intrusion into our private lives. i thought they were only supposed to do that to gay people. and my guest john bradshaw has a new book about dog behavior. bad news, mr. bradshaw, dogs can't read. (laughter) >> stephen: sarah palin claims she knows all the lettering-- lyrics to rapper's delight, alaska karaoke bars, you've been warned. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whooo! whooo! >> stephen, stephen,

stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. nation, barack obama is the worst type of democratic politician. an effective one. (laughter) on tuesday he was down in el paso, texas, laying out his plan for immigration reform. what does barack obama know about immigration? everybody knows he was born in america. i have proof. (laughter) besides, this speech was about one thing only -- >> is the president pushing real reform or is he pandering from latino votes. >> he's pandzering for votes down there. >> it's pandering. >> stephen: a total latino panderfest. excuse me, pander fiesta. (laughter) >> stephen: show them, jim. >> when i think about immigration, i think about opportunity. inalien kbl rights, the american flag, statue of liberty, nation of

immigrants, guatemalan, yew cranian, irish, italian, polish, russian, jewish. papao new guinea. >> stephen: just listen to him pander to the all important texas lattino papua new guinea vote. next he's going to be out there in a bamboo penis sheath eating a spanish explorer. welcome to obama's america, folks. and to keep the pandermonium going he bashed republicans overboarder security. >> all the stuff they asked for, we've done. they said we needed to triple the border patrol. we're now they're going to say we need to quadruple the border patrol. or they'll want a higher fence. maybe they will need a moat. maybe they want alligators in the moat. (laughter) >> stephen: a moat with

alligators, why does that idea sound so familiar and brilliant to me? >> we need two walls, we feed a moat. a want a 20 foot high wall 2,000 miles long you can see from space. a moat. >> i'm just saying a moat with some alligators in it. (cheers and applause) it's sad. the president isn't just writing my coattails he's riding my moat tails. frankly, this fits the pattern for obama. he stole my idea for moat gators just like he stole president bush's idea confi killing can bin laden. (laughter) >> stephen: and george washington's idea of being president. of course obama still refuses to release bin laden's death pictures. why, did they not get a good photo? he couldn't have been blinking. everyone wants to see it. even npr.

>> they must be pretty bad if you can't show them on radio. (laughter) >> stephen: now personally, i am torn about bin laden. on the one hand-- (laughter) on the one hand i have waited years to see this guy dead. but seeing him dead would make me feel safer. and that ter fews me. because if al qaeda is gone, i'm afraid we'll let our guard down and then al qaeda will attack. so i say we need a strong al qaeda so we stay vigilant and destroy al qaeda. (laughter) >> stephen: and you know who i blame? al qaeda. (laughter) >> stephen: just listen who they want to replace bin laden with. >> this is the man who many consider likely to get the job al zawahiri but also known as a pretty divisive figure within al qaeda. >> we are told that zoo what wir-- al zoo qa heri is not that popular in the organization. >> he is not charismatic. >> he is a prickly guy,

unpleasant human being. >> stephen: come on. if one thing to be a mass murdering terrorist but do you have to be such a dick about it? (laughter) >> stephen: evidently, evidently being a terrorist leader is like anything else, you got to motivate the people below you, you know. hey, nice try on the underwear bomb. we'll get them next time. (laughter) >> stephen: grandpa's crabby beard over here is losing them the key demo. >> i was struck recently looking at a poll down in yemen and for al qaeda was more popular among older people than it was with people in their teens and 20s. >> stephen: the gorton fisherman is right. al qaeda has got to go al bieber. you know who they should get in there to lead it? they should get that hot new kid can war al all lacki.

this guy is an american and no one hates us like we do. jim? >> anwar al-awlaki the american born cleric a key leader in one of the network's most dangerous branches in the arabian peninsula. >> seen as a master recruiter, internet sensation. >> stephen: yes that will do it. an internet sensation. they need their own rebekka black-- rebecca black. (laughter) >> stephen: fry, fry, fry, everybody's looking to the jihad partying partying. ♪ partying partying ♪ ♪. >> fun ♪ ♪ (applause) >> stephen: of course no one can really say what the future holds for al qaeda. here to tell me what the future holds for al qaeda is new yorker writer and the author of the looming tower, al qaeda and the road to 9/11, please welcome lawrence wright, lawrence, thanks so much for coming on. (cheers and applause)

okay lawrence, what wither now al qaeda. they've lost their frontman. is this like van hall en? have we killed david lee roth? is there a sammy hagar waiting in the wings? or more of a gary sharron type? >> it's going to be tough for them. they are facing an existential moment because they've been drifting for years. they haven't been able to pull off a bigger track like, they've been wanting to ever since 9/11. if they can't pull off something in the next year, they're going to seem really irrelevant. >> stephen: so it's make-or-break for those guys right now. >> exactly. >> stephen: there is no tomorrow. >> there are other teams out there that are contending for the crown. >> stephen: who are the other people out there? who should i be-- because as i said t ter fews me to not be scared. who should i be scared of next? >> because we have to keep our guard up. >> i do think you're right to put your finger on anwar al-awlaki. when the first wave of al qaeda hijackers came to

america in january of 2000, they went to san diego where he was the imam. and then they followed him all across america. he went to become the chaplin at george washington university. they followed him. so he has been connected with this group from the very beginning. >> stephen: is there, what does it take to be the leader of al qaeda? i mean do you need people skills. is it more administrative. do you have to do a spreadsheet. what is it that you think they are looking for. >> they need an inspirational figure who can raise money rz. >> stephen: really? >> that is what bin laden did. he brought money to the table. that's the reason people gravitated around him. especially, the number two guy, he had his own terrorist group but they spotted this young rich saudi and they decided to organize around him. >> stephen: now do you think there is any benefit to showing the photograph of bin laden other than making sure this year's favorite halloween costume is

accurate? (laughter) >> i'm sure there will be a lot of improvisation on that front. i don't think so. i think that, i understand the president's reluctance to do that. and it will stir up a lot of angry feelings that we don't need any more of that right now. i think this is a time to calm tensions. >> stephen: you think that the people in the middle east would to the like it. >> i'm pretty sure of it. >> stephen: okay. where is the new center for the war on terror? is it yemen? >> yeah, i think it's-- the center of gravity is moving to yemen. and-- . >> stephen: will we enjoy invading there? >> it's a smaller country. (laughter) >> stephen: when bin laden was in afghanistan we invaded iraq. >> right. >> stephen: now that we know he was in pakistan, should we innovate iraq again?

-- invade iraq again? >> you don't think they learned their lesson. could be. i think that we should try to invade fewer countries right now. i think we're really overextended. and this is a good moment with bin laden being dead, to begin to try to reassess our relationship in that part of the world and maybe begin to reduce some of our forces. >> stephen: is there a chance of the war on terror is over? >> you know, terrorism is never going to end. but it is-- . >> stephen: so it's not. >> a lot of different groups are going to be imlating al qaeda's model in the future. so we'll have this problem probably forever now. >> stephen: thank you for that cheerful thought. (laughter) thank you so much. lawrence wright, from "the new yorker" magazine. we'll be right back.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, and i'm sure you know 2011 marks the ses question centennial, it mean --00 in sasquatch years on tuesday my home state of south car china celebrated con federal memorial day. the official start of confederate summer which ends on con fed rate labor day. con fed rate labor, of course, was done by these

people. remember, after confederate labor day you don't want to be caught wearing white. you just want to be white. (laughter) >> stephen: you see, the civil war, i believe, is much misunderstood it was not about slachery t was about states' rights. just like world war ii was about facial hair. and states' rights are just as relevant today. that's why don't i am proud to introduce the first in my four-year series if at first you don't succeed. tonight, tonight the dimmest threat to liberty yet. light bulbs. folks, i've warned you the federal energy regulations are about to abolish traditional incandescent bulbs. they want us to use these unnatural compact florescent bulbs. it looks like a soft serve ice cream cone but trust me,

it's not. i'm proud to say that south carolina is fighting back. >> in south carolina, a proposed house bill called the incandescent light bulb freedom act would allow a bulb manufacturer in the state to continue making incandescent bulbs as long as they are sold in south carolina. >> stephen: we south carlinians are committed to keeping our light bulbs as local as our gene pool. (laughter) >> stephen: we don't expect outsiders to understand. this is a heritage issue. it's a matter of states' rights. because is it a rov enscientific fact that compact florescent bull you bes are inferior to incandescent. they are noticeably darker. i would say about 3/5 as bright. now strict adherence with the constitution's interstate commerce clause these incandescents must stay in south carolina, by law. they will be clearly branded made in south carolina and

should any of them escape into neighboring states, they must be returned immediately as specified in the fugitive bulb act. (laughter) >> stephen: and you northerners, you northerners up there want warm natural frl light go shop at yankee candle, you vanilla scented devils. as god as my witness, if the federal government refuses to acknowledge our rights to this peculiar institution, we will just sell these light bulbs under the table. after all, south carolina has proven it knows how to run a black market. we'll be right back.

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has written a new book about dog behavior. stay, audience, stay. (laughter) >> stephen: please welcome john bradshaw. (cheers and applause) hey, mr. bradshaw. good to meet you. now sir, you are the foundation director of anthro zoology institute at the university of bristol and your new book is called dog scents, how the new science of dog behavior can make you a better friend to your pet-- your pet.

what is the new science of dog behavior k is there any science to it? because in my opinion it's, you know f the dog is misbehalf-- misbehaving it is because it is a bad dog. 2357bd he is not t because he is the best dog in the world, yes, he is. that's science. >> yeah, that's a good description of the dog. >> stephen: yeah. >> but does the dog have the same ideas as you have. >> stephen: well. >> does the dog know he's bad. >> stephen: yeah, i have taught my dog good -- >> that's a good trick. >> stephen: so how are we, how are we good friends to our dog and how are we not good friends to our dog and has that changed over the years. >> i think the way we think of ourselves as being friends to our dogs, are not friends has changed. that is what the new science is about. it's about really look at the dog with fresh eyes. and understanding that the dog really wants to be with us. is not-- . >> stephen: man's best friend. >> is not a wolf disguised

as man's best friend. he is actually man's best friend. that is the new science. >> stephen: so there is no-- no wolf in there? >> well there is wolf, there is wolf. and the dna says wolf. that is undeniable but do mest case-- . >> stephen: you just denied it. >> i didn't. >> stephen: yeah, you said he's not a wolf. >> he's not in wolf in terms of how he regards the world. dna does not tell you how to look at the world. >> stephen: you give me a sense that in the book you give a sense that we're maybe not treating our dogs well, that we're asking too much of them. >> we are. we are asking them, for example, to stay at home and be good while we're out at work. and that's-- . >> stephen: stay off the couch. >> that's it. don't chew the tv remotes. do not try and make a hole in the drywall. and dogs find that really-- they are up set that is why they do that. >> stephen: why are they so up set. >> we made them love us.

that's how we domesticated 9 wolf. we took all the wildness out of the wolf and we turned him into a dog, an animal that really wants to get along with people. so-- . >> stephen: and then we're not there for them. >> and then we're not there for them, precisely. >> stephen: is that new. >> it's modern lifestyles. we leave our dog as loan more than we used it to and expect them to be good companions when we are there and to get over it when we're not. and a lot of dogs find that quite difficult. if you go 100 years back, most of the dogs were working for their living. they would be with the person they work with pretty much 24/7. >> stephen: so you say that we sort of ruined dogs with our western lifestyle is it sort of socialism that we give our dogs treats but don't ask them to work for it any more? >> i don't think there is a socialist element. >> stephen: sounds like it to me. >> i think they give back pretty much everything in balance to what we give them. >> stephen: they say that dogs and their owners become like each other. do you believe that's true?

>> no, i don't. i don't see any evidence of that at all. >> stephen: really? so are we just projecting when we do that? >> i think there's a danger in projecting too much, of assuming that dogs are little people and have all the emotions that we have. >> stephen: because my dog gipper and i have the exact same opinion on raising the debt ceiling. (laughter) and he just projecting his feeling on me or do i really feel that way? >> is your dog a financial advisor, i'm not sure. >> stephen: he's pretty sharp. he's pretty sharp. so what can we do to treat them better? because i love my dog. ed and i want to be good to my dog. and how i can do that? >> i think would you train, you have trained your dog to come back when you call him and you've trained your dog not to poop in the house and you trained your dog to sit when you say. no. >> stephen: none of that, actually. >> yeah, well, i guess most people would say you should have done that. but what we say now is there is another thing you need to train your dog to do and

that's how to deal with you not being there. how to cope on its own. >> stephen: xanax. >> no, come on t works, it works, welcome to the 21st century of dog ownership. >> it works, it work approximates in terms of calming the dog down on the outside but does it work calming can the dog down on the inside. >> stephen: how would we ever know? >> well. >> stephen: he can't tell us, he can't tell us. you can understand what dogs are saying. >> i can understand a little bit of what they are saying. >> stephen: do you know who else said that? >> son of sam. (laughter) thank you so much for joining me. john bradshaw, the book is "dog scent" buy it for your dog. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)

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>> (cheers and applause) >> stephen: wohl came back, everybody. folks, before we go i just want to say as you know, i am fighting to form my political action committee colbert superpac. together we will build a better tomorrow tomorrow. and tomorrow, friday the 13th of may, my birthday. i-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: will be firing my request for an advisory opinion on whether we can do it at the federal election commission offices in washington d.c. i will be there in person at 4:00.

i hope you can be there too. i could use your support. good night, everybody. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org