with a history of problems. >> still on 30 seconds. >> in the line of fire. >> sudanese warplanes are streaking in and we have just seconds to find cover. >> an incredible firefight caught on tape. a little humor. >> i had a lot more material prepared, but i have to get the secret service home in time for their new curfew. >> oh, yes, he went there. so did comedian jimmy kimmel. the best of their barbs and what you need to know for the week ahead right here, right now on cnn. hello, everyone. i'm don lemon. thank you very much for joining us this evening. tonight, trauma in the middle of a sunday drive. an suv flies off the road in new york city and lands 60 feet below into the bronx zoo. seven people are dead an as our susan candiotti reports, three were children. susan. >> reporter: it was a beautiful sunday afternoon and then something went terribly wrong.

police say they are still investigating what caused a woman driving an suv to suddenly lose control of that vehicle and go sailing over an overpass and down about 60 feet. here's what police pieced together so far. a woman driving the suv, along with another woman, an elderly couple and three children inside ages 5, 15 and 3 all driving down the highway with seat belts on. the woman lost control of that suv, hit a concrete barrier in the middle of the highway, made a hard right turn apparently losing control, crossing three lanes of traffic going in the same direction. she hit a curb and then another barrier, a fence and went sailing over the overpass going out about 60 feet and then about 60 feet down. the suv flipped over and crushed everyone inside. authorities say they don't know what caused the accident at this time. they are looking into several

possibilities and investigators at the scene say it's one of the most horrific things they've seen. susan candiotti reporting in the bronx, new york. >> all right, susan, thank you very much. we just got an update from police on this crash. they now say that the children's ages were actually 3, 7 and 10 years old. and just so happens that this stretch of road is the site of another deadly accident. back in 2006, six people were killed in almost the exact same spot. cnn radio steve kassenbaum say they have inspected it before. >> this bridge was one of several new york state that were determined to be functionally obsolete and the structure was called in question. when we looked deeper into the meaning it doesn't mean that the bridges are necessarily unsafe but it means they don't meet

today's standard, contemporary standards so these bridge, in other words, needed to be brought up to date to meet today's safety standards and this particular portion of the bronx river parkway, this bridge that this vehicle went off of today was declared in 2010 to be functionally obsolete. >> as of two years ago federal statistics showed that about 25% of new york state highway bridges were classified as functionally obsolete. it was on a sunday just like this one almost one year ago the country learned that the most wanted man in the world was dead. the news broke during this very show that u.s. forces had killed osama bin laden in pakistan. i want to bring in cnn's john king, the host of "jk usa." what do you know. >> we've been told by several sources that the president of the usdz will announce in moments that the united states has the body of osama bin laden, that osama bin laden has been killed and that the united

states is convinced that it has the body of osama bin laden, the mastermind of 9/11, the architect of al qaeda. >> so i asked spider marks if we're more secure one year later. >> well, we are safer, absolutely, don but i think it's important -- we've heard a lot of an lit ticks on this that it's not a time for high-fives and upon the execution of that mission by the s.e.a.l.s last year, nobody took -- nobody took a breather and said this is wonderful and did victory laps. >> it is one of the great american tragedy, the assassination of robert f. kennedy but now there is a new account. sirhan sirhan was sentenced to life as the lone shooter but his attorneys are hoping for a new trial now. among the evidence they may present is a story told by nina rhodes-hughes, that's her on the left. she was there at the ambassador hotel the night kennedy was shot and in an exclusive interview

with cnn she says there's part of the story the fbi has ignored all these years. >> there were more than eight shots and interesting that you read whatever the fbi issued everybody said eight shots, not. i wish there were some recordings of me that night where i know i did give an interview to someone with a microphone where i said there were at least 12, maybe 14 and i know there was because i heard the ribbon in my head, you know, and i know the first two or three shots i wasn't aware as i said i thought they were flashbulbs. what has to come out there was another shooter to my right and robert kennedy was also to my right where sirhan sirhan was almost straight ahead and a tad to my left standing on some steel raised platform and that there were two shooters. that must come out and who they were. it must come out who the other shooter is because there definitely was another shooter. >> rhodes-hughes was never

called as a witness in the original trial, but she says she just wants to get her story out. 20 years ago tonight a jury verdict in southern california triggered some of the worst riots this country has ever seen. three of four white police officers charged with the rodney king beating were acquitted. the jury deadlocked on the fourth. los angeles erupted in violence almost immediately before it ended 54 people would be dead and damage would total nearly a billion dollars. i had the chance to talk with rodney king and he took me back to the exact spot of the beating 20 years ago. hear his memories of that later on in this broadcast first we need a little levity, don't you think. take a listen to this. >> i had a lot more material prepared, but i have to get the secret service home in time for their new curfew. >> yes, the president went there and more on the best of the barbs from the white house correspondents' dinner next.

not in this economy. we also have zero free time, and my dad moving in. so we went to fidelity. we looked at our family's goals and some ways to help us get there. they helped me fix my economy, the one in my house. now they're managing my investments for me. and with fidelity, getting back on track was easier than i thought. call or come in today to take control of your personal economy. get one-on-one help from america's retirement leader.

(female announcer) most life insurance companies look at you and just see a policy. at aviva, we do things differently. we're bringing humanity back to life insurance. that's why only aviva rewards you with savings for getting a check-up. it's our wellness for life program, with online access to mayo clinic. see the difference at avivausa.com.

mr. president, you remember -- remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? that was hilarious. >> the president went zinger for zinger with comedian jimmy kimmel last night at the white house correspondents' dinner and he wasn't afraid to go there. >> what's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? a pit bull is delicious. of course, i know everybody is predicting as thatty election and thankfully we've all agreed that families are off-limits, dogs, however, are apparently

fair game. >> i want to bring in cnn contributor will cain and mr. . mr. l.z granderson. that was good. wasn't it funny? did you guys like it? >> it was funny. it was funny. i thought he was great. >> l.z., were you surprised he was saying that about dogs. >> the best way to get ahold of it was to beat it head on. i don't know who wrote the jokes but they need their own show. >> i wrote that joke. then there was a much different ending. if he had just flipped that it still would have been funny if he said something else, the hockey mom and pit bull still would have been a funny joke. there was a moment later with jimmy kimmel. take a listen.

>> keith olbermann burned more bridges than the arsonist of madison county. he has more pink slips than marcus bachmann. too soon? too soon? if you're not familiar with marcus bachmann he plays cameron on the show "modern family." stand up. where are you, marcus. >> oh, there he is. >> okay, now i have a question for you guys. >> that -- >> that was just wrong. >> wow. >> has more pink slips than marcus -- oh. >> let me ask you a question. let me be the host and ask you guys a question. i'm genuinely curious here, if as the joke suggests, marcus bachmann is gay but he hasn't come to grips with himself, now i'm asking two guys who have been through this process, i'm honestly curious, why is it okay to make fun of him because of his politics or he is a public

figure. >> oh, will, stop it. >> i'm serious. >> i'll let you have this. >> stop it. first of all -- >> look at this video, first of all. ♪ >> no, no, no, you don't have to convince me of anything. i'm asking why is it okay. >> before l.z. answers i'm just going to say this, i'm assuming he's flam boy apartment. i just thought it was a very funny joke. i didn't analyze it as much as you have, will but anyhow, go on, l.z. >> you know what, don and i have been friends for years but i wasn't around don when he was a teenager so i don't know if he tried to convert gay people or not but it just seems funny that when you are having flamboyanti gay men to be straight, it's just funny. i don't even care what his politics happen to be, it's sort of a funny thing with the two images. >> i thought it was a funny joke.

>> okay. anyway, did we satisfy your curiosity by the way since you're so curious? >> yeah, yeah, i mean there's no doubt it's a funny joke but there's a lot of funny jokes in the world. i just wonder why it's okay. decent answer but i was curious, genuinely. >> all right. >> well, he certainly made t the -- newt gingrich is getting out. a source says he will officially end his presidential bid on wednesday instead of tuesday as previously reported and for awhile he was a front-runner but only went on to win two primaries, south carolina and georgia. now for a space discovery that i'm pretty sure gingrich would like, no, it's not a moon colony but it's pretty close. the story behind this mysterious thing right next to the sun. see there on the bottom left of your screen. that story coming up a little later. polar shifts will reverse the earth's gravitational pull and hurtle us all into space. which would render retirement planning unnecessary. but say the sun rises on december 22nd,

and you still need to retire. td ameritrade's investment consultants can help you build a plan that fits your life. we'll even throw in up to $600 when you open a new account or roll over an old 401(k). so who's in control now, mayans? [ male announcer ] while others are content to imitate, we'll continue to innovate. the lexus rx. why settle for a copy when you can own the original? see your lexus dealer. and then treats day after day... who gets heartburn why settle for a copy when you can own the original? well, shoot, that's like checking on your burgers after they're burnt! [ male announcer ] treat your frequent heartburn by blocking the acid with prilosec otc. and don't get heartburn in the first place! [ male announcer ] one pill a day. 24 hours. zero heartburn.

sudanese warplanes are streaking in, and we have just seconds to find cover. >> down. get down. >> splitting sudan was supposed to end decades of civil war but instead it's drawn a line in the sand between two sides. remarkable images are coming out of south sudan showing a camera crew running for cover as gunfire comes from above. the president of sudan has declared a state of emergency for cities along the border between the two rivals. our exclusive report from etv's rob rob robin creel. >> reporter: we've been promised a story. this is close to the front line of the border clashes with the north. and the south sudanese commander here is willing to talk.

but another story is about to break around us. >> run, run. come down. >> reporter: it's coming, these soldiers shout. >> come, come, come. >> reporter: sudanese warplanes are streaking in and we have just seconds to find cover. [ gunfire ] >> reporter: we find a small trench, try to make ourselves invisible as at least half a dozen bombs drop around us. we wait for the sound of the planes to fade then we make our escape.

>> get in. get in. get in. >> reporter: we were just three kilometers from the front line when weigh heard incoming fire from what soldiers say were gunships and migs. we were then forced to take cover and once the firing -- once there was a lull in the firing, we decided to head out this our vehicle because it was simply too dangerous and we didn't know what to expect. >> etv's robyn criel reporting. it's not the only one for american troop lending a huand for the hunt for joseph kony. if that sounds familiar, this called for bringing the notorious warlord to justice.

cnn was embedded with forces searching for kony. there are about 100 across the region. their help could be the difference in this fight. one trainer spoke with cnn and we aren't allowed to tell you his name but his views on kony are very clear. >> kony is definitely still a threat. he's been on the run. he's on the decline and in survival mode, but he is still dangerous and he's going to be dangerous until the lra are eliminated. >> white house officials admit and african leaders agree capturing kony won't be easy. the parents of a dying infant are making sure their daughter has her first kiss and a trip to college before it is too late. their bucket list has inspired thousands. their story is next.

chrysler is starting 2012 on a strong note. the car company is posting quarterly profits of nearly $500 million. the biggest margin in 13 years. the u.s. automaker has had huge growth since it received federal bailout money in 2009. gm is expected to report first quarter earnings later this week. if you're looking to buy a new home now may be the time. home prices are at the lowest they've been in almost ten years. nine housing markets including atlanta, chicago and new york are getting new lows. you may soon feel better about eating a bacon, egg and cheed croissan bwi ch. they made a deal to switch from eggs and pork not raised in cages. wendy's already has that agreement. that's this week's "getting down

to business." i'm felicia taylor. [ wind howling ] [ technician ] are you busy? management just sent over these new technical manuals. they need you to translate them into portuguese. by tomorrow. [ male announcer ] ducati knows it's better for xerox to manage their global publications. so they can focus on building amazing bikes. with xerox, you're ready for real business.

a look ahead at the big stories from the white house to wall street, our correspondents tell you what you need to know. we begin with president obama's plans for the week. >> i'm brianna keilar at the white house. on monday president obama addresses a very powerful construction union, the building and construction trades department and welcomes prime minister noda to the white house

and they host a cinco de mayo celebration and more meetings at the white house. i'm poppy harlow in new york. another packed week on wall street coming up. the latest manufacturing reading as well as auto sales and then on friday we'll get that much anticipated april jobs report. that comes out before the opening bell and on the earnings front we'll get results from oil giant bp, also pharmaceutical company pfizer along with visa and general motors along with a host of other companies and see how the market reacts and thank it on cnn money. >> i'm a.j. hammer. "showbiz tonight" goes inside octomom's home. are her children in danger. plus "jersey shore" star j-woww talks to me about snooki. i have to ask her what is it like to live with a pregnant snooki. 11 p.m. eastern time on hln. here are your headlines. seven people including three children have died in a horrific crash in new york.

their suv flipped over a guardrail and plunged 60 feet to the ground. it landed upside down in an area of the bronx zoo closed to the public. police say all victims were wearing their seat belts. in 2006 six people died on the same stretch of road. the fire marshal is looking into the tent collapse in st. louis yesterday that killed one person and injured 16 others. some seriously. it happened as baseball fans gathered at a local bar just as a storm blew through. manufacturing guidelines say the tent should have withstood the storm's estimated 50-mile-an-hour gusts. the coast guard has called off a search for a missing sailor. a yacht with a crew of four was racing from newport beach, california, to ensenada, mexico. according to race organizers, it likely collided with a much bigger vessel near the corps ro islands. searchers found other bodies and some debris. get down.

>> journalists in south sudan survived a firefight when the troops they were with came under fire from sudanese helicopter gunships and fighter jets. the president of sudan has declared a state of emergency for cities near the south. the fate of egypt's prime minister is up in the air. the head of the ruling military council told state media that he'll shake up the cabinet. but he didn't say whether the current prime minister will keep his job. parliament's decision is to suspend its session, force the chang changes. a presidential election only a few weeks away. the news was heartbreaking. it would devastate any of us but a couple in texas is using it as inspiration. although their daughter is dying they say they want to use the little time they have left to build memories. kevin reese of cnn affiliate khou has their touching story. ♪

>> reporter: at a home in bel air, everything was right with the world. for parents named her avery. >> avery. >> reporter: she arrived perfect. and with a smile. but just a few months old her legs went limp. something was wrong. >> i just started to screaming and just -- it doesn't seem real. >> reporter: what was real was spinal muscle atrophy, a rare genetic disorder. the use of her arms next then the ability to breathe. at best doctors give her 18 months. so what do you do with that little time? ♪ >> reporter: you dance. >> you like that? >> reporter: mike and lawyer canahuati took it online and created her own blog and offered her own bucket list.

the moments, the memories they want her to have before she's gone. >> at q. you silly girl, look. >> mike always told me we've got all the time in the world to cry. we can cry, you know when she's no longer here but for now we want to try and enjoy the time we do have with her and just make memories. >> reporter: memories like her first easter. her first trip to college. her first innocent kiss. her physical little girl tea party with her mom. >> oh, yummy. >> reporter: all of this online for a reason. >> we can watch her die or we can let her live and through letting her live we're going to try and educate other people about this so they don't have to go through it too. >> reporter: smr is a genetic disorder. there is no cure and very little research. the parents can get tested to find out if they are carriers. if it's something they could pass to a child. >> it's very aggravating that no one knows about this.

>> i refuse to think that my daughter will die in vain. >> reporter: so mike and laura promise to chronicle every moment in a very short life so that we remember avery, remember a disease that needs more research and remember how they spent each day. >> we didn't sit there and cry that day. we sat there and we made memories with our daughter. ♪ >> and lots of them. ♪ >> reporter: memories they will keep alive hoping someday they lead to a cure. kevin reese, khou, 11 news. >> the man who endured one of the most infamous beatings ever caught on tape says he is lucky to be alive. >> just gushing down the street. i felt death. death wasn't far away. >> i had the chance to talk with rodney king, our conversation is straight ahead and what if twitter had been around for the l.a. riots that followed rodney king's beating. well, here is what it would look like. take a look at this. it is the l.a. riots in realtime

on twitter and it has been going strong all evening. we'll tell you about it next. ♪ hey, dad, you think i could drive? i'll tell you what -- when we stop to fill it up. ♪ ♪ [ son ] you realize, it's gotta run out sometime. [ male announcer ] jetta tdi clean diesel. the turbo that gets 42 miles per gallon. that's the power of german engineering.

♪ cuban that's the power of german engineering. cajun raw seafood pizza parlor french fondue tex-mex fro-yo tapas puck chinese takeout taco truck free range chicken pancake stack baked alaska 5% cash back. right now, get 5% cash back at restaurants. it pays to discover. you know, typical alarm clock. i am so glad to get rid of it. just to be able to wake up in the morning on your own. that's a big accomplishment to me. i don't know how much money i need. but i know that whatever i have that's what i'm going to live within. ♪ ♪

thanks to the proliferation of smartphones we have grown used to seeing stunning views of clips fall and large. one video started it all and helped to trigger some of this country's worst rioting. i had a chance to talk to the man at the center of this storm 20 years ago.

rodney king. [ chanting [ >> reporter: a city in flames. entire neighborhoods burned to the ground. now, two decades later, what's it like to be the man whose beating seen round the world ignited one of the worst race riots in u.s. history? do you still have nightmares? >> yeah, yeah, i do. >> what's a nightmare? do you wake up like tossing and turning? >> sometimes even hearing the voices that were going on that night. get down, get down get down, you f'ing -- those words. i'll have to wake up and -- all right, man, it's all right. look outside. it's all green and blue. >> reporter: king's nightmare begins just after midnight. he and two friends out

celebrating head west on the 210 freeway. >> i had just gotten word that my old construction company had called me to come back to work that following monday. >> reporter: but the celebration is cut short. state police caught king's car going 110 miles per hour. and immediately start a nearly eight-mile high-speed chase through l.a. neighborhoods. >> i was doing 100. i did every bit of 100 and i'm not proud of it. >> reporter: following our interview, rodney king agrees to relive those terrifying moments by taking me back to the scene. >> coming down the 210. >> reporter: as we retrace his steps we discuss those split-second decisions. >> i exit here on paxton. [ sirens ]

>> reporter: where did you pull over? >> i seen those apartments so i said, man, i'll stop here. if it goes down somebody will see it. >> reporter: once he stops they are surrounded by police. his two friends are arrested without incident but rodney king would have a much different fate. >> when i opened the door they said take three steps back away from the car. when i took the three steps back they staid lay down. when they said lay down, i laid down like this and my face was facing this way so i could see them. they said put your f'ing head down. when i finally went face down, bam, i took the blow, bam. a real hard blow to the temple. when he did that, i went up like this and ran this way with my hands up to show no threat. and that's when i didn't know if my leg was broke. >> so suppose twitter had been

around for the l.a. riots that followed king's beatings. here's what it would have looked like. check this out, realtime loochlt riots. live tweets and re-enacts the l.a. riots won by nbc l.a. and some of the tweets say, crowd smashing windows starting fires in downtown l.a. off-duty officers report to duties ordered by the lapd. it's interesting. it's an interesting twitter feed to follow. you know that pain in your brain that you get from drinking something that's really cold or even eating something cold like a tasty popsicle. now researchers say they know why you get a brain freeze. that mystery solved next here on cnn. and just see a policy. at aviva, we do things differently. we're bringing humanity back to life insurance. that's why only aviva rewards you with savings for getting a check-up. it's our wellness for life program, with online access to mayo clinic.

see the difference at avivausa.com. what happens when classroom teachers get the training... ...and support they need? schools flourish and students blossom. that's why programs like... ...the mickelson exxonmobil teachers academy... ...and astronaut sally ride's science academy are helping our educators improve student success in math and science. let's shoot for the stars. let's invest in our teachers and inspire our students. let's solve this. but not how we get there. because in this business, there are no straight lines. only the twists and turns of an unpredictable industry. so the eighty-thousand employees at delta... must anticipate the unexpected. and never let the rules overrule common sense. this is how we tame the unwieldiness of air travel, until it's not just lines you see...

it's the world. gives you a 50% annual bonus. and who doesn't want 50% more cash? ugh, the baby. huh! and then the baby bear said, "i want 50% more cash in my bed!" phhht! 50% more cash is good ri... what's that. ♪ you can spell. [ male announcer ] the capital one cash rewards card. the card for people who want 50% more cash.

what's in your wallet? ha ha. ♪ it is time now for the sunday night miseries with jacqui jeras starting with aliens spotted near the sun. what up with that? >> at least that's the buzz on the internet. all the ufo enthusiasts are excited about this one. take a look at the picture and we'll tell you more about it. first of all we'll say there have been a lot of images, right, in the last couple of months because the sun has been really, really active and have had things on the program about the solar flares but take a look in the lower left-hand part of that image. do you see kind of that -- there it is, that long, skinny-looking object in the bottom of the picture. >> yeah. >> yeah, that's what some people are saying is possibly a ufo so

this image was captured on april 24th. it was captured by nasa so this is not a fake or, you know, doctored up picture. it was taken with a solar and heliospheric camera but is it really a ufo? some are saying yes. the naval research lab says, no. >> we know it's a "u," unidentified. >> it's unidentified but they're saying what's causing this has to do with cosmic rays and it affects the sensor on the camera and creates that little glitch basically in the image and they're saying this has happened before. >> like a flare or reflection. >> it makes a dropout basically. >> so mystery solved. >> mystery solved. >> the next one is a lot of billionaires wanting to become trillionaires because they want to start -- is that mining asteroids? how do you mine asteroids. >> it's something they're looking to do potentially in the future and this is no joke. you know, we're talking about people like james cameron,

director of "the titanic." he did that big deep sea dive. it's called planetary resources and they want to extract precious metals and waters from asteroids located very near the earth. they're saying gold, platinum could potentially be in these things so obviously there could be a lot of money made. >> awesome. so, listen, i just had this happen to me. i had a snow cone for the first time and got brain freeze. now they know what causes it. i no what causes it, cold stuff. >> right, but what causes the pain in your brain. why does that happen. there was a study, researchers were trying to figure out what happened with migraines so they had people take a drink of ice cold water, put the straw at the roof of your mouth and it turns out that there's a rush of blood that goes into the center part of your brain. it's right behind where your eyes are and they're saying that that rush of blood expands this artery and causes pressure and

makes your brain hurt. >> that's a big brain. >> it is a big brain. >> did you steal dr. gupta's brain? >> i did. there's the artery right there. the problem is they didn't tell us how you get rid of it. >> whoops, i just dropped my thing. i had brain freeze just now. send your brain back. thank you, jacqui. sunday night mysteries. now, listen to this. >> i had a lot more material prepared, but i have to get the secret service home in time for their new curfew. >> the best of the president's stand-up singletoners from the white house correspondents' dinner next and later the same from comedian, the host, jimmy kimmel. i'm an expert on softball. and tea parties. i'll have more awkward conversations than i'm equipped for because i'm raising two girls on my own. i'll worry about the economy more than a few times before they're grown. but it's for them, so i've found a way. who matters most to you says the most about you. massmutual is owned by our policyholders

so they matter most to us. massmutual. we'll help you get there. [ man ] when i went to get my first new car, my dad said to get a subaru because they last. ♪ he drives a legacy, but i'm nothing like him. i got the new impreza. maybe i should have picked a different color... [ male announcer ] the all-new subaru impreza. experience love that lasts. ♪

i had that same operation when i was young and it felt so good i wanted to have it done again belief i was too old. >> president reagan poking fun at himself. it gives presidents a rare chance to find their inner stand-up comedian. president barack obama stepped into the role like a roast master with the one-liners ready. >> my name is barack obama. my mother was born in kansas. my father was born in kenya and i was born, of course, in hawaii. [ applause ] >> four years ago i was a washington outsider. four years later, i'm at this

dinner. four years ago i looked like this. today i look like this. and four years from now i will look like this. [ applause ] >> that's not even funny. anyway, it's great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent hilton ballroom or what mitt romney would call a little fixer-upper. [ applause ] >> i mean look at this party. we got men in tuxes, women in gowns, fine wine, first class

entertainment. i was just relieved to learn this was not a gsa conference. [ applause ] unbelievable, not even the mind reader knew what they were thinking. yeah. i know at this point many of you are expecting me to go after my likely opponent, newt gingrich. [ laughter ] >> newt, there's still time, man. but i'm not going to do that. i'm not going to attack any of the republican candidates. take mitt romney -- he and i actually have a lot in common. we both think of our wives as our better halves and polls show to an alarmingly insulting extent the american people agree.

we also both have degrees from harvard. i have one. he has two. what a snob. still, i guess governor romney is feeling pretty good about things because he took a few hours off the other day to see "the hunger games." some of you have seen it. it's a movie about people who court wealthy sponsors and then brutally savage each other until only one contestant is left standing. i'm sure there was a really great change of pace for him. i have not seen "the hunger games." not enough class warfare for me. now, if i do win a second term

as president, let me just say something to all the -- [ applause ] >> let me just say something to all my conspiracy oriented friends on the right who think i'm planning to unleash some secret agenda. you're absolutely right. so allow me to close with a quick preview of the secret agenda you can expect in a second obama administration. in my first term i sang al green. in my second term i'm going with young jeezy. michelle said, yeah. i sing that to her sometimes. [ laughter ] in my first term we ended the war in iraq. in my second term i will win the

war on christmas. [ laughter ] in my first term rerepealed the policy known as don't ask, don't tell. in -- [ applause ] >> wait, though, in my second term we will replace it with a policy known as it's raining men. [ laughter ] >> in my first term we passed health care reform. in my second term i guess i'll pass it again. >> and next the best of jimmy kimmel. >> you know, there's a term for guys like president obama, probably not two terms but -- [ laughter ] there is.

which gels to remove unsexy waste and reduce cholesterol. taking psyllium fiber won't make you a model but you should feel a little more super. metamucil. down with cholesterol. hey, dad, you think i could drive? i'll tell you what -- when we stop to fill it up. ♪ ♪ [ son ] you realize, it's gotta run out sometime. [ male announcer ] jetta tdi clean diesel. the turbo that gets 42 miles per gallon. that's the power of german engineering. ♪ see lioutdoors, or in.ight. that's the power of german engineering. transitions® lenses automatically filter just the right amount of light. so you see everything the way it's meant to be seen. maybe, even a little better. experience life well lit, ask for transitions adaptive lenses.

visit your local jcp optical today to learn more about authentic transitions brand lenses that fit your life and start seeing what you've been missing. cuban cajun raw seafood pizza parlor french fondue tex-mex fro-yo tapas puck chinese takeout taco truck free range chicken pancake stack baked alaska 5% cash back. right now, get 5% cash back at restaurants. it pays to discover. hey, it's sandra -- from accounting. peter. i can see that you're busy... but you were gonna help us crunch the numbers for accounts receivable today. i mean i know that this is important. well, both are important. let's be clear. they are but this is important too. [ man ] the receivables. [ male announcer ] michelin knows it's better for xerox to help manage their finance processing. so they can focus on keeping the world moving. with xerox, you're ready for real business.

i don't want to be in the military. if i did, it would be to greet the president when you get off the helicopter. that's it. you know what i'm saying. i mean you get some tv time, you know. ooh, look here. mr. president. that's it for me. i'm going to have some lunch. [ laughter ]

>> you're not leaving any time soon, are you? all right. you want me to get the dog. okay, i'll get the dog. >> that was cedric the entertainer at the white house correspondents' dinner in 2005. you know it's got to be one of the toughest gigs in show business following the president at the white house correspondents' dinner, but host jimmy kimmel had his one-liners loaded and ready to fire. >> mr. president, salaam. [ laughter ] mr. president, i know you won't be able to laugh at any of my jokes about the secret service, so cover your ears if that's physically possible. [ laughter ] >> i do have a lot of jokes about the secret service. you know i told them for $800 i wouldn't tell them but they only offered 30, so -- [ laughter ] >> i'm happy to see congress is taking this very seriously. david vitter even went so far as to fly down to colombia to investigate this personally.

mr. president, you remember when the country rallied around you in the hopes of a better tomorrow. that was hilarious. kind of hard to be funny when the president of the united states is right next to you yet somehow day in and day out joe biden manages to do it. you know, the real reason people thought you were from kenya had nothing to do with your birth certificate. it's because you lost so much weight, we thought you were the guy who won the boston marathon. this is how you know this country is in bad shape. our president is starving. north korea is sending him food aid. every election year cnn comes up with new and increasingly amazing technology. they have the magic wall this year, they had the hologram four years ago and yet with all their technical wizardry they still haven't figured out a way to make james carville look less like a hairless boiled cat.

fox news is the grumpy old man of cable, loud, stubborn, a little bit out of touch with reality, just had a mole removed. is the fox mole here, by the way? i'd like to take a moment to salute the fox mole. were it not for his brave sacrifice the world may never have known that the bathrooms at fox were overdue for renovation. leaking two videos and i'm getting caught doesn't make you a mole it makes awe a freckle. as a result of the success they've had msnbc has moved a bit to the left of hugo chavez lately. last week we learned that the president's two favorite steaks are rib eye and seeing eye. you know you don't have to reveal everything in an autobiography, right? you can leave some things out. when you go to a dog park, is it the same as when we look at a tank full of lobsters? what a collection of people. here in one room we have members of the media, politician, corporate executives, advertisers, lobbyists and

celebrities. everything that is wrong with america is here in this room tonight. [ applause ] >> unfortunately, the speak of the house john boehner isn't. apparently yours aren't the only dinner invitations he declines, mrs. obama. don't take it personally, though. he aprobably just afraid someone will ask him to pass the salt and he won't have the votes. eric cantor couldn't be here tonight. he's at the gym working out his gavel arm. this boehner kantor feud fascinates me. as most of you know it started during the debt ceiling negotiations when they couldn't agreed on the wording of the ransom note and it went downhill from there. interesting fact about speaker boehner, the reason he smokes so many cigarettes is his tears keep putting them out. [ laughter ] i talked to a guy who was a huge supporter of obama care and a guy who says it's a disaster that should be killed immediately and was interesting because i had never met mitt romney before. some people say mitt romney won't be elected president because he's mormon and i think

that's ignorant. this country is more open minded than that. we elected an african-american president. we would absolutely elect a mormon president. just not mitt romney. stevie wonder said we elected an african-american president. we heard eric compare his campaign to a etch a sketch. i don't think etch a sketch, i think twister. one foot on red, the other on blue and both hands on green. has trouble connecting with regular people. you can't have a beer with him. he doesn't drink. you can't have a cup of coffee because he can't have caffeine. you can't and play monopoly with him because he keeps trying to put the dog on the car. but if you're a republican, you know, there isn't much of a choice. rick santorum is out. i guess it just wasn't rick's year. rick's year is 1954. [ laughter ] you know it's one thing to oppose gay marriage. it's another altogether to do it in a sweater vest.

[ applause ] >> but -- in the end rick santorum may not have won the nomination but he succeeded in getting his message out not just to americans but to people all aflat the world. ron paul is still in there. he's still sticking with it. to me ron paul looks like the guy who gets unhooded at the end of every scooby doo car soon. >> there's most of it. i'm don lemon in atlanta. have a great night and a great week. i'll see you back here next weekend.