thes words written 200 years ago today, the state of american farmers, all that straight ahead on "al jazeera america." keep it here. >> hi i'm lisa fletcher and you're in the stream. hi. i am lisa fletcher. you are in thestream. children are divorced parents are twice as likely to drop out of high school and less likely to go to college. is it time to approach how we are facing divorce. how divorce has impacted not only a generation's view on marriage and relationships but on society. later, what's a beta marriage? surprising alternatives to tying knot that millennials would be

willing to try. minimallial millennials are ready to try. our dplight producer and co-host wajahat ali is here. our team is right in line with >> a we have been taking a control with our team. our team is in line with that 55ish. 50% 55%, forour team, we're the odd balls in our team, our parents have stayed together , hi parents divorced. i vote that parents not stay together for, quote, sake of the kids. unhappy parents are very stressful on kids and lisa we've had personal stories come through twitter, google plus,

video comments and i'll be sharing them throughout the show. >> divorce is never easy on the kids. but could it have a longer and more serious impact than previously thought? edge of eighteen tackles different subjects with students. >> my parents basically hated each other and my mother was having an affair. >> i can't get over something, scarred you so much. >> divorce on the rise since 2009 after a 40-year low is it time to confront these impacts on kids in a more serious manner? joining us in studio is randy kessler. he's been a divorce attorney for more than 20 years and a former chair of the family law section of the american bar association. author of divorce, protect yourself your kids and your future.

mariana sam, is the student you just saw on edge of eighteen. and julia is a psychologist and the co-author, of the book the unexpected legacy of divorce. thanks to all of you for being here. julia you did a groundbreaking 25 year study on the children of divorce. we all reflectively say divorce is tough on kids. but are we paying attention to how tough it is and the long term impacts? >> probably not. even though there have been several studies that are -- that ours being one of them showing clearly that divorce is really difficult on both parents and kids when it happens and then over the years following divorce, i don't think there have been enough social and legal attention paid to the long term effects. and we're seeing it now. in terms of the whole generation of people who are wary of marriage and wary of having

kids. >> julia just mentioned the legal effects. randy, this is something that you've immersed yourself in for the last 25 years. what do you see from your perspective? is there a lot of nuanced effect that people are not paying attention of? >> thank goodness for julia and the doctor who wrote these books. the kids are resilient, i've got to focus on me my new partner, my new boyfriend. you're not divorcing your children. when you get remarried you're installing a new emperor and children are really weak and vulnerable and we just overlook that. >> you know there's a new team, acod, adult children of divorce, a new acronym, a lot of acods who tweeted in.

michelle said, when your parents divorce, you experience grief, over the family unit, when your parents divorce it destroys your foundation and forcing you to question your identity. stephanie: i had to choose whose family i was in. talking about the divorce on children, identity, family units, relationship, i mean you oar child whose mother was not part of her life. tell us about the effect that has had on you growing up? >> affected me a lot. many different ways. i don't really have someone to talk to about you know regular teen aged things that mothers and daughters could talk about and also, to affect me as operson. because i have been absent from my life for more than five years. so there are times when you know i would feel alone or you would keep things to myself or where i

would have to grow up a little faster and be the mother figure for my younger sib sings. >> -- siblings. >> does divorce affecting earning potential, education potential? have you seen that in your studies? >> definitely, children from divorced families as you said in your intro, are less likely to succeed educationally. their emotional difficulties make it harder for them to get through high school. and the lack of financial resources caused by the divorce makes it less likely for them to be supported going on to college or even if they're in college, getting through college. and that, obviously, affects their earning potential, for sure. >> mariana, your first year in college, talk about what that's

been like for you. >> i think what happened with my parents sort of motivated me to be successful and try harder so i don't have the same fate as my parents. so i can you know build a family soon and be able to support them, like my parents did for me. so i think it motivated me more than anything else. >> we're talking about when parents divorce the standard is what's in the best interest of the child lisa so we asked our community, should that be the standard? julia says they should turn children of divorce into garden mulch. or ravia said the standard should always control. or perhaps courts would have a better idea of best interests if they considered the opinions of children now adults who experienced it. a good point, should we take into consideration the child's views opinions thoughts, for the custody battle or more to the

third party as it is now randall? >> well, it depends. depends on the age and maturity of the child, yes. second of all, you don't want to involve the child, so they feel responsible for the ultimate outcome. you want that to be a judge's decision. but even raising children in an intact family, happy husband happy wife is orveg. we're going through a divorce, everyone naturally focuses on me, what can i do to make sure i'm okay coming out of this. and you got to make the time, saying me second, you first. something to emphasize but children should be considered and their rights, their preferences, should absolutely be considered by judges by guardians by psychologists that are evolved. >> -- involved. >> randy mentioned, how am i going to manage my new relationship my new spouse my new this my new that.

i think we've created this culture of divorce where parents, adults have so many more freedoms now than they ever have, because divorce is so more widely accepted but what does that translate to for the kids? >> it translates for the kids, that the kids need, even though we have the thing that's called best interest of the child it really doesn't work out that way. as randy pointed out, there's very little acknowledgment of children'children's legal and fl need. and at the time of divorce, children are understandably totally subsumed in their own emotional turmoil. and it's even harder for them at that point in time to concentrate, to think that they're doing what's best for their children. mostly in the majorities of cases they're fighting -- majority of cases that they're fighting what they want

themselves and assuming it's in the best interest of the child. the other thing i might throw out there is that decisions made at the time of the divorce, with regard to custody, visitation might be okay for children at that point in time. but they're very rarely revisited and children grow and they develop and their needs change. and oftentimes children find themselves imprisoned practically in a set of visitation and custody agreements that no longer fit who they are or what they need. >> you know it's interesting, mom has a lawyer, dad has a lawyer. children don't have a lawyer. sometimes they have a guardian looking out for their best interest and can't say this is what i want. it's my lawyer, her lawyer, and we hope are that will be the best interest of the children. lawyers. >> in the piece waj mentioned,

if i pick dad this day, mom the other day, they are in very conflicting feelings one would think. >> visitation foster a 16-year-old, there's nothing you can do. a 16-year-old's going to do what they want to do. if they want to spend the night at mom's house how are you going to stop a 16-year-old? that's probably the result of not having good planning when they were three or four or six loose julia was talking about. >> randy, how can parents going through divorce sexually deal with what's a difficult situation. jorge says, never get a dwoshes. sometimes people need ofight to stay married. sometimes jorge. make it a quick and clean break. don't trash the other in front of the kids and make the visits easy. >> and read julia's book and the doctor's book.

carry these things for 30, 40 years not just six months. >> marianna how was it for you? >> i think it was after the divorce it was a lot easier for myself and my siblings. because we didn't have to hear the constant arguing and fighting. i decided to stay with my dad and i feel a lot better now than when my parents were together. >> you know i hate to be smiling when mariana says it, but when i told my child i was getting a divorce the child said, what took you so long? parents think they're doing the child a favor, by not telling them. sometimes a frank discussion, i don't know if mariana grace with mariana agrees

with that but -- >> it was a bit of a relief, i admit everything was better once i knew. >> julia in preparation for show i was reading a study that was a bit spruzzing to me. it was -- surprising to me. it was older young adults, emotional three quarters of them had said my life would be different and i would be different if my parents had not gotten divorced. and they expressed extreme grief even into adulthood, 18, 19, 20, 21 years old. waj mentioned adult children of divorce. talk a little bit about the impacts on kids that are older that i guess a lot of us would assume oh they're grown up, they're past this. >> yes well, in many ways i think divorce impacts older children more, because they have more understanding of what's going on and what they're

losing. you know when your parents divorce when you're 3, most of that life is spent in the post-divorce family. when your parents divorce when you're 16 most of your life is spent with your parents together. it does have a very different effect. you know, i think mariana has a good point, for most kids they've lived through a lot of overt trauma. and in fact, for many kids they're involved in their parents conflict. so i think for people -- for families like this, it's actually a relief, when the decision is made and the household is broken up. but for other kids this is a surprise. they know that the parents are not getting along but basically, they are not involved in the parents' problems. and them and in fact in many families where the parents don't

get along, the child is really parents. in the midst of the troubled marriage. so a lot of this depends on how the kids react. it depends on what the dynamics were in the family leading up to the divorce. >> up next we're going to look at how the divorce impacts society as a whole. and if you want to send us your story, keep tweeting us >> a crisis on the border >> they're vulnerable these are refugees. >> migrant kids flooding into the us. >> we're gonna go and see who's has just been deported. >> why are so many children fleeing? >> your children will be part of my group... >> fault lines, al jazeera america's hard hitting... >> there blocking the door... >> ground breaking... >> truth seeking... >> we have to get out of here... award winning investigative documentary series...

no refuge: children at the border only on al jazeera america

>> welcome back. we're discussing the impacts of divorce on kids, buoyed by the groundbreaking study by julia, in the 1960s, marriage was the norm for young people and now

it's kind of the exception. is american marriage dying? >> no, american marriage is not dying. i think a lot of people are way-more tuned into the effects of divorce and they might be warier of marriage and they may be more cautious and they might be thinking of alternative models of commitment and recommitment. but i think marriage itself is alive and well. >> rearnd, d randy, do you think people are thinking of marriages rather than singular? >> sometimes we already have the template already set to go, filling in the name of the new husband. prenups, have that covered, awareness is not a bad thing. awareness of divorce and the possibility of divorce makes people think do i really want to get into this and if i do get into it how do i want to conduct

myself if and when that comes. awareness of divorce is a good thing i think. >> we have talked to acods,ive resilient might have a positive result in my own life? stephanie said i used to be against and scared of marriage and said i'm never going to do it. but now i have a man i want to marry. michelle. >> i had just gotten married when my parents got divorced. i was very scared i had made the wrong decision and would i make the same mistake as my parents. it was awfully hard to be happy as a newly wednesday when my parents' marriages was falling apart. >> what does it mean to society as a whole? >> well, i

think that it is harder for -- so what we're seeing is a couple of things. we're seeing children of divorce, now young adults, they're understandably wary about marriage and they are very wary about having children. because what they'll tell you is, i don't intend to divorce and i don't want a divorce in my marriage. but i particularly don't want to have kids and have my kids go through a divorce. so we're seeing children of divorce delaying marriage, an once they're married they're delaying having kids which i think is a wise move. but what we're also seeing interestingly, is you asked me earlier about the impact of divorce on children's, young adults' identity. we're seeing kids grow up very insecure about going into relationships about being able to have a committed rich.

and so surprisingly, we see children of divorce actually leaping into marriage earlier. when they do marry. and we all know that the earlier you get married, the less likelihood that marriage is going to last. >> you used to have clients come to me 20 years ago, and say i'm so ashamed to be here, nobody this my family has gotten divorced. it's the exact opposite now, i should have known, my parents, my grandparents. there's been a world shift at least from my perspective. >> tina says, my parents divorced when i was three but reconciled. she has been matter two years now, there you go, but then here is do you think parents need to have adult children to be happy?

right now, children need married parents to emerge and stay happy. >> i think they need happy parents. and sometimes divorce is not a good thing but the truth of the matter is the divorce is a process of the marriage. if they're taking out their age inner front of children do it separately. i see post-divorced people that work out better. usually, somebody didn't want the divorce and somebody did. once you have that maturity, and figure out children are going to come first, always, there are benefits to divorce. there are two set of christmas presents, two families giving gifts. >> half of the friends that you have mariana, your grandparents divorced.

do you notice anything in your personal life or relationships that would indicate there is sort of a cycle of or proclivity to divorce if it's in your family? >> i think so. a number of cases, i'm cambodian and my parents got together when they were very young you know for financial reasons and everything like that. so i do think that they rushed into marriage for stability and to be able to live in america. and that affected their marriage and everything because it was forced on them. >> still ahead, the marriage rate is at an all time low and some feel it's time for a beta marriage. >> a new episode of the ground breaking series, edge of eighteen >> just because your pregnant don't mean your life's ended. >> intense pressure... >> i don't know if this whole dance thing will work out. >> tough realities... >> we chicago ch-iraq, because we have more killings...

>> life changing moments... >> shut the camera.... >> from oscar winning director, alex gibney, a hard hitting look at the real issues facing american teens. the incredible journey continues... on the edge of eighteen only on all jazeera america

♪

>> welcome back. we're discussin discussing shifg perceptions of marriage in the millenial generation. >> what kind of marriage would you like, a presidential marriage where every four years you get to think about it and maybe reup for four years? the majority said they would like the beta marriage, the two-year marriage. it's not viable. you can't have a temporary marriage. you're either in or you're not. was the child you had letting? marriage? do you have to sign a prenup every two years? that doesn't make sense. >> if you're not sure maybe you're not ready,

says this commenter. that would be a great idea, most marriages fail in first year if not the second. mariana you are our resident millenial. beta marriages good idea or bad idea? >> i kind of think bad idea. i'm more traditional. if i want to get into it, i want it for long run. i get why some people would choose to have a beta marriage. >> julia, it sounds to me there's a fundamental fear of commitment with those numbers. why? >> i think they're understandably quite wary and i agree with what randy said. the thing i like about the results of that study, i think that actually having a four year or a two year reup contract is problematic. but what i like about it is the idea that you review your marriage at specified time periods.

you don't just let it drift along and build up unhappiness or build up resentments. there's an idea about that, that you look at it very closely after two years or four years that might not be an in or out kind of thing but it really would force people to probably have more communication and put in more he of the. >> and so we asked our community beta marriages does it mean people are more flexible or noncommittal? jt says flexible noncommittal are two sides of the same coin. randy, we'll give you the final word, flexible or noncommittal? >> i've got to vacillate on that one. >> because you're an attorney? >> i'm a romantic. do it, jump in. do it, never to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. >> on that note i want to thank

you, all our guests, randy, julia and mariana. edge of eighteen, don't miss it, sunday 9:00 p.m. eastern. waj and i have already seen it, it is fantastic. log onto our website aljazeera.com/ajamstream. >> start with one issue education... gun control... the gap between rich and poor... job creation... climate change... tax policy... the economy... iran... healthcare... ad guests on all sides of the debate. >> this is a right we should all have... >> it's just the way it is... >> there's something seriously wrong... >> there's been acrimony... >> the conservative ideal...

>> it's an urgent need... ...it's an urgent need... and you'll get... the inside story ray suarez hosts inside story weekdays at 5 eastern only on al jazeera america ♪ this is "al jazeera america" live from new york city. i am richelle carey. the come in attic push is on. secretary of state john kerry rounding up allies against the islamic state group. more witnesses to the killing of michael brown. their reactions captured on this cell phone video. american sports stars in the spotlight not for the play but for violence off of the