you're stuck. you're stuck with yourself in the living room, on the sofa, what are you going to do? i said, i don't know what i'm going to do, frankly. he said, no, you are going to write your memoir! and you did what you were told. idid. and you called it all about me. it is all about me. and it is a good title. it starts in brooklyn. i remember asking you about brooklyn and whether there were anyjews in brooklyn. and i said, "nothing butjews in brooklyn!" was there something special about being jewish in brooklyn at the time in new york? no, everybody was! every single human being in brooklyn was a jew at that point, so there was nothing special about it. it is quite ordinary, an ordinary thing to be. i went to manhattan and met all of these gentiles and it was frightening. i thought, my god, there are other people besidesjews in the world?

your mother comes out as a bit of a heroine, you call her a heroine. yes, she absolutely is. she lost her husband, my father, when i was only two years old and she had to raise four boys. she had to dress them, feed them and get them to school and make beds and she worked a 20—hour day. she got up at six and she went to bed at midnight and someone in the family told me that she thought she would have a fourth child in the hopes that it would be a girl. she wanted a girl. and then she said, all right, another boy, i'll take it, we'll see what we can do. she said to the doctor, i don't want him. would you like him? the doctor said, no, and asked around the building. and everyone came to look and said, nicely, no. so my mother kept me and she has been happy ever since because i am the one — not irving, not lenny,

not bernie, but melvin — is the one that sends her the $16.93 a month, they don't send her the cheque. i send her the cheque. in the interview later, say it is $116, all right? promise? 0k. # you must have been a beautiful baby, you must have been a wonderful # child, when you are only starting to go to kindergarten, # i bet you drove the other kids wild. # and when it came to winning blue ribbons, # i bet you showed the other kids how, # i can see thejudges�* eyes as they handed you the prize, # you must have made the cutest bow, oh, you must have been a beautiful # baby, because, baby, look at you now. ..# we were like pups in a cardboard box, you know, four boys, we never had money for anything. you talk about going to woolworths. the local woolworths, which was known as the five and 10

store because a lot of items were actually sold forfive or 10 cents, we'd often walk up and down the aisles and when the clerks weren't looking, we try to snatch something. not clerks, clarks. we never called it stealing, but we called it taking. taking, it was a softer, nicer word. let's go taking. let's go taking, correct. and one sunday afternoon, i tempted fate. there in a special display of roy rogers t—shirts was a pearl—handled toy replica of a roy rogers six shooter. it was the most thrilling thing i had ever seen. yeah. i picked it up, i was nearly out the door when hands grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and pulled me back into the store. "a great big man announced, i'm the manager and i'm sick "and tired of you kids stealing. in a blinding flash, an idea popped into my head, i reached into my sweater, pulled out the toy gun and shouted "get back or i'll blow your head off."

"get back or i'll blow your head off" — with this toy gun! and he jumped back. and when hejumped back, i saw my escape route and fled from the five and 10 and never went back there again for fear that i would be recognised. oh, it was great. i mean, it was called fast thinking. i actually started my career in music at five. at five! everybody in my building work in the garment centre, they worked nowhere else, and ifigured, iwould probably end up there too, but my uncle joe changed my life. one day, he said, how would you like to see a cole porter musical on broadway called anything goes? what an experience. when the show was over, i was screaming and my hands were just stinging from applauding so much, i said, unclejoe! i'm not going to go to the garment centre, i'm going to go into show business.

i want to do what they were doing on that stage! you're a miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar. don't you ever want to become a butterfly? don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory? you're going tojump on me. you're going tojump on me, - i know you are going tojump on me. after three days of filming, joe levine he turns to me and says, i'll give you another $25,000 if you get rid of that curly haired guy. he said, he's just funny looking, he is not... there is no leading man there. and i said, ok. he's out. you didn't? i said, he is gone. and that was a lesson — a great lesson for me, lying to the studio.

now, here is a very important moment for you. i know how much buddy rich meant to you and i know drumming is something that you are passionate about. he was the best drummer in the world, i thought. he was sensational. always kept the beat. i'm always at the centre of the beat. being a drummer at 1a gave me a great sense of tempo and rhythm, and that was incredibly important in comedy. yes.

and when the rim shot or when the joke reaches the peak, and how you explode it. you know, when i think about what you just said, about rhythm and pace, the timing and silences, i think of so many of those scenes that were imprinted on my brain and in my heart. i cannot ever forget the moment when i watched "springtime for hitler", in north london, where all thejews were, and then to see that shot of the audience stunned, staggered. staggered! they couldn't believe it. # springtime for hitler and germany # winter for poland and france # springtime for hitler and germany

# come on, germans, come into your dance... they were gobsmacked, they couldn't believe that such a thing could happen. i got many letters from many rabbis saying, "how dare you?" and my basic answer was, "you can't get on a soapbox with hitler, but you can make fun of him and you can reduce him to laughter and he can't win." well, talk about bad taste! # springtime for hitler and germany...# 0k, at 17 years old,

you were recruited, you go into the army. the second world war, in combat, you were there. you're in a high—risk... a lot of ducking, i can tell you. a lot of ducking. you were clearing up landmines and things. yes, i was in normandy and they taught us about booby—traps. "don't pull the chain, look in the water closet, see if there is water and not dynamite. pull the chain, you could go to heaven. teller mines — 45 degree angles with your bayonet, as soon as you hear, ting, tink, tink, yell, "sergeant!" it was big and it could disarm it and it could blow up a tank — so you could imagine what it would do to a jew from brooklyn. so anyway, when anything like that was captured, we would rush in and strip it of all kinds of booby—traps and minds.

——mines. that's quite... it's scary. it's a scary, tough job. and you've still got this ambition in you to be in show business. oh, yeah. your career in comedy started in the mountains. would you please bring a...? other people like to use the rowboat. i please bring in rowboat 101, that is the real- name of the rowboat — - is 11, that's a hole in the middle. you're sinking. you were a tumbler. yes, a pool tumbler. you wake up thejews around the pool who have... who have overeaten? they over—ate, you amuse the people, you will wake the people and i wore an alpaca coat in the derby and two cardboard suitcases filled with rocks or something and i go on the diving board and say,

"business is bad, i don't want to live!" and i would jump off the diving board, go to the bottom and they would all laugh like hell. and the lifeguard, who wasn't jewish, he could swim — arthur, he would laugh too, and i would look up from the bottom of the pool, i didn't want to let my suitcases go, and the coat was...you know? i didn't know if i'd ever get to the top of the pool again, and i would go,... and he would spot me and finally he would get me up, so it was a matter of keeping them amused. thejewish mountains, you went there, really, they went there, really, for the food. they went there to die, because the food was cholesterol, that's all it was. lunch would fill them up to hear, they would eat... speaks yiddish. all yiddish words for doughy substances filled with yeast

——cheeses, covered with creams, sometimes they would have lots of raw vegetables covered with one gallon of sour cream and they would eat that, then they would have sour cream on blintzes for lunch, for dessert, and that would be their lunch. and then ten gallons of hot tea and a glass of sour cream. and after that, they would sit and rock on the porch, they would rock. and this is the most dangerous thing a jew could do, the most dangerous thing a jew could do in the mountains was to sing "dancing in the dark". why? because they never understood the range of that song and would invariably start in the wrong key. if you are going to sing it "dancing in the dark", you have got to start very low because the song goes very high and manyjews would die of a stroke because they would start too high, thinking it was a normal place to start "dancing in the dark". so they would appear what would appear normal. # dancing in the dark... that doesn't sound too bad.

# we're dancing in the dark... # and we can face the music together! # dancing in the... # dancing in the daaaaaaaaark! and a stroke and they would die because they don't know how high that song goes. you have got to start like this. low: # dancing in the dark. # we are waltzing in the dark and it soon ends, and we can # face the music together, dancing, yes we are dancing in the dark. that was perfect early crosby. crosby, �*39. i feel good and i'm - happy and i'm delighted. delighted to be here on the hollywood palace. delighted to be alive. never mind anything else! when i wake up in the morning, i make a birthday cake. i make a cupcake one candle,

i'm glad go in and out. what has...? i have asked you this many times. i don't even remember this! but it's funny! i had my original toupee then. carl, that's amazing. carl was an insane organiser. he would organise, he came in one day with a tape recorder, it was actually a wire recorder. we were in a writers�* room and he came in and said, "sir, i understand you're 2,000 years old, someone told me. is that true?" and i said, "oh, boy..." and suddenly i was a 2,000—year—old man. he made me, he created me. we've talked about carl, and there are many others in your life and they are all in the book, but there is one meeting, and it shows your hutzpah, if i can use a jewish word, which is which is the stalking

of anne bancroft. 0h... i'm just looking at her picture. she is the most beautiful woman. she was the most amazing... when she came out and sang "i want to get married"... in the perry como show. that rehearsal. when i saw that and i said, "i'ave been looking for this all my life," i didn't know it existed until i saw it. when she finished, i screamed, "anne bancroft, i love you!" i screamed it out. she said, "who the hell are you?" i said, "you've never heard of me, i'm mel brooks." she said, "i've heard of you, i've got your record! i've got your record, it is great." i saw her backstage and we talked and i never stopped seeing her and talking to her for the next 45 years. every day was bliss. i've heard that you are married to the most beautiful woman in the world, is this true, mr brooks? no, i'm married to anne bancroft. applause.

ladies and gentlemen, my beautiful wife. they sing. # sweet georgie brown! you've got to remember that at that stage, you weren't earning much money. no, i was broke then. she was paying for most of it. yeah, the show was off the air and when i met her, i told her, "you don't want to be serious with me because i'm broke. i'm eating hot dogs for dinner. i have no money. you don't want to know me." she said, "i'll take a chance. i'll take a chance." they sing.

applause. you have a couple more... there is no more, i don't care. we have got to do... you are finished. we have got to do 0bama. we're not to make him president again! he served two terms. i want to read what he said about you. oh, you can read that. "we are here today to honour the very best of their fields. as mel brook once said to his writers on blazing saddles, which is a great film, �*write anything you want because we will never be heard from again.�* when he put the big beautiful medal around my neck, he said, �*to mel brooks, for a lifetime of making the world laugh'." unfortunately, many of the punch lines that have defined mel brooks's success cannot be repeated here.

i was telling him that i went to see blazing saddles when i was ten, and he pointed out that i think according to the ratings, i should not have been allowed in the theatre. bong! mumbling. what did he say? the sheriff is near. mumbling. hooray, hooray, hooray! i said, "look, when this movie opens, we will all go to prison, so let it all out, throw it

in the movie, and it in the movie," and it was inexorable taste. but its heart was in the right place and the engine that drove it, the locomotive underneath that movie was racial prejudice. yeah, he's a black guy, but he's a good guy and we knew we were on the right road. and you wrote it with richard pryor. i wrote it with richard, who used the n word, "0h, he scared the hell out of me. i said, richard, "too much n word!" he said, "no, we need it, the bad guys have to say that." i said, "ok, richard." and then you took the whole family in, there is a wonderful photograph. we took a wonderful photograph of the 0bamas and realised how short my family was, the 0bamas were like redwood trees next to us.

he said he warned me that he would catch me if i try to sell a medal on ebay. that's it. ok, that's it. we've talked for 2h hours. i know! have you given me a penny for all of this? no. not a cent. i don't mind, i love you, i do it forfun. the movie can be made, we've got to raise money to make the movie. the fees are not important. i'm interested in the adjusted gross. i want the gross after they are even dollar for dollar. what? who is it? 0h, all right, come in, come in. come in. what is it? i'm on the phone. i just wondered whether. .. we still haven't got this ending sorted out. they haven't. .. it's this guy, yentob, from the bbc. no, they can't get an ending for this idiot documentary they're doing with me. what the hell does he want from me? tell me the deal again. they want to give us $16,000 upfront for everything? and then what do we get if the picture's a hit? $1,100?

are you crazy? what? 0h, 0k, look, i have to do this documentary. i'll call you back. the knee has started, and has the old one ended, with some exceptionally mild air across the uk. n, , exceptionally mild air across the uk. ., , ., exceptionally mild air across the uk. , ., , exceptionally mild air across the uk. , ., ., exceptionally mild air across the uk. many of us have had the chance to see a bit — uk. many of us have had the chance to see a bit of _ uk. many of us have had the chance to see a bit of sunshine _ uk. many of us have had the chance to see a bit of sunshine this - uk. many of us have had the chance to see a bit of sunshine this new - to see a bit of sunshine this new year's day. that was a scene early on from a weather watcher injohn 0'groats. rest of the day remains mild, quite windy with rain for some, but not all of us, low pressure in charge at the moment, this is one of cloud on the earlier satellite picture, close to the centre of that, though, that as we

have some really strong and blustery winds, especially across parts of northern ireland and the far west of scotland. those winds still feed in mild air from the south, but we are looking at gas of the 60 miles an hour, maybe a bit stronger than that in the most exposed parts of western scotland, one band of rain coming across, showers into scotland and parts of northern ireland and top temperatures between 13—16 . this evening and tonight, the rain will cling on to the south—east, and then simply spells, then we see some more wet weather coming in across wales, the south—west, the midlands, northern england and some showery rain as well in northern ireland and western scotland. another mild night for most, little cooler it has been, especially across the northern half of the uk. tomorrow morning, this clump of heavy rain will clear away oestrus, then we get to see some spells of sunshine, then it some more wet weather will swing across the south—west and into wales, and for northern ireland and scotland, we will see some showers breaking out into the afternoon. top

temperatures of still above where they should be for the time of year, 9-13 . they should be for the time of year, 9—13 . into they should be for the time of year, 9—13. into monday, it is quite an unsettled looking day, one frontal system moves close to the south of the uk, certainly bringing some rain across the channel islands, integers and parts of england as well perhaps, and another system coming southwards across scotland and northern ireland, and behind that weather front, northern ireland, and behind that weatherfront, quite northern ireland, and behind that weather front, quite a significant change because the wind starts to come down from the north, so it will start feel quite a lot cooler, especially in another scandal because can see some wintry showers developing later in the day. that's set up for some chillier weather, into tuesday, these northerly winds rush southwards across all parts of the uk, a very different feel to think it will feel significantly colder, wintry showers in places, and we stick with that somewhat cooler feel as we head through the coming week.

this is bbc news — these are the headlines. as england reports another record number of daily coronavirus cases — health officials warn the days ahead will be crucial as hospitalisations continue to rise. the government needs to make a difficult decision if it's can introduce restrictions. but if the number of hospitalisations keep going up at the rate that they are then you can see why they would need to change their mind. new year honours for leading figures in the battle against covid. professors chris whitty and jonathan van tam are knighted. drjenny harries and drjune raine are both made dames. darling, you don't need those imm area. how do i look? fabulous.