i hope i get a discount. because i am disabled though. people often ask me why i want to put myself in a position where everyone can stare and laugh at me. the truth is that, it happens to me every day anyway. at least this way there is a scheduled time and place for it. of course. i do it because i want to be famous as well. i think everyone does it really. i started off in a disabled steps tribute band. we were called ramps. that was a bit of an uphill struggle. laughter. anyway, i think it's time to get the night started. are you ready to welcome your first act? yes! you can do better than that. i said, are you ready to welcome your first act? yes! even if that was

amazing, this is all preprogrammed. so, let's try once more. are you ready for your first act? yeah! please welcome to the stage, aaron simmons. applause. thanks very much, guys, i mean it's lovely to do a gig with lost voice guy again, not seen him since the ramps days. it's a real tragedy. hello, i'm aaron and we're going to talk about a lot of important issues tonight and i'm going to do the same. i'm mainly going to talk about harry potter. do we have any harry potter fans in? 0k, great, so some of you may know that in harry potter, all the wizards they called

non wizards muggles, right? but what you may not know however is that disabled people do that with non—disabled people as well. we call able bodied people incredibly patronizing. every time i am on a train, someone offers me a seat. applause. i'll give you another example, what is your name, lovely lady? jane, can ask you to easyjane? yeah. 0k, first, have you ever been on an escalator? yes. of course you have, everybody has. answer me this. last time you are on an escalator, jane, did anybody clap? laughter. they do with me. and...

i was running a little bit late tonight, jane, right? so i was pushing as fast as i can down the royal mile and some guy came up with the most original line i've ever heard. and he went, slow down mate or you'll get a speeding ticket. laughter. so i ran him over... applause. please don't clap, it reminds me of going up escalators. i think the time where i felt most patronized, was when i went out to the cinema with my girlfriend. what happened was we went inside and the girl who worked there said would you like any snacks with your movie. and i said yeah, i'll have some skittles please. and she looked at me, and then she looked at my girlfriend and went, is he allowed skittles? laughter. in case you guys are wondering, that night i was allowed skittles. it was great. she went and got them for me

and then she turned to my girlfriend and said i would you like, mum? 0k... i will be honest, i found the funnier than you guys did. laughter. my girlfriend, not so much, but we pay for everything and we went inside and we came out of the cinema and the same girl is just cleaning up and she sees me going towards the exit. so she goes to open the door for me. now, usually that's not a patronizing thing. it is if it's an automatic door. that is the most patronized i've everfiled because i might be half machine, but i'm not a ghost. and so... laughter. so i wanted to do something to get back at this girl. so what i did was i got my girlfriend and i brought her nice

and close to me and then i started making out with her. what happened is after half a minute i passionately kissing my girlfriend, i then said i know it's wrong, but i can't help any longer, mummy. laughter. but what made it even better is my girlfriend straightaway went, well, you're a far better kisser than your dad. laughter. applause. i love being with my girlfriend, it's way better than being single. i was terrible at being single i hated dating i once went on a date with an american girl and we went to the restaurant and just when we went and she said would you like a drink. isaid no, i'm driving my car, and she said how does that work? now, the answer to that is

i have a lever on the side of my steering wheel tight control of my right hand. but that is not what i told the girl. laughter. i told her that my car was voice activated. laughter. she wanted to see this, so i said i'd give her a lift home and so what happened is i got in the car and i said go and the car began to move and she went, oh, my god, this is amazing! because she was very shy and... then i shouted stop and i slammed on the break as she went oh my god, this is the best thing ever, can i get this in my car? and i thought, no. i don't even have this in my car. but we carried on for a little while and then she said, can i try?

no. is what i should've said. but i said, why not? i'll give you two reasons why not. one, i think we've established that this is not how my car works. and two, even if it was, if i gave her control of my car as she crashed, i could add note in a wheelchair... but i said sure why not all you need to do is say the word go. so she went, though? and to this day, i still do not know what made me say the following sentence. oh, the car doesn't understand your american accent. i made it into an english accent, guys, right?

she went, though? i let go of the break and she went absolutely bonkers. having the time of her life is, she's loving it, but i said to feel really guilty. so i decided by the time we get to her flat i have to show her where the lever is. and as i get to herflat that's exactly what i do. and she said i completely believe you, because my front door is voice—activated. tell you what, i'm going to go inside and slip into something more comfortable and you just go up to the front door and say open. i learned a very valuable lesson that day, guys... there is nothing so sad as a guide in a wheelchair shouting open.

in an american accent. guys, you've been lovely, enjoy the rest of your night. applause. let's hear once again from the brilliant aaron simmons. applause. laughter. please welcome your next storyteller for the evening, fran. applause. yeah, my name is fran i'm from new zealand and the reason i'm here tonight is because i am a space cadet. you guys know what that means right? yup and i'm sure you all know someone who is a space cadet bears

super dreamy and head is in the clouds and constantly late. there's advantages to knowing us. like for example, i am so good at picking out the perfect birthday present for my friends, and they will get it two months after their birthday because i have forgotten it but it's a nice surprise for both of us, if my friends are running late never be mad at them because i'm almost always late as well. it takes a lot of pressure off of me when they are late. but yes, being a space cadet does not sound like a disability, but there are disadvantages, me personally i struggled to university because secondary school is just a breeze for me because it was so structured and had my parents and teachers kicking me tell me to when to go to school and went to eat when to come home and went to sleep. university is not like that. you are meant to be disciplined and self motivated and meant to read what they tell you to read and show up on time to lecture and listen for an hour.

i could not do that. i'm not self disciplined, i had no control, things were not going well for me. i would miss my lectures because i was up late, i never submit essays forgot my password to my count, and i would forget to wash my clothes and when i remember, because i walk around smelling like an old socket was a dark time. at university i was that they put me on academic probation and told me to get my act together, no one really knew how to help me and i really did not know what was wrong either. but, that was my life circa 2015. and then my friend from primary school came to visit me and she was a space cadet as well or used to be, she betrayed me by going to university and wearing leisure wear and getting good grades. i was really pissed off at her really. but she came to my disgusting flat and she came into my room

which was like just like piles of pizza boxes and dirty clothes just everywhere and we started getting drunk so it was fine. about five drinks in, and anna starts rummaging around her bag and she pulls out this little tray of pills. and i go, what's that? she goes my god, this guy at my door and me some take them if you need to pull an all nighter there amazing but he taken for going out they give you a huge boost of energy and it's incredible, want one? so, yeah, drugs are illegal don't do them this is horrible, this is a terrible thing to do. but, i was in a very, very, very bad place, i was on academic probation, i also had an essay due the next morning, but i did not start or intend to start, and academic probation once that's up you're expelled, so i kind of made my peace with that, i was going to be expelled, do not want to think about that, cited the bill.

we walked down the road to a nightclub called boogie nights in wellington, where i am from, we started getting on, started grinding. and i'm just like in the clouds, dancing away, not thinking about anything and i'm waiting for this thing for something to happen. and then suddenly it happened. and i was down on earth and it's hard to describe, basically my mind is always like smeared across the sky and any available surface and suddenly it had been picked up gathered out the size and handed to me in a nightclub act 1am and i do not know what to do. i knew something was up because i noticed little details that i never ever noticed, there's a guy across from me and i was like he's wearing running shoes and a nightclub,

who does that and he was wearing a tie with birds on it, and his nose, i looked deeply into his nose. i was like what's happening to me why am i was like what's happening to me whyaml i was like what's happening to me why am i doing, and this disgusting place. i looked over at my friend who was having that great time, and i would is working for you and she does what, i don't think it's working for me and normally i lose minutes or hoursjust working for me and normally i lose minutes or hours just drifting away, and suddenly time was going slowly. idid not and suddenly time was going slowly. i did not wanted to go slowly i wanted to be having fun. so for the first time, and my young life, i made a sensible decision and i put my friend in a taxi and i walked home and i went to my room and saw just how disgusting it was for the first time in detail, sol just how disgusting it was for the first time in detail, so i picked everything up through it out and all my clothing, put it in the wash and i sat down started and completed and

submitted my essay and effectively saved my academic career. micro one applause. the sun rose and i needed to know what i took so i googled it, does anyone know what ritter led is? —— ritalin. it's a driver adhd, does anyone know what ritter led is? —— ritalin. it's a driveradhd, and what i experienced at the cloud was something i had never experienced before in my life, it was something i desperately needed, it was focus. laughter. saar went to the doctor and he diagnosed me with type two adhd which is predominately inattentive not hyperactive and lots of women are underdiagnosed for that when it —— for everything, because like the quiet and struggling in silence not making lots of noise, i ended up graduating with the help of my disability adviser i have a job

i'iow my disability adviser i have a job now which i love, and i have a routine, which is something i would never ever be capable of doing, i can get up and go to work and i can come home and wash my clothing and dry and cut —— cooked dinner. if you are really relating to this story, you might want to go to the doctor, do not take up tell your friend from primary school gave you. it's a legal and it's bad and it's more than that, it's dangerous could've ended bad for me but thank god he did not because without my diagnosis i don't know where i would be and i am still a space cadet, maybe even more so now because i am still a space cadet, maybe even more so now because i take a pill wrapped in foil once a day and this time its prescription. you. applause. that was the wonderful fran. let's keep the stories coming, let me introduce your next storyteller. jessica. applause.

hello. i'm jessica, i storyteller. jessica. applause. hello. i'mjessica, i have a speech impediment. so she's going to tell my story. hello there, i'm a floppy haired university dropout sol my story. hello there, i'm a floppy haired university dropout so i also have a body that does not work with as the average joe's, i'm just, i sit down a lot and that we'll plan intended. but unfortunately this is not a lazy cyborg, although a man when asked if i was a transformer so maybe i am an android than i thought, but that's that story for another time. thought, but that's that story for anothertime. i thought, but that's that story for another time. i have thought, but that's that story for anothertime. i have a muscle wasting condition called spinal muscular atrophy. it is a genetic

condition which basically means my parents are probably related. laughter. because of my lack of muscle, my arms and legs are slightly fatter and not much longer thana slightly fatter and not much longer than a french fry. i can guarantee i'm not much longer than a subway sandwich and being sitting in my chair makes the shorter, my head funnily enough is the only normal size of my body. i basically have a similar cacique to that of a charlie brown and had control of a bobble head, you should see me going in the car. laughter. another thing head, you should see me going in the car. laughter. anotherthing is my muscles in myjob likely for anyone who spends a lot of time with me, means i cannot talk for long without my voice becoming indistinguishable umbel, hence the voice. amis explained how wide it is for me to go out. whilst i was at university,

my residence was off the busiest road in manchester, with there being so road in manchester, with there being so close the idea changing at the pyjamas that i could pass is clothing was at the very bottom of my list. there was no time before my next scheduled nap anyway, and besides, as disabled gals do not dress to impress. i set out from the train station five minutes away, into my ride i received more and more empathetic smiles. now, i'm not adverse to the odd stare, and whenever i'm in public is pretty much a guarantee that several people will make it completely obvious that they've never seen a cartoon character in a wheelchair before. but on this particular day, the numberof but on this particular day, the number of people who is looking increased i came to the conclusion it's a, i was looking extra sexy. or be, looking extra disabled. i'm

surprised —— surprisingly enough it was the latter but not the reason you got. after passing a large group of homeless people that set up camp under the bridge, it of homeless people that set up camp underthe bridge, it became of homeless people that set up camp under the bridge, it became apparent the looks came from were a single very polite comment from one of the man. oh my gosh she's got her kicked out. due to a crooked spine, my whole breast fell out of the opening of my best and my heart that arms we re of my best and my heart that arms were not bad enough to hide it nor striving to solve the issue. so i took an executive decision, to continue on hoping i can manoeuvre close enough for two buildings along the pavement to hide my nipple, and growing embarrassment. as i approach the next crossing acai questioning the next crossing acai questioning the street would ever become quiet enough to cross without being noticed. it would not. but, before i

built up the courage to peel myself from the wall i was approached by woman i passed earlier under the bridge. she was carrying a bunch of cigarette ends, and evidently not the most hygienic. david, your breast is out, i do not let her finish. bearing in mind pneumonia preys on this, it's our kryptonite, we go through sterilizing training for the first time in my life antibacterial was not my first thought. like you had been for every encounter before. the cigarette lady popped encounter before. the cigarette lady popped me back and and and i am still internally grateful. although not enough to engage in further conversation. on my way back i crossed further interaction, but to my surprise, it's pretty difficult to go undercover when you're writing a hefty metal machine. i got a very

enthusiastic way from the opposite side, a roar of elation, that's the breast girl. i've avoided that bunch ever since. the ink you very much. you've been amazing. applause. ladies and gentlemen you been absolutely brilliant. and even if you haven't, i can't really change what i say at this point will stop please give a big hat it to all the storytellers you've heard it tonight. applause. that's it for now but we will be back with more stories on bbc ouch storytelling life. they give very much and a good

night. applause. hello. mixed fortunes in the weather this weekend, as we will see in a moment, but it will be warming up for some of us by sunday. and, in fact, into next week, the late summer warmth will be fighting back as some temperatures head towards the mid—20s, but not for everyone, as we will discover. let's take a look at the weekend weather. on the big picture, we start off with this for saturday. fronts coming in from the atlantic which means there will be rain for some of us. right now, it looks like it is targeting wales, parts of northern england, the midlands, and then across to the eastern side of england on through the day. avoiding southernmost

counties of england, there may even be some sunny spells here, avoiding most of northern ireland, although the far south—east may get it first thing, and, indeed, much of scotland, although, early on a bit of patchy rain in the far south—west and north—east. but here, there will be some sunny spells into the afternoon, and bar the odd shower, most will be dry. temperatures across the uk mostly in the range of around 15 to 18 celsius. it will be a mild night on saturday night. on sunday morning, still some weather fronts close by, so still some outbreak of rain, particularly into parts of wales, northern england and scotland. but actually things start to clear up a bit into sunday afternoon. we will continue with the feed of showers towards north—west scotland all day, and by the end of the day, it is getting quite windy. elsewhere, look at this, more of the land showing up, that means more sunshine and it will feel a bit warmer, particularly towards the south, south—east of the uk. but even into parts of north—east england, east yorkshire, lincolnshire getting into the low 20s in some spots. now, we take a bit of a break between weather systems on monday, though it is quite windy and wet

in northern scotland. elsewhere, we are going to see some sunny spells and a bright, breezy day, and most will be dry. though, more of the north and west of the uk in the day will get increasing cloud. there is still going to be a bit of warmth to be had on monday as temperatures again peek into the low 20s in some spots. this is a sign of things to come, though, as we look at the picture for tuesday. more atlantic fronts coming in so that means if you are underneath one of these, you are going to see some outbreak of rain. this far out, some uncertainty about where that is going to be sitting, but somewhere probably through england and wales. there will be a cloudy and a wet zone. that may well be affecting northern ireland, much of scotland. the further north you are, seeing some sunny spells and some very warm sunny spells towards east anglia and south—east england. and, so, three zones of weather next week. we have this weather front with us for much of the week. north of it, you may see some sunny spells, you are cool and fresh. along it, it is cloudy and damp and not particularly warm. to the south of it, though,

there is some warmth to be had, particularly across parts of southern england, at times south wales, and into east anglia. look at the colours here. we are seeing those temperatures into the low and, at times, mid 20s. but you will be quite cool in northern scotland. you are in the blue here. but, then again, you may get to see some sunny spells because you are along the weather front, you are not in the cloudy and wet zones. so three zones of weather next week. and growing confidence that is how things are going to play out for much of the week. i have been talking about these developing tropical weather systems. here is onejust coming off the coast of west africa. here is another. here's hurricane florence in the atlantic. we have been talking about the uncertainty in the forecast caused by these. things are looking a bit clearer next week because the first of these looks like it is going to move right across the usa rather than come across the atlantic and weaken and head towards us. but, of course, we will keep an eye on that. that is your latest weather for the week ahead. ba could face a fine of hundreds of millions of pounds for the huge

data breach which has affected thousands of customers. the airline has apologised for the hack of personal and financial details, and says customers will be compensated, but some say they struggled to get information. it was really annoying, trying to find a way of contacting british airways to see if all my cards had been compromised. we'll find out what this means for the airline and its customers. also tonight: no—fault divorces could be introduced in england and wales — ministers say they want to reduce the animosity when married couples separate. former president barack obama calls for the restoration of honesty and decency in the us government — in an outspoken attack