mask around because there is an active investigation on me. >> yeah, they're going to take two seconds to play that in court. yes. >> the duck head? shouldn't he be wearing a clown suit? >> i think this whole thing is trolling. investigation underway, meaning we're going rewatch that news clip, and i think we've finished the investigation. >> i think the investigation is completed. >> yes, right. >> son, we got to talk. >> yes. yeah, couldn't be me. thank you for watching. the late show with stephen colbert is next. we'll see you tomorrow. >> be a lot easier >> two of america's most powerful men, from opposite parties, have something in common. they blamed their wives. supreme court justice samuel alito blamed his wife for flying the american flag upside down outside their house after the january 6th riots. senator bob menendez blamed his wife are stashing gold bars.

>> have you recently gotten into a little hot water and need somebody else to blame? then call me at bob's blame bus. here's how it works. you throw your wife under a bus and i'll run her over. it's that simple. and it doesn't matter what the indiscretion is. gold bars from egypt? it was the wife. supporting an insurrection? the wife. the results are the same. toss, toss, honk, honk, thump, thump. call now and i'll be there in a half-hour guaranteed. and if i'm late, it's my wife's fault. ♪ if bad decisions are causing you strife ♪ ♪ call bob's blame bus ♪ ♪ and throw under your wife ♪ >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert"! tonight... in justice alito! plus, stephen welcomes sarah paulson! and paul scheer!

and a performance from "merrily we roll along." featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: oh oh. [cheers and applause] thank you, everybody. you're very kind. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. i want to start off by saying i believe in democracy. i believe in our constitutional government. i believe in the separation of powers. and i wish the supreme court felt the same way. because the supreme court of the united states, or "scotus," continues to shoot itself in the nuts, or "scrotus."

[laughter] these folks... in the black robes, they've been wracked with scandals over the past few years, including clarence thomas' wife promoting the coup on january 6th, and clarence thomas accepting luxury vacations from the guy who owns hitler's napkins. and now, there's a brand-new scandal involving supreme court justice and lifeguard watching you drown, samuel alito. right now, there are multiple cases that could be decided by the supreme court involving donald trump's efforts to overturn the 2020 election. which is why it was particularly disturbing this weekend when we found out that, in january of 2021, just days after the capitol riot, an upside-down u.s. flag flew at the home of justice samuel alito. [booing] and that's significant because at that time, the upside-down flag had become a symbol of the

"stop the steal" movement. and even worse, all of alito's garden gnomes were fully q-anon. [laughter] and when it comes to january 6th cases argued before the court, alito has been highly sympathetic to the mob. that's like when your couples therapist wearing a shirt that says, "team david." there's no possible justification for a supreme court justice displaying a symbol of insurrection at his home. which is why, when this photo was published, alito immediately did the right thing, owned up, and blamed his wife, saying in a statement that he had "no involvement whatsoever in the flying of the flag." and "it was briefly placed by his wife, martha-ann." so he dropped a dime on his gal, citing the landmark case of "me just tryna live my life v. ladies be crazy, amirite?" [cheering]

crazy! alito excused his wife's desecration of the flag that our forefathers died for at iwo jima, because he says she only did it because a neighbor displayed a "[bleep] trump" sign on their lawn, and when mrs. alito confronted the neighbor about it, they say the neighbor addressed his wife using vulgar language, "including the c-word". okay, that is not nice. but if someone calls you the c-word, putting up an insurrection flag is not the response. "oh, you were rude to my wife? well, we're nazis now." are you happy? so martha-ann runs up the january 6 flag, and then sam comes home from work, sees it, and is like, "honey, i understand you're upset, but we have to take that down immediately. for pete's sake, i'm a justice of the supreme court," is what would have been nice to have happened.

but instead, neighbors confirmed the display stood for several days before being taken down. [booing] so, alito clearly knew about this, because he came and went for several days, and, to paraphrase my favorite spangled banner, ♪ the flag was still there ♪ [applause] do i do it upside down? do i wear my hat backwards? now dig this, daddy-o. the court has repeatedly warned its own employees against public displays of partisan views, but that doesn't affect alito because the supreme court serves as an arbiter of its own behavior. so, different rules apply to the justices and their staff. why? i wouldn't want to go to a restaurant with a sign that says "employees must wash hands, but manager can pee in your soup." [applause] ♪ was still there... ♪ so that's the jokes on that

story. by the way, if you didn't like those jokes, they were my wife's idea. i just came home and the jokes were there. i had nothing to do with those jokes. this weekend, trump hit the campaign trail. on friday, he swung by a republican fundraiser in minnesota, where he had a new condition for his debates with joe biden. >> i just want to debate this guy. but you know, and i'm going to demand a drug test too, by the way. [laughter] >> stephen: okay, but trump and biden are two very old men. of course they're on drugs. you test any guy their age and you're going to get positives for lipitor, metoprolol, flomax, and werther's original. [laughter and applause] do you really want to delay the debate, waiting for two

old men to pee? we've only got till november! ooh, trump also took a shot at biden's signature issue, shrink-flation. >> i said anybody have any tic-tacs? and the guy said, yeah, i have one. look at the size of that sucker. can you see that, pete? this is called biden tic-tacs. >> stephen: "this? those are biden tic-tacs. this is shocking. this is called biden car. and look what he did to detroit. look what he did to men. this is biden man. can't even fit in biden car. body comes off. it's possessed by devil head.

possessed by devil. then, on saturday, trump spoke at the nra's annual meeting, where he played a piece of instrumental stock music that has become a q-anon anthem, and when the music played, he paused for, and i'm rounding down here, forever. >> together they help make america into the single greatest nation in the history of the world. ♪ ♪ [applause] but now we are a nation

in decline. we are a failing nation. >> stephen: nothing like pausing forever under scary music and then saying the saddest possible sentence. "okay, kids, come on here. daddy needs to talk to you. ♪ ♪ [exhales] i'm leaving your mom for your preschool teacher." [applause] bananas. while trump was out on the campaign trail, one of his best buds was holding the fort down in palm beach. former trump lawyer and gremlin who gets your baby unless you can guess his name, rudy giuliani. this weekend, rudy was celebrating his 80th birthday in florida, when arizona

prosecutors served him indictment papers at his own party. [cheers and applause] there you go. there you go. rudy must have been shocked, given that just an hour and 14 minutes earlier, he tweeted, "if arizona authorities can't find me by tomorrow morning, one, they must dismiss the indictment; two, they must concede they can't count votes." hoo-hoo! it was the worst-timed social media post since jesus tweeted, "enjoying some delicious hummus at the first of many suppers with the most loyal apostles in the game!" you and me back-to-back. but an indictment isn't the only gift rudy's getting. he also set up an 80th birthday amazon gift registry. it was either at amazon or "crate and i live in a barrel." so what do you get the guy who drank everything?

well, reportedly he asked for led chandeliers, a flat-screen tv and a podcasting mic, plus stain-blocking ceiling paint. it's hard to imagine why rudy has stains on his ceiling. because there are so many options! i'm gonna say post-franzia poop cartwheels. rudy was really hoping for a nice birthday check because he's $148 million in debt, which is why he recently launched a new grift. rudy coffee. you know their slogan: "fresh from the scalp!" we got a great show for you tonight! my guests are sarah paulson and comedian paul scheer. but when we come back, we go behind the scenes at donald trump's trial. join us, won't you?

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: give it up for louis cato and "the late show" band right over there, baby. folks, we are quickly nearing the conclusion of the trump

hush money trial here in new york city. every day, we read a lot about what's going on inside the courtroom, but we have to imagine what it looked and sounded like. because video and audio feeds are banned. for instance, if a journalist inside the courtroom reports that trump farted, it's all hearsay, and even worse, it's smell-say. all we have to go on are artists' sketches of the trial's main characters: judge merchan, witnesses like david pecker, stormy daniels, michael cohen, a very handsome eric, and what appears to be an albino sasquatch in heat. now, as colorful... [cheers and applause] as colorful as those sketches are, trump hasn't been happy about how he's been depicted. reports are he's privately raging over everything from how the court sketch artist is rendering him, to late-night talk show hosts joking about his legal troubles.

[cheers and applause] hey! hey. which gave me an idea... what if a late night talk show host used the actual courtroom sketches trump doesn't like to joke about his legal troubles? well, thanks to cutting edge non-ai technology known as "hu-man art-ists", we have recreated the trial exactly as it has happened. jim? >> "the late show" presents court sketch court. tonight's episode: "to sketch a predator." >> order, order. we now resume the trial of the people of new york versus donald trump. [snoring]

>> hannibal lecter! i'm sorry. where am i? >> it's okay, mr. president. here's your binky. now focus on your papers. >> this is a tough one. >> who's a good president? you are. you are. >> so i opened the door, and there is donald trump wearing nothing but a t-shirt and boxer shorts. >> eww. >> [bleep]. >> i reminded the defendant he's under a gag order. >> and i remind the defendant i gagged on his odor. [laughter] >> oooh. [applause] >> so i said to mr. trump, sure, boss.

i'll pay off a porn star. you see, me and mr. trump was always doing crimes. >> this testimony is killing me. we've got to clear the room. >> we can't do that. >> i can. >> i told her... [farting] >> eww. [farts] >> oh! oh! >> he did it. >> well, somehow we've reached the end of this trial. mr. foreman, would you please read the jury's verdict? >> yes, your honor. the jury finds donald trump guilty. >> what the -- >> you'll never take me alive!

>> order, order. >> you don't exist. you don't exist. and you don't exist. and you -- >> dad, you wouldn't erase your own son, would you? no! , oh. i still love you, dad. >> finally. no one exists but me. [cheering] >> stephen: we'll be right back with sarah paulson. ♪ ♪ there are many ways to dress your mcdonald's hot, crispy fries. but which is best...? is it with ketchup?

sweet 'n sour? dare i say au naturale...? ♪ when you over do it... undo it, with the pepto that's right for you. ♪ pepto has berry fast melts ♪ ♪ cherry chewables ♪ ♪ liquicaps ♪ ♪ that make relief easy. ♪ ♪♪ ♪ pepto bismol. ♪ pick your pepto. we really don't want people to think of feeding food like ours is spoiling their dogs. good, real food is simple. it looks like food, it smells like food, it's what dogs are supposed to be eating. no living being should ever eat processed food for every single meal of their life. it's amazing to me how many people write in about their dogs changing for the better.

the farmer's dog is just our way to help people take care of them. ♪ some people just know there's a better way to do things. like bundling your home and auto insurance with allstate. yeah, she knows. and some people... don't. like... come on. yikes! ughh... no. you know, there's a better way. save time and money by bundling your home and auto with allstate. you're in good hands with allstate. [ upbeat music ] and auto with allstate. - [singing] ♪ i'm returning for ♪ ♪ the candle drop. ♪ - [singing] ♪ i just get a latte, ♪ ♪ pretend to shop. ♪

a slow network is no network for business. that's why more choose comcast business. and now, we're introducing ultimate speed for business —our fastest plans yet. we're up to 12 times faster than verizon, at&t, and t-mobile. and existing customers could even get up to triple the speeds... at no additional cost. it's ultimate speed for ultimate business. don't miss out on our fastest speed plans yet! switch to comcast business and get started for $49.99 a month. plus, ask how to get up to an $800 prepaid card. call today!

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, my first guest this evening is an emmy award-winning actor you know from the ryan murphy universe and movies like "the post" and "glass." please welcome back to "the late show," sarah paulson.

♪ ♪ >> sarah: hello. >> stephen: hello. >> sarah: hello, finds her. >> stephen: lovely to see you again. it's been too long. >> sarah: is this mine? it's mine now. >> stephen: this is daddy's right over here. water? >> sarah: i hope so. >> stephen: meals also. >> stephen: a bouquet of congratulations is in order to you. [cheers and applause] they don't even know yet. >> sarah: they don't know what is. it's been anticipated. >> stephen: you won a drama league award and nominated for a tony award in your performance for the new place v-8. [cheers and applause] there you go. you must be feeling pretty good to be sarah paulson right now.

>> sarah: you know, i'm trying my best to embrace this idea of like, pride in oneself. because i think we are living in a time where at least i feel we are not sort of allowing ourselves to celebrate the things that we worked very, very hard for. yes, if you like patty simcox in "grace," i'm so excited! about myself. but i do feel like i worked really hard and i'm excited that people have responded to my work because it sure beats the alternative. >> stephen: right. take the time to enjoy. take the time to enjoy it. >> sarah: i really do feel like we are afraid to self celebrate without, you know, worrying people are going to think we are full of ourselves. >> stephen: i got a lovely message from nora efron. she said "i just want to make sure you're enjoying this. people were very hard and then they achieve a certain thing and they don't allow themselves to actually enjoy the moment." >> sarah: that's right. also, this may be it.

i don't know what's coming. >> stephen: that's what i hear. it's over for sarah paulson! that's why we have you here tonight. >> sarah: to let me know this is the end of the line. >> stephen: turning your badge and you're gone. >> sarah: your s.a.g. card, your equity card. you've got to go. you've hit it, kid. >> stephen: you are honored by another thing. this is kind of cool. there's a restaurant here in new york, it's a mainstay of broadway. in the theater community. there are portraits, sort of characters but cartoon portraits of stars of broadway on the walls and there you are getting your sardi's portrait. if you know, you know. >> sarah: it's an outrageously special thing made even more special by the reality that my mother moved to new york city when she was 27 years old with a 5-year-old me and a 3.5-year-old my sister by herself, alone, single mom, and got a job

working at sardi's. there's a man named max. that man right there who now owns the restaurant but he hired my mother when he just manage the downstairs floor of the restaurant. my mom was the only person worked there who had children at the time. when my mom and i walked in to have this unveiling, they call it, they saw each other and he started to cry. because he said, i remember you so well. he grabbed her by the arm and said, you know, we did all right. it was very moving. [applause] >> stephen: i'm gonna cry. >> sarah: i know. that's all that's been happening. it's not a big deal. >> stephen: you're no stranger to the stage. when you were 19? >> sarah: 19. >> stephen: 19. >> sarah: wendy waterson's play. i like the one little applause.

excellent work. >> stephen: take me back, you're on broadway at 19. what is that like for a young sarah paulson? >> sarah: it was my first job. it was my first job. first professional gig. i've made the decision to not pursue a college career which has its... >> stephen: i dig it. >> sarah: it was okay i guess for me. i can't sell parmesan -- spell parmesan. >> stephen: did you ever wait tables question might >> sarah: i did wait tables for a hot second and i got an order for chicken parmesan and i couldn't spell it so i quit. >> stephen: you you're kidding. >> sarah: i swear to god. circles piza. it was my first sort of job waiting tables and it lasted about six hours.

because they were like hi, i would like to order a chicken farm. chicken parmesan? how do i spell parmesan. it's making me sound like an absolute dolt and it's not incorrect. it didn't occur to me that i could write "check harm" or something. i quit. >> stephen: that is stick-to-itiveness. any resistance? quit. >> sarah: just walk away. i thought this is not going to go well and it didn't. >> stephen: you're on broadway. >> stephen: i got a job understanding the great actress amy ryan, also nominated for a tony this year for her work in "doubt." same category. the most special part about doing that show was i've never done a play before the actual curtain. a big heavy, red velvet curtain. i was 19. i've never done a play before. i am sitting there and i

remember looking into the wings and the stage guy. >> stephen: manager questioning >> sarah: not stage manager for the guy was going to lift the curtain. stagehand. he said ready? i said ready. he pulled it up on a remember the weight of the curtain going up in the waft of freezing cold air and then people applauding the set. i was like "oh, wow, i guess i'm doing okay because they are clapping." i didn't know it was not for me by the way. youth. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break. we'll be right back with more sarah paulson, everybody. stick around. scout is protected by simparica trio and he's in it to win it! simparica trio is the first chew with triple protection. whoa fleas! and ticks!

(♪♪) intestinal worms! whoa! heartworm disease! no problem with simparica trio! this drug class has been associated with neurologic adverse reactions including seizures. use with caution in dogs with a history of these disorders. for winning protection— go with simparica trio. that grimy film on your teeth? dr. g? (♪♪) it's actually the buildup of plaque bacteria which can cause cavities. most toothpastes quit working in minutes. but crest pro-health's antibacterial fluoride protects all day. it stops cavities before they start... crest. marshalls buyers have a very particular set of skills. ♪♪ they can hunt down the latest trends. double denim is back. so chic. ♪♪ and take quality very, very seriously. ♪♪ ceramic. they're highly trained, deal making professionals. who travel far and wide to hustle the best of the best for you. we get the deals,

you get the good stuff. marshalls. ♪ is you with me now? ♪ ♪ then biggie-biggie-bounce ♪ ♪ i know you dig the way ♪ ♪ i sw-sw-switch my style ♪ (holla) ♪ people sing around ♪ ♪ now people gather 'round ♪ ♪ now people jump around ♪ ♪ go, get ur freak on ♪ ♪ go, get ur freak on ♪ ♪ go, get ur freak on ♪

>> stephen: hey, we are back with the star of "appropriate" on broadway. it's sarah paulson, everybody. now you're on broadway at the belasco, isn't it? >> sarah: yes, yes. >> stephen: doing "appropriate." tell the folks what "appropriate" is about. >> "appropriate"'s a family drama that takes -- it's very, very funny. aren't all family reunions -- at least don't they provide an ample opportunity for comedy for you or any of you when you go home and your around your family members? >> stephen: collectively a tragedy. privately a comedy. >> sarah: exactly. that is sort of the play. [applause] >> stephen: your family, you have roots in the south. >> sarah: my families from the

south. >> stephen: do enjoy being southern onstage? >> sarah: i do but i don't get to do a southern accent. >> stephen: in this thing? >> sarah: it takes place in arkansas but most of us grew up in washington, d.c., in the play so i don't get to come out to my favorite accent to do which is a southern accent. there are different kind of southern accents. >> stephen: i from south carolina, i know. >> sarah: there's the round accent. sort of alabama, georgia. versus the more texas, which is harder. or north carolina which is more in the nose, that is right. stephen, that is correct. speed month people try to do it and i go no, no, no. >> sarah: right in the nose, right appear. if you know, you know. [applause] >> stephen: congratulations on the nominations and the awards. in the cartoons. "appropriate" is on broadway

at the belasco theater ladies and gentlemen. sarah paulson, everybody. we'll be right back with comedian paul scheer. . was this fire person's day hard enough for a mike's hard lemonade, joel? was it? (fire truck sirens) hey (cat hissing) keep it cool, cool cat. hard days deserve a hard lemonade feeling sluggish or weighed down? could be a sign that your digestive system isn't at its best. but a little metamucil everyday can help. metamucil's psyllium fiber gels to trap and remove the waste that weighs you down and also helps lower cholesterol and slows sugar absorption to promote healthy blood sugar levels. so you can feel lighter and more energetic. lighten everyday the metamucil way. feel less sluggish & weighed down after just 14 days. sign up for the 2 week challenge at metamucil.com frizz. dryness. breakage. new dove 10-in-1 serum hair mask with peptide complex. fortifies hair bonds

at a molecular level. helps reverse ten signs of damage in one minute. keep living. we'll keep repairing. to help protect from hiv, i prep without pills. with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. with one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. in studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. you must be hiv negative, to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. practice safer sex to reduce your risk. don't take apretude if you're allergic to it or taking certain medicines,

as they may interact. tell your doctor if you've had liver or kidney problems or mental health concerns. if you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. some of the most common side effects include injection-site reactions and headache. you must receive apretude as scheduled. ask your doctor about long-acting apretude. and prep without pills. save at apretude.com. you have all the ingredients for this in your fridge but ask yourself this... of all the times you've made it at home... has it ever tasted like our mcmuffin? ♪ba da ba ba ba.♪

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. folks, my next guest

is a comedian you know from television shows like "the league," "black monday," and "veep." he's just written a new book: "joyful recollections of trauma." please welcome back to "the late show," paul scheer. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ i want to get to the book right here. "joyful recollections of trauma." okay. i am all for joyful reactions to trauma. last time we saw each other was on the pickleball court. for "pickled," my pickleball special. >> paul: your pickleball special where i was humiliated, defeated by will ferrell and tig notaro. i've been watching the tape a lot. i think it was rigged. i want a recount. i want a stop this deal. i think we need to go back and

figure this out. >> stephen: until we can figure it out. >> paul: until we can figure it out. >> stephen: you are clearly upset. there you are with your wife, joy diane raphael. she was she upset? >> paul: very upset. when you watch yourself play a sport on tv you realize how bad you actually look. >> stephen: everyone should be forced to play a sport they love on camera and then come home and go "oh." >> paul: you think you're looking like michael jordan and you look out there and you're like "oh, this is bad. it's like a toddler being tossed into a pool." >> stephen: you and your wife also cohost a podcast with jason manzo gus. "how did this get made." i love the premise. is it strictly films that are bad and you can't figure how they got made or is it just how do movies get made? >> paul: a movie where we

celebrate bad movies. >> stephen: we all have a bad movie that we love. >> paul: it's like "garbage pail kids: the movie." >> stephen: i don't know either of those movies. do you have a favorite bad mo movie? >> paul: there is one called samurai cop made by a german dresher director who saw a lot of 80s movie since about a cop from san diego who comes from los angeles. it's a lot of -- heads are chopped off in the movie. there's a lot of just swimming. there's a lot of moments, you go in the pool, not a nice pool, a pool at a motel complex. they couldn't afford a nice pool. they clearly shot in someone's house where they couldn't break the window so they're having a big gunfight and people are gingerly opening the windows.

closing it down. >> stephen: have you ever seen a movie called "maniac cop?" >> paul: oh, yes. those are the best. spirits. my side and a double feature back in the '80s. i went to drive in chicago on a saw a double feature of "colors." sean penn, robert duvall. crips and bloods. i thought in double feature with "maniac cop" which also takes place in los angeles. >> paul: it's a weird pairing. >> stephen: until you are late for the first movies so you only see the second half of "colors." then you see all of "maniac cop" and then you stick around to watch the first half of "colors again" and all you can think of is "you know they need? they need a maniac cop." >> paul: let's get that maniac cop in here. >> stephen: you should do "maniac cop." >> paul: i would. you should be a guest. >> stephen: i would love to be

a guest. >> paul: considered book. >> stephen: your book, as i said, "joyful recollections of trauma." you write about, in your early days at the upright citizens brigade which is a storied improv theater. first in chicago and then in new york and los angeles. what were those early days like when you were first improvising? did it have a space? the back of restaurants? >> paul: we had to convert an old strip club into a comedy theater. which is a disgusting thing, if you ever have to do that. painting the walls, finding things stuffed into the walls. really upsetting. and when we first started doing shows there, people would come in but i guess they didn't get the word out to the strip club audience and became a comedy theater. so 2 minutes into a show, people are like all right, i'm out. it wasn't because they show wasn't good. we just weren't naked enough.

>> stephen: enough. >> paul: enough. >> stephen: what are some of your favorite shows that you remember? when i would get up on stage for any reason when i was a young performer, any excuse to get on stage. did you have any great disasters or anything that was particularly memorable to you? >> paul: it's tricky. you're doing comedy. you want your parents to see you in the best light and i wanted to bring them to one of the best shows and we did a halloween show. the premise was, it was like the movie "saw," huber bloody, meets "the gallagher show." the guy splashing the watermelons. throughout the show similar to get brutally killed and the blood would spring to the audience. i think about that when i invited my mom. my mom came, prim and proper to see a comedy show. as someone's intestines are being ripped out of their belly, blood is being flung around him i saw my mom with blood across

her face. >> stephen: is that what this is? i was wondering what this was for. >> paul: this is "kilgore." some of the blood that we have there. the entire theater was covered in tarp because we basically mixed red dye and chocolate sauce. my mom, that was the last time my mom came to that theater. >> stephen: you also have a chapter in here about celebrities that you run into. >> paul: yeah. >> stephen: here in your? >> paul: everywhere. you bring up a local run into." i am most literally ran into the celebrity. i had a car in new york city which is a great idea in theory into a have to move it every 5 minutes because you can't stay parked in any spot. i was moving my car is sitting at the same way forever, gridlocked, inching up my car. this bicyclist, i jam on my brakes. i don't hit him but i'm close, very close. he takes off his helmet, slams

his helmet down on my hood and starts saying "what the hell are you doing question request when he yells at me. i'm scared but i look at him that i go "oh, my god, that's lou reed." >> stephen: lou reed? >> paul: lou reed is going off on me. i mean... filthy. i almost put the leader of the velvet underground in the gr ground. >> stephen: underground. >> paul: put them underground. [applause] >> stephen: all those stories and more in "joyful recollections of trauma," on sale now. it's paul scheer, eveyrbody. we'll be right back with a performance from the cast of the broadway hit "merrily we roll along."

>> stephen: they are nominated for seven tony awards this year. performing "old friends" from broadway's "merrily we roll along," lindsay mendez, daniel radcliffe, and jonathan groff. [cheers and applause] ♪ here's to us ♪ ♪ who's like us? ♪ ♪ damn few ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ hey, old friend ♪ ♪ are you okay, old friend? ♪ ♪ what do you say, old friend? ♪ ♪ are we or are we unique? ♪ ♪ time goes by ♪ ♪ everything else ♪ ♪ keeps changing ♪ ♪ you and i ♪ ♪ we get continued next week ♪ ♪ most friends fade ♪ ♪ or they don't make the grade ♪ ♪ new ones are quickly made ♪ ♪ and in a pinch ♪ ♪ sure, they'll do ♪ ♪ but us, old friend ♪ ♪ what's to discuss, ♪ ♪ old friend? ♪ ♪ here's to us ♪ ♪ who's like us? ♪

♪ damn few! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ so, old friends ♪ ♪ fill me in slow, old friend ♪ ♪ start from hello, old friend ♪ ♪ i want the when, where, ♪ ♪ and how ♪ ♪ old friends ♪ ♪ do tend to become old habit ♪ ♪ never knew ♪ ♪ how much i missed you ♪ ♪ 'til now ♪ ♪ most friends fade ♪ ♪ or they don't make the grade ♪ ♪ new ones are quickly made ♪ ♪ some of them ♪ ♪ worth something, too ♪ ♪ but us, old friends ♪ ♪ what's to discuss, ♪ ♪ old friends? ♪ ♪ tell you somethin' ♪ ♪ good friends point out ♪ ♪ your lies ♪ ♪ whereas old friends live ♪ ♪ and let live ♪ ♪ goofriends like and advise ♪ ♪ whereas old friends love ♪ ♪ and forgive ♪

♪ and old friends let you ♪ ♪ go your own way ♪ ♪ help you find your own way ♪ ♪ let you off ♪ ♪ when you're wrong ♪ ♪ if you're wrong ♪ ♪ when you're wrong ♪ ♪ right or wrong ♪ ♪ the point is ♪ ♪ old friends shouldn't care ♪ ♪ if you're wrong ♪ ♪ should, but not for too long ♪ ♪ what's too long? ♪ ♪ if you're wrong! ♪ ♪ when you're wrong! ♪ ♪ the thing is ♪ ♪ old friends ♪ ♪ do leave their brands on you ♪ ♪ but old friends ♪ ♪ shouldn't compete ♪ ♪ old friends ♪ ♪ don't make demands on you ♪ ♪ should make demands on you ♪ ♪ well, don't make demands ♪ ♪ you can't meet ♪ ♪ well, what's the ♪ ♪ point of demands ♪ ♪ you can meet? ♪ ♪ well, there's a time ♪ ♪ for demands ♪ ♪ whether you meet them or not ♪ [arguing] your way and the wrong way. ♪ hey, old friends ♪ ♪ how do we stay old friends? ♪ ♪ who is to say, old friends ♪

♪ how an old friendship ♪ ♪ survives? ♪ ♪ one day chums ♪ ♪ having a laugh a minute ♪ ♪ one day comes ♪ ♪ and they're a part ♪ ♪ of your lives ♪ ♪ new friends pour ♪ ♪ through the revolving door ♪ ♪ maybe there's one ♪ ♪ that's more ♪ ♪ if you find one, that'll do ♪ ♪ but us, old friends ♪ ♪ what's to discuss ♪ ♪ old friends? ♪ ♪ here's to us ♪ ♪ who's like us? ♪ ♪ two old friends ♪ ♪ fewer won't do, old friends ♪ ♪ gotta have two old friends ♪ ♪ helping you balance along ♪ ♪ one upbraids you ♪ ♪ for your faults and fancies ♪ ♪ one persuades you ♪ ♪ that the other one's wrong ♪ ♪ most friends fade ♪ ♪ or they don't make the grade ♪ ♪ new ones are quickly made ♪

♪ perfect as long as ♪ ♪ they're new ♪ ♪ but us, old friends ♪ ♪ what's to discuss, ♪ ♪ old friends? ♪ ♪ here's to us! ♪ ♪ who's like us? ♪ ♪ damn few! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: the show runs through july 7th! "merrily we roll along," everybody. now stick around for taylor tomlinson and her panelists ben delacreme, rory scovel, and harvey guillen. good night!