you wish you could. i'm talking about this man captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, i kick off "the colbert report" summer concert series. it will be just like mtv but with music. then new developing technology. i hope it's a rob-- robot that can protect me from my tivo. and my guest bon iver has a

new album called bon iver or i might have that backwards. 8% of u.s. kids have food allergies. luckily very little of what they eat is technically food. >> this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. whooo! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) wow, thank you.

you know, it's hard to tell you about it almost sounds like you folks want me to do an encore and i haven't even played yet. folks, what a gorgeous day in manhattan. sunshine, warm breezes it just reminded me how much i don't trust summer. (laughter) why is it being so nice. what's it up to. besides, summer has a well-known liberal bias. it gets hot out so everybody starts believing in global warming. and our moles go to hell. the young people use the heat to strut around in revealing summer clothes. i mean sear sucker, leave something to the imagination. worst of all, folksing summer means half naked patchouli soaked quite guy dread lock festivals like lal palooza, bonnaroo, coachella, salmonella. there are never enough port a potties at salmonellafest.

well, all this week i'm fighting back at my own summer concert veers. now obviously this is the first time we've done this on the show. so i need to get the kind of street cred the established concerts have. i had cans won't show up unless it's gritty, unless it's real, unless it has authenticity. and there's only one way to get that. korpt sponsorship. whooo! (applause) wake up the cross platform market penetration. look at the sick line-up at bonnaroo this year. state farm, ford, miller lite, wheat thins. that's right, they got the thins. that's what it's all about, baby. it's all about driving your well insured minivan to have a diet lagger with a tasty

snack that's also a good source of fiber. rock 'n' roll. now that doesn't even count bonnaroo's headliner, garnier fructis. known but the gfruc can crank up the long-lasting volume even for fine hair. that's why i'm proud to say i have staked my place in rock 'n' roll concert history. and sold that place to the highest bidder. this week it's not just "the colbert report" summer concert series, it's-- dr. pep err presents. coachella o 121-- 11. (cheers and applause) >> rock it like. (applause) >> yes, dr pepper the only doctor you'll ever need which is good because we have not set up first aid tents. so if you get a cut or

something just pour some dr pepper on it. one of these ingredients has got to be neosporine. the doctor and i are so excited to have a week of great bands starting with bon iver. tomorrow-- oh, yeah. tomorrow, florence and the machine. on wednesday taliw kwel and i'm more excited to see hip sters on pitchfork cite this morning as the one each of them sold out. and all week long i'll on an a musical journey with jack white who is pail enough to be a headliner at salmonell salmonellafest. jack will be here live on thursday along with musical guests the black bells. and who knows, maybe i'll jump in there too. so that, who knows, i will. so that's the week. ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to rock? (cheers and applause)

i can't hear you. are you ready to rock? all right. all right. ladies and gentlemen, wait about ten minutes because we have other things to do first. nation f you are paranoid let me reassure you. everybody is not out to get you. it's only one guy and it's not who you think. this is the threatdown. folks i'm going to go on record. i'm no fan of world hunger. i get it, i'm fat, stop rubbing it in. the point is we all want to feed the world. but now the chinese are taking it too far. >> it isn't the quiet-- these have all been modified, and this is human breast milk. the chinese scientists

responsible successfully inserted the human breast mibling gene into a cow embryo and then implanted it into a surrogate. >> with government approval it could be on supermarket shelves within three years. >> china is embracing genetic modification and says it has a duty to find ways to feed people. feed people? after that who could eat? which brins me to threat number three. moo shoo man milk. what other human food comboes are they going to try next. genetically modifying the elderly to lay eggs? science, stop trying to reverse the formal order of things. we aren't supposed to drink human milk. we're supposed to drink the emulsion of fat globules secreted from domesticated cattle hooked up to an industrial industrial strength vacuum and forced to lactate nonstop.

hamm. man, my taste buds are lactating nonstop. even worse, this transspecies island of dr. moo-reao crosses human mamaries with cow mam arees. how long before our pinnup girls go from this to this. (laughter) next up, hello. next up, folks, i don't trust children. they're here to replace us. nice try, kids. but you'll inherit our possessions over our dead bodies. but evidently i've been fearing the wrong demographic. which brings me to threat number two. centenarians. the latest census reveals that america's population of 100-year-olds has roughly doubled in the past 20 years. population roughly doubled. that can mean only one thing. they're breeding. roughly.

worse. the census bureau predicts the number of 100-year-olds will at least double again by 2020. how can the "today show" possibly keep up with all those birthdays? so i have to broadcast a fifth hour just for willard scott. we'll run out of smuckers. clearly there is only one solution. we must lift the ban on hunting the elderly. hear me out, hear me out. their numbers are out of control and it is not just for sport. like native americans, i use every part of the pee paw. i believe if you eat the heart you absorb their senior discount. finally, folks, machines are taking over more and more of our lives. at least that's what it says on my teleprompter. well now scientists in prague have built and programmed a robot that can juggle five balls.

they have finally developed a robot so lame that even the japanese will have sex with it. which brings us to the number one threat to america, robo slackers. they already took our factory jobs. now they're after our stoner burnout jobs. if jugglers are replaced by robots renaissance fair workers will be unemployable. okay, that's a bad example. but you know what i'm saying. we should have seen this coming, folks. robots have already mastered hackie sack, cup and ball, and the sitar. and a robot will never get tired of playing norwegian wood. and folks, the ability to juggle isn't even the most troubling feature here. we are looking at the first robot that can disappoint its parents it was built to perform neurosurgery but this is what it did with its life because it's happier

that way? crushing our parent's hopes and dreams with the one thing humanity still has left. there's nothing innately human any more except maybe ditching your master's program to launch a failed singing career. great, now they've stolen that too. we'll be right back.

>> dr pepper presents, stevefest coachella 011. >> welcome back, everybody. thank you. you must be exhausted. my guest tonight wrote and reported his last album in a remote cabin giving him the ultimate indy cred. i will try to get him to hold a can of dr pepper. please welcome from the band bon iver justin vernon. (cheers and applause)

>> thanks for come on. i'm a big fan, nice to meet you. >> thank you. >> we'll get past it quickly because i'm sure you must be tired of the legend of bon iver. you got sick, you got leprosy or something and you had to go to a cabin in wisconsin and tell people what happened as quickly as you can. to the for me, i would love to you drag it out but i'm sure you're tide of people asking this question. >> right, well, i got sick and i didn't have any money and my dad had a cabin and i went there and recorded my record. i was kind of-- i was a little bit down and out. >> stephen: doesn't sound as legendary as i thought. >> he recorded this all up and said maybe we can sell these songs and everybody goes no, this is fantastic. what was the illness. >> mono. >> stephen: okay. >> not now. >> stephen: but then you had it. and you had to kind of stay calm and still, basically for a few months. >> you want to sleep a lot. >> stephen: did that influence the us music on that album. like if you had had

something else like st. vitus dance, would you have done a club album instead. >> sure. no, i mean, i think just being alone and having to kind of be in 1 place and not really travel or anything like that kind of made me be distilled long enough to make the record i needed to make, i guess, you know. >> stephen: now this album, you made forever ago reached someplace deep and i got to say kind of painful in me. and i'm hoping the second album will not do that. is it different because it was-- you know, it was the imagery wasing anicing. >> it is a little more colourful it is a loftier, less kind of laying with your face on the floor. but yeah, it's happier. you will be better off this time around. >> fantastic. >> now is your audience mostly men or women because my wife her hot yoga class listens to your album. when they're doing the

downward pigeon. >> you know. you have to be really sad yoga class. >> it is. i think skinny love is inspiring. >> it's like a diet song. >> how much you can burnoff in this hour. >> just angst. >> yeah. >> and do you have like you're big with the ladies, sensitive, right. >> sure. >> are you were actually a women's studies major. >> yeah, yeah, way back in the day. >> why? >> who was she is what i am asking. >> right, right, right. i mean back in '99 when i went to college i think i was studying philosophy. i wasn't ready to study music and i just, you look at the world and there's 50% or more of the people that are female it seems like everything's kind of a boy's club. i just thought it was kind of like weird that that was the case and it was my minor. it wasn't my major. >> your major was. >> religious studies. >> so religion and women's studies. did you just go into the

registrar and say just make me feel guilty. >> yeah, yeah, basically. (applause) >> okay, now-- the album, the album, the self-titled album which i believe is, by the way, incredibly egoistical, bon iver drops tomorrow. and bon iver, is that bon iver. >> boniver. >> okay. and what is that, short for bonathon, what does it mean. >> i did get called bon from time to time again but justin is my name and that's the name of the project. >> the project. >> okay. >> your actual, your given name, your birth name is if i can get this right people call you bon iver but your given name is justin duyardmond edison vernon. are you the only person i know whose stage name is less pretentious than their real name. >> touche. >> all right.

so what is the song are you going to do for us tonight. >> calgary. >> i thought you were a wisconsin guy. >> i am. >> i have dreams. >> of some day leaving wisconsin for someplace sunnier like calgary. >> well, you have to go south sometime. justin, thank you so much for coming. stick right there. we'll be right back with the performance by bon iver.

here to perform calgary off their new album bon iver, ladies and gentlemen, bon iver.

don't you cheshish me to sleep. ♪ never keep your eyelids clippednote ♪ hold my for the pops an clicks. ♪ i was only for the father's crib ♪ ♪ ♪ hair long alone ♪ ♪ always keep that ♪ cross you ♪ always hesitate ♪

♪ ♪ have to keep it low ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ bon iver, the album is bon iver. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (applause) what's the most amazing ...was it something big? ...or something small? ...something old?

...or something new? ...or maybe, just maybe ...it's something you haven't seen yet. the 2nd generation of intel core processors. stunning visuals, intelligent performance. this is visibly smart.

>> thank you very much, welcome back. folks, before we go, i just want to remind everybody you can go to the web site colbert nation.com and see a bonus song from bon iver, a live version in the studio of skinny love. it did not suck. and join us tomorrow night for day two when my guest will be both florence and the machine. that's it for the report, everybo