me to move. i will be honest, asked me to move. i will be honest, idid not asked me to move. i will be honest, i did not realise i'd be playing disabled top trumps when i got on. needless to say i didn't move. who ca res if needless to say i didn't move. who cares if he was both blind and deaf? i was there first. it was very awkward. he couldn't see that i was still there and i couldn't tell him i wasn't moving because i can't speak. he wouldn't have heard me anyway. in the end, i had to throw his guide dog a stick. laughter ididn't mean his guide dog a stick. laughter i didn't mean for them to end up under the train. are you ready to welcome your first ask? yes! please

welcome your first ask? yes! please welcome to the stage philip henry. applause hello. 0k, hello. ok, let's face it. there's nothing sexy about diarrhoea, is there? and as that is the main out early symptom of crohn's disease,... if you can imagine someone slipping a high—power laxative at some point every day and you and idea what was going to go off, that's what it is like living with crohn's disease. and that's what it is so hard. have you ever try to be romantic shot a adore? it's not easy. i decided to give dating another try. i want to tell you how that went. before the dark times, before the corona wars

began, i clocked... she was single. i asked her out on a date and she said yes. numbers were exchanged. a place was a dream. time and it was set. i figured place was a dream. time and it was set. ifigured all place was a dream. time and it was set. i figured all i really needed was one good date. that would be to a second and hopefully a third. three dates was the time to drop the crohn's bombshell, because up to two days, you can bail but after you of have to have a good reason. i figured no woman would be crass and if this is because you have a chronic illness and i think it would bea chronic illness and i think it would be a real drag. you think might be would be complicit in this nefarious plan, but no, it was not to give me three trouble—free dates. it wasn't even going to be one trouble—free dates. i walked even going to be one trouble—free dates. iwalked in even going to be one trouble—free dates. i walked in and i saw her there. she did not seem yes, but she

looked really good. i could tell she made an effort. she wanted this to work as much as i needed the toilet. soi work as much as i needed the toilet. so i bolted. and i made it to the cubicle with not seconds to spare. i finally got off the toilet and left the cubicle. and i saw these two lads down at the sink kind of daring each other to dig an ecstasy pill, so each other to dig an ecstasy pill, soi each other to dig an ecstasy pill, so i walked up to them, took and imodium. third one tonight you guys! so after that, i went out and after cursing the taxi driver making him look like, i had some disability and made dinner. i had the steak and chips. i was hoping it would settle my stomach which was alternately a washing machine. we talked during dinner, and she was lovely. she

laughed at my jokes dinner, and she was lovely. she laughed at myjokes and even the really crabby ones. so this is going great. and there was a band going across the street and we decided to go over and it was a lovely night. we took our time and i put my arm around her waist as we walked and she put her head on my shoulder. i thought, for one second, iforgot... we watched the van for a while and thenit we watched the van for a while and then it started. just the odd little twinge at first but i knew that foreshadowed something like a fire hose being shut down the toilet. my stomach was like the engine room of the enterprise and i could hear scotty saying "the warped court is going to break, captain! i can't stop it!" so i scanned the pub for the toilet and i saw them at the far side. it was only a journey of a few seconds at maximum warp. so if i

left now, but then something i was not expected to happen. she made the move. right. when i'd been trying to save the federation's flagship, her hand had been edging across the bench we were sitting on towards mine. and had reached it now. she put her hand on top of mind and interlock your fingers. she gave me a nice little grip. and i turned to her and she smiled at me. i thought, that the most thing does happen to me in years! and i wanted to tell her that. and so much more, i wanted to reciprocate but instead, i said," i think to reciprocate but instead, i said," ithinkl to reciprocate but instead, i said," i think i see someone i know. back ina minute!" i think i see someone i know. back in a minute!" and with that, i ran into the toilets. as i sat there in the cubicle, i stomach sank a way that had nothing to do with crohn's disease. when i went got back to the bench, her cans were folded over. the conversation was plagued the drive. i had embarrassed her. she

had made the move and she thought i had made the move and she thought i had rejected her. there was only one thing to do. lidia, i did not duck into the toilet because of you, the truth is, i just into the toilet because of you, the truth is, ijust am a crazy ex. if you saw us truth is, ijust am a crazy ex. if you saw us together, —— ijust saw my crazy ex, and if she saw us together, she would have gone mental. it was pathetic. and it was the most transparent the obvious lie i ever told. and she bought it! applause 20 minutes later, we're in the back of taxi, snogging the way back to her flat. i fell asleep that night having come in content and with no more emergencies reported by scotty. and down in the morning came. mornings have always been the worst

time for me. it's always been desperate to get to the bathroom in time. so when i looked around her strange bedroom i did not even aware the doctor must. i knew i was in trouble. i looked at the space next to me in the bed. she was there. i pulled on my boxers and it ran out of the bedroom. i saw the shower... "will you be among? " ten or 15 minutes? are you joking? there is no way i can hold on for ten or 15 minutes. my sphincterwas way i can hold on for ten or 15 minutes. my sphincter was already at maximum punch intolerance. i looked around but it was too much to hope that this little fly had two bathrooms, so i ran up the hall looking for anything i do... a nice side. i considered it for a good seconds considering the logistics.

before considering the cat's litter tray was not a good idea. i ran into living room and i skated quickly. there were two large vases. let's call that plan b. the sweat was dripping off my four at this point andi dripping off my four at this point and i ran into the kitchen, and there i saw the incident my prayers. the kitchen bin. right? next to it on the counter was a roll of kitchen tissue. so with one deft move to my turn to put my boxers down and started running towards it. my security to the defeat by this point. the airlock was open the cargo was rushing towards open space. i had one shot at this. when lydia writes, rubbing her damp hair. she stopped at the threshold of the

kitchen. and her mouth dropped open when she was seeing. "you made me brea kfast! " when she was seeing. "you made me breakfast!" i when she was seeing. "you made me breakfast! " i noted when she was seeing. "you made me breakfast!" i noted and ushered her towards the table and the mug of tea... as she sat down to shoot up at me shaking head and said i can't believe you did this. and i said, i also emptied your bin. applause thank you very much! that was philip henry. please welcome to the stage your next storyteller, lucy. applause hello. my story is about my experience with going to a wedding as bridesmaid for 70 miles away when

i was as bridesmaid for 70 miles away when iwas in as bridesmaid for 70 miles away when i was in agoura folded. —— acrophobia. i had a very specific type which is that i had a fear of staying anywhere away from home. besides the usual stuff of what to where you might get off with, i had a couple of concerns preying on my mind. the thing with acrophobia is people think it'sjust mind. the thing with acrophobia is people think it's just you cannot leave the house at all. and i guess that's the kind of extreme and and what i started outwith. what happens for a lot of people with agoura phobia is you end up with a very specific situation or type of place you cannot go to. and for me, that was anywhere other than my flat, my mum's and my nan's. this wedding was in scotland. all the places i could say that was safe was london, you know, down south. this kind of ended up becoming my nemesis rather than the sort of event that it should be about which is the celebration of love. the thing is it

sort of takes over your rain with a different kind of logic. it is irrational and i can say that now because i have managed to stabilise it andi because i have managed to stabilise it and i does not lead to the end of the world. it's kinda like this fear creeps in that if you stay somewhere that does not seem you're going to be trapped and then you can have a panic attack and then probably another one and then it'sjust to get worse, and that even the slightest thought of staying somewhere, you think, "there is a slight chance i might be trapped in the late if i go there and the knight bus has a problem, what am i going to do? " after a while, because you're not going anywhere, you just can't do it. for this wedding, i was a bit stuck. my friend and not, whose wedding it was, isa friend and not, whose wedding it was, is a lovely person. she said it's going to be a white wedding and is going to be in worldperks sheer -- rural is going to be in worldperks sheer —— rural perthshire. ..

is going to be in worldperks sheer —— rural perthshire... i noticed there was a 14 hour coach from monday to —— dundee to london. as long as i do nothing for 20 hours, i can be bridesmaid and i stay anywhere. you think this would of come me down a bit of the way it works is your rainjust kicks in with a new set of worries, and so on the day, i found myself thinking about what if it actually doesn't turn up? this coach might be wrong. is might be that it does not run. if you've got a fear of being trapped, when you're standing in from hundreds of people, a bit like now, there is nowhere else you can go. and i thought, i cannot sort of freak out and not least because i'm supposed becoming the bright down. but then i spotted a field of sheep. then i thought, concentrate on the sheep. they look really peaceful and lovely. and all the photographs in the ceremony, i look quite relaxed and romantically wistful. after that

i thought, i've survived that said that's fine. i can do a countdown to when i can leave. so i experienced the rest of the wedding as a kind of time points when i could think, two hours and counting, hour and a half, andi hours and counting, hour and a half, and i gutted the champagne of that stuff. i started putting together my kit. it got to the point where we we re kit. it got to the point where we were going for the meal coming this is normally where weddings really slow up and you get lovely speeches. this the bit where i relaxed. i noticed people were quite nice and it was like, this wedding business is not all bad, is it? because the food was tasty and the tables look beautiful and the bride looks nice. i thought, it's actually quite sad that i can't stay. i had this moment where ijust that i can't stay. i had this moment where i just thought, that i can't stay. i had this moment where ijust thought, i would love to be able to do stage when this stuff. i can see they're gonna a great time. but that was not enough to override the bit of my rain... so

i still left. and i got my coat and i thought, excellent! i still left. and i got my coat and ithought, excellent! is i still left. and i got my coat and i thought, excellent! is the way to do it! this is brilliant! i sat on the coach thinking i managed it. i did it. and about at four in the morning, i was taking a clap service station, like the last of the stinky paste and you have to pick something to eat. i thought, i've paste and you have to pick something to eat. ithought, i've been paste and you have to pick something to eat. i thought, i've been on a bus for eight hours, i'm in a horrible place and i still feel lucky. there might be something slightly wrong with my reasoning. and that was the first point where a thought, maybe this phobia thing is notjust a way thought, maybe this phobia thing is not just a way of dealing with this panic. 0r there something a bit off. and i wish that was the moment where i corrected and done travelling the world in my life had suddenly been changed. it was not. it took me three more years before i managed one night away at with my mum, and i still booked a secret flight the

next day because i did not think i could do the second night and i thought the first was a fluke because i was not ill. the main thing is although doing it that way, i wouldn't recommend it as a way to do weddings, i was probably the worst bridesmaid in the history of ever. but he did meet enough to... go out. it's very much. —— thanks very much. ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it once more for the wonderful lucy! now your final of the evening, a brilliant comedian who i know very well and always loved working with, she took my ipad off me earlier and i did herself. please welcome laura. applause hello. what a beautiful night. thank

you so much for coming and for having me here. i suffer from depression. and generalised anxiety disorder and trying to be a comedian. we can chat later. i had a very specific and happened to me. i used to be the happiest person you'll ever meet and then a few years ago, but what if a husband and i decided to start trying for a baby. i love my husband more than anything and i love babies more than anything, sol anything and i love babies more than anything, so i thought this would work. we will get our wet bits together and make a video varane. that's a fun way to do it. —— make a baby andi that's a fun way to do it. —— make a baby and i will be fun. we found out that my husband cannot have children because of my personality. if you are making a noise now, you're going to be in trouble by the end of the show. i got depression instead of a baby. it turns out depression in children ina baby. it turns out depression in children in a very similar things. all my friends about kids now. i've

got a 22—month—old depression and you cannot tell me apart from a new mum friends. we're all very tired, none of us are fun at parties. st patrick's day area, though. i named my depression. i thought when life hands you lemons, all my friends with flesh babies have named this, what shall we call the missouri foetus? it's quite hard though. what call a all of us such as —— a ball of obsessive thoughts? they name their kids after it was conceived so i... isis for short. figured it works. nate depression after a terrorist cell because that's what it is, hard to pin down, under major

hope and the future and articles about it in the tablets tend to be dangerously misguided. it's a funny life, being depressed. i see a therapist. i decided be quite open about it. secondly i'm on my second service because my first one that signed off with stress. i think it means i want. —— i one. i take antidepressants, and this is a contentious subject, isn't it? people don't tend to talk about. i did not talk about it for a long time. iwas did not talk about it for a long time. i was actually petrified of people knew i was on antidepressants that it would kill my career. i'm a self—employed stand up comedian. he wants a sad clown? i think people are weird about antidepressants. they want them to be perfect but what curious? have you ever met anybody who has a broken leg and wears a casper four days and —— and

after four days, they ta ken wears a casper four days and —— and after four days, they taken off and say, you know what? that is making it hard to walk. i could not do anything that i thought might increase the environmental impact of my life and i started out being a very normal environmental he aware person and send to a point i cannot do anything if i thought it would hurt the environment. as i got better, i had to let to go out in the first —— i had to learn to god again. the first place i went was a soap shop. is the first place you can smell when you go to the town. i thought here we go, i can do this. the next place i tried was a department store. department stores are nerve—racking department store. department stores are nerve— racking whether you department store. department stores are nerve—racking whether you are me or not. they are a lot more intimidating and especially the cosmetics department. i set myself the task of buying a small part of makeup removing soap. i had this soap makeup removing soap. i had this soap are makeup removing soap. i had this soap are for. i thought to how hard can this be? i was ready for the

interaction. i'm ready for the stupid questions. because salespeople try and make you feel insecure, don't they? i'm ready for it. i woke up to the counter... she starts with the stupid questions. the first one is, what is your skin regime currently like? i don't have a skin regime. skin regimes, to me, are like recipes with more of an eight —— more than 80 ingredients. you read about them in magazines but you're never actually going to do them, are you? regime is on a positive word. i don't want a military takeover of my face, thank you very much. she says, what your skin regime like? i'm to their looking at her and i can feel isis kicking off. this is why new mums don't get out of the house very often. he's going to humiliate me in a department store. i can feel him kicking off and i wish i wasjust

me,| kicking off and i wish i wasjust me, i wish i was the me that i think is capable of so much. i wish i was material because if i was this me all the time, i would occur in the and go, listen my love, i do not have a skin regime. i only really started taking my makeup off before bed when i bought white pillowcases. ican. bed when i bought white pillowcases. i can. obviously she is not done. just more questions. she raises her eye brows just more questions. she raises her eyebrows at me, and by i raqqa drawing of an eyebrow. does your fiscal ash skin felt i? ifi if i was still laura, i would say, my skin does not show tight. my skin is the one thing i wear everyday i

wish i did not buy a size bigger. my skin has always had my back. itjust expand production to suit the doughnuts i've had. it's excellent. leave it alone. i cannot do that you have not got that and i'm shaking. the chills are kicking in and i'm thinking, maybe i should not have even tried to do this. it is to be to try it. i say, sorry, i'm in a hurry. and i think she's going to give me the sub. she stops and read it as if she's a pharmacist or something. she reads the box and she says, what skin type do you have? i do know the answer to this. i'm exhausted. stood there so humiliated. thinking, i don't know, a negative? it's been a while since i donated. i don't know. can i please have the sub? and i have not got anything and isis is in full meltdown mode and i'm humiliated. i

don't have anything. i'm just sitting here thinking, how can i get out of this? she asked me the question again thinking she's being professional. she says to me, sorry, what kind of skin type do you have? isaid, i've what kind of skin type do you have? i said, i've always been white. it is not the right answer to that question. i did not buy this soap, i just had to realise is out of the shop. ijust die, i will buy pillowcases with a clown face on it and it will stay on. thank you very much. —— i just and it will stay on. thank you very much. —— ijust thought, iwill and it will stay on. thank you very much. —— ijust thought, i will buy. applause let's hear it again for the amazing laura. applause this was ubc ouch, storytelling life.

-- bbc —— bbc ouch. please give a big hand for all the storytellers you've heard. i've been lost voice guy. thank you very much and good night. hello there. us weather forecasters have been keeping a close eye on several typhoons and hurricanes in both the pacific and the atlantic over recent days. closer to home, our weather is pretty quiet, in fact, during the course of the weekend, but we are likely to see the remnants of an ex—hurricane, helene, affecting our weather into next week. so for the here and now then. saturday morning, dawn's on a dry note for much of the country. a few showers across parts of northern england, and later in the day,

a little bit of rain works in to parts of northern ireland too. its southern and eastern areas that keep the sunshine the longest, clouding over from the west, but all in all, a pretty decent looking autumnal day. temperatures up to 21 in the south. typically the mid to the high teens further north. and then as we head into the second half of the weekend, this frontal system slips its way further south across the country. so it will be clearing from scotland and for northern ireland. a return to sunshine and a few showers here. but the bulk of the rain on sunday will be sitting across parts of northern england into wales, perhaps the far southwest of england, too. much of southern and southeastern england stays pretty warm and dry, with temperatures up to around 23 celsius. cooler in the worthwest with that mix of sunshine cooler in the northwest with that mix of sunshine and blustery showers. now, heading through sunday night and into monday, we're between weather systems. cast your eye down towards the southwest. this deep area of low pressure. that is the remnants of that ex—hurricane. that'll be more of a player monday night into tuesday. there will be some heavy showers during the day on monday. across some northern and western parts of the british isles.

meanwhile, towards the south and southeast, again, pretty warm. temperatures up to around 24 degrees. bit of a breeze starting to pick up on monday, and then it could turn particularly windy monday night into tuesday. the remnants of ex—hurricane helene. it won't be producing hurricane force winds by any means, but it will be a breezy sort of day, particularly windy, i think, in the north and west. some spells of heavy rain on tuesday working their way northwards, but it looks more likely that in the south and east once again, you should stay predominantly dry. and look at those temperatures! 26 degrees or so during the day on tuesday. but of course, those temperatures will be tempered by the strength of the wind. we could see gusts in excess of around 40 mph in the windiest spots. a pretty blustery day on tuesday. really wherever you are. now moving into the middle part of the week, and the ex—hurricane, the remnants of it push off towards the north. we still got quite a deep area of low pressure sitting up to the northwest of the uk. another weather front then tries to move across through wednesday, so that could well bring us some

fairly persistent and heavy rain during wednesday across northern ireland, scotland, probably slipping a little bit further south into northern parts of england as well. the southeast at this stage, again, looks to be staying mostly dry and settled, but there will be some uncertainty about the detail at this stage. we have got that cold front initially for the middle part of next week. once that a delay, a kink in thejet next week. once that a delay, a kink in the jet stream drives weather systems through. but later next week, the guest room changes position. a ridge in thejet stream sta rts position. a ridge in thejet stream starts to build in, and i would change things, along some warmer air through once again. and allowing high pressure to go across the country. quite a bit of high—pressure late next week. still richer down for the south that could well move its way a little further north into parts the uk. through the course of next week then, things are going to be warming up after that very wet and windy start. you'll turn drier and brighter there in the week. bye—bye. hurricane florence hits

the east coast of america, leaving four people dead, including a child. winds of 90 miles an hour have brought down trees and pylons. more than 700,000 homes and businesses are without power. bunn one of the storm might have passed over the carolinas but hurricane florence is continuing to bring driving wind and rain. also on tonight's programme... the inquests into the westminster terrorist attack hear of the desperate attempts to save the life of pc keith palmer. donald trump's former campaign manager paul manafort agrees to co—operate with the investigation into possible russian collusion in the presidential election. prison staff walk out across england and wales, in protest at what they say are unprecedented levels of violence.