voice-over: this is bbc news. we'll have the headlines and all the main news stories for you at the top of the hour, straight after this programme. i was conceived by rape. there's no getting around it. she was raped. he was born because of a crime. do i look like the man- who raped my birth mother? he said, "mum, am i a rape baby?" and i said, "no, you're my baby." no—one wants to talk

about what we're going through. he was my angel. we shouldn't have to hide it any more. horn blasts i'm putting... ..the... he sighs ..one of the hardest stories about my life out there. and it's... yeah, it's petrifying. that was literallyjust minutes after i'd give birth to him. i just look so young!

i were only 14 when i met a man called arshid hussain. he were ten years older than me and from that moment, he began grooming me. at the time, i didn't see it for what it was. i thought that's how love was supposed to be. i was 15 when i got pregnant. god, i still remember him being in me arms. and ijust had that moment, that instant bond that i think only a mother kind of, you know, feels. she laughs he's so chunky! i was so excited to be a mum. but as i got older, i started to understand what had happened to me. the abuse of young girls in rotherham was deep—rooted and... arshid hussain was the ringleader behind... rape after rape, - assault after assault... he has now been jailed for 35 years. sammy woodhouse gave birth to a son after she was raped.

i remember when those thoughts first started running through my head, i was panicking about my son. i thought, "what am i going to tell my son?" i couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. me son were only 12 when i had to tell him that his dad had raped and abused me, and that's how he were born. he didn't want to be the person who he was. he didn't want to be in his own skin. i blamed meself. i felt so stupid. my bruises healed...my mind didn't. we both felt so alone, and there was nowhere for us to turn. there must be others out there feeling the same way.

i'm related to a murderer... ..and also a rapist. um... and i used to think horrible things, like, "what if i grow up to be like him?" you feel grief, you feel anger, you feel shame. i know there's nothing i that i could have done, but it feels like it's my fault that i'm alive. i you're putting yourself in your birth mother's shoes. you're also thinking, "am i going to remind her of the person who did this to her?" and i think it's...it's incredible that she even decided to keep me. i don't think i could ever look at that child without thinking about all the abuse. i just want acceptance. and to know that...i'm normal, despite where i've come from. i

the worst feeling is feeling like you're alone. you're questioning everything about yourself. do i look like a rapist? looking in the mirror almost like i could see the man- who raped my mother looking back at me. . you grow up with all these ideas of who you are. - you're kind and you're| nice and you're loving. and then you find out - you were conceived in a really viole nt, almost hateful way. it pulls the heartl out of your world. neil grew up adopted and traced his birth mother when he were 27. hi! sammy! hi! is it neil? yeah. it were then that he discovered he were born after she was raped by a stranger in a park. when you hear those words, it's like somebody's... - ..almost like a video game, punched into your chest - and ripped your insides out.

yeah. ijust broke down completely and utterly lost it. _ um...so i did meet with my birth mother, and one - of the first things i said to her was, "if i look. like the man who did . this to you, walk away. "i don't want - to...bring that back." yeah, and upset her. um... and what did she say? she...she said, "it's fine, you don't look like him." i that really changed things for me. - yeah. it really, really did. have you ever wanted to meet him and confront him and say why did you do this? i him and confront him and say why did you do this?- why did you do this? i cannot be more _ why did you do this? i cannot be more clear— why did you do this? i cannot be more clear about - why did you do this? i cannot be more clear about how- why did you do this? i cannot i be more clear about how angry why did you do this? i cannot. be more clear about how angry i was at _ be more clear about how angry i was at him _ be more clear about how angry i was at him. but— be more clear about how angry i was at him. but no— be more clear about how angry i was at him. but no i— be more clear about how angry i was at him. but no i did - be more clear about how angry i was at him. but no i did not - was at him. but no i did not want— was at him. but no i did not want anything _ was at him. but no i did not want anything to _ was at him. but no i did not want anything to do - was at him. but no i did not want anything to do with . was at him. but no i did not l want anything to do with him. to all intents and purposes, idon't think of myself- as having a birth father.

yeah. i have my birth- mother and that's it. yeah. and that's enough. to me, what is hard to deal with is you had so much to deal with is you had so much to deal with and it affected you so much. you, as an adult, dealing with issues, like, in your 20s. my son was 12 years old, um...with no—one to talk to. um...so i'm kind ofjust sat here thinking, um... i feel in a way like i've failed him. i don't think you have at all. i think by being open and honest, you've done the best by him. so long as there is love - there and you can show that love and explain that how- he was conceived is the most unimportant thingl in the world, it's... you are my son. i love you beyond anything. you're part of me and that's the important thing. - and we might have to work at it more every day than most - families, because we're both hurting... - mm. ..but we're together, - and that's the important thing, and you're my son.

i've tried so hard to be the best mum i can to me son. but no matter how much i love him, he still has his shadow hanging over him. and i know he has questions about his dad, but i don't know whether the reality would really help him. i'd love to know where he's buried so i could go and dance on his grave. this monstrous man that...felt that he could do that and that it was ok to do that, and that it was ok to rape people. i think there's a special place in hell for people like that. it's a reality that eva confronted.

she grew up adopted, imagining a perfect family she'd one day find. but when she met her birth mother, the truth was much darker. she had been abused from a young age by her father... ..and she had got pregnant at the age of ill. i was the result of that liaison. it made me feel... ..unwanted, afreak... ..but i still wanted to know more. call rings out so i rang him... ..and i asked him if he'd done the things that he'd been accused of. and he said, yes, he had. and i said to him, "do you feel remorse for what you did?" and he said, "no, i don't."

and i said, "would you do it again?" and he said, "yes, iwould." siren wails i wanted him to pay for what he'd done. and the only way that i could see for that to happen was to go to the police. they said they needed evidence. and i said, "well, you've got the evidence standing right in front of you. "i'm living, breathing proof of the evidence... "..that this man raped someone." but they didn't seem to care. they didn't seem interested. i'm glad ifound out where i came from. i needed to know. what was that driving force to find those missing pieces? i think it doesn't matter how horrible the past is...

..it�*s like an itch that you can't...scratch. yeah. and...you've just got to know. hmm. you've got to know. it helps to know i did the right thing telling me son the truth... ..but meeting neil and eva has made me realise we're not the only ones going through this alone. and i know i buried a lot of me own feelings, because they're just too painful to deal with. there must be other mums out there feeling the same way. it's like if you inject poison into somebody. it's exactly what happened to me. my father injected our own genes into me. he told me that all daddies did this to their little girls, and then i fell pregnant.

it wasn't, you know, just about the rape and the physical abuse... ..it was the emotional abuse. i really wanted to tell what was happening, and i couldn't tell a soul. i couldn't tell anybody what had happened just that day, what i'd been through. i didn't have time to have any thoughts. it was, "you're having this child, simple as." "this child's going to call me daddy, as well." i just felt sick. just, no. what am i going to do? i felt like i was just so different to everybody else, and i felt so alone. and, you know, iwas embarrassed and ashamed of meself as a person. so... she sniffles .. he-d — made me have that baby, i don't think i'd have survived. i wouldn't be here today. i had to survive. i had to survive to leave.

tannoy: the next train to arrive at platform one... i packed some nappies for the child... ..some baby milk. put them in the bottom of the pram... ..and walked out the door. got on a train... ..and never went back. mandy escaped the abuse, but she couldn't escape the consequences. her son was born with a genetic disability. neither of us have ever talked to another mum with a child born from abuse, so this is a first for both of us. good girl. aye, you're a good girl. do you think it's different

for us as mums, having a child conceived through abuse, to having children conceived in a happy relationship? yeah. how do you think it's different? before i had my other children, i thought i knew what loving a baby were. mm. and then, when i had my proper children... mm. it sounds awful to say that. mm. i knew what it were. he wasn't conceived out of love. mm. he was conceived... ..by...a monster. but by god, i love him, but... yeah, yeah. i always say i'm the survivor, my son's a victim, because he is. he's... ..even though i carry it on in me head, everything that's wrong with him is... because of the abuse. ..because of

what happened to me. because the crime happened to me, it happened to him as well. and this is going to affect him for the rest of his life? yeah. i do his meals, i do his bathing. and he always says to people, "she's me mum and she's me carer." aw! bless! she chuckles so, yeah. he's my son. yeah. always will be. but sometimes... ..you go there and then sometimes, no, don't go there. mm. people don't. .. you know, when they'd find out... ..they�*d say, "you're disgusting. "you had an affair with your dad. "that's horrible. how could you do that?" but i didn't. i was 11. mm. maybe younger, but the first recollection i have, i was 11. was there ever anyone that said, "this is not yourfault?" no. has anybody even now, after all these years — notjust as a child,

but as an adult, and even after, you know, him going to prison — has anybody ever said, "this isn't your fault"? no. i'm going to cry now. well, i'm going to be the first. it's not your fault. sniffles. and you're not to blame. how many...women are sat at home now in my position i was, all them years ago, thinking... .."i�*m going to be stuck here forever." and you're not. open that door and get the hell out.

i feel a little bit lost for words. i mean, she'sjust been through so much and ijust think she's by far one of the bravest, if not the bravest, people that i've ever met in my life. everyone i've met has felt so alone and there's nothing here to help people like us. i want to see how people elsewhere in the world have changed that. rwanda is one of the only places in the world with specialist counselling for mothers and children born of rape. reporter: it was a massacre that saw a tenth of _ the population killed.

this country suffered a genocide in1991i. women, children, they were hunted down and slaughtered. 800,000 people were massacred here injust 100 days. the killers were a mixture of regular forces and hutu militias, who took to the streets with clubs and machetes. the victims were the minority tutsis, and some moderate hutus... rape were also a weapon of the genocide. and hundreds of thousands of mainly tutsi women were raped.

claire was thrown into a mass grave among the dead bodies. somehow, she lived. but her ordeal wasn't over. she realised she was pregnant by one of her attackers. claire even thought about killing her baby when it were born. but when she saw her daughter's face for the first time, she knew she couldn't. hi! you must be claire and elizabeth. how are you? and you must be elizabeth. can i give you a hug as well? hi. how are you? i'm fine. it's a pleasure to meet you. claire kept the truth hidden for years. it were only when she met other mothers like her that she opened up and told her daughter how she were born.

i know. i was a baby. he was my angel. and that's him when he was a little bit older.

joyful singing. as many as 20,000 children were born from rape during the genocide against the tutsi. here, they come together to talk about how it's affected them.

when i'm kind of sat there as a mum and, you know... oh, i'm going to get really emotional now! sobs. so, kind of like when i'm seeing it from a mum and i know what me son's feeling as well... ..that was, like, really difficult. gentle singing. what happened here in 1994 is very different to what happened to me but we still have so much in common. it's been incredible to see how children and mothers here dealt with their struggles by coming together. ijust wish me and me son had not felt so alone.

things between me and me son have always been difficult and i don't know what the future holds. good girl. sit! paw. good girl! ijust wish that me and me son would have been able to process everything a lot better than what we did. but i'm his mum and i love him — i always will do, and he knows that. since i've been back from rwanda, i'vejust been thinking about, you know, everything i learnt there and the people that i met and one thing that really stood out for me is, you know, how everybody in rwanda came together through a charity and just how much it helped them. so, today, i've invited some of the people from the documentary to come together in sheffield.

and for some of us, it's going to be the first time that they've ever met, you know, somebody that's been through their situation. so, today's a really big day for them. hello! hi, there. you all right? talking about this is always going to be painful but it feels like this is a first step. my son's birth father is my father. there's not a lot of people i've told that. i think you're the second person and... ..people said to me, "oh, you'll have to adopt him. "you'll have to adopt him. "you can't look after him. "you know, he's going to be a constant reminder — "constant, all the time." and i said, "no, he's not. "he's my son." it matters to me to do this because i've always been silent. and now i'm a woman, a fully grown woman. who's got a gob on her and she's willing to use it! giggles. my son looks like his dad, so... does he? ..but that doesn't matter to me.

no. he's still my boy, so... exactly! yeah. he's yours. first thing i said to my birth mother when we met, i said, "if i remind you of him for a second, walk away, "you know, and i'll totally understand. " my relationship with my birth mother is — we-ve— started talking again. it's lovely, and i hope there's love there. you're an amazing woman. thank you. and now, i'm getting emotional! don't start me again! um... but honestly... well, every single — every single one of you, honestly, i think you're incredible anyway. you don't have to feel alone and confused and scared. because that's how i felt, and it's — it's not that bad. you — you can feel a lot happier about this subject. you don't have to always feel so sad. nowt to be ashamed of. nothing to be ashamed of at all. and nobody can stop me.

hello there. i think it's fair to say the weekend started on a very mixed note. now, there were some areas of rain across the uk but other places that stayed entirely dry and sunny. look at this band of rain in southern scotland. underneath that, drumalbin in lanark only got to eight degrees. while it's not that far away, in stirlingshire,

basking in the sunshine, tyndrum had a high of 17 celsius, so a massively different feel to the weather on saturday over a relatively short distance. sunday's chart still has low pressure firmly in charge. there will be more rain around. that low moves eastwards and then, early next week, we'll get northerly winds. and look where those winds come from — pretty much the north pole — so, needless to say, the weather will be getting quite a bit cooler over the next few days. now, over the next few hours, we've still got a bit of rain in northern ireland. that's turning lighter and patchier in nature. northern scotland turning wet here with some stronger north—easterly winds developing and we've got some heavier rain just skirting along the south of england. so, there are some areas of rain, other areas stay dry, but a lot of cloud around. temperatures, 4—10 degrees as we start off sunday. now, we've got that fairly persistent rain that's going to be with us most of the day for northern scotland. it will feel chilly here on account of those

gusty northerly winds. heavy rain across southern england extending into east anglia and then into the afternoon, we see showers break out, and i think those showers, particularly across england and wales, will turn heavy with some hail and thunder. temperatures across the board below average for the time of year, and it's set to get colder. those northerly winds really start to arrive through monday and on into tuesday as well. now, we're looking at some rain across england and wales. further north, it's a day of sunshine and showers. there'll be some hail mixed in with some of these showers, a little bit of sleet across the far north of scotland and over the higher scottish mountains, yes, you could even see a little bit of snow, — but you have to go pretty high up for that, above 400 or 500 metres' elevation. temperatures dropping — highs of 7—11 degrees. feeling chilly, particularly for northern scotland. then monday night, we see a widespread frost develop and it's something that gardeners will certainly want to take note of. this is not a good news situation, really, for those tender plants — you might need to bring them back inside. tuesday, still cold, still a few wintry showers across northern scotland.

showers with us for much of the week ahead with temperatures for the most part staying well below average. bye for now.

live from washington. this is bbc news. the us presidents confirms that us embassy staff have been evacuated from sudan. wrexham fc�*s return to the football league earth day is marked with protests across the world, calling for more action on climate change. we start with some news in from sudan — the us military has completed the evacuation of us embassy staff and families from the capital khartoum.