(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the president of americans for tax reform. he is not going to like my 45% guest tax. please welcome grover norquist. (cheers and applause) >> good to see you, steven. >> stephen: three years, something like that? >> exactly about three years, yeah. >> stephen: good to see you again. now, sir, for some of the people who may not know what americans for tax reform is, explain what the purpose of your organization is. >> first of all, we ask all candidates for office to sign a pledge not to raise taxes then we let voters know who's willing to make that commitment and who does or doesn't live by it. >> stephen: how long have you been doing that? >> 20 years. >> stephen: really. >> yup. >> stephen: and you've got it on record. is this the pledge right here? >> that's the pledge. >> stephen: so they take this pledge and you've got a record of them having taken the pledge and if they back out on this

pledge? >> well.... >> stephen: it's hammer time! >> the american people, they're actual voters. the pledge is not to americans for tax reform, it's the the voters of their state and the american people. and people hold them responsible. george herbert walker bush, bush 41 had a fairly reasonablely successful presidency. he ended the cold war without a lot of blood on the floor. >> stephen: absolutely. >> got iraq out of kuwait without occupying the place for the next 12 years and he had one small problem and this is that he raised taxes when he promised he wouldn't. and he lost his job. >> stephen: did he sign this? >> he did, indeed, yeah. >> stephen: did you wave this bloody shirt during that campaign to bring that guy down? >> i didn't need to. the american people did. >> stephen: did you show the american people the shirt? (laughter) did you distribute this to everyone in america? how do they get this? >> the media lets people know and voters know. so we share the pledge, obviously. since you took the pledge three years ago when you were looking to possibly run for

president.... >> stephen: looking to run a run? i ran for president, sir. (laughter) and it was only... (cheers and applause) and it's only that i was not allowed to that obama's not in office today. (laughter) >> since then we now have 236 members of the u.s. house who've made the commitment not to raise taxes. 41 senators and for that reason... 13 governors as well as 1,200 state legislators. >> stephen: can people say "i won't raise taxes" without signing this pledge? because they can say to the american people "hey, i'm not going to raise taxes" and is that good enough for you? >> well, a lot of politicians for the last 200 years have said "i won't raise taxes" or "i'd prefer not to raise taxes, it would be a last resort." >> stephen: i love my wife... >> ...however. (laughter) people tend not to trust that which is why not only do we have in the writing but we have two witnesses, it's dated and we keep hit in the safe. >> stephen: anybody this year

you want to get that you haven't gotten yet? >> on the pledge, we have all the republicans running for the pledge right now either signed or committed to except huntsman is the one who hasn't yet. >> stephen: what? really? (laughter) >> he just started. cut him some slack. >> stephen: wouldn't you recommend people do this first? >> we do urge people sign early, not necessarily often, but early yes. (laughter) we'll get there. >> stephen: let's do the pledge again because i remember it. i pledge to the taxpayers of the united states of naeshg i will oppose and veto any and all efforts to increase taxes. >> fairly simple. >> stephen: i've got to say, grover, i don't see "under god" anywhere in this pledge. (laughter) how can bit a proper pledge if it doesn't say "under god"? >> well, you could add that if you'd like but otherwise it's not up to... (laughter and applause) >> stephen: now, would you sign

my pledge that you will add "under god" to your pledge? >> we'll take it under advisement. we haven't changed in the 24 years. >> stephen: sir, what's wrong with "under god"? >> nothing's wrong.... >> stephen: by god, of course, we mean jesus. (laughter) people of all faiths are encouraged to sign the pledge. >> stephen: really? >> the reason it's important not to raise taxes is only if people take pledge not to raise taxes do you even get a conversation about reigning in spending and overspeding is the problem that we have both in d.c. and in all 50 state capitals. >> stephen: now, you support the republicans walking out on the negotiations with the democrats recently, right? because we've got the debt ceiling coming up, we can't make our ends meet come august 3, something like that, ballpark it? >> yeah. >> stephen: that's when we default. are you in favor-- as i am-- of defaulting on our debts, changing our names and moving to canada? (laughter) >> that's not a strategy i'd

thought of. i was sort of going for the original one which is only an increase of the debt of $2 trillion, which is what barack obama wants if we get $2 trillion in spending reduction in a serious and real form. >> stephen: okay, i'm going to ask you a trick question. >> sure. >> stephen: i hope you have the right answer. is there any time and any circumstance under which raising taxes would be the right thing to do? >> no. >> stephen: good answer. (laughter) okay. now let's amp it up a little bit. okay? terrorists have kidnapped all of our grandmothers. (laughter) they've got them in a subterranean borrow which you know they have and all of our grandmothers have been slathered with honey and they're going to release fire ants into this borough that will bite our grandmothers to death. their only demandd is that we increase the marginal tax rate on the top 2% of americans and we will release them.

(laughter) do we increase the tax rate or do we let our grandmothers die by ant bite? (laughter) >> i think we console ourselves with the fact that we have pictures. (audience reacts) >> stephen: no, that's the right answer. the man signed a pledge. grandmothers be damned! he signed a pledge. grover, thank you so much. (applause) the president of americans for tax reform under god, grover norquist. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ grey goose. world's best tasting vodka.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: good night!

- ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

[school bell ringing] - you guys! you guys! we can finally do it! we can finally leave this crappy town and live the life we've all dreamed of! - we can? - what are you talking about, dude? - haven't you assholes been watching the news? pirating is back, my friends. swashbuckling adventure on the high seas. the stuff we've all dreamed about! and it's all happening right here! somalia. - somalia? where's that? - north africa. just picture it, guys. clear blue water with skull islands. waterfalls and jeweled treasure underneath. - whoa! - i've worked it all out on expedia. we can take southwest airlines to miami, then dubai air here to cairo. and then it's just a 49-hour bus ride into mogadishu, with all the booty and plunder a pirate could want. - wow, you know, cartman, that is an awesome idea. you should totally go to somalia.

- right and-- wait a minute. you never think my ideas are good, kyle. - no, i'm being totally serious. that is the best idea you've ever had. you should run away to mogadishu. you should go there right away. i'll even help pay for your ticket. - wow, cool! wait a minute. the fuck? why would you do that? unless you're trying to trick me somehow... - no, no, you're right. somalia is an oasis of treasure and waterfalls. it's totally the pirates' life! - then why don't you want to go? - well, 'cause, dude, i'm jewish. and, you know... both: jews can't be pirates. - that's true. well, i'm glad you've finally come to terms with your disability, kyle. gentlemen, i'm off to start planning. - please, please let him go. - good morning, students. these are the morning announcements. teacher-parent conferences have been rescheduled to next tuesday. please inform your parents. the gym is being repainted and is closed until tomorrow afternoon. and now for a special announcement.

- avast, there, mateys! do ya have a thirst for adventure on the high seas of life? are ya sick and tired of your parents and teachers tellin' ya what to do all the time? then join captain cartman's perfect pirate club! argh! just imagine it, me hearties! a life without rules, without homework and chores! you can live the pirates' life in somalia, me friends. even kyle said so. our first official pirate meetin' will be 4:00 p.m. today at kevin stoley's house! - at my house? why my house? - there will be refreshments served! so make sure your mom goes to the grocery store, kevin! so come one, come all! the invitation is open to any student who wants to be a pirate and who isn't jewish, mexican, or ginger. argh! - and for lunch today, the cafeteria will be serving taco salad or hoagie sandwiches. thank you. - "ahoy, fellow club members! "congratulations on leaving your meaningless lives behind "to become pirates. "your life of boredom is at an end "thanks to captain cartman! all hands on deck!"

[blowing whistle] - attention! all right, ya booty-lubbers! so you decided to join captain cartman, did y-- uh, guys, who let in the g-i-n-g-e-r? - well, there's really not that many of us. we figured we should let him join. - but, guys, g-i-n-g-e-r-s can't be pirates 'cause they don't have souls. please get it out of here. - fine, i don't want to be a pirate anyways! - okay, anyways. now, enough small talk, lads! it's time for us to start rapin' and plunderin'! - yeah! - we set course tomorrow! i purchased everyone's ticket online usin' me mudder's credit card! - and your mom is okay with that? - dude, i'm a pirate! what the devil do i care what me mudder thinks anymore? - neato! - all right, lads! go home and write your farewell letters to your families! the land of pirates awaits! - pirates ho! - pirates ho! - pirates ho! - ho!

- kevin, goddamn it. - have a good flight. next, please? - we be headin' to somalia by way of miami to cairo. and take care ya put us in an exit row, ya landlubber. - i see. you five boys are all booked through to cairo by yourselves? - that we be, lass. it's all paid for on me mudder's credit card. - oh, jeez, i don't know if i can really go through with this. - what? - it's just leaving everything behind-- i can't believe i'm actually doing it. yeah, maybe we should think about this. - you guys-- the fuck? are you forgetting how crappy your lives are? all the homework, the rules? butters, do you really want to just go back to school, where people just make fun of you? - who, you mean you? - yes! do you really want to go back to that? - no, i'm sick of it! - well, all right, then, fag! we can't turn back now!

the path to adventure lies just beyond this ticket counter, and if you four have really come all this way just to turn back now, then seriously, you guys-- the fuck? - he's right, lads! to adventure! - this is somalia?

- where's all the waterfalls and shipwreck lagoons? - the fuck? excuse me, where are the pirates? - ah! - hey, hey, we're looking for the pirates. where can we find the-- butters, get the phrase book out. ask these people where the pirates are. - uh... [muttering] [speaking somali] - [speaking somali] - [speaking somali] - oh, he's says they're in there. - ah, nice. come on, mateys! - yes, ba-ba-ba-ja, blah, blah, blah. thank you. avast! these aren't pirates. they're just a bunch of black people.

- i am captain cartman, and this here be my terrible crew! we be lookin' fer a ship to pirate with! - yes, very nice. apparently, these are the pirates. - ah, excellent! they're taking us to a ship! once we commandeer a vessel, the plundering will be easy indeed, lads! - this is your pirate boat? dude--the fuck? all right, seriously, you guys, what kind of pirates are you? i mean, really, the fuck, dude? the fuck? - all right, lads, guess we'll have to settle with this meager ship.

two of you sit aft, and two of you sit in the front. - i got to sit middle 'cause i get motion sickness. - kevin, jesus christ. hard to starboard, lads! there's sure to be lots of bootys out here! - [crying] - clyde, the fuck? - you said there was gonna be crystal-clear lagoons and treasure and plunder! - calm down, clyde! everything's gonna be okay! - no, it's not! you made me run away to be a pirate, and there's not even any treasure! - ike, will you do something about clyde, please? very nice, ike. all right, me hearties! keep your eyes open for boats to plunder! [ship horn blows] [all speaking french]

[alarm blaring] - dude, dude! you're doing it all wrong. let me handle this. all right, ya scallywags! surrender your plunder lest we start firing shots across yer bow! - yeah, that's good but now go, "argh!" - argh!

- yeah? okay, and you checked with kenny and token? he's not just staying at their houses? - no, dude, everyone's checked.

i think cartman really ran away to somalia. - yes! i can't help but take some credit for this. i helped convince him to go! - you really think he'll die in somalia? - oh, for sure, dude. it's the most godforsaken place on the planet. things are finally gonna be normal around here. - oh, god! oh, god! what did we do wrong, gerald? - take it easy. we'll find him! - i'll call you back. - oh, kyle, he's gone! your little brother's run away from home! - what? are you sure? - he left a note saying he's never coming back! - "dear mommy and daddy, i am running away. "i am sorry, but i can no longer handle "the monotony of middle-class life. "everyone at school is a fucking idiot, "and if one more person talked to me about "that susan boyle performance of les miserable, "i was going to puke my balls out through my mouth. "i love you all, but i have to move on. "i'm going to somalia to be a... to be a pirate"? oh, shit! - oh, gerald, what are we gonna do? - it's all right. he couldn't have gone far. let's call the other kids' houses. - oh, god, what have i done?

- the fuck are you pirates doing? are we gonna plunder them or not? - all right, let's go!! - quiet, ya sons of biscuit-eaters! this boat is now pirate property! now get ye to yer lifeboat, lest ya want to be shark bait! - plunder the booty, lads! this ship is ours! - okay! - i said get off my boat!

[all scream] [all screaming] - qu'est-ce qui ce passe? - qu'est-ce qui ce passe? - that's it! get in there, ya swarmy dogs! lower 'em down, ike! - have a good day! - hard to port, lads! - hard to port! - what's port? - just make the boat go that way kind of. [ship horn blows] that's good! now bring 'er around topside!