that's racking up sales. >> your portfolio is intact. yeah, i don't know. maybe. but maybe not. >> you won't see me doing that. not in these suits. >> no, i mean. >> i kind of like the creativity of this. >> i do too, but i'll go to goodwill and buy a suit. >> i >> adult film star stormy daniels took the witness stand today at former president trump's criminal trial in new york. trump's team sought to exclude any discussion of the alleged sexual encounter which led to the so-called hush money payment. >> to celebrate stormy daniels testifying in the trump trial, porn hub has launched court hub, a series of adult legal films sure to add titillation

to your litigation. like "habeas boink-us," "if it teases the court," "missionary deposition," and "pro-boner." you'll bang your gavel so hard he'll need to take a five minute recess. >> i'll be watching. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert!" tonight... eye of the stormy. plus, stephen welcomes tiffany haddish and meredith scardino! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> stephen: splendid. thank you very much! you're very kind. please have a seat, everybody. welcome. welcome, ladies and gentlemen, one and all. down here, up there, out there, to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it was an historic day in the annals of american law. because this morning, stormy daniels took te stand to do what she does best and that's spank donald trump. the fireworks started before court was even called to order, right? because at 7:30 a.m., trump put up this now-deleted post. "i have just recently been told who the witness is today. this is unprecedented, no time for lawyers to prepare. no judge has ever run a trial in

such a biased and partisan way." wait a second. did he just say no time to prepare? it didn't occur to you or your lawyers that the stormy daniels hush money trial might involve an appearance by stormy daniels? that's like a cook at burger king saying, "oh, my god, someone just ordered a whopper! what do we do? i had all these kale caesars ready to go!" what if we fried them? trump's lawyers tried to prevent stormy from testifying today. before she took the stand, trump's team objected to her including any details of any sexual act, to which prosecutors promised details that are too salacious will not be admitted, and that in terms of the sexual act, it's not going to involve any description of genitalia. boo! [booing] we wanna hear about his itsy-bitsy, teeny-weenie,

those-aren't-polka-dots linguini! there you go. that makes sense? what we did get was a thorough retelling of their one night of passionate sexing, when trump and stormy became the celebrity couple "stumpy." i'm sorry. i forgot. not supposed to describe his genitalia. now, as super fans may recall, stormy met trump in 2006 at a celebrity golf tournament, when he was 60 and she was 27. stormy testified that trump "invited her to dinner through his bodyguard, and that once she arrived at his hotel, he emerged wearing silk or satin pajamas." enchante, my dear. feast your eyes on my slippery torso. are you ready for sex dinner? stormy took it in stride, asking him, "does mr. hefner know you stole his pajamas?"

"well, it was open casket, and they were up for grabs." really? okay. "like you know when you grab the tablecloth and the plates stay right there." stormy made trump change into real clothes, but they still didn't make it to dinner. instead, trump talked endlessly about himself and showed her a copy of a new magazine that featured him. stormy interrupted and said, "are you always this rude? you don't even know how to have a conversation." to which he responded, "i know i am, but what am i?" stormy then told trump that someone should slap him with the magazine, then she spanked him with it, quote, "right on the butt." there it is. his presidential legacy. forget the lincoln memorial. one day, schoolchildren will travel to washington, d.c. to see the trump monument.

now... nice. nice scale there. after the spanking, stormy said that they sat down to dinner in the hotel suite, where she asked about melania, and he told her not to worry because they didn't even sleep in the same room. "yes, we were having trouble falling asleep in the same bed, because she snores, and i bang porn stars." trump also paid stormy the ultimate compliment, telling her, "you remind me of my daughter." [gagging] at one point, trump asked stormy about venereal diseases in the adult industry, asking her if she ever had a bad test. 'cause i passed mine with flying colors. person, woman, man, camera, std. then dinner ended, stormy

went to the bathroom in trump's suite and saw a leather-looking toiletry bag. nope! again, we're not supposed to describe trump's genitalia! a dop kit? a dop kit i think they're called. when she came out of the bathroom, ready to leave, stormy found trump on the bed wearing only his boxers and a t-shirt, a moment she likened to a "jump scare." it's all in the new horror movie "saw: donald trump's penis." there we go. we are rolling now. we're rolling now. now we're going someplace. now we're moving. at the end of her testimony, trump's legal team moved for a mistrial, arguing that the testimony was overly prejudicial, and that the government was asking questions "to inflame this jury." and it is dangerous to inflame that jury.

do you know how much gas donald trump has released in that courtroom? so overall, overall, it was a tough day for trump, but at least it was made worse because eric trump was there. which means he finally learned about the birds and the bees. "objection, your honor. no, your honor, objection. there's no way that woman had sex with my daddy. 'cause she didn't once mention him giving her a special kiss to her belly button. 'cause that's where the baby comes out." previously on this trial -- yesterday, trump was threatened with jail time if he violated his gag order again. so he immediately made an appearance outside the court, refusing to be gagged. >> the gag order. you ask me a simple question, but i cannot talk about it. this judge has given me a gag order and said you will go to jail if you violate it and

frankly, our constitution is much more important than jail. it's not even close. i'll do that sacrifice any day. >> stephen: how 'bout tomorrow? [cheers and applause] now... there is somehow still more news about south dakota governor kristi noem, seen here making a hot dog. noem can't seem to escape the story that she killed her puppy. mostly because she won't stop shut up about it. last night, she went on fox news and was asked whether she regretted including the story in her book. >> everybody has known that story for years. in south dakota, they have used that story to attack me for years. i wanted people to know the truth. >> stephen: let me get this straight -- everyone who's heard this story has used it to attack you, so you made it the centerpiece of your book? reminds me of bill clinton's

presidential memoir, "my life bangin' interns." it's a good book. it's not just recreational puppy-cide. noem also continues to be called out for a passage in her book where she claims to have met north korean dictator kim jong-un, something which never happened. last night on "newsnation," noem was asked about the kim-jong-lie, and she rolled out this nifty new excuse. >> your spokesman told "politico" that the world's leaders names were conflated in the book. what does that even mean? >> i met with many world leaders. >> did you meet with kim jong un? >> some of them are in the book and some are not. >> why did you remove it? because it was untrue? >> this is something i'm not going to talk about. >> if you're taking out of the book, it's because it's untrue. >> i've given you my answer. no. >> stephen: the answer is the answer, which is the final answer, regis. i'd like to phone a friend. hello?

can you call in a bomb threat to 'newsnation.'" oh, this is juicy and dishy. last night was the met gala! [cheers and applause] glamour, glamour, glamour. every year, here in new york city, the met throws the most exclusive and opulent party. last night's theme was "the garden of time." based on a 1962 short story about elites living in a utopia of leisure, art, and beauty while an encroaching and chaotic mob draws nearer every hour. a little on the nose, guys. i'm guessing next year's theme is going to be: "ah! they've breached the doors! quick, hide behind the chagall!" let's take a look at the hot lewks. bad bunny stopped by on the way to puss n' boots' funeral, cardi b came as an elegant oil spill, and action star michelle yeoh made a dramatic escape from a jiffy pop. what? i'm being told in my deaf ear that we have urgent animal news

coming in. yes, we have "breaking zoos." [cheering] today's "breaking zoos" comes from china, where zoo-goers were outraged to discover the panda exhibit was actually dogs dyed black and white. of course, there's a simple explanation. the dogs are in a kristi noem protection program. "here she comes! i'm a panda! yum-yum! bamboo! nothin' to shoot here!" [cheers and applause] i'm in danger! let's take a look at these cleverly disguised canines. oooh. who's black and white and cute all over? you are! yes, you are! the zoo apologized for attempting to trick their customers and offered them a free visit to see their man-garoo. we got a great show for you tonight!

my guests are tiffany haddish and the creator of "girls5eva" meredith scardino. but when we come back, "meanwhile!" join us, won't you? ♪ ♪ >> announcer: "the late show with stephen colbert" sponsored by... booking.com. so i hired body doubles to help me out. splurgy tina loves a hotel near rodeo drive. oh tina! wild tina booked a farm stay to ride this horse. glenn close?! with millions of possibilities you can book whoever you want to be. that's my line!

booking.com booking.yeah to help protect from hiv, i prep without pills. with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. with one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. in studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. you must be hiv negative, to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. practice safer sex to reduce your risk. don't take apretude if you're allergic to it or taking certain medicines, as they may interact. tell your doctor if you've had liver or kidney problems or mental health concerns. if you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. some of the most common side effects include injection-site reactions and headache. you must receive apretude as scheduled. ask your doctor about long-acting apretude.

and prep without pills. save at apretude.com. whoa! how'd you get your teeth so white? you gotta use the right toothpaste! dr. c?! ♪♪ not all toothpastes whiten the same. crest 3d white removes 100% more stains for a noticeably whiter smile. new personal best. crest. when you put in the effort, but it starts to frizz... you skipped a step. tresemmé silk serum. use before styling for three days of weightlessly smooth hair that frizz can't beat. new tresemmé keratin smooth collection. marshalls buyers are detail obsessed perfectionists. who take quality very seriously. and go to the ends of the earth to hustle the best of the best for you. yes! we get the deals, you get the good stuff. marshalls. (♪♪) (♪♪) bounce back fast from heartburn with new tums gummy bites,

and love food back. (♪♪)

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: louis cato and "the late show" band, everybody! tonight, my friends, you are my friends. tonight is a festival of powerful and talented women. in just a moment, tiffany haddish will be out here. and then one of my favorite people in the world, incredibly funny, such a gifted comedian, meredith scardino will be out here.

she created "girls5eva." a wonderful person. folks, you know i spent most of my time over there on the news farm, choosing the most topical story cattle with certified pure tajima bloodlines, feeding them only whole crop silage for 900 days while massaging them daily and brushing their haircoat with sake to produce the succulent yet delicate tokusan matsusaka wagyu beef that is my monologue. but sometimes, just somestimes, folks, i fall out the back of a carjacked hearse where i use a busted hubcap to scrape some meat and fur off the blacktop which i let sit on a hot drainage grate until i can gnaw on the drifter's roadkill jerky of news that is my segment... >> "meanwhile!" >> stephen: that is a tasty treat. tasty, nutritious treat. arby's new menu items include a beyonce-inspired horsey sauce. you know arby's slogan, "we have the tremendous pressure to appear relevant in a crowded

media landscape." meanwhile, in hideous car news, new video has gone viral of a cybertruck owner who broke his finger trying to show that the vehicle is safe. jim? >> i will put it completely flat and see if it crushes my finger, because everybody is asking. >> stephen: oh. well, if everybody is asking, what choice do you have? quick question. what happens when you stick your dong in a hornet's nest? i mean, everybody's asking. and you've got a camera right there. now, because he "does his own research," he did make some preliminary scientific inquiries. >> first i am going to test it out with this stick. this is exactly what i am going to do with my finger. i'm gonna put it right there. and hopefully, my finger does not break like that. >> stephen: oh, i'm sorry. the correct answer is "it broke that stick, so i will not put my finger in there."

anyway, point proven, that thing is clearly very obviously going to hurt you if you stick your finger in it, so no need to find out, right? >> let's find out. let's give this another shot. we are closing the cybertruck. i am going to put my finger flat right here and see what happens. oh! oh! oh! >> stephen: congratulations. you've passed the test. you are now the new ceo of tesla. [applause] meanwhile, skittles is holding a contest that will provide the winner with a new york city apartment and pay their rent for a year. a candymaker with a contest where the prize is living in manhattan? it's just like the classic children's movie, "willy wonka and the rats! oh, god, the rats!" a lot of rats here. one lucky skittle enthusiast

will get to live in manhattan's first micro-unit apartment building in murray hill, all in celebration of the new candy, skittles littles. so, when you're jammed into your micro-unit, you can tell yourself, "i'm not urinating in the kitchen. i'm taking a skittles littles piddle by the griddle." [applause] so tiny. meanwhile, in kiddie nightmare news, a three-year-old in north carolina thought there was a monster in her wall, but it turned out to be just 50,000 bees. i feel bad for that kid, but even worse for the guy who had to count all the bees. "one, two. hold still!" one, two." meanwhile, in frozen treat surveillance news, a new mister softee tracking app locates every ice cream truck in new york city. which is great for us. maybe not so great for mister softee.

♪ ♪ >> my route is public knowledge. >> you cheating bastard. i just drove by to tell her how much i love you. >> for two hours? >> i love you so much, that is how long it took. >> is this why you can't get it up anymore? brenda gets your banana split and i get your sad, limp, mister softee. >> stephen: we'll be right back with tiffany haddish. ♪ ♪ to help protect from hiv, i prep without pills.

with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. with one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. in studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. you must be hiv negative, to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. practice safer sex to reduce your risk. don't take apretude if you're allergic to it or taking certain medicines, as they may interact. tell your doctor if you've had liver or kidney problems or mental health concerns. if you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. some of the most common side effects include injection-site reactions and headache. you must receive apretude as scheduled. ask your doctor about long-acting apretude. and prep without pills. save at apretude.com. bladder leak underwear has one job. i just want to feel protected!

especially for those sudden gush moments. always discreet protects like no other. with a rapid dry core that locks in your heaviest gush quickly for up to zero leaks. always discreet- the protection we deserve!

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, my friends, my first guest tonight is an emmy and grammy award-winning comedian you know from "girls trip" and her stand-up comedy specials. she has just written a new collection of essays called "i curse you with joy." please welcome back to "the late show,"

tiffany haddish! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ i like it. >> hi! your band is jammin'. >> stephen: i love that dress. it is like hugging a naugahyde couch. >> i know, but it's fake. >> stephen: it is? >> it don't smell like a real animal. smells like a mixture of something. >> stephen: nice to see you again. it has been too long since you have been here in person. >> five years. >> stephen: last time you were here, you brought billy crystal with you. you brought anothe man. >> i brought him through a zoom. i was saving my heart for you but then i ran into you at the emmys and there was your wife.

[laughter] >> stephen: i should have mentioned i was married. that's on me. i apologize. >> she was so nice. she called you mister softee. [laughter] >> stephen: how have you been? what's been going on? >> really good, just living life. >> stephen: you are trying this new thing, i hope i'm pronouncing it correctly: exercise. >> at first i was doing it back in the day before the pandemic. i was doing it for 20 to 30 minutes. now i am doing it for 50 minutes, waking up early in the morning, exercising for about 50 minutes, and then wash my ass and go back to sleep. >> stephen: wow, and go back to

you can go to sleep after being jacked up on the endorphins? anyways. i don't know if you know this about me, but i take naps in strange places. >> stephen: really? one of those people back and fall asleep whenever they want. if there's any point in one of my questions you want to not offer a second, i will not be offended. >> okay, good. >> stephen: you have a new book. [cheering] it's called "i curse you with joy" and first of all, i love that term. "i curse you with joy." what does that mean? >> i have saying it to audiences for years. at the end of the show i always say it. i put the title of that, because

i feel like with the internet, people are putting out all of this negativity and your words are so powerful. the first thing people know how to do is to learn how to spell. your words create energy and affect people. >> stephen: you mean like cast a spell? >> everything i speak, it has a power. don't you feel it? [cheering] >> stephen: i do feel it. >> i know you do. i feel like when you put words out into the universe, out in the world, on the internet or whatever, people put out these negative things and you put out bad energy and when i see that, it comes towards me. and i think they must be unhappy, they must not have joy, so i curse you with joy. you must be hurting. >> stephen: that is a very generous response to other people's negativity.

that's worth emulating. >> then i get on my page and call them all fat bitches. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: and then right back to bed. >> and then i have to curse myself with some joy. i am a human. i'm not perfect. >> stephen: you write about you didn't always have the confidence that you do now. you talk about gaining confidence. tell people how you gained that big tiff energy. >> i don't think i have confidence. i think i am courageous. i challenge myself. the big tiff energy, and you should read it, because if you had, then you would know. >> stephen: i do know but i want you to tell the story. i think it is more appropriate for you to tell the story. >> when i had the penis in my panties.

big tiff energy. >> stephen: you understand how it will be harder for me to say. >> i would love to hear you say that and i would say yes, i had a penis in my panties. not real, it was prosthetic. >> stephen: tell me about the time you had a prosthetic penis in your panties. >> i did this podcast. the host of the show gave me a prosthetic penis and it was kind of limp. it was my parting gift for being in a podcast. before fame. lots of limps. i put it on my dresser and i would go to the comedy club and i wasn't getting no respect and people were cool with me but not inviting me to do sets. it was a boys club and i did not get it. i put the prosthetic penis in my panties.

i started walking different. something about, smething about having a limp, you know, prosthetic penis in your panties. you move different and may be my you move different and may be my energy different. people were talking to me, saying do you want to come to dinner with us. when i was doing my comedy, it was bigger and better because i had a penis in my panties. i was ahead of my time. i was ahead of my time. >> stephen: when these people would hug you, how close were they? >> they couldn't feel it. they couldn't feel it. eye warrants a couple times with a skirt on justice seen. made sure. if it fell out, it would have been hilarious. >> stephen: do you recommend this? >> i walked different. i feel like i still carry that walk. if i am feeling low, it is like oh where your [bleep], where is your penis at? >> stephen: people asked me,

what would you be doing if this had worked out. >> if entertainment didn't work out for me, i would be a sex education teacher. i would be the best. i would teach about proper hygiene, the sounds your body makes that nobody tells you about. things i wish somebody would've told me. i thought my tiffnicity was broken. i thought she was broken. that's her name. tiffnicity. she don't stop, she don't quit. she is full of tenacity. tiffnicity. [laughter] >> stephen: what would it be if you were the world's greatest sex ed teacher, what would be on the final exam? >> hygiene. i think it's number one. selection. laying down with somebody is

a real powerful thing. i don't know about you men. i don't think you have souls anyway. as a woman. you can put your thing and anything it don't even bother you. >> stephen: a particularly soft clump of moss. [laughter] we have to take a quick break. we'll be back with more tiffany haddish. don't go anywhere. ♪ 'cause i feel it light up ♪ ♪ can you spark this fire? ♪ ♪ and watch me move ♪ ♪ ♪ for you ♪ ♪ move ♪ ♪ ♪ move ♪ ♪ and watch me move ♪ ♪ maybe you should settle down ♪ ♪ and watch me move ♪ sometimes jonah wrestles with falling asleep... ...so he takes zzzquil. the world's #1 sleep aid brand.

and wakes up feeling like himself. get the rest to be your best with non-habit forming zzzquil. ♪ ♪ whoah, woah, woah, woah. i have a delivery for athena. - do you know any athena? - i don't know any athena. - twist on it? - yeah. crème on the right, we let him in. ohh! welcome to troy! open the gate! thank you. to help protect from hiv, i prep without pills. with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. with one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. in studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. you must be hiv negative, to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. practice safer sex to reduce your risk. don't take apretude if you're allergic to it or taking certain medicines,

as they may interact. tell your doctor if you've had liver or kidney problems or mental health concerns. if you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away. serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. some of the most common side effects include injection-site reactions and headache. you must receive apretude as scheduled. ask your doctor about long-acting apretude. and prep without pills. save at apretude.com.

>> stephen: hey, everybody! we are back with the author of "i curse you with joy." the lovely, the talented ms. tiffany haddish. what about your love life? do you have time for that? >> no. c. no. i go on dates and stuff. i love a good free meal. i go on dates all the time. >> stephen: anything lately? >> i went to a brunch with a guy that was very nice and he was very attentive and kind to me and i like that. i don't necessarily want to let everybody in. i want to make sure they qualify to be inside of my tiffnicity. i need to check your credit score. i'm going to look at allah.

if you don't want to share your credit karma with me, i will find it, ein. >> stephen: employee identification number. >> you already know. i want to know you've had employees for a long time. you're probably a good leader. if you're going to be inside of me, that means you're a and i need you to be a good leader. >> stephen: would've the accurate for me just say you don't need no scrubs. >> i don't mind if he scrubs the kitchen floor. i don't mind it if he cleans. i like acts of service. >> stephen: you have a lot of revelations in this book about your relationship with your parents, what it's like to be black in america, the challenges having children of your own. why? are you comfortable sharing your life?

some performers marked their performers life and their personal life stays out of the public eye. >> i'm comfortable sharing it because i can be the only person in the world that's gone through these things. people see oh, you're a clebrity in your life is so perfect and amazing but it's not perfect. it's really hard and really difficult. i'm living in front of ever everybody. and it sucks some days and some days it is awesome but i want people to know you are not the only person going through crazy stuff, not the only one who made mistakes. and if you made mistakes, it doesn't mean you are not a good person and doesn't mean you can't be where you want to be in life. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: tiffany, thank you for being here. it is always good to talk to you. "i curse you with joy" is on sale now. the young lady is tiffany haddish, everybody. we'll be right back with the creator of "girls5eva," meredith scardino.

♪ ♪ (screams) bleeding gums are serious, jamie. dr. garcia? woah. they're a sign of bacterial infection. crest gum detoxify's antibacterial fluoride works below the gumline to help heal gums and stop bleeding. crest saves the day. crest. [ cellphone ringing ] phone call from the boss? sorry. outdoor time is me time. crest saves the day. sticking it to the boss, that sounds fun. we have sort of a flat hierarchy, so -- wait, flo isn't the boss? well, you could say i'm a boss at helping people save when they bundle. nope, thanks. we're not gonna say that. -i'd rather not. -very cringey. this is remington. ...he's a member of the family, for sure. we always fed them kibble— it just seemed like the thing to do. but ...he was getting picky we heard about the farmer's dog... and it was a complete transformation. his coat was so soft,

he had amazing energy. he was a completely different dog. it's a no-brainer that (remi) should have the most nutritious and delicious food possible. i'm investing in my dog's health and happiness. to help protect from hiv, i prep without pills. with apretude, a prescription medicine used to reduce the risk of hiv without daily prep pills. with one shot every other month, just 6 times a year. in studies, apretude was proven superior to a daily prep pill in reducing the risk of hiv. you must be hiv negative, to receive apretude and get tested before each injection. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. apretude does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections. practice safer sex to reduce your risk. don't take apretude if you're allergic to it or taking certain medicines, as they may interact. tell your doctor if you've had liver or kidney problems or mental health concerns. if you have a rash or other allergic reactions, stop apretude and get medical help right away.

serious side effects include allergic reactions, liver problems, and depression. some of the most common side effects include injection-site reactions and headache. you must receive apretude as scheduled. ask your doctor about long-acting apretude. and prep without pills. save at apretude.com. ♪♪ class clowns. old truck. more memories. less sugar. fewer net carbs. fewer calories. the best things in life start with just the right ingredients. better starts with breyers carbsmart.

♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey welcome back to "the late show." ladies and gentlemen, i have known my next guest since she was a writer on a little show called "the colbert report." now she's the creator and executive producer of the

netflix series "girls5eva." >> you are a relationship chameleon. >> you are a carbon copy. >> you are guangming. >> you don't even dress herself. >> i have dressed myself. wait. wait. wait. wait. oh, my god. i haven't. ever. >> what? not possible. >> no, you guys. my dad used to dress me like a doll. larry dressed me like horny virgin. >> it is time for you to just be yourself. >> myself? who even is myself? >> hey, queen. >> hey, king. no! damn it! >> stephen: please welcome meredith scardino.

♪ ♪ hi, scardino. >> i realize i don't know how to sit in these pants. >> stephen: have you never sat in them before? >> no, i was mostly standing. do i do this? >> stephen: both looked good. that is it! you just sank right into it. you are a natural. tell the people what "girls5eva" is. it is a hilarious show everyone should be watching. >> i agree. it's on netflix. there's three seasons. a third season just dropped. it's about a reunited one-hit wonder girl group. from the late '90s.

it's hilarious. many guest stars. >> stephen: i was one of the guest stars in the first season. i was thrilled. you called me and said would you do something and i said yes. >> you said yes before you even knew i created the show. >> stephen: i will do whatever you want. yes. >> it was amazing. he played a character -- a swedish producer. there he is. there he is. >> stephen: i really wanted -- be honest. you can be honest. we are old friends. what was i like to work with? >> you were very, very off-book. so off-book. >> stephen: that is the second nicest thing you could have said. >> what is the first nice thing i could have said? >> stephen: funny. >> oh, no!

of course you were hilarious. you were the funniest person. you were hilarious and we only had you for one day because of your insane schedule. we had to shoot 18 pages in one day so we had a zillion cameras covering the thing. you had a steel trap memory. and you were fully off book, hilarious. one thing that was funny, we were scrambling to find somebody who could coach you on the swedish accent. >> stephen: there were swedish words in there i had to say. >> exactly. i found a writer's assistant who had a great-aunt and they got this lady on the phone to tell stephen how to announce a few things. i went to a dressing room. and i said i got this lady who can talk to you and you go, "it's okay, i called alexander skarsgard." >> stephen: he called me back from stockholm and read the entire script to me. that's how nice he is.

>> i was like, your life is very weird. >> stephen: it is. i've known you a long time. you know i admire your comedy immensely. at what point did you go, this is what i am going to do with my life? >> when i was very young, i was the youngest, just like you. i feel like nobody pays attention to the youngest. i had unfettered access to television. i was raised free range. i loved comedy. i watched everything i could watch. reruns of "snl." i would watch stand up the time. stand up spotlight on vh1. caroline's comedy hour. i absorbed comedy. i remember being a little kid, when i was maybe eight and i was in bed and i said, do you have what it takes to be in the world of comedy?

>> stephen: at eight? >> yes. i was laying there and i said give yourself a suggestion. cq can be funny about anything. and i thought dog. i gave my suggestion. and in my brain, i went "my dog, man. my dog is crazy." and i was like, you've got it. >> stephen: you are your own best audience, too. that is fantastic. how long were you at the report? >> six years. >> stephen: every day you'd come in with enormous energy. a pitching monster always with ideas. are there any favorites you had that made it to air? >> the whole style of the show is so fun. you wake up in the morning, you scroll the news. and you are in the shower

trying to think of something and even looking at the ticker on taxi tv. is there something i can pitch? then i would shout everything at you in one volume. some of the things i loved about the show, in the morning, you could pitch something that involved a puma. and then around 4:00, a lynx would show up because a puma is too dangerous. >> stephen: a very famous moment on the show. you wanted a mountain lion. you thought it would be funny if we had a mountain lion. and we found out it was $10,000 to erect the fence between the mountain lion and the audience, so we couldn't do it. my executive producer said one of his most famous quotes. "anything that might eat the audience is going to be expensive." i'm done with the things -- i didn't ask you some of these things because i know you too

well to ask you questions. anything on your mind before we go? >> can i tell you a story about my dad? i brought my parents to the first emmys. that i was part of the staff. >> stephen: the first year you wrote is the year we won the emmy and it's not a coincidence. >> that's sweet. i brought my parents and they loved it and they had a great time. we won. and i had the trophy, and my dad, who is a serial entrepreneur. he's had so many businesses. he's been in telecom, quarries, coal logs. everything. he is very scrappy. i am scrappy like him. he puts this pair of glasses on me, and he takes my picture. that's it.

he takes my picture and i am like, what's going on? he says we just need a picture of stephen colbert wearing these and you'd both make $1,000. i was like, what? he knew a guy with an eyeglass store and he told him he would get him a celebrity endorsement and i was like, i'm not asking stephen. >> stephen: tell frank to mail me the glasses. meredith, such a delight. i feel strange even shaking your hand. lovely to meet you. seasons one, two, and three of "girls5eva" are available on netflix. it's meredith scardino, everybody. we'll be right back!

♪ ♪ california sky ♪ ♪ todos alcanzamos las estrellas ♪ ♪ sunny state of mind ♪ ♪ flexin' all the time ♪ ♪ todo es dorado ♪ ♪ y nos gusta picante ♪ ♪ cause this place is caliente ♪ ♪ 'tamos enchilado ♪ ♪ feels so golden ♪ ♪ livin' in the golden state with you ♪ ♪ feels so golden ♪ ♪ vive en el estado dorado oooh ♪ ♪ we got that drip, drip, drip ♪ ♪ come take a sip, sip, sip ♪ ♪ feels so golden ♪ ♪ vive en el estado dorado ♪

>> stephen: good night! ♪ ♪