youtube. i felt like i was character acting. >> it was great. it was great. >> i really had to get into the mode. i kind of feel like i was a cheap ron burgundy. so it wasn't very good. after hearing it back multiple times, i'm like i don't think i could have cut it. >> yeah. we'll have a competition with vern i think or something. vern would be probably pretty good. >> vern would be really good at it. they'd be like throw the paper, boy. give us good-bye. this is old >> elon musk tells don lemon "contract is canceled." >> don lemon says elon musk called off his partnership with x just hours after the two had a 90-minute sitdown interview. >> lemon said his questions were respectful, they were wide-ranging, and that musk's love of free speech doesn't apply to him. >> coming soon to x, elon musk

sits down with the only person on the platform that can be trusted with free speech, elon musk. elon asks elon the tough questions. >> are you good at your job? yeah. do you work hard? yeah. do you have a high integrity? pretty sure. >> watch elon take elon through his long journey to success. >> um. um. um. uh. um. uh. um. uh. um. uh. that's why i started spacex. >> and no one knows how to make elon laugh like elon. >> free speech is the bedrock of democracy. [laughter] >> the elon interview of elon, streaming now. elon x. where everyone named elon can speak freelon. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert"! tonight... march mathness! plus, stephen welcomes paul simon!

featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome. welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] it is march 14th. happy pi day! pi, of course, goes on infinitely. which is why it has been named the official irrational number of the 2024 election. trump clinched the republican

nomination this week, and last night he went on newsmax to talk to greg kelly. now, if you don't know who greg kelly is, it doesn't matter. trump spent a lot of the interview talking about how unfairly he's treated. >> and i look now, even last night, i was saying it, i said there is no -- i don't care andrew jackson or anybody else. nobody has -- when you think of the fake things, nobody has been treated like trump in terms of badly. >> stephen: totally. totally normal way to say that. reminds me of my favorite michael jackson album, "in terms of badly." does he talk like that the rest of the day? "no one eats chicken nuggets like trump, in terms of hungrily. nobody puts on pajamas on like trump, by way of sleepily. and the deep state is forcing trump to get up several times a night, apropos of poopily.

or apropoopily." trump talked about his search for a vice president and insiste that everybody wants the gig. >> there's not a person in politics that doesn't want it. if i wanted, i'd have a democrat, i'd have a liberal. i'd have, uh -- i'd have have anybody i want. >> stephen: then do it, coward! trump/bernie 2024! do it! look, no! quiet! "there's only one way to heal america's partisan divide: that is soup! i've gone full maga: make america gazpacho again." maybe a couple of croutons. then it was time for international affairs. trump complained yet again about america footing the bill for nato. >> the european nations as a combination, they should be paying the same because, you know, their economy is approximately the same size. plus, they're in a lot more danger than we are. we have a thing called an ocean between us, right?

and, uh, they don't. >> stephen: what kind of weirdo says "a thing called ocean"? >> a guy named me. [laughter] >> stephen: there you go. [applause] this is... there you go. that was worth it. you gotta go back and get that one. [trilling] this is actually a verbal tic that trump has been leaning on a lot lately. listen to this. >> a thing called the civil war. a thing called ratings. a thing called truth social. a thing called super tuesday. a thing called gasoline. a thing called fish. [laughter] >> stephen: seems weird but there's probably a very simple explanation for why he talks that way. "a thing called brain damage." trump also... [cheering] trump also opened up about his personal struggles. >> some people say, sir,

how do you get out of bed in the morning? it's a war. >> stephen: "no, it's true. getting out of bed is a war. first fight is rolling over. then comes sitting up. it's absolutely harrowing. and finally, the pants. that's the real battle of the bulge." the whole interview had a real sort of dear leader, state-run tv vibes. here's an actual question that greg kelly asked trump about his many criminal investigations. >> these cases were designed to destroy you. >> yes. >> and they've helped you. and some of us actually, we see, i know my audience and me too. we see that you're protected, maybe even by the hand of god. has that ever crossed your mind? >> stephen: quick follow up: is it true that you are the chosen one, the kwisatz haderach who can bring balance to the force, defeat voldemort, free us from the matrix, and then feed a hungry world by letting us all suckle on your bountiful blessed teats? my lord, may i motor boat you?

blllbbblla! blllbbblla! [laughter] really? did we find the line? no? no? too much? the interview also touched on trump's classified documents case, and naturally, trump insisted that he did nothing wrong. >> there's something going on because they're going after me viciously. then all of a sudden, it comes out that biden took ten times the number of documents that i did and i took 'em very legally. >> stephen: okay. saying you did something "very legally" really makes it sound like you broke the law. "look, i went for a drive, very legally, very soberly, and i drove into extremely no living rooms. and as a result, a tremendous amount of my wife is very not divorcing me." in defending himself, trump insisted that he did nothing wrong, but even if he did, it's okay, because the clintons did it first.

>> by the way, they released hillary clinton. she hammered her phones. nothing happens to bill clinton. he took it out in his socks. you know, it was a famous socks case. >> stephen: oh, we all remember bill clinton's socks case. who could forget his famous line? >> i did not have socks-ual relations with that woman. >> stephen: takes you back, doesn't it? that takes you back. today, donald trump was in a florida court for that case, presided over by trump-appointed federal judge... [booing] and picture in a cursed locket that will steal your soul, aileen cannon. his lawyers argued today that the presidential records act does not apply to former president trump, because he had "virtually unreviewable" authority to designate presidential records as personal ones, and the national archives has authority over only presidential records, not personal ones." okay, so he has the power to declare presidential records personal records,

and as a result, they are no longer presidential records, because, as president, they belong to him "as you can see, officer, i couldn't have stolen the car, because i have it. how could i steal something that's already mine? now, do you have the keys? 'cause i'm having a hell of a time hotwiring this sumbitch." oh, in news news, there's new news about former cnn anchor and airbnb host who keeps hanging around long after you get there, don lemon. lemon, if you remember, was fired from cnn last year, but it seemed like he landed on his feet when he announced in january that he was getting a new show on twitter. and his first guest was none other than twitter owner and uber driver who's gonna ask you if you live alone, elon musk. lemon interviewed musk just last friday, right? and evidently, it did not go too good because shortly after, he announced "elon musk has canceled the partnership i had with x."

you know something went wrong when you're asked to leave twitter. "i'm sorry. but you're no longer welcome in our community of flat-earth incel nazis." lemon also pressed musk about his recent meeting with trump. >> you recently met with donald trump in florida. what did you guys talk about? >> i was at a breakfast at a friend's place and donald trump came by. that's it. >> what did you discuss? >> i don't -- let's just say he did most of the talking. >> stephen: okay, that checks out. "elon, other guy, i see you're enjoying a thing called breakfast. anyway, can i have a thing called $450 million? and the rest of those pancakes." what's that? i'm getting some urgent breaking sheep news. is this true? yes. a montana rancher bred giant cloned franken-sheep. that is awful. and not only because the

most annoying guy you know just said, "um, actually, it's franken-sheep's monster." the mad montana mutant mutton maker in question is an 80-year-old rancher named arthur "jack" schubarth. so why did artie jack make these monsters? the goal was hunting them for sport. ah, yes, there's no greater thrill than hunting man's deadliest predator, sheep. good luck evading their natural defense: standing still and growing you a sweater. turns out, all of this, the hydriding of the sheep is all very illegal, which is why art-jack pleaded guilty to wildlife trafficking after a nearly decade-long conspiracy to breed "giant sheep hybrids." and there's no way to know how many illegal sheep he bred. because every time authorities tried to count them, they immediately fell asleep. the extra illegal part of this --

the extra illegal part of this -- hold on, stay focused. the extra illegal part of this was using biological tissue obtained from a threatened species: the marco polo argali sheep. which is a great choice for hunting, because they always reveal their location. marco! polo! gotcha! [applause] apparently, and this is true. to make the hybrids, he extracted semen from big-horn sheep after paying $400 to a hunting guide for the sheep's testicles. for that, you gotta know a guy. "hey, psst. you buyin' balls? i got sheep, i got bull, i got humpback, i got ostrich, and if you're into luxury items... i got sasquatch. last pair."

[laughter] good catch. but now the sheep-nanigans have come to an end. schubarth's sentencing is set for july. and you can catch up on all the details on the next episode of "law & order: sv-ewe." >> bahhh! bahhh! >> stephen: we got a great show for you tonight! my guest is paul simon! but when we come back, "meanwhile"! join us, won't you? ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored by crest. the number one toothpaste brand in america. ost brilliant smile, crest has you covered. ♪♪ (laughing) nice smile, brad. nice! thanks? crest 3d white.

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♪ ♪ >> stephen: oh, hey, everybody. welcome back! give it up for louis cato and "the late show" band, everybody. there you go. [cheers and applause] good to see you. listen, i'm going to ask you, i'm going to ask you a personal question. are you a fan of musical legends? >> louis: i am, a big fan of

music legends, specifically. >> stephen: tonight's guest, mr. paul simon. [cheers and applause] he is the subject of a documentary, "in restless dreams," by the great documentarian alex gibney. going to talk about that and his career and also he will be performing. [cheers and applause] you don't get that every day. you don't get that every day. folks. folks, if you watch the show, you know i spend most of my time right over there, sourcing the day's finest news leather, hand-stitching and dyeing it into the most topical light beige matelasse chevron, then giving it a softly structured shape to which i add an oversized flap closure and an antique gold-toned hardware to present to you the arresting yet tasteful gg marmont mini top handle gucci bag that is my monologue. but sometimes, just sometimes, folks, i am chased into an abandoned abattoir by human-animal hybrids of my own creation and rip the shredded plastic tarp off a window, which i stuff with

some acorns and tubers and strap it to my belt with a garbage twist tie and set off into the night with the demented fanny pack of news that is my segment... >> "meanwhile"! [applause] >> stephen: it's the only luggage i need. meanwhile, an australian billionaire, clive parker, has revived his dream to set sail on "titanic ii," a replica of the ill-fated ship that sank in 1912, that's just like the original with a traditional dining room first-class dining saloon, luxurious staterooms and suites, grand ballroom, gymnasium, squash court, swimming pool, baths, theatre and casino." yeah, i'm hearing a lot of words there that aren't "lifeboats." lifeboats. also, the boat will have 835 cabins with almost half of those

reserved for first class, while third class passengers will be treated to stew and mash at long tables in a communal dining room, as they were on the original boat. it is truly an exact replica. which is why it also includes "the bonin' car." meanwhile... [applause] big. big fans of the bonin' car here tonight. meanwhile, music icon dolly parton says "i think" beyonce recorded "jolene" and "it's probably gonna be on her country album." a dolly parton-beyonce crossover sounds amazing! i personally can't wait for "jolemonade." meanwhile, "staff at a virginia wildlife center pretend to be red foxes as they care for an orphaned kit" by literally putting on this outfit to hand-feed the baby fox in order to keep it from imprinting on humans. which is great.

but i would keep an eye on the guy who just has his own fox costume. "it's a lifestyle, okay? don't worry. i don't get as horny when i wear it to work." meanwhile, a school in cork, ireland, is celebrating sunday's oscars, specifically the win of one of its famous alumna. >> the excitement when the boys came in the door this morning. they were sayin', mr. lights, "did you hear the news?" and i said, "what news now?" and they were saying, "cillian won an oscar." >> it's fair to say there wasn't a balloon left in cork this morning with the name "cillian" on it. >> stephen: i think it's also fair to say this was a huge day for the "we sell only balloons with the name cillian on them" store. "they told me it was a terrible idea for a store, and they were right!" meanwhile, in teen health news, a new survey finds most teens report feeling happy or peaceful when they go without smartphones. good for you, teens.

i hear that the only people happier are your friends who are talking about you right now in a groupchat, laughing, and sharing inside jokes that you'll never be able to enjoy, 'cause there's no catching up at this point. meanwhile, according to a recent passenger survey ranking airports, new york's own laguardia airport went from the worst airport in north america all the way to first. [applause] yeah. hell yeah. asked to comment, the port authority bus terminal said "don't worry. i'm still disgusting." we'll be right back with paul simon!

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♪ so if you're happy and you know it ♪ ♪ throw you hands up and show it ♪ ♪ if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪ ♪ and if you love the life you're living ♪ ♪ go ahead and dive right in ♪ ♪ and shake it, shake it like you mean it, do a little dance ♪ ♪ show me what you got ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands ♪ - [announcer] find your happiness in san diego.

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, it's one of those nights because my guest tonight is one of my favorite musicians of all time and probably yours. he has 16 grammys and is a two-time rock two-time rock & roll hall of fame inductee. he's now the subject of a new docuseries called "in restless dreams" about his life and his latest album "seven psalms." >> it's not like a thought i actually enjoy. i don't like to think this is the theme of this. i like to work and then

discover. let me see if i want this. people say, why is it that you always want to change or sound? i'm not thinking that way at all. i'm looking for the edge of what you can hear. i can just about hear it but i can't quite. but that's the thing i want. how do you get there? you know, it's a travel. it's way on the horizon. sometimes you find it to make something that has magic, you know? >> stephen: please welcome back to "the late show," paul simon. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheering] it's nice to have you back. thank you for being here. >> paul: thank you. >> stephen: they are very kind people. lovely to see you again. i so enjoyed alex gibney's documentary, i saw the first part of "in restless dreams" last night and interviewed you over the directors guild about it. what i love about it is, it has much the same reaction i had when i was watching peter jackson's documentary of the beatles and their process. i love seeing a great artist who i admire going through the process of creating their material, to see how they got to this thing that moved me so. and it's about your life. it's about the first part of your career with your old partner, art. but about that process. one of the things you say can sort of continually in this documentary is i noticed a big compliment from you is "that's interesting." you are interested in things that interest you.

so what was the first song you ever heard and you thought "that's interesting"? >> paul: when i was 12, i was a big yankee fan and i used it to do a score, score the ball games. you fill out the lineup and you could indicate this was a base hit, base on balls, strike one. so before the yankee games, there was a show on called, i think it was called "make-believe ballroom" but i'm not sure. and they played pop music. i just wanted to be there on time for the yankee games in the music was so boring. it wasn't interesting. and as i'm filling out, you know, yogi berra, you know, the d.j. says "i got this record in this morning and this has to be the worst thing i've ever heard. this record is a hit, i'll eat my hat." and he plays a record called

"gee" by the crows. which you've probably never heard of. earlier r&b song. it goes [scatting] oh, gee, oh, oh, gee. gee, gee, how i love that girl. i'm thinking that's the first thing on there that i liked at all. and it was really the first time i guess i ever heard rock and roll. >> stephen: how often does your own song surprise you? you said at one point in the documentary -- >> paul: i like it if it does. >> stephen: you said 60% in to creating a song, sometimes the song will start to show you the path. what is it like when it doesn't? >> paul: well, you just -- it's not complete. >> stephen: do you throw it away or put it in a drawer? >> paul: seldom. don't put it in a drawer. i have thrown a couple of songs away where i said after i wrote a lyric, you know what? that's bull[bleep].

[laughter] >> stephen: amazing artists, johnny cash, aretha franklin, many others. do you have a favorite or unexcited cover? >> paul: my favorite cover is aretha's but the unexpected one the became one of my favorites, i should start this off by saying i was never a frank sinatra fan. it's before my time. i wasn't interested in the american songbook. now i revere it. and frank sinatra. but anyway, i wasn't a fan. and in the '60s, he did a cover version of "mrs. robinson," you know, which -- >> stephen: i've never heard that. i've never heard his version. >> paul: no. he didn't set the charts on fire with that. but anyway.

i hear it, and he is singing, so ring a ding ding mrs. robinson. jilly loves you more than you will know. wine is fine as i can only see. ring... i say, he can't do that. [applause] nobody asked my permission. i am stopping the record. so they say "really? you want to stop a frank sinatra record?" i say "i don't care. yeah, you don't do that." so a couple of days later, i get a phone call from some guy at warner bros. saying "look, please don't do this. i said it was okay to do this. don't make me go to frank." >> stephen: and knuckles. >> paul: yeah, so i said okay. the song became -- i love it now.

it's the record that i play as soon as the concert is over because it's perfect rat pack lyrics. i love it. you know? but yeah. not in the way i love aretha franklin's thing which is glorious. >> stephen: one of my favorite songs. [applause] one of my favorite songs of yours is "slip slidin' away." can you tell me about writing that? what was the process like for that? it's got beautiful structures. a man, a woman, a father, god, different points of view of these different personages. >> paul: well, the thing that i remember most about that is it's probably the song that i wrote most quickly. i think it came in less than a half an hour.

it just came out. that's very unusual for me because, i mean, i could take months or even a year to write a song. to that came very fast. >> stephen: when you write that song that fast, can you go wait, can it be good? because it came so fast? you have any doubt about the song because it came fast? should it be a struggle for you? >> paul: no more inclined to "this is probably good." don't touch it. it's got something it wants to say. and i think that song was -- it wasn't really about my life but emotionally i think it was autobiographical. not factually but emotionally. >> stephen: that song, i'm not sure, what year? >> paul: i'll sing it later. >> stephen: okay. that would be great. that would be lovely. do number what year? '72, '73? >> paul: maybe '74.

>> stephen: '74 sounds right. i was sitting in the car and my mom had gone to the winn-dixie grocery store and i was listening to that song in which she came out, she got in the front seat. before she turned the engine, she listened to the lyric and the lyric was "i knew a woman became a wife. these are the very words she uses to describe her life. a good day ain't got no rain and a bad day is when i lie in bed and think of things that might've been." and my mother, went "oh." she goes, "that's true." and i thought what is her interior life like that i know nothing about? i am ten and i'm looking at her going, what don't i know about her life? so thank you for that. [applause] we have to take a quick break. but don't go anywhere. we'll be right back with more paul simon, everybody. stick around. scout is protected by simparica trio and he's in it to win it! simparica trio is the first chew

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>> stephen: there you go. hey, everybody, look at that. it's america's sweetheart, paul simon. the new documentary about your life, "in restless dreams," was shot while you were working on your latest album right here. "seven psalms" which came out last year. but right in the middle of working on this... [applause] right in the middle of working on this, you suffered a serious health crisis. explain to the people what happened.

>> paul: well, it was not in the middle. it was towards -- i don't know. it was after a while. but i lost the hearing in my left ear. it was a pretty precipitous decline. i mean, it happened over a couple of months. didn't come from any trauma or illness. it just happened. so i suspect that it's, that it's genetic. >> stephen: what does that do to you as an artist? does it literally unbalance you. >> paul: it really, really was disconcerting. you know, it was depressing. i just didn't know what to do. >> stephen: did it change the way you approached your craft? to be down a man, in your ears? didn't make you less of a perfectionist? are you a perfectionist? >> paul: no. >> stephen: you're not? >> paul: no. i understand what people mean when they say that. but it's not really such a thing

in music. you know. something is either musical and it's satisfying or it's not satisfying in some way that's musical. it's not described by perfection. so if i write something and i think "that's good. that part is good. that part is okay. this is good. this verse is good, all right, it's okay." what i think is the ear goes to the irritant. so after a while, these parts, i say okay, and i say no, i can't stand them. so i don't think it's being a perfectionist to do that. it's like, that part is not musical to you. it irritates you. all i want to do is fix it. i don't want to make it the greatest piece of, you know, eight bars that i ever wrote. i just want to make it so it doesn't bother me.

>> stephen: i had a great joke writer once said to me, gave me advice and said follow your discomfort and listen to it. >> paul: exactly. >> stephen: if the joke doesn't sound right to you you shouldn't do it. work on it. >> paul: that's right. did you do that on your monologue? >> stephen: tonight's monologue? [laughter] the inspiration for this album, again, which is "seven psalms," it seems too poetic. it came to you in a dream. how did that work? >> paul: it did. dreams? well, you go to sleep. you go to sleep and then these things come into your -- >> stephen: literally like a voice saying something in your head? >> paul: it was a very, very vivid dream, and a voice said "you're supposed to write or you are writing a piece called 'seven psalms'." and it was so striking that i woke up and i wrote it down. "seven psalms."

january 15, 2019. and then i put a circle around the "ps" of psalms. >> stephen: paul simon. >> paul: right. and the next morning when i got up, i said i'm going to look up psalms. i'm not even -- i think i know what it means but i don't know. i looked it up and i said i guess i should go to the bible. i looked at that and i said, i don't think i'm going to be doing this. [laughter] >> stephen: it sounds like song. it is a song but it's a song to god. are you yourself a man of faith? >> paul: i would say yes. well, let me put it another way. i think we're in an unbelievable paradise on earth, and life is so mysterious a mystery, like in the rest of our galaxy, there's really no other life. and we don't know

what's going on. so life is incredible. so i think what a great job you did, your god with this planet. excellent. and the universe. paul simon. hats off to you, god. fantastic universe. >> stephen: so your faith is an act of gratitude? >> paul: an act of gratitude. but then i think if the explanation for our creation is not there was a creator but there's another explanation i think, i am no less grateful and i'm no less in awe of everything and it's not going to change my morality. i'm not going to think bad is good and good is bad because i feel when it's good and i feel when i do bad. so in the two choices between, is there a creator or is there another explanation, i like the creator story. that's where i'm at with that.

you? >> stephen: what? >> paul: you? >> stephen: i was convicted of my atheism for many years and that i was overwhelmed by an enormous sense of gratitude for the world. it resonates for me because this enormous, heartbreaking gratitude even for heartbreaking things, not because the world is beautiful but the beauty isn't necessarily happy things. the joy is greater than happiness. happiness is not the ultimate úgoal. sublime is the goal. that feeling that even comes in grief, grief with you is an act of love so we can both be& sad and yet there is joy there because our ability to share our love in that moment and heal and care for each other. that feeling, even in that there could be something beautiful led me to an enormous overwhelming uncontainable sense of gratitude and it had to go someplace. >> paul: absolutely. >> stephen: that led me back to my relationship with what i now call my god. >> paul: yeah. i understand completely. [applause] >> stephen: we are going to take another break here. we'll be right back with a performance by paul simon, everybody.

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>> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, with a song from his album "seven psalms," paul simon. [applause]. ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ yesterday's boy is gone driving through darkness searching for your forgiveness ♪ ♪ sorrow, a beautiful song ♪ ♪ lives in the heart and sings for all ♪ ♪ your forgiveness ♪ ♪ inside the digital mind ♪ ♪ a homeless soul ponders the code of forgiveness ♪ ♪ and i, the last in the line ♪ ♪ hoping the gates won't be closed ♪ ♪ before your forgiveness ♪

♪ dip your hand in heaven's waters ♪ ♪ god's imagination ♪ ♪ dip your hand in heaven's waters ♪ ♪ all of life's abundance ♪ ♪ in a drop of condensation ♪ ♪ dip your hand in heaven's waters ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i ♪ ♪ i have my reasons to doubt ♪

♪ there is a case to be made ♪ ♪ 2 billion heartbeats and out ♪ ♪ waving the flag in the last parade ♪ ♪ i have my reasons to doubt ♪ ♪ dip your hand in heaven's waters ♪ ♪ god's imagination ♪ ♪ dip your hand in heaven's waters ♪ ♪ all of life's abundance ♪ ♪ in a drop of condensation ♪ ♪ dip your hand in heaven's waters ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ i, ♪ ♪ i have my reasons to doubt ♪ ♪ a white light eases the pain ♪ ♪ 2 billion heartbeats ♪ ♪ and out ♪ ♪ or does it all begin again ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ dip your hand in heaven's waters ♪ ♪ dip your hand in heaven's waters ♪

♪ all of life's abundance ♪ ♪ dip your hand in heaven's waters ♪ ♪ ah, ah, ah, oh ♪ [applause] >> stephen: the docuseries "in restless dreams" premieres sunday on mgm+, paul simon, everybody. we'll be right back.

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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." now stick around for "after midnight" with taylor tomlinson. good night! ♪ ♪