if you get tired, you won’t get tired, we go out to our hands and leave in circles. hello this is a podcast triggers and with you i am sergey on myself he is a psychologist and tatyana krasnovskaya, a psychologist and psychotherapist, and we are talking with our guests olga olga tell us how you came to us today, and i came after a relationship with a psychopath abuser, probably, but having lived with for some period of time, i now understand that in my life there are some consequences of these relationships, and i catch myself that i can’t cope on my own and i have some kind of reaction of the body. yes, for some situations.

inadequate. it seems to me that i perceive the situation incorrectly and i have no right. there to be offended to be annoyed. that is, it seems to me that i invent everything for myself and get it for myself, suppressing these emotions for myself. and she herself suffers from this and it seems to me that people, when they talk to me, i understand everything wrong, that is, some kind of everything, perverted, as if i have some kind of distortion and in general , somewhere the norm. you are 35 years old. how many years have you been in that relationship for three years, and how long have you been in them for two or three years? how do you talk to a psychopath and the offended? yes? tell us how it was in general, that it was met in moscow. he turned out to be an arab because of egypt, in the sense you did not know. yes , he told me that he is half-arab , half-american. this was probably my first mistake. and because i

turned a blind eye to it. so when you can start dating, i started asking him. i say, after all, where is your mother, where is your father? what are their names, and he says, well, that is, well, we will get to know each other. i say ok here. well it turned out, ended up there after a while relations. i realized that he was a pure slave and not just some kind of elite blood. how did he oppose himself? and what is he like, what, there are some american universities, he is just from egypt and a rather poor family, but he really wanted to seem like such a status person. it can be understood. and if it were 100%, you would not immediately begin to build relationships. i still, probably, have some stereotypes. what does it seem to me? but you also need to understand what kind of person. well, that is acquaintance. oh well, here with egypt i have guys anyway. it seemed to me that nothing

serious could happen to him. well, you haven't managed to build that border yet. that they have respect for him, therefore, about. well, tell us how your relationship was built. it so happened that i lost my job in moscow, and he lives in dubai uh-huh and says, come on, come to me. in general, we will build relationships. i dropped everything. well, no work. and how long did you date while you were in moscow, uh, about months. three uh-huh three months and then i went to dubai, that is first i went with him to visit him for his birthday for 2 weeks. then she returned to moscow and then left completely. well, somewhere completely, as if she had completely left, but just when i return, i don’t return, it was so open, and we started a relationship, everything was beautiful, that is, well, he looked after him very beautifully, well, how beautiful, but he’s allowed and if we went to

a restaurant, if it was in moscow when then i always called the car, that is, there are always restaurants there every time flowers then, of course, we had relatives. or relationship and when i went there he lived in a hotel, since he was here on a business trip, he lived in a hotel with a film crew, and did not shoot a tv show for a football match. that is, they lived in a hotel. when i always came, it's always roses on the bed - it's always a bunch of flowers. a bunch of treats, there are a lot of romantic decorations. i mean, this is just too much. and that is, here i plunged into some kind of fairy tale. yes, that is, as if that's how i got swirled. that's how cinderella and i liked it there. uh-huh, i just wanted to keep it yes. and probably later when already started some. i have very pleasant events in our relationship to occur. i knew how it was, they began to happen when you left there, when he proposed, did he

propose or not in moscow in dubai, i flew to dubai, we began to live everything was beautiful, and then ah. i caught him at first glance, i accidentally saw a photo there with a girl kissing, where he takes a selfie against the background of our roughly speaking bed. when i asked him what, well, what is it? he said i got it all wrong and it's just a masseuse came. i play you kissing everyone like that. he says it's just you brought me i think, maybe it's true, i did something wrong, maybe. he should not be so offended by him somehow. maybe something to get up better to become more good more beautiful, well , so that he does not cheat on me. and i flew to moscow then to think. i thought about returning or not. well, apparently, this longing, which he

gave me at the beginning. i wanted to go there. we thought back, i guess i thought she 'd be funny, something was a little better with me if i strain, as if through myself for the sake of him, then he will go forward and do the same for me. and i returned, and he was afraid, apparently, to lose me, because he immediately proposed to me uh-huh and after that he said that i was his property and in arab countries, so after you accepted the offer, you got married no, but you just accepted the offer and became his property. that is, he said the ring on his finger is evidence that i am his, i am his property, and he can do everything that wants. so i say, well, how is it that i say, this is how i say, i'm a man. i'm a person. how can you do whatever you want with me? no, that's not possible. he says, and so i say, well, i'm with a different mentality. you must understand too. he says you have accepted that i am glad, so you must accept islam. there are parents in the harem, ten

of these children or there, how many of them they have at least three. standard and i went something like that. well, that is, we had such a conflict with contra, yes, and you had some time before weddings, correctly, i understand immediately, as soon as you accept the ring, you immediately have to have nikah. this is islam. there is such as in front of allah yes and from now on, in principle, muslims believe that you are his wife right in the mosque no, where is this happening in egypt on the road? they just signed the documents and the documents were there. they misspelled my name and were there at all. well, yes, my data, well, wrong. yeah, when did you agree to this e, ritual, traditional for islam and read something about it , did you know anything about it. i read a little. but what is said in the koran and

what he did. he is completely two different things, then you understood that you were aware of what you were doing, but you had not yet converted to islam at that time, no. so good, so you've had such a traditional muslim wedding. let's say. well, yes, it was very. it seems low and ugly to me. why is low ugly? yes? because after all, when you don’t tyah, this is also a rite, this is a tradition. these are some outfits, some treats, i guess, and here it's just on the road quickly, well documents were needed for the sake of registering the main marriage. yes, you must first do none and get residency there. i mean, it was, well, it was so purely formal. but they still have me, his wife , and well, and there, as he said three times, no, that’s it, you are already divorced or you haven’t lived there for 30 days under

the same roof. that is, you, too, already, well, not a husband. and a wife, that is. well, convention, or something, and before this ritual you spoke with him, and your joint future, how will it look like? what does he expect from you? what are you on ready? on what is not, right so as to sit down in an adult way to talk. no, it wasn't, that is, i thought it would be. this is a fairy tale. that is, i probably had such glasses arabian night, yes, and everything turned out such a sitting at home not letting out of the apartment, even to the store. i needed to come up with a good reason. why should i leave the apartment, that is, just go for a walk. no, this is normal, women in muslim countries do not do this. here. i thought that after all i was russian and some kind of indulgence should be towards me, and how further events developed further, of ​​course, we went to his parents in egypt

and there it became more very aggressive, that is, for example , if she worked somewhere, then i did not have a bank card, for example, and the whole salary is there that is in dubai that these are all checks, that is, i needed to get money somehow, and he says, let's throw money on my card. and you can pay yourself to her at any time, but as you showed in marriage, when he wanted to pick up the card, he took it, that is, i was left without money, that is, all the money were listed to him. then i began to save a little, what kind of cash , so that at least i had something to have some kind of safety cushion, purely for myself , with what to buy, what to buy a ticket? well, that is, you began to postpone relatively speaking, for a ticket back, or at least if i leave it, to live at least for some period of time, so that i have something to eat, but the thought that such an option is generally possible, that

you leave him. as i understand it, yes, i was scared, for some reason, to leave him. to me i wanted to live there, and now, of course, everything is good in the country, but i was afraid. uh, hmm i'll be back in moscow yes. i told everyone that i had already left. and everything is fine with me and that they won’t accept me, is it obvious that you didn’t want to return back? uh-huh i didn't want to admit it to myself well, but you are an adult, you could, relatively speaking, not return, but move from there to mexico why did you, in principle, have an idea in your head? only either you stay, and in dubai yes, i don’t know, somewhere in egypt either come back love is a grown man, able to drive on. well, obviously it was somehow slowed down for you and your brain and mind did not develop in that direction. what can you, well , you didn't like it, but got divorced married a mexican didn't like the mexicans got married to runes.

now there are no such thoughts yet, i see, that’s why i seem to be interested in this, because you came up with a fairy tale for yourself, obviously you plunged into this fairy tale and realized that this fairy tale does not suit you, but you stayed there long enough to live there this. horror or return and there and there did not like. psychologist sergei on himself and psychologist psychotherapist krasnovskaya, today we have guests olga and we are listening to her story. from what they fled from moscow, probably some dullness of days for me, that is, for me, when he appeared, i became. a busy life, of course, but still, let's see, before it appeared, what happened in your life, what did you want to escape? some kind of loneliness,

i guess. as a result of which this loneliness was working, work-home, friends, relatives, i went there to study, but for some period of time you already know everything , i got tired of talking about what happened before this meeting in moscow, your mood dropped, your energy of speech changed, what is happening? let's look there, because i understand that you want us to help you find the reasons for this abuse. i don't know the reason for it. yes, in this person calling him a psychopath or an abuser. now it's very fashionable and how could we, of course, we can do it, but if you want to learn how to build relationships, then you have to rewind back to the moment where you made the decision to go into a relationship with the person. what did you come up with at

that moment? what if you feel like these three years have affected you? well, they probably influenced, but still, it would be more important for me now to see what could make you go into it, what made you stay there for a long time, why did i ask you, what prevented you from leaving for another country, any other country. well, just go nowhere. i don't think there is any support. there , no one expects precisely this fear in their victims, let's call it that. because she has nowhere to go, not because what they had before she either devalues ​​or does not consider it worthy. and why do you need this support before meeting with him? at least someone has support.

support who supported you before his sister? mostly native, yes, the older one is better than the older one. she is 16 years older. you consulted with her when you made the decision to squeeze. no, i didn't consult anyone. well, why is english still a person to you? why didn't they consult didn't discuss it? interesting, decided that i myself can make the decision of my life, really you can. i didn't even ask my mom. that your relationship with your older sister was also objective? this is

just my fantasy, but i want to ask you to think about it, having. maybe some other form? the older sisters felt close to him and the way they felt next to their sister has something in common. i have a feeling that i owe something here and there. and what were you supposed to be a sister? i must not grieve i must do something permanent, to make her feel good, to yes , even just doing housework. that is, i can’t just be, i have to do something all the time. i can't just be a younger sister, they said very important things. i would like to stop there. i can't just be. what do you

feel when you say it? you feel, you feel, because this pain just returns you to that state of yours. where did you run from? and if you run away from it, then regardless of the mexican armenian, who was not, he will use exactly your desire to avoid this pain. and, of course, roses on the date bed, under the moonlight, there do not know the romantic meeting in the hotel. all this is just no analgesic that was experienced. well, yes, the most important thing today is to see it and stop. i can't just be. remember, here is a child who lives in these conditions. when did you get this

feeling? as a child, tell a story. i just remember such events in the kindergarten , i also remember when i found out that my mother was paying something for me in the kindergarten there, yes. there but there is monthly. this is the fee when the child goes to kindergarten, and i had such a feeling of guilt for it, as if. why are you even interested in this, i remember how i found out. i heard that my mother was from someone. i thought i was just going there to eat. thanks to play, it turns out. mom works those jobs to pay me to go there, i felt so sorry, mom. these are sisters. nestora no longer lived with us, you heard it from your mother or from someone, but i was at home, i remember.

and well, one of the relatives? yes someone said it to you. maybe someone just said, that is, i found out, it was by accident , or maybe, my mother and her friends said that she was lying, that she needed to pay for the garden for the next month for the child. or maybe there was nothing or something else. mom always worked. there, she worked at two schools , hosted tutoring and mopped floors. that is today. i think the lord is working so hard that i would go to the kindergarten later, i can not go. just got some more rest, baby. such a thought such an idea usually forms in the child’s attitude, with which he then goes through life for a long, long time, and this idea

that i can’t just be, i have to somehow justify my existence. it’s as if i’m taking a slightly out of place here, if i occupy it, then it seems to create some kind of awkwardness for other people, and then we begin to create some kind of additional value, and we try to adapt to other people. it looks like this is what you did. also, your exit, well, let's call it marriage is very similar to an attempt to relieve the burden on these people. well, now i got married and you don’t have to worry about me anymore, you didn’t have to worry anymore. and of course, then it is very scary for them to admit that your choice was wrong. what are you thinking right now or what? do you feel now? as they say unpleasant,

right? it's all my own fault, i didn't say that. i seem to be watching so you don't hear. you perceive all this through a prism. again, i'm to blame. there is no guilt here, there are no guilty ones. face it is get a chance to take over responsibility the only thing, but a form of life in which not a psychopath, not an abuser, not a tyrant , is not capable of, uh, using your methods with you. this form of life is called responsibility. you see, after all, the victim, the tyrant or the abuser, always has hope for a fairy tale, the hope that he will change, and everything will be fine, the hope that now i will change a little, and he will definitely become better. he will love me there more, better

love differently, but this hope takes away your strength. strength is always hopelessness strength is always in your decision that no matter what, where you are, you are able to change your life. and most importantly, you are old enough to not live up to your mom's or your sister's investment. now you can definitely just be. and it's not sentimental. guilt is what got you there. further, if you continue to look like this. but now you have this very life of yours, with which you are free to do, taking responsibility for it. they share with someone the freedom to do whatever they want with her. mexico

it happens. this podcast triggers with you we are psychologist sergey on ourselves and psychologist psychotherapist tatyana krasnovskaya. today we have guests olga and we are listening to her story so that you can now say a little more clearly. tell me the same story, but as if you were telling. here is the story of olga, who, accordingly, met the arab prince, went and looked. she did not like it, she returned. otherwise, you can change it right now. when , for example, i met, i moved there and at the first meeting there were situations when i something did not like, when i was hurt unpleasantly. then at that moment i had

friends, yes, and i would have gone to the girls. and let's say i would have found a job, i would have started working somewhere to earn money myself. would become, independently met someone else. maybe some possibilities. yes, that's what to say to go somewhere to fly somewhere. i suggest that you rethink this story not in the subjunctive mood, as it would be. i suggest you look at it. and what it was, but a little bit from a different angle. i was 30 small i decided to check the taste. what is for real? oriental tale, i found myself an arab prince. i went and uh, passion married him in the desert on the road, and then we began to live there, do not know in dubai as a result. i realized that this is not mine. i turned around and left. and this story is completely

different. and then this story is integrated into your consciousness. as your experience, there is no person who is to blame for everything and there is no you who are with me. because an attempt to shift this responsibility onto him. it says that you are unable to bear own responsibility. i know a dramatic story is much more interesting for girlfriends and for most psychologists. it's going to be much more interesting, but these are the 2 3 elements that we've noticed now changing you, when i asked you to talk about history, to when i asked you to feel what's happening to you at this moment. and when you said that you face the truth. that's the elements of growing up. any other form of arabic script will only exacerbate the patterns of your history.

your childish attitude. and make you. well , as if they are not capable of relationships. but in front of me sits an adult beautiful woman, and who, in general, has her whole life ahead of her. all that matters is just unwind and see. it's different. it can be assumed that this position is where you are not a victim, he is not an abuser. and in general, the circumstances have developed. otherwise, as you wish. she seems to make this position make you more confident and stronger, and makes you a directly strong woman. what about your relationship now? not with him in general with other men not yet. don't lay 'em no 'cause you don't build 'em, man. do you want to eat around you? there were attempts. yes, but when it's all for some reason, even

the slightest questions hello where are you perceived by me like that, that is, everything seemed to me, everything, he starts to control me, like control, of course. it seems to me that it all starts right away, i immediately cut it off. that is , either you know, or everything, or you know nothing, i 'll tell you, i will reveal such a secret, when many years ago sms messages were paid. well, they are paid now, but then there were no alternative forms. ah, cellular companies made most of their money on text messages. hi where are you? all people control each other. the question is not who controls you, the question is, but lie down. are you called under this control or not? you can quite calmly give this control, you can take this control back and you

need to . you just yes, it is important for you to distance yourself, it is important for you to take it now take responsibility for what you can take. well, for example, there work your activity your creativity your health if you want to do business conditionally. yes, but you understand, that's my responsibility for her. i will never give it to anyone , then it will become a support for you. in any relationship when you build a bridge based on another person, you are doomed to failure, because no one on the other side is going to hold anything. and so the bridge is always from oneself to oneself, just from oneself today to oneself in a year, let's say. for me, this is a story maybe a little bit about letting go, maybe being first, maybe

letting yourself take your place. allow myself to be later, if i work, really. the solution is such a desire to build relationships, then those there are precisely in this authorship. i just eat it is very important. thank you very much than you go. how do you feel about these few minutes of our conversation. well, thank you for dedicating this area, which i did not think at all. i thought the reason is in another or in me that i am not either in him, but it turns out that i was running something from myself. may i ask you at the end? oh, and what kind of relationship would you like later, when

you already want a relationship, what kind of relationship do you want us to understand and here hmm support each other communication complement each other in some way. there are excellent. i'll be happy to train to be, and then i'll train to want. it's right. what does the ideal man look like, in your opinion, here is your man who will be ideal for you. for women, the ideal man doesn't drink. does not smoke and does not exist. uh, loving faithful in

fairy tales yes, the author is always caring , purposeful, so that he has self-realization, his favorite thing, so that yes , self-fulfilled, so that he is interesting. educated, what will you give this man? love beauty care will you be interesting? what will you do to be interesting to such a man? with him , to learn the world separately , to discover some new cultures, to find out what he is interested in, how the world lives, so many different cultures

of art. expands the worldview i wanted to ask you, by the way, in what language did you communicate with that young man. you know english and a little arabic, i know english arabic english, yes, i learned arabic, i can understand something they say, well , it's time to say words, but still it's quite difficult, yes, and the language barrier is complicated to clarify the relationship difficult for the manifestation of feelings of emotion. yes, that is something to prove some point of view emotionally. you understand that you were hitting some kind of wall, that is, it turns out. here is this wall and emotions goes back. here, as it were, like this.

and what did you do then okay, everything, it was very difficult to reach out and say in russian sometimes yes it is difficult to explain to a person so that he understands that you feel something, and when in english or there is english arabic, then this is a billionaire times harder, of course , this is just, as it were, you also know, such a basic problem of almost all families of different families. on the one hand, this makes the family easier, because people think, well, it’s better to remain silent than to make a fuss. yes, because otherwise it will cause. yes, but at the same time. this is often just leads to the fact that we suppress our own emotions, which well, they actually go inward, but become aggressive and destroy us and this is just how important if you build relationships in the future with a mexican who will speak, respectively, in spanish, then i don’t know how to learn spanish well at first , but at the same time, you know everything, huh?

now you are talking, and i just have such a kind of recommendation for you, in fact , you can continue studying arabic and arab culture in order to understand all the beauty and historicity and fundamental nature of these laws, and do not evaluate them following the example of that fool who a misunderstood them and will give them completely wrong for you. but it will definitely make you very interesting. super thank you thank you. and can i ask the last question, and so i really count on an honest answer. how are you? you think, you feel, and you are the way you are, ah, it is possible to love. i think i'm so nasty, i don't have a simple character. and what are you, but it seems to me that there is still such

a person who yes can. what are you leaving with? what are you going to do? do you have any plan, how will you? to deal with this, something has become clearer, probably, you should love yourself for who you are. first of all interesting to another person, thanks. thank you for such an honest conversation. it was a podcast triggers. we were with you sergey on ourselves at tatyana krasnovskaya psychology and today we analyzed the story of olga and her problems.