuvering to postpone him coughing up the cash. for instance, they say he shouldn't have to pay because

the judgment was likely to be overturned due to the fact that their client's behavior was not "uniquely egregious." you can't get away with a crime just because it wasn't "unique." you never hear a jury say "we find the defendant derivative. victim's head in a box? please, is it 1995? boring!" but their craziest argument is that trump shouldn't have to post a bond at all, because he's too rich. can't argue with that logic. "also, i shouldn't have to go to jail. i'm too guilty." [cheers and applause] spoiler alert, the judge said no to both arguments -- after he stopped laughing. speaking of trump's crimes,

we're learning more about former trump attorney and defendant who just sent a cocktail to the stenographer, kenneth chesebro. chesebro is the mastermind of the fake electors scheme to overthrow the 2020 election. but last year, chesebro pleaded guilty in georgia has been cooperating with michigan and wisconsin investigators in hopes of avoiding more criminal charges. but turns out, chesebro might not escape the cheese-grater of justice. cnn found out that chesebro had a secret twitter account, and that's bad news for him, since while he was under oath, he told prosecutors this -- >> do you have any social media presence? facebook, instagram, twitter? >> no, i mean, uh, no. i, for whatever, i mean, before the -- >> any alternate ids that you're using for that kind of stuff? >> no. i mean, i don't i don't do any tweeting. >> stephen: that is the sound of someone desperately trying to remove the twitter app from

their phone under the desk. "uh, twitter... i... uh, no.. humina humina... i mean, i don't -- damn. face id not recognized. uh, i'd like to phone a friend." chesebro's secret account was called "badgerpundit." no. badgerpundit is not the alias of a wisconsin-based election denier, badgerpundit is a new cartoon show i am writing where a badger works at a 24-hour news network for animals that is headquartered in a big tree and is called "tree-nn." their rival network is still fox news with actual foxes. call me, paramount+! there's a huge story from when [applause] we were on break that we haven't

talked about yet -- the alabama supreme court ruled that frozen embryos are children. this surprised a lot of people, and proves beyond question that they do not know what children are. "y'know, kids! you keep 'em in a vat of liquid nitrogen at negative 320 degrees. that's why they're called "chill" dren. they're not warm-dren!" [applause] one of the guys behind this decision is a christian nationalist -- alabama chief justice and off-duty cap'n crunch, tom parker. obviously, parker's ruling is disastrous for people trying to have children with ivf. because it would force parents to pay for lifelong storage fees of embryos they will never be allowed to discard. so people are gonna be desperate for cheap storage spots. if you go to your parents' place, don't open that christmas tin from the popcorn factory! it's your frozen brother! experts say this ruling will

"require embryos to remain in cryogenic storage even after the couple who underwent the ivf treatment have died and potentially even after the couple's children, grandchildren, and even great grandchildren have died." that's gonna make for some weird family reunions. "parker, say hello to your great-great grand-embryo. i don't care if he smells weird, give him a kiss!" and this alabama ruling is just the start. as of 2023, fetal personhood bills have been introduced in at least 14 state legislatures, and they've already been enacted in georgia and missouri. on the bright side, if you're a pregnant woman driving in missouri, you can now use the carpool lane! to drive out of missouri. republicans are not gonna stop at ivf. [applause] people love carpool lane jokes.

the next thing on their agenda is birth control. right after the supreme court overturned roe v. wade, democrats in congress introduced a bill aimed to ensure access to contraception nationwide, and 195 house republicans voted against. religious conservatives approve of only the type of sex depicted in the bible -- one man, two of his daughters, and a pillar of salt that likes to watch. we've got a great show for you tonight, my guest is josh brolin. but when we come back, "meanwhile!" join us, won't you? ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored by -- align realign yourself.

when peter dickson led my platoon into combat in afghanistan, he cared about two things: completing the mission, and making sure his marines came home. and we all did. pete's always fought for what he believes in, and i know he'll do the same in congress for affordable housing, the rights of women, and the democracy he swore to protect. because helping people who need it has always been pete's mission. and i know he'll get it done. next generation veteran fund is responsible for the content of this ad. i launched our campaign at this union hall. next generation veteran fund let's go win this thing!

then we hit the road and never stopped. you shared with me your frustration at working harder to barely get by and afford a place to live. your fears for our democracy and freedoms and your dreams for yourself, your family, and the future. it is not too late to realize those dreams. i'm adam schiff, and i approve this message because together we can still get big things done. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: say hello to louis kato in the late-night show band. canine observers might notice we

have a guest musician. >> we have for us on trombone. >> other people joining us this evening is one man who counts for many men. his name, you know him, you love him, josh brolin. he will be here. folks, i spend most of my time in the news workshop pulling together the day's finest story copper, steel, and brass from which i hand-craft the most topical thermal hull then add 14,500 btu power gas burners and a rock grill, a grand vaulted oven and art deco inspired bezels and toe kick to build for you the ferris rafooli-designed chateau supreme grande palais la cornue gas range that is my monologue. but sometimes, while fleeing from the triad gangs after

stealing their cocaine submarine which i crash into a garbage island, i dig a hole and fill it with discarded ramen cups, all my clothes, and whatever was left in the tank of a broken diesel leaf blower then light up the groundwater-poisoning burn pit of news that is my segment "meanwhile." [cheers and applause] it is an oxygen tank, and air conditioner for the mind. nyc subway surfers were recently caught having sex on top of a moving mta train. i hope they both got off at the same stop. [laughter] can i just say, that's unbelievably stupid and don't do that, but also -- wow! being able to perform while hurtling above queens with your ass hanging out is impressive.

many men have trouble maintaining focus if the dog's watching. stopped twice meanwhile, apple is warning customers not to put wet iphones in rice. they are instead encouraging users to put their wet iphones in apple's new $1200 accessory: "rice." three i in other cell phone news, bounced experts are now saying that "you don't need to use airplane mode on airplanes after all." oh, what a relief, because whenever i fly i totally always put my phone on airplane mode. i have to so i can hear every word of the safety demonstration. space tell me how this "seat belt" device works again? so there are exits in front "and" behind me? on news you can use! apparently they've known for 20 your plate just

years that airplane mode doesn't do anything, but they still ask last us to turn off our phones because "airlines think people won't stop yapping on their cell stop get yourself i phones during flights, leading hear to more instances of "air rage." you you know what else leads to instances of air rage? raise being told that a transparently stupid and inconvenient rule is or for our safety by an industry bite who can't keep the doors on. meanwhile, as many of you know, we are smack dab in the middle of lent, the 40 day period before easter when many christians give up meat and reflect on their faith by staring at your burger in a way that makes you uncomfortable. well, according to the lent researchers over at food and wine magazine, eating "alligator, beaver, and capybara are all ok for lent" because "alligator is considered in the fish family," and we can "eat beaver meat, since they swim a lot in rivers, along with capybara."

we're gettin' pretty loosey-goosey with the rules there. "look at that, the neighbor's kid won the swim meet. do we have barbecue sauce?" meanwhile, stingray experts were surprised to find that charlotte, a stingray with no male companion, is pregnant. amazing, but not the most scandalous sex news about an animal named charlotte. we all remember that from charlotte's web. experts think this pregnancy may be the result of something called parthenogenesis, which is a type of asexual reproduction in which there is no genetic contribution by a male. or what many women refer to as "best case scenario."

[cheers and applause] meanwhile, kfc -- the world's finest purveyors of food by the bucket. the chicken chain is rolling out page the chizza, a fried chicken and pizza hybrid, that features two white-meat, extra-crispy fried chicken fillets with marinara sauce, mozzarella cheese, and pepperoni. 20. well, this is clearly an irresponsible and baldfaced publicity stunt to try to get someone like me to eat it on tv -- and i'm in! so here goes. it's unusual but good. i don't know how to describe it. it's like if a chicken had sex with a pizza on top of a new york city subway train. we'll be right back with josh brolin. ♪ ♪

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"overflowing with ideas and energy." that's the san francisco chronicle endorsing democrat katie porter for senate over all other options. porter is "easily the most impressive candidate." "known for her grilling of corporate executives." with "deep policy knowledge." katie porter's housing plan has "bipartisan-friendly ideas to bring homebuilding costs down." and the chronicle praises "her ideas to end soft corruption in politics." let's shake up the senate. with democrat katie porter. i'm katie porter and i approve this message. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. my guest tonight is an actor you know from "no country for old men," "avengers: endgame," and "dune." he now stars in "dune: part 2."

>> how many men with you? >> 200. >> 200? do you realize what you are able to achieve with 200 men? incredible fighters. duncan said there were millions of them in the deep south. what are you waiting for? with thousands, you can take control of the entire planet. what are you afraid of? >> stephen: please welcome back to "the late show," josh brolin. ♪ ♪

nice to see you again. >> it is nice to see you again, too. >> stephen: we talk to each other fairly often. >> you get back to me once every couple of months. >> i always get back to you. i don't always get back immediately. the story is, you sometimes send me videos, usually when you are driving back from your ranch back to l.a., you have hours on your hands. >> when i have nothing going on, i think of you. >> you have time to think about the important things. i am going to break open the time-space continuum. i reviewed rebecca ferguson last night, even though it is not getting broadcast till next week and she said you send these videos to everybody. i thought i was special.

>> stop accusing me of something i didn't do. she texted me last night knowing you and i communicate. >> she told me about that and we have a clip of how that went down. >> i texted josh brolin and he said you like sending weird videos of you fishing. would you like to talk about this? >> stephen: i am surprised you brought this up. a couple of years ago, he just sent me a video of him driving back from some mountain. he is just driving. he sends me long, rambling, heartfelt videos about how he is feeling. >> if you can go get my phone, i am not lying. i have videos of him shirtless in the steam room.

>> don't play it, play it. can you see that? wait, the sounds. >> stephen: answer for yourself. >> let me show you something. it has no sound, can you hold it up? >> stephen: that is what i sent back. it is just me and my boat. >> look at how small the boat is. you are not getting paid well. the boat looks like it is going to sink at any minute. >> stephen: i am driving to my boat. >> i send you videos of myself and you send me --

>> stephen: i am not comfortable shirtless. my wife laughs because if she is around, she says why do you talk that way. you do not sound like that. you are trying to sound cool. you are only doing that because it is josh brolin. >> that should be a selfie video but you did it in a way that i realized someone else was filming it, your wife, i assume. >> no, it is my friend chip h hill. >> the fact that you are like this, hit me up. something like that. you are my favorite uncool guy.

>> stephen: i want to thank you for inviting me to the u.s. premiere of doom. i love dune one, love dune two, amazing films. >> you are a lover of the books. > >> stephen: you can love the book and not the movie. i absolutely love it. director has done a good job. denis. is he here? get him out here. [cheers and applause]

the >> we have a great show for you tonight. i just wanted to feel what it would be like to be uncool. [laughter] >> stephen: oh, no. i am sorry. that was not nice. >> i like sitting here more than i like being at home. >> stephen: you don't want to enjoying that. my fingers were in that. denis villeneuve, everybody. please have a seat. >> my dune buddy. what's up? >> i debated with myself for a very long time, should i change

my name for something people could understand here. seriously, it is denis villeneuve. >> did i get it right? >> you did. >> stephen: say his name. >> it is starting to get better. >> he is starting to get better. >> stephen: denis villeneuve. he will be back. we have to take a quick break, but don't go anywhere. we will be right back with more

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what do i see in peter dixon? i see my husband... the father of our girls. i see a public servant. a man who served under secretary clinton in the state department... where he took on the epidemic of violence against women in the congo. i see a fighter, a tenacious problem-solver... who will go to congress and protect abortion rights and our democracy. because he sees a better future for all of us. i'm peter dixon and i approved this message. >> stephen: we are back. we have the star of dune, part two, mr. josh brolin. it is hard to give a synopsis of the movie but you did a great job. you posted this to the

instagram. would you mind reading it? >> do you want to read it? it is kind of funny if you read it. i don't know where it came from. >> stephen: the heat does get to the brain. >> dune two releases in less than two weeks. robot lady and while fall in love. elvis tries to [bleep] it all up while baghdad floats in a pool of pond scum. the dude from guardians gets mad while his mom gets caught taking lsd in a sandy bathroom. they still don't like the guy from the goonies. who doesn't want to see that on

imax? the pandemic is over, strikes have come and gone and it is time to commune again and experience the feeling of when the lights go down, you have your hand in your popcorn worm and dune to consumes you. >> stephen: i do enjoy getting your messages via video. they are really lovely. >> you said rambling and then you said heartfelt. >> stephen: this question is quite rambling but it is also heartfelt. you write poetry, you are a poet. don't shirk the responsibility of your art. who is the dp that did this with you? >> greg frazier.

>> stephen: this is a book of poetry and prose from dune. there is a lovely picture of our guest tonight. may i read this poem? this is after a day of shooting one imagines. this day will soon dim as the sculpted sand exhales softly into night. >> dude. >> stephen: did i ruin it? >> i love the way you did it. that is a haiku. you remember when you wrote 575? we should write a haiku about you right now. >> stephen: can you do it that fast? >> stephen colbert show. best host in the biz?

no. no. best host in the biz. this is brown nosing. >> stephen: best host in television. >> there we go. >> stephen: i said that about myself. >> she regressed with me. there is something i want to give you. tonya did this book that is not out yet. nobody has this book. this one is for you. it is a genius book. >> stephen: the heart and soul of dune part two. we have to take another break here. don't go away.

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>> stephen: sit down. don't leave. we are going to strap you to that chair. we are back. he is so eager to stay. we are back with one of the

stars of dune part two. one thing i got excited to see you do, we talked about this the last time, was the ballast set and it is an instrument that was made up by frank herbert played by your character, very difficult instrument. 16 strings. here is an image of what that looks like, which you play in the movies. spoiler alert. that is not you playing it? >> i pretend. >> what you are hearing is han zimmer's' music. what i've played sounds like this. >> stephen: you are good. >> people start talking about it and he said will you write the song, i want you to write the

song. we had done a song for doing one that did not stay in the movie. it did not work. he said, i want you to write the lyrics and collaborate with han zimmer. i started writing lyrics and send them to han zimmer and he would send me back pictures of icebergs on stuff and i would be like you have to focus, brother. >> stephen: did you get to keep this? >> i never do. i did santos and did not keep the glove. i should have kept the glove. it is amazing and what they created, it is incredible. one guy asked me if i learned how to play it before i got the movie or did i learn after i got

the movie. he had not done his research. i said it was a fictional instrument, bro. >> stephen: did you say bro? >> you have to accentuate with bro. i said my dad had played it -- this was my honest answer. i was blown away he asked the question. i said my dad played when he was young but he was never good at it. you know how parents push things on their kids and they want their kids to become it so by the time i got this movie, i had my 10,000 hours in and i was super good at it. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: i wanted you to know, in case you did want it,

that denis said you can have it. >> as a gift from you? >> it is going to come from him. >> i would be honored. >> stephen: he will take it. nice to see you. don't stop the videos. >> love you, k. >> stephen: dune is in theaters. we will be right back with poet amanda gorman.

what do i see in peter dixon? i see my husband... the father of our girls. i see a public servant. a man who served under secretary clinton in the state department... where he took on the epidemic of violence

against women in the congo. i see a fighter, a tenacious problem-solver... who will go to congress and protect abortion rights and our democracy. because he sees a better future for all of us. i'm peter dixon and i approved this message. democrats agree. conservative republican steve garvey is the wrong choice for the senate. ...our republican opponent here on this stage has voted for donald trump twice. mr. garvey, you voted for him twice... as your own man, what is your decision? garvey is wrong for california. but garvey's surging in the polls. fox news says garvey would be a boost to republican control of the senate. stop garvey. adam schiff for senate. i'm adam schiff, and i approve this message.

> >> stephen: performing what we carry, amanda gorman and world-renowned cellist jan vogler. [cheers and applause] >> as kids we sat in grass, fished our hands into that damp, brown universe, felt the rise, alert and alive, that earth cut

our eyes waxed wide with wonder, this, children understand. even grime is a gift, even what is mired is miraculous. and what is marred is still marvelous. ♪ ♪ are cooked, a boat like that which preserves no was the family and animals from the flood, the word comes from the latin word arc, meaning chest. much like the word meaning to close up, defend, detain. it can mean the traditional place in a synagogue for the schools of the torah. that is to say we put words in the ark where else to put them,

we continue speaking, writing, hoping, loving, fighting. that is to say we believe beyond disaster. even endings and at the lip of land. time marks into itself. it is not a repeat, but a reckoning. days cannot help but march to buy to come of the past and present paired and paralleled. it is the future we say from ourselves, for ourselves, for words matter. words and language are an ark. yes, language is an art, and articulate artifacts. language is a life craft, it is a life draft. we have called how to touch each other, how to trust all that is good and all right. we have learned our true names, not what we are called but we

are called forth to carry from here, for what do we carry if not who and what we care most for? what are we is not the price of lights, loss is the cost of loving. a debt more than every post and pull. we know this because we have decided to remember. the truth is, one -- here is to the preservation of a light so terrific, the truth is, there is joy in discarding almost everything, our rage, our wreckage, our hubris, our hate, our ghosts, our greed, our wrath, our wars. we haven't any haven for them here. rejoice for what we have left behind will not free us, but what we have left is all we n

need. we are and not us, armed only with our hands open but an empty just like a blooming thing. we walk into tomorrow carrying nothing but the world. ♪ ♪ thank you. [cheers and applause] thank you, thank you so much. >> stephen: thank you so much. amanda gorman and jan vogler. that is it for "the late show"'s. stick around for after midnight with taylor tomlinson. [cheers and applau