>> piers morgan starts now. see you tomorrow. if you only know jimmy fallon from his tv show, you don't know the real jimmy fallon. yes, he may well be the funniest guy in late night tv. he's a veteran of "saturday night live" and an author. he's even got his own ice cream flavor. behind all the laughter is another jimmy fallon. >> piers, you're not going to make me cry, buddy. i saw what you did with oprah. >> the real jimmy fallon. >> properly in love? properly in love, what are you saying?

>> jimmy fallon, the prime-time cable exclusive, this is ""piers morgan tonight." jimmy fallon, your new book is called "thank you notes." we all know them from your show. brilliant, simple idea. >> very quick. you know, when you start a talk show, late night talk show, you always hope for like the top ten list or the headlines, leno has or whatever. we try different things every week. this guy jeremy bron ston came up with the thank you notes. we tried it, wrote sarcastic thank you notes, twitter, facebook blew up. my god, thank you notes did it again. guys, we might have a hit. >> is it like all things in comedy, especially with the running things, is it the simpler the idea often the more effective it is? >> yeah. seriously, ideas you think of

off the street like last week i really went it into a store and bought a pack of gum. i go, what is this? coupons. i'm killing the rain forest to get fresh breath. this is insane. >> who are you most likely to write a thank you note to right now as a comedian? anthony weiner or arnold schwarzenegger? tough one. >> oh, gosh, they've both been great for me. i would say schwarzenegger because everyone has the schwarzenegger impression. mildred, get over here, get over here now! mildred, you forgot to polish something! get over here! it's me just being friendly with you! oh, hi, maria. just joking with mildred. >> but on "saturday night live," for example, could you ever have imagined a political sex scandal rocking america where the guy's name was weiner and he was sending photos of his wiener over the internet?

>> the worst is we haven't heard from his aide gary butthole. he hasn't admitted anything, but look at those pictures, you're, like, oh, gary. >> like christmas comes early when this happens. >> "saturday night live" is off for the summer. >> but for you guys, brilliant. >> just fuel to the fire. it's the best. i had tiger woods on the show and i said, look, i know it's been pain and anguish for your personal life, but as a comedian i've got to say thank you. because, i mean, the double entendres for golf and sex, holes, strokes, foursomes, balls. i don't have to write anything. >> texas scramble. >> they're not even jokes. they're just actual things. >> you have this remarkably free life, p happy existence. >> yeah. >> nothing bad seems to have ever p happened to you.

then i thought, that's why he's so happy all the time. that's why you're always smiling. >> yeah, i guess. of course bad stuff has happened to me here and there. but it's, like, i really don't embrace the bad stuff. i honestly purposely have not gone to therapy because i know some crazy stuff is going to be dragged up. i'll be, like, wait, what? >> instinctively your protective shield is comedy. you really don't want to answer that question, do you? >> no. i mean, i guess it is. i mean, probably if anything i'm irish catholic upbringing, i think it's probably that guilt thing floating somewhere. but i can relate with a bunch of people out there. >> even in other interviews i've read that you do, there's nothing really there to go for outside of your comedy. >> i guess not. that's not really my job. i had that attitude since i started. i go, this is my job, it's what i want to do. when the whole conan/leno thing

went down, same thing. my job is not to be serious, it's my job to make people laugh. my show is on at 12:30 a.m. >> i love that. >> eastern. >> love that. >> pick the weirdest time, tivo it if you don't watch the show, dvr it. if you have a vcr, good for you. let me show how it's still going. >> the whole conan/leno thing, the offer is you can go on at 12:01. it's not even tonight. how can -- "the tonight show" starts tomorrow. >> they said, would you mind moving an hour later? i said, yeah, of course. what time am i on now? are you kidding me? i'm basically on at 3:00 in the morning. i'm up against the slap chop commercials. >> i can't imagine anybody disliking you. i asked everybody about jimmy fallon. great guy, great guy. >> people have disliked me. you know, high school i wasn't the most popular kid. i wasn't the nerdiest kid. i was kind of in the middle. >> why weren't you that popular? >> i don't know. i don't think i had the -- i

don't know. i never had the -- i didn't want to go with the crowd. i just wanted to do any own thing. then i'd be friends with you and then friends with some gangbanger. what's up, buddy? how are you doing, man? what are you up to? i'm 16 he's like, try this, man. i'm friends with him and friends with the nerds who like math. i loved math. i was obsessed with that. >> were you drawn to the on absurd and the potential comedian always? >> i think so. my parents are both from brooklyn. they're very city people. they don't know how to drive. my dad has a license, but he's awful. and he taught me. so i'm second generation. >> why would anybody drive in new york any anyway? >> they don't have to. >> i don't get it. >> but once you move out, you have to be prepared for the rest

of the world so my dad taught me. now i'm just second generation. i'm awful. >> did you have a p happy childhood? >> it was so happy. me and my sister, gloria. very happy. my parents very entertaining irish people. very fun. my sister very funny and my grandparents lived right next door to our house, almost in our backyard but they had their own house. so they didn't live in a shack or anything. no weird backwoods story there. we fed them through a slot in the door. shut up! but they kind of helped raise me. so i would go hang out with my grandparents. i'd go to church all the time. i wanted to be a priest for a while. >> did you? >> yeah. i thought it was fun. i was thinking about it recently, i never thought about it until recently, it probably was my first time i was on stage, you know. because i was an altar boy and you go out and come back from the curtain and stand next to the priest and ring the bells and people are watching you. you go, oh, my parents would come watch me, come see my shows. he's the best bell ringer.

you ought to see him ring those bells. my baby is the best. >> it sort of confirms my theory that you were surrounded by love and happiness and comedy and all of this kind of thing, a strong religion and so on. most comedians i've interviewed have an element of something in their lives which has made them go into comedy. i mean, i interviewed sarah sifrlman, who was open about a very difficult upbringing. she was drawn to comedy because she got this sucker from an audience laughing at her and giving her warmth. and so many comedians i've met are quite tormenting characters pf yeah. i mean, there's probably some angle to me somewhere that's tortured or whatever, but i don't dwell on that. i just accept it, it happened or whatever, and i just move forward. >> i want to play you a clip of your first ever stand-up comedic routine.

>> hi, i'm jimmy fallon. welcome to the audition for the commercial. we need a star to sponsor a new line of troll dolls. first, mr. john travolta. thanks a lot. hair is really frizzy. like i don't know how you expect to sell these things. >> apart from the hair, which is outrageous, what do you think about that? >> the striped shirt. >> everything, the fashion disaster. >> i took that act, i had that act, that was my only act. i had -- someone bought me a troll doll for my high school graduation. they bought me a troll doll with the fuzzy hair. first of all, i don't know what i'm go to do with the troll doll. thank you for the present but seriously. i remember my mother heard about this impression contest on the radio and said, jimmy, you should enter this contest. it's at bananas comedy club. i know you do all those voices up in your room. >> did you love the buzz of laughter coming from people? >> i think it was the pleasing people kind of thing.

you told a joke and you got a laugh and it's like, that's cool. i got a good reaction. there's nothing like it. you know from doing "america's got talent," in front of a crowd. there's nothing like it, if it's a good bit, if you have a good quip and the crowd goes nuts, nothing like it. >> that's absolutely true. there's also nothing like a terrible black hole of when you do a quip and nobody laughs. >> yeah. that's -- the first time it happens, it's shattering. the second time, awful. third time, worst. fourth time, i can't believe this is happening. fifth time, you go, not too bad. sixth time, you go, this is kind of fun. then you kind of look forward to the silences where you go, i don't mind bombing a joke. i'll do a joke in the monolog that i know won't get a laugh. >> when we come back, we'll talk about "saturday night live" which obviously catapulted you into the stratosphere.

the president did assert the need to focus our national energy strategy on renewable resources. >> yeah, baby. let's get together and build some wind turbines. you know all they want to do is get blown. or, damn girl, we could build a dam, girl. >> that is cool, one of your signature slow jams. promise me one thing. >> yeah. >> at some stage in my life i can do that with you. >> please. >> seriously. >> deal. >> deal? i would love to do that. again, so simple, so funny. >> that was -- we did that in our very first show, slow jam the news without brian williams. we started out and did this, two

great writers write this bit, slow jam the news. then we did it and we asked brian if he would do it just brian williams, he's -- >> of course. >> so he said, yeah, i'll come down and do it. and now he's addicted. he's hooked because he's great at it. and he just destroys. it's just -- you know, he plays the straight man so perfectly. >> the big break for you obviously was "saturday night live." when you were growing up, i knew you worshipped the show, watched it all the time. >> yeah, that was it. >> when you discovered you had the possibility of being on it, what was that moment like for you? >> i think it was like -- you know, i actually auditioned for the show, i dropped out of school, college, went to l.a. to join the groundlings like the second city of l.a. improv group. i learned how to act with other people because when you do stand-up you don't know how.

i got to audition for snl and i did the troll bit, i did the celebrities impersonating -- endorsing the troll dolls. i would do bill cosby, the thing about the troll you take the -- and do whatever, you know. so i'd do the whole bit and i bombed. like you were saying, it was awful. so i was at the comic strip in new york city. bombed. tracy morgan got the job that year. two years later, they asked me back to audition again. they said, don't do the troll bit. we've seen that. think of something else. i did a celebrity walk-a-thon, a bunch of celebrities walking for charity charity. so i do jerry seinfeld, i say, isn't this great? why don't we all take a bus. we're all in the same place. why are we all walking? we're all going to end up in the same place, you know. so i do that. i remember doing the audition for snl -- >> did you do your deniro? >> i did not do the de niro. >> de niro is fantastic. >> excuse me? nope. okay.

okay. yep. nope. okay. he's my first guest on our show. >> you see that as your dark street because you're known he's renowned to be this terrible guest. i would love to have him on because i love de niro. when you watch him, it's torture for everybody when he does interviews. >> he doesn't like to talk. >> so you choose the guy when you get your massive gig for your first show and it's robert de niro. why would you do that? >> when you start a show, publicists, they control the actors, what publicity they do. so publicists basically run actors' lives and what they do in a weird way. so when you go out to publicists when you're first starting out, publicists are afraid of you. they're like, this show is going to probably flop. i don't want my client near a flop, on a sinking ship. so you have to call in friends and favors for the first week at least. so i had tina fey, justin timberlake. tina was like, i'll do the first

show, second show. whatever is the hardest to book, i'll do for you, buddy. don't worry about me. don't make me feel good by making me the first guest. so i wanted an a-list actor, someone from new york city. so i called robert de niro. i was, like, look, i've done charity things with him before. he was the coolest guy. nothing to promote, nothing to come out. really no reason to come on. he goes, okay. yep. i'll do it. yeah, i'll do it. the best guy ever. i'll never forget it as long as i live. he's the coolest human being on the earth. >> it's an amazing favor. i wouldn't care if he sat there and didn't say anything. he's robert de niro. >> he basically did. he sat there and said nothing. that's what i wanted. we recently had him on and played password with him because it's perfect because you only have one-word hints. i was, like, ha-ya! karate? there was the perfect gig. he's the best sport.

i remember we wanted u2 because i'm friendly with bono and edge. i've done bit was those guys. i asked them but they were doing a whole week on letterman. letterman just booked them for the whole week trying to go ahead against us, like who can get the better guest. what a bummer, they would have totally done me that favor. okay, who else can we get? and that's why the world works the way it works. just so happened that van morrison is in town. so it's de niro, justin timberlake, van morrison, first show. >> brilliant. >> just luck would have it, just the way it works. >> what really makes you laugh? >> i like -- of course i love comedians, any comedian. any comedian. >> what can make you laugh out loud? what kind of thing? >> british humor. i'm a big fan of chris morris

"the day today," mighty boosh. you know those guys? mighty boosh is really funny. we had them on the show and they didn't have their visa so they weren't allowed to perform legally. i don't know what that means. they couldn't perform on stage. they sat in their chairs. i did the secret policemen's ball five years ago in even gland. they did this bit, one is a very glam guy, one is very straight. have you seen this new hair dryer? he's, like, no, i haven't seen it. you must know the ads. >> no, i don't know. he's, like, come on. then all of a sudden they both start talking. oh, a stylist. walking around paris with the -- they do this whole bit and they did it sitting down, which is legal i guess. and, man, it killed, it it destroyed. i just loved watching that cross over to america because they're brilliant comedians. i love --

>> when you watch ricky gervais at the globes, say, you know where he's going to go. it's like having a shock for dinner. everyone is complaining. everyone knew what he would do. i found it hilarious. >> i think that's with everyone who hosts. they go, chris rock, he was so irreverent. i go, that's what chris rock does. what do you want billy crystal's act? he's the best at billy crystal. steve martin is the best at steve martin. >> i went to the emmys when you were the host, and what they really want is they don't want it to ever feel uncomfortable or nasty. and your genius that day is you were coming out with lots of stuff, just knifing people, but it all felt so warm and celebratory that everyone felt they could laugh. >> yeah. >> that's your trademark, i think, isn't it? >> i think that's my thing. i don't like to kick people when they're down. i like kicking people when you're up. i'll take care of you until you're up again. then i'll take a shot. if you're in on the joke, i know everybody can take a good joke,

that's the fun of it. i remember we had ted danson, i had to introduce ted, great guy, great sense of humor. i was, like -- they played the "cheers" theme. i go, ladies and gentlemen, wherever this guy goes, everyone knows his name, give it up for mr. tim dinson. he immediately got the joke. people are, like, what? tim dinson. the fact you screw up ted danson's name, that makes me laugh. we did a bit when i hosted years ago, i said, this next singer has a number one song, give it up for shakira pinkelstein. she lost the last name? give it up for shakira. those type of things where you're like, i gotcha. when we come back, i want to talk to you about donald trump and also about late night wars. >> beautiful!

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the fact is, the president clearly coordinated the secret cia mission, assassination and ensuing press conference specifically to cut off the end of my show, "the celebrity apprentice." so basically i killed osama bin laden. so congratulations to me, donald trump. thank you. you're welcome. >> he thanks himself. he says, you're welcome. >> donald is another one. i love him. i was on his show. >> yeah. you were great. >> but he's a magical character for you guys. >> i don't even understand what he is. he's so good. we did a bit on our show once where we had remote control boats and we were racing them. and he stood up with his boat and he was following his boat around. i go, donald, it's remote control. you don't -- you don't have to touch it. it's the idea of it.

you can stay here. that's the idea of the game. you don't walk with the boat. you know, he was, like, i don't know, jimmy, you know, my boats are beautiful, 24-carat gold, beautiful boobs on it, great, beautiful. beautiful boat. we played charades with donald trump and little john and nini leaks. it's the fun part about having a talk show. we're having this thing and little john is clearly doing a guy -- a woman giving birth. he's doing baby. i think it was baby talk. he's going like this. his legs are up. donald trump is going, round boobs, beautiful boobs, beautiful -- beautiful 24-carat, marble boobs. it's, like, no, he's clearly giving birth. have you never played charades? >> my favorite is donald on the show with a live audience. toward the end, everyone was loving it. he just turned to me and

everyone could hear him, by the way, don't worry, the ratings are going to be great. and you know what? they were. >> he was host of "saturday night live," god bless him, he's the nicest dude. we wrote in the sketch, just a bunch of comedians sitting around the table, writers meeting. he tells some joke, we wrote a joke about how his casino is failing in atlantic city. he was, like, and my casino is failing in atlantic city. he takes his glasses off and he said, mark my words, that casino is going to be number one in two years, to a bunch of comedians. we're sitting there, like, what? we don't know -- what are you talking about? we just are writing a joke. >> indisputably he is endlessly entertaining. >> he's a smart, smart businessman. he knows what he's dog. running for president, not running for president,

"celebrity aprentd is" goes up. >> of course. tell me about the late night wars. my perspective is i really like jay leno and i really like conan. >> me, too. >> whenever i've met either of them, they're unfailingly courteous, very fleiss to talk to, generous with their time and so on. i'm sure you're the same. so when you get a situation that arose in the way that it did and it creates this awful chasm between them, how do you feel about that? >> it's almost like watching your family fight. you go, well, if you're going to do it, get it over with and i'll be uncomfortably at the table. can i have more wine, please? pass the peas. >> where do you think the real problem lay in all of that? >> i don't know. >> almost a catalyst. was it as simple as when jay was number one nbc saying to him, you've got five more years, then you have to stop without thinking in five years time you might still be number one? >> i think that's bizarre in the first place. if you're number one, someone says, by the way, in five years someone is going to take your job.

i don't know what that means. like if i was jay leno, i'd be, like, what are you talking about? why in five years? that doesn't make sense to me. >> which is exactly what happened i think. >> yeah. but that right there, for me, i would be, like, that's an insult. to me. >> do you blame jay for anything that happened? >> no. i don't blame jay. i feel bad for conan because he wanted had his shot at "the tonight show" and i don't know if he got a fair shake. if he did, i don't know if he did. it's just too hard to say because he wasn't around -- he didn't get that much of a chance. >> i find it sad that those two guys no longer speak at all. >> i find it sad that no one speaks. i find it sad when pink floyd doesn't speak. i find it sad when simon and garfunkel don't speak. really? what is the deal. go sing "sounds of silence." it's going to kill. >> who do you feel most competitive towards? when you look at ratings or the publicity they're getting and think, that's annoying me? >> brad pitt. i hate that son of a bitch. he's so good-looking.

he gets the women. he's got the movies. i want to work with terrence malloy. where's my chance? >> are you a frustrated movie star in you've got the looks for it and you've had a stab at movie movies. >> i don't think i have the looks for the leading man. i could be a best friend that comes in, hey, you guys should get together. i could be that guy. i don't know if i'd be the guy. i tried to give it a shot. two great shots, "taxi" with queen latifah, which didn't do that bad. in fact, most people recognized me on the street from "taxi." it's funny to see how it's grown on cable because people actually like it. it's silly, ridiculous, but so is any movie. what isn't? i mean, "speed," that's a hit. come on. jumping over a bus with sandra bullock. it's just crazy. >> what i find about stand-up comedians or anyone who's done that is how you would ever have

the patience for movies. >> i don't like it. the fun thing about doing my show now is it's immediate gratification. instant gratification. where you do a movie, you have to be quiet, everyone on the set is quiet, no one is laughing. he's doing a comedy scene, everyone is trying not to laugh. they're not looking. i don't know if i am being funny at there point because there's no gauge. then you edit for two months, promote the movie for three months, six months later the movie comes out and the credit issues go, it sucks. that's half a year of my life and it sucks. at least on my show, if i tell a joke, the audience is, like, that sucks. all right, i go to another joke. take another break and then when we come back i want to talk about bad boys and your mate charlie sheen. >> duh! winning.

welcome gods and goddesses. i the sheen man have a show where i get to go around and pull the most bitchy pranks on droopy eyed trolls. it may melt your face off. what you working on there, dude? >> i have this report due next friday. hey! >> you just got sheened. >> what?

>> sheened! >> i mean, that was absolutely hilarious but you couldn't have had much time to prepare this. >> that's the fun thing about our show. we do it nightly so it's monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, every night we do a show. so if something happens in the news, if we can make a joke, we'll be the first one to get it. >> hard work because these sketches aren't easy to do. >> no. it takes a lot of hair and makeup, cindy lou and courtney are amazing. we didn't have a wig for charlie sheen, but i figured i really could look like him if i just move my hair down like this and just kind of like -- make a crazy face, you know? and he just kind of -- it's the crazy eyes. not quite johnny carson but it's gruffer. duh, winning! adonis dna.

>> is he winning? any part of what's happening with charlie winning, do you think? >> no. i don't know. i feel bad for him because i know he's funny. i know he's smart. so i don't know what's going on. if he's on drugs or pills or what's happening. i hope he gets off it. i hope he ends p up winning in the end. maybe he will off this, but i -- i i felt a little bit bad because it got out of control for me. i mean, the first couple of things were genius, especially as a comedian. you can make fun of it and do the "winning." then it got crazy for a while. i hope he figures it out. i think he's a great comedian. >> have you had a moment in your life, not charlie sheen-esque, but have you gotten into boozing, drugs any other pitfalls that follow comedians, entertainers? >> drinking is probably the closest i've come to doing anything, but this show, i can't drink as much as i'd like to because it's 9:00 to 5:00. >> you want to start drinking on a regular basis?

do a nightly show. especially a news show. >> you're screwed. but friday nights, i'm out there doing yaiger shots with my wife. it's -- my shirt's off. it's nasty. >> what's been the most excited you've been about a guest that's come on your show? >> bruce springsteen. >> he's your hero. >> he's the coolest. he's the one and only, the best. >> did he confound the theory that you should never meet your heroes? was he great in real life? >> i don't believe in you should never meet your heroes. it depends on who your heroes are. i met bruce springsteen, paul mccartney. they're heroes to me and they're great. springsteen, i did the emmy opening, i did "born to run," "glee-ish" version of "born to run." we asked him permission. he said, anything jimmy wants to do. that would be great. we did it and he liked it and he had to promote "darkness on the edge of town" box set.

amazing box set, by the way, if you get this. has a notebook with all his scraps and lyrics. amazing box set. so he didn't do any shows but ours. i used to do neil young. i did this impersonation of neil young on the show. i said, would you want to do maybe a duo with me as neil young singing willow smith's "whip my hair"? whip my hair back and forth" " " >> his manager calls and said, he wants to dress as young bruce. can you get him a if floppy hat. he'll take his "born to run" sunglasses. he goes, you got the floppy hat? get the floppy hat. i get the floppy hat and we do the whole thing. i said, also we have a wig for you, too. he goes, no, no, no wig. what are you trying to do? i don't want to wear a wig. i go, no problem. everyone leaves the room.

i said, bruce, try the wig on. see what you think. he goes, all right. i'm putting the wig on bruce springsteen, the most exciting moment of my life. give me the floppy hat. give him the floppy hat and glasses and he looked like bruce springsteen from 1978. he got up to see his manager. bruce has that bowlegged, tight pantds. went over to see his manager john landow, an amazing guy. i swear john landow had tears in his eyes because he was, like, this is what you looked like when i first started working with you. when are you going to see your client dressed 30 years younger? nobody will ever get bruce springsteen in a wig of the i guarantee it. let's take a break. i want to talk to you about marriage and politics. not necessarily at the same time. let me tell you about a very important phone call i made.

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call the number on your screen now... and find out about an aarp medicare supplement insurance plan. you'll get this free information kit... and guide to understanding medicare, to help you choose the plan that's right for you. as with all medicare supplement plans, you can keep your own doctor and hospital that accepts medicare, get help paying for what medicare doesn't... and save up to thousands of dollars. call this toll-free number now. hello? jersey shore. the jersey floor is all about the lifestyle, bros, brews, tats, tans, fist pumps, dry humps. it's like freaking paradise.

i feel like i'm home here, i can be myself, dance, dress the way i want. i get with my bros, i do shots, i tan and i drink. stds, that's what we call it. shots tan drink. >> what i find really -- >> when i interview actors and actresses, yesterday i interviewed an actress and she couldn't look at herself on screen. every time there's a clip of yourself, you've roared with laughter. that is encouraging. >> i don't mind if it's funny. i don't look at it like it's me. was it funny? was it good? i second-guess everything. if it's good, i like to see it again. >> how important is the love of a good woman? your wife? >> i would be nothing without a wife. she is the coolest, the greatest, the smartest, the funniest. i love her so much.

she's like the -- it's like your best friend for the rest of your life. you can call her up and, like, this happened to me, what do you think of this? she gives you good advice. or you go, want to see a movie? yeah, which one? i want to see this one. she's like i don't want to see that one. come on! those types of things, i want to go to this restaurant. ah, i don't care about restaurants. but i love restaurants. okay, let's do it. >> i think the trick is tolerance, isn't it? if you try to make the other person like you, it will never work. but if you're tolerant of each other's differences. >> i'm a fan of her and she's a fan of me. i like that she likes things, it may not be the same with me. same with her and me. she goes, i don't know why jimmy likes it, but if she does, let's go. >> is she a good critic of your work? >> yeah. she's got very high standards, very picky. great eye. she's a producer in hollywood. she works with drew barrymore.

the flower films is her company. >> does she live there? >> lives in new york. >> i finally thought i found a chink in the endless happiness of your life, and it was this story in "star" magazine. >> i heard about this. >> marriage split sensation. fallon disaster because he lives in new york, she lives in l.a. there was a spokesman for jimmy fallon at the end that says, there's only one slight problem here. mrs. fallon lives with mr. fallon in new york. >> do i have a spokesman? still i have to say "star" magazine is 95% of the time correct. so you've got to give it up for -- no matter what, i swear those magazines they're all right. they're all correct. that one -- >> can you still laugh even at stuff like that? you find it funny? >> i called her -- we found out it was coming ouflt i said, honey, we're in a lot of trouble. apparently we're splitting our time between -- do you have a home in l.a. that you're not telling me about? this is really upsetting to me now. she's, like, oh, my gosh. she's a fan of those magazines.

my wife loves "us weekly," "star". she reads all of those trashy magazines. why would you read those -- those -- oh, jessica simpson is getting -- what? she's on a diet. it's candy. you don't have to think. you just read and they're the best. they're rags, but they're the best things in the world. i love page 6, i love all of that stuff. i love gossip. >> can we expect any little fallons along the gossip. >> can we expect any little fallons along the way? >> i mean, there might be some right now. mildred, get over here now. mildred, get over here. what are you doing? mildred, you look so good. what are you, 675 america. you're so pretty. oh, hi, maria. just kidding [ laughter ] >> yeah, i would love to be a dad. i'd love to have kids. i think -- i love kids. >> how would you feel if you had a child with a nice sense of humor? >> it's impossible. they have to have one, right? i'm worried about living in an area where there's no sense of humor. i have to live in new york city. i have to live here.

because people are so funny. >> they are naturally funny here. >> when it's winter, they hate the winter. it's too cold. summer it's too hot. >> if we had one good day this year and i remember it. it was like four weeks ago. it was one good day. >> that was it. yeah, everyone, back to -- i can't talk about it. then next, can you believe how hot it is over here? you kidding me? you can't believe how cold it is over here? you kidding me? over wheming, right? >> talking about global warming, we're going to talk ice cream after this final break. >> please. ?@?@?@?@?@?@?@?@?@?@?@

♪

tomorrow is saturday and sunday comes afterwards i don't want this weekend to end. >> that was your late night -- steven colbert. i don't know what's going on there other than two table cloths have arrived and there's something to do with ice cream. >> well, here's what happened. steven colbert is my best friend for six months. i asked him to be my bff and that was too much for him. i offered him six months and he said yes. so six months ends august 3 so right now we're best friend for six months. bffsm. i have an ice cream flavor, ben and jerry's. a lot of people consider it the best ice cream ever existed. steven colbert brought ben and jerry's brought it with him. fruit stuff. whatever. it's unoriginal but it sweets and counts as ice cream. what i want you to do is maybe try both and see a blindfold taste test which one you think you enjoy the most. do you mind?

>> well, i feel unnerved by this but i'll do it. this is already feeling deeply uncomfortable. here we go. ready? >> so this is the first spoon. >> okay. >> feed it to him. >> yes, thank you. this is weird. >> all right. all right. go. describe it. >> it's sort of coffee yish, i would say. >> yeah. >> here you go. try this one. >> that's just crunchy and fairly bland. i'll have number one again. i'll have the first one. >> are you sure about that? >> yeah. >> unoriginal tool. [ laughter ] >> this is -- i'm so upset. >> don't feed him. take the blindfold off. this is ridiculous. the first one you had was that dumb american dream, steven colbert's ice cream. number two was late night snack. the first one you had was ice

cream cone with chocolate and vanilla. the second one you had was fudge-covered potato chips. >> we almost have exhausted the ice cream debate here. can you do what you're good at, please? >> yes. >> get that guitar and play us out. >> absolutely. >> with a bit of fallon magic. >> all right. this one i'll do -- i'll give you a taste. when i did as neill young and bruce springsteen. it goes like with my hair back and forth whip my hair back and forth whip my hair back and forth then bruce comes in and he goes. you going to whip your hair whip my hair back and forth going to whip your hair.

and the bob dylan is a different altogether. his harmonica's higher and he just kind of place one note and blows it out. so this is bob dylan doing the theme song from charles in charge, which is a television show in america. ♪ little boy in the neighborhood lives upstairs and misunderstood he says take good care of me like he's one of the family charles in charge, charles in charge charles in charge i want charles in charge of me