by the way, those who are now in the montreal school they skated with me. i showed them tango romance, because it was introduced at that time , and i mean, i trained a lot , there was an exchange, but i was always exchanged for trainers. in alpine skiing, there was also some kind of trainer on the size. it was terrible, because suddenly they call me in the summer, and we have only one month. uh, there june is the end of may to relax or do something. you 're flying to canada tomorrow. i don't want to go anywhere. you are flying away, so there were such exchange offices that were very good. by the way, i have until now, these are all the connections and relationships from those times. and now it's all stopped with coaches abroad , we communicate with them. they call me, and all relations remain the same, but this exchange of knowledge with ideas by some kind of training processes

is no longer, yes, but they didn’t finish with those who just joined us. i remind you that we are visiting. the great man of figure skating or anatolyevna tchaikovskaya at night you think, my god. well, what is it, what is it? why is it not going and all the insight. everything has already been worked out. everything and this is for the coach. here for me. this is the most difficult bitter discovery that i made, because you still try everything beautifully, this also happened, it also didn’t bring several people to the very top, well, this is coaching work, coaching work in general. why don't they go yet and at night you lie thinking? you don't live

your own life. here you pull it, and that's it. but nevertheless, come all to the training with you , we are talking about this topic, but i still have such a sore subject that very few of you people came. my task is to attract you. i understand that others, so to speak, are financial affairs. well, it would be great if you caught fire. with this development here, with what you saw, what you picked up. that's like a child of a freak. you raised him, maybe you will tell me who you would like to see as a coach from the athletes who please, i wanted to see you like a school right by a school. i don't understand why it doesn't work. your

partner, wife well done well, baby that's good, but she mostly hurts me. yes, i wanted to see her curl to me. nice. i would like to see from what if now from greenhouses, why don't tarasov go there with frost , finishing there in how many years? they could they could, you know, i think that's right, sure, good. yes, because there were ice shows earnings others don't tell me that, please. i don't

want to continue my continue. yes, this is a very big deal for athletes who, well , anyway, it will end someday. you can’t break your knees and hips all the time, i don’t know, it’s still good to ride. but you understand that the coach must also take a step. he can not right away times i don't happen. this is also very heavy. you have to find yourself, how will you teach? well, you often let's take a couple, then we'll see how the head coach demands instructions, please, because i'm very interested, i'm very interested in you. you are young, you are full of energy. what does

a head coach do? great. now i know, i ran to execute. thank you very much, honestly, a great honor. i was really worried, to be honest, before this interview, because i didn’t know how to go talk to you at all, but it turned out very cool. thank you you are very spiritual. and i stressed a lot of you worth a lot. thanks you were afraid. don't be afraid, i found a job, i found it right for sure. i will support. thank you. you are very happy thank you success. hello this is a podcast triggers and with you we are sergey on ourselves on tatyana krasnovskaya, practicing psychologists, psychotherapists and our guests anastasia hello. hello nastya tell us what question you came up with. well,

i have a very complicated relationship with my mother characterized as a roller coaster. the complexity of these slides is difficult. she intensified. and the older i stopped, the more difficult it seemed for us to find a common language with each other while i was at school. everything in general was fine. well, okay. i was in my teens. and as if my mother raised me all my life herself, although my father was. well, as if she was engaged in upbringing, mom, dad was present, you had some kind of calm relationship, we communicate with dad together. i mean, i know his current family. i know i communicate with my brother and sister. that is, as if they were divorced, they divorced when i was a year old, and hmm and hmm while i was in school. everything was like. well, probably within the framework of the normal, when a child is a teenager,

as if he were growing up, then it became more difficult. i turned 18. i finished school there at 19 and started working. and so, when i started working, everything, as it were, began to gain such very high momentum , that is, we all began to stop understanding each other and it’s clear we had some kind of tension, irritation, and we just couldn’t communicate, and at some point it reached its peak and ended with me eventually moved out from my mother. we parted ways. i was 21, and now you're 23, and we parted, but we parted ways in a very big scandal and, uh, after i moved out of her, we, in my opinion, for two or two and a half months did not communicate at all. and i even remember how we started talking, he became very ill and hurt. it was mother's day. it was just the last sunday of november, and i thought that mum should

be congratulated, and so we started talking again and since then there has been such a trend that we really are on a roller coaster, that is, we are on the rise, we communicate. we're all great. there is love in attention, fun, everything is cool and something happens, and we just fly down and stop talking. and at this moment, when we are flying down our own, we stop communicating, i feel a wild feeling. well, i guess i feel loneliness, after all , an abandoned kitten, and this always hurts me a lot and for the last time. eh, we had such a quarrel, in my opinion, in november just after that we seemed to work out for ourselves. acceptable method of communication, that is, it is we ended up just, well, congratulating each other on the holidays, that is , the new year, christmas is there, and that's it , as it were, everything. well, here's how to put up with it, after all, and stop experiencing this pain. i don’t

know, and there is another, as it were, big question, which also torments me very much. uh, these are situations where we fight, and this is the mechanic i use with my current own family. i mean, i mean, well, we live with a guy, yes, that is, i said married, we are very integrated with each other, as if we have very warm relations with his family. that's mine family, but with him i sort of did the same thing that happened to me with my mom and they let me go very quickly when i accelerate, but i really want to stop doing this, because i know how much it hurts, and i really it is not necessary that you act in a relationship with your young man, as your mother does with you. that is , you will recognize yourself in your reactions as a mother. yes , right here in general 100%, that is, even its expression. uh, the scenario of behavior, that is

, well, straight yes, but only uh, my mother grabbed it for a very long time. that is, we could after such quarrels did not communicate there for a month and a half, and it was very big and, as it were, always such a scandal that they directly swore. and, well, everything was serious, and then i accelerate, i have enough for 5-10 minutes there. i understand that something is wrong, and i'm a little bit eclipsed, and it lets me go. and somehow i'm trying to clean it all up after myself. this is exactly what psychology calls the difference between temperament and character, because temperament is an innate range, and character is an acquired defense, and it is clear that your reactions are so say assigned to the maternal some action, but yours. the foundation just doesn't last long. mom can be silent for a long time. and i don’t know you there, leave in half an hour. and why do you need a mother at the age of 23, would you yourself be a mother already? so i can't answer this question. true, i understand that uh. i'm like an adult now. i

work. i am able to provide for myself. and it’s like i don’t need someone , but uh, well, at some point, when i realized that i still have a family, uh, i reconciled. well, it really let me down a lot. that i sort of agreed that we have such a relationship with my mother, but it still hurts inside me, but somehow i will always have the feeling that such a family is needed to give birth or everything is there together. here it is, as it were, that is, there was this ideal picture of the world, and then i realized that it was simply impossible. well, just like that, that is, it is so impossible that when i imagine, even my own wedding is there. it's terrible to admit, but i just can't imagine my mom in this picture. that is as if you didn’t want her to be there or you are afraid of how she will behave. i would like her to be present, but i'm afraid it's like two different worlds. well, probably, yes, i 'm afraid that she'll say something there, well , she'll do it, it's unlikely, but uh, yes, say something.

maybe, especially since she does not accept my personal life very well, that is, my boyfriend. eh, no matter how much he doesn't like it . yeah, that's probably how we just had a situation in which, uh, we were three of us at the same table. i am my mother a young man, and it was terrible. well, that is, i wanted to fall under the table now honestly, because, as it seems to me, my mother did not behave very correctly towards him, although he , as it were, she saw him at that moment for the second time in her life and strange, well, i it seems strange to draw conclusions about a person that you don't actually know, i can't really speak for the conclusions she made because she didn't voice them. well, that is it, well , you can just say, like i don't like it. i say why don't you like it. well, that's not like it and everything. why do you each you think that she must like your young. well she says i don't like it. why are you asking a question? why? well, it's just purely

interesting. well, no, i do not agree, but you will now show me photographs of your young man. i'll tell you i don't like it. well , i doubt you'll be interested. why don't i like him? well, i agree. yeah, i won't be interested. why is he and that's why mom doesn't like him, you wonder, all of a sudden, in fact, of course, you would like to she liked him. yes, of course, but he doesn’t like her and i don’t understand this, i don’t like it, as it happens, but why do you need her to answer your question? why do i like it? well, given that i actually lived all my life with my mother and my mother was, as it were, the center of my universe. and this is normal up to a certain age. yes, it's normal, but mom always had her own opinion, and i was always terribly uh scared that she would not like what i do, of course, i do or choose someone or something something for me too. right now the tears are so

close. i would like to tell you how you feel when it doesn't work out that way. well, because it's like she doesn't every time. mm, well, not every time, but it's often like she doesn't accept or doesn't understand me and my choice. and for some reason it really hurts me, although it would seem. what's the difference adult. for some reason , this always hurts me a lot, because it seems to you that if you are loved, you should be accepted. well, yes, maybe then it is worth answering the question. when you are for the first time in your life felt that your mother does not love you. well, probably, when, just at that moment, right at all, when i moved away from her, we stopped communicating with her, and she

didn’t even ask clarifying questions, even like where i’m leaving, who i’ll be with live, how i will live, and after that she was generally not interested in my life, well, globally it seemed that she was indifferent to you. and you said that a mom was the center of your universe i did you feel that you were the center of the universe for mom? well i can't to say that i felt it, but i was reminded of it. uh, that is, she seemed to be saying that you are my sunshine, you are my joy. not even like that. she is what she does a lot in order to educate me , so that i grow up, so that i can do everything, uh, so that i can be just some kind of, well, superman, you can bring and not. but that

is, she never forgot. how much she is betting on you for you. yes, it, in my opinion, did not develop further eternal life. and this, too, seems to be explained by the fact that she chose me, not my personal life. you said that feelings that you knew that mom mom was showing. why are you important, but you felt that i don’t know at what point that you changed. but here i clearly know that, well, these are my memories, my feelings until the moment i went to school. everything was great. eh, that is, we were right in general in perfect harmony. we were for each other, and the most important people, probably, in life. where did you travel. we went we somehow were. yes, we were together, everything was cool. and that's when i went to school, probably in the first class . but already when they started to put on at school,

fathers, there are some stories, and already it seems that the beginning to somehow change. well, somehow this feeling is, well, my uh-huh, according to my memories. they were already different. that is, these fears began to appear in me that they would scold me, what is there? i did something wrong and some restrictions have already begun. that is , they did not go there without walking. yes, punishment, there is something else, and gradually gradually it all grew, and as if the scandals were stronger and that sense of security that i had before i missed school. she started to crumble a little. yes, when mom you know that mom will accept and mom is your reliable rear. uh-huh , going to school with grades from some meeting with society. it started to fall apart a little. yes, there was even a story when i was so afraid

that they scared me for grades, that she me, when we did homework, she taught me to correct. mistakes, well, with an eraser or a blade, and i took note of it and corrected it in my diary. well, of course, we are cool hand not handed me over with fucking, and i got several times stronger. well, that is, i had. they got kickbacks several times stronger, i received from my mother several times stronger than if i just told that i had a deuce, but they got it for lying, right? well , of course, what is the most terrible punishment your mother came up with for you when you did not meet her expectations, of course, silence. i asked you a question. when did you first feel that your mother does not love you. i think it's at the moment when mom stopped contact with you for the first time, probably yes, and it's scary. it's horrible. and i know what it is for her. this is the same terrible punishment, of course. now, when your mother is not interested in you, she is silent, as it were, and, therefore, does not love.

but only there were six, and now it’s 23. well, yes, and today’s our task is to get you out of there, so that at least the triggers can get your head out of there and with you mom. well it's clear that i can't talk to another person, but i just i would like it to be, well, at least in understanding, that is, so that i can know that i can calmly share with her something that is important to me, and even if i don’t like it, even if it doesn’t suit her , she would just

say, well, well, that is, if you feel so good, then it's good. probably this is all, what i would like to understand, if we are with you, and on a desert island together. uh-huh. and i know the hope is that we'll be rescued. and you had to build a relationship with me one way or another. but now imagine that you speak russian and i speak chinese. how would you share with me your experiences with handfuls of fears? well, perhaps it remains for us the sign language. ok then. you will be surprised, but the chinese do not understand our sign languages ​​of the european public. there is a difference in different. well , here you are gesticulating in full something . speak lopochtite. and i look at you and smile. i think that you are telling me

some nice stories, have achieved my understanding. through which for some reason it does not come nothing to the head. how would you deal with the fact that i do not understand you? no, i had to answer, the truth is to live with this somehow. somehow i would have to explain, and secondly, to somehow cope with the fact that the other person does not understand you. there is another very important point - what you require from your mother, you do not give her. well, yes . how could mother describe it? so let's

imagine such a situation that mom is here now, how would she write your relationship. it seems to me that she might also have said that i do not understand her, but it seems to me that because there is no other answer, because if you just need to look at it objectively. i'm not the kind of child that you can disown and say, i don't know him and i don't want this. well, why, well, i probably did not grow up the way she imagined, but globally, i have a profession. i have an education , i’m like a normal, adequate, all good person. well, as it were, but i don’t suffer, i don’t suffer from any vices, that’s all, everything is fine. that is, in general, it seems to me that such children are not refused. and probably she i would also just say that we have one big one. i'm misunderstanding that we're just standing on

different edges of this abyss. it seems so to me, but the only thing is when i talk to my dad and tell him some stories that my mom and i have some situations. he tells me that they did the same. and there is this moment, that anger, she compares me with him, of course, that is, she says, you want to sleep, of course, you are all into him. you look like him in that breed. i'm really a copy of another dad just outwardly, of course, this gives her great discomfort. well, there's no going back. mom unfortunately, i believe me, fortunately you know, but your story with your mother reminded me of one very interesting love story, which is described in our kama sutra in the morning. these are not pictures. the young man and the girl loved

each other very much and waited for permission to marry before the wedding is not unnatural. and so they got married and when they got married, according to the tradition of this place in india, there is such a tradition that the wedding night, and the young spend in the homes of their parents when it is already possible, but they must still endure. well, after that they parted in the lady of their parents. and, of course, having waited for the sunrise, they ran towards each other, but when they came running, it turned out that between their villages, the ganges flowed a great great river without beginning and end, which could not be overcome. i haven't lived my whole life just looking at each other from different shores. yes, there is a similarity in this and there is a way out, because you and your mother are like two very prickly, hedgehogs, which, if put in one box, they will definitely stab each other, you need a distance, you need a distance. and, of course, the moment you went to

school, apart from what happened. ah. well , i'll call it tertiary separation. yours from mom. yes, you reacted differently, ah, but you reacted the same way, firstly , you ended up, and in a society that now evaluates you, and seems to objectively evaluate and all evaluations are important for your mother , including, but you don’t match, than the estimates that are there. well, i mean, not only fives. and of course, your mother begins to somehow educate you in this sense, and the educational process has nothing to do with love. education is training. and, of course, when i asked you a question, when did you first feel that your mother did not love you it was then when your mother began to evaluate you through the grades that you bring from school, suppose and there, when she fell silent, you, of course, became uncomfortable . the fact is that that little nastya was really not able to cope with this is a grown woman. and this is also true

, it’s just time to grow up, apparently, to give your mother the right not to explain to you. why does she like your boyfriend. well, yes, you understand a lot of other things to give your mother, because this is the only way you will show understanding of her position. well, i agree, just then, besides the fact that my young man simply doesn’t like it, she told me about it and hmm, as it were, there was a question. why uh was another hmm i think it's an important moment i uh said i say well i'm happy with this person and mom told me this, but i don’t see that you are now, i’m not alone. your boyfriend will never be good enough. well , as if, when i was there in the eleventh grade and met with a boy from my school, who she liked, he just walked by the handles there. here she liked him, you walked by the handles in this matter. yes, probably, as if this was a problem, a bet on you, so no one who

will be next to you will cause wild delight in your mother. but it seems to me that this is a question, but in the manifestation you are offended by your mother's manifestations, when she thus showed you that it is not very beautiful. me understands, yes showed you that your young man you do not like. she does not like. it was just very annoying. and uh, i just kind of, i didn't even have questions then. e. what, well, how can he, well, maybe you don’t like it? and i had more of a question, like ok, i don't like it. well, why is that? for what? is it already destroyed to show? well, i'm not on purpose, i'm not going to destroy yours on purpose. she just does it to some this place. she does it completely unconscious. well, how to live? is this easy to accept? like a fact?

well, well, here you live, for example, a neighbor and a neighbor are not at all interested in your happiness personally, but you somehow manage, it doesn’t mean at all that she doesn’t love you. i really hope you remember how, as a child, you , uh, for the first time, for example, maybe for the first time , experienced fear that your mother would not. i started experiencing it. uh, when i got older and started to catch myself on this , when we had already parted, i became this is very bad, but mom will not become sooner or later. yes, i kind of understand that, but it doesn't make it any easier. it subconsciously wakes up somewhere and drives me into some kind of funnel to drive thoughts. i think what will happen then further so that further. i don't know. but still, people die, they just

continue to live, it's true. well, as if i understand that, probably, i can continue to live with this, of course, you can’t with one. you will not be able to because you did not have time to tell mom how much you love her. about it. me too, by the way, i thought, well, and then perhaps you should learn to talk with your mother until the moment when you confess your love, without expecting that she will tell you this. i do this periodically and we recently had a conversation at christmas she herself took the initiative. she congratulated me. honestly. now i don't remember what she wrote to me. she, in general, i sort of answered that i propose to simply love each other and accept each other, and answered.

well live with it hug and i'm so hmm but if you want to get love and take uh huh here, let's try to use such a tool. how to give what you want to receive if we take his name in your story. how could you give her love and acceptance? what steps can you take? well, it’s probably simple, in principle, to show this initiative to her, which i want her to show there, call write to be interested if something is needed somehow. hmm to participate in her life but you understand, as if when everything was fine, and we kind of went up on our rollercoaster. i have the same success

participated in her life. i asked how she was doing. health is there somewhere, if necessary, it helped where it was, perhaps, and tried how to use resources. and hmm and then, as it were, everything was always untwisted from some little thing. that is, i'm there, she wants me to go with her there for a birthday party to her friend, whom i don't know, but i had a very difficult working period. i say me. well, i probably won't go, because i really want to rest. and i'm like, well. uh, simple. well, you don't want to, even that is, you can. at i may have no reason to. i just don't want my mom clinging to it. what yeah. you do not want? i mean, you don’t want to, and well, as it were, that is, how to go somewhere with me to some establishments. so it’s like receiving gifts there somehow, just like you are

the first. and how to go with me to my girlfriend's birthday. only you don't want to . uh-huh. and as if it were spinning from this, and again we stopped communicating, that is, we swore. i just faced a wave of some kind of this lack of understanding that, damn it, i still can’t help but want. u somewhere to go, as it were, and there is generally some kind of girlfriend to look at when we talk about acceptance, but mine is talking about accepting my mother like that, no matter how trite it may be. yes, this phrase sounded like accepting mom for who she is. you want the same acceptance you said i was a good kid. you really are a good child, but not how do we know, then a perfectly good child? well, because if i were talking to her mother now, my mother would tell me, i raised an ungrateful daughter, and an inattentive daughter is a daughter who is not capable of respect the mother, it will be good for a good child

, they don’t convince a good child, but not perfect, but mom is good, but not perfect. i mean, this very acceptance is born where we recognize what is ideal. no there is. each has its own manifestations , the question of the boundaries of these manifestations. well, in principle , there are no happy parents of grateful children. here, in principle, there are no such things, each child is still a little bit, but did not reach what his parents expected from him, and each child believes that he anyway, a little bit, but they didn’t give it, or they gave it, but it wasn’t that, or they gave it, but it’s not like that. hmm, that means you have a problem, darling, most likely, mom is needed in order to create these problems through overcoming which we grew up. this podcast triggers with you psychologist sergey na sebyayn, psychologist tatyana krasnovskaya, and our guests nastasya do you remember

the moment when you were 14 years old from a children's clinic to an adult, in fact, from the age of 14, already at the age of 15 , a child goes to the clinic myself. well, yes, well, a normal child. yes healthy adults, so say a child who turns out to be in a dependent relationship really continues to walk with his mother 18 or 19 and believe me. i know history at 30-35. uh-huh. these are the ones mom takes to see psychologists. i met this or my mother comes and says, you know, i have a problem, what kind of son is sick there. and how old is the son of 38 there, it happens that we cannot, we have not learned. we were not lucky and the connection is very strong, of course, but only the connection lasts for a long time. that's the problem. because your mother, of course, believed it is her duty to give you as much as she could, maybe more. yes , as soon as she considered it her duty

, it means that she transferred this debt to you and you are now. ah, in this debt vein, right? that is, you must give now. yes? this is such a leitmotif, of course, the same thing. yes, but it's also about the expectation about your expectations from your mother mom's expectation from you. that's for sure. it also works in your relationship with your boyfriend about the same acceptance, right? i just realize that i am too, uh i cling to some little thing. uh-huh, and i'm spinning out of the blue. although it doesn't matter at all. great what do you notice? eh? well, it took me quite a while to figure out how to deal with this. i'll tell you a very simple thing , when you are at the moment when you find out in your behavior, mom, just inside, but you want out loud, true, some will think that they have gone crazy. just say, hello mom, yes, that is, this part of your

character is welcome. yeah, it's not innate, but it's acquired if it's acquired. that means hmm you seem to, yeah, well, conventionally it seems like it's uh the right tool for smoothing out the right tool for survival the right tool for hmm ruling out any of this situation. yes, because mom coped like that, you remember, too. now you do, but it's only a question of risk, that is, at some point when you start to say, hello mom, you will get a pause in which you can take the risk of doing nothing with what you saw. yes, and then you understand, oh wow, but he, it turns out, did not wash the dishes. it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me at all. it's just not washed dishes. yes, but sometimes at some point you can choose your mother's reaction, sometimes this is a working and effective model. yes, a pause will give you the opportunity to decide for yourself, as

appropriate, now the story. it's my mothers who are leading me inside me now, or all the same. this is my decision. uh-huh if you plan to build your own life, then you have to prioritize. where will your attention be directed from this works, and the husband is always a priority can not. he is not the children's priority. children are not a priority for a mother, and as you form new participants in your life. your mom will take a backseat. and it's very difficult. it's hard for you, it's hard for her. it is clear why, because she made a bet on you, as tatyana correctly said? yes, it seems to her that she is losing, because she understands exactly that you should have been at least the president, and then you leave. you slip away from her and this one hurts. but you hurt and why are you so you are afraid of the thought of your mother’s death, although, well, as if none of us, thank god, is eternal uh-huh, but

because a very large number of things are not said, because your understatement lies in the fact that mom, i never told you that i mean or what? i wanted to say. this is something you don't need to do either of you. we'll have to get used to living with innuendo, as on different banks of the river. there was another very important moment the river was so turbulent that they could not hear each other. well, apparently, as if he kind of our communication congratulations to each other on holidays and rarely. well, no matter how rare, well, just recognition, how is he doing? it's probably still a workflow. and also try every time you end a conversation with your mother, no matter what note, he always came out to finish the phrase. mom i love you. and look, when i gave you this example for the first time. you told me, yes het, i do. i even wrote to her at christmas that let's love each other and

accept each other. i didn't say the word friend friend. yes, it’s only one-sided. yes, it’s different and it doesn’t work absolutely the only way, and this does not mean that you need to distance yourself as much as possible or stop communicating. it means that you have to do what you feel, if you feel that you want a little closer to your mother, it will go a little closer to your mother, just letting this air between you is necessary. everything seems to fall into place. it needs to be something simple. probably, finally, the truth to stop being a six-year-old. and learn to live in the process of growing up there is such a thing as inversion to dominate, as parents dominate children. well, as if it's normal

. parents are a child there, i'm the eldest there, the youngest, then in the process of growing up, the parents grow old , grow up and this is the version that happens. and this is a normal process. but in order for that to happen, you're right about one very important thing that you said, you have to go. just take responsibility for your part of life. uh-huh and as soon as you learn to take responsibility for your part of life, as soon as this, respectively, becomes complete in you will have the strength to take responsibility for some part of your mother, well, take care of your mother there, when you need it, if necessary, help is provided to support her and accept her and love her, and it really came. and what did you hear important for yourself, what will you be in what will you be? ah, well, of course , with the fact that it’s just time for me to grow up anyway