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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 23, 2024 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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you can't talk. all you got to do is nothing. the person whose heart rate stayed the steadiest wins the trophy. people as young as second-grade up to someone in their 60s. >> okay. >> can you do this? >> i can sit still. yeah. i am pretty good at that. >> i would be out in 20. it is is not falling asleep. >> it is not eating and not talking fo me. clean >> former u.n. ambassador nikki haley said yesterday that she does plan to vote for trump in november. >> i will be voting for trump. >> this, despite saying just a few months ago, that's he didn't deserve to have a driver's license, let alone be president again. >> the following ad has been paid for by whoever owns nikki haley. >> as a voter, i put my priorities on a president who's
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not qualified to be the president of the united states, a president who was trying to buddy up with putin. every time he was in the same room with him, he got weak in the knees. a president who was confused when he said that biden was going to run us into world war ii. trump has gotten more unstable and unhinged. thin-skinned and easily distracted. chaos follows him. he's never known how to sacrifice and the most harm he's ever possibly had is getting hit by a golf when he's sitting in a golf cart. that's the truth. i'm nikki haley, and i will be voting for a convicted criminal. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert"! tonight... the stoned age! plus, stephen welcomes chris hemsworth! and james dyson! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater
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in new york city, it's stephen colbert! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> stephen: oh! welcome home. welcome one and all in here, out there, all the ships at sea. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it's memorial day weekend! the unofficial start of summer. so if you're still waiting to hit the gym to get that beach body, you've got about 24 minutes. try huffing ozempic. people are expected to travel
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in record-breaking numbers. over the next week, evidently, tsa predicts it will screen more than 18 million travelers. okay, so is it, um, i forget. is it laptops in, shoes off? laptops out, shoes on? just to be safe, i'm gonna put my laptop in my shoes. there's also news for folks flyin' high on the ground because according to a new study, daily marijuana use has now outpaced daily drinking in the u.s. [cheering] here's the thing. this just came out. some may be surprised by this, but as a new yorker, i am not. i smoke weed every single day, whether i want to or not, on the sidewalk, literally everywhere i go. [laughter] now remember, this is daily or near-daily use. 'cause in overall numbers,
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alcohol is still more widely used. so, congratulations, weekend binge drinkers. you still have the biggest problem. even so, even though in overall number they're way out ahead, this news has alcohol makers worried. they've changed their standard disclaimer from "please drink responsibly" to "please drink." i think we all might need a drink, because i'm about to talk about the supreme court. [booing] specifically, supreme court justice and... [booing] and bowling ball who sees those fingers comin', samuel alito. you'll recall, alito got into some trouble when people found out that after january 6th, he displayed a symbol of the "stop the steal" movement, by flying an upside-down american flag outside his house.
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alito took the high road and blamed his wife for this. controversy over. and started again. because we've now learned that a second flag carried by january 6th rioters was displayed outside a different house owned by justice alito. that's right, a second flag at a second home. alito's second wife better watch her back. [applause] the flag in question was a pro-trump symbol carried by many rioters at the capitol and that specifically supports a push to remake american government in christian terms and is called the "appeal to heaven" flag. here's a clear shot of what the flag looks like. oh, my god. if that's a symbol of right-wing extremism, i think my cab driver this morning was radicalized! i just...
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watch out. just be careful. just be careful out there! according to the new york times, the flag flew for several days at alito's vacation home on the jersey shore. we actually have footage of one of his neighbors reacting to the flag. >> i never seen that before. that's a, i think that's a problem. [laughter] >> stephen: thank you, citizen. the "appeal to heaven" flag is not a new flag. it was first carried during the american revolution, but it's more recently been co-opted by christian nationalists, specifically championed by a right-wing christian author named dutch sheets. dutch sheets, of course, named after someone who's been hit in the head with a brick trying to remember the name of ikea. "we gotta go to the place, uh, the dutch one with the sheets. after that, i think we should go to the hospital." we liked the name dutch sheets
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so much that we have another joke we want to do. "dutch sheets," of course also what it's called when you fart over the covers. >> louis: hey. >> stephen: thank you. thank you. thank you. peabody, please. mr. sheets made it his mission to promote this flag among right-wing nutjobulists, and it's working because speaker mike johnson has also hung the flag outside his office. when asked about it, he sai: "it's george washington's flag. it has nothing to do with stop the steal." yes, it does! when a nearly forgotten symbol is brought back and widely co-opted, you don't get to use it in the old way. if a guy named "brandon" says, "actually, this swastika above my bed is referring to the ancient sanskrit symbol for good luck," he's a nazi, cheryl! get out of there! [applause]
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i don't care if his haircut is crisp. you know, the crisp haircut. besides, mike johnson is a political figure. it's one thing if he wants to fly the team flag. sam alito keeps saying that everyone on the supreme court is completely unbiased and non-political! i mean, there's nothing wrong if aaron judge wears a yankees jersey, but it's different if the umpire does it! balls and strikes, right? balls and strikes. [applause] speaking of team players, former u.n. ambassador and mom at the wedding who tried one of your cousin's special gummy bears, nikki haley. haley suspended her presidential campaign in march, but she refused to cave to the maga mob and did not bend the knee to donald trump. she stayed strong! until yesterday, when haley said she's voting for trump in november.
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[booing] yeah, she folded like a paper plate on chili night! haley announced her secret ballot in response to this question at an event in d.c. >> who do you think would do a better job in the white house, joe biden or donald trump? >> as a voter... >> stephen: oh, that is the energy of a woman whose husband just asked "honey, do you think i can wear the jean jacket with my jeans?" [laughter] "as a voter..." fresh off winning haley's vote, trump did an interview with a right-wing radio show co-hosted by new york grocery store billionaire john catsimatidis, who, as you can see, modeled his look after his favorite deli counter item, boar's head ham. catsimatidis? catsimatidis?
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clean that up. trump spent 20 minutes rambling a bunch of nonsense, including the idea that biden might drop out of the race. >> i doubt he will even be running. frankly, i just can't even imagine it. >> stephen: "i can't even imagine it. i mean, i can't. and i've got a lot of great imagination. watch, i'll imagine some stuff right now. okay, hold on. okay, i'm seeing a hot dog, i'm seeing a hot dog. there's another hot dog. what's that? is that a sports car? nope, it's the weiner mobile. everything is a hot dog. it's hot dog day. not a bad day." [applause] really? really? you guys. you guys are a cheap date.
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i like it. [cheers and applause] trump complained about a request that he says biden's team made for their upcoming presidential debate. >> we have a debate. i hear now we're sitting at tables. i don't want to sit at a table. i said no, let's stand. but they want to sit at a table. so we'll be sitting at a table. >> stephen: i can see why he would want to stand. 'cause you sit him at a table and two minutes later, he is out cold. [applause] of course, the biggest news out of the trump campaign this week was trump's social media account sharing a campaign video with a headline about a "unified reich." yes, "unified reich." the most fascist presidential ad since dwight eisenhower's ike leich reich!
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[laughter] it's a good look. the trump team eventually took down the video and blamed it on a junior staffer. well, it's now being reported that staffe is trump campaign aide and antique doll that moves closer every time you look away, natalie harp. apparently, harp helps run trump's truth social account, but she's got an even more important job. you know those weird pieces of paper that trump carries around and then reads flattering quotes about him from? those come from harp, because she carries a portable printer to quickly provide trump with hard copies of mood-boosting news articles. and when she really needs his attention, she prints the positive news directly on a slice of bologna. "that's nice. that's nice. there you go.
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you know if this feels like? flat hot dog." this job has earned harp the nickname "the human printer." i think it's pathetic that it's somebody's entire job to provide the big man with ego-boosting compliments. thankfully, i am the kind of secure, confident boss who doesn't need that. at least that's what they're saying in all my print-outs. right, maya? [laughter] come on! look sharp! look sharp, maya! daddy needs his happy page! >> maya: congratulations, sir. >> stephen: ah-ha! yes, another piece of great news about me. "stephen colbert is preapproved for the amtrak guest rewards preferred mastercard." [cheers and applause] maya, everybody! get out!
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we got a great show for you tonight! my guests are chris hemsworth and inventor james dyson! but when we come back, "meanwhile"! join us, won't you? ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored by mike's hard lemonade. hard days deserve a hard lemonade. please drink responsibly.
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♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: louis cato and "the late show" band, everybody. louis, louis. >> louis: oh, stephen. >> stephen: this is the last show of the spring before we rocket into the summer. please tell everybody who you've been graced with joining you on stage this week. >> louis: oh, my gosh, we have angie swan and three-time grammy nominated lakecia benjamin.
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>> stephen: lakecia, tell me what's going on here. >> that's my new record coming out july 12th. [applause] 's view on the album is called "phoenix reimagined" out july 1. lakecia benjamin, everybody. and angie swan. thank you for being here. folks, if you watch the show, you know i spend most of my time right over there harvesting the finest jalisco news agave from the atotonilco story highlands which i distill twice in the most topical copper pots, then have it gently matured in french limousin oak casks by multi-generational agaveros to create for you the complex and refined cierto reserve extra anejo tequila that is my monologue. but sometimes, sometimes, folks, i am fished out of a canal by a one-eyed garbage scow captain
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where i scrape apple cores and trash juice into a discarded bike helmet, then let it sit next to the boiler until i can chug the mind-altering bilge rot of news that is my segment... >> "meanwhile"! [cheers and applause] >> stephen: oh, mine. that's the only cocktail i need. the only libation daddy needs. meanwhile, a new journalistic investigation went "inside the penis-filler boom." "penis filler boom," by the way, is the scientific term for the sound produced when you overdo it with the penis filler. [laughter] apparently, a growing number of men are turning to fillers to expand their girth, specifically using hyaluronic acid, which explains neutrogena's new night cream, "i dunno, just rub it on your junk?"
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hyaluronic? hyaluronic. hya! meanwhile, "the mount everest record just got broken again" because "sherpa guide kami rita is up to 30 ascents now." look at that. there's kami. he looks mildly pleased and definitely over it. "yeah, i'm good. did it again. my kneecaps are now ritz crackers. uh, if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna go set the record for 'most not doing that again.'" even more impressive than the number of ascents is that he hit this record as a 54-year-old! damn! summiting everest for the 30th time at 54! i need a nap after i summit the staircase to the jamba juice. why did they build it at that altitude? meanwhile, in new reality show news, "hulu's 'virgin island,' will be a dating show
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for celibates." "virgin island," also the theme of the pizza party i threw myself instead of going to my prom. [cheers and applause] loneliness under the sea. apparently, the idea is the show will host a bunch of hot virgins at an island resort, where they will look for "the one." good for them. it is so refreshing that in this time of meaningless hook-up culture, there are still people who believe that there is something sacred about the act and want to save it for that very special streaming series with limited commercial interruptions courtesy of white claw. no law in the claw. regardless of the criticism, everyone agrees, "virgin island" is quite a step up from their previous offering, "dry-hump peninsula." [laughter] meanwhile, an upcoming auction of movie memorabilia features
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the iconic ark of the covenant prototype used in the making of "raiders of the lost ark," which is expected to fetch between $50,000 and $70,000. and i'm being told we have footage of the moment your wife finds out you spent your child's college fund on it. [screaming] found out. meanwhile, wendy's will now sell you a 50-nugget bucket. fun fact: the bottom of the bucket comes with the number for the american heart association. we'll be right back with chris hemsworth. [cheers and applause] (♪♪) when life spells heartburn... how do you spell relief? r-o-l-a-i-d-s rolaids' dual-active formula
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begins to neutralize acid on contact. r-o-l-a-i-d-s spells relief. [ cellphone ringing ] phone call from the boss? sorry. outdoor time is me time. i hear that. that's why we protect all your vehicles here. but hey...nothing wrong with sticking it to the boss. ooooh, flo, you gonna take that? why would that concern me? because you're...the... aren't you the..? huh...we never actually discussed hierarchy. ok, why don't we just stick to letting dave know how much he can save when he bundles his home or auto with his boat or rv. wait, i thought jamie was the boss. [ laughter ] it's funny because i'm not boss material! whoa! how'd you get your teeth so white? you gotta use the right toothpaste! dr. c?! ♪♪ not all toothpastes whiten the same. crest 3d white removes 100% more stains for a noticeably whiter smile. new personal best. crest. to help protect from hiv, i prep without pills. with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! ladies and gentlemen. you know my first guest tonight as a god, but now, he's descended from valhalla to star in "furiosa: a mad max saga." please welcome to "the late show" chris hemsworth! [cheering]
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chris hemsworth, isn't that pleasant? lovely people. lovely people. [cheering] [cheering] i'm afraid that's all we have time for, chris, thanks so much for stopping by. lovely to have you by. first time i've had a chance to
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talk to you. longtime fan. you're a big old hollywood star. lived in los angeles for a while? you got to go to the mothership every so often. >> chris: the boat from australia. >> stephen: that's how you got the muscles, rowing. what i admire about you is that you came in, you made your mark and he went back to australia. that's lovely to be back where you're from. didyou want to be with your family, you like the people more? >> chris: i love the people here. i lived there for about ten years. my wife and i had kids and i just got a little nutty. we were running out of things to do with them. my kids are incredibly active. see when they are incredibly active. you might if i show this? i love this. that's your son jumping on a dirt bike. how old is he? >> chris: he's about seven then. that's his brother underneath him. >> stephen: that's when i was hoping. how old is the brother? >> chris: seven. they're twins. >> stephen: that's bonding.
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>> chris: the crash test dummy. has to be under the bike or sent down the jump first. we moved back to australia and we wanted to have more outdoor activities and so want to do with them. so we fished and serve. >> stephen: this is you and one of your boys. i assume that's the guide? a beautiful sailfish. that's big for sailfish. >> chris: it took us about four days to catch. >> stephen: wait, what? you hooked it. >> chris: i didn't realtor for days. >> stephen: old man of the s sea. >> chris: the tenacity and my son. he was obsessed. catching a big sailfish and we went five hours every day, three hours out in one direction, three hours back. eventually cop the fish on the fourth day. >> stephen: that's an amazing
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feeling. >> chris: we shared the load. it was an amazing -- it wasn't an amazing feeling, the sailfish leaks a defensive sort of oil. i didn't know at the time. i'll take my shirt off and get the photo. my wife was that, keep your shirt on. within three or four hours, i had like someone had poured battery acid across my chest. it blistered. my wife said "keep your bloody shirt on." >> stephen: the revenge of the deep. how long did it take to get the sailfish in? >> chris: a good 30 minutes. >> stephen: when an animal that they. i have been looking up to do a couple times, it feels like there's an angry volkswagen on the end of your line. it's almost a little scary how powerful they are. >> c>> chris: it's incredible. i kept thinking we had hooked onto a rock or something. there's nothing happening here. we are sharing it back and
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forth, me and the guide, the local fijian guy that was with us. every muscle in the body is shaking and twisting. you have nothing left. >> stephen: so you give it to her 7-year-old. >> chris: i gave it to my 7-year-old. reel him in as well. >> stephen: what's the most interesting you've done for adventure? it looks like you enjoy the adrenaline. >> chris: when i did shark week i had to go and dive with a bunch of grain nurse sharks. >> stephen: is that with this is? >> chris: this is it. >> stephen: is that you and the tank? >> chris: about 30 of these things. the first time nothing came through. and then we went back down. >> stephen: you dragged your child. >> chris: i drag my child to the middle of it. we sat down there. they can hear what i'm saying and they've told me to go sit at the bottom so i'm sitting down at the bottom and out of the
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darkness come 20, 30 of these things. they are bumping into me. one of the sharks swam by me and had like a spear out of the side of it. >> stephen: someday try to take it. >> chris: yeah. they can hear me. i said should i grab it? should i pull it out? i kind of went to and the camera guy starts doing this. afterwards, i went up and they said -- they are not managers but it would've ripped your arm off or pulling that out. it would've blamed me. lucky i have both arms. >> stephen: we have ttake a quick break. we'll be right back with more chris hemsworth, everybody. stick around. person and go big. like a million orders big. whatever the stage, businesses that grow grow with shopify. want to get the most out of one sheet?
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>> stephen: latest sentiment, we are back with the star of "furiosa," chris hemsworth. the new movie, "furiosa: a mad max saga," i thought on friday. speaking of your heart racing, i'm still recovering. can i give away that there's actually a little bit of "fury road" in it. i don't want to give anything away. >> chris: it's a prequel to "fury road." which park did you want to give away. should we whisper? [indistinct]
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oh, yeah. [crashing noises] "engine revving cl] here you are. here you are is your character, dr. dementus, a truly depraved guy, a great look. where did you get your inspiration? >> chris: the big one was the voice that got me into the headspace. we wanted something that was abrasive and disruptive and didn't sound like myself. >> stephen: he barks a lot of warders. >> chris: he barks. there was kind of a musicality to how it was written. i was looking at horse racing, terry cyanide show circus entertainers. step right up, step right up. my grandfather had spoken, hey, hey, hey.
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he was a lovely man but it was quite piercing. i was at the park one day with my kids. a big sign says don't feed the singles. of course we are feeding the singles. the siegel's, -- the siegel's, they are obnoxious and abrasive. very angry but not really threatening. i was talking to my wife, there is something about that reminds me of dr. dementus. so combining a few different things and then we have this hey, hey kind of voice. started to move the mechanics of the body in the nose. >> stephen: and big cape, like wings. >> chris: not that i base my entire performance on a seagull. >> stephen: we have a clip. what part of the movie. >> chris: this is towards the end of the film.
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furiosa played by anya taylor-joy gets taken from her home. it's her odyssey, her quest back home with myself trying to stop her doing so. we are warring against one another. this is where we finally kind of -- it all comes to a head. >> stephen: gym. speak remember me. >> happiness. you called out of a pitiless grave deeper than hell. no shame in hate. it's one of the great forces of nature.
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that was instinct. [applause] >> stephen: this is the fifth of the various iterations of the mad max universe so far. as an australian, this has got to be like a significant event for you to be part of something that is so culturally popular around the world but straight from an australian voice and an australian director, australian actors. one of the original things that introduce people certainly in the united states and around the world to a uniquely australian, certainly a post a post-apocalyptic story. what does "mad max" mean to australians? >> chris: americans have "star wars." the brits have harry potter. and we have "mad max." 45 years it's been running now. this world. it is --
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it was a dream come true. i grew up watching these films. my dad used two race motorbikes and raised a lot with the stone crew from the very first film. my dad is in this film. he is a little party in it. one of the writers from the film had a photograph of my dad with those guys 45 years ago. i'd grown up with the films. it is psychotically australian. george miller. >> stephen: what's he like as a director? he does these over the top spectacles that have changed filmmaking based upon the choices in his imagination that he makes real with these actors in these fight, these chase scenes. what's he like as a director? >> chris: incredible. he was a doctor before he was a director. >> stephen: and md? >> chris: a nurturing, kind way about him. lovely, inclusive. collaborating with everybody. checking and making sure everyone's okay and then creates the most violent, insane,
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bombastic, brutal world being the wasteland in the mad max series. he also made "happy feet" and "babe." the eclectic mix. his movie choices but also his personality to what he produces, to reconcile those, it makes me chuckle. >> stephen: chris, thanks so much for being here. lovely to meet you. "furiosa: a mad max saga" is in theaters tomorrow. chris hemsworth, everybody. we'll be right back with inventor james dyson. ♪ i wanna see all my friends at once ♪ ♪ [droids beeping] [loud indistinct chatter] ♪ [message received tone] ♪ ♪ i wanna see all my friends at once ♪ [find my chime] ♪ ♪ i wanna see all my friends at once ♪ ♪ [find my chime] [in unison] - hey! ♪
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plus, ask how to get up to an $800 prepaid card. call today! ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. [cheers and applause] welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a british inventor, entrepreneur, and philanthropist known around the world for making the vacuum cleaner sexy. he has just launched a new hair dryer. please welcome to "the late show," james dyson. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪
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nice to have you on. there aren't a lot of inventors out there who people can name off the top of their head. james dyson is one of them. i have a bone to pick with you before you get started. >> james: oh, dear. >> stephen: i don't know if anyone's warned you about this. the hand dryer things, one of those called? the air blades. they scrape the water, because the air goes fffshhhew like that. i first saw them in 2008 when i was in the u.k. with my family. my boys and i were in the men's room and rely, what is this? no explanation. i think you put your hands in it. it's a beautiful design. but when i pulled my hands out, because you put your hands in. they're wet. you pull them out. it scrapes it off t beautifully until he gets to your fingers. the guide doesn't recognize my hands were there and it leaves my fingers wet. i am forced to do this, go back
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and forth in full the electric eye with this dance i have to do. i accept your apology. you flew all the way from london to apologize. >> james: it was a lousy. [laughter] [musical flourish] >> stephen: why the first person to complain about that? >> james: yes. >> stephen: that's called an exclusive. i want to talk about your origin story. he went to art school. this is you. is it true the woman sitting next to you is your wife? >> james: yes. >> stephen: how did you go from this to hair dryers and vacuums? >> james: the principal at my college said you don't want to do painting pretty want to do design when i went to the royal college of art due to architecture. i discovered a wonderful man
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called buckminster fuller from american architect and inventor. geodesic dome. went to the realized engineering is more interesting than architecture. but buckminster was doing was crating this beautiful buildings of pure, pure engineering so i wanted to be an engineer. i did classics it school and i did classics. >> stephen: did you have to brush up on your math and science to do that? how does one go from art and such to engineering? >> james: i went to work for an engineering company so i learned the engineering process, the inventing process. >> stephen: you didn't have to have any engineering information to get hired by an engineering company? that's a very generous company. that really is. is this the first -- >> james: in fact they asked me to design a high-speed landing. >> stephen: this is the first thing that you designed.
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were you a boatman? >> james: no, didn't know anything about boats or glass fiber which is what it's made of. i was learning as i went on. >> stephen: was the successful? >> james: yeah, very successful. we sold hundreds of them around the world. it's still being made. >> stephen: wow. do you see yourself, do you see yourself as an inventor? >> james: yes but more a development of technology and designing and engineering of products than an inventor. people look at an inventor is a mad person on the shed working on their own and indeed i was that for quite a while. building my 5,001 over 27 prototypes. >> stephen: how many? >> james: 5,127 prototypes. 5,126 failures. i'm a man of failure. there is nothing wrong with failure, by the way. you learn from failure. if you succeed, you don't learn from it. you sort of walk away.
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>> stephen: i learn all the time. but we edit that part of the show out. >> james: also the wonderful thing about failure is that you're never satisfied. it's the life of dissatisfaction. you're always trying to do something better. >> stephen: what does this do? they plugged this information back here. what is this? does that make julienne fries? >> james: well, this looks after your scalp. what it does is as you put it closer to your head. it's a hair dryer. as you put it closer to her head, it reduces the heat so you can't fry your hair. >> stephen: how does it know how close it is? >> james: it's got a time-of-flight sensor in the middle. >> stephen: that thing right in the middle. >> james: the torpedo in the middle. it can tell whether it's looking at your head or not.
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[laughter] >> stephen: oh, wow. the closer it gets to your fa face... the cooler it gets. >> james: yeah, that's the ideas who don't fry your head and damage her hair and damage her scalp. and also it recognizes which attachment you put on it. you put the rough dryer on. that's what they call it. >> stephen: i like it rough. especially if i've had an unsatisfying hand job. >> james: exactly. there you go. >> stephen: i have to get to these because i can smell these from over there. you are not just an engineer. you also grow food. what do we have here? and why do you grow food? >> james: well, i worked on farms when i was young and i've always wanted to be a farmer. part time a farmer and these are
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all year-round strawberries. do try one. nice and zesty. >> stephen: that's a strawberry. can you get these in the united states? >> james: no, not yet. [laughter] >> stephen: welcome i wish i could share. thank you so much for being here. thank you very much. the supersonic nural is on sale now. james dyson, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪
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>> stepen: that's it for "the late show." now stick around for taylor tomlinson and her panelists marcella arguello, sarah tiana, and tom lennon. good night! ♪ ♪

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