[000:00:00;00] uniformity and the suppression of personal exclusivity of bohemians to individual exclusivity suggests considering personal achievements as the basis of social success, while group exclusivity implies membership in a group as the basis of this success, therefore , bohemians were also so mistaken when they put on global projects, considering them a guarantor freedom is only orthodox traditions, as in vintia, so in the russian empire it never fell to the level of group exclusivity , this tradition survived and in the era of the ussr there were people who

allowed to swim against the current. i give you an evil life, i will give it to redeem my guilt by exclusivity, that is, personal qualities undeniable talents or achievements gave bright, personalities freedom that others did not have. global projects of the enlightenment

are sharpened there is another phenomenon associated with the ussr . his figure still causes ambiguous assessments, some consider him a bloody dictator , others consider him the savior of the country. but no matter how badly they wrote about him. stalin constantly

pops up with them when it comes to exceptional personalities in the history of russia, stalin never became a real globalist , like lenin or trotsky, the country in which he was born and raised mattered to him, and

it’s not about georgia, but about the empire, real globalists have no homeland, their homeland of the planet. stalin was an imperial man and a red globalist at the same time , these two sides of his nature could not find a balance for a long time, the choice was predetermined by the war. stalin staked on what was left of the imperial consciousness. and the creation of a new person ended exactly at the moment when the understanding came, you are born global projects of the enlightenment

while a person is alive and developing, he is able to change, having become infected with marxism in the theological academy, stalin eventually revised his attitude towards religion. in his youth. he was an ardent atheist who supported the theomachism of the destruction of temples and the persecution of clergy. but over time, he changed his attitude towards the church, it is known that he treated some clergymen with great respect, for example, the armenian catholicus and the worker, the sixth after the only stalin's personal meeting with him, stalin gave permission to hold a non-national church council. in anticipation of that cathedral were

restored. and in 1945, gevorg the sixth sent a letter to stalin expressing support for his policy, most likely, stalin realized that the global projects of the enlightenment are nothing compared to religious global projects and they will not have a thousand-year history, because they are the product of an imperfect human mind, the only action, the only

instrument of which is logic. adepts, both of the red project and the liberal one, are invariably built on the common good, love for the neighbor and a wonderful common future. but in fact, all the efforts of lovers to unify humanity in the name of all that is good turn into terror, the creation of an exclusive group with exclusive rights, the suppression of exceptional individuals and bloody wars for world domination. you can not create or build in its triumph, you just have to believe. then perhaps it

will materialize. in 1925, the share of the belarusian industry in the production of electricity per capita, the moldovan ussr more than doubled the world average . by the end of the 1990s, more than 70% of enterprises built in moldova during the soviet era ceased to exist. during the years of soviet power, the power industry received a powerful development in the ussr during the years of soviet power, more than ten nuclear power plants were built and gas

premiered rivers, the ussr in the west against russia will fail someday to catch the film the fourth west on the sixth and seventh of march on the first hello this podcast is a must- read. i am aglaya na batnikova director writer. today we will talk about the leventhal reducible. uh, a writer to literary critics about truman's novel the hood and breakfast silence. hello vadim e, let 's first tell about this novel for those who have not read it, uh, we are talking about new york - this is the forty -third year, the second world war and youth.

bohemian new yorker a is having a good time and aspiring young writer a meets his neighbor young girl a of indeterminate occupation a he is fascinated by her and has a crush on her. ah, tender friendship. and let's figure it out. this is generally a novel about, love or friendship. well, i would say , first of all, that this novel is still about the main character, that is, the fact is that it seems to me that this is the most important thing in this text in this book. ah, and confirmation. uh , the fact that we managed to create a wildly important hood, and the female image is what we still remember and read this book. well, here is the image of this main character. it seems to me that he is important, that on but uh, she seems to be as far as possible from the bourgeois ideal

of a woman. oh well, what is the ideal of a woman's ideal women, this is, uh, a respectable, but chaste housewife, mother of the family. so she keeps at home. she is raising children. she cooks for her husband. i don't know, it's roast beef. uh, bream, while waiting for him from work. yes, yes, this is the feminine ideal that bourgeois society presents us with, as it were , conscious yes, but at the same time it exists, but its fantasies are unconscious. psychoanalysts call this phantasm yes, that is, it is some kind of unconscious fantasy around which the erotic is organized. not quite, but insofar as life unconscious, she's generally largely uh erotic. the main thing is that we are not always aware of this fantasy of our unconscious. and even more difficult

to understand. how is our inner world. in this case, the inner world of this society. yes, organized around uh, this fantasy about this woman who, in relation to this ideal wife, the mother of the family, is in opposition to her and is absolutely opposite. come on, what could be further from this one, that means the mother of a beautiful family. let's talk a lot ooh doesn't work. she is 19 years old. she. well, you can say the profession of escort, she accompanies men to restaurants and, uh, they give her money for a toilet 150, then she collects 100 dollars and she always lives on boxes. she has friends. uh, with connections, she's always being offered something to do, but she denies everything. well, we know that she lives without a schedule , gets up in the middle of the day, then dresses for a long time

, puts on makeup, goes to a restaurant around her all the time , a crowd of men, uh, motley and uh, actually, this is the question. why is this the girl attracts the attention of the hero who is starting to write or why is he so fascinated by her well, i would first ask another question. and why is she so attracted to the attention of all these men who circle around her, how, uh, let's say. so the butterflies around the flower, not to say a little more rude yes indeed, let's immediately note that the image of something wild archetypal bonnets in an interview speaks of a modern geisha. that is, we must clearly understand what it is all the same. occupation is very strong different from trading the body. yes, body trading is one thing. this occupation is not a prostitute, of course, but uh, you can say that

this temptation trades in this way to earn a body, she endlessly seduces, but virtuoso. yes, a femme fatale, of course, a woman sits hard girl difficult fate, yes, because a difficult childhood. in dire circumstances , rape, i mean, it's all mentioned. this is an archetypal image for bourgeois literature, but on the other hand, and it is taken from reality, but because these women in new york around those years were described not only by the hood, yes, if we take, but henry's books miller yes, in particular roman is famous for sex, and there are such as holly goylighter, there is not one, there are many such girls described, and again, we know from the interview of the hood from the memoirs of contemporaries there from some articles that there are quite a lot of women pretended to be, uh, the prototypes of holly goole, yes, literally

every second one would like to copy me, but we ourselves must note that he is generally a documentary filmmaker, and in fact, when you read the novel, you understand that the real the prototype was still impossible to come up with so many real details of some nuances, and in general, his specialty is documentary, and it seems to me that he just found very good material for his documentary history. i think the point here is that this is a collective image after all. this is a novel and no, a documentary essay. come on, not non-fiction, we know that it is difficult to have a lot of wonderful non-fiction on the hoods. there the most famous of them is uh, incold uh, murders in russian translation. and this is still roman, and it is important here that this is a collective image, on my opinion. there were just a lot of them, but girls in real life. have you met such girls in real life. or they were only in new york in the forties. no. absolutely not, not only in new york

in the forties. eh, and i met her, and with some of our amendments for our time, they live and work. uh, and now uh, the fact is that this figure is, in principle, characteristic of e bourgeois society. yes, that is, it is precisely by this logic that there is a conscious fantasy about the ideal woman housewife, blah blah blah and so on and so then there is an unconscious phantasm and around which it is organized in reality, as if this subject yes , the collective subject of this society. and this phantasm is just such a tear from the urva, you understand, you understand here, uh, this is some kind of tear in the fabric of this being. she is being. it is broken into society at this place. yes, because in essence, and what it tells us is an image. uh, liberated sexuality, first of all. yes, yes, the heroes separately mention that holly is not

shy about anything and even at some point, uh, she begins to count the number of his lovers and notes that there were not so many of them. holly speaks and the characters notice that the first time she was generally embarrassed was when she was talking about someone. one way or another, this is a liberated sexuality, liberated from the conventions of bourgeois society from the conventions of marriage. there and so on and so on and so forth is not a trade in the body, but sexuality. it's important, right? and, that is, to some extent, this is, in principle, the idea of ​​​​freedom. ah, that is, at this point, and the bourgeois society discovers that it does not the inner is free, but yearns for freedom, hates itself because it has deprived itself of this freedom, hates itself for its cynicism. and for his duplicity and e that is why this image is connected with some tragic stories.

well, the fact is that literature still remains bourgeois, and it must propagate something, yes, that is, it always must, but this woman should still be punished by someone a little different, then he of this novel. i would say admiration. fuck than, uh. they told nastasia philippines is delighted, but to stab her, nevertheless less. all the same, it is absolutely necessary not to slaughter her, you understand? well, holly is going through a disaster too. that is, as a result of her some kind of game with the mafia. she goes every thursday, uh, to the singsink prison, uh, and sends some coded messages about the weather. she gets paid for it, uh, 500 dollars, i think, or well, there's something in it at all. 200 are given when the severance pay, well, good money good money and 43 years old. yes, and she transmits some messages. here she is referring to the conversation. actually with a hero. and he

the only one guesses, probably, that these are not just reports about the weather, and in the end, when she starts playing herself, she tries to become a good wife and mother, but conditionally. yes, she is pregnant, she is ready, and she cooks different dishes at home, she is expecting a baby for the wedding. and in general, uh, so to speak, refuses, you can say, from his lifestyle, plans to move to some other status, because a disaster happens. i'm being arrested. in disgrace, she must fly to rio de janeiro, and it's clear that for a new yorker to fly to rio de janeiro - it's like flying from moscow to siberia yes, in exile in the village of an aunt in saratov, yes. and it's a shame you know the scandalousness of breakfast at tiffany's, after all, well , novels of course, in that the punishment frame is something completely different.

ah, well, the artistic frame lies in the fact that at the beginning they find out that she is in africa yes, and in general somehow here she travels around africa , they remember, uh, the bartender and actually the hero, who did you see her, and in the form of an escort what -something of the expedition and some kind of portraits are being drawn from it, that’s it. well it looks like holly agree. they are with each other. well, for sure , it turns out that the scandalous thing is that and why is she not punished, or something, but how does it happen? she should, like, sit and cry for being so bad, and sitting means bad behavior, and she travels around africa for some men. this is a terrible scandal. these are horrors. a nightmare should not be like this, and in this scandalousness of this text, here you generally think that truman is doing some kind of slap in the face to society. eh, taking the dick out. yes, and in this sense, he is

a predecessor. uh, the next generation writers and beatniks, uh, all sorts of kiruacs, uh, and so on and so forth paves the way for them, yes, of course, this is a slap in the public taste. yes, and the image of the narrator. yes, uh yes, let's say two things about him, that a, firstly, a transparently hinted that she refers to the people of the moonlight, yes, lost to women. yes, but on the other hand, the narrator himself says that he , as it were, is now running away from mobilization, both of these, of course, make him absolute for the american society of the 40-40s outcast. yes, he is absolutely not patriotic at all and an outcast of the outcast, not uh, causing contempt, do not look. yes, it’s not clear how they earn money, doing some kind of creativity that no one is preparing yet and no one is paying, but let’s note that

this is what brings him closer to holly, of course, these are two outcasts, two outsiders, two outsiders. yes, two places are the scandals of this society. yes, this woman is a tearaway and a young man without a certain occupation, yesterday 's sorority and only such a storyteller, and can earn the trust of this heroine and maybe, but any other buildup can tell about it reliably. it would be unreliable that they understand it. she does not perceive him when the bull is in the first place, because he is lost to women, and secondly, he is not rich. that is , she can be sincere and open with him, and he knows her real, that is, not her mask, with which, relatively speaking, she hunts. yes, and her as a person who let him in. he is close. maybe, e, to describe it, the fact of the matter is that no one else could describe it; no one else understands it. you understand her, only he, because that he, too, is, uh, in a situation

, here is the opposition, but to this bourgeois society and its ideals, but i would not say that they directly oppose themselves to ideals, because they are already hanging out in clubs and expensive alcohol. they enjoy, in my opinion, let's say, uh, successful, but the lifestyle of successful rich people. they are at least imitating it already. i think in particular. it seems to me that it is fundamental that, ah, they are both in this structure, but they are in the same position. this brings them closer. this allows them to understand each other so this narrator. or maybe tell about it plainly yes, with understanding. the mechanism for the development of pain is not important, what caused it and more, if

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vadim levintal, writer and literary critic. we’re talking about truman’s novel, tiffany’s breakfast hoods, i also want to draw attention to the fact that holly, in general, doesn’t behave very nicely, that is, a friend comes trying to take away the gentlemen and holly, while she goes to the toilet, informs everyone with the help of ephemism about that she has a venereal disease. eh, this is a bad deed , ugly, and there this life and on boxes e is not necessary if the ability to handle things is the inability to handle money. that's all. uh, not pretty at all, but still less e we see that towards the end of the book. for example, i already cried from sympathy. to holly how kind and generous she is, what a wonderful person she is. and in general, some of its qualities are manifested. yes, generosity courage. these are the actions in what things, that is

, in what this optics of the author is manifested, uh, allowing us to see in her a wonderful kind person, firstly, she knows how to make friends. yes, she is friends with a storyteller, who tells us all this, but she loves animals, after all , she loves animals in many ways. sincerely in their manifestations. yes, she says that hmm than i differ from other women, then i still have each of my men. i try to fall in love with such a confession is worth a lot, and i would suggest you, uh, to conduct thoughts on an experiment. so you say, so, here, she does not know how to handle money there blah blah blah. and let's try to build from the contrary. yes , it means a woman who knows how to handle money on the farm, which means she stands firmly on her feet, knows what she wants, always tells the truth. uh, never betrays their own. already there and so on and so on and so on. and about such a woman, you can write

roman well, that's how you can. well, try to remember at least one roman e, in which , as it were, it would be told, like this, the heroine, who now represents this official bourgeois ideal. after all, you can’t think of a single one, in which a woman becomes natasha rostova yes, on the basis, but at this moment the novel ends. further, there is nothing to tell. well, firstly, there is nothing to tell, and secondly, there is still a mention of the word female, that is some she will stop huh? yes yes yes. well, holly, we fortunately do not see in this state. we see how she tries to enter him, but then the situation throws her away like a champagne cork and in the end. she remains e. in this. by the way, apparently, because in the film she is after all. well, as it were, it lands, but on this correct lane. yes, all this is a settlement. yes, but in the book she, on the contrary, breaks away into the third cosmic one. let's discuss the movie. and

how is it different from the book in the book there is no love story between the narrator, uh and uh the heroine between them has friendly relations love friendship i would say so friendship admiration, but no and no yes yes, there are no erotic experiences in this sense, but in the film we are told a story, well, relatively speaking, the launch. yes, like, met the principle. well, there is also such a moment that breakfast at tiffany's in the film is some kind of, almost tiffany's product placement, they hang out in this store , open some boxes. and by the way, he’s not a film critic, but i’m sure that this store paid everything there confidently, that everything went to the store paid, but the fact is that in the book itself in the novel itself. uh, tomorrow does not exist in typhus, as a kind of image. paradise for holly and why does she tell fred about this paradise,

she calls the hero fred after her beloved brother, that is, she says, i will call you fred. it doesn’t matter what your name is, you will be fred, and now, she conditionally shares her intimate experiences with our fred with him, because she becomes depressed. she has bouts of sadness. she calls it climb the wall, and then we understand where it comes from, because she has had a tough childhood. yes, she generally wandered around potehas, ran away from home. and here is tiffany for her a place where there is a calm place that saves her from depression. she arrives there and lets her go. and i think it's completely different than what we see in the movie where we just see in a jewelry store. yes , it's not played at all. well, it seems to me that the important thing here is that this same store is, in principle, no matter how the image of her, this is, in principle, a bourgeois paradise. this is what

a bourgeois paradise looks like, you come, and there it means here they sell you. uh, expensive, and you've got money in the area. yes, they sell for a high price, which means that they dream of giving you all sorts of beautiful things there, they carry coffee with you. this is a bourgeois paradise. and here it is important, after all, that when she talks about it, climb on the wall, they are on the sleep of the narrator, but they remember the word angst. yes, angst. e word from haider's philosophy, actually, well, let's not confuse expanders at all here, but let's just say one thing, that e is in accordance with philosophy. eh, haidagers, this is the very feeling, angst, and it is this that gives birth, they generally say consciousness. yes, that is, consciousness cannot exist outside of this thing that it is called climbing the wall. and what does this mean that in a bourgeois paradise, where there is no angkong , there can be no consciousness. i would like, as it were, vegetables , yes, and that is why, in the book, we are rather

glad for her that she ended up in africa? yes, there are payments. well, who does not want to travel around africa means spending the night in a hut in africa. and that's it. it also seems extreme to me, and on the other hand, how objectively sad is the finale of the film, when we we understand that, well, everything will never happen to this heroine again in life. it's just that she's become boring, so now she's going to be a soup pot. yes himself big and so until the end of life a and b surrounded. so these jewels and so on and so forth. well , there is nothing more to say about you. but about the one that travels around africa, we feel that there can be a few more forces. yes? yes? vadim do you think this is an autobiographical novel listen. well, to be honest , i wouldn't study the biography in detail. hood. i think that maybe maybe, why not. we again protrum, on the hood, we know that he is a great artist, but he is also

a great journalist. yes, he wrote a lot of books. just documented, and yes , the book in cold blood is a documentary novel ordered by the book. really quite in the actual scene of a rather loud famous murder. ah, terribly cruel, in fact, such murders happen in america and not only in america, but one such is not one, but the hoods in this book are issued through one murder and through the description of this town , the description of all these characters. well, that is , living people, yes, and those who were killed by these two young people of the murders. he spins their biographies. yes, they are good, and so on and so forth, but he shows. e, that is, he and private e, goes back to the general. yes , he shows, in general, how it works. this is american society. and tomorrow what does tiffany have the same trick from the particular to the general rule? it seems to me that, in this

sense, breakfast at tiffany's is also such a photograph of society. in many ways, similar to this character. how do you associate it, after all, the film shot one way or another, after all, it became, uh, material for a hollywood film. this classic film is also important because, again, since it is so popular, it is obvious that, ah, this is some kind of very important fantasy, again, yes, for the people who watch and watch this film it’s another matter that i it seems to be a separate piece. imagine holly, of course, in a completely different way than? well, of course, yes, the appearance, havelena, such a sheep, she is, as it were hovering in the clouds. and that's just what i don't have. here is this predatory nothing, uh, not dangerous. yes deer. bam quite right and eyeballs. here they are, but holly has a terrible past at some point, fred notices that

some suspicious man of fifty years is following her on the street. uh begins to get close to him to find out what's going on and this man uh tells him that it turns out holly is his wife. he is a stichasa farmer and she is his wife, whom he married at 13 and is called moon. she was he already had a lot of free time, he already had many children of his own. uh, and he also says his mistress. here and uh, the heroes find out that it turns out that holly's name is actually lulamey. here and uh, holly, out of the blue , meets the love of this ex- husband of hers. she, that is, we assume that she can even pretend that she does not know him, yes, because some simple person. uh, it's just maybe, it smells very good with her, it smells like manure, and here holi, who can be said, u

, rotates in the company of hollywood stars and producers. uh, in the best clothes, very fashionable, famous, so to speak, itl and, but suddenly we see , quite unexpectedly for me, at least that she throws herself on the neck of this ex-husband of hers , consoles him, spends the night with him, escorts him to the bus, tries to explain to you that she no more lomey but i think it's quite such a touching feature but i just wanted to get back to drift ebrun that i can't imagine udre hepburn as a texan farmgirl. that's absolutely not. yes, this woman on the screen shows that she is all these horrors that the aristocrat u mention. uh, there is such an interesting twist that holly, uh, is still as in dealing with men. i consider a virtuoso, and this manifests itself, by the way,

including, uh, and in the fact that when this man, whom she chose her husbands , leaves her , having learned that her reputation was damaged by the arrest and connection with the mafia, he is a diplomat, and he urgently leaves without saying goodbye, leaving her some kind of terrible letter, uh, and she is in the hospital because she has a miscarriage due to nerves and comes to her. uh, fred and brings this letter. she tells him. i need to make up my lips, because a girl cannot read such letters. eh, no yes. yes. well, not only is it stupid, there, in general, she puts on makeup for a long time before reading this letter. well , when she reads this letter, when it is clear that he left her and never. will not appear again, but writes e, god forbid all the best to you and your child, writes. he is actually the father of this child. and here she is reading this and i was completely shocked by what she says.

well, what a rat, but i loved him, and that's it. and there is no more talk about him. that is, she instantly forgets about it. uh, that is, after the blow, she gets up, dusts herself off and runs with a cheerful gait. i couldn't go further. it's so easy, for example, to forget a man, even if he is a scoundrel and hurt, but holly absolutely shocks me. she is, in general, a samurai in the feminine sense, well, yes, to live with wolves like a wolf. and how else to survive in this e- cynical world, which will arrange according to the principle of the dead wolf man. today i am tomorrow, because these are the key principles of that very capitalism, the torch, which through the whole twentieth century brought the united states let it not survive. i don’t have any beautiful soul there, uh, i don’t know, the heroine of some soviet book. yes, now it does not occur to some such a beautiful stuffy idealist there, yes, to

which for ideals there for public goods, there, and so on and so forth. he doesn’t have it instantly, as if rolled up in asphalt, eat to survive, you can only survive on such a moderate amount of cynicism, but he still loves the kitten. and also a kitten. see, she's uh, trying to pretend she doesn't care about this kitten, like he doesn't have you. his name is not your name, and in general fate brought us together. i am not attached to him, and then, it turns out that he is attached, that is. you see here is such a dichotomy on the one hand. she is cynical and tries to be cynical, but on the other hand, it does not always work out. that's all the same, that's her nature, and initially this is a kind person, such as by nature kind. yes, but it still breaks through. she generally sees a name, she doesn’t give the cat and the heroes don’t call by name. that is, she tries not to become attached. to people, probably yes, instead of weakness, of course, for you to cover up. a

what is the name holly galightly? have you read the novel in the original? yes, in english. what do you think, i read this book in russian , uh, i read the incublat in english at one time, well, a hooligan laser for anyone who understands english is obvious explain yes, yes, let 's say that this is the name that she took herself. this is her pseudonym, which she herself came up with, a woman, a holiday a woman is a holiday, but gollightly. eh, i would say so, if the translation is creative. this is something like your importation. well, there is a person with whom it is easy to communicate, there e outcast a and here she is for these men of hers she is so naked or that is, e no need to strain, everything is fine. i am my own, well, that is, they are predators, yes, and an predator in this aquarium, she is a piranha, i

also wanted to talk about the fact that this novel was a breakthrough for the hold on the hoods. yes, he made him famous. and why do you think his early works were not noticed, maybe it's in the image of this and holly, maybe he really met such a girl, and she became his muse. it seems to me that one particular girls. uh, most likely, it was not, most likely the image was collective. he would just see a lot of girls like that. well, because there are too many of them in real life, then they raised their hands and shouted that it was me, it was me, it was me. well, somehow she even filed a lawsuit, because she really had a surname. well. that outwardly she was completely different from her was not even familiar. well there, well, when 20 women come out and say it's a prototype. i obviously have a collective image. and by the way, let's also say in such a way in forwarding that, uh, some

traits, generally speaking, a biography, and this very heroine. this features a biography of truman hood's mother. yes, this difficult childhood, early marriage, such pies were given away, a teenager is a girl, generally traumatic, but at the age of 13, but also a very early e, independent life, and a lonely independent life in a big city, in my opinion, is also in new york. i remember exactly now, maybe he took the traits of his mother precisely in order to get this holly on her. and here is the figurative pedestal. you could say that, maybe, uh, anyway anyway. here's to hood luck is that but this collective image hit the mark, yes, that is, it really reproduced to the maximum, uh, convincingly, as closely as possible, some very important uh story for the uh unconscious

of this very bourgeois society. that is, if it hadn’t been for the bullseye, well, the book would not have had such a success, yes, but the book’s success for it is always ensured by some problematic wound hitting the bullseye, where it generally fester bleeds. and so, when there is a writer or artist in the in a broad sense, yes, he will stick his first society like that. but ignores can not be remembered for a long time, and this seems to be a problem, that this is exactly such a woman, otorva, and these opposite wives. eh, that's it, she calls. without desire, it's a problem. the problem is that you, uh, consciously declare one thing, and the unconscious. you have a completely different fantasy, guys. you are bipolar. well, as they write these days on the internet, these of yours yes, but it’s not

possible, how to pray to an icon, and like turning away, uh, to do some other actions with dirty pictures. yes, that is a contradiction. this is cynicism, this is duplicity. yes, that is, duplicity within this, and society and it destroys it from the inside. yes, and i want to remove this contradiction, insincerity is felt in this. well, okay. vadim will round off. if you want to mention something else, say something separately. i might have, uh, said it was bloody murder. why is this novel interesting? and what is described there? well, the book cold-blooded murder can be a very long time to speak. i think this is the best book bonnet and may be one of the best american books of the 20th century. and maybe the best non-fiction ever written. yes? let's say this with a metaphor. yes, here, who watched lynch's films, for example, there is blue velvet yes, there is blue velvet opens

the frame. uh, the camera flies from above these, uh, perfect american towns. yes, here are one-story americans, which means that toy houses have tried such colored cars. this means bushes. someone is watering. so, these bushes with water, in general, everything is just perfect. everything is fine. then the camera goes down descends descends descends into the grass. and there, as it were, here, well, a carpet, yes, and it turns out that under the carpet there is something noticeable, well, that give pipes that devour each other. it's just cold out there. there are goosebumps in the back and in full horror, because yes, behind the wrong side of this they tried under the carpet. uh, real nightmares and real horrors are swept away. he's talking about it from the inside out. yes, i think, yes, under

the carpet, yes, yes, yes, and this is his instrument and his success is his success, but also great art, because after all, stas has such a passion with with such a talent for opening their abscesses different societies. few people succeeded, yes, yes, and he is terribly fascinating because you just can't put it down. and most importantly, in the end you sympathize. even this killer. of course, they are still scum bastards, there and so on and so forth. well, you just understand how they became such scum. do you understand logic? yes and at this moment you are seized by real horror, because in a different logic and in other patterns. these same guys might be don't know polar explorers space explorers e pilots are good in one. thank you for talking. thank you very much. this was a podcast, a must read. i'm a glon director to write or presenter podcasts today we discussed tomorrow

putin - this is the famous novel of the bonnets with vadim the elemental. this is a podcast of the psyche. my name is natalya loseva, a journalist for my co-host clinical psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences mikhail khors hello and our today's guest anastasia anastasia, tell us what led you to us. i came to you with the problem that i started having panic attacks, was the diagnosis yes or no? i am now striving for this in order to find out exactly with the professionals what is happening with me, but according to the descriptions and self-feelings , this is exactly what happened at the beginning of this year, but the peak came when i realized that something had to be done. it is necessary to change something

when i was just filling out the documents for a visa. well, it would seem that some ordinary documents that are constantly filled out. i saw a list of uh documents, there were many that need to prepare. and my body just froze. i couldn’t breathe, and i slammed the laptop shut, just threw it away, and for about an hour i tried to breathe and meditate. that is, i just didn’t know what could help me, so i’ll think meditation immediately dialed on the phone, listened and tried to breathe through this. and after that, for several months, i didn’t have such moments of problems now. well , it started literally a month and a half ago, but on an ongoing basis , the most terrible thing, probably, is when i lie down and can’t get up from me, as if my body is just, but paralyzed, but inside everything is like that, that

is, well, a very terrible feeling. eh, it's not lazy. when you're just lying down, i don't want to get up. and you want. you have everything right here, like this, uh, it boils exactly, as if in the soul in the region of the lungs. i don’t know how to explain the nerves, but there are also a lot of thoughts in my head, and they are just on top of each other, there are ideas and experiences, that is. a very huge stream of thoughts that i seem to be unable to cope with, i mean, you are in such a slightly disassembled state, all the time excitedly, something is bothering you. what else is going on in your life? how does it reflect. this is your state of communication with your loved ones with yours, i don’t know your work almost a year ago, i was in brazil, uh, i have a brazilian ex-husband, a son and a translator from portuguese. yes, i'm a translator and uh, i went there to pick up my son and decided to stay longer to work. it just doesn’t work for me as your husband. yes, the former a child was born in this marriage

in moscow, and he was there and you took him away. he is not here. dad just took it. let's get acquainted with family for 3 months. two and a half months later, i went to pick him up and thought to work somehow. i have a block in portuguese, i think to shoot. well, in general , i had such emotions. uh, the expectations are very high, such brazil itself and and i didn’t succeed. but i didn’t have that i couldn’t find a job, and the brazilians have a different rhythm of life. they are like that. well, they are slow, they can negotiate 3 months. that is, i came from russia where everything is clear there. we're filming there in a week, maybe for call tomorrow, but you have arrived or in the sense of staying. yes? no, not to stay, but just wanted to do something, yes, and at that time in moscow you didn’t have any work. well, no. i just somehow planned all this in advance, that i usually work. well, yes, yes it is unstable. and yes, i didn’t succeed,

it wasn’t strong enough. here is such a lowering of the hands. and, that is, if you compare it with my state now, that is, i have lost, as if the connection with myself, saying that you just need to thank. what is around is here any diaries such where it is written. write down five pieces of gratitude, i can do it without any problems. and there i am grateful for my son , i am grateful for my family. and i am grateful there for the sun, well, that is, for what you had in gratitude. but the meaning is inside, i don’t know that they don’t understand, i don’t understand, i lost it inside now, how i don’t know how to wash, anal emotional. yes, i have, uh, a young man, but he is from europe and no matter how hard it is, it turns out the distance at a distance is difficult, it turns out to be understandable to maintain. that there you seem to be hung up to some extent. yes, between heaven and earth. i didn't even hang up. and i'm like, well, i'm in such a

simple state. all right, down below. look, michael, someone will listen. maybe now the strange story of our heroine. well, what are you more interesting to yourself than yes, what are you fantasizing about? well, you think it's hung somewhere there somewhere, right? well, aunt is good to eat, that there are relatives, there is a child. well , what are you doing here to tell us. this. i think it's very. may be, this is a very popular view. well, about this problem, what happens to our heroine, and our heroine has a crisis. it's just that chris understand the crisis is a crisis of self-determination, a crisis of some kind of personal inner. yes, you change and grow. become more mature there are some expectations that you had there a few years ago partially, maybe not

realized or completely yes, a crisis, but our heroine, for some reason, decided that in her life the only wonderful anastasia in the world would not have a crisis must. what if anastasia i decided that to get out of the crisis right away, so everything needs to come out at once. here she is 28 years old. this is probably the first crisis in your life, no. i had, uh, a crisis, uh, it started before pregnancy. i had a rather difficult relationship with my ex-husband, emotionally difficult, and then i had such a difficult, unhappy state of some kind, which, in principle, well, depression would now tell , and that’s it, then a child was born, and i’m happy, i never it was not that i blame my son, on the contrary. he somehow betrayed me, and the same was brazilian. yes, yes, this same brazilian, and

after the pandemic we broke up. i started going to a psychologist. i began to sort out my injuries. eh, and that is, i had some kind of crisis, but i kind of freed myself very quickly. after that, i was somehow insanely happy, somehow like this. here is the natural way. just came to the point that germinate or something happened to you with me. eh? my ex- husband broke up every six months. hmm such a temperament, yes, and what is it about you? well, they arranged for everyone some kind of household moments that this time it’s already impossible to put up with them, and i’m such a person who keeps everything in himself, and everything inside of me is seething, and i have a feeling that it’s not worth wasting time happening. well, what everyday moments, that he didn’t die with his brazilian socks, there or i’m going. you are ready not in this plan. here, oddly enough. we got along very well, i mean, we help. this was the reason for his impulses, these last ones, that he did not have enough space, we lived in

my one-room apartment, but he did not enough space to work. my son and i left in the morning and returned at night. that is, i walked with a stroller all this time, but he still had enough time to work, it was crowded, stuffy, and so on, and then after that he worked at home. yes, we worked with him. he mounted. hey, i filmed there. and you also earned. it turns out together. yes? that is, he did not have any separate income of his own, but was somehow discussed. uh, such an idea, for example, that he will go to work somewhere else, but will give, for example, now in a portuguese lesson, go badly a native speaker, and you will rent a bigger apartment. you will rent, for example, and there will be a lot of space for him or such a decision. yes, adult male. let me make some more money if i don't have enough space. well, in advance of the future, like, yes, and right now, a wife and uh, because i don't

have enough space. we just, uh, at some point i was already tired and i had more powers of understanding. it’s thanks to my son that i need to be happy, i didn’t have a goal to part with them, initially, of course i he was told in the teeth tried to save the family. yes, yes, i told him. look, we have two options. we either part with you, or let's go anyway. at least to the psychologist we will try to figure out what to do? he agreed to go to a psychologist. he said that's the problem. only i have problems with him. no. so we somehow calmly without a quarrel, then after a couple of weeks, we decided to leave , well, we are on normal terms, that is, as a friend, he and he is a great person in distant brazil, and he was still here for a year and a half he helped me. we have him or a dog. here is a child. he helped me with a dog, he lived with 5 minutes from uh, well, home is a good normal civilized divorce. but, apparently, you still did not get out of this divorce. and to put it mildly, happy, yes, that is, there are

some worked out things. it seems to me from the relationship itself. i left. normal, it looks like yes, it seems to me, yes, right now i have, if there are any injuries, then they are. hey, here are the triggers. yes, they say, they are connected with my childhood, because i had a rather difficult relationship with my stepfather and i traced many things, that is, what my stepfather did was done by my ex-husband, too, for example. dropped it many times. yes, it was in the look. and there is such a look, a little cold and mad. i remembered the look. e your stepfather. that is , it's just emptiness and not love, yes, yes, such emptiness, and you suddenly saw a reflection. here, from the abyss, the topic has breathed out, it's scary, but with children's herbs. yes, i just worked out

the moments with a psychologist. and like my dad too. dad, dear, tell us. dad died when i was 16, that was a long time ago. not me. now, you won't cry anything. can you cry? i just understand that this was the only person who understood me precisely nationally morally. he never put pressure on me. i'm the kind of person that you can't yell at me. he loved me very much. i don't know that he is my own father. oh yes, i think that he is very much i perceived him as just a man for some reason, who loves me very much. so you thought your stepfather was yours. no , he is very, i know that we are very simple. at my mother had one husband, then there was another husband. and i thought that this is another husband of this very little for me, he turned out to be my own dad, and i always have why did my mother in me

say that no one said this is your own? and how did you know that he was your real dad after he died, they told me that , well, he is your real dad. and i never understood, like, why he treats me like that? well, that is, i am a child, i did not understand that people understood that you felt with your whole body that he loves you. yes, they don't understand. it's my god, my god, that is it seems to me that now the most painful thing for you is that you can no longer say. look , i know you're my dad. yes, i can't. well tell me, please, tell daddy can't hear op. i miss you so much. i'm sorry i didn't know. i don't know if he will die either. well, for 16 years you don’t take it seriously. he asked me to come to his hospital. i thought we were now, but i have a lot to do here.

i have a group there. i bought myself a guitar. i came, of course, but i have a lot of guilt. and i understand that he is the only one who really understood me. i want to talk to him so much, i don't. well, nastya, well, you are mistaken. if he understood you, he would tell you that he is your dad. well, he understands, he spoke, dad, he spoke, he spoke, but we don’t have a broken one , she doesn’t know that dad is next to him and thinks it’s very, so this man didn’t understand you in the world in which you now think. what did he understand about you? well, i'm probably talking more about creative moments, because it was the only person. i have it supported in creativity. well , of course they are, but it seems to me that we have found a very important thread. yes, that e thread, which possibly holds our heroine. between heaven and

earth, or put the feeling that she is drowning, this is not a spoken, not lived relationship with dad and this discovery. yes, this mystery may be in this case of michael, there may already be a lot of digging here, it's not about opening the case in a sense of guilt, because you piled on the responsibility for this relationship. even though you were a child. he was your adult, dad, you know, well, he told me, dad, dad, like, he said, they didn’t hear him. yes, that's not how it's supposed to be said. he wanted to be my boyfriend a question to my mother, of course, my mother explained how. mom why didn't she know about it? well, somehow i don’t remember any specific explanation once again you were a child then, i understand this, no, you don’t understand. do you think that you then were an adult should not have been? yes, all this is to understand to bear, this one. no, once again you were

a child then. to be honest, i was a child. yes? i did not know much and could not know, tell me, i didn't know much. i couldn't know, i'm not to blame. it's my fault. dad, it's not my fault. so you still feel guilty. you see, in words, say it’s not your fault, but then you feel like adults. yes, as if you were supposed to do his job for dad. i'm not saying he's bad. i understand this with my head, she is not here, not here. this is where we begin to understand when we begin to pronounce words - this is a way to manage our emotions. here you come home, right in the bath. lock yourself away from the sob and right here a few times i didn’t know dad, it’s not my fault. maybe our heroine has some kind of michael, a barrier of such a quality that there are unworked ones. this

story of the relationship of love for dad and dad's love for her, maybe subconsciously goes, it seems that no one else will love her like that, really. nastya , no one will love you like that, as dad loves you. it's just not bad. they will simply love differently . why is this tragedy? this is not a tragedy. everything is clear. we are all in this situation us dads love you there, yes, then it means they leave our parents and no one loves us like that anymore. but it doesn't matter if your child loves you. he will love you differently, but he already loves you. yes? well, well, this is also a great love that men can bathe in. maybe not one else will also love you in their own way. but where is the trouble that no one will love you? as a dad, i have more trouble that i dishonestly understand myself. yes, but here, let's you and me now e, as if now, now, as if not. now i

as if i'm going straight down on, but it scares me too. i understand that i am a son, that is, yes, everything you want, but he will not be a mother. well, i love him madly too. why don’t you love yourself, as if i expect from myself, that is, dissatisfied, not good enough to get sick of everything with me, what scares me most now is that i can’t escape, as i said. from this state, that paralysis and seething is super, and these very panic attacks , which are probably all biologically like that. here. uh, the maximum expression of this emotional inner space. so, it means that you said such a phrase. i'm there son. all i want, don't give me, why? well, because it’s impossible to give everything, but in terms of love, i said that i have sincere ones. well, it's just not necessary. here you have these characteristics almost certainly

present in speech. everything is not there. this is our unconscious, our psyche hears us and when we send these messages there. yes, everything is always, it means that it completely unconsciously begins to rise in price for us. how so? everything is everything, i can’t mean, and i have to do something, i must definitely do something to change the transition. in the wording. you may do something, or you may not. and you can do it, but to some extent and you can do it, but not now, but later with my son, since you don’t. here, study, study, i speak directly to myself. i can later i can not do. i may be wrong. wait for nastya's first lesson in your school of self-love. she allows herself not to be perfect enough. and yes, and nastya considers ideal, uh,

then how she fantasized herself, but in fact perfect, as it turns out in fact , you know now, uh, what, for example, is in my head that it's been almost a year since i left for brazil i'm nothing, but i didn't choke on anything. this is nothing and everything. these are the words that go along. you see, when you want everything from yourself. it turns out that since you didn’t do everything, it means nothing, and you set some kind of kpi for yourself, you directly told yourself. these are the levels i owe for the year of brazil well , of course, but to achieve this and that, i painted, it is clear that i did not write, i should have a million dollars in my account there. well, let me, but i just don’t remember now, there were already some indicators. yes, half a million dollars is well paid in this regard. that is, you wrote your own performance indicators, no one came to you, not

some. there is an evil person so adequate nastya and you did not fulfill them. i'm just what i am. although, when i say that i don’t observe any relative at all, i now also understand that i’m wrong, because i have grown a lot in terms of experience persistence and that is this year, of ​​course i learned a lot from him it's nothing. no , i understand that this is a lot, and now it is important for you to get used to this thought. how do we get used to something? this, of course, would be the main thing to repeat the truth. day after day , anxiety, anxiety, and with them insomnia, habitual actions no longer help. afobazole helps to cope with anxiety and insomnia with afobaz 4 weeks for the most pronounced action

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together with a horse. what does this say? well, besides what she has achieved, at least this already yes? come on, let's go out now to the streets of moscow and ask, who knows at least one foreign one says that nastya learned four foreign languages ​​\u200b\u200bthat she knows how to achieve goals, that she is hardworking and hardworking. we know that languages ​​are taken, including, so to speak, by our muscles, that nastya knew how to achieve goals and that she was efficient, it seems, wait, but, in addition to skill, you need more resources , you know, and this is how to buy yourself a beautiful one there . uh, this car's gasoline. yes, and gasoline is a resource that the engine will require. yes that's why it's the lack of gasoline, continuing your metaphor gives this engine failure, hence the panic attacks.

actually. well, this is the crisis. a crisis - this is what it is always not what you wanted, yes, you didn’t get something, that’s what it doesn’t correspond to - this is the norm. and the assessment of what, uh, when it doesn't match? this badly creates a crisis. and this crisis, er, there, some long-term chronic experiences. here you are with him now. what is better in this situation? if nastya with someone or someone writes an action plan for her, if she changes the relationship by no means no plans of action. no, you don't need everything. what are we doing? i allow you to live for free at all, please , i live now now i live now just with my grandmother with my relatives yes, they are very loved by relatives, they are very much and accordingly, they live with them, it’s really cool. but this is a completely different work of the brain. we have completely different relationships. absolutely do not understand. well, the first thing my grandmother said to me when i arrived was, like, i thought you had changed, you haven't changed,

like, you're the same. like this, like this, that is there is some set of claims against you from the older generation to the older generation of you. ah, firstly, that i did not go to my diploma. by profession, yes, although, in principle, yes. although, in principle, my university is not only a diploma. it is also a social circle. it is also skills and languages. and i use all this that i received at the university, but i don’t work there, i didn’t marry a diplomat, and so on, and yes, here are some of them. that is, if i say that i feel bad for my grandparents or, in principle, the family, then they will most likely tell me, yes, that you are fine, right? how did i not reprimand natalia at the beginning, and you cited everything that was said there. yes, i'm always guilty in this place. uh. well, tell me, grandma, he said, you haven't changed at all. she was right. i have changed a lot, so i was hurt

to hear it. so, grandmother, let's go on the points, granny, i generally think that it is not necessary to deal with older people in this. listen , mr. psychologist said and decide who you are talking about, please say what bothers you, then you say no need to talk. well, let's go to grandma said something. well, god be with her, grandma. why am i offended, because my closest people should always understand me in everything and support me. and no, at least sometimes just say that they are proud of me. they've never heard of it. yes, not at all. they let you live. this is support. yes, and you say they don't support me at all. well, how can they? yes, that's what you are proud of. one very cool young woman can tell you and is very close to you. i would even say the closest of all. who do you know about yourself. i know what i want to say to mikhail that we shouldn't release either.

that's what they mean. the fact is that a whole generation , especially the post-war generation, due to the cultural context that was created, and that tradition, well, it was clear, yes, after the war, and so on was not accepted. they were not taught to praise their children. you see, the feelings of a book about raising children, but it didn’t exist, that is, they acquired feelings could be what fed. you work three jobs alone. yes, the best dress not worn was cut into a new year's costume. yes, this was i manifest. but it was the action of them manifesting their feelings, or was it what it is. what kind of snow? but this is also not enough not enough, but they were not taught. don't expect this from them. yes, here, maybe someday, when you are calmer, you will tell them, but again, in a position that you are bad, bad, that you don’t

tell me this. and i would really like it hear. and you can ask for a brag to say, granny, i got pancakes. how are you, huh? and then say, yes say, listen and she can tell you far from me and again. no, she will not offend, so no. that's all. that, which means, uh, and most importantly, that the grandmother, of course, now do not understand all the connections between your panic attacks. here is your physiological state, they are generally absent in their picture of the world, in principle, no, this is a son. i have. yes, i have an exemplary beautiful life. and that's what it is took it down on a pencil. yes, you just need to be grateful for what is around it is difficult. it's hard to learn this, people for years and decades to be grateful for what they have. well, let's take a closer look. what do you

have. well, just like, well, well, for example, i let you try on to thank. god bless him, as he gets, just don’t criticize yourself for not being able to thank you, as they wrote to you in a book. here's how it works. and if it doesn’t work at all, then it’s possible too. it's not a problem, it's me that, you're bad if you you don’t know how to be grateful, moreover, you just don’t know how to do it to the extent that someone there fantasizes, it’s just gratitude to me, as if it doesn’t help, they help me, but about the connection with themselves. and you don't know which one you understand. do you think that you are the same as you were before? no, let's have another one. and that's what it is tell us what it is oh so i'm very kind. i am sensitive to voice and intonation. that is, vulnerable, vulnerable, but at the same time, but very

easy-going. sometimes, maybe even too strong, in principle, i have the strength cope with. but yes, i'm frozen. so you say that you are drowning, but you see the shore, at least where you need to lead. no no. i see that there is light, and there the bottom is like getting closer closer to the bottom, what needs to be done by nastya so that she sees this shore of hers, because she really has everything and strength. she has. ah that same increasingly she forces there is no rights. it's the same before. well, first of all, in terms of characterization. yes, in one word, what they told us, they could still tell nastya different things in one word, just like we all in some good day very specific exactly evil to some extent susceptible to some extent strong to some extent vulnerable to some extent about 8 billion of the world's population fits something like this, of course, you understand. therefore, uh,

but it will help you to know yourself deeper. nast only your life. you will know all your life. you will change and know yourself again and try to know yourself. right now, right now, right to the end, completely and for life, this is an infantile attempt. no, here, but an adult attempt - this is a process. i will to know myself to the extent that i succeed, i will study myself and other people. here is your first problem in that you are trying to know exactly what you are and even think that you know what you are and any step away from this is yours. i have a story there, how they prepare, uh, special services. readers are tied hand and foot. and they throw the pools, they start behaving differently. here is someone twitching, twitching, trying.

to swim as hard as you can to breathe, that's what you're doing right now. and they have tasks, and they have tasks, yes, which means from one swim to the other end of the pool. you know who wins, who drowns, repels from one and emerges, then sinks again, then repels again and emerges and moves. so up and down, yes, and this man is the fastest. and what kind of person is a person who allows himself? well? and you - no, you must stay on the surface. it's just that you're scared not because you're drowning, but because you think it's a nightmare and shouldn't be. and drowning is okay. life is a wave. and when the wave went down the norm, just this is the crisis. yes, sometimes we get into a crisis. if we resolve the crisis for ourselves, we calmly sink, push off, go up a.

if we start to twitch, then we will choke on my water and lose consciousness and panic attacks. we will start. i understood everything. well , just in your mind, the bottom is a fiasco , a disaster. it's not like that, because such a bottom, when you are in the water, a support point from which you can push off, you understand to push off from the water, well, it's almost impossible, apparently, yours. this is a panic attack. physiological response. this is a manifestation of desperation. because you understand that you are stuck and not axes. and where the support you are afraid to go. true, no, i'm scared, but scared, but the body tells you, just wait. nastya wait there, it's clear that your head tells you, no, no, no, you'll be even worse there, it's the end, but it's not the end. it started there, nastya and your relationship with your dad

, they didn’t die with him, your relationship began there, because you know the answer to the question, who is your dad and he’s good, he’s cool represent many girls on earth. you know who your dad is and you realized that he was good and he loved you, you understand? you are just at this moment, of course , physical death, but we know that there is no death to you reveals the secret that dad exists, dad is alive, dad was just like that. how would you like to represent him and the person who loved you. of course, he loves the bottom - this is not the end. this is not death either. but this is the beginning of a new life , new stages, treat yourself as a project. you are a cool creative, of course, a creative project, you admire your development, and then maybe, maybe these panic attacks, when they all fail logically, but the situation is more complicated natalya because if we already have a year, yes,

periodically panic attacks, increasing here, then, firstly, of course. our phrase, which the editors subtracted from us. so i emphasized it to me , obviously sedatives will not work for this crown on my head again. i decided i'm the only person on earth who means everything needs to be solved without pills. well, as if i can, if you can do it. and if you can't ask for help, and with pills it's not cool, and going to the doctor is not cool. no, you just have to. well, grandfather is there. here he is sitting, grandfather. this is yes, this is the shkvoenny grandmother of teachers. this can be seen, in my opinion, it’s cool for a person to go to a doctor who will correctly assess your condition and cool. it will help you, to everything that we have told, it will help more, well, at the level of a phrase, you can ask for help, only a strong person can ask for

help himself. this is a sign that you have acknowledged your weakness. we acknowledge weakness. yes only having inner strength and as for the attacks themselves, in the treatment of panic attacks in the treatment of phobias there is also such a thing , fear fear, this is when a person who has already experienced this has gone through yes, he is afraid that this outbreak will happen again and this fear is this outbreak it is so, yes, so we are working on accepting the fact that you have this , maybe, but what is the most terrible phrase you have here, that i’m lying and i can’t get it up explain why this is the most terrible and terrible, because we need actions no children. no. no, it's not the worst terrible thing. it offhand something even more terrible is already terrible. no, well, it’s clear that you can then you don’t have to lie to yourself, as if you were just stupid. you can be. you are just

different again. yes, i wrote it down. yes, i , to some extent, like mikhail anatolyevich khvost, like natalya, we are all to some extent stupid, you know, and to some extent sensible. well, friends, see how we end our conversation with such a wonderful heroine who came to us with a problem of panic attacks, but in fact we revealed such interesting depths of her life in the best sense, and it seems to me that he nastya had an idea how to rake? is it true? do not heat up anything. lie down rest it was a podcast of the psyche, where i am a journalist natalya loseva, a clinical psychologist , a candidate of psychological sciences, mikhail khors , helped our heroine anastasia deal with those stressful conditions that are called panic attacks. i hope that we, but a little bit coped with this situation, at least a gleam in