haven't done. i played a fellow at 22. i'm about to play a fellow at 70. after that, i am playing hannibal. after that, i've been talking with mcqueen about a film. after that, running apart for me in the next black panther. after that, i'm going to do king leader. after that, i'm going to retire. >> could i be cast as -- sorry. all right. we are going to get a lot more of denzil before he retires. and finally before we go tonight, in case you missed it, the viral wheel of fortune mistake i couldn't let you end your day without seeing. >> i would like to buy you! >> you are going to get three u's >> i would like to solve the puzzle. treat yourself around of sausage! >> i'm sorry, that's not it.

>> i would like to solve. give yourself a round of applause. >> yeah, that's it. >> treat yourself to a round of sausage, everyone, or no! thanks for watching. anderson cooper 360 anderson cooper 360 is next. >> tonight on 360 the president-elect chooses a fox news host to be the defense secretary as he gets ready to visit washington tomorrow and also tonight a new report that the transition is weighing action to put the top generals under scrutiny and possibly recommend their firing and later an outbreak of anti-semitism at home and brutal violence atcs -- at sea. the appointments are coming pretty fast and furious and within the past our president elect trunk -- trump has chosen the defense secretary as pete

hegseth and will oversee 2 million active-duty and reserve forces and three quarters of 1 million civilian employees and a budget of nearly $850 billion and his current job as cohost of fox and friend weekend. he is a decorated army combat veteran as well as a graduate of princeton and harvard with no prior government experience in 20 minutes ago another announcement involving vivek ramaswamy and elon musk to head the new government department and reading from a statement, i am pleased to announce that the great elon musk working in conjunction with american patriot, vivek ramaswamy, will lead the department of government efficiency and together these two wonderful americans will pave the way for my administration to dismantle government bureaucracy\excess regulations and cut wasteful spending's and restructure federal agencies essential to saving the american movement in this said will become the manhattan project of our time .

all of this comes at the end of the day that saw new reporting on significant potential moves by the president-elect involving top military commanders and the headline reads the executive order would create a purge for generals and up and military review process and raise concerns about politicization of military. the journal got the draft which calls for the creation of a board of retired senior military personnel and empowered to review three-star and four-star officers and recommend removals of any deemed unfit for leadership and according to the report as commander-in-chief he could fire any officer that will been an outside board whose members he would appoint would bypass the promotion system signaling across the military that he intends to purge a number of generals and admirals. a transition team spokeswoman didn't comment on the draft order, but she did say americans gave him a mandate to implement the promises he made on the campaign trail. he certainly did promise action against certain generals.

>> you see these generals lately on television? they are woke. you may have a few people on top who are woke and we will get rid of them so fast. >> we have the real generals and the fake woke generals. >> we are getting tired of the woke generals. the woke generals should be fired immediately. we will fire the woke generals. >> are you going to fire those generals, the woke generals at the top you have been talking about? >> yes, i would get rid of them. >> they identifying them as cq brown junior as a potential target for the potential firing and he spoke about the impact the black lives matter protested had on him and what it was like as a black fighter pilot in this comes as the president-elect names more loyalists and tapping the former director of national intelligence john ratcliffe and

he chose kristi noem to be his new secretary of homeland security and also named the former arkansas governor mike huckabee his ambassador to israel and he is a hard-line supporter who almost designed -- denied the existence of palestinians as people. >> the really is no such thing and i would be careful saying this because people -- >> the president-elect travels from washington tomorrow to meet with president biden and also tomorrow the republican senators will meet to decide what has been a hotly contested race to become the majority leader and things are moving fast in the sources kaitlan collins is near mar-a-lago so let's talk about pete hegseth to run the pentagon. how big of a surprise is that? >> a bit of a surprise in terms of how quickly these are happening and he has long been on trump's radar in the two-time -- and iraq war

veteran with two bronze stars but much better known to the president-elect from his stint as a fox news host cohosting the program on the weekends and i remember when trump's office the first time he debated with making pete hegseth the head of the department of veterans affairs all the questions at the time whether or not he could be confirmed because he doesn't have any government experience. that is something that will be a reaction that we see on capitol hill and even some lawmakers not knowing who he is. i think that is a big question over what that confirmation process is going to look like because he has obviously been tapped to what is now the government's biggest federal agency as you noted with a massive budget and millions of employees at the department of defense. trump has made his choice and similar to others, ardent defenders on fox news and it was in that clip you are playing where they questioned him about the woke generals and that was pete

sitting closest to the camera. i have been talking to people. i have heard his name a few hours ago from one source and i did check in with some others who said that can't be real and that isn't right and i have not even heard that 24 hours ago. that could give you some insight on how quickly this came together, anderson, which may not be entirely surprising given how this whole process has gone. >> you talked about elon musk and how he has been there since the election and what are we learning about he and vivek ramaswamy leading this department of efficiency? >> this isn't a surprise because elon musk had talked about this when he was out on the campaign trail in pennsylvania and i was at the rally in new york where he talked about it as well and what they call it is the department of government efficiency and any federal agency created would have to be approved by congress and there is no sense of that happening here so this is a real genuine agency but currently what they

have been seeking to do is cut costs and federal spending and staffing inside the federal government. i think there are real questions tonight about what that will look like and it says it is being led by elon musk and vivek ramaswamy. one question i have had over the last few weeks is we have heard them talk about $1 trillion in cuts and when you look at how much money the federal government has spent in the last fiscal year close to $7 million or $7 trillion and 5 trillion of that is gone to healthcare and social security and veterans so they if they are cutting the trillion they wouldn't be able to do that without dipping into that. i think there is a real question of how this works because obviously spending for agencies is approved by congress and the president and not by outside groups and we have been told elon musk isn't joining the federal government per se. i still think there are a lot of questions over what exactly this will look like but he

clearly has had a lot of influence on this transition as he has spent a lot of time with trumpet mar-a-lago. >> it's interesting they are calling it the department of government efficiency as if it were like the department of defense or the department of education with the department of interior. it won't be like a department like that but it will be these two guys and whomever else and they won't go through any confirmation process, are they? >> no. there is no confirmation because there is nothing to be nominated to and it's not an actual government agency. and i will leave it to others to talk about the irony of creating a government agency as they are doing to cut down on government staffing and spending, which is the goal but i think this is an effort that should speak to the amount of influence that outside players are going to have on what the second trump term looks like when it comes to elon musk and vivek ramaswamy in this sense and it's been something he sought

to do any pledged to cut federal spending when he was in office the last time it didn't happen in the deficit when up. this is certainly one of those wait and see what it looks like moments and how it plays out. >> governor kristi noem was confirmed as the pick for the department of homeland security secretary and that is a huge department. and that seems surprising. >> i just want to tell you about this because we publish this story about 1:00 in the morning last night. i heard she was picked and trump called her and told her she was his pick and most people think immigration and that is what we have been talking about but dhs is a huge agency that oversees fema, the coast guard, secret service, cyber security and it is a sprawling agency and it obviously has hundreds of thousands of employees and a huge budget as well and the people i spoke to even in trump's orbit were shocked this was the name he had gone with and there was a lot of

internal up for today and it wasn't clear that the statement he just put out confirming she was his pick was going to happen and i learned a little while ago that she was going to be his selection but we did talk about the confirmation process here because trump has 53 republican senators and it doesn't seem like it will be all that difficult but there are questions for people like kristi noem and pete hegseth in these massive agencies and some questions that republican senators will have for them in their publications -- qualifications in their views of such a huge post. >> tune into the source at the top of the next hour when her guests will be john bolton and here is jeffrey toobin and a strategist and also michael singleton and the former illinois congressman and him -- adam kinzinger and your reaction to pete hegseth as president elect trump's choice

for defense secretary? >> it depends. it is obviously weird and only one reason he is doing it because he is on fox news and that is what he picks on and i know pete and i have not talked to him recently but i know him and particularly prior to his life and fox news and he is a very smart guy when it comes to things like defense policy and i remember his last deployment to afghanistan he was actually putting out this newsletter he would do every week or so filling folks in but the question is what kind of pete hegseth will show up ? this one or the one on fox news who was loyal to donald trump and that is why he was picked . the whole reason it is called department of government efficiency and not like efficiencies are is because the acronym is doge which is doge coin and that is why they did it and that is how serious they are and this is signaling and it's kind of strange.

>> yes. on the pentagon, can you put into perspective how vast and complicated the pentagon is and how difficult the department of defense is to run? >> it is massively difficult especially for somebody who really doesn't have experience in running an organization like that. my guess in my prediction here is they are putting pete hegseth up to stir the pot and probably is you guys are talking about prior to fire a bunch of generals and really bring the culture wars stuff front and center and there is nothing wrong with changing the culture of dod if you say we need to do better at recruiting but when you turn it into a culture war and make it work -- more republican versus democrat it is dangerous for dod but running an organization that is $850 billion with operations around the world , i mean, you better know you are doing because you will get swallowed up in that bureaucracy. >> what you make of these, paul? >> first, actually mr. trump

won the election. i do believe and i worked in the white house that the president should have a wide berth to put together the cabinet they want and need to run the country and i mean that and i hope they will defer, the senate. almost every new president gets almost every one and there will be one of flakes out. >> do you have any doubt that a republican controlled senate -- >> not much but somebody could flame out and theoretically should they. as you were talking with adam, these are enormously complicated departments and homeland security was put up after 9/11 and other agencies and it does immigration and counterterroris m. it does all the tsa and all of the things in this governor has no experience in any of those things and 1400 miles from the mexican border and a

great state in the entire state has 8500 state employees and she manages and she will manage 260,000 in the same with him who service seems impressive. and again it's his first job in the government this watching the running an agency with almost $1 trillion budget at 2.8 million employees if you add guard and reserve and civilians in active-duty and thousands of nuclear weapons but it is his prerogative. >> ultimately the concern is are these the people who you want running these very important agencies that deal with terrorism and deal with the posture around the world and oversee the nuclear arsenal and are these the people that will really take this responsibly? will be learning on the job and at a moment that is in complicated ? what signal

does this send to america's enemies. >> can i say something about the department of government efficiency and basically it feels like it will be part of the white house staff and that is fine and the president is allowed to hire whoever he wants and it's not a government department as he said, but there is a very boring and important blog called the administrative procedures act that governs how the government moves along in terms of changing how it worked. it does require a lot of hoops to be jumped through and if you want to get rid of part of a government department or you want to change the structure of the department of education, the department of the interior. you have to go through all of these steps. like it or not, these two entrepreneurs will have to start learning that and following it and it will drive them crazy. we will see how much they actually do and there have been a lot of attempts to make the government more efficient. al gore did it and there was something called the

grace report back in the reagan administration. it is a lot harder than it seems. >> michael, what you make of the changes? >> i am actually a bit open-minded about vivek ramaswamy and elon musk and we wasted a significant amount of money in our government and i know there is a lot of criticism about how much should the government mimic a private business or publicly traded company . we need a little bit of that and we need to streamline it and technology could potentially replace a significant amount of people and we have too much bureaucracy. i am curious to see if their advisement to the president and working in tandem with congress could potentially improve some of those things and i take the point about the laws making it difficult and they will work around that and i suspect they will and as it pertains to pete a harvard guy in 20 years of military service with two tours, i think he will be fine and i was a bit surprised about kristi noem and kaitlan reported there was

internal disagreement but i would preferred sunday with military or intelligence background leading dhs and we will see how she does in terms of being confirmed by the senate. but everyone else i think the president elect is moving in the right direction, but i am really honing on this government efficiency and we have to improve the way our federal government works and i think a lot of presidents have tried and none of been successful. can they move the needle? that could be beneficial in terms of the american people. >> we will take a quick break and continue for this conversation and talking about setting up a review board for admirals and generals and we will visit a woman who attacked the capitol and talks to the people who have been praying for their release and to see if she expects to get released. we will be right back.

♪ ♪ with so much great entertainment out there... wouldn't it be easier if you could find what you want, all in one place? my favorites. get xfinity streamsaver with netflix, apple tv+, and peacock included, for only $15 a month. the breaking news tonight is late nude trump cabinet picks and a government cost cutting office will be created called doge and back now more with the panel. we talked about

the wall street journal reporting at the top of the programming that they are considering a draft executive order to create a board to potentially purge generals in the military and what is your reaction? >> it is creepy. the thing is, this was a board that would be like hey, we want to get rid of generals who maybe don't have the trust of their troops or something along that line, that would be one thing but it will be basically a culture war stuff and, again, i think it is important to point out that there has been some cultural stuff in the dod that has been acidic in her recruitment . there is nothing wrong with saying let's level the playing field and make sure the best people are in the right spots because dod, frankly, has the history of promoting the wrong people based on what they do on their school work versus the trust of the troops but it does sound eerie and it sounds like the focus will be on the board

to make dod more republican instead of more efficient and that is a huge concern because dod has got to stay a bipartisan agency and when this gets politicized, it is dangerous. >> it is interesting because there was reporting in the past because of trump being surprised to generals are not pledging loyalty to him but not even pledging loyalty to the country and pledging it to a constitution a piece of paper and does the prospect of doing this send the right message at this point in the transition? >> if you want to purge people i want to do it because they are not performing at the levels that they are performing and adam alluded to this and i wouldn't get caught up in a personality test and we do have a recruitment issue in a military that we have to address. the military needs to focus on being stoic and there are issues across the globe right now. some of these cultural issues that we have seen and introduced have no place and i agree we don't want politics in a military and whether it is republican or democrat it is irrelevant and

readiness should be at the forefront and the ability to do the job and do it well should be at the forefront and if you will purge individuals not meeting those metrics i'm absolutely for that. >> still it's the attorney general and talk about that. >> the attorney general is unique because there is a dual role and on the one hand here she is part of the cabinet. and an advisor to the president. he or she will decide with the president will we spend more money to enforce the border or spend more or fighting organized crime and those are policy issues. but currently he also decides home to prosecute. that is a role that has been very separate from the president. there are in fact rules in effect. they are not laws, but there are rules about whether the office of the president can communicate with

the justice department about prosecuting individual people. what president trump has said is he wants those two roles to be one role. that he wants to be in charge of who gets prosecuted. that is something unprecedented in modern american history. richard nixon tried to do it. it was one of the reasons he was forced from office, trying to politically manipulate who gets prosecuted and who gets the taxes audited and that sort of thing. that is the real fear that if the president -- the president elect takes over the justice department deciding who gets prosecuted in the white house as opposed to the justice department that would be new and scary. >> with any business person coming into government there is always an ethics concern and anybody coming into government, it does seem like elon musk is in a separate category in this

administration. >> i think he is in a separate category. the conflicts of interest already are legion. he is a government contractor providing an enormous amount of things for the government right now so the fact that he will be going in and cutting people and departments that regulate him and his businesses is problematic. let's look at his track record and what did he do at twitter and now x and he completely gutted that and it remains to be seen what he does in the federal bureaucracy but let's not forget that he did come in and all of the republicans around him came in with a promise to basically got the administrative state as they call it in to get rid of government . this is been a long-standing goal of republicans. some republicans will say that is what is needed a radical change, a good thing. but a lot of these people

don't have the experience to know what they should be cutting or shouldn't. these are not people with government experience but it really does beg the question what will we be left with at the end of this? >> you will see purity police everywhere and it's not simply conflicts of interest but who is loyal to the dear leader and we have seen the first time. it is a one-way thing and a one-way street so some of these people pledging fealty to them today like many people did in the last year. >> they are weak leaders beyond that and they will already be week because they don't have any experience and they won't be able to push back . >> you have been a washington figure for a long time and you need experience to run the department of defense? >> it is kind of a big deal and it is unspeakably large and so very big and you need a lot of different kinds of experiences. i really admire the military service of pete hegseth, but it would have helped if he knew more about the bureaucracy of

capitol hill or international relations are these things. but almost all of these people i am ready to give them a fair shot but worried about this reporting that everybody will be tested for their purity to the dear leader than i am for this or that nominee. >> thank you so much. up next the possibility of the january six rioters and pardons and will he deliver and we check in with a wry at her and grandmother now in prison was convinced trump will pardon her and hear we will play part of my conversation with will reeve whose parents both died when he was 12 and 13. we will be right back.

in a new interview the

republican congresswoman marjorie taylor greene said trump should pardon all the january six rioters and believes he absolutely will in quoting her, a lot of these are ridiculous charges. they didn't kill anybody in the only people killed were ashli babbit and a few other protesters there that day and they didn't kill anyone or rape anyone. we should say that four police officers died by suicide and another died of natural causes a day after responding to the attack and more than 1500 trump supporters were arrested are awaiting word from the president elect and what is likely to them the most important promise he made on the campaign trail. >> my question is on those rioters who assaulted officers would you pardon them? >> absolutely i would. if they are innocent, i would pardon them. >> that was in july in a month earlier he said he would consider pardons on what they would consider a case by case

basis. we have more. >> today was amazing. i woke up to the rightful president back in a spot and today after 828 days we are going to raise a glass to president trump. >> this is the mother of the rider who was shot and killed by capitol police on january six. >> mama mickey we love you and we are so grateful for you bringing this freedom family together. >> it is the night after the election and trump supporters have gathered here as they have every night for the last 800 nights outside of the washington dc jail. >> reporter: how did you feel when trump won last night? >> i knew it meant freedom for our guys. i was overwhelmed, thankful, and i know that god

heard our prayers. >> reporter: were you emotional? >> yes. >> reporter: the january six inmates call in to talk to the organizers nightly. >> this journey has finally come to an end with the election of president donald j. trump and i couldn't stop crying last night that you guys are finally going to get pardoned and you are going to be set free. all of this will be behind us. >> reporter: trump has repeatedly promised to give pardons to some people serving time for their actions on january six. >> now we have to continue to put pressure on the president to make the right decision and i do know he will. but i also know my president understands trust but verify. >> one person that hopes to be pardoned is rachel powell. >> reporter: how do you feel

when you watch this? >> you know, i think i am more numb when i look at this stuff. it is like surreal to me. look how angry i look. >> reporter: i met her in january of this year right before she was going to go to prison for crimes she committed on january six while protesting what she believed was a stolen election. >> reporter: have you ever had a moment where you are like, maybe i am wrong? maybe biden actually won the election? maybe i am the conspiracy theorist? >> no. not at all. >> reporter: rachel and i stayed in touch throughout the year. >> i need to be home with my family. >> reporter: rachel has eight children ranging in ages from 8 to 28 along with seven grandchildren. we spoke to three of her older daughters, ada, rebecca, and savannah. >> reporter: do you miss your mom? when was this taken?

>> this is in the prison and this is gideon, me and my husband. >> the only thing i could think of when i heard that trump won the election is that my mom is coming home and she will be able to come home now and we will have my mom back. >> she is so excited and so happy. >> reporter: there mom was found guilty of engaging in physical violence and destruction of government property for breaking a window at the capital with an ice ax. >> reporter: you ever wish , mom, i wish you didn't go to dc that day? >> i feel like that is a pretty normal thought to have when there are so many consequences to these actions and ultimately she supported something she believed in and she is our mother. we do support her in whatever she decides to do. >> i don't blame her to go or in going but maybe she could have been a little more restrained with the ask. >> reporter: you are not of the opinion that she went

washington dc chasing a conspiracy theory and chasing a lie? >> no. >> she had a strong belief and she wanted to support it and we all share that belief that it was definitely stolen in our opinions. >> reporter: you are certain he will pardon your mom? >> yes. he will keep his word and he will pardon her. >> reporter: while we were there, she called from prison. >> when trump won, it was amazing. i knew that is what the american people wanted and i had no doubt. but as of but he knows i believe there was election fraud last time so i wonder will we have a fair election this time? it appears we did because trump got elected. >> reporter: do you think you will pardon you? >> i know he will pardon me. >> we are now joined with jeffrey and the author of a

book scheduled for release in february. what is the transition team saying about pardoning these people? >> they told us that trump will take those pardons on a case-by-case basis but as you saw in the piece the people who were outside of the jail for every night for more than 800 nights, they expect them to pardon most if not all of these criminals, these people convicted. if you think about it, trump and the maga media has spent the past four years trying to whitewash what happened at the u.s. capitol on that day trying to say that all of these people in prison are political prisoners and being persecuted unfairly. for him not to do this will put him in a tough spot. >> dozens of police officers were also injured. is anything stopping president elect trump from just pardoning them all? >> zero. the pardon power is unusual in the constitution and most of the power has some sort

of check and balance on them in the pardon power directly replicates the power of the king of england with absolutely no limit on who he can pardon or when he can do it and it can't be challenged in the courts or challenged in congress. he can pardon people who haven't even been charged yet and the fbi is still looking for people in this. and he could say they are off-limits just as gerald ford said to richard nixon you are pardoned even though you haven't been charged with a crime yet. >> there are some of these people who have multiple year sentences, very long sentences. >> yes. there is a bit of debate that says anybody who touched a police officer or attacked a police officer should not be pardoned. there are people talking about it in those terms. but if you go back to some trump supporters they will say the only people that did bad things that the u.s. capitol that they were the

police or nt for -- and to for -- antifa supporters. >> the people in prison for the most part of the people who beat on the cops. 1500 people were arrested and 750 were never sentenced to prison in the first place. many of the lesser people have served their sentences and are now home. only a few hundred are still in prison. they are for the most part people like stuart rhodes the head of the oathkeepers serving 18 years and the head of the proud boys serving 22 years and will trump pardoned them too? that is why when you start getting into the facts of these individual cases, it is pretty ugly. >> rachel powell and that piece, she obviously attacked

the capitol -- the u.s. capitol with an ax and she thinks she didn't lay a hand on anyone so should be pardoned. >> coming up anti-semitism in the united states and wanted posters for jewish faculty in new york are just the tip of the iceberg. we will have more details in a moment.

authorities in amsterdam say they are bracing for more anti-semitic violence after attacks on football fans last week and last night this train was set on fire with the people shouting anti-semitic slurs in the trolley car went up in flames with people arrested. new images show jewish faculty members and upstate new york targeted by so-called wanted posters of the weekend criticizing faculty members for

their alleged response to the war in gaza and officials say the point of the posters was to intimidate. we have more on the rise of anti-semitism and some of this what you will see is disturbing and difficult to watch. >> reporter: anti-semitism on full display in livingston county, michigan with masked men waving flags and shouting anti-semitic and racial slurs. >> they were sticking their arm up and saying hail hitler and hail trump pick it was sickening. >> reporter: this was saturday near the american legion post and at the time they were showing a theater production of the diary of anne frank which tells the story of a jewish girl who hid from the during the holocaust . one witness told the affiliate wxyz that many people inside were so afraid that they had to be escorted to their cars. >> they have that much hatred in them and it makes no sense to me. >> reporter: sheriff's deputies arrived and the news

reported that demonstrators left after they were told to vacate the parking lot. the theater company issued a statement saying in part, the presence of protesters outside give us a small glimpse of the fear and uncertainty felt by those in hiding. >> it is no coincidence that this vile demonstration happened during a performance about this young girl whose story has come to epitomize a kind of heroism in the face of evil. >> reporter: this isn't the first time michigan has seen such a. in july white supremacists marched about 45 miles north of detroit with faces covered in fines in their hands some shouting hail hitler and this was the scene in nashville, tennessee five months before that. as masked men marched through nashville displaying fought stickers the member of the tennessee house of representatives took notice.

>> they are having a marked -- a nazi march talking about deporting folks and hatred. >> the global jewish community is on high alert because anti-semitism is a pandemic that seems to be sweeping countries all over the planet. >> the antidefamation league says since the october seven attack on israel there have been 10,000 incidents of harassment and violence against jewish people around the world which is more than a 200% increase over the period prior and there are growing fears about anti-semitism in the city of amsterdam where anne frank hid in the attic for more than two years and in july a statue of her was vandalized with the word gaza splashed across it in red paint. just this past week

fans of an israeli soccer team were attacked in what they condemned as an anti-semitic attack and before the match some is really fans chanted anti-arab sentiments and later pro-palestinian protesters charged fans and what is been described as a hit-and-run attack with dozens injured in more than 60 people arrested. >> randy joins us now and did they say why they think there has been this uptick in these attacks? >> they didn't say exactly why, but they do say it started well before the october seven attack on israel and in fact they started to see this shift in 2016 and in 2019 these incidents hit a record high and they have been going up every year since then and the ceo of the antidefamation league told me today that in the last decade they haven't seen a 900% increase in incidents involving harassment, violence, vandalism and targeting jewish people around the world.

>> next, a preview from a new episode of my podcast and my guest is the son of superman actor christopher reeve and dana and will reeve was 12 when his dad died in two years later his mom died of lung cancer and we will talk about what he calls his long journey to grief. that is coming up.

in an all new episode of my podcast all there is is out now and you can point your camera at the bottom of the screen at the code in this week's guest is the son of christopher reeve best known for starting the superman movies in the 70s and 80s, will reeve but he was dad to will reeve and his siblings and he was 12 when he died of heart failure after living for a decade after a riding accident living paralyzed and a year and a half later his mom died of lung cancer at 44. we

started by talking about the loss of his dad. >> he was injured before my third birthday so i had about nine years with him in a wheelchair but the love my dad showed me in the short time we had together has sustained me until present day and probably way beyond. and he died a few months after my 12th birthday and i remember walking into the hospital. the first thing i saw was my dad in the room with a bunch of doctors and nurses around him doing chest compressions and somebody took me into a room. i could hear my mom next-door in the room with my dad wailing. and then eventually she quietly walked in the room and told me that he was gone and that i should come with her and walk in and say

anything that i might want to say to him. and she said he could still hear you. and i remember saying, dad, i love you. and i will always do whatever i can to make you proud. and then i walked out into the waiting room with all my family and thus began a great long journey into grief. a little over a year later my mom died. she didn't smoke and i don't think she drank much. and yet there she is with lung cancer. and then in march of 2006, she died. i didn't want to face it. that is so final. i might have been young, but i wasn't too young to know how catastrophic that could be, that was. that was the low moment of my life. so far.

>> did you grieve? >> no. i learned pretty quickly that whenever i didn't seem like i was grieving, people remarked how strong and adjusted and tough, et cetera, i was. the stronger and happier i seemed, the better i was received by the world around me. >> people like to see that. >> yes. it makes them feel comfortable and safe. grief is weird and scary and a little yucky, right? part of what i learned as i have tried to wrestle my own grief down to size and understand it better and have it serve me rather than fight me is you need to push on the pain points and you

need to work at it. you go to the gym to get strong and you read books to get smart. you have to go to the dark places in your own way in order to bring light there. and the one thing that will be destructive is if you ignore and pretend it doesn't exist in the wound will be there in the whole is there and whatever you call it and whatever you want to identify it as it is permanent and that is okay. it is because you can heal there and live a full meaningful life with the wound. >> you can listen to all of my conversation about will reeve and the new episode all there is is now available wherever you get your podcast and also point your camera at the qr coyo