on tv. you are a man of many talents, aren't you? >> yes, i am. thank you for noticing that. you didn't even scratch the surface. i have a high falsetto. i'm hairless, completely hairless, my body. i'm aerodynamic. there's nothing i can't do. >> what is the genuinely weirdest thing about you that nobody knows? >> wow, that's a good one. the weirdest thing about me that nobody knows. i can be amusing at times. it seems to have escaped people's notice. >> you don't do many interviews. >> i don't do a lot. >> i've been trying to lure you for like 18 months. i had to appear on your show in a desperate attempt to lure you in. >> i don't do a lot because think about it, i'm on television constantly. since 1993, i'm on tv for a chunk of time every day. i'm not looking for more ways to be on television. and no one in america seems to want me to be on more.

so i'm trying to, if anything pull it back. but i couldn't resist this. you have this beautiful lucite desk. it's very nice. it's like a classy airport lounge. it's beautiful. but i'm thrilled to be here. >> i'm thrilled you're here. i'm a huge fan, as you know. now, take me back to the first moment you made somebody laugh. do you remember it? >> yes. it was about four years ago. i remember it very well. it was my wife. we had been married at that point for seven years. let's see. i think -- i don't remember the exact moment. my mother claims that as an infant i mashed up some food in my high chair and was throwing it around and laughing and it was making my mother laugh and her brother, my uncle, said don't laugh, it's going to make him think he's a comedian or something. and that it caught on there. but i think it always starts with the family. it starts with the family. i'm from a large, irish catholic

family. and trying to -- the benchmark for me is trying to make my dad laugh or trying to make my brothers laugh at the table when we were having meals together. >> where do you come in the pecking order of the kids? >> we're not sure. we're always finding new ones. walk into the bathroom, i'm liam. i'm third from the top, fourth from the bottom. so i have two older brothers, two younger sisters and a younger brother. >> what do they make of being related so closely to the coco phenomenon. >> i think my brother luke looks a lot like me. luke and i look very similar and we're only about a year apart and he lives in boston. he said many times he'll just be walking -- he told me once he was walking to a store to, you know, to buy, you know, some embarrassing product that he probably doesn't want me to mention on the air. he has a rash on his ass that's chronic. luke, i'm sorry.

and piers, i think you asked me specifically what was his ailment. but anyway, he was walking and that people sometimes follow him and will follow him into a store. he'll have to turn and say i'm not him. i'm the smarter -- he is actually -- he is the smart one in the family. luke's a genius. >> your family -- you have a very close family. >> mm-hmm. >> you're still close. >> we're still close. i talk to someone in my family at least every day. and what's great about my family is they don't care that i'm on television. they don't care. we all make fun of each other and they're very happy. i don't know, in your country i think it's take the piss out of someone. they love to do that. they love to do that. >> which is not -- it's not a very common thing in american psyche, to take the piss, as we call it in england. >> yeah. >> sarcasm isn't a massively advanced part of the american humor. >> it is in different parts. it depends on where you're from. in boston, it's a very strong thing.

in boston, they love to take you down a peg the second you show up back in town. it's something about that place. and it's what i love about boston. this is a true story. i showed up in boston once a couple of months ago, and i landed at logan airport. and i get out and there's a cab line because i'm going to take a cab to my parents' house. so i'm headed towards the cab line. lo long before i even get a chance to get to the back of the cab line, this guy sees me coming. he's the guy that runs the cab line. hey, back of the line, tv star. i said i was headed to the back. yeah, you like the rest of us now, pal. that's where i was headed. but they don't even give you the chance. it's they need to take you down a notch right away. >> when you were young, apparently in the third grade -- >> when i was younger. >> younger, my apologies. >> i'm 26. >> even in third grade you did charlie chaplin impressions. >> yeah, yeah. >> and you said to your parents

as a kid, mom and dad, i'm going to be in show business, i need to learn to tap dance. >> true story. >> i love that line. >> i had this very -- television in those days, very different from tv now. but in the 1970s, they -- there's only a couple of channels and the uhf stations, channel 38 and channel 56, all their programming is showing old movies. that's what i watched. i grew up on old movies. my parents wouldn't let me go see -- >> was it gene kelly, fred astaire? >> yeah, old gangster movies, loves those. "angels with dirty faces" and humphrey bogart films. but that movie "that's entertainment" came out and showing you what entertainment is. i thought that's what entertainers needed to know. you've got to know how to sing, dance, move. you've got to know how to do it all, so i marched up to my parents and i said i need to know how to tap dance. and they -- they thought all

kinds of things. but they said okay. let's call him on his bluff. and they found me this really old african-american gentleman who was a fantastic -- named stanley brown who said -- who had been the protege of bill "bojangles" robinson. he worked out of this dilapidated studio and taught all these, you know, people how to dance. i was the only white kid there. not only that, i was tiny and i had bright orange hair. so all these beautiful black women are learning jazz, tap and all this stuff and i would march in about my box of shiny shoes. like hi, everybody, let's get started. come on, let's do it, see? and then he would work with me. and so my parents, god bless them, they were great that way. my dad is a microbiologist and a scientist, my mom is a lawyer. they said this is what he wants to do. >> have they ever regretted helping you get into show

business? >> i think no. i'm sure they have since. >> your mom in particular. i know my mother, when it's going great, it's obviously fantastic. when things don't go so well and you're so high profile and you get hammered, mothers hate that. they feel it very personally. >> mothers don't like it, but my parents, the second i was paying my own rent, they didn't care what i did anymore. that's just true. the minute -- i think if i had -- you know, when i paid that first rent check of my own right after i got out of college and i moved out and started paying my own rent, if i said by. wa -- by the way, you should know i'm a hired assassin, they wouldn't care. kill who you need to kill. >> is part of the allure being famous when you look back to that time? >> this is true of a lot of comedians and i've talked to other comedians and heard them say the same thing and i defy anyone to deny this. for most of us, it's getting girls to notice us.

it really is. and it's still probably on some level. i'm very happily married, two kids. but there is something, initially especially in those early days, you notice -- you go through the checklist in your mind of what do i have that might interest a girl. and i didn't have much. i would go through the list. i'm not a good athlete, my skin is not -- go down the list. the hair is a little silly. the name is weird. and then i got to -- they laugh. when i start joking around, they laugh and they hang around a little bit. so probably that's the initial -- if i'm going to be brutally hhonest, it was just t get -- >> to get girls? >> and not even to get them. to get them to look in my direction, piers. i'm taking it down to a much more basic level, you know. >> you moved to l.a. after harvard. we're going to come to your harvard commencement speech.

>> oh, that was the fourth greatest. have they ranked the commencement speeches? >> i think you've got to be number one. you're fourth on the list of simpsons episodes. >> that i can accept. >> when you went through harvard, everything must have seemed like it was all going swimmingly. unlike most comedians i've interviewed, you've got no agony, no torment, no pain. >> that's the dumbest thing anyone has ever said to me, piers, and i mean that in the nicest way. yes, tons of agony. it's very hard to look at someone's life in the abstract. >> where was your agony? >> insecurity. a feeling that i don't deserve to be where i am. for example, i think when i went to -- i worked very hard in high school. that's the dirty little secret about me, is i was not -- i was always a very hard-working student and wanted to go to a good school and worked really hard to go to a distinguigood s.

and when i got there, immediately had the fear that a lot of people have is i don't belong here. i'm the fake, i'm the phony. and i think that is the common denominator you see with a lot of people, whether artists or performers. they don't think -- >> do you still feel that? >> yes. i feel it today. i wasn't sure they'd let me in here. there's a -- there's a constant -- >> is it pressure to be funny? that must be a very particular pressure. >> it's funny. the -- it's odd or ironic or whatever you want to call it, but my desire -- getting into comedy was a very beautiful accident because i worked very hard at everything and i tried really hard. comedy was something that i stumbled into when i was in college. i had wanted to be a performer and then thought this is never going to happen. i'm from brookline, massachusetts. my parents -- we don't know anybody in show business. i'm not going to be in show business. this is a ridiculous dream.

so i kind of gave up on it and became a really good student. and then accidentally stumbled into the college humor magazine and it was like falling off a log and discovering what it is that i was meant to do. i loved it. i absolutely loved it. and i thought i had never valued being funny that much. i just thought that's something i do with my friends. and then suddenly i saw that it has some cache in the real world. and that these older students really seem to like the stuff that i'm writing and they seem to think i'm funny and they want to put me in charge of this place. so a lot of that changed my outlook on what i could do for a living. >> so you were at harvard. >> yeah. >> doing brilliantly, making people laugh, everything is going great. let's take a short break because after the break it all goes horribly wrong. >> sex change. sex change when we return. i was a girl. i was a boy. now i'm a girl. the postal service is critical to our economy,

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a lot of criticism. some of it deserved, and i'll be honest with you, it hurt like you would not believe. but i'm telling you all this for a reason. i had a lot of success. i have had a lot of failure. i've looked good and i've looked bad. i've been praised and i've been criticized. my mistakes have been necessary. >> you wrote this incredible commencement speech at harvard in the year 2000. and i want to sort of tell the story of what happened to you after you left harvard through the prism of the speech because it was a wonderful life template for anyone considering life after college. you said you see, kids, after

graduating in may i moved to los angeles. i got a three-week contract, a $380 month apartment, a terrible dump, bought an opal car. >> the isuzu made the opal. >> technically it's not a car. >> no, it was a hair brush more than it was a car. terrible car. >> but you go work on a show for a year and you must be thinking i'm a harvard graduate. i'm on a show. life is beautiful. >> i'd love to pretend that's what i thought but i never feel that way. anyone who knows me will tell you i never think we're in good shape now. i've never done that. but, yes, i got that job. then as i said in the speech, my writing partner at the time and i lost that job. a lot of series of misadventures, highs and lows. >> at one point you were at wilson's house of suede and leather. >> yeah. >> and you're thinking how did a

harvard graduate end up here? >> yeah. i had those thoughts many times where you -- and los angeles is a very -- when you don't have a job in los angeles, there's something about it that's more profoundly depressing than maybe not having a job other places. >> because all around you are success stories. >> yes. >> the whole machinery of the city is geared toward achievement and success, not failure. >> right. >> when it's great, it's the best place to be in the world. when it goes wrong, it's the most lonely place on earth, isn't it? >> also in this town when you walk on a sidewalk, you're perceived as a failure. and so what happens is if you -- >> if you walk, you're perceived as a failure. >> exactly. so i just was -- you can walk on three blocks on this town and people will pass you who know you and say that's too bad, what happened to conan. i guess he's -- you know, it's not like new york or any other city in that way. so, yeah, that was a very -- there was lots of intense kind of despair. >> you then get a big break.

"saturday night live." >> i believe this gentleman has something to say. >> i just completed your course. i never dreamed i could be this handso handsome. thanks. >> you're handsome. give that man a round of applause. >> after a year and a half, they read your sketches, give you a two-week tryout. the two weeks turn into two seasons and you think i've made it. >> right. >> i'm an snl superstar and you get so cocky i'm going to go and write my own tv show and off you go. original sitcom, it's all going good. the tv show is going to be ground breaking. it's going to resurrect the career of tv's badman, adam west. >> sounds like a foolproof plan, doesn't it? >> it was going to be a comedy without a laugh track or studio audience. here's what happened. when the pilot aired it was the second lowest rated television show of all time. it tied with a test patent they show up in nova scotia.

>> yes, true. but i've seen the test pattern and it's funny. it's a very funny test pattern. >> so what are you thinking now? you've had this terrible disaster. then you get a break. then you get a little above yourself, think it's easy, then you get another disaster. what is going through your mind? >> you know, i'm irish so we always think the worst is ten minutes away or five minutes away. and so there's part of me that was actually half expecting that. but yeah, i think you constantly think it's over. i've had that feeling of, well, i guess it's over about 35 times in my career. one of them was just five minutes ago. >> is it the kind of career -- it always strikes me as odd that it's the kind of career comedy that attracts a lot of neurotic, insecure people. >> yeah. >> it's almost like the worst thing they should be going in for, because that pressure, like i said earlier, to make people laugh is like nothing on earth. when a joke doesn't work and there's a terrible reaction, it

feels awful. >> yeah. >> i can feel the sinew of my body starting to compress. >> yeah. >> i don't know how you guys do this. >> well, first of all, i've never experienced what you're talking about. every joke has worked. 35,000 of them and they have all gone brilliantly. you know, what's interesting is that for me i'm one of those people that comedy is the release. comedy is the -- doing comedy, although it can be scary and difficult, i find more agony in other things, do you know what i mean? if someone asks me to make them a sandwich, i would have more fear revolving around making that sandwich and insecurity than i would about doing comedy. so comedy in a strange way is the escape. >> is there an art to comedy? people that have worked with you tell me that you have an incredible instinct for what is going to be funny. what i don't know is whether the instinct is what makes you laugh or your instinct is what you think will make an audience laugh. which is it?

>> i don't think about -- i just try and think about what i would like. >> what you would personally find funny? >> what i would personally find funny. i don't know how to do it the other way. you make slight adjustments over the years, you learn this kind of thing probably wouldn't work for these reasons. but to me, there's a very strong -- comedy and music are very close together. that's why musicians are fascinated with comedy and want to be comedians and comedians want to be musicians, myself included. it's having an ear for it. the people i really like have a comedy ear. they have a sense, a sixth sense about what might work and they go with that rather than trying to extrapolate what's the audience going to like. >> your comedy ear took you to the chance to audition for a new late night show, the bigs break of your career. september 19th, 1993. you said i was really, really happy. i thought i'd seized the moment. i put my very best foot forward. this is still the commencement

speech of the and that's when the most widely respected television critic wrote o'brien is a living collage of annoying nervous habits. he giggles and jiggles about, fiddles with his cuffs. he has dark, beady little eyes like a rabbit. he's one of the whitest white men ever. he's a switch on the guest who won't leave, the host who never should come. may the host return to whence he came. there's more but he gets kid of mean. >> yes. >> you get absolutely buried by the number one critic. >> that was the nice part. >> when you read that, what did you feel? >> i think a kind of weird elation. no, i always respond inappropriately. you know, at the time it's devastating, you know, who can read something like that and not be devastated. i've never thought about my eyes the same way again. they are rat and beady-like. >> they are quite beady-like. >> thank you. i'm having them completely

redone. they're going to be twice the size. it's a very rare operation you can get. i'll talk about it later. but i remembered, you know, at the time there was an intense amount of criticism. when you think about it, replacing david letterman at the height of his abilities, and i always said it was sort of like one of the greatest baseball players ever. ted williams departing the field. >> now you're going to tell me about replacing tv legends. >> right. but someone like ted williams leaving the field after a brilliant career and everybody going crazy and cheering and then them saying don't worry, his replacement is here. chip whitley and a guy like me rubbing out, hi, chip whitley here. don't worry about ted williams, i'm going to catch up real soon and striking out right away. you can imagine what the reaction would be. so i never in my heart had any really -- had any ill will towards people because i think i -- if i could have -- if i had

not been myself and had watched conan o'brien debut after david letterman, i'd have been horrified as well. >> what you didn't know that day at harvard in 2000 was that you were going to land the holy grail of comedy, "the tonight show". >> right. >> and then you were going to have another down moment. >> oh, yeah. and in a way, you know, i say i'm going to go on to have more, bigger failures, i wrote that thinking not really. >> let's take a break because i want to hang on the big -- the big moment. whatever you want to call it. let's find out what you really thought. >> did you get hit by a softball? >> yeah. >> i don't get softball. it's softball, but the ball is not soft at all. and if it hits you -- >> this is a seinfeld routine. this is incredible. that was great. that was observational comedy. >> i'm going to get you in the comedy club tomorrow. you should do 10 minutes on this. it's really fun. [ male announcer ] citi turns 200 this year.

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forgive me for making this all about me, but that's kind of what i do. >> it's your show. >> i was delighted by everything that happened, except you losing your job. >> i will tell you, i will tell you and this is honest, the only consolation i took during that

period was that you were happy. >> you know, i refer to that period as the golden age of television, really. >> the period when i lost "the tonight show." >> yes. >> that brief week and a half period for you is the golden age of broadcasting. >> that's right. >> conan o'brien on cbs's late show with david letterman. all laughing around then, but it's no secret that -- well, let's go to the moment you got "the tonight show." that moment is the holy grail of comedy in america. >> right, right. >> when you got it, is that how you felt? did you feel, this is it, i've got my 20-year plan now worked out for me? >> probably on some level you think this is going to be fantastic and then there's another level where they announced it, you know, it was the strange -- now clearly absurd plan that was announced, you know, five years ahead of time like one of stalin's grain production plans for the soviet union. it was like this will happen.

and, you know, that's just not how television works. in retrospect now, you realized it's a strange thing to have this weird handover -- >> that cutoff point, you could see then the ratings were still pretty good, you were still number one. >> right. >> did you start to think this is going to be tricky? whatever happens, this is going to be an odd psychological thing. because the guy leaving, isn't leaving as a failure. >> right, right. >> he's leaving because he has to contractually. >> right. well, the thing i'd say there, no "tonight show" host has left. that was not the reason for any of them going. you know, johnny -- i think the concept was and the network and everybody, no one was expecting that to change. i certainly wasn't expecting that to change for jay. and i don't think that was necessarily the motivation. it was, you know, let's move on to the next generation. >> so was that the greatest moment of your career, landing "the tonight show." ? >> well, no.

i don't think so, no, because obviously in retrospect there was this announcement and then it never, you know, it never did feel like it really happened. >> it took five years. >> it took five years and was there for a few months and there was a plan to shift this later and have him come back. it all seemed so silly. i'm honestly happier now. i'm honestly -- this feels to me now like a greater achievement for me, anyway, because i'm doing exactly the show i want to do. i'm doing it with people that i love and we get to do it our way and we're with these amazing partners at turner. so for me this actually feels like more of an achievement. >> and also, this is where, i guess, all the catastrophes you had to endure in your earlier career, you can put it in some perspective. actually you always bounced back to something better. >> right. >> the pattern has always been something has gone wrong and then boom. >> yeah. i think, you know, someone said to me, i think it was my dad

said if you read anybody biography, my dad and i both love history. if you read any biography of a great figure or great historical figure, if you cut to the middle of the book, there's always a lot of trouble, like church ill. and not that i'm a great figure or ever would be, but there should be in a good career, there should be a lot of challenges. and so i wouldn't -- i would honestly not really change anything that happened. it's been fascinating. it brought me to where i am now, which i love. >> what did your parents say to you when it ended? >> they don't follow the news. they think i'm still hosting "the tonight show." they think i'm doing a lovely job. they're very confused. >> do you feel more free, more liberated? >> yeah, definitely. >> because it seems to me you are. when i go on your show -- >> they let me do whatever i want. you know, we are partnered with

turner on this, and it's a fantastic opportunity to -- first of all, they encourage us to travel the show constantly. we've already been to new york and chicago. we've traveled twice in one year, which is unheard of for these shows. and they have also really -- they have been amazing partners in helping us build what i think is a new kind of talk show, where we have an incredible social network presence and we're also able to have this show that's very -- i think a very funny show, but also a show that is having a dialogue with our audience. we're actually talking to our audience, they can talk back through the social network. they can sometimes affect what happens on the show. so in that way i think it's been really thrilling. you know, creatively the last two years. >> let's take another break. i want to come back and talk about some of your greatest hits as a talk show host. >> okay. >> an unrelently positive segment. >> oh good. >> no more humiliations, no more

failures, no more rising from the ashes. pure glory. >> wow, let's get to that. that will be nice. ♪ why not try someplace different every morning? get two times the points on dining in restaurants with chase sapphire preferred. but they haven't experienced extra strength bayer advanced aspirin. in fact, in a recent survey, 95% of people who tried it agreed that it relieved their headache fast. visit fastreliefchallenge.com today for a special trial offer.

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♪ i pity the fool that messes with me ♪ this is the instrumental part. >> all my skills are really

amazing. >> stuck into the room? >> i sneaked into the room. snuck isn't a word, conan. you went to harvard and you should know that. >> snuck. past and past part of sneak. >> look at me, i'm conan o'brien. with my feet up on the desk and phone in the show. well, by god, i've got a couple of words for you. you better get your act together! >> so some skits from the late show. you've done thousands of interviews now and thousands of monologues. if i said you've got five minutes left to live, you can relive any moment from any of those shows. >> so this is the positive part of the interview, i've got five minutes left to live. >> yeah, you've got five minutes left to live. what would you go for. >> which guest?

>> or a moment or something where you thought it defined or you for whatever reason was particularly memorable. >> okay. well, you know, i did a very silly remote once where we found a group of baseball players that play baseball in late 19th century rules. they do it in the costume with the mustaches. so i went out and put on the mustache and spoke in that sort of turn of the century baseball and it was so me. i've always said whenever i go, don't even give a eulogy, just show that piece. and it only lasts a few minutes. but it's me with the big mustache and acting like a complete ass. and that's my favorite thing to do. it was right in my wheel house, so to speak. very silly but also had these great magical moments in it. and so i would say roll that. >> throw your best apple,

hurler. if that was any lower, i'd have to dig to hades itself to find the apple. why not dig a trench. then the ball would be as low as you seem to wish it to be. that was no strike. one more of those and you'll regret it, see. what is that demonry? >> in terms of guests, who are the ones that when you see they're coming back, your eyes light up because you think, okay, this is going to be great. >> tom hanks is one of the great guests of all time. he's just the whole package. he is a massive superstar who

also is as funny as any comedy writer or comedian that i've ever known. and also knows how to tell a story. they don't exist anymore, people like that. >> what is the nightmare guest for you, generically. >> i would say you're awful. dreadful. >> why do you keep having me back? >> you always find your way. we don't even invite you. half the time they pull out to a two-shot and piers is sitting there. >> you did a funny one recently with the romney sons. >> yeah. >> let's have a look at this. >> a large family to me, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. we have a photo here of a family gathering of the romneys. absolutely incredible. you can tell when you guys get together, there's a global khaki shortage. there's a panic worldwide.

>> how comedically has this campaign been for you? >> it's funny, because our show doesn't focus on politics as some of the other shows that do it really brilliantly. we touch on it when it works for us. sometimes my show can be shockingly irrelevant to the news. we also do that. i find sometimes probably people tune into us when they want to escape what's happening in the news because we have the ability sometimes to just create our own comedic world and live off of it. obviously, it's something that is a source of humor, you know, so you figure it out. and it got much better for us once it was decided it was obama versus romney. for a while sorting it out, it gets so complicated that you've got so many comedic angles going, i think once it settled into romney versus obama, it doesn't matter if you're on the left or the right, if they can find a way -- to me that's the only hope, that's the common ground. if we can together come together

and mock "jersey shore" then we've really brought this country together. >> of course you met your wife on a comedy show. >> yes. yes. i met her when i was working on the late night show and went out in the field to shoot a remote. i went to an advertising agency and she was one of the ad execs. >> we're going to take a short break and come back and talk about your wife. >> oh. >> the comedic rock. >> yes. >> who makes who last most. >> interesting. >> and whether you laugh at bed. whether she laughs at you in bed. >> this is going very badly. >> 3, 2, 1. go, cow, go! yes! yes! ttd#: 1-800-345-2550

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>> don't! >> the classic simpsons episode. the fourth best of all time. are you pleased or pissed off it's not in the top three? >> enraged. no, i'm just -- the simpsons for me is a gift that keeps giving because i'm always very clear with people i didn't create that show. that show was up and running and a massive success when they let me step on board for a few seasons just before i took over the over the late night show. so i loved it. and what's nice is those episodes are out, they're always bouncing around. and i can be anywhere in the world, and people will occasionally, in any other country bring up some of the episodes i worked on. it's this beautiful gift that keeps giving. >> let's talk love, romance,

marriage. >> which one? >> start with love. how many times have you been properly love in your life. >> well, as you know i'm married, there's one answer to that, and that is once. >> is that the diplomatic answer? >> i would say properly in love, yes. my wife. >> you never had your heart broken before then? >> it wasn't a woman. it was a cat that betrayed me. we don't want to talk about the animals. yeah, i'm going to go with my answer. my wife. my beautiful wife. >> when did you realize -- >> she's my only true love. >> when did you realize she was the one? >> instantly. >> was it instant? >> i'm just going to give you the answers that are going to make it all okay for me. don't screw with this, okay? instantly. i knew right away. yeah, actually i did know very quickly. it was being shot for

television, so somewhere in the vaults at nbc there's footage of me literally falling for my wife on camera. so -- >> and what was it about her? >> well, to be crass, she's incredibly beautiful, and that was the first attention getter, and i'll admit that does work occasionally for a guy. ladies, a little trick for you. when your beautiful, that can work sometimes. and what was nice we just talked on the phone for a while. that was our relationship. because i'm impotent. is any of this going to get in the papers? but we did talk on the phone for a while, and she's very intelligent and funny and a really good person. so the nice thing is that that was the basis of the

relationship. and, so i just knew. >> are you a romantic man? >> i'm going to say i have the deep, deep down, under layers and layers of repression and ham, and layers of carbohydrates, there's a romantic guy down there, yes. but man, is that covered up. it's a slim jim of romance with massive insulation layers of insecurity and self-loathing wrapped around it. >> how would you like to be remembered? >> that guy was well endowed. massive. he was a freak show. i saw him in a men's room. it was scary. no. obviously, i, you know. if anyone remembers me at all for any amount of time, i would like to be thought of as someone who, i do try, i think, sincerely to be nice to people

and try to make them laugh. and i think mostly it comes from a good place, so that would be nice. if not that the hair i'd like to be known for. and then the endowed thing would be great if we could just slip that in. >> so you make people laugh, you're well endowed and you've got ginger hair. >> you've just verified it, you would know, you've seen me. we often go to the spa together. >> not now. >> all right. it was your idea. >> it was a terrible idea. >> it was your idea to go to the spa. >> this is uncomfortable. >> it turns out it's not even a spa. it's a creepy room that he has. >> you're not going to get the plug if this carries on. >> do you want to read it? >> sure.

watch conan weeknights at 11:00 eastern. weeknights 7:00 central. miss it and you're afool. do it and we'll take a break. angela merkle coming up next. you talk to real people. we had a good time. nice talking to you. sometimes, we go for a ride in the park. maybe do a little sightseeing. or, get some fresh air. but this summer, we used our thank youpoints to just hang out with a few friends in london. [ male announcer ] the citi thankyou visa card. redeem the points you've earned to travel with no restrictions. rewarding you, every step of the way. in every way, shape, and form. it's my dream vehicle. on a day to day basis, i am not using gas.

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tonight's only in america. how to solve a problem like obesity. with millions of americans getting father by the day, what better solution than this. what better solution than this. the pizza dispenser. it's not enough that office workers shove chips and candy down their gull ets. what we need is do it yourself pizza. the company promises from scratch it can be yours in 2.5 minutes. a bag of flour is mixed with water to make the doe. that doe is topped with organic tomato sauce. 150 seconds later, your pizza is ready. your 10.5 mini pie.

the machines will be made in the u.s. for the u.s. why stop here, people? surely the next obvious step is a machine dispensing fried chicken, perhaps a vindaloo curry. i'm just concerned about all those calories that we're going to burn off walking to the let's pizza vending machine. there has to be some genius who can fuse them on to the end of our computers perhaps with a shovel who slides the pizza into our mouths. a cheery thought to leave you with. good night. good evening, everyone. we begin tonight keeping them honest with allegations that a whole bunch of members of congress and their staffers got sweetheart deals on personal home mortgages, deals that most americans had no chance of ever getting, that is unless you knew the right people. a new report out today focuses on allegations that the failed mortgage lender, countrywide

financial, save special treatment to the very senators, congress members an their staffers who were supposed to be regulating them and rest of the lending industry. today's report is by the house oversight committee. it details how this man's countrywide's ceo, oversaw the program giving a lot of people on capitol hill this preferential treatment. it was called the friends of angelo program now, the report today names a string of lawmakers and regulators from both parties, democrats and republicans, who benefited from this vip treatment. senate budget committee chairman, for instance, democrat kent conrad. former democratic senator chris dodd. republican house armed services committee chairman buck mckeon. all three deny any wrongdoing. the former ceo of fannie mae, officials at freddie mac and a secretary of housing and urban development were also in this friends of angelo program. so were congressional staffers from both parties that played a role in legislation that affected countrywide. these vips got favorable