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only know one person who can buy such a large lot. this is a podcast of the psyche. my name is natalya loseva, a journalist. oh my co-host candidate of psychological sciences mikhail khors and our today's guest oksana is a beautiful girl who lived under the rule of a tyrant for 5 years and still hasn't completely got rid of him , i still have a question. and you felt the same help and support from him all these years.

he gave you something, well, a part, yes, i felt uh-huh that, no matter how indifferent to him. uh, as if my mother's health took her to the hospital for discharge. well, as if with money, that is, he worked, brought his salary, they worked at that time. well lately i yes it didn't work anymore. here, therefore, as it were , i can’t say that he is purely dependent there on mine. yes, there he lived in my apartment and on his laurels such happiness flashes, then it had already begun. these are actually his flashes. it started about four months after we began to live, and you somehow discussed these outbreaks with him. here to talk about this , tell how painful it is for you to tell that he is terrible to experience these outbreaks. he thought that i was to blame for all these situations with him, you told how you painful and scary of course. well, at least he tried to listen to it.

well, he listened, but again, this could catch on again, the bolts translate into new scandals, blame and showdowns yes, where i would be extremely guilty of all the sounds are so stormy with assault with throwing things, there were moments when he gathered all his things there i walked around the apartment, and folded like a suitcase, i say. that's it i'm leaving. and here you are crying. uh-huh no, i didn't ask to stay. i just look a little soberly, as it were, at these things, that is, not from a position victims. well, how would hmm me your own, well , it’s kind of difficult, because and in such situations it’s funny to me, that is, two adults who live together share the life of life, and they come up with a wet. well, just from scratch some simply fantastic stories. yes, but they can't

agree. well, i personally find it funny, it's clear that, and i couldn't handle it. well, with the violence of his desire to hurt me, but to humiliate me and so on, because , well, i am by nature a gentle, very kind person and you never answer the same as you would have been for all his attempts, and no matter how to cause suffering, she would only accept, that is, this is the only thing that oksana did right. it seems to me that this is a very wise position or it has accelerated the situation. here is the reaction. i am soft, kind, accepting. she is good, if a person has variability. if at some point he can be tough, strong and even aggressive oksana’s variability or hers, if a person, in principle, has the right to answer both hard and soft, and he chooses that’s great, but when a person doesn’t

the opportunity to answer harshly, then such a person is called not kind and gentle, but helpless. well, the victim, yes, in this situation, here is kindness and gentleness, they are kindness and gentleness when we have the opportunity to answer and as the proverb good should be with fists. i do not like the word good, but that's what it's about. ah, what should he have done in response, when he swung at her and there would be no phone , but you can understand, but it seems to me that oksana has such a scenario of such a scenario, in principle, i can calm, right? she shines, if she could, she would come up and answer. and so maybe physically she can do it, most likely on this traditional family values ​​upbringing with a good family woman we have. well, maybe

it was in the family there are men never here assemblies yes, call this upbringing good when a child is not given. e education does not lay the right to defend themselves, including the aesculacs. i would not call this upbringing something family relationship the person with whom you associate some maybe a person who does not beat you understand, but if he beats you. that can be the answer closest to you. it's you, and we 've been forgetting about it for the rest of our lives. tell me, please, oksana a. this is the first man in your life who, in one form or another, used violence against you, not necessarily physical. yes, the coach never allowed himself to somehow press you. dad, well, only psychologically, as it were, this is the norm for the sport of education. yes, athletes, of course, a different story. it seems to me that they do not know how

to motivate in any other way, except for humiliation. yes, maybe be, so this is the line of oksana's life as her young man, tyrant and rapist. she somehow could have been provoked by her previous experience with the coach, because really the coach. moreover , there are no women's teams yet, history. no. it's a completely different story here. here is a story of not being ready for such an event in your life. she was ready that the scoundrels of the wounds would come, especially since it came in straws, right? oh, he helped with mommy oksana, but there are still opinions, yes , that if you live with a person, then this is the closest person, of course, yes, this is not of course you. see. you have already got into a life situation, when you live with a person, and he beats you there, insults you with this person naked under a blanket together. yes, one more time. it's not a sign of closeness. this is not a sign. this

is a fact of business, you understand, these are people close to them, you will agree that a person is mistaken if she does not trust him and women can be different, but there are women of different social responsibility. they can let unrelated men in bed, wait, wait for a psychologist. give the psychologist the same word to say like this again, but it is important in life to be an adult. did you have any family attitudes from your parental family, right? that the family is sacred, that if you live, then, uh-huh, we blow off the dust particles, apparently , how mom and dad behaved, but in real life you encountered a different behavior. uh-huh, but continued to treat in the old way, uh scenario. see, here's the problem. the problem is that you were not ready to change your attitude towards the world and the realities that you faced. yes, it turned out to be easier to change partners. yes, that's just fine.

yes, she will, only in 5 years. yes, even once. but in principle, yes, sometimes such people are completely corrected by hitting the frying pan on the head, and they cease to coexist with the statement. maybe so, but, and again. and so, too, i can talk about a frying pan, as it were, yes, well, there is something of some kind of factor of aggression, for example, because i was brought up again. e in the opinion to be aggressive. it can be bad just with the word yes, two types of people who behave aggressively with these outbursts means, and these can be normal people. mentally healthy who have no skill self-regulation they have somewhere irritation accumulates accumulates accumulates splashes out the lid blows. yes, and there are people who are called psychopaths. so, this is their, uh, just a characteristic of personality, violence, another second characteristic

of their personality is narcissism, when they love themselves very, very much there, and the third characteristic is, uh, intoxication with power over another person and unwillingness. here, uh, to rule and the unwillingness of this person to lose the pathology of psychopathy. a little psychopathy. each of us has this is not the norm, when a person needs these outbursts of aggression does not work. you see , then he is most likely a psychopath. that is. if he was told once that it hurt me, the second time they said that i felt bad. i'm scared. it's hard for me when you act like this. and he does not correct his behavior , does not try, does not drink. the pill does not go to a psychologist, nor does it do anything. yes, then, most likely, he is a psychopath who will behave like this. here's to our viewers. this is a clear answer. how to distinguish yes indeed there your loved one has it something like that has accumulated, yes, and it flared up, or is it just a psychopathic hothouse. i have

two questions. how to understand? is it possible to work with this person also second, if you understand that it is useless to work, how to remove him from your life, firstly, how to talk to them. yes? here is to talk. there are two positions, the so-called position, and you are the position of people very often, but when they do wrong, you choose the position when they say you are misbehaving. you're not good. you are sick. you're a fool. yes, you're bad aggressive it's you position. and in such positions, well, we only inflame the conflict, and e make it even more i position is just the one that says when you behave like that without judgment. it's just that when you act like that , it really hurts me badly. i am your loved one, please, and now, if you said once in position, the third well, the fifth. a person does not correct his behavior,

at least to some extent. yes, at least it does not show any dynamics, most likely, this is a psychopathic personality, which must be beaten from. he can also enjoy. just this. yes, she says, it’s hard and painful for me, and he begins to perceive such a shameful quiet pleasure from his psychopathization from his own that it turns out that psychopaths definitely do not feel ashamed of conscience pleasure. i don't think so. he would have prepared these scandals so subtly. well, that is, using different means. yes, what i'm saying here, i threw the phone there. it was even the case that he nailed the phone to the wall, nailed his phone to the wall. well, it's manipulation. see how to what? you drove me and yes, you wanted to show that no badly managed. by making sacrifices

through guilt, this is a classic classic. what was the last straw? that's when you finally decided that you would avoid it. well, the last straw, it was probably what i felt that we survived our relationship. so, how would i, well, that is, he etched a lot. you just felt it. yes, there is nothing more warm for you to him. well, yes, the fact that there is nothing warm. yes, it’s like she’s already like an accumulated computer in me, so to speak, a mature mother. and yes, after the death of my mother, it turns out 2 it has been almost 2 years since my mother died. and like, yes. the first year is very , very hard. i had to psychologically survive the loss, as it were, of one person, and in the second year, i, well, as if i felt all some kind of resource, a resource in order to change this situation. and uh, as if the most impetus

was the fact that we somehow went to eat, without a little. the discount has been wound up, and well, i look at me. in short, um, i didn’t catch it on the phone. i say, like, you can give me your phone, my network does not catch. i want look. a. well, where are we? well, in order to somehow leave, just an innocent request, yes, yes, and he gives his phone. well i take a quick look at where we are and catch a glimpse. in the meantime, he was smoking, i was thinking, well, yes, i got into his whatsapp to read who he communicates with, only people are let down curiously. yes, yes and no. i don’t feel that how i would do it, that they did everything right, that they found it, my conscience does not torment me. well, as it were, i just had a desire to do that ours, as it were , and the fact that he took away the girl’s correspondence with girls. yes, there are kissing hearts. good night sweet, dear, when we

see each other again, well, in general, everything in this context, god actually sent this situation and you don’t reproach yourself. get into your correspondence. let the audience in white coats forgive me absolutely deserved in this situation. michael agrees. well, yes, to understand this, and it gave us the strength to get together and just go out, as it happened. it was a planned operation, because before that i had already tried to escape from him, but it ended extremely horribly and negatively. there there was a situation where my things were stolen. uh, there i called the police and wrote a statement again. this is a very complicated story. if i tell you, no matter how. that is, this attempt was not the first. yes, more or less successfully proved that we agreed again, so to speak. and here, and the second, as if escape i already planned in advance, that is, i

rent an apartment, here. thank god in advance at that moment at the moment when i was planning to leave him, and we lived in a rented apartment, then because of the previous apartment. i sold and transferred to another project and for some time he was forced to live in a rented apartment. and it was like dividing these expenses in half. he was financially dependent on you, well, in terms of housing. i think yes, and at this moment you are leaving the apartment that you rented together and leaving for another rented apartment. yes, i rented an apartment in advance and found a driver who will transport me all my things. but he once again went to work there, and i just collect

all my things in a few hours. eh, i'm loading. it's all in the car and i'm leaving. apartments, well, at the same time, well, of course, without informing about anything. after how long he appeared, and he came home at about 7:00 in the evening and, accordingly, well, he arrived at an empty apartment, and he immediately began to call. eh, i didn’t move at all for a month, probably a month and a half. that is, as if calmed down, so to speak, there is no competition. neither there, nor training, something else, that is, i screwed everything up. and i just waited for the time, i think, well, now, uh, a month or two will pass there. he will calm him down a little, respectively, everywhere blocked. but as time has shown , it has been chasing you for 2 years. yes, look de facto. resolve this situation, you can only use some psychological methods. let's try to help oksana build a strategy, what does she need to do

to advise him off? what to do? it's useless here, everything is clear. try to run away from them. ask other people for help, yes, so the only question here is how oksana can withstand, and all this work. and this is work. it's a job if a person became a victim so it turned out to be psychotic personality, then it is directly important to lay time for yourself so that from these relationships, which on the other hand do not, therefore, do not break off, it is important to get out of them. well, it's the same fair thing that it should become. i don't know, in my opinion, if a person climbs a psychopathic relationship with a psychopath. yes, it is fair that it will be hard and painful for him later. now look at tactics such as dragging this episode on the beach somewhere before you in the literal sense, what should you do? they shout

help, save, they kill. here is what you need to do no need. you see, our children are not taught to scream. you see, here is the first recommendation again to parents. please. take the child to the forest and fight with him in the throat together so that he has inner permission for these cries for help. yes, this is important. this is the first. yes, that is, that’s all, even if they don’t beat you and don’t drag you, you still scream. no one will judge your site. shout, they will look at you. she is like a fool, someone is crazy, but everyone is watching the separation of the police. you know, please, in the head to the people selection the police treat you like a person who brought them difficulties. yes, that's why they try to reject you. they just write

back. but this is also a difficulty that sends me difficulties, filling out documents and so on, so no, don’t get into people’s heads, first of all. many people will sympathize with you and help you. yes, someone will pass by, someone will think a fool. so what, let them think, you think about yourself, and not about what they think of you? this is the parental , see what your uncle says about you. yes? here you go, which means, well, they understand how you simply do not fit into this situation. one of the first steps is not to settle a man with you. you don't have to put a man in here. all if a man wants to hook up with you. this is already such a wake-up call in the modern world, you know, it happens in every way, but in the modern world the financial situation. first, his financial situation improves, and then maybe, a brilliant scientist who in 5 years will take the nobel prize, release, uh, 20,000 for an apartment. he can find here, let him

come, he says, you have an apartment there, it's me i understand that the rent costs 40, but these 20 give. we both live. yes, this is normal man with fantasy. it's not science fiction that normal men do. if you look there that she is all right about everything, says science fiction, it turns out that her wife has a sharp picture of normality, i don’t know what a traumatized one is across. yes, oksana was undoubtedly injured to some extent , these injuries can be filled. but understand trauma. and we inflict ourselves with an assessment of all this. hmm , for example, somehow the horror of hell. yes, that's when we we ourselves get used to these assessments, they injure us, but in fact you got into a statistically different situation in ordinary life in such situations 1 2 3, 4 5, 26 27 30 40. among your acquaintances, for sure, there is a similar one, so calmer

it is to the assessment that you will be less nervous, you will have more strength to fight for your future , your strength goes away when you are worried, and you are worried when you think that this hell is some kind of complicated last question, what will i ask you michael what with their reactions oksana may encourage him to continue the pursuit. and how to behave correctly, so that, on the contrary, his interest fades away in order to be simple, this is a question from the point of view that he is a normal person. with these persecutions, he showed that there is psychopathy there. that's outweighed in his personality. you see, therefore, no, just fight for yourself. do what you do and do not expect that he will lag behind you, immediately after a year, two, three. now, when it falls behind, then it will fall behind, you understand, all of you were his victims. yes, he drank in power. above you and here you once again took away his housing. and also this power and the opportunity to revel in the opportunity to command you there

to speak to you. what to do. yes, more, i guess. you said there, i have some beautiful wonderful best in the world and that's it. you took it from him and you want him to take you so easily let go of a normally healthy person will let go. well, i agree to some kind of dependent relationship, of course, after our parting. and his life. uh, it definitely didn’t turn for the better, because well, in our situation, it’s like property of the public, but and things are like a volleyball world, well, many relatives of my relatives in penza, that is, they are all aware of this situation. and uh, as if everyone knows each other, they communicate and, accordingly, a keychain to the fact that they began to look at him as, uh , a person with mental problems, because yes, and because of this. well, as far as i was given. he doesn't play volleyball now. he left, he was forced to lead such a hermit's life, as if

let him be healed away, then, well, you are to blame anyway, you understand, yes, your real man is to blame for this. i think it's very, very, very close. you just need to pull yourself out here. yes, it's still amazing. here, in relation to this situation, i will say to similar ones. that's what parents give us, uh, give us an idea of ​​the world flower field, we go walking the scents of flowers. it can be, but sometimes you walk along the color, the exact field and get into a cow or drink. here, well, sometimes it comes, it gets dirty, it stinks. come on, now admit that it stinks, it’s that this stink, it will be simple with you in life for some time, because you got into trouble. and what is the name of this young man of yours. well, just them. tell andrey know that come to us with michael here let's, maybe we will help you and you will

live in a good new life, but without censorship. yes please, it was a psychic clue. my name is natalya losina, a journalist for my co-host clinical psychologist, the great and bright mikhail khors, our beautiful guest oksana, thank you. this is a sex by light podcast on first i mark barto today, i have a clinical psychologist visiting me. lina dianova lina hello well, hello. how beautiful the mood is, and the topic is such a topic, you can move on right away to make it more interesting. the topic we have today is certainly very piquant, even taboo somewhere, not only in society, but in all families, this is adultery and

adultery, who cheats more often - it's like do you think from what i read according to statistics in 2008, such a psychologist by last name, hunger conducted a study that 70% of men cheat and only 30% of women, but in 2008 in seiko magazine. better published studies. so, uh, psychologists went to a dating site for cheaters. and there the situation was already different - 80% of men and 50% of married women, well, both of them are in a special relationship. she is very close to the truth. i have data that we have research that we have done from our institute. and i think you will be interested and the audience. uh, the total percentage of infidelity 58% of men 54% of women. can you imagine, at the same time, of course, at the same time, uh, it's not just married couples

in official relationships. there are also cohabiting couples and couples who just meet. would like to change from a number that do not change 17% of men 3% of women would like to change, but do not change. and what you just said is cheated by married men, and 50% of men, and with married men, 79% of women from among the past and i still know what statistics i collected 30% of men and women are lovers at work, and 20% of men and 35% of women cheat on vacation and 4% of men and 10% of women cheat with neighbors. but with them look what other cool statistics there are 50% of cheating takes place in the house of one of the spouses. that is, you imagine, is it while someone is at work or has left somewhere? or someone who cheats on vacation does not know that he is cheating on his bed or on her bed,

so at home 30% of cases of betrayal are picnics in nature or in the country, 20% are cheated in rented apartments and in a hotel. here's how to explain the psychology of a person who cheats in his apartment on the same bed on which he sleeps with his wife or spouse. well, they immediately come to my mind, but laziness. why bother, as if everything at home is ready for everything familiar and b absence. well , here is the value of the marital bed. it seems to me that these are such sympathetic adrenalin people who lack some kind of thrill in life. they very often resort to such forms, e.g. sexual intimacy, in order to, in addition to this peppercorn from the connection itself, experience the huge influence of stress hormones. and suddenly he will come. and so you know me, what other statistics are interesting now it will generally be simple number not scheduled. 13% of men

change unplanned and 6% of women. what kind of unplanned betrayal of a corporate party and so on is another phobia in the piggy bank, our viewers have a rest for women, that men are more likely to attend corporate parties six percent of women and 13, you know, this unplanned betrayal seduced him, as they find out, it means about betrayal 52 % find out that the spouse is cheating, or the partner left the page not closed through sms correspondence, and mail in social networks, and so on and so forth. that is, it is absolutely inattention, and you know, it seems to me that these are really some strange people. they already perceive their behavior to such an extent that they don’t even think about somehow covering up their lies and their deceit, either this is the norm for them, or they just adapt. they are

really scattered and inattentive. after all, these too are created by themselves 13%, uh, both men and wives. there's a week here for men and women 13% confessed guilt about learning about third parties. someone hires a detective, or ask their friends. it's 11% caught red-handed 6% and other evidence and now let's find out what's going on in society one more statistical let's, but it turns out that 18% of women and only 10% of men cheat because of sexual dissatisfaction in relationships. it turns out that, as it were, men satisfy women less often than women satisfy men and women. you know, what percentage of women, but goes to bed with a man, without experiencing real pleasure, that is, they go to bed with

a man. because they are afraid of losing their spouse they are afraid that he will go to his mistress, find a mistress, or will turn to a woman for money, so as not to lose mutual understanding, and there are a lot of such women. i will not get attached to the numbers, and certainly, if we take a man who is next to such a woman in bed, the man is the same. well, yes, we are somewhere, perhaps similar to primates. or maybe even our brains are not as developed as yours, but we can feel. there is a difference when you eat on a boil. you, uh, delicious borscht. ah, either when you're drinking, uh it means that the borsch did not cook lean salty borscht. it is necessary to prepare in this way more turns, including from water, if let's give a specific recommendation, how can a man prepare a woman for sex, if from your theses we assume that a man knows how to feel. yes, you can feel. you

feel that a woman is going to bed with you, but she somehow, well, no matter how much she wants to. hmm you feel, well, you can definitely feel it. you do not go and some truth. what's happening? yes? what it happened? why is everything like this with us? and then there is some kind of contact, and then. well, it is born, then the prelude of arousal and a closer relationship, if this is a prelude for each person, this is an absolutely normal experiment, which is carried out by various institutions that study human sexual behavior. uh, a certain number of married couples take an example , men are asked a question and asked to mark them on their bodies. e, means a felt-tip pen or some device that leaves traces of the main erogenous zones. what do you think what he designated the man. i suspect that

the penis and you are not mistaken. but if you count, then the number of designated erogenous zones on the body of a man is known to be such a starry sky behind a cloud. that is, there is practically nothing there when they asked a similar question to women and asked them to designate erogenous zones on their bodies. it was a real starry sky on a clear night, because every woman has a certain path that a man who loves his woman must overcome in order to somehow way to prepare for sexual intimacy no one cancels. e spontaneous sex. he is present, he has a place to be, but the sexual constitution of men and women is different and sexuality is different in time to get you excited. wait, please, how long do you need to no i don't push

me. watching with some. it depends on what man you took away with. and you took away. you took us off topic. i lead to the fact that women and men very often do not understand each other and blame one of the parties. if people don't understand how we can't have sex. that's why i asked. that's how much time you need to have some kind of ritual to make you aroused, which your man should do with his ears. that is, he should buzz something pleasant in your ears. what is the amount of time minute 2-5, 20? well, five is not enough, but it's about 20 minutes. let it buzz so well. we will return to your phrase that a man is a sensitive being. yes, and there is some degree. yes, if you go to bed with your woman and feel that this is not borscht, water, once you said what you would do.

you don't even feel it. well, look, we can figure it out in the moment, of course. you can ask if you have a headache. tell leg. can this be done? we can look, in general , at the sexuality of men and women. here we come to the statistics, according to which men are less satisfied with women than women with men. we will get to this point with you about sexuality, if now we ask our viewers, e men a question. how much time does he need? here is the moment when he i thought about sex until the moment when he is ready to engage in it, there are some seconds and minutes for a woman, such options are possible in rare cases, but most often a woman needs to prepare for this ; men come from afar send sms love glasses meet from work . a. maybe wash the dishes for her, that is, create conditions in which a woman will feel not only an object, thanks to which one can be satisfied, but also a person’s personality, you understand? i then have another question. do you know

how many women are engaged in freedom satisfaction? i think eighty eighty percent then i have a question for you. how can a man find out that his wife is secretly engaged in some quirks? and he can't satisfy her. this is a very cool question because it is the most difficult question. after all, he goes into depth and intimacy in this pair, in general, intimacy in pairs. well, a little yes, on the example of my clients, on the example of those stories that i read on the blog, there and everywhere, that people very rarely talk to each other. and it depends not only on the woman or on the man. it depends on how people build their relationships, how ready they are for vulnerability in general. after all, this is a vulnerability to say what you want, in fact, this is already about sexual intelligence. this is when one partner

can trust another to tell about their desires. i'll even give you an example. a woman comes and says. you know, i stopped feeling pleasure in bed with my man, the question is why, and i want that during sexual intimacy, he grabbed my throat and called me dirty words. we will not express what there were a lot of such words and er, so that occasionally. he also beat me with his hand, which means he beat me. e, somewhere in the side with his palm and continued to scold me and once when e we came from a party. i was under a lung, which means closet. i hinted to him about my desire. in response , i heard that nothing was a prostitute. yes, you are not normal. yes, you need to heal your head. and she has such a need. uh, a man also come often complain that he can not realize with his woman, but his dreams

why because she does not perceive herself woman, but so frivolous? he perceives himself as a woman, a prostitute, that is, in her understanding. uh, so it's enough that she just gets into bed with him doesn't want to just get into bed with him, but he does, of course, many studies show that a couple living together or in a relationship who doesn't know each other is absolutely, uh, practically nothing sexual intimacy. and that's about sexual intelligence. this, of course, is a very good opportunity to pump, and you can pump it when there is trust in the race in a couple, when the person himself is able to put into this pair everything that interests him. well, then, please tell me at what moment, as you think.