hugs in our difficult time , hello this is a podcast of the psyche and we continue to disassemble human destinies bit by bit, molecules by atoms , looking for the right development strategy. well, or just trying to figure out how to live, happily my co-host clinical psychologist mikhail horst, candidate of psychological sciences, is a real master of this art, but our today's heroine came to us with a problem that is like. it seems to me that it will resonate in the hearts of many girls and men too. alena does not know how to part with her beloved alena does not know how

to throw out from her heart a traumatic painful attitude with this she came to us. hello alyona, hello, well , tell your story. you don’t know how to part with any lovers at all, or some one of you is so hurt that you can’t pull out this two or two at once. the first was my husband, with whom we broke up 7 years ago. i had very difficult breakups, and i could not forget him for three years. hmm, i still have three children from him. hmm, and literally a little over seven months ago. we also parted as a young man, and having met for more than a year. until now i can not forget, although they say time heals in general, to be honest, i can hardly imagine how you can forget, but the person from whom you have three children. well, it's simple, well , impossible. if you're raising these three children, you're raising these boys. e girls you have boys boys, and three boys you surely see in their views

the movement of plasticity, facial expressions. you see the father. yes, well, usually they mean by the word forget do not suffer do not think constantly. that's what you have pay attention to what you want to forget and just now cross out this part of our life appears. i'm starting to think about this man. what do you start to think about this person? i just want before michael about you, so to speak, to heal or show the strategy of your way out of the situation. i just want to understand at this worldly level what is happening to you. well, that is , you cry crying. i think what's wrong with me is starting to dig into the family. yep now. a why is something wrong with you? i don't know , it was always good for everyone. hmm. i tried to be good for them, but i made many concessions. and you can give an example, what does it mean that i tried to be good, made concessions, the most typical thing when i lived as a spouse. i know that he comes late at night. uh, all household chores. i took over. well, you, respectively, i was then on

maternity leave, no matter how tired i was with three children. i cooked him a hot dinner. he ate and went to bed. thank you and tell him i wanted to say sometimes, sometimes not. there , too, he sometimes didn’t even eat his own, because he says, i don’t want to, i think, well, here, i stood at the stove for half an evening, i wanted to please you. and then, when nu went to bed, he didn’t ask how it all happened, how i bathed the children, put them to bed and then cleaned the dishes at the table, collected toys, everything came home to spend the night cleanly spent the night. yes, he left you, right? why did he leave you? how? well, he had some version, but he met a smart young handsome that's all, and he was another woman. and how he told you about it, not how he didn't tell you. i just saw the correspondence and when already so, well, the video of his correspondence. i showed you what he says, well, yes, there is what i say, like something we have a family, we have children together, he says, well, it's okay and let's say, we'll probably part with you and that's it. so everything happened in general, that is, everything suits, until i

found out, it packed my things and left. no, he didn't pack. he asked me to leave him with the children, because we lived in his apartment so here, and he said. well, at that moment. i was also pregnant with my third child at the seventh month. he says, come on with your container from my hut with your container. yes, yes your common children of their children. yes , then we discussed it for a very long time, because the girl with whom she began to live. she couldn't have children and she proposed to him. let them take the class with you. that's because a little a little less. i don't have three weather. uh-huh, okay and that's all and that's over. for five years we sued there, well, that's it, it's difficult too was. well, uh, since i already went to work. everything is fine. i didn't have a miracle. he didn't repent, didn't apologize didn't say he was wrong. here you are now, when you began to talk about your father's first husband to go, you cried bitterly to you. i see that it hurts you. it hurts what exactly? what hurts where? it hurts that i could not save my family. it turns out that i have children without

a father, i agree. it hurts. it hurts. now after time. they tell me, mom, we don't want to see dad. i also say, let's go to dad's for the weekend. he invites you. no, us he says we don’t want to, and it turns out i also have a counterweight. he says that i'm setting them against it. i say, well, you can talk to him on the phone yourself. he says, no, it's all your diction. i say, i do not mind, on the contrary, that children boys communicate with dad. they don't want to see it all. it was all with them, despite the fact that they were small, and that is, you mourn your unfulfilled female dreams, and you bring up a strong family in which there is a father and mother of three children. how many years passed since you broke up at 7 years? and now, in the second story, there was a little hmm different, well, something even similar, i met with a young man. and i thought everything was great. i'm probably just used to being the man of my life. i turn them, probably, into children, i begin

to patronize, take care of, apply some kind of entertainment options. and here there was a similar situation. the rest was at my expense. uh, i also bought groceries in the store. well, it immediately became so that you became such a mother, moreover, as a sponsor mommy, or, after all , right away, and then it’s the other way around, no, i tell him. listen, why do i always pay for groceries at the checkout. he is such a. well, it's your own fault. you quickly take out the card. class here. how do you choose them? tell me what are the criteria? well, that is, what you liked about them both, that you decided to enter into a relationship with them. i like, probably, external data. i love tall big men, how did that relationship end. he was very jealous and even woke up at night. he is everything while looking at my phone. i look so man and no. where did he go? i go out into the kitchen, and i have a phone charger, and he is trying to find something there. i say that enough of his initiative on his initiative , yes, as it was, there was also a terrible

jealousy of our common friend with our company, when we already began, well, he was jealous of him to communicate. although that friend was dating my girlfriend. how did he tell you that you were breaking up? he said so, he says, i'm all, i can't stand you anymore. i'm already tired of everything. well were some such. well, they'll say you can't stand it. he is morally, yes, and you say, then they tried to turn off. i tried to get back in touch. with psychologists. she tried something for sex. here i had two psychologists. yeah , and it was very amazing when one girl told me, she says, you need to try to save the family, do it in every possible way so we will stop. yes, if a psychologist orders his glue on clients to patients, this is a taxic psychologist from such a psychologist, dear viewers, you need to run. well the only thing by the way, the psychologist is not about what to do, right? and about what can be done and then there are several options, because often the client doesn’t see any options , they can offer him to see from the outside, or

about what to understand, and what prevents a person from doing something? yes, even if he sees some options, he may have some internal barriers, there may be fears, there are rational beliefs, and so on and so forth is good, but what about the second one? and the second one told me, on the contrary, leave your spouse to gnaw the earth and try not to get along with him, so as not to was. well, then i stayed as self-defense pulled myself in by the hair. and he that, but i attempted to return. we tried twice when he broke up with his previous girlfriend. well, they got it every time. uh, my children and i went to him. uh, we literally had enough for a week continued. again, some of his correspondence , messages, calls me spending the night at home, then you can understand, since they were thrown like that, back and forth. yes, well, well, we already understood that the question here is not to forget and not to throw it out of of your heart, yes, but in order to stop experiencing it, the second thing we have already understood.

it is that the experience here is not for men. and you yourself, that is, this is a manifestation of such selfishness, but in fact, in no case should you be ashamed of this. i immersed myself in my hobby, painting and making jewelry, of course i know that you have made great strides. yes i have after you have prestigious awards of this. here 's what it gives you. yes, but here it is important to consider yourself as a metaphor, or what? yes , as a kind of vessel with energy with a resource and in this vessel can be filled with a resource, this is what you do, creativity, some achievements there, yes, such behavioral changes. and you can close the holes in the day in this vessel, that is, stop losing your personality resource. yes, but these holes are our negative emotions. and uh, most people don't know there are reasons for their negative emotions because you ask

the person. why are you worried? and the person will answer. i worry. i mourn because i couldn't save my family, right? yes, that is , here, here, what answer we hear is the reason my experiences in those circumstances that i can no longer change. here they already are external circumstances. actually. this is not the reason for experiencing negative ones. well, in 95% of cases, if we choose 5% biochemistry, this is an assessment of the circumstances that we find or were once and, accordingly, our work with you is to see what kind of assessments you painful to wear. you see, estimates change. this is a podcast of the psyche, and today we are discussing the story of alena, who does not know how to part with her beloved mikhail khorsa is a clinical psychologist. me da psychological science is looking for the right way out. please tell me the name of the person. which, well, will use. a glass to him

becomes good calmly. and when he has nothing to use, he starts thinking about it all the time somehow. yes, if he is busy with something, he seems to let him go, but suddenly he has a free minute, and he somehow begins to suffer without such a thing, as a person is called alcohol addiction, he has alcohol addiction. so, if a person is dependent on something or someone, he experiences suffering without this object, that is, the pleasure of interacting with a person. this is not a sign of dependency. but suffering without any object. this is just a sign of dependence, it happens not only from chemicals, but also from other people, too, so here is your suffering from a classic case, the so-called emotional dependence on other people. because of what we experience suffering here, and because we attach to any

object, some kind of superfluous air status lock, i set myself up. yes and so, the more we have this idealistic status. the more we believe in it, as in what it really is. the more painful we are without this object, but we feel ourselves, well, for example, imagine that a person has a handkerchief. he must have once put it past his pocket and lost his handkerchief. in what case will he suffer without this handkerchief? no, he will replace it with a paper napkin or something else. that's it. oh, i lost, there is always no paper in my pocket. if this scarf, well, for example, was given to him in childhood, he turned out to be a grandmother, and grandmother gave a scarf to grandfather, and grandfather, when, like on the battlefield, there is children's blood. look, if this is on

the rink itself, a certain status is given, then we suffer without this rag. so sometimes this status really corresponds to reality. but imagine really lost such a handkerchief. well, what kind of person comes to his mother and says, mother, i have lost this scarf, can you imagine what a bastard i have not preserved the family religion. and they say to him, well, you don’t think that we give it to you let me wipe my nose. here she is, under glass in a safe. and we gave you a fake fake handkerchief, it seems, but he will not suffer like that. no, of course, no, now a metaphor of mikhail khors. now it's important for you to understand what your uh beliefs are associated with these people. this is actually a fake, that is, a mistake. lie. you have deceived yourself. usually people who agree to relationships only with ideal people, how do they treat themselves too, how

do you understand the ideal person? i'm so perfect and next to me. it just can't be he they walk by us what is it? i need the perfect one to be around, yes, that is, it is actually overpriced, and your attitude towards yourself. yes , i always raise the bar for myself , i reach it, then even higher still. yes, wait, i want, wait, but i didn’t hear anything at all, that she was looking for some kind of ideal. here is besides the external data. i didn’t hear anything else, no, but you have some kind of ideal in your head. here is your ideal man. here, somehow, everyone imagines it is there. tell us, please, i, as a person, come to moscow and which is everything at the moment. i want if the person is also a visitor. i was on the same financial level with him. you came, he must come to moscow. well, either so that he achieves something from the owner himself in life. yes, he did not receive real estate. well, he has achieved it,

he changes his education and has some kind of job. yes, why? i believe that a person should break through himself? why himself? prove it to him, it must be so. why can't it be otherwise? why can't you just be a good guy who got grandmother's apartment. no, simply because for alena, it seems to me that if he achieved everything himself, this is confirmation that a may not have to pay for the product next time. no, well, wait, you're your own person. no. ok then. why can't it be done in a different way, simply because you don't want it so much that someone once drove it into your head or you yourself? why not otherwise? why is it impossible to win this money in the lottery the second time men won the lottery? yes, he got everything from his mother, grandparents, but he is lazy no, just wait, you mean some image to the head, but choose some others and at the same time suffers from it why because you think that it ’s impossible, it’s also possible and in fact what

you told us about the fact that he is lazy there and there, i don’t know what he is, but he can be. how do you describe it? no, he is already normal and scary people can also enter into a relationship. the main thing is to enter into a relationship with them, and not with your fantasies. let's talk. this is about you and about your life. what is your life now? apart from raising three boys. you have there i don’t know what is your favorite time of the day to watch or watch. well, that's okay too. yes, now i’m traveling with the kids, and , frankly, i don’t see here any kind of dislike of myself here. you are quite, it seems to me here. there is a reassessment of myself, probably, it all happened recently, because when we started dating the second young man, we met him on one project, where you submit some projects of your own. hmm, but useful for the city, and i was impromptu. uh no when we met with him he says who

needs your beads and somehow all the time it's like this for me and when i won, he says, i would not even think that someone is more interesting. i say, well, you see, and after it , i probably had a rethinking. yes, you have been without a husband for seven years, and with that, only 7 months, which was in the middle, there were no men at all. i forget them all, somehow no one hooked me, but no one, uh , hurt you painfully, yes, we are still friends to help many, yes, come bring help to lead away. yes, but you are so uninteresting you need to hurt you , yes, then you will feel it. oh what a good person hurt. yes, it needs to be no. here, look again. yes, we fought a little, we are aside, but let's get back. yes, remember to addiction it is very important to understand that if you suffer without these people. that is not, a sign of love for them. on the contrary, that i love

a person, so this is a big mistake. you romanticize your suffering. and uh, that's why it's harder for you to deal with. here is the pain just. well, you know the sign of addiction is a symptom important. it is such an assessment in myself that i am healthy, and there is here is my pain. why? well, because that's how i ended up. i became addicted to these people. yes, they are, as it were, here is a certain psychotype. these people. yes, you chose them precisely here on emotionality. looks like everyone told me. well, yes, why not. by the way, dad, how are you? tell me a good wonderful no, a little taller than me absolutely the type is not like any of my dad. and like dad, he is so kind and calm, helping hmm quietly helping. he is a very smart engineer, so somehow something completely different came from the opposite. but who

knows you like that, but what did you sling life on? what, but you need to be dissatisfied with what you have all the time, that everyone needs something to strive for the ideal, who is this? mom, grandfather, no grandmother, a teacher is also not necessarily normal, of course, this figure is some kind of parents, but most often it happens, which once in childhood was not allowed. uh, how contented grandma would say alena you're a girl, you can't do this. there's something else possible, well, you can't be content with achieving good studies. this is where we found this parent figure. yes , it means it is important to say in my head, i can. to be satisfied with what is in general you know the word happiness very consonant with the words now are. that happiness, in fact, is

satisfaction with what we have now , sit down, write it down, because when we use fine motor skills, this works very well to change our attitudes. yes, directly, write down, i can not strive, then i can strive, but i can once stand up to live. just high quality and calm with what i have, i don’t have to achieve something all the time, on the contrary, i took this type to show other women in mind, here is the block that you can achieve something, despite the fact that you are alone stayed there with the kids. boast about this extreme. you see, the second extreme. i'm not getting anything. i'm just trying. i reach. yes, healthy mental health is in the middle. and here's another very important thing. yes, and your the chosen one doesn't have to be perfect. well, it's not perfect for everyone for me. only it does not have to be perfect; moreover, imperfection just makes people healthy. and people who

like it when they see the ideal in them, that is, god yes, lie. yes, the ideal is god, and so here are the people who like that they conditionally kneel in front of them. they say you are my ideal. this is who the narcissist, psychopaths, in principle, are not very healthy addictions of yours , here are the men. your man was addicted. he drank. his parents were taken to another city for rehabilitation. everything was very difficult there for 3 years. he was in another region and then came to moscow, as he says, you know, life is zero again, these people are not bad, it’s important just to understand that building relationships with them. it's about building relationships with people with disabilities. it's just that they have a part of their personality damaged and you shouldn't expect any sharp, quick movements from them. well, no to you. another question you have

three boys. yes, and i just thought about what is possible, this is the model of your relationship with men can be transmitted and somehow distort your relationship with your sons. can you shut yourself up in your bedroom, say? yes, i think i spend the boys. mom, i see that everything is so whole here. the only thing that can affect your children in this sense is your feelings of guilt, which you experience is not the model itself. it seems to me that they are just very clear, but they see that this model is painful for you. it seems to me that your boys are right. well done in this sense, right . thank you, but you should not feel guilty in front of them. why because, when we face even the best children, we feel guilty for a long time. whether we like it or not. they start us for this feeling of guilt, and the children are

something instantly. you know, as i go into the bath , i roared and left. i can’t stand them, i don’t show that i am yes, anyway, probably, a person from different. yes, can some recommendations be wrong, it means that something is wrong with you, something is wrong with natalya , and something is wrong with me, and something is wrong with every person on this earth not so it makes you cry the thought that something is wrong with you it’s not just because you decided that everything should be like this with you, the only person on earth, yes, that’s all, you’re not mistaken. there is something wrong with everyone. are you a living smart girl? let's cry. come with you. well, the man came, what's wrong with me? something is wrong, but something is right, but if you continue the phrase, what is wrong with me as what i want. how i want

alena dear. that's when you say that everyone somehow sees this way, again, a certain cover. here you see some woman walking with a stroller and with a child by the hand. dressed rested i don’t know, and you begin to imagine yourself. here she is waiting at home, loving caring husband. he really appreciates what he does for him. and you look, and you all came up with no, you don't know what's behind the doors of this woman, you understand, you came up with this story for yourself. i can, for example, their parents grandparents. well, everything was fine. you saw no, i'm not. you saw exactly what they wanted to show you to give birth. and there is another moment. they might be happy. they could forgive, she could ignore. they could move the focus to something else. understood, understand important understanding. yes, happiness is accepting that life doesn't have to be perfect because of

the weather. you're not nervous or you're also nervous no, why is the weather not ideal ? hmm, i'm already used to it. there are so many years here, these are like real life and in relationships, otherwise it’s all fantasy. this is a podcast of the psyche , we are discussing how to live when you cannot forget your beloved mikhail horse tells our heroine alena how to act correctly and how to think correctly? do you sometimes go to the art museum, there where well pictures, yes landscapes according to answers and so on. have you ever seen an outstanding landscape or portrait or some kind of everyday scene, and recognized as a masterpiece, which would be perfectly beautiful people, ideal brand new houses, ideal sky, think about it the next time you go to a museum. pay attention to this. and you will see that we are attracted to ordinary viewers. eh, those

plots in which there is some kind of imperfection, some kind of break, asymmetrical faces that are not very beautiful, extinguished. yes, it's interesting. you know, perfect isn't right i wonder how not perfect. different people can attract them in art in different ways. yes, but ah, there are fantasies there, and once again i strive there, just do not demand that it be ideal, because it will never be ideal, there will always be something to strive for. this is fine again, not ideal. there is only your demand of the devil. well, already stop grown up. stop demanding. well, all the same , there are people who also strive to achieve something and after work, lying on the couch, talking. well yes, no, well, lie bad lie on the couch after work just because because you are so-so people, but what i can not afford. no, this does not mean that that is, how good it is for you, but in another way it’s bad, too, you refuse this opinion of a man who lies on

the couch after work, no one can force you to meet with such a man. strange. he does not want to let it be strange, but to enter into a relationship with such a man and suffer that he behaves this way. do not be reborn, because i can change, of course, and i tried to change something people can. well, well, time, let's do it in this guy. uh, the only thing, really, is kind of the reason he's not worth living with. it's that he climbed your phone at night. and what is most interesting . it was with him that i got some such banal unusual stories, and i went to the subway and took my paintings, and the name of the painting from the exhibition was written to take. she took them. e, and the name of the artist, when i come home i put the work. well, we sit, eat, watch tv. i have a phone without a password, they have to post on social networks. hello, i was on the subway with you. i liked you. so i decided to find you by the name of your name, vkontakte well, i

found you. let's get acquainted. hello young man. what is i say, well, he did read the whole situation there, of course. no. we replied that even without admiring, so to speak. listen to your mother, but this is generally a look at your fucking. yes, that's another thing, if you did not want such a reaction, no one can force you to endure this reaction. and you then they tried to return it, as i understand it, humility came to turn it off. i say, let's try it all over again. forget what to block after that, he blocked me everywhere, deleted everything everywhere. all. he said that's it, that's enough. i'm already tired. i say ok. well, here it is important that he was not tired because of you, he became because of his experiences the essence of which they are when i do not bring you out emotional and even manager. why doesn't it take out? well, because he, well, sort of distrusted. eh, jealousy, you see, it's not trust in you. he doesn't trust himself. this

to him. he feels the danger of the chicken, because you are so beautiful. i just need an ideal for you. and he considered himself an ideal. he thought you can’t even imagine that he is there with one such psychotype throwing him. he somewhere feels like an ideal , he considers, especially in words. he needs to show a lot. and why is that because he just doesn’t feel like that. he spoke according to the sign of the zodiac, and he is a lion in everything. that was his. yes, what he says and what he also thinks are different things, so here's what's important again yes. and of course people can be changed the question is how much we invest in it. and here is the technique for you and other wonderful active women in general. i believe that the future of russia is provided by women, men are more and more disappointing to me, especially when i go to the subway and look at how they mean caps of air. here. uh, how when i watch them in the subway are not inferior along with women. i, uh, everything, more and

more sad. here but in the relationship will be the most important thing now michael is a special technique. how can you build relationships if a man is still not up to you? listen, pretend, pretend to be fools, pretend to be poor, poorer than you are. pretending to be weaker than you are. so it is not necessary to always be sincere in a relationship and such as it is or such, or rather, as you would like to be, you can pretend somewhere and in something. so you can not dump on your men immediately you understand yourself. let's now come to something even more important. yes, we realized that not with the first man we are talking about with second. uh, well, you and i, probably, people will not want to restore relations. this task alena, i don’t feel like a psychologist, just

because i’m not a professional. and here i am, as a professional psychologist, telling a journalist what and how women say, well, i don’t want to restore relations with a second man. and i'm telling you as an expert. can you do it? or try, but in any case , the responsibility is on you and do it to restore or not restore the best in a calm state, and not because you feel bad without them is the first. yes, and the second. now in this new status, realizing it , give yourself time to live and not demand from yourself. you will definitely start to do it right away , once i realized that it’s not what it is it’s bad there, i immediately demand from myself to change. here's tomorrow. no, you will suffer for a while and the third. well, start slowly. yes, that's right here to pronounce repeatedly the phrase that the absence of an ideal. it's not bad. this is not good either. it's just normality. yes , alena really likes to suffer. she likes herself in this state. maybe because

i heard such that when you suffer, you tell everyone how bad i feel for you , everything starts to feel sorry for you and in this way. you want girlfriends all friends you like it when you feel sorry, but like it. well, i like it so chic when i get bored. listen, do you like it when you are praised and admired, like it, because it's just the most focus to deploy. yes, there is alena suffering, attracting attention to this. i'm sorry the girls sympathize with you, and there is alena like this wonderful, this one, which is in social networks, everything in social networks is enough that everyone is happy, everyone rejoices in all combustion. in that. you get some kind of response. yes, people who like what you do, oh, who i'm teaching for free, even teaching how to create jewelry and do now on fire. here, settle the emotions that we are now telling, she is well, almost the same as when you suffer in the bath to cry, yes

, the truth is agreed. in principle, this is a hobby in which i say, mikhail, remember, he told you, yes, he will plug holes so that he doesn’t resources flowed out and filled this vessel. well, here's the class, so let it fill the vessel, i fill it with this, but holes again , holes are negative emotions, negative emotions - this is not a consequence of what is happening to you, this is a consequence of how you evaluate it. if you rate it just come up so bad. why because i want it differently? and how i want it good. here is the formula, it is not provable. why as i want. this is good. why is it bad otherwise? these questions are impossible to answer because the truth is different than we want. it's just different, so once again, yes, it's not love, it's addiction, let's summarize , as it were, some results, here, the second. i give myself the right to get out of this addiction in time. even despite the fact that i

've been in it for 7 years. so what, i just now realized that this is an addiction. yes, it's hard, i've been meaning him for a long time, and this other guy. yes, it means there is a third one, it's not me that's bad. and he's not bad. it's just the way life works that people come and go. this is fine. i'm ready to try to build a relationship with her ideal man. with those ordinary good guys who change the pain there, they don’t hurt me, they don’t devalue me. here. i want to just try to learn how to do it and go into this, maybe go into this relationship with regular guys, don't demand from yourself that this relationship is received. you can get into relationships, you won't be able to get into others , you won't be able to get in. over time, you will develop skills in new relationships with people who are not very ideal in your fantasies about them correctly. here, come try it. just give own time and at the same time that's feminine. yes , i do not have time, you know, lies, do you

have time? how do you like our advice? something interesting got for yourself the usual love depending on different things hmm that you don't need to build castles in the air that will not be so perfect is normal. yes? this is the main thing, thank you very much. you are great. well done. thank you very much. well, friends, we took apart the pieces of the life of our dear alena, who wants to be perfect, maybe without even giving herself an account, so she builds air castles and weeps bitterly when these castles collapse, but mikhail khors showed that in fact, happiness is not there, it will be a podcast of the psyche. thank you very much.