[000:00:00;00] yes, relationships are a dynamic thing, it develops, develops, because it changes, both each person in a couple and the relationship within the couple, and when such a breakup occurs, despite the fact that yes, you can communicate there via video conference, it still doesn’t matter the lack of living together, the lack of opportunity to constantly contact each other, creates, well, some obstacles, and the risks of a breakup increase, well, plus we know that physical intimacy is very often such an anti-crisis method, and there are many marital conflicts and quarrels moods, they are just hidden due to the fact that there is this part of your life, accordingly, i would not, and again, be super categorical to say that no long-distance relationships always end badly,

but i would say that after all this is a rather complicated thing, relationships are a complicated thing under ideal conditions , the divorce statistics show just this, and if we add some new difficulties to this, yes, like distance, the impossibility of seeing each other and some feeling of uncertainty about what will happen next, throughout apparently, because, as far as i understand, the breakup occurred when there was complete uncertainty, it lasted for several months after the lockdown, during which i was alone with the children, i realized how important it is for me to still have a person, that is, for me before that - well, once upon a time when we were young there were these stories that we could correspond with someone there for a year, we thought, oh my god, this is my love, then we met once and realized that goodbye, i love you,

i don’t want to see or know, but of course we’ve been here for 3 years we still saw each other, we had different contacts, there was a lot of warmth, emotional support, from a distance, at the same time physically, there was something you could hold on to, feel, meet, and when i realized, that there was nothing for 3 months, and when the next contact would be unknown, it was scary, it was a terrible tragedy, to lose this, of course i didn’t have enough calls, just well, after what happened, how many do you have? don’t communicate, well, for the first year we maintained communication, yes, that is, friendly, yes, he called and congratulated me and the children on their birthdays, he even sent gifts there through friends, but at some point i said that it just hurt me too much, that let

’s better not do it at all, but still, once every a year or two, well, like this too: this year i also wrote to him, i couldn’t stand it, i asked how, how are you, what are you doing, well, he was very happy, he said, well, in general, we talked and agreed that that we would be glad to see each other again, but when it’s not clear, because nothing has changed for him, he won’t go to russia may come, and i also can’t get into his country , we also can’t meet on neutral territory now, but there were other stories, not only this person, yes, those with whom you introduced your children, tell us more about this, yes, at some point i realized that i needed a person, and i needed a person here, and i had a friend who, in general, observed my

situation, and he, let’s say, came out of the shadows, and i left him as a friend, a family friend for the children, that is, well, we also spent time together, we went to the park, celebrated a birthday, but our relationship didn’t work out and we actually separated and it turns out that there was a person in our life, again the person in our life is no longer there. the children also had questions. where is this person now, what happened, it was difficult to figure out what to say to the children, but at the same time, being with a person with whom i understand that it wouldn’t have worked out for us, the relationship that i would like, in general, is traumatic this is for children, depending

on how you say it, because as i said, yes, older than 5 years, after all, children begin to understand a lot, and this requires some openness with them, a child can generally understand that people have separated, the understanding that a separation has occurred will not necessarily be traumatic for the child, but because children in in kindergarten, for example, they also became friends within the framework of their relationship, yes , they stopped communicating, and the child has this concept in the head that they can start communicating, or they can separate, and if the child is presented with this information, that yes, they started dating, within the framework even... they started to be friends, okay, the child will accept it, they stopped being friends, the child will also accept it, the concept of love for children is more complicated, but in general it is also possible, of course, in simple terms,

simple concepts, but in general it is possible, yes, there, first you can talk about friendship, you can talk about the fact that she likes this person, she likes being with him , little by little, introducing him into, well, let’s say, into the children’s world, yes, that’s what children see this person, they go to the cinema or go to some amusement park, for example, for example, only when the children already accept this person, they already have some credibility in him, they treat him well, then we can already say that there is a feeling for this person, i want, for example, to marry him , then yes the children will ask. will he, for example, become a dad for them, this is also an important point, you have already said that a dad is not the one who gave birth, but the one who raises, and given that, well, after all, children, at least

the eldest , he's of school age, yes, he’s 10 years old, now, yes, it’s obvious that he definitely understands, he understands, well, he understands everything sufficiently, then... naturally he can talk about these things normally, but how many younger? the little one is already six, she also already understands and i understand that everyone understands everything, well, yes, this is already necessary, yes, milena did everything right, she is her friend, who was truly a friend, he imagines that this my friend, yes great, yes, why not, why not, yes, but to questions about whether he will become a dad, but in principle, in principle, usually, psychologists recommend doing some dilutions , that, yes, there is, for example, a biological father, yes , yes, even if there is no chotic relationship with him, we still talk about it, there still must

be a separation , because for teenagers , for example, this is usually important, well, for teenagers it’s often important to find out, in fact, what’s wrong with my biological one, but where did it go? if this topic is taboo, it will create some tension in the teenager, well, literally something like that instability, and probably interfere with building relationships with your own family member, or even with a new family member, and accordingly your own romantic relationships in the future, that is , both ways, this is important, so it’s still a figure. .. my own father, and biological father, he needs to be brought into the context of what he was like, and maybe even, i don’t know, about the younger one, but tell the older one if he has an interest in this and is already asking questions there

questions on this topic, then at least tell us how we met, the history of this relationship, are we telling the truth, or an astronaut, a pilot, who else, a sailor, the truth? went on a voyage, didn’t return, so we tell the truth, even if it’s not pretty, even if it’s unsightly, but i soften it, yes , but we soften it, that is, soften the sharp corners, but on the whole there must be truth, because, why not lie, yes , well, older teenagers, for lying, will lose any trust in their parents and then just contact with the teenager. it will be very difficult to establish, but is there arthur, what is the age of the children, when you need to be more careful when introducing a new family member, anyone, really, that is, if, if the child is in acute

puberty, it is just as risky as if the child is 6 years old, there are just different risks, wait, the teenager is already used to 14 years, now to a certain model of the world, everything is already... settled and his mother is actually his mother, right? it seems that there is such a line running here, direct clashes are very often, this is another kind of jealousy, in general it may be teenage jealousy. well, yes, well, yes, but this is it again it’s not the end of the world if the child is made to understand that the mother has not gone away, well, that is, the mother also pays attention, especially since teenagers, especially older ones, do not always need attention, they are already slowly beginning to separate from the parent, well, , they generally drag on, dear, i will blow your mind less, yes, the mother says to her teenage son, in general, they are not lying, but the teenager is just happy with this information

in general, again, yes, if he has everything ok, everything is fine, he’s already glad to have a little distance, because teenagers after all, they love freedom, gifts need to be given to this new family member, or it will be such a bargaining, bribery, with sad consequences, gifts can be given as long as it does not turn into direct bribery, and into replacement, that is, i i won't turn it on you. attention, i’ll just give you a gift, this shouldn’t happen, you shouldn’t do this, well, that is, a gift should not be a substitute for attention and warmth, if there is attention, if there is warmth, if there is a good relationship, then the gift is definitely nothing will not spoil it, but if the person with whom if milena gets to know each other, that this is her person, they will also have children of their own, well, from previous marriages, then at what point should you introduce the children, or at least talk about the fact

that, uh, these are now yours, in general, somewhere relatives, dear, this is a girl, it’s better if this happens before they become relatives, that is, even at the stage of some joint trips, yes there, and trips to nature or going to the cinema, that is , neutral territory, of course, of course, my children will be? i just know them yes it’s better - this is neutral territory and naturally not when - now we all bear the same last name, but not at this moment, this is a psyche podcast, you can watch all podcasts on the website of the first channel 1tv.ru, this is our psyche podcast hero milena, who came to us with her question, how to properly meet

a man and bring him into the house, when you already have several not very successful experiences behind you. well, milena, do you still have any questions for the psychologist, right now at this moment? we raised the topic here about biological dad, and i remembered just such a situation that since the little girl basically hasn’t seen her biological dad, she doesn’t know, and i didn’t raise this topic with her due to... but when we broke up for 3 years , your daddy of the relationship was me just, well, in a playful way, i asked her, “i’m your mommy, who is it,” well, just like that , she told me, without a grain of doubt, this is our man who was the one who accepted him, who accepted him, who, well, in fact, yes, he, and it was just

like that heartbreak because i am so i was confused, because i didn’t want to do this, well, that is, i had the thought that it’s good that you think that this is your dad, because, well, the person really deserved it with everything and trust with his actions, but then at some point she began to grow up and , in fact, just after 5 years, when everyone’s mom and dad, she had this question, and her brother joined in, who already understands, and he said this illusion, that is, no, this is actually not your dad, well, how would i admit, well , how would i admit, tell the story that your dad is my brother’s dad, so, but i’m not sure that she somehow understood it then , perceived it, so yes, most likely she will return to this issue, well, it’s good that

she already has a picture , probably, she will want to somehow complete this picture, well, maybe a little older, age, but later this will be enough for her for now , maybe a little later she wants, then you can really tell the story of the relationship, you can show photographs, and if photographs of the biological father are preserved in including, telling the story of those relationships, again yes, so that the children can imagine, yes, but how... this relationship with my biological dad developed, that is, why this man appeared, for example, including, yes, that is, it’s understandable , that as i said, a sharp corner can be smoothed out, but better. if this story is for children, well, as honest and logically structured as possible, then in their heads everything will be quite smooth, stable, understandable, everything is on its own shelves, but one day they may ask, mom, why are you with dad, you don’t

communicate with our real biological one, why don’t you bring him to us, and what did you do? i cannot influence a person, take him and bring him. it’s probably some kind of violence, but my biological dad knows where we live, knows our phone numbers, periodically once a year, too, i remind you before our birthdays that we have birthdays soon, if you want mm, we’re like- then congratulate him, call him, that is , all the phones are in direct access, he knows all the numbers, his relatives know them, by the way, they also don’t manifest themselves from the word at all, so i did what i could, well, i don’t see the point in trying to force myself somehow, that is, if a person doesn’t want to, yes, that is,

the person has a new family there, he switched, well , 'okay, at some point it was difficult, unpleasant, but i accepted it, that is , at some point milena will just need to be told this truth too, but about how the relationship with her biological father developed, maybe maybe without such details, if the children don’t have questions, if will arise, yes, of course, it’s worth answering them, if they don’t arise , then you can make the story a little shorter, that is, indicate, of course, the separation , maybe indicate some reasons why they separated, which means now the position is that dad has another family, so he doesn’t see you, well, yes, the child will say, i’m probably bad, we’re probably such bad children that dad doesn’t want to communicate with us, naturally, this can happen if you give the children something like this negative

picture, so responsibility is clear needs to be shifted towards the father, but this is objective, it is true, and the responsibility is there, not on the children, but on the father, well, that is , dad decided to leave, he decided to leave there, or create another family, he left, yes, this was his choice, well, also so-so, to be honest, the concept, yes, it would be funny, if not so sad, in any case, there is no need to sweeten the pill too much, it doesn’t matter if we somehow try this situation, well there to conditionally sweeten it up to make something like this more idealistic, then it’s more likely in general, children, on the contrary, will be left with even more questions, a feeling of some kind of unrealism, understatement, and something like that, yes, that well, or complexes, or some kind of complexes, yes,

so still, even if it is not very pleasant story, it is important that the child as a whole will be able to perceive it, he will have someone to rely on and he will not feel that he is abandoned or somehow unworthy, this is important, everyone will wait together for the new dad, so be it and it will be, milena, i believe that you are really doing very a lot of things for your children, and in general you are doing the right thing, but from what we talked, so it seems to me that you are on the right path, complementing yourself... that it is really worth remembering that life is a holistic thing, and good, when there are all spheres in this life, yes, there is some ideal picture that you need to strive for, but at the same time do not forget about the rest of life, this was a psychic podcast, where we are with today’s

expert, clinical psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences, artur timofeev our heroine milena, we figured out how to properly... find a man, that family where there is no dad, how to properly introduce children, what the risks are, and where the prospect of happiness is, it is always there. it's news time on channel one, my name is yuri sherbakov. hello. russian troops carried out strikes in the special operation zone. at points of temporary deployment of foreign mercenaries and training of ukrainian saboteurs, the ministry of defense reported. during the day, 11 attacks were repelled by the ukrainian armed forces in donetsk,