hey, america. i'm jane lynch. you may know me from a little thing called "glee." tonight is not about high school kids and show kids, it's about me taking on my dream guy, cable news host. is that okay, piers? >> really? >> while he tries to form the question, i'll tell you who is with me tonight. joan rivers, comic legend. who they are wearing and what were they thinking. i have to ask joan about this moment from "joan and melissa." >> i'll take it. >> i don't know what she's smoking but i'm sure it's not tobacco. >> mary matalin on this race and the gop and women's rights. only in america, the olive garden review making an

80-year-old woman an internet food sensation. one night only, "jane lynch tonight." good evening. the big story tonight. i'm guest hosting while piers is away. as a guest host, i am entitled to my own banner. cnn plasters these all over the place. let's get the jane lynch one up and running. there it is. thank you very much. it's good to be a host. now, before piers went away on vacation, he tried to offer me some advice. >> what does it take to be a guest host on "piers morgan tonight"? huge shoes. >> i am size 11. i have huge shoes. anything else you would like to add? >> don't get too gleeful, jane. it's a temporary job. >> we'll see about that, piers. we are going to have fun this evening. joan rivers is here. i'm so excited. so is her daughter.

melissa is waiting. >> i hate "glee." it's not like my high school. i went to a jewish high school. it was a different thing. the teachers say yeah, you can sing, but you're jewish, go to school and work. >> they are happy. they are gleeful children. >> not my high school. sit in the corner fat so. >> i'm thrilled to see you. my first question, i'm going to state at a statement. let me tell you why i think you are funny today. you allowed your comedy to evolve as you evolve. it used to be how you couldn't get a day, and now how your private parts are falling. why is my bunny slipper so gray. >> i was sexually harassed i thought, but he was looking at my shoes.

if you are not current, you become a grand old comedian. things happen right away. you start talking. like snooki, thank you, god. when she became pregnant. >> she is a gift, isn't she? the pregnancy, too. >> the gift that keeps on giving. my first line was, i said even rick santorum said time for an abortion. but some you can't say. i get through everything with comic. everything. >> i know. that's what i love about you. >> it's worked for me. when whitney houston died, terribly sad. i have one joke i cannot -- >> please tell it. >> i have not said it out loud yet. it's too soon. i said i saw whitney at the grammys and she looked beautiful. she was in mahogany from head-to-toe.

it's a great joke six months from now. six months from now. >> not appropriate right now on this show. no, no, no. >> not appropriate now. >> that's what i love about your comedy. being a creative person, you can't jump to the result i will offend people. >> never. >> you can never do it. kills it. >> on the red carpet, what if you immediate meet these people? that's not my job. my job is say what i think, not worry what they are going to think, what the audience is going to react to. >> do you ever feel bad? >> terrible. terrible. >> deep down inside you are a nice person. >> not that deep. shallowly. with you, we went over what i said about you over the years. >> i would love to hear it. >> you are like ellen degeneres on steroids. little things. you have to say what you think. it's the first thing.

>> you have to. it can't be something you are censoring or shaping in the moment. that's why i love improv so much. >> you have said that you are an actress first in your movie, a piece of work which i so enjoy. i saw it twice. >> did you pay? >> i didn't. it was handed to me, sorry about that. >> when they say i saw it twice, i go good, ka-ching. >> no, i get everything free. you are an actress first and do comedy to subsidize your acting. i would say because you are such a funny person with access to the dark side and you make light of it that you are a great actress. when you are out there doing your thing, you are a great actress. >> not me, but any comic, if you go back over don's career, look at his movies. he's acting. you cannot say the same lines every night in your act.

you are repeating them. it's an acting assignment. >> you have to give the element of the first time. >> do we understand each other? >> look at robbin williams. he's got some of the most -- >> brilliant. >> really, really good. you take straight actors, if you will. they stare off into stage. they can't do comedy. take meryl streep, al pacino, they are hilarious people. >> meryl streep, so adorable when she does comedy. when they say, you have probably said this, when the camera goes, i'm an actor. no you are not. you have breasts. you are an actress. >> i say actress. i don't have a problem with it. gender neutral. >> i'm an actor. >> i think the s.a.g. awards, they do this where they zoom in and they go my first role was in

gypsy. my name is so and so and i'm an actor. but girls should say you are an actress. >> it's okay. >> are you into politics? >> not at all. hate them. >> i kind of do, too. i used to love watching cable news shows, now they drive me crazy. why do you hate it? >> first of all, the the joke is, the obama's are the white people now. they have two children in the white house. the others have 1,000 kids. >> 1,000 marriages. >> santorum gets in, he has to live in a shoe. >> he home schools them, too. they are going to hang around the white house. >> remember, i think go to work and work on the country for two years. they have been campaigning for two years all of them. >> it's crazy. it would be really strange politician who doesn't plan for his re-election the moment he gets into office. i know, it's no way to run a country.

obama is not paying attention to the country now. >> pay attention, we are in trouble. >> he is. >> no, he's not. he's having a good time on motorcades in new york. >> he's almost completely gray. >> they all age. >> they do. >> they get in the white house and say you have to sit down. now we are going to tell you what's really going on. [ bleep] are you kidding? you are making a joke. >> the republican primary is forever and who cares. it's a weak field. >> the issues are wrong. abortion issue, if you don't have a uterusuterus, i'm not interested. >> i don't want men tells us about contraception and health. >> pay for your viagra. 36 hour erections, i can't take it. these poor old wives, in and out. in and out. they are going to set them on fire. >> they spend so much money on drugs to keep 70-year-old senators hard.

>> i know. >> back in the day, you couldn't talk about sex and abortion when you were a stand-up. your comedy had to be about i can't get a date. >> i talk about it in my movie. on the ed sullivan show, i didn't carry cute, i carried a big, fat tent. >> i love it. >> i couldn't say i was pregnant on television. i had to say we are going to hear the pitter patter of little feet. >> didn't you say jack lemon walked out? >> he was in shock. >> those days you went for a appendectomy. >> she had several appendectomies. that's right. finally, she married the doctor. >> i know you don't like to be spoken of in the past, you are an icon and legend. you are very, very current. you have paved the way for others.

i think they are fantastic. >> cathy is so smart. >> and they love you. they all love you. >> three of the four. i am still paving. i don't want to see the "d" at the end of that. at this age, you can say what you want. the only good thing about age, the only good thing is you can say what you damn please. what are you going to do? fire me? walk out? they walked out. >> it's empowering to get older? i'm 51. i definitely feel more empowered than 35. >> i'm 78. i say to my audience, you will get a show and a death. you will have dinner table conversation. >> yes. >> i was there. you were there the night it happened? i was there.

she was out cold. didn't move, we thought it was botox. >> this is something i came up with when i was researching you. you played a lesbian in a play and you were playing with barbra streisand in the '50s. that is insane. >> it wasn't written for me. they couldn't get anybody. they got barbra streisand still in high school. >> pre-funny girl, right? >> pre-funny girl. preanything. she didn't know she could sing. she's not attractive. she could walk across the street and not look to the right or left and be safe because she was see. she's beautiful. >> we have to take a break. something about advertisers and money. stay there, we'll be back with joan rivers.

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i'm sorry, i always think angelina is amazing and gorgeous. she ruined the whole thing for me with the working of that prosthetic leg. it's a fake leg. i got it. yes. here it is. >> every friday on e joan is on fashion police. i'm jane lynch filling in for piers morgan.

my best guest ever is here. i'm with joan rivers. >> you are the best. you were the first. >> you miss being on the red carpet? >> not at all. not at all. melissa and i, we invented it. nobody wanted to do it and we did it. nobody wanted to do it. "the new york times" said it's grammatically incorrect. >> it started with the two of you? >> nobody wanted it. someone said they made walking into a building an event. now, you can't say anything about anybody because the pr person won't let you have their next guest. you said something about gwyneth. i found myself the last time we did it begging the stupid pr girl pleading saying my birthday is coming up, i'm an old lady. let me have i forget like matt damon.

she gave him to me as a birthday gift. then you go, i'm out of here. i'm going out of the gift room and as long as winona ryder hasn't been there, there's a lot of gifts left. >> sarah palin came to some events and robbed. game change -- >> was that great? >> she went through the gift thing and took everything. i thought the movie was amazing. julian moore did a great job and woody harrelson is good. i thought it was amazing. i wonder if people are wondering if that's how it happened? >> read the book. we were talking barbara streisand. she was a high school kid. he played the the lead. i said make them lesbians. they couldn't get a guy to play it. i became a lesbian lover. >> you kissed her?

>> smack on the lips. she was a, a great kisser and b, at 16, it was all there. all the talent, all there. >> isn't that something? >> yeah. >> when you are 16 someone looks at you and thinks you have it all. >> no, i was a late bloomer. i never got any job first. i got my first talk show because nell carter didn't want it. they said try joan. i got on the late night because bill cosby couldn't do it. i always get it with a negative. who's going to watch. >> i have done a lot of understudying where you are in the right place at the right time accidentally. >> broadway bound. neil simon. he wouldn't pay for me to come in. i had to pay my own way. it doesn't matter. you have to want it so much you don't care. >> i'll wear a diaper. what do you want?

i just want to work. >> i was doing a commercial for sex, bingo it's called for women. should we use a pill or cream. who cares, give me a check. finally, i said put it on a cracker, i'll eat it, i don't care. i'll do anything. can't have ego in our business. >> no, you can't. i say i will work for$1.50 and a steak. i love you so much. you are walking through a horrible backstage area, it was stinky. it smelled terrible. then you are in a room full of people, a bright light, you pick up a tool with leather on it. it's ripped to sleds. 40 years in this business. >> i work there once a week when i'm no new york.

>> you still do? >> yeah. isn't that terrible? there's no dressing room. elaine may -- >> i know, i love her. >> they say where is your dressing room. they took a closet and put a mirror up. that's it. this is the dressing room. they get it. the broadway people get it. >> she does a show -- >> oh -- >> she's amazing. she lives in the carlisle hotel. she takes the service elevator down, changes behind the bar and goes out and does the show. >> the tragedy is nobody is looking. wait until you reach my age. the people, the sound people say could you put the mic in yourself. >> i guess you have said things about me on the red carpet. i think jane lynch of "glee" looked gorgeous. she got the dress from the big and tall shop.

here's me hosting the 2011 emmys. >> look how great you look. >> the shots make me look wide. >> who doesn't look wide. we are women. we have childbearing hips. i hate the ones that come out, does a tampon make me look heavy? i hate that. all their fingers smell of vomit. they are too thin. >> a lot of them are. >> all those stupid tattoos with kids names, she looks like a milk carton. >> didn't look so good. i'm not skinny and ill health. speaking of thin like thin skin, you dish it out. >> yeah. >> do you have thick skin? >> no. >> of course you don't. >> they give it back to me all the time. >> does it hurt your feelings? >> of course. >> does it hurt your self-esteem? >> of course. what self-esteem. >> is that an act?

>> i have no self-esteem. no man ever said i was beautiful. >> i am a lesbian and i know beautiful women and i think you're beautiful. >> a lot of the good that's going to do for me. >> do you have a twin brother? >> i don't. i think you are gorgeous. you put your make up on first thing in the morning? >> yes, i do. >> important days someone comes over. other days, i don't think any celebrity, if you walk out, people are going to see you once and want to see you looking good. i was a little girl in sax fifth avenue in an elevator with my mother. a movie star came into the elevator and she was a movie star. i still remember it. she was dressed and looked and she looked at my mother and said ugly child.

>> she did not. >> no. oh, what a pig. is it yours? >> speaking of is this yours, melissa rivers, yours -- >> yes. >> joins the fun. we can't way to see what she has to say about her loving mom getting high. >> uh-oh. [ kate ] most women may not be properly absorbing the calcium they take because they don't take it with food. switch to citracal maximum plus d. it's the only calcium supplement that can be taken with or without food. that's why my doctor recommends citracal maximum. it's all about absorption. oh! [ baby crying ] ♪ what started as a whisper ♪ every day, millions of people choose to do the right thing. ♪ slowly turned to a scream ♪

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what kinds of verbal conduct might be problematic? >> once i had a boss come in and say oh, i had a sex dream. >> who was it? >> i'm not telling you. >> was it oprah? >> that was joan and melissa rivers from "joan knows best." mother and daughter are with me. welcome. >> thank you. nice to be here. >> i understand it's actually called "joan knows best?" with a question mark. >> i insisted. we were calling it zwron knows best there has to be a question mark. she doesn't always know best. again, we difr on this particular topic. but i say we're going to put the question mark. it's only fair. >> it's funny. the mail we get, the daughters all say melissa you are right the way you treated your mother.

the mothers say you are right the way you treated your daughter. it's where you are standing. >> mothers and daughters come together. >> i got one your mother does need to leave you alone a little bit. >> this is the reality tv question. how much of it is really your life and how much do you plot out and say in this segment we are going to do this and tra tha? >> ours is 85%. honestly. we made them keep the cameras on longer. i was coming off a documentary. we said have the cameras roll. you can't say be funny and things are going to happen. >> we always get that question. there are a lot of conceits in reality shows. for example, my break-up, which aired two episodes ago, they followed me in realtime. that was a hard decision to say let the cameras run. >> yeah.

>> yes, the one thing i said you cannot show is my son's reaction and my son handling it. >> he's a doll. >> he smells now. he's 11 and a boy. >> they start to smell bad around 11. >> close their doors. >> you don't want to think about what's going on. >> it's an example of people watching it happen in realtime. because it unfolded so publicly and i was finding out information via the internet it became more compelling. you saw how it happened. that was very real. >> how does it make you feel to know everybody witnessed that humiliation? >> i didn't have a choice. it got out there before i got ahead of it. >> i think it helps -- more people feel sorry for you. i think it's wonderful. >> let's talk about humiliation. my mom taking pictures of me in the shower. there are different levels of humiliation. have i grown up in this business? yes.

>> it leads me to this question, your mother asked this of you in the movie, she is compelled to be in this business. she has no choice. why do you choose it? are you as compelled as your mother? >> i don't know any other way of life. their offices were in the house. i wasn't handed off to nannies. when i went off to college, i was going to be in advertising. that lasted about one year. i knew too much. you can't watch tv. you know too much. you see too much. you know the real stories. you see someone getting interviews, please, i know who this person is. i don't know another life. >> the career became your siblings. >> we call it the career. >> still. now, when you say the career, it's very much -- >> no, no, no, no. >> no one flushed today. >> that date book of yours is

full, right? >> i call mine the career. when we talk about our branding, we call it the joan and melissa. it's like there's a third person in the room. i wouldn't know. i wonder with cooper. he was on the red carpet at 6 weeks old. >> let's see the two of you getting high together. >> that is bad. that is one of those -- >> i'll take -- >> you're not sucking it in. >> 40 years ago. >> hello. >> you have to come get us. we need you. >> i don't know what you guys are up to. do not go anywhere. mom, get in the car. i'm ashamed of both of you shut up.

>> tell me what we just saw. >> you just saw i had to pick up my mother and her friend because they were no longer capable of driving safely. they wanted food. >> of course they did. >> they were being annoying. when you are the designated driver it sucks. >> you are driving around the two idiots. my mom kept touching me. they want to change the radio station. i finally got them home and thought they were in bed, they were in the backyard. they were by choice in the hot tub. >> in our clothes. which i love after a certain age. >> i got yanked in. >> it was great. would i do it again? no because you eat. >> you eat unconsciously. >> it's like taking an ambien and there's food in front of you. >> things come from online that you don't remember ordering. >> god bless qvc.

>> my mother's favorite station. she watches it 24/7. this is a question piers morgan asks all his guests. >> try to do it with an accept. >> have you ever been properly loved? how many times? >> that's a good one. >> properly. >> the full on, the great love of your life. >> no. >> thank you. could you keep that to yourself? >> the great love of my life was the man i met afterwards. one leg, war hero from world war ii. lost it in world war ii. somewhere in france. it was a tree. i was 16 when i met him. it turned out to be amazing. amazing. >> how long were you together? >> until -- about 10 and a half

years and he cheated on me. >> that was it? >> at that age. he was over 80. hopping with one leg and hopping to another woman's room. >> how about you melissa? have you ever been properly in love? >> i don't think so. i don't know. >> i think you would be able to say yes if you had. you are in the sting of a break up. >> i have been divorced. >> were you in love with your ex-husband? >> when we met, yes. after all these years, we separated when my son was 9 months old, we are friends again. >> is he an active father? >> yes. >> thank you so much for being here. we have to pick up. >> she liked my ex-husband. i can already hear the phone call coming. >> it would be nice if they didn't have to share the child.

>> know who you are having a child with is my advice to everybody out there. thank you so much. from reality to a reality check. militia me luck, i'm going head-to-head with mary matalin. in just minutes. s now it's quicker and easier for you to start your business... protect your family... and launch your dreams. at legalzoom.com, we put the law on your side.

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we feel like the states that are coming up are states that

are by and large going to favor us. we are going do well in those states and the race with take a different way. >> welcome back. that was a confident rick santorum heading into tomorrow's contest. he's talking politics and so am i with republican strategist mary matalin. we'll talk to her about keeping america great. >> well, jane, you keep america great. at least you keep my kids entertained for many metrodomes at a time. >> good. >> thank you for sitting in with piers. welcome to cnn. >> did you come from a conservative family? my parents were liberal. >> we were kennedy democrats. we were daily democrats. so, that was the same thing. like, you were a daley democrat or a kennedy democrat. today, i support the daleys. i'm a fan of rahm emanuel who is

the chicago mayor now. it was catholic, irish, kennedy. we didn't say conservative or liberal. we worked in the steel mills. my mother was a hairdresser. i became a conservative when i started reading and paying taxes. >> a lot of people do when you get into the real world of making money. growing up, my grandmother had a photograph of the pope, mayor daley, jfk and the priest on the dining room table. we have very much of the same background in that respect. let's go to what's going on in politics. santorum won saturday. we have a few contests tomorrow, alabama, mississippi, hawaii, american samoa. do you have any predictions? what's going down for the republicans in this primary? >> he who predicts ends up

eating glass, as we say. everybody on the ground is saying mitt is closing. romney is doing better than anticipated in the south which aggravates me now that i live in the south. southerners are people too. but, it's split the same way that all the primaries and caucuses have been split. in this case, they are saying one-third, one-third, one-third. it is kind of interesting that mitt is closing with the velocity that he is. we'll see tomorrow. it's not going to end tomorrow, i'll say that. >> yeah. the thing about romney, he's not a southerner. let's play the clip. you don't have to be a southerner to win. i find this clip fascinating and comical at the same time. let's play that. >> governor said i had to say it right. morning y'all.

good to be with ya. i got started right with a biscuit and cheesy grits. delicious. >> unlike one of my competitors, i have had grits before. >> no, he's not a southerner. it's not a problem. he's not the most relatable guy, it doesn't make him a bad guy or unelectable. i think it's his inability to stick on an issue from one day to the next. the conservative folks don't trust him. do you think if he becomes the nominee, it looks like he probably will, the party will be able to unify around him for the general election? >> let me say, i never had grits before i moved down here. i would advise him not to put cheese on his grits. they are tasty enough. grits and biscuits and gravy. you have to draw the line somewhere.

i'm confident. i'm not aligned in this race. i am a conservative and i am confident the support and unity will be there for whoever the nominee is, including romney. in every single caucus and primary we have had so far, this tension between electability and purity has been on the ballot, so to speak. electability has won every single time. what might not unify us philosophically, opposition to your candidate is a mighty force, jane. a mighty force indeed. >> it really is. i love your optimism on that. when we come back, i want to talk about what your life is like with your husband, james carville and other topics related to the gop. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] this is lawn ranger -- eden prairie, minnesota.

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ask your doctor about cialis for daily use and a 30-tablet free trial. i love the front-runner, mitt romney. i know he looks like a president but we don't always get the job we look right for. if we did, i'd be the king of the snakes.

>> of course, that is -- >> that's my man. that's my man. >> that's your man. he's great. you nailed something with your husband there. >> dennis miller once said james is the oil snake man that looks like a snake. that's my man, look at him. there he goes. looks just like him. >> he's adorable. he gets cuter as the years go by. >> the "snl" guy, not james. let's clarify. >> actually, i was speaking of james. bill is a good looking guy as well. when i first started watching cable politics show, the first show i watched and got hooked on was "equal time." i thought you girls were amazing. it was like hanging out with two smarter girlfriend who is knew what was going on with polarized views.

you loved each other. you marry to the raging cage. it was a bitter time in politics. do you have advice from having friends on the left and a marriage with two children that works with a democrat for our splintered political system? it gets worse every day. >> no, i don't have advice. people tend to say or think about politics for our marriage is a faith. i tell you, we have bigger fights in our marriage than we do over politics. i respect his politics. he's not right, but not being right doesn't make him the wrong man for me. you just have to respect where the other guy is coming from. i was 40 and he was 49. we got married. i'm a conservative. he's a liberal. stop with the hairdos already.

i can't take it anymore. >> you were getting your beautician license back in politics, is that true? it was a big -- my mother was not allowed to go to college. i was the first girl that did. it's just -- the way it was. i loved beauty school. i loved being a koztologist. in campaigns you are trapped and can't leave. i would cut everybody's hair. it's good training to have. >> good. you made yourself useful. waitressing, i did a lot of that. i want to thank you so much. it's a joy to meet you, a south side girl. if i ever get to new orleans, you'll give me a cup of gum bow. >> jane, you have so many fans

out here. seriously, i cannot tell you. the only thing i've done in the 13 and 15 years of my kids life is talk to you. thank you for giving me a moment of nondor kiness. >> thank you for talking to me. i don't know much about this stuff. you are a great mouthpiece for the right. >> you're a great advocate for the south side. i haven't heard that in a long time. you go, girl. >> you, too, girl. >> take care. coming up, only in america, an 85-year-old food critic goes to the olive garden and becomes an internet star. everyone is talking about her. now you can meet her. it's coming up.

>> well, every night, piers likes to do a segment called "only in america." well, i'm an american and tonight i have an "only in america" story to tell you about. only here in america could an 85-year-old food critic become an internet sensation. marilyn haggerty column on the olive garden column in grand forks, north dakota, has gone viral, making her an instant star. it's a big surprise to her. marlin joins me now. hello, marilyn. >> hello. >> how does it feel to be the most famous person in grand

forks, north dakota. >> well, obviously it's overwhelming, it's wild, crazy. it's all of that. >> good. it's fun one time in a person's life to be so popular. >> well, yes. it just seems like it's a dream. it doesn't seem like it's real. it seems like something that i'm just sort of can't -- i'm going to wake up and this didn't really happen. >> yeah. i'll bet. well, let's give the folks a sampler of what we're so excited about here with your review. it's a straightforward review of the olive garden. you called it the largest most beautiful restaurant in town and you wrote at length, i asked my server what she would recommend. she suggested chicken alfred doe and i went with that. instead of rasberry lemonaid she suggested, i drank water.

why not the lemonaid, marilyn. >> because it was a very cold day. about 20 below outside. and somehow the thought of lem main aid didn't appeal to me. but maybe on a hot summer day i might be interested. but lemonaid in the winter. >> i know. but that's something you said you would go back and try it at some point, though, i read. maybe in the summer? >> yes, yes. >> now, your son is a reporter for "the wall street journal" and he told you that the review had gone viral. what was your response? >> yeah. well, yeah, i had heard it had gone viral and i didn't really understand what that meant. so i asked him and he had to explain well, mother, it's like if you have a virus and you're sick, and i said oh, so that's what it is. so whatever. it's fine with me. >> yeah.

whatever. i love that. you've been a food critic for a long time. so this is just part of your job, except that now it's much bigger. a lot more people are reading your work. >> yes. and i don't consider myself a food critic. i consider myself a reporter and i'm telling people what they can find and what it will be like and how much it will cost. i'm not really dissecting the meatballs or the shrimp. i'm trying to describe restaurants. >> yeah. you're just being a guide. and that's really useful. i know you've been doing it for decades and i know you ear a very busy woman. you have a bridge group that you have games with. it sounds like you have a really, really full life and it has been my pleasure meeting you and speaking with you today. >> where he will, thank you. well, thank you. >> you bet. let me know if there's anything on that menu i should try other

than the chicken alfredo. >> i'll keep that in mind. have you ever been to an olive guard season in. >> i sure have. i haven't had the chicken alfredo. but believe me, that's next. and the raspberry lemonade anytime winter or summer because i'm in california. >> oh, in california it would be fine. but here i didn't go for it at that time. >> und. thank you so much for speaking with me, marilyn and i wish you the best. >> thank you. >> well, tomorrow cnn's coverage of the alabama and mississippi primaries, not to mention american samoa and hawaii begin at 8:00 p.m. eastern. and wolf blitzer will be here for the last word on all the voting at midnight. that's it for jane lynch tonight. i want to thank piers morgan for giving me a chance to y