confused, put a candle on the patient, you need to light it, are you kidding me, no, no, what did you do in the fifth ward, why did the woman have a sore throat, so, i asked you to caress, so, i caressed you, i’m generally an affectionate guy. “i asked you to gargle, and you in this sense, yes in this, the woman has been complaining for the second hour that her throat hurts, she asks to gargle, you know, i can’t do it for 5 hours in a row, i’m not made of iron, and what’s in the sixth ward you did what, when the patient asked how long he had left to live, why did you immediately start?” “well, i wanted to cheer him up, pester him until

he was a thousand, and you, by the way, kicked me out of the ward after the third kick, if only i hadn’t kicked you out, a complete jerk or something, and why did you start a fight in the psychiatric ward, well , what there, there was such a story, you know, it means... three napoleons beat one kutuzov, i decided to restore historical justice, historical justice, and what did you do in the hospital department, why did you bring a woman in labor, well, i asked you to help, well, you came into the room with the phone they said, okay google, how to deliver a child, and what? and why,

out of fear, she gave birth to triplets 5 minutes later, although she was pregnant with one, that’s good, she will receive maternity capital, and what did you arrange in the seventh ward, what did you arrange, there is an old lady, well, she can’t see well, so she decided to read the newspaper, she asked you to take her to the light, well, as usual, not all the light bulbs turn on, one is near the bedside table, in the corridor, i asked, are you in the next light or this? ok, when she asked you to sing a bedtime lullaby, what did you sing to her? the earth is empty without you, and nothing is more fun couldn't sing? i can, goodbye, don’t promise anything! enough, the old lady

ran away from the hospital in what she was wearing, well, that’s good, she was paralyzed, at 3 o’clock they brought in a patient with an injury, so, i asked to give him a painkiller, i blew on the wound, that’s it, no, not that’s it, he also said, the cat is in pain, the dog is in pain, but matvey petrovich , born fifty-two years old, is not in pain, it helped, then i decided to give him a real painkiller, poured him a glass of alcohol, the patient immediately settled down, asked him to numb him three more times, you and i crazy, patient in the ward lies drunk, screaming songs all day. so that

’s good, he doesn’t even remember that he had an injury, but these are all seeds, and what did you do in the morgue? i have nothing to do with it, well , they brought my grandmother to the kingdom of heaven, but as usual we don’t have room in the morgue, we shouldn’t put her on the floor, i sat her on a chair, as you asked, the order for the autopsy was in her hand, that’s all. what couldn’t you come up with for me, so what? the cleaning lady came, saw the grandmother sitting in a chair, she said to her: raise your feet, she was silent, she saw a piece of paper in her hands, read it, realized that the one’s grandmother fainted, what’s so scary about that, the orderlies came and saw the cleaning lady lying on the floor. in my hands a piece of paper,

an order for an autopsy, they put the cleaning gurney in... they took me, well, what's scary about that, the pathologist came, just wanted to start, the cleaning lady woke up, opened her eyes and as soon as she died, raise your legs, so what's scary about that, no we have more than a pathologist, an anatomist, the psychiatric hospital was taken away, so... dear friend, you are unfit as a professional, you should not be allowed near the hospital, who only taught you medicine, no one, you this morning we ordered pizza, you charged 500

rubles. and there was no point in dragging me around this whole hospital, but i thought you were interns from the medical school, why didn’t you tell me before? and i liked it there, there is such a movement here , by the way, i saved so many patients, in short, you charged 500 rubles. for pizza, wait, where is the pizza? well, you know, by the way, i also worked all day, i ate it, ate it, yes, come here, idiot, be quiet, today you...

will tell me that you didn’t do it. so, a unique case, gentlemen. an extraordinary event once happened on our stage. a magical artist turned a rubber assistant into a musical instrument. imagine, our rubber assistant gave up

his profession and became a musician. and the audience shouted: “bravo, bravo, well done!” and she threw her caps into the air.

cejkowski.

“we will decide everything ourselves, between the two, no matter what happens, you are now threatening employees during performance, artist, on monday on rtr, you don’t need to make an appointment with him, it’s a joke. we should, we ’re starting, he’ll always help, we’ll train on how to walk correctly on ice,

will always tell you how to increase the reduced pressure, how an air freshener can lead to asthma, how to take medicine correctly, they will always support you, a bowl of macaroni and cheese, a pan of dumplings or a frying pan of fried potatoes for lard, a knitting needle. this is how i sleep as a child, but i don’t advise you to do this, a doctor you can trust 100% will make you happy, well, i can’t guarantee happiness, i’ll definitely improve your health, butcher doctor, tomorrow on rtr. this is for you, well, did you get some sleep, gentlemen,

just a minute, attention, today is a big day for us, a big holiday, dashing, it’s been a while since we haven’t seen you, cocky, white, well, you know, for every cool fighter he’ll find an even cooler one, fell in love with them, but who’s good for you, your wife or your boys, give up the stupid ones. questions now, they are still loved, you are responsible for your words, i am always responsible for my words, hero of my time, beauty, repin, the whole brigade, only on the platform we look. the floor is trembling, the resources are hay, big

changes have come, in the new season with a new renovation, with a slight movement of the hand, we are making three different functional zones from this absolutely faceless room, ideas are overflowing, we we want to turn the radiator into an art object, there will be plenty of surprises and a lot of work, plans are turning into projects before our eyes! i love plants, i'm actually a plant maniac. real stone flowers will soon bloom in our heroes' living room. after dismantling, much will become clear. and dreams become reality. how, look, let him into your home. big changes. every sunday on rtr. today, well, everything is ready, comrade driver, you can go, thank you,

lisa, what do you have to do with this with our neighbor, i forbid you to communicate with him, that is arseny can communicate with his sister, but that means i can’t communicate with dima, today he changed your tire, tomorrow he will invite you to a cafe, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow i will be left alone with the child in my arms, quickly get into the car before i change my mind, under one roof, today on rtl. our partnership with mikhail nikolaevich zadornov developed over many years in our youth. as a result, my repertoire included a huge number of monologues, filletons, stories, and skits written in a spirited manner. then misha saw my note a book where i wrote down everything funny on my way, my notes were a great success, and mikhail nikolaevich picked up this form from me, having learned certain rules, it is important in this

collection to choose the right witty quotes. and this is a lot of selection work, you need to rely on your natural sense of humor, i have my own collection, it’s called zadoring, i travel around the country, i see all sorts of such nonsense, my head is turned incorrectly, i warn you right away, i’m still a child when i was in school, you know, i took the students to look at the door of the director’s office, to which the director left a note, he went to the cemetery, i won’t come back. since childhood, or in our gym where physical education was held, there was an inscription: you can’t climb a rope without a mat, which means i’m saving up things like this, so to speak, i don’t know, probably, evgeniyvanovich, maybe i’ll start, yes , i often see the names of new companies, offices

or stores, and i want to ask why you call it that, well...

behind our folklore, it has become laconic and ironic, this is very nice, appeared some jokes, sayings, which did not exist in soviet times, by the way, like all people are brothers, all women are sisters, here is a saying, it’s good after a bath, especially the first month,

they come up with amazing things, even alcoholics joke about themselves and... here which is nice, send a fool for a bottle, he will bring one, pseudo-wise sayings coming from kozma prutkov, it is better to be blue in the hands than a duck under the bed, aphorisms that have appeared, any laroche foucauld will envy those who are looking for where legs grow, most often that's where it turns out. this amazing, it seemed that we were finished, but it seemed that it didn’t seem, naturally, the advertising plays out, it was imposed on the ears, so it plays out, if the last row is for kissing, what is happening in the projectionist’s booth, or the inscription on the tombstone

, not all yoghurts equally useful, the us congress received a statement from the teddy bear with whom bill clinton slept as a child, we did not receive a letter in which you ask for money. well done, mikhail nikolaevich, the advertisements i have seen alarm me, firstly, impotence - 100% guarantee. in general, i don’t understand everything with these 100%, especially we guarantee 100% weight loss, i like this, tell me, is it to the bones or all together? in front of the casino on arbat, win a million plus 5 years, in st. petersburg, here,

here is high literature, follow every word, we will cure alcoholism forever, discounts for regular customers, our product will make your hair grow right before your eyes. and i will draw your attention to an advertisement, all sorts of advertisements are being invented: a highly qualified surgeon will help a bad dancer. at the cemetery, picking flowers permitted only at one's own graves.

save your strength, save your strength, don’t tell me anything funny, don’t scare half-concrete ostriches at the zoo. this is. everything is invented by wits, here, by the way, the same thing is mine too, here, here is a phrase - this is a hitch for you, because this is obvious stupidity, oh, sorry, i didn’t mean to say that, well, really mikhail nikolaevich is spying on nonsense, i already said , curiosities, by the way, in our laughter-panpan these excerpts often appear as curiosities. in the section of curiosities, that means, misha, write it down, it’s in a menacing newspaper article, the police are not doing enough prostitution,

please, we are approaching the funny, this is already, this is already close, but not funny yet, i saw this in perm above the entrance to the monastery, the famous perm, above the entrance to the monastery. if you are tired of worldly life, enter these doors, someone from above attributed lipstick, and if you are not tired, call this phone, in general, evgeniy muganovich is right, what kind of life is visible in the country, behind this, it would seem stupid, but everything is visible, well, at the sosnovaya polyana railway station, st. petersburg, only to our man, with his crazy energy, this should be prohibited, trade on the tracks, categorically. it is forbidden, well, who else would think of it, to place goods on the tracks, then a train comes, remove the goods, the train has passed, put the goods back,

well, research protocols, intelligent investigators give me protocols to read, in which there are illiterate accused and even more so illiterate investigators after them they write down, well, for example, there i beat her with my fists, there, let’s say, and this is also a picture of russia. life in russia on march 8, now you can turn on your imagination, on march 8 he hit her on the head with a shovel, wait, that ’s not all, on march 9 she didn’t like it, and i was wounded three times, two of them fatally, as you like, and she gave me four blows between the legs and knocked out the trident, and i he raped her in a state of self-defense. and in the mouth of the corpse, now we turn off the imagination, that’s it, heavy artillery, i’m starting to tell you something funny,

turn it off, god forbid, it’s night, in the mouth of the air in the chest, take in the air now, take in, take in, in the mouth of the corpse, quietly, quietly, in in the mouth of a corpse, quietly, quietly, in the mouth of a corpse between the teeth, quietly, quietly, trupa, there was a big crotch between the teeth, listen, where do you get the strength from, you can say, in my opinion, we need to tell them hooliganism, just so that they leave, and the adrenaline remains here, on the seats, please, snippets from ours talkers, yesterday i was in my mercedes. i turned around so sharply that i saw my rear license plate. patient, wake up, it's time to take sleeping pills. what is the american name?

here we have chocolate, rodfront, it’s immediately clear what to eat, and they have popcorn, so everyone says, the film is for fools, for fools, but i like it. the new russian receives a message on his pager: dad, urgently bring polar bears to australia, otherwise i’ll fall asleep on geography, the girl on the radio calls and says: yesterday she found a wallet, there were 5,000 dollars, 618 marks, a business card in the name of garik marikyan, shvernik avenue 19. please play him some good song.

the next section is dialogues, but i love all kinds of dialogues. dyanka, what do you have with your pies? are you a parasite, you can’t read russian, it says pie without a nobody. honey, i want a pager with a vibrator. okay, honey, what's up? what should be built in? well, this is such minor hooliganism, a wife beats her husband with a rolling pin, you will drink, you will drink, the husband, enduring the beating, pour, pour, this is an advertisement, just at the entrance to the pool in sochi, valuables should be taken to the pool, valuables should be taken to the cloakroom, in wardrobe for the safety of valuables

. you don’t even have to finish, two words, announcements, two words, i felt it was funny, but i didn’t immediately understand why the announcement, we’re setting up banquets, either the lads wrote, or the cops, the devil knows, the sign in vladivostok, only our understand this, at the pointers, instant photo in the shooting range. i had a chance to eat in a canteen in yamburg, excuse me, the abbreviated name on the menu was the azu dish, azu from gov, i understand that it’s funny to you, it’s funny to you, yes, shame on you, but the caucasian has two price tags on the market,

caucasian, on one it says gov sausages, on the other... siv sausages, i say, i ate gov, i know, and siv, he says, you don’t understand, siv, i bought a lawn mower, i was so hysterical when i i started reading the instructions, now they are translating word for word from german, the first phrase is like a lawnmower, before mowing... will you let me work quietly or not? i didn’t finish, the first sentence: and here are three, and you won’t let me say the first one, before mowing, wash the grass with shampoo, let me finish, the second sentence, i ’m afraid to tell them, honestly, before mowing, i read to myself that should i do this before

mowing? remove small cattle from the thickets, but that’s not all, now take a breath in your chest, i’m taking it to read it, and you’re taking it out to exhale, don’t point the device at living people, quietly, let me finish, in avoiding entanglement of individual body parts on the moving part of the device. i ’ll check with one thing, now there are two, yes, listen, where do you get the power, we have an announcement in the entrance to krylatsky, a working entrance, don’t park cars, a fine, a dash with a shovel on the glass, our senior colleague smirnov

sokolsky. during the war he said: it is impossible to win the people who eat ice cream in thirty-degree frost, and the audience applauded, but... and i say, the people who have been laughing for how many 5 hours are impossible to win, this is my litter, here this is an ideal, but with him is love, in general he saved me, premiere on rtr. marry me, but i want to be a captain, in our village you won’t find a better groom, she has your character, stubborn as a ram, that the sea has chosen her, you can help, we

will definitely save her, who will she choose, come in a month we’ll sign you up, and that the decision is absolutely final, that you ’re rubbing next to me, will these still be my girls’ brains? listen, seryozha, maybe we were in a hurry with the wedding, maybe we were in a hurry, yes, it’s up to you to decide whether you will be my wife or not, what's the matter with me, a sailor, from monday on rtr.

made a wish, and i guessed it, plans, hopes, dreams,

everything changed at once, i killed my husband, and everyone should be responsible for their actions, something is wrong in her case, she is kind, she is warm-hearted, nothing, on our grind for ... my cherished wish will definitely come true, i love you, i want to be with you when the blasphemous flower blooms, today it’s snowing on rtl. wedding flowers, today in the studio hello andrey, only wedding songs are playing, a ring, a complex decoration, one

solution, how long have i been looking for you, how long have you been it was waiting for me, i think i haven’t danced so much for a long time, such an atmosphere, especially yes, i want love. misha, actually i’m volodya. raya knows everything. this is not life, this is the swaying of jets. to be continued, watch on monday on rtr.

there are a lot of rumors about chipping people in the future. it should be noted that it is difficult to stop technological progress. moves forward inexorably and nothing can stop him. one technical person told me: “you can’t imagine how in just 10-15 years a lot will change in our lives.” here's to for example, you arrive at the airport, having paid for your ticket by phone, you no longer have your suitcases scanned, you don’t show your documents, you’ve already been enlightened at the entrance and know who you are, what you’re carrying, they meet you, take your suitcase, nothing for you they say they lead you straight to the entrance to the plane or to the departure waiting area, but they already know everything about you, but somehow...

there was the internet, and if it had existed, protests would have started among the alarmists, and the provocateurs would have cleverly taken advantage of this, they began if there were rumors, we were being poisoned by mold, better sepsis and gangrene, in in the end, these diseases have always been sick, it is better to be without a leg than to die in a few years with two legs, but to be half a man, the other half a man with mold, electronic equipment. they still enter into life, but now they hang

bracelets on the leg or arm of a person under suspicion in order to keep track or know about him, i follow fashion every day, i want to be the most stylish, i go on hikes, but i don’t have enough money to buy, suddenly my mind . i already found the stash, how could he hide so much money, but now it’s not an easy task, how can i tell him about this, well, how can i say it, well, how can i say it, people who are structured this way cannot avoid a scandal for me, there will definitely be swearing, there will definitely be swearing, there will definitely be swearing. hello, my

beloved wife, marina sergeevna. hello, fedya, why are you talking so strangely? there's no face on you. fedya, what happened? today, marina sergeevna, i found myself in a very difficult, life... i would say, a delicate situation, sing, what other situation, well, you know, for 15 years now i have been working as a loader in a store, so in a word i won’t touch my pocket, well, i already know, yes, we have some kind of foul language, it’s just terrible, fedya, i remember, mom developed your favorite cup, so you swore at it like that, huh? poor mom left for sakhalin, even though she lived all

her life in kaliningrad, just to be away from herself, so tell me what happened, in general, today at work, yeah, a cast-iron battery flew into my foot from the top shelf, so i said about this, everything i think, even my colleagues’ ears are withered, all the milk on the shelves in the store has turned sour, there were these women, children, children immediately matured by 20 years, and the mothers, in general, called the police, they kept me in the monkey bar for 2 hours, they wanted to solder the mat in a public place, instead they put on a bracelet, well, well... nothing, cute, cute,

yes, this is nanotechnology, the latest developments, for every swear word he gives you an electric shock, fedya, poor thing, and how are you going to live now, you have five swear words out of four words, that’s why i i try to behave culturally, yeah, politely, here he is even words. i wrote out all sorts of cultural ones, i’ll read them now, well, how was your day, and me, and me? i found your stash in the bedroom under the baseboard, oh, my beloved wife, my beloved, what are you, oh, how wrong you are,

wrong, yes, my god! what a nuisance, do you want me to be electrocuted now, or what? honey, what are you doing, just don’t worry, please don’t worry, where is the money, marina, i spent it, that’s it, that’s it, well, this is a complete, complete failure, just a minute. god, what a lack of vision, i'm saddened, i have there are simply no words, but okay, no need, i ’ll tell you everything myself, yeah, ugh, fedya, i

bought new boots, ma. in a jar of stew, which stood in our refrigerator for 5 years, why did you do that, i’m stunned, yeah, i’m amazed, yeah, i’m speechless, that’s it. that's it, fedya, you understand,

this is the case, for boots and for a handbag, well, i really needed a new dress, then i found it, no need, marina, i need it, fedya, i need it, i found your stash, walled up in the wall in the hallway. oh, i want elzhiki in sour cream, and pickled ants eyebrows, kadenka, check out the couture dress,

this is the thing, this dress really needed diamond earrings, oh you, wow , oh you! wow, how i am overwhelmed with emotions, yeah, incredible, yeah, i’m not happy, i’m stunned and crushed, and how stunned and

crushed i was when, quite by accident, fedenka, i found your stash, which you hid from me for 10 years. hello, i'll come soon, i think we've already been electrocuted. although no, he’s alive, don’t come, although no, come anyway, i haven’t told him about the fur coat yet.

the phrase of the great director anatoly efros , rehearsal “my love,” is often repeated by actors. what are theater rehearsals like in real life? there are many different ones in the theater, table rehearsals. enclosures, home, editing, technical, run-through and, finally, dress rehearsals on stage; in musical theaters there are additionally orchestral rehearsals, accompanist rehearsals, solo, ensemble, choral, choreographic and so on. stanislavsky clarified that approximately 75% of what is done at a rehearsal is usually not included in the performance. i was surprised when i found out that...

would be held with us. so, gentlemen, marriage makers, getting married, let's begin the wedding rehearsal. cameraman, filming, the bride's exit. bride, you asked that a five-year-old girl carry the train of your long dress. unfortunately, there are no girls. the train will be carried by baba zina. she's just the brains of a five-year-old girl. once at the wedding they mistakenly tied her to a car instead of a doll, baba zina screamed at the entire

pavement, everyone let them go ahead, they thought she was coming soon, then the drunken groom confused her with the bride, in the morning baba zina woke up, happy, now she goes to all weddings regularly. so dirty, you are marrying off your daughter for the ninth time, young people, whoever is the first to wear this towel will be the head of the family, we are rehearsing, one,

two, congratulations, the head of the family will be two bazins, as you asked, you will have a live orchestra playing in the zaksa, really , the violinist got sick, the pianist went on a drinking binge, the trumpeter quit, so the march-mendel... she will play the drummer for you, he will play for the wedding for all 4 hours, then the groom takes the bride to the registration, go, just don’t worry, because we have a young registrar , she she herself is worried, she confuses everything, recently, instead of the bride and groom, she said, congratulations, you are wives and husband, so he corrected it, the wife and husband said.

gems, by the way, it’s better to take the photographs from the zaksa yourself, because recently the newlyweds were sent photographs, not weddings, but postcards with species of animals, the customers looked at them and said, how drunk we are, half of the guests are unrecognizable, after the kiss the bride, according to tradition, throws a wedding bouquet, the bouquet will be heavy, so when you throw it... shout, lie down, lie down, baba zin, why did you lie down, woman

zina, where did you see people lying on their backs like that? in the movie emmanuelle? when we leave the zaksa , we rehearse as if we were young, they hit the signs, they throw rice, we throw it, but we don’t throw it in packs, we print it out. no need to collect rice. next, the whole wedding comes to the figurines of cupid. well, so that there will be offspring, according to tradition, brides.

let's get into the wedding limousine, what limousine did you order? it’s clear, we all get into the oka wedding limousine, we go to memorable places, whoever doesn’t fit in the limousine will run behind, since the double rings from the car were stolen, baba zina will be installed on the roof of the limousine, wrapped, which means with multi-colored ribbons... after the walk they will show you the film runaway bride starring julie and some robert will offer korooki from the song dolphin fell in love with a mermaid for 3 days , metal caviar, now we are rehearsing a feast in a restaurant , please note, we specially

ordered a salad from soft vegetables so that the face... and now the culmination of the wedding, a festive fight, according to our belief, the angrier the fight, the more happiness the young people have, more happiness for you, groom, just an agreement, before the wedding night get drunk, otherwise baba zina won’t miss hers, she’s just waiting for this.

the sage said: when you lose something, be glad that you didn’t lose a lot, when you lost a lot, be glad that you didn’t lose everything. when you lose everything, be glad that you have nothing left to lose. you are free, if life has given a crack, wow, then pour out all your adversities there, boldly move on, you need to look for positivity everywhere, even if behind your back, they say all sorts of garbage about you, this is

good fertilizer, now it will be easier for you... to grow and develop. henry ford has one saying: when it seems like the whole world is against you, remember that the plane takes off against the wind. in a word, hume, of course, joins this whole flow of positive attitude, telling us, first of all, not to lose heart.

who we are, where we are going, what kind of country we are, what is our value, we have not changed, a russian person remains a russian person. for the russian world, for our past, i understand that such responsibility lies with me, this is my path, this is my life, my destiny, life and

destiny from monday to friday on rtr, love is when you look in one direction, look, look, look, look, look, let's see , look, well, look at the screen, look at me, carefully, look, look, agreement, sign, we sign simultaneously for 1, 2 , three, sign up, look, look, maybe we’ll go to my place, just watch a movie, please, introduction and roll call, without formation, i’m very glad that you came to visit me, how much tea have you drunk, how many stories? i was daring in a white tuxedo, and i start, then mark antolyevich disappears into the pile zakharov, and for me it was probably akin to

the appearance of christ to the people, how many secrets were told, i, as a man, a hunter of women, i like to attack, dad imagined that i would have a completely different husband, and how much more was ahead, i foresaw your destiny, now everything is only being fulfilled. i give up everything with joy, let's all wave our hands when everyone is at home with timur kizikov, on sunday on rtr, hello, i'm arseny, what's your name, what's next, you'll ride the bus with me all day, today, daughter, where is the world going, are you so calmly ready to accept that our son is dating a trolleybus driver? there is no more beautiful story in the world than the story of a neighbor and a neighbor, my son and your daughter, why he doesn’t suit you,

and their whole family doesn’t suit me, they played to spite their parents and that’s enough, maybe you are to harm, but i’m not, oh, things are under one roof, today on rtr. hello on the rossiya vesti tv channel, in the denis polanchukov studio and most importantly by this hour. russian troops destroyed two more american ones. patriot's launchers special operation zone, ammunition depots and ukrainian armed forces personnel are under attack.