hallelujah grandfather - this is my grandmother will revive.

in 1791, giuseppe cagliostro returned to his homeland in rome, where he unexpectedly surrendered to justice. you spoke him to a life sentence broadcast him shortly before his death. she handed him a drawing by an unknown artist, sent from russia. who was

depicted in this drawing and what did these people mean in the fate of the grand magistrate to historians? so it failed to install.

this podcast triggers and with you. today we are sergey on ourselves and tatiana krasnovskaya, psychologist and psychotherapists. hello and today in our studio marina tell us how you came to us. i had such a request literally. i recently realized that i am not aware of my femininity. what is it? well, about the fact that i am a manager and i have such a more masculine temperament and, as it were, my position, as it were, obliges me to keep myself, and lately. i try to consider myself a woman only a woman that i will

like, what should be there. and that's what literally recently, i hmm realized that i'm chasing, for some such a certain pattern of this femininity as a common pattern. it must be some kind of vanilla femininity there, yes, there is a vanilla woman, there mimimi there, i don’t know, i hate it. i realized that this is not about me, but i'm chasing this, but it's not about me at all, and well, it's just one little man literally there a few days ago , a girl told me, she says, i like your femininity so much. she is special for you, she is different for you, and i realized that i mean her, i don’t see her. well, that is, i don’t understand what kind of mine it is and i’m chasing some kind of template. here's a request that i want to consider it. and apparently i don’t accept it, as far as i understand myself again, if for some reason i drive others for this vanilla according to your control as a result of the fact that your masculine character or yet you have

a masculine character, because that you are in control. good question. i think one follows from the other. i have been on my own since childhood. since childhood, i have not been involved, almost my parents. that is, i have always been left to myself, even somewhere, right from childhood, they delegate to me some duties that, in principle, are not suitable for a child. yeah, well, i mean at that point, uh, so i think it's probably the one i've always been in charge of. i had to be responsible. i have always been the eldest, as it were, well, respectively, in the course of my management. then, as it were, the logic builds up a little differently, because you started with the fact that i am a manager, and therefore i have a masculine character. now it's turning around a bit. and as a consequence is being revised, because, well, we it is necessary, of course, to detect some determinism. e, elements of the psyche alminated the event of your last

year so that we could understand, so to speak, where it all could have begun and started, and you have younger brothers, sisters , younger brother, eight years younger. yes, for eight years. yes, i am now 42. 8 years old, in fact, i grew up alone with my parents. yes, that’s how this gap is, what do you remember about it now i vaguely remember, i practically don’t remember, and this period there are some such small flashes there is some kind of new year there, i don’t know, there some went to visit. well, here's something like that, i just remember what i remember, just the same, when i started to remember better, when my brother appeared. i have grown older. this is understandable, older adult everything. here, i've been for 8 years. i was already an adult. yes, i don't remember. no, not like that, come on, here we are going to visit. i'm mom dad. yes, how old are you at this moment

who went to visit, what is happening right in the present tense. write friends of my parents, very good friends. there was a certain company there was just three or four families, i don't remember exactly, and we were constantly, if we were going. these are holidays events, especially the new year. for some reason, i remember exactly the new year, it was just these families. we were the children i was. well, a girl and another boy who is older than me is everything i can remember. do sit at the table at the table. they somehow communicate on their own topics there, who are in the same room, who is in the kitchen here smokes something else there. i feel somehow in my own kind of merka why? well, i want to say some kind of mirok, that is, i don’t go to them relate. i myself play relaxed. but in principle, somehow here, but how would they describe you. here is marina with us, she is what an independent. well, such a marina , you always put it there, you take it, yes hmm well, in the sense, marina will not go anywhere, if you put it on, nothing

would happen to her. it looked like some form of indifference towards you. yes, i still have a feeling, that is, that, well, as if unloved probably, yes, there is not a board on this or somehow i do not know how a girl. yes, i always feel like i'm was. and even as a child, i always played with toys, but i don’t know there, a submachine gun, there was something like that, that is. well, here's the boy, it seems it was your choice, or is it still how you are brought up. it's more likely that you would not be mine, it seems to me. why do you think you could have chosen being a boy the first phrase that comes to mind? did the pope want a boy? did the father want a son? yes, well, somehow here in some conversations. i heard it so not that directly he told me that, well, no, i wanted the first i don't remember the boy. yes, but in some

that dad really wanted a boy. if i now ask you to imagine such a picture, imagine a separate department. a woman in labor is lying, this is your mother, and now she is giving birth and you are born. here you see a little girl. what feelings do these events evoke in you? this is a picture picture, but i see mom looking at her and how do you feel? so you were born with a girl? perhaps they did not know who would be born then not yet set. this is a surprise for them . i'm glad. and papa papa is near

no. well, when he sees you, what are the feelings of his fantasies, well, as if smiling , i would be a daughter, in principle, everything is yes, well , that's what i see when dad came, when dad is around. dad is also happy, but just at some point, for some reason, you decided marina that you have to be a boy, that in order for dad to be around you have to be a boy. just because the child is in general, in principle, a-a o sexy, he does not realize his gender for a very long time he does not understand. what is the difference between boys and girls, that is, it is only in relation to him adults. yes, there girls are dressed up in pink boys are dressed up in blue, but the child does not have a sexual gender. in fact, when you asked me about who made the decision to become a t-shirt, that is, is it yours or there, not yours? yes, here i am back, as it were, yes, and there is no such thing. well, who is a boy or a girl? just like

i want to say that i'm a favorite child. well, in the sense, yes, well, the child came out in this sense, there i am, yes, i am of my decision. no, i don't see it there. i am, well, then marina grows, and at some point, marina still, as it were, is confronted with the information that she is marina marina is not misha yes, and marina needs to choose somehow at this moment, but now marina chooses toys for boys. i will assume that at this moment your own rejection of the fact that you are a woman to girls at that time occurred, if so, what could cause this rejection of the female essence. how interesting, now such a picture appeared in my head and the phrase was such yes, dad wanted a boy. mom wants to say that mom

cold, that is. well, the relationship with your mother is cool, but you feel more like dad. i want dad to feel good accepting more. that 's probably, yes, well, because in this way he will understand more, as if more understandable, as it were. well, yes, and that’s why it’s vanilla , it’s not clear to dad how to deal with it, as if you feel it at all, like dad loved mom, dad was soft. dad was kind, dad was attentive, dad did things that i still remember there, but such moments and hmm what? well, let's say there any holiday. well, what a holiday. we are sleeping now, he woke up very early and ran for flowers. and well, roughly speaking, we woke up with flowers. here it is around the face. well, that is here. well, i don't know, for me

it's a bright holiday on march 8th. it wasn't just him on march 8th. these are birthdays. it's some kind of holidays there mmm. well, he often tried. not well, just like that, i don’t remember, but on holidays. yes, he always did this to both my mother and me, yes, to my mother, he still showed me in every possible way, that you are a girl, yes, yes, that is, not quite a child. no, i don’t remember, let’s say that the first rejection of your femininity happened then in childhood, he was completely unconscious, but he led you to, let’s say, meet with dad, so that there is more mutual understanding, so that dad feels good. as he expressed, and then you grow up and, accordingly , a boy is born for 8 years, your brother is your reaction. how did you associate yourself with these events in general? how did you cope with the fact that a new person appeared in the family, she fun, if you start from your own position. i hung such a responsibility for

him senior. well, it was said to me, and there you are older, you have become older. now, in general , everything happened to me, when he appeared, it was very much carried away by my brother into him. she is a direct infection experience, kissed him there, yes and that's right all the time it's in my opinion, again, here's dad with him how? well, the youngest son there i am older, but he is a man. some other person, different upbringing. did not have. this is his mom right here he is right here my mother's skirt, straight, it looks like there, the films are there, yes, and, as it were, dad to him like well, like a boy. i don't know how to write it.

i didn’t fuss, i didn’t lisp, somehow not there. no, i don’t know how to take the word there . they had some activities with dad that you and dad didn’t have. i do not know there to go fishing to hunt in the garage. no, i'll explain now, bro, i don't remember just at what age? but he went to the kindergarten, they took him to the kindergarten to his grandmother, and i don’t remember. for what reason i had a little one there, yes, and that somehow then it didn’t go on i asked, like, what is the state of health, the climate is different there and my brother was sent to my grandmother. i mean, i grew up with my undesirable parents all the time. and then they took him there , and my parents went there to tambov. now i’ll tell you when he was 12 or 13 years old, about the same as adults were 14 years old. you are no longer tin. i was 21 years old. i'm 20 yes 20-21 almost uh-huh. so i've already begun to live separately, yeah. here, but as if my father did not have this time.

here, well, with uh, they grew further. so you become a girl and you are fourteen there. well, how did you feel about yourself? how did you feel in this world kid? ah here is, i have perception was always only behavior such. here's our codec, something like that. i don't know it's there, well, the behavior is more boyish, but they don't. well, why do you think? i don't know how correct this is? well, dad perceived me like that, but dad accepted me like that, well , accordingly, probably, other men or other people there, probably, they should have perceived it on other girls who behaved differently. treated them. here they are, i don’t know , they were painted conditionally, but there were such as noble girls. uh, this is a very interesting point, because i've always looked after myself. even though i felt. that is , i have such a perception that communication has always been there, right? but if i took care of myself, i put on make-up. hmm there, i don't know,

there, well, hair styling, everything there. that is, i always looked after myself, i always had it, but navalny such girls they become somehow for you, uh, images are dangerous or unacceptable, well, there were others girls who are different, why did you put them? what to say? some here, if it's just that vanilla they have stupid stupid fools. yes? uh-huh yes, yes, and, accordingly , it is very important not to become dumb. maybe, uh -huh, maybe yes, well, i didn't like it. naturally, no matter how i look at her i'm not like that, i won't be like that, and in any case, at some point , uh, physiological processes began. when you realize that you have become a girl , this is the moment when you first had, and these days are so-called, how did you take it and who was next to you, and you knew what

was happening or you lay down to die from blood loss. it was a little different. we lived in a small village, we went for a walk, and friends came to visit us there. and how, well, my mother's friend is her daughter. so the four of us went for a walk in the center, let's call it the village in the center. here, and hmm, and when was it some kind of warm summer day, or what? well, in general, it's warm, sunshine, in my opinion, this is we are returning. i don't remember much about this moment at home. i told my mother that something is not right, well, somehow here we are we go home, and this plane did not talk about such topics. that is, i was actually formed in these plans for spiritual conversations. never been with my mom. hmm , so i came home. i have one. well, it's kind of a shock, yes. mom was shown something like this. well, that is, here, well , as usual, well, i'm worried about something. what is there

? well, now that's all. here, too , go yourself trial. yes, it makes sense, how would it turn out to be some kind of individuation, but the fact that you become a girl, mom did not commit. even though she's the one who does it. well yes, the transition is exactly like this, well, that is, how would you figure it out yourself, with a high probability , you can assume that your mother didn’t really know either, as if from a woman, most likely, uh-huh, i just know my grandmother, that is, too. in general, very callous, this is the controller, but she worked in the fsb at one time. hmm, she was sitting on reading letters, checking. well, in the sense of somehow listed. in general, all this is necessary on the noses of everyone there. such are the cases, and, as it were, a grandmother is very tough, very tough. how much i love to be in control and everyone. well, in general, mom grew up in such circumstances, it turns out that this

initiation did not happen and mom did not immerse you in this process, but then anyway you grow up and then boys begin, and, accordingly, all sorts of gambling, marriage of a sexual nature and so on, yes, that is, you understand that here, too , accordingly, you kind of have to make some kind of decision. you were scared , did you know where life was taking you or, in general, i remember my first experience, and it was like, well, everything, smoothly flowing all of our consciously. yes, yes it was. it wasn't a relationship. at that moment it was an ambiguous relationship. then such long-term ones began. it happened , you know, when everything is already around. uh huh i haven't yet. something like this. well, okay, somehow even somewhere ashamed, probably, it was. here, but this belatedness was also associated, as if with some kind of femininity, they didn’t understand, that is, immaturity, yes, that’s how you

perceived it. difficult to complex. uh-huh reacted calmly, but he only said. well, this one sighed a little, but with such an understanding. he says, well, it was your choice there, yes, as it were, well, i would like, as he had such a phrase, but i would like it to be back and forth in marriage. in general, as it is supposed to be there, yes to my mother i was afraid to say this , dad said about it, mom's reaction was everything, as usual. and how? well, in general, everything on this has become some kind of your sacred secret, that now you are a woman with you. are you like all of you now? well, probably partly. yes, i can

assume that you have changed, and not to say that i was directly pleased with this. everyone. that is, that it was somehow so it seems, right? well, probably, somehow it will be better not what everyone describes. everything is far away, not the same picture. uh-huh so i think that somehow it has changed and how your relationship has already gone astray. and i just got in a relationship. after that somewhere i don't remember after a while. well, somewhere in six months, probably, well, i'll start. yes, there the feeling became more somehow yes, and, accordingly, then i had a relationship in which we had a relationship, we lived together then, ah, 5 years. well, in these relations, you played some kind of women's game or, nevertheless, you immediately started playing men's there, it would not have worked out much, probably, it was still some kind of women's game of your own. uh, because man. so to say, i can probably say stronger,

probably, or i was dependent on him there. yes, it's boring. i fell in love there, but i felt at that moment you had feelings. i’m into him, he ’s into me, as it were, but at first everything is so beautifully good there, then somehow it got a little more complicated, that ’s all. such felt laid down by all some. well, in general, yes, depending on that, that is, there was some, after all, i was another collision with the fact that if you are a woman, then you are, accordingly, in danger, because if you play this female party, then, accordingly, you become a hostage of a man, on which you depend. hmm, there was a depreciation of you, yes, as a person, but as a person? like women. yeah, there, well, the man was walking straight for a while and it was not a cover, but practically. well, that is , everyone knew, many knew. well, you continued to stay in that relationship. here i am about it say it was addicted, most likely. this is exactly what i'm talking about, that you

seem to be hostages of behavior from this little tomboy, who you changed her to a softer, or something, female position , failure lay in wait here. yes, there was suppression here. that's how a person would like to crush me under him, so that i do. that's right, exactly everything that he wants, and he will do what he wants. well, that's what he wants , in fact. we have just discovered several stages, at each of which you faced with being a woman , well, such a story, like a story itself, in general , somehow in general, it is adjusted to men according to their request, and being a woman often means simply serving the interests of a man. yes, i generally disagree with this. somehow i don't agree with this. it's just culturally the way

it looks now. i'm not saying that this is correct, but often women seem to find themselves in positions in which they have to serve the interests of a man. a man gets something. many people don't get anything. just lying on the couch but still continues to beckon. eh, the ruler of the world earners, well, there are earners among them. yes, and a woman, accordingly, she somehow owes something all the time in this sense , a man also has a lot of debts and his cockroaches there , too . just the same, here in this female state, girls girls women. yes, u have every time faced with the fact that this is not a very pleasant position. yes, she seems to be returning a little. and there is such hypothesis. say yes, if it seems true that at the moment when your brother left, and he was sent to grandma, and you stayed with dad, dad, who was expecting a son, and

he had a lot of expectations about it. yes. and as if there was no lot left, even then, in order to please dad , in order to be next to him, it is necessary, as if to replace not only himself in the role of a non-vanilla girl, but also to replace his brother, very similar to this. well, that is, this is the position, it is more convenient, it is more familiar and there is a result from it. running come on,

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you, but at the same time, with all this, it was with my on the other hand, there is some kind of trick, which consists in the fact that those images that you reject in many ways carry a danger to you, which means that marina has become a vanilla woman? so let's imagine marina is a vanilla woman, and what will happen in this world? well , you know who will die, who will be upset, who will cry? who will be disappointed? well , let's think that means no one at all. well, whoever dies, nobody dies from this, right? well , as if marina suddenly tomorrow, of course, this is how another marina takes you want to say, weakness vulnerability will come out, that is, here, and hmm sensuality is there, probably, that's why i

ask what will happen in the world along with the fact that one marina dies and does not wake up, this vanilla one wakes up. it’s very difficult for her to even imagine somehow, probably it’s hard for me to even imagine how it will be, it will be somehow different in any case there. yes, this is probably what i strive for, what i want to see for myself, and get out of myself. you're scary somehow even scary. what's frightening there? what 5 minutes is not accept such disappointed, who will be upset? who? i don’t accept myself, it turns out that you don’t accept this part of course, marina hello, how does the service novel alice frank 2 series come in a completely different role? well, you come to work, completely

different. here in some other femininity in some other hypostasis. your employees will stop listening to you no, our colleagues will stop talking to you. no, your partners will stop communicating with you. will react now they face marina who aggressively herself there and cope with everything herself and thus also devalues ​​the male experience of relationships. you are trying to become a man, but at least in front of a woman. why did i say that when a boy is born a man is born? here in this world, which is absolutely in

our head, the idea is formed that a woman is not quite a person, as if not quite deserving. and everything that is possible, but uh, the mistake is that many women begin to enter into this confrontation, and in an attempt to even out very often lose, just themselves, and we are simply different, that is, men. these are men, women are women, and we are just different, and here it is very important to allow yourself to be a woman, and allow men to be men, without trying to remake anyone, because any remake is an attempt at castration. this is, in general, your castration. if i were a freudian of the brain of bones i would now say that it is your envy of the penis that is expressed in this way. maybe freddie was also not just a bastard to sew. yes , he understood what was at stake, but at the same time

it is clear to everyone that this is laid right in the very early childhood in games with boys. in the realization that i am not a boy, and there all this is laid and laid. the same envy, but it is important to learn how to work with this envy. and how can we work with envy, only realizing that you have your life , i have my own life, and when we begin to enjoy our own life, our own body, our own elements of manifestations, and our own perception, then we begin to get just the same our own life. and here it is very important that they just let it go and let them do nothing on purpose, but let this femininity flourish. i could ask, why is this part, which, of course? yes, you have it, it is femininity. this is vanilla even in the most hypertrophied manifestation. it's still there somewhere. yes, it is important to find some balance, but now that you feel that it is worth discovering, that

it is worth raising it? yes, and somehow show more that it will give. why is this probably want to answer. so e my masculine behavior, it blocks my relationship with a man. that's it, well that is me being afraid they don't suit me either. well, maybe i'm unpleasant. it’s just that even in such a manifestation it’s somehow too harsh. yes, when i put men on myself and, accordingly, i begin to somehow measure themselves with them. a hmm i want attention , like any woman i want attention i want normal attention, no language , so that it doesn’t exist there, let’s say, yes, so that it passes by there, yes, but i want it. yes i want to attention damn, yes, attention is attention. there are questions about your reaction to this attention, perhaps for you, the attention of a man scares. then you a priori will put on this protection that you didn’t look like that. by the way, that's why i said, there will be no bad questions here. i wonder if it already exists? why is she

dangerous? why is it dangerous to recognize and admit him to her? let's imagine such a situation. here you are, there is a man who is interesting to you, and he begins to show his attention to you , his care, why is this dangerous? what's going on with you any other man? i don't know the taxi driver, the seller there, the loader director. uh, oligarch, whatever. here is a man, they still show attention. there, the first experience, most likely, of these relationships, yes, which will be the first straight. well, the first one is long. well, this is an abuse, they do not consider you a person. what do i want to do? this is even somewhere raising a hand, yes, physically impacting. well, it 's scary, but i don't know, it seems to me that i've already

somehow learned how to defend the border with me so it's impossible. well, you can do whatever you want if i have enough strength and i will beat you and travel around, i will do anything the question is different for you now it is important in order for this femininity to be found the classic that you are looking for you are not looking for where you lost, where it is light. and if you want her to be found, then the question is that you should be attentive to the attention that is shown, but at the same time you do not have to marry them. to build relationships with them, but just to allow this attention to be and in this attention will begin open up. just the same, your femininity does not need to be answered in any way, you must accept it, because there is an idea, as if that, as soon as this attention is shown in relation. to you. you need to quickly, quickly put up this protective barrier, because between you this barrier, as if there really is an empty

space there and very quickly ah, this dangerous person, but get closer and there you don’t know how to be there further to see it. now there is a feeling, as if there hmm, this barrier is being placed, and as if i owe something. if you show attention, then it’s as if i have to give something in return , that i really shouldn’t have anything, so i say, learn to just take this attention and be in it and that’s it. i understood. yes, i didn’t look here, what i’m leaving with, here. with all understanding, which i firstly, we found these moments. honestly, i didn’t even realize somehow, i didn’t understand that it’s very valuable for me that we call these moments of my initiation. so i also saw them, that they were very important on well, as on my formation, as cool woman. and, accordingly, that i do not owe anything to anyone in fact. and just this moment, when hmm well, i realized that i'm not yet where i need to be. i came

here with this, but now there is still a moment that m-m. just accept, just enjoy, just be. well , simply yes, you will simply reveal femininity there. you don't have to do anything yourself. this is not a forced procedure. yes found that you just have to be it seems. yes, it just sounds like a word there. yes, it’s not always, it’s clear how it is do. that is, how it manifests itself, in fact, but i have. eh, understanding how to do it? he yes it is. i can just write this state, as i understand it, how i feel it, how to just be when you are in the moment, and you don’t have extraneous thoughts in your head. you're not in the future thinking about what i need to do. you are not in the past. the pace is digesting some situation. my aunt lyusya stepped on my foot 2 hours ago, how painful it was, what kind of bastard is she? excuse me. yes, but you are here. you see a person. some manifestations and, you know, a state

of some kind of silence. yes, i don’t know, inner silence, and you are in observation. well, you spoke very beautifully about the future, about the past, about the future. this is when the surrounding men show attention to you. but you don’t make plans to give your grandchildren the past, so you don’t return the future - it’s to remove this position, i have to do it there, and i’ve already built everything there, yes, but don’t drag the past. here is the baggage from the past. this is the past men to compare to our present with those. yes, it's just there just have a person like and let it be. that's how it was remove this importance. this is the importance of attention approaching you because you , unlike the baby of the girl who had this initiation. you are an adult woman who is actually able to withstand this borderline and let you in and approach you as much as you feel comfortable, even this pleasant, correct,

good game. and just in this, there is even femininity, yes, the class is super. great. thank you marin for such a deep conversation in general. thank you very much, what was it under the kostriger, and we were with you sergey on ourselves. here he is tatyana krasnovskaya, a psychologist and psychotherapists, and marina was our guest with whom we talked about the nature of her femininity. professor of the gnessin academy of music one of the most famous and in demand on the whole planet