>> this is "piers morgan tonight." >> conan o'brien is very tall, very talented, very irish and perhaps the funniest man with red hair on the entire planet. he's been voted the fourth funniest episode of "simpsons" of all time. you are a man of manial ents aren't you? >> yes, i am. you didn't even scratch the surface. i have a high falsetto. beautiful. i sing like an angel. i'm hairless, completely hairless, my body. there's many things. >> what is the genuinely weirdest thing about you that nobody knows? >> wow, that's a good one. the weirdest thing about me that nobody knows. i can be amusing at times.

>> think about it. i'm on television constantly. since 1993, i'm on tv for a chunk of time every day. i'm not looking for more ways to be on television. and no one in america seems to want me to be on more. so i'm trying to, if anything, pull it back. but i couldn't resist this. you have this beautiful, lucite desk. it's very nice. it's like a classy airport lounge. it's beautiful. but i'm thrilled to be here. >> i'm thrilled you're here. i'm a huge fan, as you know. now, turn me back to the first moment you made someone laugh. do you remember it? >> yes, it was about four years ago. i remember it very well. it was my wife. we had been married at that point for 7 years. let's see, i don't remember the exact moment. my mother claims that as an

infant um, i had mashed up some food in my highchair and was throwing it around and laughing and it was making my brother laugh and her brother, my uncle, said don't laugh, it's going to make him think he's a comedian or something. and then it caught on there. but i think it always starts with the family. it starts with the family. i'm from a large, irish catholic family. and the benchmark for me is trying to make my dad laugh or trying to make my brothers laugh at the table. >> where do you come in the pecking order of the kids? >> we're not sure. we're always finding new ones. i walk into the bathroom, i'm liam. oh, we don't think we've met. there are six of us, i'm third from the top, fourth from the bottom. so i have two older brothers. twoe younger sisters and a younger brother. >> what do they make of being related so closely to the phenomenon? >> i think my brother, luke, looks a lot like me.

we -- luke and i look very similar and he lives in boston. he told me once he was walking to a store to, you know, to buy some embarrassing product. he probably doesn't want me to mention on the air. he has a rash that's chronic. luke, i'm sorry. and piers, i think you asked me specifically what was his ailment. but, anyway, he says he's walking and people will follow him into a store and he'll have to turn and say i'm not him. i'm the smarter -- he is -- he's the smart one in the family. looks of genius. >> you're a very close family. >> um-hmm. >> you're still close. >> we're still close. i talk to someone in my family at least every day. and what's great about my family is they don't care that i'm on television. they don't care. they -- we all make fun of each other and they're very happy.

i don't know, in your country, i think it's take the piece out of someone. they love to do that. >> it's not a very common thing in american psyche to take the piss, as we call it. sarcasm isn't a massively advanced part of the american humor. >> it is in different parts -- it depends on where you're from. in boston, it's a very strong thing. in boston, they love to take you down a peg the second you show up back in town. it's something about that place. and it's what i love about boston. this is a true story. i showed up in boston once a couple of months ago. and i arrived at logan airport. there's a cab because i'm going the take a cab to my parents house. so i'm headed towards the cab line. and long before i get a chance to get to the back of the cab line, this guy sees me coming and he's the guy that runs the cab line, he says back of the line, tv star. i said i was headed to the back. yeah, you're like the rest of us

now, pal. they don't give you a chance. they need to take you down a notch right away. >> when you were young, in the third grade -- >> when i was younger? >> younger. apologies. >> you're in the third grade, you did charlie chaplain. you said mom and dad, i'm going to be in showbiz. i need to learn to tap dance. >> yeah, true story. i had this very -- television in those days was very different from tv now. but in the 1970s, there's only a couple of channels. and the uhf stations, channel 38 and channel 56, all of their programming is showing all movies. that's what i watched. i grew up on old movies. my parents wouldn't let me -- >> was it gene kelly? fred estaire? >> yeah, i was watching old gangster movies, loved those. angels with dirty faces and humphrey bogart films.

i thought like an idiot, i, in the 1970s, thought that was what entertainers needed to have to know. you had to know how to sing, dance, move, you had to know how to do it all. so i marched up to my parents and i said i need to know how to tap dance. and they thought all kinds of things. they said okay, let's call him on his bluff. and they found me this really old african american gentleman named stanley brown who said -- who had been the protege of bil "bo jangles" robinson and taugt all of these people how to dance. i was the only white kid there. and not only that, i was tiny and i had bright orange hair. so all of these beautiful, black women are learning jazz, tap and

all of this kind of stuff. and then i would march in with my box of shiny shoes. hey, everybody. let's get started. and then he would work with me. and so my parents, god bless them, they were great. my dad is a microbiologist and my mom is a lawyer. >> have they ever regretted helping you get into showbizness? >> i'm sure they have. >> i know my mom, when it's going great, it's obviously fantastic. when things don't go so well and you get hammered, mothers hate that. they feel it very personal. >> yeah, mothers don't like it. but, my parents u the second i was paying my own rent, they didn't care what i did. that's just true. when i paid the first rent check of my own after i got out of college and i moved out and i started paying my own rent, if i would have said i'm a hired asas

sane, we don't care. >> i have to say this is true of a lot of comedians. i've talked to other comedians and heard them say the same thing. for most of us, it's getting girls to notice us. it really is. and it's still probably on some level. i'm very happily married, two kids, but there is something, initially, especially in those early days, you notice, you go through the checklist in your mind of what do i have that might "interest" a girl. and i didn't have much. i would go through the list. i'm not a good athlete, blah, blah, blah, go down the list, the hairs a little silly. the name is weird. and then i got to -- they laugh. when i start joking around, they laugh.

and they hang around a little bit. so probably that's the initial -- if i'm going to be brutally honest, it was just to get -- >> just to get girls? >> not even that -- not even to get them. to get them to look in my drexz, piers. i'm taking it down to a much more basic level, you know. >> you've moved to l.a. that was after harvard. i want to come to your classic commencement speech. >> oh, that was the fourth greatest. have they ranked them? i'm very competitive. >> you're fourth on the list of simpsons episode. >> that i can accept. >> this is top drawer. when you went through harvard, everything must have seemed like it was going -- you've got no agony, no torment, no pain. >> that's the dumbest thing anyone has ever said to me, piers.

and i mean that in the nicest way. it's hard to look at someone's life in the abstract. >> where was your agony? >> insecurity. a feeling that i don't deserve to be where i am. for example, i think when i went to -- i worked very hard in high school. that's the dirty little secret about me. i was always a very hard-working stunt. and i want today go to a good school and worked really hard to go to a good school. when i got there, immediately had the fear that a lot of people have, which is i don't belong here. these other people know a lot more than i do. they're smarter. i'm the fake. i'm the phony. and i think that is the common denominator that you see with a lot of people. whether they're artists or performers, they don't think -- >> you still feel it? >> yes, i feel it today i wasn't sure they'd let me in here. >> is it a pressure to be funny? that must be very particular. >> it's funny. it's odd or ironic, whatever you want to call it. but my desire -- getting into

comedy was a very beautiful accident because i worked very hard at everything. and i tried really hard. comedy was something that i stumbled into when i was in college. so i kind of gave up on it and became a really good student. and then accidentally stumbled into the college humor magazine. and it was like falling off a log and discovering what it is i was meant to do. i loved it. i had never valued being funny that much. i thought oh, that's just something i do with my friends. and then suddenly, i saw it has some cachet in the real world. and that these older students seem to think i'm funny. so a lot of that changed my

outlook on what i could do for a living. >> so you're in harvard, you're doing brilliantly. you're making people laugh. everything is going great. let's take a short break. because after the break, it all goes horribly wrong. >> sex change. >> i didn't want to mention it e it first. >> i was a girl. no, i was a boy. i was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning because my back hurt so bad. the sleep number bed conforms to you. i wake up in the morning with no back pain. i can adjust it if i need to...if my back's a little more sore. and by the time i get up in the morning, i feel great! if you have back pain, toss and turn at night or wake up tired with no energy, the sleep number bed could be your solution. the sleep number bed's secret is it's air chambers which provide ideal support and put you in control of the firmness. and the bed is perfect for couples because each side adjusts independently to their unique sleep number. here's what clinical research has found: ® 93%

of participants experienced back-pain relief. ® 90% reported reduced aches and pains. ® 87% fell asleep faster and enjoyed more deep sleep. for study summaries, call this number now. we'll include a free dvd and brochure about the sleep number bed including prices, and models plus a free $50 savings card. and how about this? steel springs can cause uncomfortable pressure points. but the sleep number bed contours to your body. imagine how good you'll feel when your muscles relax and you fall into a deep sleep! i'm not just a back surgeon, i'm also a back patient. i sleep on the sleep number bed myself and i highly recommend it to all of my patients. need another reason to call? the sleep number bed costs about the same as an innerspring but lasts twice as long. so if you want to sleep better or find relief for your bad back, call now. call the number on your screen for your free

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but i tell you all of this for a reason. i didn't have a lot of success. i had a lot of failure. i looked good; and i looked bad. i've been praised; and i've been criticized. >> you wrote this incredible commencement speech at harvard for the year 2000. and i want to sort of tell the story of what happened to you after you left harvard through the prism of this speech. it was a wonderful, life template, i think, for anyone who is considering life after college. you said, you see, kids, after graduating in may, i move to

graduating in may, i move to los angeles, i bought an opal car. it's a car that -- >> the isuzu manufactured it. >> they found out technically, it's not a car. >> i don't know what it was. it was a hair brush more than a car. >> and you must be thinking i'm a harvard graduate. i've been on the show. life is beautiful. >> i love to pretend that's what i thought. but i never feel that way. anyone who knows me will tell you i never think we're in good shape now: i've never done that. but, yes, i got that job and then, as i said in the speech, my writing partner found that i lost that job. and then, a lot of series of misadventures of highs and lows. >> at one stage, you're sent to wilson's house of suede and leather and you're sitting there thinking how did a harvard graduate end up there? >> i had those thoughts many times. where you're -- in los angeles, if you don't have a job, there's something about it that's more profoundly depressing than maybe

not having a job other places. >> well, because all around you are success stories. >> yes. >> the whole machinery of the city is geared towards success. when it's great, it's the best place to be in the world. when it goes wrong, it's the most lonely place on earth. >> also, on this town, when you walk on a sidewalk, you're perceived as a failure. >> if you walk, you're perceived as a failure. >> exactly. you could walk on three blocks in this town and people will pass you who know you and say that's too bad. what happened to conan? it's not like new york or any other city in that way. so, yeah, that was a very -- there's lots of intense kind of despair. >> you then get a big break. "saturday night live." >> i believe this gentleman has something to say. >> well, i just completed your course. and i never dreamed i could be this handsome.

thanks. >> you're handsome. give that man a round of applause. >> and after a year and a half they read your sketches, they give you a two-week try out. two weeks turn into two seasons and you think i've made it. i'm an "snl" superstar. and off you go. the tv show is going to be ground breaking. it's going to resurrect the career of tv's "batman" adam west. even as you're saying this, i'm fearing the worst. it was going to be a comedy with a laugh track of a studio audience. it was going to change all of the rules. and here's what happened. when the pilot aired, it was the second lowest rated television show of all time. >> true, true. i've seen the test pattern and it's funny. it's a very funny test pattern. >> so what are you thinking? you've had this terrible disaster. and then you get a break. and then you get a little above yourself and then another

disaster. what is going through your mind? >> you know, i'm irish. so we always think the worst is 10 minutes away. so there's part of me that was always half expecting that. but, yeah, i think you constantly think it's over. i mean, i've had that feeling i guess it's over about 35 times in my career. one of them was just five minutes ago. >> is it the kind of career -- it alms strikes me as odd that it's the kind of career comedy that attracts a lot of neurotic, insecure people. it's almost the worst thing they should be going in for because that pressure to make people laugh, is like nothing. when a joke doesn't work and there's a terrible reaction, it feels awful. i can feel the center of my body starting to compress. i don't know how you guys do this. >> well, first of all, i've never experienced what you're talking about.

every joke has worked. there's 35,000 of them and they've all gone brilliantly. you know, what's interesting is that, for me, i'm one of those people that comedy is the release. comedy is the -- doing comedy, although it can be scary and difficult, i find more agony in other things, do you know what i mean? if someone asked me to make them a sandwich, i would have more fear revolving around making that sandwich and insecurity than i would about doing comedy. so comedy, in a strange way is an escape. >> is there an arctic? people that work with me tell me you have an incredible instinct for what's going to be funny. is it your instinct? >> i don't think about -- i just try to think about what i would like. >> what you would personally find funny? >> i don't know how to do it the other way. you make slight adjustments over the years. you learn this kind of thing

probably wouldn't work for these reasons. but, to me, there's a very strong -- comedy and music are very close together. and that's why musicians are always fascinated with comedy and want to be comedians and comedians all want to be musicians, myself included. there's something about having an ear for it. and the people i really like have a comedy ear. they have a sense. they have a sixth sense about what might work. and they go with that rather than trying to extrapolate what's the audience really going the like. >> your comedy here took you to a chance to audition for the new "late night show." it was 1993. you said i was really, really happy. i've seized the moment. i put my very best foot forward. this is still the commencement speech. and that's when the most respected critic wrote in the

washington post "o'brian is a living collage. he has dark and beady little eyes like a rabbit. he's one of the whitest white men ever. he's the host who should never have come. late the late show with conan o'brien become the late, late show. there's more, but he gets kind of mean. you get absolutely buried by the number one critic. >> that was the nice part, yeah. >> and when you read that, what did you feel? >> i think it kind of was a weird elation. >> no, i always respond inappropriately. you know, at the time, it's devastating, you know, to who can read something like that and not be devastated. i've never thought about my eyes the same way again. >> they are beady like. >> thank you. i'm having them completely redone. it's a very rare operation you can get. i'll talk about it later. but i remembered, at the time, you know, there was an intense

amount of criticism, think about it, replacing david letterman at the height of his abilities. and i always said it was like one of the greatest baseball players ever, ted williams, departing the field. >> you're not going to tell me about replacing tv legends. >> exactly. but someone like ted williams leaving the field after a bril yant career and ervelg going crazy and cheering and them saying don't worry, his replacement is here, chip whitley and a guy like me running. hi, chip whitley here. don't worry about ted williams, i'm going to catch up real soon. and then striing out right away. you can imagine what the reaction would be. i never in my heart had any -- really had any ill will towards people because i think -- if i could have -- if i had not been myself and had watched conan o'brien debut after david letterman, i would have been horrified, as well. >> what you did learn was, of course, you were going to land the holy grail of comedy, "the tonight show kwtsd.

and then you were going to have another down moment. >> oh, yeah. and, in a way, you know, i say i'm going to go onto have more -- you know, bigger failures. i wrote that thinking not really. >> let's take a break. i want to hang on with the big moment, whatever you want to call it. let's find out what you really think. >> did you get hit by a softball? >> yeah. >> i don't get softball. it's softball, but the ball is not soft at all. and if it hits you -- >> this is a seinfeld routine. this is incredible. that was observational comedy. i'm going to get you in a comedy club tomorrow. you should do ten minutes on this. it's really funny. >> announcer: meet tom, a proud dad whose online friends all "like" the photos he's posting. oscar likes tom's photos, but he loves the access to tom's personal information. oscar's an identity thief who

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forgive me for making this all about me, but that's kind of what i do. i was delighted by everything that happened, expect for you losing your job. >> i will tell you -- i will tell you, and this is honest, the only consolation i took

during that period was that you were happy. >> you know, i refer to that period as the golden age of television, really. >> the period when i lost "the tonight show." that brief week and a half period, for you, is the golden age of broadcasting. >> all laughing around there, but it's no secret. let's go to the moment you got "the tonight show." that moment is the holy grail of comedy in america. when you got it, is that how it felt? given all that happened to you before, did you feel this is it? i've got my 20-year plan worked out for me? >> probably on some level, you think this is going to be fantastic. and then there's another level where they announced it, you know, it was this strange, now it's clearly absurd plan it was announced, you know, five years ahead of time. like one of stalin's grain

production plans for the soviet union. this will happen and, you know, that's just not how television works. so in retrospekt, now, you realize it's a strange thing to have this weird handover. >> has it crept near that cutoff point and you could see that leno's ratings were still pretty good and he's number one. did you think this is going to be tricky? whatever happens, this is going to be an odd psychological thing. the guy that's leaving isn't a failure, he's leaving contractually? >> well, the thing i say there is i don't know "the tonight show" host has left. i think the concept was and the network and everybody, no one was expecting that to change. i certainly wasn't expecting that to change for jay. and i don't think that was necessarily the motivation. it was, you know, let's move on

to the next generation. >> so was that the greatest moment of your career? >> well, no. i don't think so, no. i think, obviously, in retrospect, there was this announcement and it never, you know, i never feel like it really did happen. >> it took five years for -- >> it took five years and was there for a few months and there was a plan to maybe shift this later and have him come back. it all seemed so silly. and i'm honestly happier now, you know. i'm honestly, this, feels to me, now, like a greater achievement for me, anyway. because i'm doing exactly the show i want to do. i'm doing it with people that i love. and we get to do it our way and with these amazing partners at turner. so, for me, this actually feels like more of an achievement. >> this is where i guess all of the catastrophes you had to enjoy in your earlier career, you could put it in some perspective that you've always bounced back to something better. the patent has always been something goes wrong and then boom.

>> i think, yeah, you know, someone said to me -- i think it was my dad said if you read any biography of a great figure or a great historical figure, if you cut to the middle of the book, there's always a lot of trouble. like churchill. there's lots of disappointment. not that i'm a great figure or whatever, but there should be, in a good career, there should be a lot of challenges. and, so, i wouldn't -- i would honestly not really change anything that happened. it's been fascinating. it brought me to where i am now, which i love. >> what did your parents say to you when it ended? >> they don't follow the news. they think i'm still hosting "the tonight show." >> do you feel more free? more liberated? >> yeah, absolutely. >> you have a lot of autonomy, don't you? >> yeah, you know, we e

partnered with turner on this and it aes a fantastic opportunity to dshl first of all, they encourage us to travel the show constantly. we've already been to new york and chicago. we've traveled twice in one year, which is unheard of for these shows. and they've also really -- they've been amazing partners in helping us build kwh i think is a new kind of talk show where we have an incredible social network presence and we're also able to have this show that's very -- i think a very funny show. but, also, a show that is having a dialogue with our audience. we're actually talking to our audience, they can talk back to us through the social network. so in that way, i think it's been really thrilling, creatively, for the last 12 years. >> let's talk about talk show hosts. it's going to be an unrelently positive segment. pure glory. >> yes.

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adjusts independently to their unique sleep number. here's what clinical research has found: ® 93% of participants experienced back-pain relief. ® 90% reported reduced aches and pains. ® 87% fell asleep faster and enjoyed more deep sleep. for study summaries, call this number now. we'll include a free dvd and brochure about the sleep number bed including prices, and models plus a free $50 savings card. and how about this? steel springs can cause uncomfortable pressure points. but the sleep number bed contours to your body. imagine how good you'll feel when your muscles relax and you fall into a deep sleep! i'm not just a back surgeon, i'm also a back patient. i sleep on the sleep number bed myself and i highly recommend it to all of my patients. need another reason to call? the sleep number bed costs about the same as an innerspring but lasts twice as long. so if you want to sleep better or find relief for

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>> my shows are really amazing. look at me, i'm conan o'brien. well, by god, i've got a couple of words for you. you better get your act together. >> saw your greatest hits there from the late show. when you look back there, you've done thousands of interviews now

and thousands of monologues. >> so this is the positive part of the interview? i've got five minutes left to live? >> yeah. >> fantastic. >> what would you go for? >> which guest would i go for? >> or a moment or something where you really thought it defined you or for whatever reason, was particularly memorable. >> wow, okay. i did a very silly remote once where i -- we found a group of baseball players that played baseball in late 19th century rules. and they do it in the costume with the mustaches so i went out and spoke in that turn of the century baseball. and it was so me. i've always said whenever i go, don't even give a eulogy, just shoe that piece. and it only lasts a few minutes. it's me with a big mustache. that's my favorite thing to do. it was right in my wheel house. very silly, but also had these great, magical moments in me.

so i would say roll that. ♪ >> if that was any lower, i'd have to dig to haitis itself to find the apple. why not dig a trench? that was no strike. >> one more and you'll regret it, see. >> in terms of guests, who are

the ones when you see coming back, your eyes light up because you think this is going to be great. >> tom hanks is one of the great guests of all dime. he's just the whole package. he is a masive super star who also is as funny as any comedy writer or comedian that i've ever known. and also knows how to tell a story. they don't exist anymore. >> what is the nightmare guest, generically? >> i would say you're awful. dreadful. >> why do you keep having me back? >> you always find your way in. we don't even invite you. half the time we pull to a two-shot and piers is sitting there. >> you had a funny one with romney. >> a large family to me, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. we have a photo here of a family

gathering of the romneys. absolutely incredible. you can tell when you guys get together, there's a global khaki shortage. there's a panic worldwide. >> how rich has this campaign been for you? >> it's funny because our show doesn't focus on politics as some of the other shows that do it really brilliantly. we touch on it. we touch on it when it works for us. sometimes my show can be shockingly irrelevant to the news. we also do that. i find sometimes probably people tune into us when they want to escape what's happening in the news because we have the ability sometimes to just create our own comedic world and live off of it. but, obviously, it's something that is a source of humor and, you know, so you figure it out. and it got much better for us once it was decided it was obama

versus romney. for a while, you've got so many angles going, once it settled into romney versus obama, it doesn't matter if you're on the left or the right, if you can find a way, to me, that's the only hope. that's the common ground. if we can together come together and mock "jersey shore" then we've brought this country together. >> of course you met your wife on a comedy show? >> yes. yes, well, i met her when i was working the "late night show" and i went to an advertising agency and she was one of the ad execs. >> we're going to take a short break and come back and talk about your wife. i want to know who makes who laugh most. and whether you laugh in bed. whether she laughs at you in bad. ♪

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and i swear it's springfield's only choice. throw up your hands and raise your voice. what's it called?

>> monday. >> monday. >> monday. >> sorry, mom, the mob has spoken. ♪ monday monday ♪ >> doh! >> the classic marge versus the monorail simpsons. the fourth best of all time. now, you're in the top three? >> enraged? no, i'm just, you know, the simpsons, for me, is a gift that keeps giving because i'm always very clear with people i didn't create that show. i did nothing -- that show was up and running and a mass of success when they let me step on board for a few seasons.

i can be anywhere in the world and people will occasionally -- in any other country bring up one of the episodes i worked on. in that way, it's this beautiful gift that keeps giving, yeah. >> let's talk love, romance, marriage. how many times -- >> well, which one? >> let's start with love. how many times have you been properly in love in your life? >> well, as you know, i'm married so there is one answer to that. >> is that the diplomatic answer? >> i would say properly in love, yes, my wife liza. >> you've never had your heart broken before that? >> it wasn't a woman, it was a cat that betrayed me. we don't want to talk about the animals. i -- i'm going to go with my answer, my wife. my beautiful wife. >> when did you realize she was the one? >> she was my only true love. >> when did you realize that he was the one?

>> instantly. >> was it instantly? >> i'm just giving you the answers that are going to make it all okay for me. don't screw with this, okay? instantly, i knew right away. yeah, actually i did know very quickly. we were -- it was being shot for television, so somewhere in the vault at nbc, there's footage of me literally falling for my wife on camera. so it's -- >> what was it about her? >> she -- well, to be crass, she's incredibly beautiful. so that was the first attention getter. and i'll admit that that does work occasionally on a guy. ladies, little trick for you. when you're really beautiful, that can work sometimes. and then, what was nice, is that we just talked on the phone for a while. that was our relationship, because i'm impotent. is any of this going to get in the papers, do you think?

this won't get out. we did talk on the phone for a while, and she's very intelligent and funny, and a really good person. so the nice thing is that that was the basis of the relationship. so i just knew. >> are you a romantic man? >> i'm going to say i have deep, deep down under layers and layers of repression and ham, and layers of carbohydrates, there's a romantic guy down there, yes. but, man, is that covered up. it's a slim jim of romance with massive insulation layers of insecurity and self-loathing wrapped around it. >> how would you like to be remembered? >> that guy was well endowed. massive. just -- he was a freak show. i saw him in a men's room. it was scary. that's the kind of.

no, honestly i would -- if anyone remembers me at all for any amount of time, i would like to be thought of as someone who -- i do try, i think, sincerely to be nice to people and try to make them laugh. and i think mostly it comes from a good place, so that would be nice. if not that the hair, i'd like to be known for. and then the endowed thing would be great, if we could just slip that in. >> so you make people laugh, you're well endowed and you have ginger hair. >> yes. >> that's not bad thing to be remembered by. >> i think in way, you've defined it as a journalist. those three are all true, and you would know, you've seen me -- we with often go to the spa together. >> come on. >> it was your idea. >> a terrible idea. >> it was your idea to go to the

spa. it was your spa! i thought it was a weird place. turns out, it's not even a spa. it's a room. a creepy room that he has. >> you're not going to get your plug if this goes on. >> oh, yeah. >> do the plug. >> you want to read it? >> watch conan weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 p.m. central on tbs. miss it and you're a fool. wale take a break. when we come back, madeleine albright will be here. she is going to make cookies with us. also, angela merkel coming up next. you talk to real people who have do real things. what was this? the morning because my back hurt so bad. the sleep number bed conforms to you. i wake up in the morning with no back pain. i can adjust it if i need to...if my back's a little more sore. and by the time i get up in the morning, i feel great! if you have back pain, toss and turn at night or wake up tired with no energy, the sleep number

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tonight's only in america. with people getting fatter by the day. what better solution than this? it's the ultimate vending machine. the pizza dispenser. what we need in the world place

is do it yourself pizza. there it is. bright red and ready for your order. it's called let's pizza and the company promises from scratch it's yours in 2 1/2 minutes with the flick of a button. a bag of flour inside is mixed with water to create a dough and it has organic tomato sauce and the cheese and after that, a quick trip to the oven. 150 seconds later, your pizza is ready! for 10 1/2 minipie the suggested retail prize is $5.95 and a neat twist the let's pizza machines will be made in the u.s. for the united states. the next step is a machine dispensing fried chicken and calamari and all available at that one press of a button at work. i'm just concerned about all of those calories. we're going to burn off walking with let's pizza vending machine. has to be some genius watchi