that's our show. join us tomorrow night here at 11:00. >> when am i publicizing on this tour? i'm publicizing americana and our foundation and how important it is is that we learn about our pa captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group a captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, this is good stuff.

welcome to the report. thank you so much, everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. good to have you with us. nation, this is one of those rare days that make me proud to be a newsman. to report history as it happens. because i think we will all remember where we were when we found out that this is, in fact, anthony weiner's [bleep]. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i know, it's shocking. he's so thin. naked he must look like a windsock hanging off a parking meter. now he said this wasn't him. but today at an emergency press conference the truth came out, like a--

(laughter) like a dolphin wiggling free of a blanket. jim. >> last friday night i tweeted a photograph of myself that i intended to send as a direct message as part of a joke to a woman in seattle. once i realized i had posted it to twitter i panicked, took it down an said that i had been hacked. >> stephen: he lied! for ten days. and only came clean today when additional photos like this were released. (laughter) >> stephen: i mean that is actually understandable. the guy's my age and he's totally cut. it would be hard not to tweet a photo like that. that is why i have made the moral choice to let myself go. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i got to tell you, i am in no way tempted

to share this with anybody. proud to say i have the torso of a 76-year-old man. and folks, it turns out these aren't even the only photos. >> to be clear the picture was of me and i sent it. in addition, over the past few years i have engaged in several inappropriate conversations conducted over twitter, facebook, e-mail and occasionally on the phone. >> stephen: not to mention morse code, pneumatic tube and semaphore. (laughter) but technically, he was not holding a flag. but weiner did make one thing clear, jim? >> to be clear, i have never met any of these women or had physical relationships at any time. >> stephen: no physical relationships with the women. but i think we can say with confidence that those tweets entered with a nothinging of the fail whale.

it was after this humiliating public confession that representative weiner said the most shocking thing of all. >> i will take any questions that you might have. >> stephen: what? (laughter) okay, i have one. why are you taking questions? (laughter) and i have a followup, are you ready to apologise to andrew breitbart. >> apologized to andrew breitbart. >> stephen: wow that was fast. and well, you should congressman, breitbart has taken flack for using misleading editing in the acorn pimp scandal, the shirley sherrod scandal and the npr scandal, but after this he is one for four. (laughter) and always-- (applause) >> stephen: and as always, breitbart was gracious in victory. >> it is news, my friend, it is-- it is news. i'm here for some vindication. >> stephen: you got it, andy.

(laughter) >> stephen: i think it is time to admit not only is this a valuable member of the press, i would go so far as to say this is the edward r. murrow of congressional wang photos. and i tell you, folks, this whole sordid, sad delicious and sadly delicious sordid saga just reinforces what i've always said. democrats don't share our values. an elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? (laughter) come on! at least republicans chris lee was trying to get some action. (laughter) republican politician politicians-- republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. ensign, vitter, even when it's a gay scandal, they're not tweeting love letters,

they're tearing up an airport passenger until somebody calls the cops on them. i mean-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i mean call me old-fashioned. but i long for simpler times and common sense, values. i want to leave our grandchildren and america where congressman bang their secretarieses. sorry, sorry if there's no app for that. nation, if you are's anything like me, first of all, congratulations. (laughter) but-- if you are's like me, if you are's like me you have been captivated by sarah palin's ongoing pac funded vacationesque noncampaign history mobile tour. folks, the entire tour is just to raise awareness about america's great history. so far she's lived up to her promise by visiting getties burg, the liberty bell and

the alexander hamilton service area of the new jersey turnpike. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it's where hamilton famously swore he would never eat at roy rogers again. (laughter) now last friday palin visited the old north church in boston to raise awareness of paul revere's famous ride. >> he who warned us, the british, that they weren't going to be taking away our arms by ringing those bells and making sure as he is ridin' his horse through town to send those warnin shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were gonea be free. >> stephen: yes, it's just like we all learned in grade school, one if by land, bells if by two, hey british you're warned, sail the ocean blue. of course the lamestream media jumped all over palin on the technicality that paul revere never rang any

bells or fired any warning shots. but that doesn't mean palin wasn't raising awareness of history. without her, no one would have check mood what actually happened. and more importantly, it did happen. >> you realize that you messed up about paul revere, don't you? >> you know what, i didn't mess up about paul revere. here's what paul revere did. he warned the americans that the british were coming, the british were coming and they were going to try to take our arms so we got to make sure that we were protecting ourselves. and shoring up all of our ammunitions and our firearms so that they couldn't take it part of his ride was to warn the british that were already there that hey, you're to the going to succeed. you're not going to take american arms. are you not going to beat our own well-armed persons, individual private militia that we have. >> stephen: i could not have said a random string of words better. (cheers and applause) and folks, give it up, give it up.

folks, to prove palin was right all along, her supporters went on wikipedia this weekend and edited paul revere's page to accurately reflect her version of the story. well that settles it for me, folks. i get all my historical information from wikipedia, just as beach volleyball inventor albert einstein did. now unfortunately, unfortunately the hard-core fact addicts at wikipedia have undone the changes and locked paul revere's page. which is why i want all of you to go to the wikipedia page for bells and make sure it reads, bells, used by paul revere to warn the british that hey, you're not going to succeed in taking our guns, usa, usa! (cheers and applause) usa! usa! usa lam usa! >> stephen: all right. i hope we can capture that in print.

in fact, in fact, folks, bells and warning shots have been kept out of our history books for far too long. we're neglecting to teach our children about the great american tradition of warning our enemies that we are about to attack them. (laughter) >> stephen: who can forget when general eisenhower knocked on hitler's door and said hey, adolf we're landing at normandy, here's a warning shot, ding dong you bastard. and then our boys stormed the beach at normandy with bells around their necks. (laughter) >> stephen: didn't see that in saving private ryan. and for those who say it is implausible for revere to have ridden a horse while ringing a bell and firing multiple warning shots from a front loading muss ket, all i have to say is, prepare to eat historical reenactments. here we go. (cheers and applause) yes, all right okay.

okay, got that right there. there you go. just like that. see, i got my powder magazine. actually two different types of powder. okay. put that in there. okay. i got my musket. (cheers and applause) get in there get in there. okay. first we insert a farting to accurately-- a farthing. hey, hey british! you, you the british are coming, here's a warning

shot. okay. now to warn the next town the british, that they are on their way, i just have to reload, just have to-- . (laughter) okay. that's good. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: stop, stop, stop! stop, i certainly hope paul revere was wearing his cup. we'll be right back.

>> stephen: welcome back. folks, weinergait may have come to a conclusion by my nightmare is just beginning. you see last week i told you that like weiner my twitter feed was hacked. because several provocative

photos were posted on it with a message, i cannot say with certitude that this is not part of my body. here is one such image. well, folks, in light of congressman weiner's admission that this is actually him, i have to confess, this is actually part of me. now this is, folks this is a private matter between me and my doctor because if that is part of my body i obviously need help. didn't really worry me until it started growing teeth. i will now refuse to take any of your questions. nation, we all know the government wants to ram their health food agenda down our throats. which isn't easy to do since most of those throats are blocked by toaster strudels. well, folks, check out the obama administration's latest attack on our

bellies. >> the u.s. government is making some new moves to get us to eat a little better. this is the old food pyramid, there it is. it's out, out. they're going to do something completely different. >> stephen: no food pyramid? that was my favorite egyptian mortgage area face nutritional diagram, even better than the food sphinx. and what are they proposing to replace the food tomb? >> the obama administration plans to replace the much maligned food pyramid with just a plate. >> stephen: a plate? (laughter) >> stephen: for food? what's the connection? americans don't use plates any more. our food comes from cases, bags, cans, tubes and envelopes made of themselves. and folkses, i got to say, if you are's going to go with a circular food diagram with wedges why not just use a pie chart.

you see? you got your proteins, you got your grains, and you got your fruit. and i right now am going to have my serving of veggies. hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. be careful. wood is technically a veggie and don't forget to get your dairy. just eat one of these a day for a balanced diet and then you can have dessert. we'll be right back.

[ man ] ♪ trouble ♪ trouble, trouble trouble, trouble ♪

♪ trouble been doggin' my soul ♪ since the day i was born ♪ worry ♪ oh, worry, worry worry, worry ♪ [ announcer ] when it comes to things you care about, leave nothing to chance. travelers. take the scary out of life. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the director of the new film,-- of forgotten dreams in 3-d. >> our time is even more constricted in this location and there's no possibility to get close to the paintings. >> unfortunately, there are things you won't be able to show in your film and you won't be able to see. you can't get closer. that is the case with these absolutely marvelous paintings in the farthest

chamber, this grouping of lines it is especially the case with this where the lower portion of a woman's body has been changed. >> stephen: oh my god, even cavemen sent obscene tweets. please welcome werner herzog. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: whooo, whooo, good to see you, mr. herzog. >> thank you. >> stephen: now, sir, this movie is called cave of forgotten dreams. now explain to the people exactly what is this cave, and where is it? >> well, it's in the south of france. it was discovered about 16 years ago. and it turned out that it was the oldest, it contained the oldest paintings ever, ever discovered. >> stephen: how old are they opinions 32,000, maybe 35,000 years back in time.

and of absolute incredible quality. >> stephen: how could a painting be 32,000 years old if the entire world is only 6,000 years old. >> well, this is a mighty good question but i think these people were very, very ingenuous and well adapted. they painted wonderful animals. they created music. they created ivory statuettes, venus statuettes. unbelievable. >> stephen: really? is this cave porn? >> not really but i-- more people come to the movie if you say cave porn. >> no, i do believe that these very intelligent people invented god but it took god awhile to grow up and create the world. (laughter)

>> stephen: i don't usually have guests this deep. you shook me there for a second. are you saying these people actually were creating-- these are incredible work of art. >> the pantings are of such-- it's incredible quality. it never got better in roman and in greek antiquities, never got better in the masons time t never got better until picasso. it never got any better. >> stephen: it got bet we are picasso? he's the one who through in extra titties every place. he can't count how many he through in there. >> i personally have some doubts about picasso myself. >> stephen: let me ask you a sensitive question here. are you making any of this stuff up? because you have caused some flack for your documentaries because you sometimes make stuff up. or you say, intensified. and i do that every night right under that lens over there. i made up some crazy stuff. and i don't care if they

knows what's what. >> well, in cave of forgotten dream there is a postscript that all of a sudden you see radioactive albino crocodiles. in the fill am. i called the producer from when i was sorting and i said-- he was in a pet store in vancouver and had just had bought a cage for a hamster. and he said i'm just bought a cage of a hamster and i said i'm filming all bina mut ant crocodiles, radioactive crocodiles. and i hear this clatter. he dropped the cage and said, you are shooting what? and i said i'm shooting all bina crocodiles. and they will be in the film. so it is a wild science fiction so the fantasy at the end. and i want the audience, i want the audience with me in wild fantasies in something that illuminates them. if i were only fact-based,

you see, the book of books in literature then would be the manhattan film director. 4 million entries, everything correct. but it is out of my ears and i do not know do they dream it and i just dismiss the-- crying in his pillow at night. we do not know anything when we check all the correct entries in the film directory. i'm not this kind of a filmmaker. i'm not this kind of a filmmaker. and i-- . >> stephen: sir, if i may, i want to party with you, cowboy. werner herzog, cave of forgotten dreams in theatres now. we'll be right back.