this is the part where you leave.

>> what on earth happened, frank? you know i was supposed to sit next to conan. >> well, it's for the greater good, valerie. >> greater good. please don't tell me it has anything to do with north korea, same-sex marriage, cabinet appointments. >> no, no. >> i'm not done, taxes, gun control, the middle east, cyber warfare, the fiscal cliff, pipelines, education, social security, iraq, afghanistan. >> look, valerie, it is not going to happen. >> well, then, i'm curious. if not me then who? >> he's the one who got fired from "the tonight show," right? >> yes, and then he moved over to tb. >> is that a real network? >> no, but neither is nbc. >> look, can't we do better than conan, like jimmy kimmel? we're trying to rebrand. appeal to the youngsters. >> look, i'm sorry, but conan is the best we can do. >> fine, as long as you don't put pelosi at our table. she keeps trying to friend me on facebook. >> congressman, we don't focus on the masses. we focus exclusively on an elite audience. that said, we'd like kim kardashian at our table. >> then i need to start wearing pants to the white house briefings. >> i refuse to wear pants until the president gives us more access.

>> do as i say and the president gets a kardashian. >> mike. what is your home address? >> why do you ask. send you the tickets, of course. >> send them to the office. >> nobody knows where he lives, congressman. we mail his paychecks to a p.o. box. >> oh, mike, no reason to be nervous. what's your home -- >> is valerie bad-mouthing me to the president? >> replay hazy. >> is she out for revenge? >> ask again later. >> look, i need you to -- >> look, frank, you want to talk about immigration, we can talk about immigration. tk about the budget. i'll even talk to you about jay-z and beyonce in cuba, but there are two things i don't talk about. covert operations and valerie's magical powers. >> my best friend. >> what's the problem? you two play basketball every tuesday. >> nerf ball, frank, nerf ball. >> we don't want the rest of the world to know that.

>> stenny, i'm willing to break you up if you get me tickets to the ravens game. >> i'm all out. how do you think i got elected? >> taylor swift at the verizon center backstage passes. >> now you're hitting me where i live. thank you, gentlemen, you are the coolest whips in town. you better beleib it. >> introduce me to ted sarandis at the dinner. i can't get my [ bleep ] netflix to work. >> i have three sources at the west waning saying valerie is on the warpath. >> you might say that. you can't possibly comment. >> is it true that you've been hoarding tickets to the dinner? >> where did you get that? >> ed henry. >> you mean mr. edtegrity. i've got to go. jeff zucker on the other line. >> how about i -- you tweet it and i'll re-tweet it. >> all right. >> done. >> i thought you wanted the immigration bill to pass? >> well, i did, but that stingy whore wouldn't give me the ravens ticket. >> this is so much cooler than the correspondents dinner.

>> a cross cope would be cooler than that dinner. you can't run for mayor again, mike. that will put anthony weiner in a pickle and he'll tweet that pickle. >> what do you suggest? >> president of the correspondents association. >> doesn't that position only last for a year? >> since when did term limits ever stop you? >> and you should know, mike. ed drinks big gulps. >> ed henry, kevin, i want him out. >> i'll make some calls. >> is that frank on the phone? >> let me talk to him. >> frank, it's charlie rose. tell me this, why did you cancel last week? >> margaret thatcher died. i was in mourning. >> how about next week? >> well, i'm already booked on the "today" show but doug will be in touch. >> okay. if i play ball, will you at least get bloomberg off my back? >> only if you give me your absolute unquestioning loyalty. >> that's a pretty big ask. >> 42 seconds during the dinner

to say whatever i want. >> take 45. >> washington and hollywood. some new faces. some old faces. some new faces on old faces, and do i sympathize conan and not just for that backstabbing leno but having to host. it must be so hard to write jokes about a town that already is one. democrats, republicans, the white house, congress. you all came together to make this spoof. that's what real bipartisanship looks like. i may lie, cheat and intimidate to get what i want, but at least i get the job done, so i hope some of you were taking notes. well, have a wonderful evening and i'll see you all at the bloomberg "vanity fair" party, that is, those of you who got an invitation. and mr. president, welcome to nerd prom. >> there you go.

it's where hollywood and washington meet, and you know what? there was some great production value in that. wouldn't it be great if washington could work together, as kevin spacey said, in real lives. want to bring in the ladies, nischelle turner and brianna keilar. what great production value. you can't write these things, more like washington than we dare believe. >> oh, it definitely, is and that's the thing that struck me, don. to a viewer outside the beltway there were many jokes in there that they are not going to get because a lot of them are like inside washington jokes for sure. >> and the funny thing is kevin spacey, we saw him a lot in, that and there were so many people on the red carpet tonight, don, when i asked him, celebrities, politicians alike works are you looking forward to meeting here tonight, and it was kevin spacey over and over again, and they all said, you know, he plays him a little too real, plays the killer a little too real so all excited to be here tonight, and he is one of the best actors in hollywood.

>> i loved the accent. wanted immigration to pass until that stingy hoya >> exactly. >> brianna, you do get a lot of southern accents, you know, in politics, and you hear it on the television where everybody kind of sounds like this. >> mm-hmm. you do. i will tell you though, you don't often get too many southern democratic accents these days. >> yes. >> that has gone by the wayside. he does play i think the democratic minority whip in the house, but something that has struck me, and you see it there, this -- many of the people that we've interviewed, don, are actors from television shows that have to do with washington. >> yeah, absolutely. >> bradley whitford of west wing alum and "house of cards" is very represented and we talked to julia louis-dreyfus. >> and also a lot of reporters there, washington reporters, guys from politico, you know, from the nation, a lot of reporters were featured in that spoof. >> absolutely. >> they were. >> and by the way, just a little

news -- entertainment news that we can break. i did asked bradley whit, i asked him specifically will we see a "west wing" movie because it's been rumored in hollywood and he told me no, because the last time the cast all got together they shot a bit for -- for one of the -- one of their cast mates sisters who is running for office, and he said when they got together, they just felt like it was like the old guys' club, and it didn't feel right so he does not think we'll see a "west wing" movie. >> all right, everyone. the president of the united states just introduced at the white house correspondents dinner. we go there live. >> thank you. thank you. how you like my new entrance music? rush limbaugh warned you about this. second term, baby.

we're changing things around here a little bit. actually my advisers were a little worried about the new rap entrance music. they are a little more traditional. they suggested that i should start with some jokes at my own expense. just take myself down a peg. i was like, guys, after four and a half years, how many pegs are there left? i want to thank the white house correspondents. ed, you're doing an outstanding job. we are grateful for the great work you've done, and to all the dignitaries who are here, everybody on the dais, i

especially want to say thank you to ray odierno who does outstanding service on behalf of our country and all the men and women in uniform every single day and, of course, our extraordinary first lady, michelle obama. everybody loves michelle. she's on the cover of "vogue," high poll numbers, but don't worry. i recently got my own magazine cover. [ laughter ] look, i get it. these days i look in the mirror and i have to admit i'm not the strapping young muslim socialist that i used to be.

time passes, get a little gray, and yet even after all this time i still make rookie mistakes. like i'm out in california where the fund-raiser having a nice time. i happen to mention that pamela harris is the best looking attorney general in the country. as you might imagine i got trouble when i got back home. who know eric holder was so sensitive. >> i'm don lemon. more of the white house correspondents dinner right after this quick break. girl vo: i'm pretty conservative. very logical thinker. (laughs) i'm telling you right now, the girl back at home would absolutely not have taken a zip line in the jungle.

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german engineering. right now lease one of four volkswagen models for under $200 a month. visit vwdealer.com today. for under $200 a month. ok, well, remember last week when you hit vinny in the head with a shovel? [chuckling] i do not recall that. of course not. well, it was too graphic for the kids, so i'm going to have to block you. you know, i got to make this up to you. this is vinny's watch.

now back to our coverage of the white house correspondents dinner. and then there's the easter egg roll which is supposed to be a nice fun event with the kids. i go out on the basketball court. took 22 shots, made 2 of them. that's right. 2 hits, 20 minutes. the executives at nbc asked what's your secret? so, yes, maybe i have lost a step. but some things are beyond my

control. for example, this whole controversy about jay-z going to cuba. it's unbelievable. i've got 99 problems and now jay-z's one. that's another rap reference, bill. just thought i'd let you know. of course, everybody's got plenty of advice. maureen dowd said i could solve all my problems if i were just minister of more like michael douglas in "the american president" and i know michael is here tonight. michael, what's your secret, man? could it be that you are an actor in an aaron sorkin liberal fantasy? might that have something to do with it? i don't know.

check in with me. maybe it's something else. anyway, i recognize this this job can take a toll on you. i understand second term node a burst of new energy, try some new things and then my team and i talked about it. we were willing to try anything so we borrowed one of michelle's tricks. i thought this looked pretty good, but no bounce. anyway. i want to give a shout-out to our headliner conan o'brien.

i was just talking to ed, and i understand that when the correspondents association was considering conan for this gig they were faced with that age-old dilemma, do you offer it to him now or wait for five years and then give it to jimmy fallon? that was a little harsh. i love conan. and, of course, the white house press corps is here. i know cnn has taken some knocks lately, but the fact is i admire their commitment to cover all sides of the story just in case one of them happens to be accurate. something my former advisers

have switched over to the dark side. for example, david axelrod now works for msnbc which is a nice change of pace since msnbc used to work for david axelrod. the history channel is not here. i guess they were embarrassed about the whole obama is a devil thing. of course that never kept fox news from showing up. they actually thought the comparison was not fair -- to satan. but the problem is that the media landscape is changing so rapidly.

you can't keep up with it. i mean, i remember when buzzfeed was just something i did in college around 2:00 a.m. that's true. recently though i found a new favorite source for political news. these guys are great. i think everybody here should check it out. they tell it like it is. it's called whitehouse.gov. i cannot get enough of it. the fact is i really do respect the press. i recognize that the press and i have different jobs to do. my job is to be president. your job is to keep me humble. frankly i think i'm doing my job better.

but part of the problem is everybody is so cynical. i mean, we're constantly feeding cynicism, suspicion, conspiracies. you remember a few months ago my administration put out a photograph of me going skeet shooting at camp david you? remember that? and -- and quite a number of people insisted that this had been photoshopped but tonight i have something to confess. you are right. guys, can we show them the actual photo? we were just trying to tone it down a little bit. that was an awesome day.

there are other new players in the media landscape as well, like super pacs, you know that sheldon adelson spent $100 million of his own money last year on negative ads. he's got to really dislike me to spend that kind of money. i mean, that's oprah money. you could buy an island and call it nobama for that kind of money. sheldon would have been better off offering me $100 million to drop out of the race. i probably wouldn't have taken it, but i thought about it. michelle would have taken it.

you think i'm joking. i know republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012, but one thing they all agree on is they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities, and, look, call me self-centered, but i can think of one minority they could start with. hello. think of me as a trial run, you know? see how it goes. if they won't come to me, i will come to them. recently i had dinner, it's been well publicized. had dinner with a number of the republican senators, and i'll add mitt it wasn't easy.

i proposed a toast. it died in committee. of course, even after i've done all this, some folks still don't think i spend enough time with congress. why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell, they asked. really? why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell? i'm sorry. i get frustrated sometimes. i am not giving up. in fact, i'm taking my charm offensive on the road, a texas barbecue with ted cruz, kentucky bluegrass concert with rand paul, and a book burning with michele bachmann.

my charm offensive has helped me learn some interesting things about what's going on in congress. it turns out absolutely nothing. but the point of my charm offensive is simple. we need to make progress on some important issues. take the sequester. republicans fell in love with this thing, and now they can't stop talking about how much they hate it. it's like we're trapped in a tailor swift album. one senator who has reached across the aisle recently is marco rubio, but i don't know about 2016.

the guy has not even finished a single term in the senate, and he thinks he's ready to be president. kids these days. i, on the other hand, have run my last campaign. on thursday, as ed mentioned, i went to the opening of the bush presidential library in dallas. it was a wonderful event, and that inspired me to get started on my own legacy which will actually begin by building another edifice right next to the bush library. can we show that, please. i'm also hard at work on plans for the obama library, and some

have suggested that we put it in my birthplace, but i'd rather keep it in the united states. did anybody not see that joke coming? show of hands. only gallup. maybe dick morris. >> stay with us for continuing coverage of washington's most exclusive party. there's a reason no one says "easy like monday morning." sundays are the warrior's day to unplug and recharge. what if this feeling could last all week? with centurylink as your trusted partner, it can. our visionary cloud infrastructure and global broadband network free you to focus on what matters.

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...and we inspected his brakes for free. -free is good. -free is very good. [ male announcer ] now get 50% off brake pads and shoes at meineke. now back to our coverage of the white house correspondents dinner. >> thank you, mr. president. and without further adieu i'd like to introduce mr. conan o'brien. >> thank you. >> thank you. thank you. please remain seated. that's not necessary.

thank you very much. please, mr. president. don't stand. that wouldn't be right. good evening, thank you. mr. president, mrs. obama, distinguished members of the press and bon jovi, yes, it's an honor to share this stage with the president. when you think about it, the president and i are a lot alike. we both went to harvard, we both have two children, and we both told joe biden we didn't have extra tickets for tonight's event. we also have something else in common, like the president, i too, recently got in some hot water by talking about a public official's good looks. it was the time i wouldn't shut up about that stone cold fox secretary of transportation ray lahood. oh, man. but president obama, he had some great jones. it was a pleasure watching you stand up here and do what i do, so now it's only fair that i get to do what you do. that's right, ladies and

gentlemen, for the next 15 minute i'll be mired in a tense dysfunctional standoff with congress. this is going to be fun. now right away i'd like to formally congratulate the president on his re-election. congratulations. >> thank you. >> us a all know, the president is hard at work creating jobs. since he was first elected the number of popes has doubled and the number of "tonight show hosts" has tripled. congratulations. and while i'm at it i would like to congratulate president george w. bush on this week's dedication of his presidential library. yes, the library has millions of books, articles and documents, and if you go, you can be the first to read them. you can't hurt me.

now, ladies and gentlemen, let's get going. right here at the start i'm going to share something with you pea, and this doesn't leave this room. i say this with absolute confidence because we're on c-span. who doesn't love cspan, seriously. c-span. it's an entire channel shot with the backup camera on a ford explorer. congratulations to c-span for winning the bid to broadcast this event. they narrowly beat out hgtv-2, qvc south america and the hilton hotel how to check out channel. that's right, the hilton. it's great to be here at the hilton. is it just me or is it time to stop using priceline to book this event? no, i lost hilton. i really love the hilton's motto. sorry, the radisson was booked. you know, i was worried that because of the sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a less prestigious hotel than the d.c. hilton, and

then i was told that that's not possible. but i do want to thank the hilton for accommodating us. they were kind enough to reschedule a cash for gold seminar. by the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar, that's been moved to salon "b" on the mezzanine, and if joe biden asks, there are no extra tickets for that either. quick announcement before we really get going, before we continue. if any of you are live tweeting this event, please use the #incapableoflivingin themoment. yes, yes, yes. also, too any u.s. senators here tonight, if would you like to switch either your dessert or your position on gay marriage, please signal the waiter. by the way, speaking of dinner, tonight's entrees were hall but

and filet mignon, or as cnn's john king reported it, lasagna and couscous. there's a governor here and i don't know why. here's a fun fact about tonight's food. everything you ate this evening was personally shot by wayne lapierre. don't worry, it was during a home invasion though. the fish came in through the window. that wasn't peppercorn. that was buckshot, ladies and gentlemen. incidentally, you may not know this but wayne lapierre is mere lit executive vice president of the nra, which begs the question how freakin' crazy do you have to be to be the actual president of the nra? he's not even at the top.

also, i'd hike to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with the seating chart. for a moment someone accidentally sat governor chris christie with the republicans. that awkward, and i apologize, very awkward. but speaking of tables, before dinner, i had a chance to ming. you probably saw me. i worked the crowd and shook some hand and sold my twitter account to al jazeera for $500 million. they will buy anything. but it is an absolute joy to be here at the white house correspondents dinner. last year tom brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and a-list celebrities. when i told tom i'd be attending this year, he said that's more like it. that shouldn't be funny to you. but this is really a star-studded event. this year you've taken it to new heights. i have to congratulate you, new height, because you've got some

of the guys from "duck dynasty" here. "duck stein city." the guys are only here which means only one thing, the guys from "storage wars" said no. i love "duck dynasty," but, guys, i really don't think your streisand whistle is gonna -- oh, my god. it worked, she's here. i always hate that had one. hey, as some of you know this is my second time speak at this event. i was last here 18 years ago back in 1995. a lot has changed since then. today you can get realtime information on world events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. back in '95 we called this george stephanopoulos. i can't see if george is here because there's a crouton in the way.

it's amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. think about it. if in 1995 you told me that in 2013 we'd have an african-american president with a middle named hussein who was just re-elected to a second term in a sluggish economy i would have said oh, he must have run against mitt romney. by the way, no offense, mr. president. i do congratulate you on your victory, but as a late night comedian i was kind of pulling for the rich guy whose horse danced in the olympics. the demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades, and i look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now. then my opening line will be buenos noches. [ speaking spanish ]

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now back to coverage. white house correspondents dinner. >> yes. all the washington news media here tonight, including the stars of online journalist, i see "the huffington post" has a table, yeah, which has me wondering if you're here, who is covering miley cyrus's latest nip slip? who is assembling today's top 25 yogurt-related tweets? seven mistakes you're making with bacon. that's a real one, and you should be ashamed of yourselves. by the way, just before dinner i tried to say a quick hello to arianna huffington but she made me watch a 30-second ad first. yes, a lot of online stars are in the room, but, unfortunately, matt drudge couldn't make it. yeah, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in

1997. of course, the washington print media is also joining us this evening. the print media are here for two very good reasons, food and shelter. you know, how are you? you know, some people say print media is dying, but i don't believe it, and neither does my blacksmith. you've got to meet zakaria. he's great. "newsweek" after 80 years published its last print issue, yeah. "time" magazine might be gloating, but they really shouldn't because "time" will outlive "newsweek" the way juliet outlived romeo. read the play. it's very smart. things are so tough for old media, this is a true story. reuters -- reuters is having its

after party right here at hilton because nothing says we're having a great year like having your after party at sa table where you just had dinner. with that in mind reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of their glass. and to the fair print media still has a big star in bob woodward, okay. got to give it up for bob woodward, yeah. earlier this evening a waiter asked mr. woodward if he wanted regular or decaf, and he said stop threatening me. also tonight, some of the big names in television news. when it comes to television news we have a divide media landscape. of course, fox news is watched by conservatives, msnbc by liberals and cnn is watched by the people who clean the offices at cnn.

oh, it gets worse. cnn's ratings are so low now when the logo cos up james earl jones says you're watching cnn? what the hell. i have to say in the past two years cnn has made some very odd moves. for example, they replaced the popular larry king with one of the scheming footmen from "dnton abbey." piers slides right into that show, oh, lord cranston. you'll get yours, lordianston. good to see my old friends at msnbc. msnbc's chris matthews is here. chris matthews has the only show where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens. by the way, during the boston coverage on msnbc last week chuck todd stopped a pundit from speculating on unverified information. there's no joke here. i'm just letting the people at

cnn know that you can do that. this is a learning experience. hello to fox news star bill o'reilly. bill has become quite the author. had two recent best-sellers "killing kennedy" and "killing lincoln," also wrote a book that was not so popular, "the natural peaceful death of cats." what were you thinking? the truth is bill o'reilly, this is true, is now working on his next book due out this fall. this time it's about the killing of jesus. it will be the first team in history jesus' death is blamed on obama care. two quick shoutouts to pbs and npr. pbs, yes, pbs. those pbs people love to party. guys, if you get lucky tonight.s wear a tote bag. it works. you've got to love npr. npr is still the number one source for news delivered as if

there's a toddler sleeping in the next room. ssh. nbc news is in the house. good lord they have had a rough governor it, huh? the "today" show let go of ann curry. after being told ann curry said let me get this straight. al roker tells the world that he crapped his pants at the white house and i'm getting fired. al's the reason there are no more tours at the white house. they are still hosing it down. brian williams is here. brian, i'm a big fan of your show, "rock center" brian williams. if you haven't seen this. this is great. imagine brian delivering the evening news on a different oohe building a little later with a slightly different tie. it's a mind-blower. you've got to check it out. but as i look around the room and i see all the media here tonight i realize this is all just one big high school cafeteria.

that's all it is. think about it. fox is the jocks, msnbc's the nerds, bloggers are the goths, npr is the table for kids with peanut allergies. [ laughter ] al jazeera is the weird foreign exchange student nobody talks to and print media, i didn't forget you, you're the poor kid who died sophomore year in a c crash. yeah. cheer up. we dedicate the yearbook to you. of course, probably the biggest story that people in this room covered this last year was the republican's failure to hard to believe the republicans didn't fare better in the election with the support of celebrities like ted nugent and meatloaf. i guess they overestimated the number of voters who still drive carpeted vans.

the republican party is on the mend. one rising star on the right is senator marco rubio, or as he's known in the republican party our black guy. yeah. by the way, as of today the u.s. senate has a record number of african-american senators, two, two. in other words, there are now more african-americans in the senate than in a mum ford & sons concert. thank you, younger people. paul ryan -- i don't understand. what's he babbling about? who's this man? paul ryan recently -- he really burst through last year when he ran for vice president.

after the election ryan said president obama was re-elected because of the high turnout of urban voters, then when he was asked how he liked his coffee he said no milk, no sugar, just urban. well, tonight i'm excited to announce that turner broadcasting is going to make a major television miniseries about the big power players here in washington. they just finished the casting, and i would like to announce who is going to play who. this is big. vice president joe biden is going to be played by bob barker. former white house adviser david axelrod will be played by higgins from "magnum p.i." this was also produced by steven spielberg, by the way. representative paul ryan will be played by mr. bean.

senator chuck schumer will be played by grandpa munster. senator harry reid will be played by the old man from the american gothic painting. fox news ceo roger ails will be played by boss hog. we signed the deal. speaker of the house john boehner will be played by tan mom. secretary of homeland security janet napolitano will be played by paul giamatti. former white house chief of

staff and chicago mayor rahm emanuel will be played by stuy from "family guy." secretary of state john kerry will be played by an easter island head. i cannot tell those two apart. supreme court chief justice john roberts will be played by buzz lightyear. senator mitch mcconnell will be played by dame edna. cnn anchor wolf blitzer will be played by a furby. nra executive vice president wayne lapierre will be played by the face melt guy from "raiders of the lost ark." and, finally, white house press

secretary jay carney will be played by ralphy fro"a christmas story." >> we thank you for watching. that's our coverage. have a great evening. good night. welcnew york state, where cutting taxes for families and businesses is our business. we've reduced taxes and lowered costs to save businesses more than two billion dollars to grow jobs, cut middle class income taxes to the lowest rate in sixty years, and we're creating tax free zones for business startups. the new new york is working creating tens of thousands of new businesses, and we're just getting started. to grow or start your business visit thenewny.com

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