clarkson: tonight -- the brighter, whiter way to ruin your underpants... and how much lorrying can you get for £5,000? hello! hello, and welcome! hello! thank you so much. thank you, and welcome to a brand-new series.

now, in this series, we thought we'd... we'd aim it at a slightly more mature, older audience, so we did a thing on why beige is the right color for your car... i went on a coach tour of north wales. and then... and then we found out the bbc is putting us up against "strictly come sequins." same time on the other side. now, everyone over the age of 85 is going to be watching that, so we had to throw all our hard work away and literally yesterday morning begin again. here comes a taster now of what we've been able to cobble together. blinkers on, and off we go. [ hammond yelling ] clarkson: man, this is great. hammond: right, saint-tropez. wah! please, can i go home? hoh-hoh. hammond: wow! go, go, go!

power! check it out. clarkson: forward into the pages of history. this is important work. stig's communist cousin. goodbye, mr. may! may: it's hakkinen. [ laughter ] now i'm just utterly lost. back to the studio. hey, that's my line! [ laughter ] that's my -- [ cheers and applause ] not bad, eh? all that in 24 hours. so anyway, that's what's coming up in the series. now let's get on with tonight, and porsche, which somehow has bought volkswagen and as a result every hedge in the world has gone bust. i have no idea what any of that means,

but i do understand this. it is the gt2. it's a lightweight, stripped-out, hardcore, two-wheel drive version of the turbo, and i've been out on the track to see what it's like. [ screaming ] [ screaming ] and that concludes my road test of the gt2. it's terrifying. which is why, if i wanted a really fast two-seater, i'd get one of these. [ engine starts ] some people have said in the last year or so that the lamborghini gallardo is just an audi r8

with a fancy name and a bigger price tag. not anymore, it isn't. this new model, daintily called the lp560-4, looks pretty much the same as the old model. but it's 20 kilograms lighter and more powerful. [ engine revs ] it now has a 5.2-liter v10 which produces 552 horsepowers. that means this streak of white lightning is faster even than the old gallardo superleggera. it's faster, too, than a ferrari scuderia. and now we're going to find out how it gets on against the gt2.

that thing has launch control. put it in first, build the boost up to 13 pounds per square inch, dump the clutch, and you're off. this has something called thrust control, and i think that sounds like the hero in an airport thriller. thrust control. so, what you do, put it in corsa, which means... something, turn off the traction control, like so, left foot on the brake, build the revs up... [ engine revving ] oh, my god! waah! that's so fast!

so the lamborghini is faster and it's nicer to drive as well. in a corner, the gt2 was all over the place. the wheel was bucking and riding, the back end was playing hopscotch, the front end was pitter-pattering. look at it! i can see it here, look, following me around on this rearview camera. it's like being chased around by a turbocharged newly born albino smoking horse. don't get me wrong. this is still very lamborghin-ish. loud, a bit grunty... but behind the shouting, get-out-of-my-way exterior

beats the heart of a... big four-wheel drive softie. i'm not kidding, anyone can get into this and drive it very fast straightaway, no problem at all. how can you not like the gt2, you great, fat, balding, useless, hopeless, bandy-legged, bobble head, pointless, talentless, gutless, cowardly, witless lump of suede-shoe wearing daft-jean wearing idiocy. i knew you were going to say that. all of that? so i've decided that we're going to settle this on the track, okay? that means handing these cars over to our tame racing driver. some say that he sleeps inside out. [ laughter ] and that he once had full sex with russell brand's answering machine. [ laughter ]

all we know is, he's called the stig. and he's off! just a hint of wheel spin, but then it digs in. this thing really is ferocious off the line. green lambo here 'cause stig kept trying to mount the white one. ah, very composed through the first corner. like to see the porsche try that. [ morse code beeping ] yeah, stig appears to have started listening to morse code, very strange, or maybe it's him making that noise. belts it through chicago. now, hammerhead. four-wheel drive, of course. that should keep it... tidy, yes, it does, not a hint of understeer. just a wall of that v10 noise! now morse code. [ beeping ] now, follow-through, and my...god, look at that, he's having to use a flick of opposite-lock. stig's really going for it. steps out again after the tires, steady on, you morse-crazed mentalist! two corners left, still working hard,

only gambon to go now, and look at this, here he comes, he just glides it through, and across the line. mmm... what time did the gt2 manage? tell me the time of the porsche. it's caught fire. it's -- i don't know how that happened, it's literally spontaneously combusted. it's caught fire. it's -- i don't know how that happened, oh what fun it is to ride. get the mercedes-benz on your wish list at the winter event going on now - but hurry, the offer ends soon. [ho, ho, ho!] lease the 2015 c300 4matic for $419 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. power over 50 tools with a single battery.

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lamborghini did it in 1:19.5. that's quicker than the scuderia, as i said. so now, let's do the news! no, no, no, very good, but what about the porsche? no, what did the porsche do it in? i don't think anybody's interested. [ laughter ] it was faster, wasn't it? mmm... what time did the gt2 manage? tell me the time for the porsche. it's caught fire. what? it's -- i don't know how that happened -- it's literally spontaneously combusted. where does it go on the board? this -- i can't see anymore. it was an hour. imag-- an hour. yeah, it was an hour. sorry, mate, that's it. that is pathetic. it has come to this. let's do the news, as i said. right, the news, and of course, we have been off the air for a while. god, he's such a child. yeah, where is he, anyway? i don't know, in the audience somewhere, flicking people's ears and then blaming people -- clarkson: excuse me. [ laughter ] [ applause ] what? [ wolf whistle ]

you, uh -- you wearing that for a bit? yeah. anyway... james, bad news. the dacia sandero. the what? the dacia sandero is not coming to the u.k. oh. now, uh, british cars... british sports car makers, heroic chaps in sheds, they've always been able to pretty much melt your heart with their creativity, with the fantastic swooping curves of an e-type jaguar or an aston martin db7. and now there's a new british sports car. and here it is. good grief! is that the car or the shed he built it in with some wheels on it? it's the jetstream sc250. it costs you £30,000, and it's made in cornwall. is it made out of tin?

no. is it made out of clotted cream? strawberry wheels? does it spend every night on harlyn bay trying to snog public school girls while smoking marijuana? none of these jokes are working with this audience, but they are in my house. i know what you mean! yes. actually, i have to say, i do feel for the poor bloke who's launched this, because we're the best one in the world -- and i do wish you all the best, but i think, frankly... are you saying that all british sports car manufacturers who optimistically set up in a shed and think they can do better than porsche go bust? what, like tvr? yes. marcos? yes. strathcarron? yes. yes. yes. panther? yes. ginetta? no. are ginetta still going? they are. well, there's hope for him yet. um, there's a really good report in the papers this week, okay. and in shropshire, somebody went to one of those speed cameras, put a tire over it, a blanket over the top of the whole ensemble,

then poured petrol on it and set it alight, okay. fire brigade spokesman said it was, and i'm quoting, "a deliberate attack". now, listen, a lot of -- in the current financial crisis, okay, a lot of people won't be going on holiday next year to the caribbean, or indeed, anywhere even remotely exotic. but don't worry, because i think i've come up with a solution for you. good grief. check it out. it's a company in the isle of wight that's modified a citroen by fitting it with a hat. yeah. do you know, it cost £19,000? what's that? is that a window? or do you sort of unzip it, climb in, and put your head through it? "look, i've come as a citroen!" it's like one of those things at pontins. "go on, kids, stick your face through the citroen." but £19,000... for a citroen costume. and it only has one bed. well, he's not going to have a friend, is he? no -- he won't need two. now, lorry drivers, okay? they're always telling us they've got a very hard job. but as far as we can work out,

they go to work, sit down, and then go home again. yeah -- how hard can that be? well, to find out, the producers gave us each £5,000 and told us to use our extensive knowledge of lorries and lorrying to try and buy the best trucks we could find. then we were told to report to our test track where we would find out what it's actually like to be a lorryist. [ laughter ] at exactly 14 minutes past 9:00, the lorries turned up. hammond: there! clarkson: eh, ah. yeah. hammond: brilliant. clarkson: good. and then, using our massive knowledge of hgvs, we set about explaining why we bought what we bought. so, may, which one's yours? the scania. d94. it's... this is the sleeper cab, which has got the extra bit on the back

where you can sleep. they also did it as a day cab which didn't have that bit. so you couldn't sleep in it. um...it's the... he doesn't know anything. what color is it, james? what have you got, then? a lorry. what sort? a big one. well, clearly. that -- it's a renault, and, um... what makes this one... interesting is that the cab sits on top of all the engine. so it has a flat floor, and that means... hammond: the floor's flat. it's easier to fit the carpet. come on, then, hammond, show me what you've got. i have this. what is it? it's an erf. clarkson: this was hopeless. so, we resorted to our lorry crib sheets. has yours got... is all this just my lorry? let's be honest -- 12-liter straight six? go. 11 liters. i mean, it's not as big, but it's still pretty big.

nine liters. but, well, yeah, but the thing is -- did you just buy a shed? yours is tiny. it is ridiculously small. that's the caterham of the lorry world. yes. right. and the point of that is? well, there's bound to be a speed test. you think your lightweight 11-liter lorry... yeah. ah. no. not that. "in less-developed countries, such as australia and america, "people like to decorate and personalize their lorries. you will now go away and do the same." i'm going to need a hell of a lot of paint. no! no! aah! [ honking ] yeah, i'll do some of that! [ honking ] to help spread some holiday cheer. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time;

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once our lorries had been redecorated, we were told to meet at "top gear's" secret alpine test location in bedfordshire. richard had tried to make his lorry look more american by fitting a bonnet which was actually a dog kennel, james had gone for a gay and friendly indian look, and i hadn't. damn it. so, time for the next challenge.

what matters to lorry drivers? murdering prostitutes? and fuel economy. breakfast. okay, "you must now "demonstrate your lorry-driving skills by... power-sliding your trucks around..." i presume it means that skid pad. may: what is the point? you can't power-slide lorries, anyway. technically, you can't power-slide anything. well, "to prove that it's possible, "you will now watch a demonstration by our tame racing driver." "some say that his favorite all-time tune "is 'forever autumn' by justin hayward "and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material." all we know is, he's not the stig, but he is the stig's lorry-driving cousin. ♪ highway to hell ♪ on the highway to hell look, he's got lorry-driver's sun tan. hammond: i see, yes, yes. [ laughs ] he's nearly as big as american stig.

rig stig. yeah. clarkson: rig stig climbed into his tuned man and set off. look at that! wow! that's just fantastic! i love the smell of burning rubber in the morning when it's coming off that! that is power-sliding, there. look at it go! he's doing the doughnut! clarkson: his tires gone! his tire has -- run for your lives! run for your lives! so, james, what do you reckon? you can do that? piece of cake. clarkson: gingerly, we hit the skid pad. now, you see, this strip i've put here, i can't really see where i'm going. may: take the outside line, second gear, high range... now, power-sliding is easier in a car.

turn in, no power on. no, that's not gone as well as i'd hoped. here we go, slide! come on, you're a racing truck! this is what you should be good at. oh, me bonnet! driven over my own bonnet. clarkson: left foot braking. there's the answer. that didn't work, so i gave it more welly. and that really didn't work. no! no! ah -- [ horn blows ] yeah, i'll do some of that. [ blows horn ] doesn't work. meanwhile, in the renault... come on! spin! ah -- [ bleep ] ow!

it's -- this lorry driving, it turns out, is quite a lot harder than i thought. you're having trouble with your leg, as well? yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse. right, okay. may: after the gear lever had been removed from jeremy's bottom, we moved on to the next challenge. driving things. i've lost -- the suspension links have just come off. on your leg? no, on the lorry. "you will now drive to millbrook's high speed bowl." ah! you see, i told you there'd be a speed test. "but first you must "hitch up a trailer and then get there via the alpine handling course." that's hundreds of miles. no, it's not hun-- it's here, you idiot. it's just over there. this is where car makers test the handling of their new models. it's also where james bond rolled his aston martin in "casino royale." in a car, it is huge fun. in a lorry...

it probably isn't. may: "from the moment you arrive at the alpine course, "you have three minutes to get round. "you will also need to drive smoothly because your trailer is full of valuables." valuables? valuables. may: they weren't kidding. richard's trailer contained a car that hadn't been fastened down. mine contained an enormous wedding cake. and in jeremy's, there was some straw, which didn't seem so bad, but at the other end, there was an electric fire. finally, we were ready to go. away we go. [ laughing ]

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the mercedes-benz winter event is back, with the perfect vehicle that's just right for you, no matter which list you're on. [ho, ho, ho, ho] lease the 2015 e350 for $599 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. first, though, we had to get the trailers attached to our lorries. clarkson: now, where's my truck? there's no back window. i don't see why this needs to be all that difficult.

which way is that now? so i need to get that... hammond, being familiar with farmyard machinery, was confident of a quick hitch up. easy. us two, however... well, where does that go? didn't think this would be difficult, and it's not. it's done. the space between the cab... yours is done? yeah. if a lorry driver can do that, why isn't he a brain surgeon? scale. you know hammond's finished? looking smug. looking smug. you're looking smug. clarkson: eventually, some men came to help james and i, which gave me a chance to mend my window. why are you doing that? because i can't see where i'm going. didn't you think of that when you put it on? no. clarkson: finally, we were ready to go. away we go.

[ laughs ] ohh. you know the, "i've done it, i've finished"? you know that bit? maybe the pin's broken. clarkson: no. it could just be a faulty bracket that holds the -- no. okay, you're in there. eventually, we were ready to go again. sorry about that. right, we're off. forgive me for saying this, but how hard can it be? can somebody bring the forklift back? so, third time lucky. oh, this is brilliant. oi! clarkson: it was just over a mile

from the hitching point to the alpine course, but that was enough to give us a taste of what it's like to be a real lorry driver. for starters, there's the sheer number of gears. that's... first into first-and-a-half. second... two-and-a-half. clarkson: in a car, you can go from 1,000 rpm to 7,000, 8,000. in this, it's 1,200 to 1,500. then you have to change gear. 300 revs. don't stop! [ thud ] ooh! that's the car. why can't it just be -- hammond: somebody get a move on up there. if i have to start from the beginning of my gears again, i'll kill myself. [ sighs ] first. first-and-a-half. may: just let the lorry go. always let the lorry go. because this is a hard job, and i'm not just saying this to win favor with lorry drivers. it's a hard job. change gear, change gear, change gear. check your mirrors, murder a prostitute. change gear, change gear, murder. that's a lot of effort in a day.

still, because i had removed some of my stealth paint, i could at least see where i was going. sort of. [ metal crumpling ] what's that noise? jezza's making a right hash of that. you clipped a car. whose car? don't know, but they will notice. clarkson: we then took a wrong turn and ended up on the road where they test vehicle suspension. that wasn't such a problem for me in my sprung cab. but as for hammond... i'm worried i may be bounced out of the cab. eventually, we arrived at the start of the alpine course, which also meant our first encounter with a hill. may: jeremy, you've only got two feet. every time i come off the brake in order to get onto the throttle, which you have to do, it rolls backwards.

may: you're about eight inches. try using the hand brake like you would in, oh, i don't know, a car. hammond: the twists and turns of the alpine course were waiting for us, and, eventually, we got our trucks lined up on the start line. uh... get in gear, come on! no. no... yes. clarkson: it's a drag race between me and captain slow! come on, magnum! oh, god. plainly, in the heat of battle, james and jeremy had completely forgotten about their delicate cargos. clarkson's got the inside line. oh, it's getting a bit narrow here. slow! oh, lord. [ crash ]

yes, i've got slow. hammond: after my poor start, i, too, had little concern for my precious load. [ thud ] it sounds like a charging rhino running up and down the trailer in behind me. clarkson: back at the front, slow was refusing to give in. oh, that's close! whoa-hoh-hoh! i'm going to take him here. i've got a plan. i can't -- i can' turn in that. ah, you weren't ready for that, slow! down a bit of a hill. carries -- whoa! whoa! whoa! [ tires squealing ] that was -- i didn't want to do what i just did. clarkson: i'm in the lead! unfortunately, in all the excitement, i forgot to change down for the steep hill. [ engine struggling ]

no! no! it's dying on me! no, no! no! [ scraping ] you -- does understeer, this lorry. right, got to change ratios... next box. there you go. get it going, these things, suddenly you start to feel just how much power they have got to give. yeah, snap gear changes! clarkson: captain clumsy had severed my air lines and all the brakes were jammed on. i absolutely hope james may wakes up in the morning and 10,000 insects are in his underpants. [ laughs ] may: at exactly just over three minutes, i was the first to finish.

heh-heh-heh-heh-hey! now let's have a look at me cake. ah. check your air lines. that's what he hit. he's the clumsiest man in the known world. may: i'll just straighten it up a bit. hammond, meanwhile, was just squashing the finishing line. i'll be honest. i don't -- i think, like, the headlamps, tail lamps, because i heard a clunk at that end and then a clunk at that end and then a lot more clunks, and then it stopped and got smoother and smoother. headlights are going to be smashed to bits. i daren't look. yes, i know. it's bad, i'm sorry. well, it's worse than that. clarkson: i was now on the move again, and flying. now, come on! up the hill! is that bad for my points? yeah. well, more to the point, where is it?

i don't know! then jeremy arrived. fire! you're on fire! you're on fire! have we got a next challenge, lads? how can we be this rubbish? clarkson: this is totally -- so, anyway, how is your car? car's interesting. stolen! that's what it is, i've just thought of it now. stolen. the damndest thing. oh, that is actually quite bad, now. yeah, it is, that's on fire. drum roll, please! add brand new belongings from nationwide

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was in a pretty poor state. but, despite this, the producers threw us straight into the next challenge. "since you've now had some practice at lorrying..." yes. "and you are coming on well..." yes, i think we are. i'm not. "we shall now see whose lorry "is the fastest. to do this, you will have to take the limiters off." i was going to say, they're all limited to 56, aren't they? may: half an hour later, the limiters had been deactivated. clarkson: i'm going to drive this... ruined, ancient, burned lorry around here faster than her majesty's government deem to be safe. the venue for this harebrained test was the fearsome two-mile bowl. but hammond in his cater-erf was relishing the challenge.

hammond: oh, this is my sport truck's territory! clarkson: however, my lightened convertible magnum wasn't hanging around, either. my twelve-liter magnum has splashed the nine-liter scania and splashed it enormously! i'm doing 60. eat my magnum! yeah! things were less exciting in james's world. 59.5 miles an hour. clarkson: i was staggered by the speed of my magnum. i'm going 70 miles an hour in a lorry! but then hammond found another gear. yee-ha! oh, i'm all the way to 75 now. so, my lorry is -- what's the word? it's "faster," idiot. your lorry is quick. [ blows horn ] clarkson: we continued to pound round

until eventually we hit our top speeds. 80 miles an hour! 64.6. clarkson: hammond, though, was touching 90. yeah, thank you. clarkson: but then we received instructions that we had to stop. oh, [bleep]. the cameramen retreated to a safe distance. brake too gently, you won't pull up. brake too hard, you'll lock up the trailer's rear wheels, you'll jackknife, and roll. well, i'd rather not do either of those. clarkson: in fact, james discovered there is a terrifying third way of stopping a big lorry. may: ah! was it really that frightening? yes. we've got another challenge. i'm not interested. no, you will be. it says, "you now have to do a hill start.

this is a test of driving precision." it is, james, it's -- you've got to balance your hand brake, your clutch, your throttle... you love all that stuff. precision, and it says, "the winner will receive a year's supply of gentleman's literature." [ toilet flushes ] hammond: the literature in question was all very exciting, but the hill start was even better. our trucks would be placed on a slope and then, to focus our minds, items close to our hearts would be placed behind them. in jeremy's case, we went for his beloved drum kit. he's scared. may: on the drums, jeremy clarkson's lorry. hammond: very much "on the drums." i'm very fond of my drum kit. drum roll backwards down the hill! shut up. mirror. may: i think he's taking it very seriously. come on, get on with it, clarkson! clarkson: the fate of my drum kit rested on me being strong enough to engage the renault's crawler gear.

[ exhales ] oh, here we go, this is it, the moment. oh... oh. the one thing... my renault magnum can do is a hill start. hammond: now, we're not petty, but... drum roll, please! he just clipped it on the way backwards. it was... oh, mate, oh... hammond: so close, you just -- i know, you must have -- did you feel -- it never moved an inch. you've smashed my drum kit up. they made us... you've smashed my drum kit up. never mind, hammond was next, and i would strike down upon him with great vengeance and furious anger. i think he's going to be quite cross with us. "no!" "no!" have you seen what he's done to the number plate? oh, for god's sake. personal plates. he is such a pikey. no! well, it was your dog or that.

oh... evil [bleep]. my lorry didn't have a crawler gear. ooh-hoo-hoo! ah! [ clarkson laughs ] do you want to use it as a shock? no! i can't do it! do you want to give in? yes! okay, he's giving in. may, it's your turn. thanks to james's extended lavatory break, it was now getting dark. but there was no way we were going to stop. we've been around to james's house and we've relieved him of his prized grand piano. are you joking? hammond: no. clarkson: sadly, though, even before the test began, there was an issue. hammond: yes, it is dark -- [ laughs ] don't film that. just don't film -- just put the leg -- let's film something over here. what's more, our repair job wasn't brilliant. when he finds that his precious piano is propped up by a mountain of pornography,

he is going to go ape. okay, may! let it rock. he'll be very good at this. he likes this sort of thing. see, look, feeding in the power. he -- ooh. jeremy? ha! [ sound board resonates ] run. yes, run away. ha ha! keep the porn! [ laughs ] you can have that! hammond: we hoped that would be that. but, no. the producers said we had to meet up at the "top gear" test track the next day for one final challenge. clarkson: it says, "this is a test of speed, braking, and toughness "all in one. "you must accelerate "to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle, "and then stop as quickly as possible. "whoever does that in the shortest distance will win a year's supply of pies." what do they mean by "obstacle"?

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on this ryobi combo kit.

hammond: we really did have no idea what sort of obstacles we'd be driving through, but we could see the windscreens were being heavily fortified with mesh, so it probably wouldn't be balloons.

and so, with a sense of trepidation, i lined up on the start line and set off. 30. 35. come on! i bet hammond's pissing himself, but think of his book sales in there. they're massive. come on, build, build, build. he hasn't got long to write it. here we go. this might hurt. [ debris falling ] [ tires screech ] hammond: my truck had taken a wallop, but the distance covered was extremely short. this annoyed my colleagues.

i don't think that's fair. may: what? well, he had a huge structure that would have slowed him down, so therefore his stopping distance will have been less. so if my obstacle's very solid, i'll just stop immediately. well, exactly, and you'll win. you'll be killed, but you'll win. hammond: it hardly slowed me. rubbish. no, i needed some -- rubbish. i could feel it -- you were barely moving coming out of the other side of that. may: hoping for a more solid impact than hammond's, i began to roll. oh, my lord. i'm glad i'm not in his lorry, you know. here it comes. bracing, bracing... whoa! may: after the crash, my friends were deeply concerned.

he's woken up stuck in a lorry cab with five firemen. [ laughs ] [ laughs ] may: sadly, my lorry had traveled 40 yards further than the erf, even though i'd taken out 600 office water coolers. so there you go. if you were going to have a meeting in an office somewhere, i'm sorry, i've just spoiled it for you. here we go. so now only the mighty magnum could beat hammond. hammond: this isn't fair. that'll slow him much better than my stupid building. fourth. have we had lunch? right, bricks, slowing down there. here we go! whoa! whoa, god almighty!

ah! ah... ah! ah. the impact was a bit nasty. but, before seeking medical attention, there was some arguing to be done. hammond: you may have beat me there, and if you did, that's just because you had a better obstacle than i had. you had a brick wall, i had wooden walls... somebody start measuring this. i'll tell you -- i'm not -- promise you -- ow, this actually really hurts. [ cheers and applause ] may: see, how many lorries have crashed on that "strictly come dancing" show? clarkson: none. now, we should explain, the impact that i had there was pretty severe. my ankle burst where the clutch pedal went through it, my head was dislodged from my spine, and, really, we've ended up with a "top gear" top tip. if you are a lorryist and you are going to have an accident, there's a choice of something to hit, avoid anything with bricks in it. always swerve and go for the big pile of mineral water. yes, that's a safer bet.

anyway, look, we have done a scoreboard. it's all... it's hopeless, to be honest, and massively complicated, but the upshot of it is this. i got... 60 points, hammond, you got minus-25, and, jeremy, you got... a gear lever in his bottom. a gear lever in his bottom... and minus-3,560. why did i get that? you just did. whatever. we have proved -- we have proved that the scania p94d is the best truck in britain today. and next week we have more lorries on, in fact, because we've been to america to test some muscle cars. so, we'll see you then, unless, of course, you're all watching the sequined has-beens on the other side. take care, good night.

clarkson: on tonight's holiday program, we go to san francisco in california, we have a night out in reno, nevada, and we end up on the salt flats of bonneville. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. hello. hello and welcome.