>> fence or wall. oh, it's a big wall. it ugly. really ugly. you can see it is not far away from here. i. tonight, pastor rick warren, his prayer in the wake of the mass shooting. >> i got on my knees and prayed for those who died a he those who are wounded and my heart went out to them. >> it's an issue that touches them deeply. their son shot himself to death, losing a battle with mental illness. >> there's no way that a gun should get in the hands of a mentally ill person. >> tonight he talks about how he returned to his church. >> i was overwhelmed by the love of our people. >> how he and his wife handled the haters that attacked them.

rick warren and his wife kay since the family tragedy. >> we stood in the driveway just embracing each other, sobbing. >> this is "piers morgan live." here we me now is rick warren and his wife kay. this is the first interview since the death of their son matthew. >> thank you. >> my deepest condolences on this awful loss to you and your family. >> thank you. >> obviously you're very famous, rick, and it flew around, i can only imagine what it was like for you two. how have you been coping? >> well, you know, elizabeth

kubler ross did this stage of dying. and i think there's actually six. we've gone back and forth for months. the first stage is shock. and for us the shock still happens. but at least for the first month i thought matthew was going to walk through the door. i couldn't believe it had happened. it was just so sudden. and then you go through this profound sadness that comes into your life. then you move to what i call struggle. and that's all the why questions. why now, why this, why many, why matthew. and all of that struggle. and then you move to a stage that i call surrender. i wrote in my journal, i tweeted, i'd rather have all of my requests and not have all of me questions answered than not

walk with god. and then you move to what i call santification and then service. and service is i think god wants us to use a hurt. one reason we decided to do this interview with you, maybe we can help some other people. >> i feel very honored you asked me to do this interview. you're a mother of three children, it's the worst thing in the world, i have four kids. the thing you dread most is losing one of your kids. how have you been coping with this? >> you know, i've said almost from the first moment that we learned, that we're devastated but we're not destroyed. when people ask that question how are you? there's no good answer. so i finally just settled on, i'm terrible but i'm kay. in other words, we're going to survive, we're going to survive and some day we'll thrive again. it is. it's the worst thing that could ever happen. >> i have cried every single day since matthew died.

that's actually a good thing. grief is a good thing. it's the way we get through the transitions of life. i find if i don't cry, then you stuff it. i have a saying, when i swallow my emotions, my stomach keeps score. if i don't talk it out to my wife, to god, my friends, i will take it out on my bodies. as guys, men, we don't do grief very well. it's not an easy thick for us. we don't like the negative emotion. grief is a good thing. grief is the way we get through the transitions of life and been helpful to me. >> on the morning that matthew died, you both had this strange sense of foreboding. you'd been with him the night before. >> yes. >> he was a troubled boy. i will come to the mental health issues he battled his entire life. tell me why you both felt this sense of foreboding, starting with you, rick. >> well, it's -- i had been going through a whole week that i had been doing what i called

the battle for hope. the sunday was easter, the biggest day for saddleback and i preached 14 times and why you needed a message of hope. on each day i had a battle for hope. on each day of that week i had a battle of hope. on monday we announced i was starting a national radio program called daily hope and tuesday i announced i would write the first book since "purpose driven life" entitled "the hope you need" and the next day, called "struggling through your worst days. in fact, that weekend i ended up having tom preach it, what to do on the worst day of your life, not even knowing that would be the worst day of my life. and then on the radio program that was airing a week old, it was called "winning the battle for your mind." now, the irony of that with a son who lost hope, took his

life, and had struggled for 27 years, a tender hard but a tortured mind. we just had this sense of foreboding that day. >> how had he been the night before? >> you know, he was -- it was actually one of the best weeks he'd had in a long time. >> it had been. >> we weren't surprised matthew took his life because he had been struggling with suicidal ideation for quite a while. we were surprised it was that kay. he had a date lined up for that saturday. he had a bag of new towels, he told me how he was going to upgrade his phone to an iphone 5. he had another gal that he was going to go to a fast food store because she thought he was laying eyes on him. he laid his head on the kitchen table, i was making dinner, he just said, i'm so tired, i'm so tired. he had been asked to be a part of this offline chat room he was very excited about. he said, you know, the pressure,

i want people to like me but if they do, then there's the -- can i maintain it and there's so much pressure. he left, i walked him out to the car and helped him carry stuff, gave him a hug, rick hugged him before he left. >> yeah. no sense of conflict. >> i mean, he was tired. but when we got his phone back from the police, i checked and at 9:45 p.m. he was texting the girl he was going to have a date with. nine minutes later he text me and said i feel like it's all spiralling out of control and i'm going to take my life. in mine minutes. >> it was like a switch. >> he went -- i was in a texting conversation with him then for the next hour trying to talk him off that ledge, talk him into it. i knew it was very desperate. i knew he had a gun. i knew that there was -- that he had the lethal means. >> had the means now.

>> so not only was he impulsively in despair but i knew he could do something about it. >> how did you know he had the gun? >> he told me. >> he told us. >> he told us everything? >> i will come to that. he bought the gun online illegally. >> he did. >> but you knew you had a suicidal with a gun. >> then he stopped texting and he was getting more and more agitated. nothing i was saying was making any difference i wasn't able to calm him down. he just stopped? we had talked him off the edge hundreds of time. i just knew. rick was very ill. i made him get out of bed and we drove over to matthew's house. >> at night. >> lights were on. i started ringing the doorbell, banging on the door. typically he would have said go away, come to the door, invite me in. he did nothing. that was not his pattern. a so i had a pretty good sense that something catastrophic had happened. >> what time was this? >> that was late on thursday, april 4th.

so i was pretty sure that something had happened. but he had also told us that if we called the police, that he would take his life instantly. so a call to the police was an instant suicide. so i was living with that horrible, horrible choice of do i call the police and perhaps intervene or do i take that risk if i call and then he instantly kills himself. so we had to wait for a few hours. so, it was into the next day that i felt that he was not responding, and finally, when i sent the text saying, look, i'm calling the police. give me one word that tells me you're okay, one word i won't call the police. >> we'll call 9/11 -- 911, whatever. >> we came back and the same light were on. by there at time we knew. >> you got to the house and had this awful sense he had taken his own life but called police and were waiting. >> right. >> that moment for the both of you must have been beyond

harrowing. >> we were sobbing, just sobbing. the day i feared might happen one day since he'd been born and the day i prayed would never happen happened. and i remember, as we stood in the driveway, just embracing each other and sobbing. and kay was wearing a necklace, you're wearing it today, that had the words of a book she wrote a year ago called "choose joy." and she held it up and it said, "choose joy." and i thought, are you kidding? how can i choose joy in this worst circumstance of my life but we even in that moment were trying to say, we're not in control, but we do have a greater hope and we do have a source of joy that isn't based on our circumstances. and it was a holy moment.

>> but it was an excruciating to sit there, even by that point i knew that he was gone, to have an officer come out the door and just, you know, nod -- >> to say the words you never wanted. >> i hit the ground. i hit the ground. >> and the things you're saying, it's not supposed to end like this. because we had had close calls with matthew made attempts on his life before in other ways and we just kept -- you know, when matthew was born, even as a young child he struggled with mental illness as a child so we knew that this day might happen some day but it's a day that no parent wants. it's your worst nightmare. and i'll never forget, i'll never forget the agony of that

moment. >> let's take a short break. i want to come back and talk to you about the appalling battles that matthew went through, the battles that you went through as parents to try to prevent this from happening. >> good. >> and when they brought his body out, i -- i hugged him for all it was worth. this was the hardest decision i've ever had to make. jim, i adore the pool at your hotel. anna, your hotels have wondrous waffle bars. ryan, your hotels' robes are fabulous. i have twelve of them. twelve? shhhh, i'm worth it& what i'm trying to say is, it's so hard to pick just one of you, so i'm choosing all of you with hotels.com. a loyalty program that requires no loyalty. plus members can win a free night every day only at hotels.com but chantix helped me do it. i told my doctor i think i'm... i'm ready.

[ male announcer ] along with support, chantix (varenicline) is proven to help people quit smoking. it reduces the urge to smoke. i knew that i could smoke for the first 7 days. i knew that i wasn't putting nicotine back into my body to try to quit. [ male announcer ] some people had changes in behavior, thinking or mood, hostility, agitation, depressed mood and suicidal thoughts or actions while taking or after stopping chantix. if you notice any of these, stop chantix and call your doctor right away. tell your doctor about any history of mental health problems, which could get worse while taking chantix. don't take chantix if you've had a serious allergic or skin reaction to it. if you develop these, stop chantix and see your doctor right away as some can be life-threatening. tell your doctor if you have a history of heart or blood vessel problems, or if you develop new or worse symptoms. get medical help right away if you have symptoms of a heart attack or stroke. use caution when driving or operating machinery. common side effects include nausea, trouble sleeping and unusual dreams. if i could describe being a nonsmoker, i would say "awesome." [ male announcer ] ask your doctor if chantix is right for you.

♪ [ male announcer ] bob's heart attack

didn't come with a warning. today his doctor has him on a bayer aspirin regimen to help reduce the risk of another one. if you've had a heart attack, be sure to talk to your doctor before you begin an aspirin regimen. when matthew died several months back, it forced me to do deeper with god than i've ever had to go in my entire life. >> that was from rick warren's saturday sermon how to get through what you're going through. pastor rick warren and kay are speaking to me now exclusively. this is heartbreaking to listen to, never mind a parent, anyone

to go through this. you're there at his house, matthew's house. you now know that he has done what you always hoped he'd never do. did you go in? did you go and try and see him? >> i didn't want to see what the possibility was, so i opened the door, i let the police in and i let them go into the room and i immediately came right back out. i didn't want to -- >> no. we didn't -- neither of us wanted to -- >> see the scene. >> the pictures in our mind were terrible enough. >> bad enough. >> we were fortunate. some people find their loved ones. we were fortunate we did not have to witness that. but they let us know that it was catastrophic enough that the police officer was like, you know, you don't want to -- you don't want to have an open casket. so i assumed i would never see him again, so then i said, i am definitely -- i want to see -- i'm going to hug him when -- when you bring him out. so they did. when they -- then, when they

brought his body out, i -- i, i hugged him for all it was worth and the coroner tried to move me away and i'm just like -- i will be done when i am done. i'm hugging my son until i'm finished. we were really -- it was an amazing blessing to us that they were -- we were able to -- we were able to use a beanie and we were able to have an open casket and viewing for those in our family. that was a treasure. >> it was a closure for us. >> it sounds weird but -- >> no, it doesn't. >> it was a treasure to be able to see him and touch him and hold him again. >> there are more suicides annually in america now than there are from auto accidents. one every 13.7 minutes, even while we've been doing this interview, somebody else has committed suicide in america. what does that tell you?

>> well, on a personal level, on a family level, on a government level, there'd be three different answers. on a personal level it tells me there are a lot of people in despair. not all those people are mentally ill by far. but mental illness is a -- is really in one way the last taboo. >> the leading cause. >> piers, any other organ in my body can get broken and there's no shame, no stigma to it. my liver stops working, heart stops working, my lungs stop working, i have diabetes, my pancreas or adrenaline. but if my brain is broken, i'm supposed to feel bad about it and feel ashamed. a lot of people who should get help don't. >> kay, matthew from a very early age suffered from depression. he was disdiagnosed with bipolar

and other conditions. in the end you believe he was correctly diagnosed eventually with something called -- >> borderline personality disorder? >> what is that? >> borderline personality disorder is a pervasive attachment, if you will, to mood swings, suicide ideation. it's a dysregulation of emotions. there's usually a lot of difficulty in interpersonal relationships. many times people who cut or burn themselves also have borderline personality. it's pervasive, meaning it's just really hard to deal with, but there is hope for it. >> it's hard to imagine all that i've researched on this with you and your family and matthew, it's hard to imagine any who suffers from this kind of illness who's had more love and support from their family, from a wide circle of friends, who's had more treatment from the so-called experts, more institutionalized -- >> right. >> -- moments. everything you can imagine and still it wasn't enough to save him.

>> if you look at the risk factors of what puts people at risk for suicide, matthew had almost none of the risk factors. he had a great, as you say, loving family. he had access to care, he had friends, he had everything. and yet -- >> strong social system around him. >> yeah. the main risk factor for him was mental illness and he had that. >> if love could have kept my child alive, he'd be alive today because he was incredibly loved. he had an older sister and older brother who were fiercely protective of him, even as a young child, when he -- the signs of mental illness came on and we could see it, the whole family rallied around. >> he was not ostracized in any way. >> not in any way. >> he was welcomed in the extended family. he had all of those things that should lower his risk. but we've known for years and years, a decade at least he was trying to take his life. >> how many timed had he actually tried? >> he had actually made two

other attempts that were definite attempts, plus all the attempts to attempt. he would text me and say, i'm trying. i can't make myself do it, i'm such a wimp, i can't even succeed at this. two actual other attempts, one 10 days before he completed it. >> before he had taken an overdose? >> he overdosed. he had -- i'll tell you this. he kept trying. there are charltons on the internet who pray on very vulnerable people like matthew. he didn't want to die violently. he wanted to die in a peaceful way. he tried to buy nimbutol on the internet. people took thousands of dollars from him and never gave it to him. people sold him poison that was supposedly peaceful poison. he really -- he was so desperate to end the pain. that's the most important thing is that matthew was in such excruciating emotional and physical pain. he just wanted the pain to stop.

>> matthew was not afraid to die. he was afraid of pain. i remember 10 years ago, when he was 17, he came to me sobbing and he said, daddy, he said, it's really clear, i'm not going to get any better. we'd gone to the best doctors, hospitals, best treatments, therapists, prayer, everything you could imagine, good support and he says, it's real clear i'm not going to get any better so why can't i just die? i know i'm going to heaven, so why can't i -- he was not afraid to die. >> what did you say to him, rick? >> in that situation, i said, matthew, the reason why, there is a purpose even in our pain. i am not willing to just give up and say the solution isn't there. you might give up but as your father, as your mother, we're not ever giving up that we won't find the solution because i really believe matthew could have been a great advocate for children in the world. he was an amazingly compassionate kid.

he had an ability to walk into a room and he instantly knew who was in the most pain in that room, with his antennae up. he could feel it. he would make a beeline for that person and the rest of the evening during that party he would spend the rest of the time trying to cheer them up and encourage them. he said, dad, i can help a lot of other people, i just can't get it to work for me. in fact, when we later looked at these so-called suicide sites and found a number of people he had actually helped even in his own agony and our -- it's the world's loss that he's not here. >> yeah. >> it's the world's loss. >> let's take another break. let's come back and talk about how he killed himself, the gun he used and how he got that gun. that in itself should never have happened. >> yeah. we're grateful that the law has kept matthew from getting a gun as long as it did. >> yeah.

you're comfortable here. it's where you email, shop, even bank. but are you too comfortable? these days crime can happen in a few keystrokes. american express can help protect you. with intelligent security that learns your spending patterns, and can alert you to an unusual charge instantly. so you can be a member of a more secure world. this is what membership is. this is what membership does.

pastor rick warren is back with me along with his wife, kay. kay, you mentioned earlier you knew matthew had a gun. where did he get this gun? we now know he had mental health issues his whole life. >> he didn't get it legally, that's for sure. the gun laws in california are very strict and they worked. he couldn't get a gun legally. >> had he tried to do it legally? >> yeah. >> for a long time. >> and we're grateful that the law has kept matthew from getting a gun as long as it did. >> but he kept trying. >> he wanted one as far as you're aware, for one purpose. >> only one purpose. >> to take his life. >> it would end it for him and

he was so determined -- >> when did he finally get this gun? >> a month before he took his life. >> do you know how he got it? who he got it from? >> he told me -- he told me everything. he told me he found somebody on the internet who would sell it to him and had to be super encrypted and this whole process and he begged me to help him because he couldn't figure out the process because there's so many moments of terrible choices with mental illness. here's my son in terrible pain begging me to help him get a means to end is pain. it's like, my son, i can't do that. i can help you live. i will do anything to help you live. i cannot help you take your life. he finally, through great struggle was able to figure it out and he got a gun illegally on the internet and then he filed down the serial numbers so we -- made the effort to find

the person and he had done a really good job. >> he didn't want anybody else blamed for his choice. i have to say, piers, one of the hard things was forgiving the person who sold him the gun. i didn't want to forgive him. >> he preyed on a desperate person. >> did you ever find out who it was? the police haven't been able to find out? >> they have never been able to trace the gun because it was so encrypted. >> have you been able to forgive this person? >> yeah. i have to forgive, not for his benefit, for mine. i forgive, first, because i've been forgiven by god. second, unforgiveness makes me missable and miserable and, third, i will need forgiveness in the future. we don't forgive for them, for us. >> i don't want to be tied to that person emotionally the rest of my life. >> the gun itself, kay, i always feel i campaigned a lot about gun control. one of the aspects i don't cover a lot is the suicide rate through guns.

in states there are more guns, there tend to be more suicides. you talked very movingly, rick, after sandy hook and other shootings about the gun culture in america. this is another example but it's touched your family. what can be done about this? is there anything that can be done about it? >> i think, piers, there are multiple angles we have to hit on this because we are in a culture of violence. but it's -- there's the mental health issue, there's the social issue of kids are growing up playing video games and might have shot 30, 40,000 people before they're 16. >> and dehumanized in that thought process. >> dehumanized. it's fun. there's that culture. then there is the issue of gun control. and they don't call an assault rifle an assault rifle for

nothing. it's for assaulting. >> just recently we had this incident at the naval yard in washington. another mass shooting. >> yeah. >> countless more lives devastated. >> yeah. >> so it goes on, just this constant tidal wave. now that you've been so personally touched and you're in such a position of authority. >> yeah. >> is it affecting what you're going to be saying about this going forward? >> yeah. it will affect me in all three of those areas, not simply gun control. by the way, when i heard about that -- those deaths at the naval yard, the first thing i did was get down on my knees and pray for those families of the victims. those who died and those who were wounded. and my heart went out to them. i do think that it should -- there is no way a gun should ever get in the hands of a meant ill person meant lie ill person. there's just no way. as i said, california has one of the strictest gun laws around.

even with strict gun laws, he figured out a way. if you are persistent, you will figure out a way. so in addition to laws that restrict, we also have to go to issues of why did my son want a gun? were there better ways to help him? we, of all people, had the means, the ability, the connection to find help for our son. and if we couldn't find it, what is the person who is a single parent, who has a mentally ill family member or a poor person has a family member, this is an issue that has to be brought to the forefront. >> people say it's the second amendment right of every american to have guns. what do you say to them? >> it is. it's in our constitution, so i don't -- i don't have a problem with that. i am not -- i am not saying that guns should be outlawed completely. i do believe our constitution has that there for a reason. i absolutely do believe in very

strong good laws that protect the innocent, that protect the vulnerable. >> background checks. >> background checks, waiting periods. in fact, something that could be added fairly easily is when firearms are given or you purchase it, there's instructions how to prevent accidental shootings. what if there was just even some information about in that, talking to people about suicide? what if the gun manufacturers and dealers also included information about keeping guns away from people who are mentally ill? some small simple things that could actually prevent the number of deaths that happen by guns. >> let's take another break. i want to talk to you about the months you both basically spent in seclusion after this happened and also about the appalling attacks you got on the internet and others, another curse of the modern age. i want to talk to you about that as well. >> i never questioned my faith in god.

i questioned god's plan. for all those who sleep too hot or too cool,

for all those who sleep and struggle to sleep comfortably together, now there's a solution. the company that individualized your comfort with the sleep number bed brings you sleep number dual temp, the revolutionary temperature-balancing layer with active air technology that works on any mattress brand, including yours. whether you sleep hot or cool, sleep number dual temp allows each of you to select your ideal temperature. so you can both sleep exactly the way you like-at your own perfect temperature. and there's only one place in the world you'll find an entire collection of temperature-balancing solutions-including the revolutionary sleep number

dual temp layer-designed to give you the soundest sleep of your life: a sleep number store near you. sleep number. comfort individualized. visit sleepnumber.com to find one of our 425 sleep number stores nationwide.

when matthew died, satan thought he had won, but actually, he had lost. why? because he couldn't torture him anymore. >> pastor rick's first sermon of matthew's suicide. he and his wife, kay, are back

with me now. you obviously talked about how difficult it was. at the same time, you're one of the most famous pastors in america. you knew there would have to be a moment you got back out there and talked about this. what was that moment like? you both went out on the stage. kay, you only lasted a couple minutes because you found it so difficult, which is completely understandable. for you, rick, that moment when you walked out? >> i was overwhelmed by the love of our people. kay and i have given 33 years to this church. and i felt like they all gave it back in a moment. it was just a very tender moment for me. as a pastor, i have walked through the valley of the shadow of death with thousands of people. i have walked -- i've stood at the bedsides and seen lots of people take their last breath. i have been there for those people for 33 years.

and they were there for us, when we needed them most. there are different levels of grief. the easiest funeral to do is when an elderly person dies, they lived a good life, loved the lord, ready to go to heaven. when my parents died, kay's dad died, more like a homecoming and celebration of a life. more difficult with a spouse and more difficult than that, the death of a spouse with little children at home. that's tough. a murder is a tough funeral to do. without a doubt, the most difficult kind of funeral is the death of a child, because parents aren't supposed to outlast their children. on top of that is a suicide. people go why? now, i'm doing the death of a child funeral, the death of my child's funeral. the death of my child's funeral is a suicide, and then, as you said, as a well-known person,

everybody knows. it's on the cnn news, ticker. it's on everywhere else. that's difficult. that's why we just decided, i decided i was going to use social media to grieve. >> this is a tough question for you, rick. there must have been a moment aftermath new took his life, when even you questioned your faith in god. >> i never questioned my faith in god, i questioned god's plan. there's a big difference. i know god is a good god. nothing can take that from my life. i know god is a loving god. the question is, it's like my children. my children have never doubted that i love them but they sometimes doubt my wisdom and they don't think i've made the right decision. not everything that happens in the world is god's will. everything that happens in the world, god allows, he permits.

but because it couldn't happen without his permission. but we live in a world where there are free choices. if i choose to do wrong, i can't blame god for that. so god isn't to blame for my son's death. my son took his life. it was his choice. if i chose to go out and get drunk and get in a car and get in an accident, i can't blame god for that. >> kay, have you gone through any doubt of your faith? >> you know, it's what rick said. our faith is the foundation that's gotten us through. it's solid and strong. before, i have something i want to show you. there's this box that i -- was given to me a few years ago, and i -- it's got the word -- it's a marble box and it's got the word "hope" on it. >> her hope box. >> it's my hope box. i filled it with verses that gave me comfort, gave me encouragement, verses that kept

my faith really strong before matthew passed away. everyday i would sit and read these verses. that morning, after, i opened my hope box and i went through those verses one more time. after that, i didn't open it for a month. i couldn't. then i started to think, where do i go from here? what do you do when your hope has been crushed? the only way i know how to rebuild it is go back to my faith and god's word. this time i started putting verses in that give me hope for the future. there's this amazing verse in first corinthians 15:43. our bodies are buried in brokenness but they will be raised in glory. they are buried in weakness but will be raised in strength. every time i go to the cemetery, i quote that verse. matthew's body was buried in brokenness but will be raised in glory. i said, matthew, you were buried in weakness but you will be raised in strength.

so the struggle has not been believing that god exists. not that god is evil. but god is good. >> he is good. >> i have this other tiny pot there's questions i can't answer, did matthew think of 0 us before he pulled the trigger? did he -- was there any moment in which he suffered? why, after all those years of prayer and effort did he die? all these things i have no answers for, i put them in this little pot, my mystery pot. here's my hope box, my mystery pot. everyday almost i fill it with another question i can't answer. what i know to be true is god will answer those questions, they will be answered and my hope is very certain. >> and that matthew was not in heaven three seconds when all of his questions were answered. >> his life makes sense to him now. >> yeah. >> let's take another very short break. i want to come back and continue this, about how you've managed

to get yourselves and your family back on track after the most awful of blows. >> matthew wasn't gay. but if he was, we would have loved him unconditionally anyway. it wouldn't have made any difference at all. he was our son. >> he was our son. ...e...i...e...i...o. [buzzer] dangnabbit. geico. fifteen minutes could save you...well, you know.

you work. and you want to get an mba. but going back to school is hard... because you work. now, capella university offers a revolutionary new way to get your degree. it's called flexpath and it's the most direct path, leveraging what you've learned on the job and focusing on what you need to know so you can get a degree at your pace.

and graduate at the speed of you. flexpath from capella university learn more at capella.edu

vo:remember to changew that oil is the it on schedule toy car. keep your car healthy. show your car a little love with an oil change starting at $19.95.

lord, you know the lonely tears and know the moments we crawl in bed and ask god to take it all away. >> that was rick and kay's daughter, amy. rick and kay are back with me now. is there any sense, rick, despite the appalling despair you've gone through, is there any sense of relief as a family that matthew is now with god in heaven, out of pain? >> yeah. if i didn't have that hope, i would be in ultimate despair. but we have built our lives, our faith, our family, our ministry on the belief that because of jesus christ, because of what he did on the cross for us, we can have our past forgiven, we have a purpose for living and we have a home in heaven. that takes care of my past, my present and my future. >> how much harder has it been to deal with the modern curse, if you like, of internet chatter? >> we ignore it. >> i was going to ask you that. there are two strands that have been particularly vicious in your case.

one are these fake accounts set up supposedly on your behalf to raise money, which is just theft. you've had to shut down hundreds of these things. and secondly is the rumor mill. well, what happened here is that matthew is secretly gay and therefore your views on homosexuality tipped him over the edge. you know all this? >> first, matthew wasn't gay and if he was, it wouldn't have made any difference whatsoever. >> he was our son. >> he was our son. it wouldn't have made any difference at all. no doctor would diagnose a patient without seeing him. that would be considered unethical, but many bloggers and many people on the internet make diagnosis all the time without any knowledge why they're doing it. you just have to ignore it, you just can't pay any attention to it. we keep what we call a tough skin and a tender heart. >> do you have, either of you,

any big what if when you look back on this? do you have anything like, if only we had tried? >> you always second guess yourself in grief. >> that's part of grief. i look back at all of the doctors and all of the approaches that we tried and there were days i would just go, what if we had done this, what if we had done this. >> one that would come to example if i was in your position, thank god i'm not, what if you had found out that he acquired an illegal gun. if you call the police, i'll kill myself. obviously an incredibly difficult what if. do you think it would have made any dich any difference? >> no, i don't. >> if you are determined, you're

going to take your life. >> it's sitting here in this moment, it's very clinical, it's very, you know, we can second guess all over the place but in that moment when you have a mentally ill person who's telling you that they are going to take their life and it's your son and you don't want them to take their life, mental illness creates horrendous choices for families. we were not making these decisions on our own. >> one thing that needs to change, piers, legally, is to give families more power in dealing with people who are mentally ill in their family. because the pendulum has swung the other way so far to human rights that many families and parents cannot get a conservatorship, cannot get a control over some -- they see a life deteriorating, falling apart. >> doctors won't even talk to family members. even when the family member has

given permission. and the mentally ill, there's -- this is a quaq mire. two of the basic rights that the mentally ill have are the right the autonomy and the right the privacy actually stand in the way many times of them getting the help that they need. i don't have any answers. it's a dance. >> what we knew was best format u, we couldn't do by law. >> let's take a final break. when we come back, we'll talk about your final wish of how you would like him to be remembered. >> in god's garden of grace, even a broken tree bears fruit. mercedes-benz has pioneered many breakthroughs. ♪ breakthroughs in design...

breakthroughs in safety... in engineering... and technology. and now our latest creation breaks one more barrier. introducing the cla. starting at $29,900. ♪ britta olsen is my patient. i spend long hours with her checking her heart rate, administering her medication, and just making her comfortable. one night britta told me about a tradition in denmark,

"when a person dies," she said, "someone must open the window so the soul can depart." i smiled and squeezed her hand. "not tonight, britta. not tonight." [ female announcer ] to nurses everywhere, thank you, from johnson & johnson. [ female announcer ] to nurses everywhere, (announcer) scottrade knows our and invest their own way. with scottrade's smart text, i can quickly understand my charts, and spend more time trading. their quick trade bar lets my account follow me online so i can react in real-time. plus, my local scottrade office is there to help. because they know i don't trade like everybody. i trade like me. i'm with scottrade. (announcer) scottrade. voted "best investment services company."

with me now is pastor rick warren and his wife kay. have you questioned any stage whether you should have done more as rick warren, america's pastor, about this issue of mental health before matthew took his life?

>> piers, we've always known since matthew has lived his entire life, one day we would be spokespeople for mental illness. kay and i have known this for years and years. the reason we were quiet was primarily to protect matthew's dignity. it was his story to tell. we were always praying, a, he'd be healed miraculously or we'd get treatment to help him manage his disease for the rest of his li life. the only thing that held us back was his own dignity. of course, after he died that issue was gone. >> we didn't want him to endure the scrutiny that's being thrown at rick. he was already struggling to be in a public spotlight, to have people scrutinizing his life. >> how would you like him to be remembered, kay? >> oh, my funny, quirky,

ridiculously silly, compassion, such a sense of justice. we put on his marker, compassionate warrior. that pretty much sums him up. he had deep compassion. >> you know, we've probably received over 30,000 letters of condolences. the letters that meant the most to me were the people that matthew had led to faith in christ that they are going to be in heaven because of him and that -- i know the lord. i have a relationship with jesus because of your son over the years and i remember writing in my journal that in god's garden of grace, even a broken tree bears fruit. and that was ftrue in his life and, you know, you say, are you happy it's making a difference? of course. i still want my son back sd.

>> absolutely. >> i still want my son back. but as david said in 2nd samuel, he will not come back to me but i will go to him and that is the hope of heaven that we have and that has strengthened us through the darkest day. david says when i go through the valley of the shadow of death, wherever there's a shadow, there's a light. and so the key to walking through the shadow of the valley of death is to turn your back on the shadow which is scary and that's the light to get through it. >> do you feel that he's here now. >> well, i know that he's in heaven looking down on us. we have many parents, my parents, kay's mom and dad. and that presence of god is more important than the presence of matthew in my life, is that i sense the presence of god in my life, very close that i'm not going through this alone. that's a comfort. >> rick and kay, it's been such an