normally, i'm as straight as the next guy, but tonight, my next guy is our guest dan savage. he is weapons-grade gay. and he's the worst kind, too: smart, thoughtful, charming, and he always smells like the first day of spring. [laughter] so to steel myself for his appearance tonight, i'm going to bring my own heterosexual accountability buddy to keep me on the straight and narrow-minded. okay, i'll get my building manager tad out here. tad? >> stephen: so, you're a heterosexual, right? >> exactly, i'm a confirmed bachelor. i would never marry a woman. >> stephen: smart man. keeping your options open. >> right, i don't want to get tied down. i want to be available-- for women. >> stephen: great- are you busy right now?

>> well, now's not a great time. i have some guys over here, we were going to go down to the boiler room. >> stephen: to fix the boiler? >> sure. >> stephen: well, that's going to have to wait. i need a full-time handyman for a very rough job. >> to help with the interview? >> stephen: sure. >> okay. >> stephen: when we come back, tad and i will go down on -- sit down on -- sit down with dan savage.

[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist, who says monogamy is out-dated. you know what never goes out of style? hell. please welcome dan savage! let's go, tad. let's go! come on! let's go! [cheers and applause] wooh! [cheers and applause] dan this, is tad, he is my heterosexuality accountability buddy. >> looves familiar. >> stephen: go packers!

you are the country's leading sex advice columnist. you are an author. you started the it gets better project this fall. in the tphorbgts magazine there's a recent piece about you. in it you say a successful marriage, one of keys is eliminating the requirement of monogamy. >> not exactly what i said. >> stephen: you said we shouldn't be -- >> you sid it shouldn't be the open characteristic of a marriage. >> stephen: if you don't make that. did you vow to be mon nothing muss with your husband? >> no. >> stephen: that's a a marriage it's a joint checking account. [laughter] >> are the clintons married? >> stephen: i don't know. >> are the vitter's married? exsenator ensign do -- is he married? we only here monogamy that is a

part of marriage. we never hear -- >> stephen: we do. you are saying we shouldn't put so much weight on it? >> we're bad ate it. look at the clinton, look at the vitter's, the limbaugh's -- >> stephen: i know i should do crunches. >> but your marriage doesn't collapse. >> stephen: my heart fails. marriage is an exercise. you have to work at it. what is heaven for if you don't set these goal? >> if people make a monogamous commitment they should try to honor it. many people who believe they are in monogamous relationships and those who made the commitment will fall short and then what? should it be a relationship end ending event. or should it be something that you should be able to get past. the marriage should be expected

to survive. >> stephen: that is not what you are saying. you are back pedaling? >> i'm not. >> stephen: high five, buddy. you were actually saying that playing around outside a relationship can be good. >> it can save a marriage at times. >> stephen: fooling around can save a marriage. thank you for saying that. [laughter] because i have been saying for years that gay people are trying to destroy the institution of marriage and now that you are married you are destroying it from the inside. >> gay people are forcing straight foam admit they redefined marriage decades ago. it was a property transaction where a man took possession of another man's property, daughter and then wife. >> stephen: i still believe in a dowry. i got many cattle when i got married. >> it's a legal union of two equals and they get to define it. it could be monogamou s,

religious or not. it's up to that couple. that institution. there's no logical case that can be made to exclude gay peoples from an intuition that doesn't include straight couples monogamous or not. >> stephen: have you had affairs? >> it depends is it adultery if i'm committing it at one end of the guy and he is committing it at the other end of the same -- same guy? >> tailgating. >> stephen: go packers. >> chain saws. [laughter] >> stephen: you say -- you say that in sexual relationships one of reasons why monogamy isn't

necessary -- >> i don't say it's not necessary. it's necessary if you require it. people can make those commitments. you jumbled up my point. if it's important to a couple and they want to make a monogamous commitment, i believe it works for them staoefrblgts what if only one of them wants that kind of relationship? >> that person shouldn't make that commitment and find somebody that doesn't want that commitment and marry that person. >> stephen: that argument amies to gay people beautifully i'm sure. i don't know. i'm married to a woman. i'm not married to a guy. if you want to have sex with someone else, i totally understand if we're married. but i don't understand why i'm not satisfying you but -- >> but your wife is married to a man and straight women have to be realistic about what men are and what men are like. i. >> people: who are sexually satisfied who aren't boiling are

likely to be content and stay married. there's sexless marriages out. there we tell tell people you should divorce. i'm against divorce. my position is conservative and traditional. >> stephen: you are conservative at which end of the guy? [laughter] dan savage sex advice columnist wrap it up, boys. two hours till bedtime. let's move it. ooh. [ male announcer ] movies right when you want them. watch unlimited tv episodes and movies instantly, all for only 8 bucks a month from netflix.

>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. i have to help tad with the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

( cheering, music playing in distance ) ( cheering ) ( drunken singing ) ( singing incoherently )

get out of the way! get out--move! come on. ( groans ) come on, man. get up, get up. come on. ( police sirens wailing ) ( horn honks ) suspect out of the way. heading toward exchange. hey! move it! out of the way! ( siren wailing ) ( muttering ) hey, hold it! whoo! don't move! don't move! get away from that window! get over there! do what i say! ( music playing ) oh, shoot. pick up my meat. ( record needle scratches ) you hungry, brother? do i look hungry? get over there!

i might be a little hungry, but get your hands up! he ain't got no gun. you think i ain't got a gun? shoot me, damn it! i'll shoot you. you mother.. no. come on, hank! back up, back up! what you know about a brother needing a job? big floyd patterson haircut head. you don't look like floyd. shoot. i just wanted to barbecue. it's the fourth of july. it's the damned fourth of july. can't a black man have a fourth of july, too? ( pounding on door ) open up! it's the police! sweet jesus. kick it in! don't mess with my conk. you want a barbecue? shh, shh. is there a problem, officers? yeah. we're looking for a thief. you seen one? me? no, i haven't seen a thi-- hank, you seen a thief around here? no, no, not around here. no, me, either.

no thief. you guys aren't celebrating the holiday? sure. we're just finishing up our last customer there. ( groans ) mm-hmm. i said play like you cuttin' it. ♪ runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin' ♪ ♪ and runnin', runnin' and ♪ in this context there's no disrespect ♪ ♪ so when i bust my rhyme you break your necks ♪ ♪ we got five minutes for us to disconnect ♪ ♪ from all intellect, collect the rhythm effect ♪ ♪ obstacles are inefficient, follow your intuition ♪ ♪ free your inner soul and break away from tradition ♪ ♪ 'cause when we beat out, girl, it's pullin' without ♪ ♪ you wouldn't believe how we wow...out ♪ ♪ burn it till it's burned out, turn it till it's turned out ♪ ♪ act up from north, west, east, south ♪ ♪ everybody, everybody ♪ let's get into it, get stupid ♪ ♪ get it started, get it started, get it started ♪ ♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪

♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪ ♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪ ♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya ♪ ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya ♪ ♪ let's get ill, that's the deal ♪ ♪ at the gate we'll bring the bud top drill ♪ ♪ lose your mind, this is the time ♪ ♪ y'all test this drill, just bang your spine ♪ ♪ get messy, loud and sick ♪ ♪ y'all mount past slo-mo on another head trip ♪ ♪ come then now, do not correct it ♪ ♪ let's get ignint, let's get hectic ♪ ♪ everybody, everybody ♪ let's get into it, get stupid ♪ ♪ get it started, get it started, get it started ♪ ♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪ ♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪ ♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪

♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ get stuttered, get stupid ♪ ♪ don't worry 'bout it, people, we'll walk you through it ♪ ♪ step by step like a infant new kid ♪ ♪ inch by inch with the new solution ♪ ♪ trench men hits with no delusion ♪ ♪ the feeling's irresistible and that's how we movin' ♪ ♪ everybody, everybody ♪ let's get into it, get stupid ♪ ♪ get it started, get it started, get it started ♪ ♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪ ♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪ ♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪ ♪ let's get it started, let's get it started in here ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ whoo-hoo ♪ let's get ♪ whoo-hoo ♪ get ♪ whoo-hoo ♪ let's get ♪ whoo-hoo eddie, you can't talk about people just 'cause they biracial.

why not? 'cause that's silly. they can take it like anybody else. all i'm saying, calvin, is black folk love to take credit for they half-black brothers and sisters till somethin' goes sour. you know, like tiger woods-- we claim him. jennifer beals. what the boy mama used to be on the jeffersons? lenny kravitz. lenny kravitz--count him. as soon as they go freak out just a little bit, go a little crazy, get a little glitter like mariah carey, then all of a sudden it's the other half that went looney tunes. what about vin diesel? i don't know what he is. half car. what black man do you take credit for? i'll tell you who i don't want to take credit for--that d.c. sniper. with the problems we got, black folks used to could say, "at least we ain't crazy." our crimes made sense. ain't got no money, rob somebody with money. black folks are just as crazy as white folks. whoa, whoa, whoa. mike tyson-- he's like three crazy people. prince?

hold on, hold on now. he half cherokee or something. don't put him in with us. dvds, cds. ike turner's greatest hits with tina on the cover. got something you ain't gonna believe-- r. kelly on tape with grown women. i got grandmas gone wild. you ever seen wrinkles in a thong? fred, don't buy nothing from that fool. that nemo tape i got for my son has a crack deal on it. why you always lyin' on me? ain't nobody lyin' on you. line me up. i got a meeting in 19 minutes. head to your meeting 'cause i got next. k-rod called and booked the spot after that, but i can get you at 3:45 or 11:00 on tuesday. ( chuckles ) you a superstar now? the eminem of the barber world? yeah, that's why they call me slim fady. you must have forgot, this used to be my chair. wasn't but two seconds ago your pasty pilgrim ass was sitting at that front seat and nobody was feeling you. well, they're feeling me now. i'll touch you up. hmm!

my customer's running late, so i can take you. cool. hi. hello. so... what's it like working for alderman brown? it's good. the alderman is a great mentor. must be nice doing what you said you'd always do. i really admire that. apple juice? what's going on here? who set this up? this stuff ain't funny. what? this. you being nice to me? you admire me? you got back together with kevin, didn't you? i do not need a man to make me feel good. plus, i'm trying to be at peace with myself. forget this haircut. i don't know this woman. would you know me if i shoved my foot up your ass? oh, yes, there she goes.

let's go. calvin: lookin' good, mr. stewart. now you can get your swerve on. calvin, when you get my age, you don't swerve. you just be happy gettin' that bad boy out of park. you tell him. you got something smaller? i don't got change. just keep it. you ain't got to tell me twice. what'd you do, hit the lotto? i sold the cleaners. what? yep, sold it. time for early retirement. quality land development came in and made me an offer. more money than i'd ever seen. i jumped at it. what are they going to put in? a kinko's or something. i heard they was gonna move a subway over there. a subway and a blockbuster. yep. white folk is coming back. they tryin' to make money on a brother. this ain't about white folks comin' back. most of these businesses coming in are black-owned. this whole block is gonna get upgrades. they can tear down all this mess around here. change is a good thing. long as they ain't buildin' liquor stores and titty bars, i'm cool with it.

wait a minute now, calvin. if they build a titty bar across the street, i ain't never goin' home. ( laughter ) that mess ain't right. i want my rent money on the first. not the second, not-- hold on, let me finish my thought. not the second, 'cause i'm not the bad guy here. am i the bad guy here? come here. check it out, little man. one thing you're constantly gonna have to deal with in life. broke ass black folks. there gonna be hard to spot at first because they're gonna be dressed real nice. but don't let that fool ya. the nicer they dress, usually the broker they are. i like hangin with you. you know, this is gonna be yours one day-- all of this. ( crying ) hey, calvin, you goin' over to emma's? tell her my niece sent her a graduation picture friday. bring me back a sweet potato pie. i ain't bringing you back nothin'.

hey, keisha. where janelle at? she's not here yet. hey, boo. now, why you even go there? you can read a calendar. you know she called in sick. i need my rent money. the bank want they money on the first. i need my money on the first, not the second and not the 15th. come here, coley. come here, come here. your mommy leave you with this crazy man? crazy? i'm about to drop him off at miss emma's. did she leave you with this crazy man? ain't that right? you know, your daddy used to like to play with those, too. and this. watch your mouth, girl. they can remember that stuff. y'all see calvin baby boy? hey, coley. now you know that should have been your baby right? i know, huh. somewhere along the line, after calvin and i stopped dating, he started thinkin' small. so he opted for the happy meal instead of the super size. no, he opted for less drama. it's her six-foot pocahontas weave she got, ain't it? you know that's what it is.

no, don't trip. she ain't weavin' it up like most of y'all up in here. y'all just mad 'cause she got a little indian in her family, that's all. please. that girl got perm in her family, that's what that is. why every time i come in here, you start up with me? cause you know i got love for you. if you got that much love for me, you tell janelle to give me my damn rent. aight? before i turn off the power in here and have all you ladies runnin' out screaming. bye, gina. now how come you not playing with coley huh? i though it was your best friend. you're just my baby. yes, he is. stop. say grace first. oh. uh... jesus wept. why? why what? why did jesus weep? 'cause he was sad. why was he sad? 'cause he was sad 'cause they didn't let him eat his biscuit. now, you know i helped raise you better than that.

raised you like you was my own son. okay. i gotta go, miss emma. when you get back here, you better tell me why jesus wept. okay. you know what? he probably was mad 'cause they wouldn't let him put no jelly on his biscuit before he left the house. i ain't seen you in two days. and why you look so damn tired? ricky, just be a man and let me know. i'm being a man. if you got somebody else, then just say it. 'cause you don't need to be slippin' and slidin' and hidin' and stuff. ain't nobody hidin'. this ain't no subterfuge. i mean i just been busy. doin' what?

'cause you sure ain't doin' me. who you doin'? and what the hell is a subter-fudge? listen, you know how it is. aight? when we together, we together. and when we not, we not. that ricky, he's the man. please. he's a clown. be like mike, not like rick. if i was like mike, would you like me? i see you're flatulent in three languages. graduated top of your gas. [ male announcer ] got gas on your mind?

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