>> that is our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> the u.s. and pakistan has a very bad marriage but it's one we have to stay if because of the children. >> it's much like you don't want, you know, your little kids to have a tantrum so you keep giving her a lollipop. >> this is like a shoe captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause)

tef en, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, folks, thank you, please. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, folks. i've got to tell you, that adulation is like a surging wave of warm carmel. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, folks, let's get right to it everybody in the blamestream media copyright, is saying that newt gingrich is on the ropes. >> former aide to newt gingrich says his came

nindes quote adult supervision and close to being functionally over. >> it such a bad week for him. some are saying his campaign is already over. >> he didn't have a big chance from the beginning but now it's over. >> stephen: wrong you parasites! this good man will rise like the sour doe he appears to be made of. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: newt's out just because he went on "meet the press" and called the republican medicare plan right wing social engineering which then caused 13 of 18 co-chairs of a beginning rinch fund raise tore drop out within 24 hours? that's good news for newt. 13 more chicken dinners for him. (laughter) >> stephen: and of course, of course everybody freaked out about this news. >> as recently as five years ago, gingrich carried debt of up to $500,000 with tiffany & company confi new york. one of the premier jewellers on the planet.

>> stephen: 500,000 at tiffanies? there's a simple explanation. the guy clearly buys his engagement rings in bulk. (laughter) you know what? you know what? you know what? you know why the the newt loves it. it's rough-and-tumble, it's wild and woolly and it is a blast. (laughter) >> stephen: so a lot of candidates would be announcing they're dropping out to weave hats on a beach in thailand, newt's campaign fired back with a press release that had d.c. buzzing. it has been called epic. floor i had and overwritten-- florid and overoverwritten. folks, i hold in my hand the actual press release. quote. you know what? -- (laughter) >> stephen: i don't i this it in my to properly convey the epic genius of this verbal spanking that newt is dirk out here.

so insped-- instead here to perform the actual press release verbatim, please welcome tony and emmy winning actor sir john lithgow. (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> the literati sent out their mignons to do their bidding. washington cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world. the fire fight started when the cowardly sensed weakness. they fired timidly at first,

then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment's cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim, their distortions and falsehoods. now they're left exposed by their bylines and handles. but surely they had killed him off. this is the way it always worked. (laughter) (cheers and applause) a lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. (laughter) but out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged gingrich. (laughter)

(cheers and applause) once again, ready to lead those who won't be intimidated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges america. nation! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: john lit go! -- lithgow! (cheers and applause) usa! usa! usa! usa! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i know who i am voting for in 2012. wow, i am sure that won back

all of newt's supporters that haven't just watched the dexter marathon. you're welcome, newt. go get em, buddy. folk, swimsuit season is right around the corner and there's one place i always turn for my fitness tips, the house of representatives. (laughter) just check out this month's issue of the very not gay men's health magazine. that's illinois republican aaron schoch showing off his six-pack abs. and if you look closely you can also see his pathway to prosperity. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now congressman schoch is partnering with men's health to promote a fitness initiative called the fit for life summer challenge encouraging all americans to get fit for life until september. then we turn back into-- then we turn back into alfredo-based

life forms. i applaud congressman schoch for using the power of his office to raise awareness of just how ripped he is. of course this isn't the first time i laid eyes on aaron schoch. i spoke with the fully clothed congressman back in 2009. jim? >> hi, stephen colbert. nice to meet you. >> hi, mr. colbert, welcome. >> stephen: tell me about the fighting 18th. >> tell you about what? >> stephen: the fighting 18th. >> the fighting 18th1234 what's the fighting 18th. >> stephen: do you not represent the 18th district of illinois. >> yes. >> stephen: tell me about the fighting 18th. >> you mean like tell you about my district. >> stephen: sounds better to say fighting 18th. >> it's a 20 county district, home to 161 towns. >> stephen: fair warning, i'm already bored. >> well, i think a lot of remarkable things happen in per oria just as a lot of remarkable things happen around the country. >> stephen: you're the youngest member of congress. >> yes. >> stephen: is there a hazing process? >> no, not really, you know,

there's no spanking machine,. >> no spanking machine in congress. >> stephen: no nick names. >> no nick names. >> stephen: schochman, schoch meister, anything like that. >> no. >> stephen: schoch jock, the schocher! you should get one, stand out from the crowd. >> i'll take your word for that. >> stephen: you have been called the brody general of congress. >> by tmz. >> stephen: i have also learned from tmz that you have six pack abs, is there any truth to that. >> well. >> stephen: it is a simp el question. do you or do you not. >> as soon as i say that and then i get out of shape you're going to use it against me so you know. >> stephen: you're implying that i am so taken with you right now, that i am-- am up set, you're implying that i will stay obsessed with your abs. and yes, i'm not saying there is no chemistry here. but i'm saying i'm keeping it professional. i wish you would do the same,

right. >> gotcha. >> stephen: dow believe barack obama was born in the united states. >> one of the disadvantages of being in public service and actually being in public rel some that people say a lot of things about you. >> stephen: people have said some things about you. >> i know they've said a lot of things about you. >> stephen: the one thing they say about you that i'm hesitant to bring up and i wonder if you want to respond. (laughter) >> and the question? >> stephen: is it true or not is what i am asking. >> is what? >> stephen: i don't want to spread rumors. >> so let's just put it to bed, say it's not true. >> what's that. >> stephen: if i say it, then i'm spreading it. >> i see. >> stephen: okay. >> okay. >> stephen: so it's not true. >> it's not true, thank you. >> you're welcome. >> switching gears, you are pro-life and pro gun. >> yes. >> stephen: where do you find the courage to swim against the tide like that. >> well, the constitution protects individual freedoms

in life. being pro-life means i believe in the sanctity of human life and protecting the unborn and i think that's still in concert with the second amendment of the constitution which is the right to keep and bear arms. >> what about fetuses with guns. if i can just interrupt your -- for a moment. are fetuses living humans? >> i'm not sure how that relates to-- . >> stephen: are they by definition alive? >> yes. >> stephen: should they have the right to bear arms? >> absolutely. >> stephen: thank you. so few politicians are willing to say that. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: dow have six pack abs. >> yes. >> stephen: congressman, thanks for taking the time to talk with us. >> any time. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we'll be right back. ♪

hey dave, we're out of bud light. oh, good thing i just downloaded this app. ♪ here we go. ♪ [ male announcer ] it's the sure sign of a good time. the just right taste of bud light. here we go. nice app. i gotta get a new phone.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. folks, the catholic church has been rocked by scandal over the past decade and i'm not just talking about those sickening dan brown novels.

i've known many clergiman, mr. brown, and very few of them had access to anti-matter technology. of course i'm talking about the sexual abuse scandal. horrible, horrible, shameful chapter but there is good news. the united states conference confi catholic bishops has released the results of an exhaustive 1.8 million dollar study examining the root causes of this tragic abuse of trust. and i'm relieved to report that they have found the courage to place the blame where it belongs, on free love in the 1960s. (laughter) the damn hippies. of course during the summer love it was all too easy to get caught up in the debauchery of prieststock. don't eat the brown eucharist, man. (laughter) and folks, it could all have

been avoided as the study said, poor training of priests likely contributed to the abuse problem. you see this is not a moral failing by the leadership of the church. it is simply a training issue. like the new guy putting the wrong type of paper in the photo copier. except it's not paper, and it wasn't a photo copier. well, folks, once again, it falls to me. i'm going to fix this thing. i am proud to introduce my new comprehensive preventive training program. join me at the chrerjkymatic he cleeseas particular center-- eclesiastic center 316. (cheers and applause) welcome to the eclesiaction center with its patented do not-- screen. now if you are a man of the

cloth, i want you to pay close attention. ready? do give sermons. council your flock. preach the good word. don't molest anyone. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: yes,. >> stephen, i have a question. >> stephen: no, there are no questions can. (laughter) ever. (applause) >> stephen: we'll be right back. put your hand down. put it down! [ male announcer ] it was forged from the fires of imagination.

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>> hey, everybody, welcome back, my guest tonight is an nba legend who has a new documentary about the greatest basketball team you've never heard of. wow, a documentary on the memphis grizzlies, please welcome kareem abdul-jabbar. (cheers and applause)

whooo, whooo! kareem, how's it going. >> great. >> stephen: salem malakum my brother. how are you. >> i need to know something right away. what did you do to central park, man? >> stephen: we-- i got some earth moving equipment out there last weekend. we dug a huge trench and-- i have not told the mayor yet. yeah, it's still lovely. >> okay. >> stephen: still lovely. now last time you were on the show was almost three years ago. >> yeah. >> stephen: because there was some reported nazi gold in germany. and i asked for your help getting the nazi gold. i can see that jim. >> would you be willing to go to germany to get this gold? >> well, wait a minute. don't you mean nazi gold? >> stephen: -- pick on those nazis. so now you're back, now you're back with a documentary on the shoulders of giants. how did you pay for this movie, kareem?

should it be with nazi gold? >> secret contributions. >> stephen: tell me about on the shoulders of giants. it is a documentary about, as you say, the greatest basketball team you've never heard of. >> yes. >> stephen: who were they. >> the harlem reds. they played at dance halls in harlem up on 7th avenue and 1389th street. >> stephen: they played at a dance hall. >> yes. it wasn't very big but it had enough room for them to play basketball. they would bring portable baskets out and play before they had a dance. >> stephen: that is not how i picture a professional basketball. sweeten dorsment deals, private jets? >> no, none of that. they had a deal with the owner of the dance hall to change their names to the rens because there was the renaissance casino and ballroom. >> stephen: that is where they played was the renaissance.

>> yes. >> stephen: was this during the harlem renaissance. >> yes, it was. >> stephen: did these guys play jazz? >> did these guys become the utah jazz is what i am asking? >> no. >> stephen: . >> they would play the games and then a jazz band would play after the games. so like when the game was over people would come and see the game. then when the game was over, they would have cab calloway until 3 a.m.. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: is there any relationship between basketball and jazz? is there any cross-cultura cross-culturallization there? >> yes, yes, there is. >> stephen: really, how does jazz influence basketball, instead of trash talking do you just skat as you drive the lane. >> well, you skat when you get the ball. everybody gets a solo when they get the ball and get a chance to shoot, that's their opportunity for a solo. and then people have to provide a foundation for that, you know. so people have to rebound and play defense so that the guys that solo can do their thing. >> stephen: so you, by those

lights you were one of the greatest jazz musicians of all time. because-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: are you the 6 time mvp, 19 time all-star, nba's all time leading scorer, over 38,000 points lifetime. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you pointed out, you pointed out something recently, there is no statue of you in front of the lakers stadium. boo! >> stephen: hear those people. >> i guess i'm a missing person, you know? >> stephen: there is a statue of imagine anything front of the stadium. >> it belongs there. >> stephen: sure it does. but you belong there too. >> i think so. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what if we made the head on magic statue detachable-- (laughter) >> stephen: and then on altered days we screwed your head on, and jacked it up about a foot. >> i don't know how that

would go across with the people. >> stephen: dow feel slighted in anyway by that. >> a little bit. but know, i've gotten over it and we've had a little bit of exchange with laker management. they say they're going to deal with the issue. >> stephen: okay, is the problem that there isn't enough bronze in the world to make a statue your size. you know what? you know what would make a nice statue, nazi gold. (cheers and applause) kareem, thank you so much. kareem abdul-jabbar! the documentary is on the shoulders of giants. now exclusively available to be instantly streamed from netflix starting friday may 20th. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ow#ç3úqéñ

>> stephen: thank you, everybody. folks, before we go, on saturday night is the end of the world. don't forget to turn your clocks back to never needing your clocks again.