-- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com >> piers morgan starts now. see you tomorrow. if you already know jel am i fallon from his tv show you don't know the real jimmy fallon. he may well be the funniest guy in late night tv. the veteran of "saturday night live" and an author. he's even got his own ice cream flavor. behind the laughter is another jimmy. >> i saw what you did with oprah and you're not going to make me cry, buddy. >> the real jimmy fallon. >> what are you saying?

>> what are you saying? what are you -- -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com >> jimmy fallon, the prime time cable exclusive. this is "piers morgan tonight". >> jimmy fallon, your new book is called "thank you notes". brillian, simple idea. >> very quick, yeah. you know, when you start a talk show, a late night talk show, you always hope for like the top ten list or the headlines letterman has or whatever. we tried things every single week. this guy jeremy bron stein came up with the thank you notes. we tried it, wrote these thank you notes. twitter, facebook blew up. do it again. i was like, guys, i think we might have something. >> is it like all things in common especially with the

running things, is it the simpler the idea the more effective it is? >> seriously it's ideas that you think of off the street. like last week i went into a store, i bought a pack of gum and there's the receipt for the gum was two feet long. i didn't pay with a credit card. i paid cash. what is it? i'm killing the rain forest. this is insane. >> who are you most likely to write a thank you note to right now as a comedian? anthony weiner or arnold schwarzenegger? >> oh, my gosh. they've both been great for me. great come ditch. aye say schwarzenegger because everybody has this impression. "mildred, mildred, get over here now. mildred, you forgot to polish something. get over here. it's me just being friendly with you". oh, hi. just joking with mildred. >> but on "saturday night live" for example could you ever have imagined a political sex scandal rocking america where the guy's

name was weiner and he was sending photos of his wiener over the internet? >> we haven't heard from his aide, gary but hole. is it butoli? he hasn't admitted anything. but look at those pictures. >> it's sort of like christmas comes early when this happens. >> summer is off. they're off for the summer. >> for you guys brilliant. >> for us it's fuel to the fire. i had tiger woods on the show. i said, look, i know it's been pain and anguish for your personal life. but as a comedian i got to say thank you. because i mean, the double entendres for golf and sex? holes, strokes, foursomes, name it, balls? go for it. i didn't have to write anything. >> texas scramble? >> something i didn't have to say. it's just jokes. they're not even jokes, they're just actual things. >> you have this remarkably free

life you've had. happy existence. >> yeah. >> nothing bad seems to have ever happened to you. and i thought, that's why he's so happy all the time. that's why you're always smiling. >> i guess, i mean, of course bad stuff has happened. i guess here and there. but it's like, i really don't embrace the bad stuff. i honestly purposely have not gone to therapy. because i know some crazy stuff's going to be dragged up and i'll be like way what. >> instinctively your protective shield is comedy. you don't really want to answer that question, do you? >> i guess it is. probably if anything i'm irish catholic upbringing so i think it's probably that there's probably a guilt thing floating somewhere. but i grew up with a bunch of people out there. >> even in other interviews that you do, there's nothing really that they go for outside of the comedy. >> i guess not. why not? that's not really my job. i think i had that attitude since i started. i go, this is my job. this is what i want to do. so it's like the whole conan jay

leno thing went down, same thing. i go, my job is not to be serious. my job is to make people laugh and go to bed. my show's on at 12:39 a.m. >> i love that. >> eastern time. >> i love that. >> it's like the weirdest time. tivo it if you don't watch the show. d.v.r. it if you can. if you have a v.c.r. good for you. >> when the offer came in, at 12:01. it's not even tonight. it's past tomorrow. >> tomorrow's show. exactly. they said to me, would you mind moving an hour later? i go, yeah, of course. what time am i on now? are you kidding me? i'm basically on like 3:00 in the morning. i'm on against the slop chop commercials. >> i ask everybody about jimmy fallon. great guy. they think you're a great guy.

why weren't you that popular? >> i don't know. i don't think i had the -- i don't know. i never had the -- i didn't want to go with the crowd. i just wanted to do my own thing. so i mean, i'd be friends with you and i'd be friends with some head banger burnout kid, you know, sitting next to a truck drinking 151 i'd be like what's up, buddy? how are you doing, man? what are you up to? i'm 16. try this, man. i'm friends with him but i'm friends with the nerds who like math -- i loved the math team. i was obsessed with that. i think i have a -- >> were you drawn to the absurd and the potentially comedic always? >> i think so. i think so. my parents are from brooklyn, new york. they're both from brooklyn. they don't know how to drive. my dad has his license but he's awful and he taught me. so i'm second generation. >> i haven't seen anybody drive drive in new york anyway.

>> you don't have to. >> why would you drive here? i don't get it. >> there's no sense. but once you move out you have to be prepared for the rest of the world. so my dad taught me. and i'm just second generation, i'm awful. >> did you have a happy childhood? >> so happy. it was me and my sister gloria. very happy. my parents, very entertaining irish people. very fun. my sister, very funny. and my grandparents lived right next door to our house. almost in our backyard. but they had their own house. so they didn't live in a shack or anything. not weird story there, no back woods things. we fed them through a slot in the door. shut up. but they kind of helped raise me. so i would go and hang out with my grandparents and go to church all the time. i wanted to be a priest for awhile. >> did you? >> yeah. i was thinking about it recently. i never thought about it until recently. but that probably is my first time that i was on stage, you know, because i was an altar boy and you go out and come out from behind the curtain, stand next to the priest and you ring the

bells and do all the things. and people are watching you. and you go, oh. and my parents would come watch me. they'd come see my shows. he's the best bell ringer. my baby is the best. >> so it sort of confirms my theory that you were surrounded by love and happiness and comedy and all this kind of thing, a strong religion and so on. and most comedians i've interviewed have an element of something in their lives which has made them go into comedy -- i mean, sarah silverman for example open about a very difficult upbringing and she was drawn to comedy because she got this sucker from an audience laughing at her and giving her warmth. so many comedians i've met are quite tore meanted characters. >> there probably is some angle to me, some part that's tortured or whatever. but i don't -- i don't dwell on that. i just accept it. it happened or whatever. and i just move forward.

>> i'll play you a clip of your first ever standup comedic routine. >> hi, i'm jimmy fallon. welcome to the audition for the commercial. mr. john travolta. his hair's all frizzy. like i don't expect for you to sell these things. so weird. >> apart from the hair which is outrageous, what are you thinking when you watch that? >> the striped shirt? >> the fashion disaster. >> i had that act -- that was my only act i had. someone bought me a troll doll for my high school graduation in high school. bought me a troll doll with the frizzy hair. first of all i don't know what i'm going to do with this doll. but my mother -- i heard about this impression contest on the radio. my mother said you should enter this contest. i know you do all those voices up in rain shower your room. >> did you love the buzz of

laughter coming from people? >> that was the thing. it was that pleasing people type of thing. where you told the joke and you got a laugh and you're like, that's cool. i got a good reaction. there's nothing like it. it's an adrenaline rush. you know from doing "america's got talent" in front of a crowd. there's nothing like it. when you've finished, if it's a good clip, you say something cool and the crowd goes nuts, nothing like it. >> it's true. also nothing like the terrible black hole of when you do an equip and nobody laughs. >> yeah. i mean, that's -- the first time it happens it's shattering. the second time, awful. third time? worse. fourth time i can't believe this happened. and then you go, not too bad. sixth time you go, it's kind of fun. then you kind of really look forward to those silences where it's like i don't mind bombing a joke. i'll do a joke in the monologue i know won't get a laugh but it's funny. >> when we come back i want to talk "saturday night live" which

pulled you into the stratosphere. and slow jamming. let's not forget that. ♪

with diabetes, it's tough to keep life balanced. i don't always have time to eat like i should. and the more i focus on everything else, the less time i have to take care of me. that's why i like glucerna shakes. they have slowly digestible carbs to help minimize blood sugar spikes, which can help lower a1c. glucerna products help me keep everything balanced. [ golf clubs clanking ] [ husband ] i'm good! well, almost everything. [ male announcer ] glucerna. delicious shakes and bars. helping people with diabetes find balance. [ male announcer ] glucerna. delicious shakes and bars. right now, go to priceline for a sneak peek at recent winning and better than ever! hotel bids to find where you n save up to 60% on hotels. * we'll even email you other people's winning bids, so you'll know what price to name. *á with new hotel bid alerts, from priceline.

save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance?really was abe lincoln honest? mary: does this dress make my backside look big? abe: perhaps... host: could switching to geico reon car insurance? e host: do dogs chase cats? ♪ 70's music sfx: squealing tires.

>> the president did assert the need to focus our national energy strategy on renewable resources. >> yeah. baby. let's get together and build some wind turbines. you know all they want to do is get blown. or dam, girl. we could build a dam, girl. >> that is of course your signature slow jam. promise me one thing. at some stage in my life i can do that with you. >> please. >> seriously. >> deal. right now. >> deal? i like it. i would love to do that. >> it would be so stupid. >> and again, so simple, so funny. >> yeah. we did that in our very first show. we did slow jam the news without brian williams. we did it these two great writers. they wrote this bit, slow jam the news. and then we did it and we asked brian if he would do just brian williams. >> of course. >> so he said, yeah. yeah. i'll come down and..

and now, i mean, he's addicted because he's great at it and he just destroys. he plays the straight man so perfectly. >> the big break for you obviously was "saturday night live." when you were growing up i know you worshipped the show. you watched it all the time. >> that was it. >> when you actually discovered you had the possibility of being on it, what was that moment like for you? >> i think it was like -- i actually auditioned for the show -- i dropped out of school, college, and i went to l.a. to join the gramling is, like the second city of l.a., improve troupe troup. i learned how to act with other people. when you do standup comedy you don't know how to act with other people because you're on stage by yourself. they really taught me a lot. i got to audition for snl. i did the troll bit. celebrities impersonating like endorsing these troll dolls. i'd do bill cosby, the thing about the troll and do whatever. so i'd do the whole bit. and i bombed.

and i didn't -- like you were saying, it was awful. so i was at the comic strip in new york city, bombed. and tracy morgan got the job that year. and then two years later, they asked me back to audition again. they said, don't do the troll bit. we've seen that. think of something else. i did something else. i did a celebrity walk a thon with a bunch of celebrities walking for charity. so i'd do jerry seinfeld and i'd say like isn't this great? why don't we all take a bow. end up in the same place. why are we all walking? we're all going to end up in the same place. so i'd do that. i remember doing the audition for snl. >> do your de niro in this. one of my favorites. >> i mean, excuse me? nope. okay. okay. yep [ laughter ] >> nope. oka okay. >> again that's your dark streak. because you know that he's renowned to be this terrible

guest. i mean, i'd love to have him on because i love de niro. but when you watch him it's torture for everyone when he does interviews. >> he doesn't like to talk. >> so you choose a guy with your first show when you get your massive gig and he's robert de niro. why would you do that? >> you start a show, publicists, they control the actors, what publicity they do. so publicists basically run actor's lives and what they do in a weird way. so when you go out to publicists, they're afraid of you. they go, oh, this show is probably going to flop. i don't want my client to be near a flop. i don't want my client to go on a sinking ship. so you have to call in friends and favorers for the first week at least. so i had tina fey, i had justin timberla timberlake. she was like i'm do the first show, second show. whatever show you want me to do, whatever the hardest to book i'll do for you, buddy. don't worry about me. don't make me feel good. like the first guest or whatever. so i wanted an a list actor, someone from new york city. so i called robert de niro.

i was like, look, i've done charity things with him before. he's the coolest guy. nothing to promote, nothing coming out. he's working on movies. really no reason to come on. he goes, okay. yeah. i'll do it. i'll do it. and he's the best guy. i'll never forget that as long as i live. he's the coolest human being on the face of the earth. >> it was amazing what he did for you. i wouldn't care if he just sat there and said nothing. he's robert denear row. >> which he basically did. he sat there and said nothing. that's what i wanted. like we recently had him back on and we played pass pord with him which is perfect because you're only allowed to say one-word hints. so i'd be like hiya. he'd go karate? two points. like the perfect gig for him. he's the best sport. my first show i remember we wanted u 2. because i'm friendly with bono and edge. and i've done bits with those guys. i asked them but they were doing a whole week on letterman. letterman just booked them for

the whole week trying to go ahead against us. who can get the better guest. i'm like what a bummer, man. they would have totally done me a favor. okay. who else can we get? someone cool. and that's why the world works the way it works. just so happened that van morrison is in town doing astroweek. come on. i mean, so it's de niro, justin timberlake, van morrison first show. >> brilliant. >> as luck would have it. just the way it works. >> what really makes you laugh? >> i like -- of course i love come medians. any comedian. i love any comedian. >> what can make you laugh out loud? what kind of thing? >> british humor. i'm a fan of chris morris, the day-to-day. mighty beush? those guys? we had them on the show. they weren't allowed to perform or something legalitily? i don't know what that means but they weren't aloud to perform on stage. had to sit in their chairs. and i did the secret police

mann's ball like five-years ago in england. they did this bit. it was so funny. where he came out and one this very glam guy, the other guy's very straight. he's like, have you seen this new hair, john? no, i haven't seen it. you must know it. jean claude jackety put your jacket on. no, i don't know that. come on, jacket on, jacket off. then all of a sudden they both start talking, oh, stylish. walking around paris with the ten any red set. and they do this whole bit and they did it sitting down, which is legal, i guess. and man it killed destroyed. i just loved watching that cross over to america. they're brilliant come medians. >> when you watch ricky gervais and you know where he's going to go. i would say it's not coming to shock for dinner. like everyone knew what he would do. i found him hilarious. >> i think everyone else, by the

way, they go, chris rock? he's so irreverent. you go, that's what chris rock does. what did he want to do? billy crystal's act? he's the best at billy crystal. steve martin's the best at steve martin. >> i went to the emmys when you were the host. and what they really want is they don't want it to ever feel uncomfortable or nas estimate and your genius that day you were coming out with lots of stuff that was knifing people but it all felt so warm and celebratory that everyone felt they could laugh. >> yeah. >> and that's your trademark i think, isn't it? >> i think that's my thing. i don't like to kick people when they're down. i like to kick people when they're up. if you're down i'm your friend. i'll take care of you until you're up again and i'll take a shot at you. if you're in on the joke, everyone can take the joke. if you're in on it why not do that? that's the fun of it. i remember we had ted dan son. i had to introduce ted dans son. awesome. they played the cheers theme? i go, ladies and gentlemen,

wherever this guy goes everyone knows his name. give it up for mr. tim denson [ laughter ] >> he came out, immediately got the joke. some people were like, what? tim denso? ? just the fact that you screwed up ted dan son's name? those sort of things makes me laugh. i remember we did a bit when i hosted the mtv vmas. give it up for shakira pinkel stein. she doesn't use your last name? sorry. she's a good sport. but those type of fun things like i gotcha. >> when we come back i'm going to talk to you about donald trump and also about late night wars. >> beautiful. 24 karat. beautiful wars. marble. gorgeous. ♪

♪ i like your messy hair ♪ i like the clothes you wear ♪ i like the way you sing ♪ and when you dance with me ♪ you always make me smile [ male announcer ] we believe you're at your best when you can relax and be yourself. and at thousands of newly refreshed holiday inn express hotels, you always can. holiday inn express. stay you. and now stay rewarded with vacation pay. stay two weekend nights and get a $75 prepaid card.

>> the fact is, the president clearly coordinated the secret cia mission, assassination and ensuing press conference specifically to cut off the end

of my show, the celebrity apprentice. so basically, i killed osama bin laden [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> so congratulations to me, donald trump. thank you. you're welcome. >> thanks himself. [ laughter ] >> he thanks himself and said you're welcome. >> i love him. i was on his show. >> you were great. >> yeah. but he's a magical character for you guys, isn't he? >> i don't even understand what he is. he's so good. he did a bit on our show once, we had remote control boats and we were racing remote control boats. he stood up with his boat and he was following his boat around. i go, donald, it's remote control. you don't -- you don't have to touch it. you don't have to do -- it's the idea of it. you can stay here. that's the idea of the game. you don't walk with the boat. "i don't know, jimmy. my boats are beautiful. 24 karat gold. beautiful boobs on it. great, beautiful. beautiful boat".

we played sha raids with donald trump and littlejohn and mimi leaks. >> anything interesting happen in your life? >> that's the fun part of having a talk show. so littlejohn is clearly doing a woman giving birth. he's doing a baby. baby talk was the thing. he was going like this. and he's going -- and his legs are up and donald trump is going, round boobs. beautiful boobs. beautiful, beautiful 24 karat, marble boobs. it's like, no, he's clearly giving birth. he never played sha raids. you have kids. >> donald trump when he came on here we had a live awe yens. at the end he turned to me and everyone could hear him and he went, by the way, don't worry. the ratings are going to be great [ laughter ] >> and you know what? they were. >> no. he was hosting "saturday night live." god bless him he's the nicest dude. we wrote in a sketch, a bunch of

comedians sitting around a table at a meeting going over the sketch, reading the sketch. he'd tell some joke about how his kaen's fail his is a see know's failing in atlantic city. he says mika see know is failing in atlantic city. he takes off his glasses and goes mark my word. that casino is going to be number one in two years. to a bunch of come medians. we had no idea. >> indisputably he is endlessly entertaining in all guises. >> he's a smart, smart businessman. he knows what he's doing. running for president, not running for president. celebrity apprentice went up, right? genius. >> tell me about the late night wars. my perspective on it is, i really like jay leno and i really like conan. whenever i met either of of them they were unfailingly courteous, very nice to talk to, very generous with their time and so on. i'm sure you're the same. when you get a situation that

arose the way that it it did and it creates problems between them how do you feel about that? >> it's almost like watching your family fight. you go, well, you're going to do it. just get it over with and it's going to be uncomfortable at the table. pass the peas. >> where do you think the real problem lay in all that? >> i don't know. >> what was the catalyst? was it the simple as when jay was number one, nbc saying to him, you've got five more years then

i feel bad for conan because he wanted his shot at "the tonight show" and i don't know if he got a fair shake. if he did, i don't know if he did. it's just too hard to say because he wasn't around -- he didn't get that much of a chance. >> i find it sad that those two guys no longer speak at all. >> i find it sad that no one speaks. i find it sad when pink floyd doesn't speak. i find it sad when simon and garfunkel don't speak. really? what is the deal. go sing "sounds of silence." everyone loves it. it's going to kill. >> who do you feel most competitive towards? when you look at ratings or the publicity they're getting and think, that's annoying me? >> brad pitt. i hate that son of a -- he's so good-looking. he gets the women. he's got the movies. i want to work with terrence malloy. where's my chance? >> are you a frustrated movie star in you've got the looks for it and you've had a stab at movies. >> i don't think i have the looks for the leading man.

i could be a best friend that comes in, hey, you guys should get together. i could be that guy. i don't know if i'd be the guy. i tried to give it a shot. two great shots, "taxi" with queen latifah, which didn't do that bad. in fact, most people recognized me on the street from "taxi." it's funny to see how it's grown on cable because people actually like it. it's silly, ridiculous, but so is any movie. what isn't? i mean, "speed," that's a hit. come on. jumping over a bus with sandra bullock. it's just crazy. it's a movie. >> let's talk about stand-up comedians or anyone who has done that. how you would ever have the patience for movies. >> i don't like it. the fun thing about doing my show now is it's immediate gratification. instant gratification. where you do a movie, you have to be quiet, everyone on the set is quiet, no one is laughing. he's doing a comedy scene, everyone is trying not to laugh.

they're not looking. i don't know if i am being funny at this point because there's no gauge. then you edit for two months, promote the movie for three months, six months later the movie comes out and the critics go, it sucks. that's half a year of my life and it sucks at least on my show, if i tell a joke, the audience is, like, that sucks. all right, i go to another joke. take another break and then when we come back i want to talk about bad boys and your mate charlie sheen. >> duh! winning. [ male announcer ] this...is the network -- a network of possibilities. in here, the planned combination of at&t and t-mobile would deliver our next generation mobile broadband experience to 55 million more americans, many in small towns and rural communities, giving them a new choice. we'll deliver better service, with thousands of new cell sites... for greater access to all the things you want, whenever you want them. it's the at&t network...

and what's possible in here is almost impossible to say. at 190 miles per hour, the wind will literally lift ordinary windshield wipers off the glass. so, did we build a slower car? or design wipers that could handle anything? what do you think? the cadillac cts-v, the world's fastest production sedan. we don't just make luxury cars, we make cadillacs right now, go to priceline for a sneak peek at recent winning and better than ever! hotel bids to find where you n save up to 60% on hotels. * we'll even email you other people's winning bids, so you'll know what price to name. *á with new hotel bid alerts, from priceline. distracted driving. it accounts for 25% of car crashes. - ♪ [ dance ] - music, cell phones, food--

the list goes on. this is why safe driving is so important. - correct. - and it's why the best agents... help safe drivers get a lower rate. - oh! - exactly. ♪ another dream but always you ♪ whoa! ♪ it's like a vision-- [ tires squeal ] ♪ [ resumes ] [ man announcing ] we are insurance. ♪ we are farmers bum-pa-dum, bum-bum-bum-bum ♪ you know rheumatoid arthritis means pain. but you may not know it can also mean destruction. not just of your joints, but of the things you love to do. and the longer you live with the aching, swelling, and stiffness, the closer you may be to having your favorite things... taken away from you. but you can take action today. go to ra.com for your free joint profile so you can better talk to your rheumatologist about protecting your joints.

welcome gods and goddesses. i the sheen man have a show where i get to go around and pull the most bitchy pranks on droopy-eyed trolls. it may melt your face off. what you working on there, dude? >> i have this report due next

friday. hey! >> you just got sheen'd. >> what? >> sheen'd! >> i mean, that was absolutely hilarious but you couldn't have had much time to prepare this. these things must just come to you. >> that's the fun thing about our show. we do it nightly so it's monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, every night we do a show. so if something happens in the news, if we can make a joke, we'll be the first one to get it. >> hard work because these sketches aren't easy to do. >> no. it takes a lot of hair and makeup, cindy lou and courtney are amazing. we didn't have a wig for charlie sheen, but i figured i really could look like him if i just -- >> do you look like him. >> move my hair down like this and just kind of like make a crazy face, you know? and he just kind of -- it's the crazy eyes. not quite johnny carson but it's gruffer. duh, winning! adonis dna.

>> is any part of what's happening with charlie winning, do you think? >> no. i don't know. i feel bad for him because i know he's funny. i know he's smart. so i don't know what's going on. if he's on drugs or pills or what's happening, i hope he gets off it. i hope he ends up winning in the end. maybe he will off this, but i -- i felt a little bit bad because it got out of control for me. i mean, the first couple of things were genius, especially as a comedian. you can make fun of it and do the "winning." then it got crazy for a while. i hope he figures it out. i think he's a great comedian. >> have you had a moment in your life, not charlie sheen-esque, but have you gotten into boozing, drugs any other pitfalls that follow comedians, entertainers? >> drinking is probably the closest i've come to doing anything, but this show, i can't drink as much as i'd like to because it's 9:00 to 5:00. >> you want to start drinking on

a regular basis? do a nightly show. especially a news show. >> you're screwed. but friday nights, i'm out there doing jager shots with my wife. it's -- my shirt's off. it's nasty. >> what's the most excited you've been about a guest that's come on your show? >> bruce springsteen. >> he's your hero. >> he's the coolest. he's rock 'n' roll. he's the coolest. he's the one and only, the best. >> did he confound the theory that you should never meet your heroes? was he great in real life? >> i don't believe in you should never meet your heroes. it depends on who your heroes are. i met bruce springsteen, paul mccartney. they're heroes to me and they're great. springsteen, i did the emmy opening, i did "born to run," "glee"-ish version of "born to run." he heard about it. we asked him permission. he said, anything jimmy wants to do. that would be great. we did it and he liked it and he had to promote "darkness on the

edge of town" box set. amazing box set, by the way, if you get this. has a notebook with all his scraps and lyrics. amazing box set. so he didn't do any shows but ours. i used to do neil young. i did this impersonation of neil young on the show. i said, would you want to do maybe a duo with me as neil young singing willow smith's "whip my hair"? ♪ whip my hair back and forth ♪ whip my hair back and forth he's like, i like that. that's good. his manager calls and said he wants to dress as young bruce. can you get him a floppy hat. he'll bring his "born to run" sunglasses. he came. he goes, you got the floppy hat? get the floppy hat. i get the floppy hat and we do the whole thing. i said, also we have a wig for you, too. he goes, no, no, no wig. what are you trying to do? i don't want to wear a wig.

i go, no problem. everyone leaves the room. i said, bruce, try the wig on. see what you think. he goes, all right. i'm putting the wig on bruce springsteen, the most exciting moment of my life. give me the floppy hat. give him the floppy hat and glasses and he looked like bruce springsteen from 1978. he got up to see his manager. bruce has that bowlegged, tight pants -- went over to see his manager john landau, an amazing guy. i swear john landau had tears in his eyes because he was, like, this is what you looked like when i first started working with you. when are you going to see your client dressed 30 years younger? nobody will ever get bruce springsteen in a wig. i guarantee it. let's take a break. i want to talk to you about marriage and politics. not necessarily at the same time. [ male announcer ] finally.

the place they've been searching for. staples. the one place that makes it easy to buy a new laptop. ♪ or get one fixed. ♪ with highly trained tech experts, staples makes trouble-shooting and repairing technology just the way you want it -- easy. easy to buy. easy to fix. easy to save. staples. that was easy.

♪ the count on chevy event is here. turn it up in a malibu. 33 mpg, over 500 highway miles a tank. one of our 9 models over 30 mpg highway. fuel up, rock on. very well qualified lessees can get a low mileage lease on a chevy malibu ls for around $179 a month. fuel economy based on epa estimates. and there's a great selection of inventory available now at your chevy dealer. count on chevy for more out of every mile. two of the most important are energy security and economic growth. north america actually has one of the largest oil reserves in the world. a large part of that is oil sands. this resource has the ability to create hundreds of thousands of jobs. at our kearl project in canada, we'll be able to produce these oil sands with the same emissions as many other oils and that's a huge breakthrough.

that's good for our country's energy security and our economy.

i can be myself. i can dress the way i want to dress. i do shots, i tan and i drink. stds. >> what i find really -- >> she's a great writer. >> what i find really -- when i interview actors and actresses -- yesterday i interviewed an actress and she couldn't look at herself on screen. every time there's a clip of yourself, you've roared with laughter. that is encouraging. >> i don't mind if it's funny. i don't look at it like it's me. was it funny? was it good? i second-guess everything. if it's good, i like to see it again. >> how important is the love of a good woman? your wife? >> i would be nothing without my

wife. she is the coolest, the greatest, the smartest, the funniest. i love her so much. she's like the -- it's like your best friend for the rest of your life. you can call her up and, like, this happened to me, what do you think of this? she gives good advice. or you go, want to see a movie? yeah, which one? i want to see this one. she's like, i don't want to see that one. come on! those types of things, i want to go to this restaurant. ah, i don't care about restaurants. but i love restaurants. okay, let's do it. >> i think the trick is tolerance, isn't it? if you try to make the other person like you, it will never work. but if you're tolerant of each other's differences -- >> i'm a fan of her and she's a fan of me. i like that she likes things, it may not be the same with me. same with her and me. she goes, i don't know why jimmy likes it, but if he does, let's go. >> is she a good critic of your work? >> yeah. she's got very high standards, very picky, great eye.

she's a producer in hollywood. she works with drew barrymore. the flower films is her company. the new charlie's angels. >> does she live there? >> lives in new york. >> i finally thought i found a chink in the endless happiness of your life, and it was this story in "star" magazine. >> i heard about this. >> marriage split sensation. fallon disaster because he lives in new york, she lives in l.a. there was a spokesman for jimmy fallon at the end that says, there's only one slight problem here. mrs. fallon lives with mr. fallon in new york. >> do i have a spokesman? still i have to say "star" magazine is 95% of the time correct. so you've got to give it up for -- no matter what, i swear those magazines they're all right. they're all correct. that one -- >> can you still laugh even at stuff like that? you find it funny? >> i called her -- we found out it was coming out. i said, honey, we're in a lot of

trouble. apparently we're splitting our time between -- do you have a home in l.a. that you're not telling me about? this is really upsetting to me now. she's, like, oh, my gosh. she's a fan of those magazines. my wife loves "us weekly," "star." she reads all of those trashy magazines. oh, why would you read those -- those -- oh, jessica simpson is getting -- what? she's on a diet. it's candy. you don't have to think. you just read and they're the best. they're rags, but they're the best things in the world. i love page 6, i love all of that stuff. i love gossip. >> can we expect any little fallons along the way? >> there might be some right now. mildred, get over here now! mildred! get over here! what are you doing? mildred, you're so good. what are you, 6'5"? you're so pretty. oh, high maria. just kidding. yeah, yeah. in the future, i would love to be a dad. i would love to have kidsism love kids. >> what would you think if you had a child with no sense of

humor? >> it's impossible. they have to have one. right? i'm worried about living in an area where there is no sense of humor. i have no live in new york city. i have to live here. people are so funny. >> they are. naturally funny. >> when it's winter, they hate the winter. it's too cold. we had one good day this year and i remember it. it was like four weeks ago. one good day. he have one said, that was it. that was it. >> everyone back to their apartments. i can't talk about it. then can you believe how hot it is? can you believe how cold it over here? what is this? global warming, right? yeah. right. whatever. >> talking about global warming. we'll talk ice cream after this final break. [ waves crashing ] ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] and just like that, it's here.

a new chance for all of us: people, companies, communities to face the challenges yesterday left behind and the ones tomorrow will bring. prudential. bring your challenges.

and the ones tomorrow will bring. fore! no matter what small business you are in, managing expenses seems to ...get in the way. not anymore. ink introduces jot. a real time expense app that lets you track and categorize expenses on the go. so you can get back to the business you love. jot, the latest innovation from chase. only for ink customers. download at chase.com/ink [ male announcer ] life happens pretty fast, and the best way to keep up is to be just as fast. and now you can get the speed you need with the cut you want. the all-new john deere eztrak z600 series -- nine miles per hour, a four-year limited warranty and an expert cut in expert time. what will you create? learn more about getting an expert cut in expert time

at john deere.com/eztrak.

♪

♪ tomorrow is saturday and sunday comes afterwards ♪ >> that was your late night. i don't really know what's going on there other than two table cloths. i just got something to do with ice cream. >> here's what happened. steven cold bert is my best friend for six months. i asked him to be my bff. best friend forever and that was too much for him. so i offered him six months and he said yes. so right now we're best friends for six months. bffsm. but i have an ice cream flavor, ben and jerry's, a lot of people consider it the best ice cream flavor that ever existed. stephen colbert has one by ben and jerry's. it is a food stuff, whatever. it is unoriginal but it is sweet and cold. it counts as ice cream. what i want you to do is maybe try both and see blindfold taste

test which one you think you enjoy the most. do you mind? >> well, i feel unanybodied by this but i'll do it. already feeling deeply uncomfortable. >> here we go. this is the first spoon. >> thank you. this is weird. all right. go. describe it. >> it is sort of coffee-ish, i would say. >> here you go. try this one. >> that's just crunchy and fairly bland. >> i'll have the first one. >> are you sure about that? >> yeah. >> unoriginal tool. this is -- i'm so upset. >> take the blindfold off. this is ridiculous. the first one you had was that dumb american dream. stephen colbert's great ice

cream. and number two the s late night snack. of course, the first one is ice cream cone with chocolate and vanilla. the second one you had was fudge covered potato chip. >> we have almost exhausted the ice cream debate here. can you say what you're good at, please? get that guitar and play us out. with a bit of fallon magic. >> this one i'll do. i'll give you a taste. when i did whip my hair with, as neil young and bruce springsteen. ♪ whip my hair back and forth ♪ whip my hair back and forth snin just whip it ♪ ♪ whip my hair back and forth >> then he's going -- ♪ whip my hair back and forth

♪ going to whip my hair ♪ and bob dylan is different. his harmonica is higher. he just plays one note and blows it out. this is bob dylan doing the theme from charlie in charge. the television show in america. ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ the boy in the neighborhood upset and misunderstood ♪ ♪ takes his hair ♪ charles in charge of our days and our nights ♪ ♪ charles in a race ♪ charles in charge of