- so how'd you guys hear about the position? - my--my mom. dwight called my house, but he didn't realize that i had already moveout, because my mom and i are quarrelling because i-i can't stay out of her stuff. - dwight'sy cousin, so i overhead him telling my brother mose about the job opportunity in the shower. - you were in the shower or he was in the shower? - everyone was in the shower. it's a cow shower, so there's, like, a ton of people in there. - so you guys all know dwight already? - i was his babysitter, and then we dated r a while. he was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby. - i knew you looked familiar. you used to pick up dwight from school. - u went to x-men school too? [exhales] - x-men school? - when i was young, i spent several years at a prite school where i was told

i would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. turned out it was a conman copying charles xavier's school for gifted youngsters frothe x-men comic books. took me years to figure out that it was con. some people never figured it out. - oh, i have a few powers. night hearing. dogs understand where i point. and our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation levi's. a lot of telemarketing. - i don't wanna sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. someone say something. - i said something when they were thinking of hiring jim. didn't work then. and now look what he's doing to us. - yeah, jim, this is all your fault. - h is it my fault? - here's an exercise for you, jim. imagine there are consequences to your actions. imagine the whole world does n revolve around this. there are others. - but it's dwight who's bringing in all the weirdos. - yeah, but, jim, dwight's a weirdo. we can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos.

we can blame a normal for creating a situation here a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos. - hey, i'm the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when jim's away. i'm in a position where i'm rooting for nate, and that just feels wrong. [sighs] forget it. i need to work on my mural. i have some pointy trees that i neeto round off.

so just go ahead and eat dinner without me, okay? yeah. love you, too. [ man on radio ] ...82 degrees by this afternoon. oh! hello? jimmy john's? [ tires screech, bell chimes ] you ordered immy john's? wow! that was fast. i would've been here sooner, but this traffic stinks. [ male announcer ] jimmy john's. order online at jimmyjohns.com. ♪

order online at jimmyjohns.com. - hey, jim, i thought our call was for later. - yeah, this is actually about the new sales guy. dwight has brought in a bunch of real weirdos. and i was wondering if i couldavsome input - this is dwight schrute. who am i speaking to? ann't lie. i can tell if you're lying. - hey, dwight. it's david. - david. - jim says he'd like

some say in the hiring process. - really? that's interesting. 'cause i was thinking th sin jim is only here part-time, he might not be as invested in the decision making process as someone like me who's here every day and, frankly, killing it lately. - i was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk, near my wife-- - jim, another thing. since we are gonna have to hire this junior sales associate to cover for you, i am going to have to pay you only for the days that you actually work. - oh. um-- - yeah. - okay. i can't say that that's not fair.. - sounds fair to me, david. - and i know we have a call scheduled for later - oh, yeah, so we'll just do that later. - no. why not do it now? - yeah. what's up, jim? - uh-- [cles that] well, it's about athlead. i'm sorry. does dwight have to be on this part of the phone call? - i'd love to be in the loop, david. - it's okay. go ahead, jim. - there's a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor-- - okay. jim, i'm gonna have to stop you right there. - yes, okay. bye.

- [whispers] i'd love to invest. - no, thanks. - i'd like to give you $100 million. [snickers] [phone ringing] - why you make trees into bushes? you don't make paper from bushes. - hide, they're giving out jobs upstairs. why don't you go up and get one? - thank you. - yeah. [hand dryer whirring] - whoops. - it's dense, like bread. [chip crunches] - dwight, you can't just hire someone 'cause they're your friend. - i'm not. these people are the best of the best. i find talent an attractive quality in a friend.

- they're freaks, dwight. all your friends are weirdos and freaks. - you know who else was a freak? spider-man. and he was also a hero. - your friends are like spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating. - man, how cool is it gonna be when i start working here? paintball fights at lunch. - mandatory paintball. uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch. wolf is hilarious. he has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. half of 'em, we were on the same team. oh, my god. how i screamed. ah, that goof. sell me this piece of paper. watch this. - do you want this paper? - i sure do. - it's not very good. - i will pay you whatever it takes. - i think i wanna keep it now. it must be pretty special if you want it so bad. - no, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. so here, just take my money. - stop trying to get my paper, buddy. okay? read my lips. it's over. - okay, good. that was great.

so, wow. you're still at the 570 number? - i am. - good. good, good. [sighs] nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps: hearing, vision, basic cognition. trevor is great, but i saw no fire in him today. and this is a guy who loves to start fires. troy is literally one of a kind. he's a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. and yet i'm hesitant. why i can't i pull the trigger on any of them? [groaning] no, no, no. i just need to tell them. i just need to tell them. [knock at door] - do you need to be changed? - i do that myself now. - mm. are you going to make a decision soon? i've been double-parked for five urs. i'm wondering if i should move my car. - no, you've been towed by now. they tow after about 45 minutes. - well, the joke's on them. i live right next to the tow yard.

all they did was save me some gas. - hey, man, we get how difficult this is. and no matter who you choose, we're still gonna be your friend. - yeah, whether it's me otroynderbridge, or gabor, or melvina-- - or none of you. hules] - yeah. you'd bring us all down here, put us through the wringer, and then choose none of us. - can you imagine how insulting that would be? the contempt that a person like that would have to have for you. - i wish iould hire all of you. - i could start monday. discover the feeling of fresh hydration with dial glycerin bar soap. dial healthier skin, healthier you. see our ad for a coupon in this sunday's paper.

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[ man ] adventure, it means taking chances. it means trying something new. [ woman ] just, that uncertainty of what's to come. [ man ] just kidding. ♪ can you please stop doing that? ♪ [ woman ] you walk outside in brooklyn, and it's cement and broken glass. and this is just like... the opposite of that. ♪ the opposite of that. - psst. jim.

jim? jim, turn around. jim, turn around. jim, turn around. - ahh, i love staring off in one direction. if i'm not looking south, i'm not livin'. that's what i always say. - just act natural. and i was thinking it's only fair that you help make this decision since they'll be sitting at your desk, next to your wife. - but you know i wouldn't hire y of these all-stars. - aah! god, that sucks! aah! what are you gonna do? i mean, it's your call. - nope. your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? not even gabor? - i guess i just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. i just couldn't icture any of them in the old gold and gray. - i knew it. you designed a uniform for dunder mifflin. - summer. winter.

jungle. formal. - well, i, for one, was amazed at how qualified everyone was. you? - yes. thank you. - amazed. and i gotta say, this was a tough decision. and we had to go with none of you. - i'm sorry? - what? this is such bullcrap! - well, you know, wallace put me in charge, so you have no say. - wow. so much crap. it's just a load of b.c. how could you do this to them? - too much now. - okay. - do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? because i only have the one, and i have a chili recipe on the back that i really wanna keep. - okay, this is an outrage. ugh! you know what? this is jim halpert's home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever. - that seems inconsiderate. - no. we get it. thanks so much for the opportunity, dwight. don't open any sspicious packages you may receive. no, wait. do open them.

totally safe. - guys, it wasn't up to me. rolf, come on. guys, it wn't my choice! i would've hired all of you! gabor, gabor. - wel my day'sshot. - yeah, it's that weird hour where it's too late to start a slow roast and too early for a swanson's. - i got it. paintball. - oh, that sounds awesome. can we wait till i get off work? - [yells] and what are we supposed to do until then? - okay. - let's just go, you guys. - yeah. no limit on weapons class, right? - all right. i think that went well. so, uh, if you just take a look at this, and then that'll print out-- hey. meet your new desk mate. - what's up, good-lookin'? - oh, cool. hey, clark. - trust me, this is the least of all evils. it took me all day to pull this off, so you should behrilled, considering. - i kinda liked my old desk mate. - okay. i'm really sorry i told the guys i'd be there for the board meeting.

- of course. - i'll call you when i get there. - all right. bye. - all right. take care of my wife. i will be back. [computer chimes] - hey, pam, i'm going to the kitchen. you want anything? - i'm good. - oh, hey, i'll take a coffee. - oh, i'm sorry. you gotta be this cool for coffee. - hey, dwight. wanna haze the new guy? - who, me? - us. - absolutely, i do. - [giggles] okay. okay, here. so the next time he goes to the bathroom, i'll distract him, you take that. - okay, yeah, i know what to do. okay. oh, that's great. - [shushes]

- [laughs] - aah! - no! - welcome to the club, pig! [laughs] - no, dwight! - aah! - no, it does matter who ends up sitting next to pam when i'm gone. the people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. i mean, because of where my dk was, i spent all those years looking at pam, and i fell in love. so, that stuff matters. definitely does. let's get together for the holidays. ♪ come on, people, now ♪ smile on your brother [ female announcer ] rich, creamy, breyers legendary vanilla. making holidays more delicious for over 140 years. making holidays more delicious these clorox wipes disinfect twice the surface of the "other brand." so what's that look like?

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>> michael, since it is your 15th anniversary at the company, i thought it might be appropriate to begin the festivities with a 15-minute round of applause. >> i like it. >> followed by a 15-minute moment of silence. >> i don't know. is it classy enough? >> jim, enough with thclassy, okay? >> i just feel like after 15 years at this company-- and bravo, by the way-- that we should celebrate with a very clasevent, a night to remember. >> i think you're right. this party has to have all the excitement, drama, and intrigue of my time here. >> and of course...classy. >> and classy, yeah. >> michael, you're just agreeing with him because he's wearing a tux. don't you see what he's doing here? >> last week, dwight sent out a memo about thdress code.

so this is me showing him that i'm taking it very seriously. >> oh, re's one. a string quartet playing classy-cal music. [sucking tongue] [sucking tongue] >> mm, you know... that's good, but it's not classy. i--i need something classy, lie the opening of a car dealership. >> that's it. or mr. peanut. >> yes! >> mr. peanut is not classy. >> he is-- >hes a regular peanut. he just happens to have a cane, a monocle, and a top hat. >> that's what makes him classy. >> okay, how about this: an ice scpture shaped like you, covered in chocolate-covered strawberries. [pam and jim ah] >> dwight... you're trying too hard, and that's just not classy. see, the thing abouclassy is it's a state of mind. >> well, i'm sorry, i just don't know what classy is then. >> okay, let's just try this one on for size-- and i apologize, because it's right off the top of my head-- an ice sculpture... of you, completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits. >> strawberries? >> that's inspired. >> i said that! [door slams]

>> not classy. >> not classy at all. >> declasse. >> french! classy. [cheerful music] ♪

>> hi, can i help you? >> yeah, i'm charles miner to see michael scott. >> sure. just one second, please. have a seat. >> okay. [phone ringing on intercom] >> yes? >> michael, there's a charles miner here to see you. >> miner? i hdly know her. hello? >> yeah, are you coming out now? >> uh-huh. [clicks] well, well, well, who have we here? [gasps] ah! it is prince charles miner.

at your service. everybody, this is sir charles miner. and he is the new vp for the northeast region, so just give it up for this big guy, right? give it up. [stilted applause] here he is. there he is. >> hey, hi. hi, everyone. >> wow! hold that thought! you know what, i want everybody to go into the break room, i have a little surprise for you. go ahead. you too. dwight, would you escort our guest in there? come on. here we go, don't be shy. don't be shy, you're one of us. [stage whisper] dwight, stall him a little bit. i'm going to get the fish. >> hey. >> yes? >> really wish you would've told me the new boss was coming in today. >> what? no, i didn't want to make everybody nervous. >> no, i mean, i could've brought a change of clothes. >> you look dynamite. what are you talkinabou very slick. okay, let me get the fish. >> originally founded in 1866, scranton quickly became one of pennsylvania's largest anthracite coal mining communities. >> surprise! there is nothing in here. the real surprise is in the conference room. let's go!

[thud] ah! god! okay, come on! come on! >> i'll finish it up later, but essentially what we're talking about is-- >> surprise! as you can e, turned the bagels from os into cs, for charles. >> thank you. >> took me all night. >> this is what you d last night? >> i met this guy at corporate last week, and we were just digging each other's vibe. i was totally grooving on him, and vice-versa. and besides, the last two people to have his job were jan and ryan. the former was my lover, and the latter my best friend. so who knows? i do. [imitating british accent] it's going to be mental. it's going to be mental. >> hey, how you doing? i'm jim halpert, from sales. >> hey. >> just wanted to say if you need anything, let me know. >> why are you wearing a tuxedo? >> i didn't think you'd notice. [chkleservously] it's funny actually, there's another salesman out here, dwight schrute, he sent out this memo as he always does,

and it was about professionalism in the workplace, and of course he singled me out. so i just had to mess with him. >> uhh... >> oh, you'd understand it if you'd read the memo, which i should probably get you. there's probably one in the...drawer. it was pretty crazy. but... not more crazy than wearing a at work, i grant you that. so, i'm gointo, uh... >> your name's jim? >> jim halpert, yep. just going o let you get back to it. so... >> he just had to wear his tux today. >> i thought it'd be funny. >> took him 40 minutes to get ready. >> all right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. accounting, front and center. come on up here, i'd like you to meet somebody. this is the accounting department. >> hey, i come from accounting, too. >> oh, nerd alert. this is oscar martinez. >> hey. >> he is latino. and he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, gil, who broke his heart.

but he did not bring any of that into work. it did not affect his job performance whatsoever. and i'm very proud of him. >> hey, osc. it's good to meet you. >> good. >> this little hell-raiser is angela. she has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. right over there, in the orange. >> hey-o! >> hey o. where's the other...? >> you know, michael, i don't need to know everyone's sexual history. >> well, perfect. because we have now arrived at kevin, and he has no sexual history. >> hey. >> how about i just say hi to everyone at one time? >> good. good, good, good. everyone, please give it up for charles miner. >> thank you, michael. and thank you for the c-shaped bagels. >> oh, well... >> that's great, that's great. >> above and beyond. >> hey, you know, we're in tough times, and we're not immune to this economy. >> that's true. >> but the goal is to, you know, fight our way through this. [clears throat] >> stanley hudson. are there going to be layoffs? >> no, absotely not. >> uh, hold on, michael. thank you. uh, stanley, you know, we can't make any promises, but we'll try everything in our power to avoid that.

>> do you have specifics? >> sp--well, michael should've filled you in last week. >> well, due to the economy, there's a lot of worry going around, and i didn't want to worry-- >> you didn't tell them? >> well... why don't-- >> yeah. what i told michael-- >> charles is gonna tell you. >> is that we are cutting 3% across the board. which means we will no longer be matching 401k contributions. and all overtime requests will need to come through the corporate office. >> fantastic. >> well, it's not official. >> it is official. >> well... >> it is official. and actually guys, i'm encouraging branches to consider a freeze on discretionary spending. >> such as salary benefits, et cetera. >> no, not-- >> et cetera, insurance-- >> not salary...petty cash. >> right. >> supplies, and you know, parties. things le that. >> well... >> what about your party? >> oh, well...that. okay, okay, you know what? i think this has been great. i think this gives us a lot to think about, doesn't it? charles miner, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] he has a long trip home. thank him for coming in. we have to get back to work. >> michael, i'm going to stay r the day.

>> oh, no, no, no. you don't have to do that. i've got this covered. this was just a meet and greet, you don't-- >> no, it's a little more involved than that. i'm going to set up in here, okay? >> i am thrilled that the new boss has taken such an active interest in all of theesponsibilities that i'm supposed to have. thried.

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>> david, it was my understanding that i was not going to be managed. >> what gave you that idea? >> it was my understanding. >> michael, charles is very qualified. get to know him. i really think the two of you are gonna make a great team. >> [whispers] ask him about the party. >> oh, right. david are you coming to my 15th anniversary party? >> i'll give it my best shot-- >> no, no, no, the other thing. >> oh, okay. if we hired ciue de soleil as salaried employees, will that help us with the year-end tax stuff? >> i just got off the horn with david wallace, and he said that you and i should try to get to know each other better. and i agree. so, what i would like you to do is... tell me somethi that you've never told anybody before. >> no. >> come on. what's your wife's name? where did you work before you came here? >> saticoyteel. >> beautiful. see, african-americans have such a rich history

of unusual names. >> no i worked at a company called saticoy steel. y...st... you're--you're not from paper? >> no. >> does david know this? >> yeah, he knows. he just wants a good manager. >> oh... well that actually, is a...excellent segue into really what is my only point. i--i don't need to be managed, charles. and if you want to pick up some tips observing here and taking them to the other branches, it's all good. but jan would mostly come by when she was super horny. and ryan would come by to visit his parents and do laundry. so... are we clear? >> that's not how i plan on doing things. >okay. okay. well, i'll just bounce that off david, see if it comes back. >> i'll tell david what he needs to know. sory. david wants it this way. >> well, whatever david wants...

>> okay. >> michael scott calling for david. well, just tell him to call me asap as possible. thanks. >> oh, michael. come on, no. you have to charm them. [ringing over intercom] [sighs] >> david wallace's office. >> hey there, gorgeous. how you doing today? >> i'm good, thank you. >> how's it hanging? all right. >> good. listen, my name is michael...scotch, and i just wanted to say... that i've got david wallace's son in the trunk of my car. if he doesn't get on this phone in five seconds-- >> idiot, idiot, idiot. what are you doing? you've got to-- >> god! oh, my god. [ringing over intercom] >> david wallace's office. >> hi, stephanie. it's michael scott again. i just spoke with michael scotch. and the son's going to be returned, everything's fine. >> michael... >> and i really, really need to talk to david. >> please hold. >> charles miner.