, if you ever get lonely after vespers, i am the man to call. my number's in the book. get going, rick. you're late enough as it is. think about it, okay? okay, come along, children. [stately orchestral music] ♪ [rick over intercom] attention, passengers, we are now leaving nun central on our journey to hell and beyond. the captain has turned off the no-smoking sign, and you may now move about the cabin freely. [kid screams] [kids shouting] thank you for being catholic and for choosing the st. gabriel school bus. [kids shouting] ooh. [upbeat rock music] ♪

now don't forget, garcia, 10% of that goes to the house. (kid) snake eyes. ah, youth. (man) i love these shots. thank you very much, mrs. reeves. thank you. have a nice day. next. whoa-ho-ho-ho, look at those babies. adorable. come on, let's get started. are we married. i'm separated. then there is a god. let's try something a little special. here, try these on, tim. ooh yeah, i'll bet you like the sun, yeah. here, why don't you take that drink right there? yeah, that looks like fun, hm, hm? to me, this is an incredible shot. okay, okay. i can see you're not impressed.

and you know what? you're right; i hate it too. that's because your kid is more hip, more now, more '80s. let's try these on here. now get ready. hold on to yourself. i'm crazy about this one. your own baby jedi. this is terrific. this is terrific. you're gonna like this one. huh? huh? huh? all right, you're not into science fiction. okay, let me think about this. let me think-- oh, mrs. klupner, why didn't i see this before? why don't you lean into the picture with your child? oh, yes, yes. yes, yes, yes. lean in a little more. [quietly] if i was that kid, i would breast feed until i was 17 or 18. okay, now, hold that pose mrs. klupner. [camera clicking] timmy, why don't you go to sleep, huh? there we go, good boy, there we go.

[upbeat music] [man singing in spanish] ♪ [spits] raul! [shouting in spanish] who the hell put this [...] in my beer cooler? jesus christ. stupid people. i got to change the oil. rudy. yo, rudy, here, boy. hey, rudy. [loud crash] i don't believe this. guys, this is the problem with american cars. come on, help me put this crap together, and we'll get out of here. [beer can pops and fizzes]

(man) the police concert's sold out. my customers are gonna kill me. ah, screw that. ah, screw sting. hi, guys. how's it going? we're all right. how are you, you animal? great. i'm a dead man. [phone rings] hello, concert tickets. what? you're kidding. boy george has a yeast infection? he's canceling? you know what this is going to cost me? hey do me a favor. don't call me again, okay? let's get out of here. [phone rings] i told you not to call me again. you're full of [...]. eat my [...]. oh, hi, mom. no, no, no, i didn't know it was you. right, eggs and milk. ma. ma, i'll talk to you later. this better be important. this guy gets along with everybody. oh, yeah, a real diplomat. eat me. oh. wow. i love it when he talks like that. (man) we'd like to order now.

(man) hey, no sweat. no sweat, guys. you want to order? here's today's deals, okay? okay, we got veal. we got veal par... veal par-- what's this word? it's "parmesan." okay, that's that meat with that cheese on it. you see, i don't eat cheese. it gives me mucus. it clogs me up with phlegm. i don't like it. and butter, that's another thing. clogs you up with snot. please, we're in a hurry. ryko, come on, take a break. hey, be right there, guys. hey, will you keep your slimy paws out of my food, man? why don't you order your own food, man? i hope you choke, you animal. hey, guys. (all) hey. hey, get out of here. all right, okay, now we're all here. so what's the big announcement? okay, okay. gentleman, i am--

i'm not gonna beat around the bush on this thing. i mean, we've known each other since, what-- since we were in grade school, for crying out loud, so i'm just gonna give this to you right from the hip. i mean, it's gonna come straight from the old-- from the old shoulder. i--it--i mean, no fancy stuff or anything-- come on, rick. all right, okay, all right, all right, this is it. [clears throat] i'm getting married. yeah, right, yeah. [laughs] [all talking at once] that wasn't a joke. that wasn't-- that was not a joke, guys! a week from this saturday, i turn in my amateur standing and i--i go pro. i don't believe it. come on. [...] me. wl, thanks for telling us, man. [all talking at once] i just told you. [all talking at once] look, we just figured this out-- well, you're doing the same thing, man. guys. guys.

guys, hey, guy-- guys! our buddy is getting married. this is the happiest moment of his life, and you guys are giving him a hard time. you guys should be ashamed of yourselves. congratulations, buddy. come on, guys. look, rick i'd rather be dead. but, look, if this is what you want, good luck, man. yeah, all the best. wish it would happen to me, man. you know, since you're gonna do this-- you really are gonna do this? oh, yeah. the least we can do is make sure you go out in style. yeah, let's have a bachelor party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze-- ah! yeah, yeah, yeah. all the things that make life worth living for. [cheers and shouts] speech, speech, speech-- all right, all right, all right. all right, all right, okay, okay, guys, guys. i, uh-- i want you to know

that this marriage is not in any way gonna jeopardize my relationship with my pals, damn it. we are still gonna go bowling every tuesday night. (all) right. we're still gonna play cards every friday night. and we're still gonna wear each other's underwear every sunday night, nothing is gonna change. i mean that. i love you guys, and-- and i always will. hey, a toast. to rick and debbie. to us. to girls with big tits. good point. good point, good point. absolutely true. oh, wow, this is a great store. they've got neat clothes in here. [upbeat dance music] ♪ excuse me. excuse me. huh, what?

i'd like to pay for this. could you wait till the song is over? oh, sure, no problem. excuse me. where can i try on these pants? right over here. can i take these for you? okay. you'll really like these. i have a couple pairs myself, and they fit very nice. phoebe? phoebe, i don't think your brother did such a good job of fixing the dressing room doors. what do you mean? they look great. yeah? you don't see a problem here? not really. yeah? maybe it's just me. debbie, i don't believe you.

i am supposed to be your friend, and you don't even tell me. bobbi, what is going on? oh, i just heard from o'neill. oh, god, i'm so excited. what's happening? debbie is marrying rick. really? really. oh, my god. oh. oh, my gosh, you're actually marrying rickles. wait a minute. does cole know about this? really, you went with him for two years. i know, and he won't leave me alone. and your parents can't be too thrilled about this either. no, as far as they're concerned, the only good rick is a dead rick. [both laugh] but i made my decision, and we're gonna do it. i don't believe it. mrs. rick gassko. you're getting married. seems like only yesterday i showed you how to give a [...] job. [music stops]

(rick) ♪ i'll give you a different kind of power ♪ ♪ no, i'm not like the rest of the boys ♪ ♪ i'm from decatur, illinois ♪ ♪ and i am suave ♪ debonair ♪ i got this boss curly dark black hair ♪ ♪ and i like hangin' round with you, baby ♪ ♪ because you never say maybe ♪ [trails off] ah, [...].

ah, ooh. well, hey, the meal is entering-- looks like it's just about ready, so it's, uh, time for spice. yes, it's spice time. and the lucky spice is [gasps] paprika. [imitates cheering crowd] thank you, thank you, thank you. you've made me the happiest spice in the world. and it's a veritable "you win" for dinner here, so swedish meatballs. eh-hoing-a-hoing-a olga. whoo, there we are, two, three-- ah, vino. a little vino would be keen-o. [whining] i want some wine. now--oh. what meal would be complete without a little dead meat? yes, america's favorite food, dead animal flesh, yeah. hup! all the burners are occupied at this time. i guess we're just gonna have to improvise here, yeah. hi, babe. hi.

what are you doing? oh, we're just welding up a little dinner, that's all. mm. mwah! it's you! hi. hi. how are you? mm. it's good to see you. you too. mm-hm. i'm just gonna graze here for a while, okay? god, you're a slob. yeah, but i'm a fabulous cook. yeah? mm-hm. and what are we having? mm, well, it's either swiss steak, meat loaf, i don't know. definitely charred flesh of some sort. why don't we name it after we eat, huh? good idea. [flame whooshes] mr. chef... yes? your vegetables are on fire. oh, hey, that-- hey, it's okay, it's all right. it's broccoli flambé. it's supposed to do that. just a little tricky with it, that's all. guess i put in a little too much nuclear waste, huh? you want to hear something great? you betcha. bobbi and phoebe are gonna throw me a shower.

it's gonna be so much fun. not as much fun as the bachelor party the guys are gonna throw for me. i hope you like potato salad. it's chunky style, my favorite. (debbie) you're gonna have a bachelor party? sure, you bet. hey, it's a traditional event, and i am traditional kind of guy. how about this, huh? does this look great or what? it looks awful. well, looks can be deceiving. yeah. not in this case, however. nope, nope, nope, this is definitely the food that prison riots are made of. are we gonna have girls at our party? uh, well, uh... no, it's a stag party, and that means that, uh, does stay home. i'm not talking about does. i'm talking about hookers. oh, those.

i don't know. what do you mean? i mean, like, from what i hear, it's a tradition, and you're a traditional guy. come here. come here, you little vixen. i'm gonna tell you something. i'm gonna set you straight about something. women mean nothing to me, and that is why i am so in love with you. do you understand what i'm saying? i need you to promise me. okay, okay, i promise. you got it. you know, i, uh-- i know a way that we can seal this bargain. yeah? mm-hm. [crashing sounds] oh, wait a minute. wait, wait, wait. i know. i got a surprise for you, and i think you're really gonna like it. [screams] oh, come on, honey, wait. hey, come on, we'll take turns. it's all right. woo-hoo.

okay, ricky, you want to hold out your arm? well, you wouldn't hurt your own brother, would you, stan? no, i don't hurt brothers. hey, hey, no, no, hey, no, no, no, no, i've changed my mind. i've changed my mind. i don't need a blood test. i'm not even gonna get married. the wedding is off, chief. bear. okay, a bear. chicken, chicken-- ooh, there's the little chicken-- ow! you were always sneaky, stan. you were always very, very sneaky. ooh, oh, gosh. sneaky brother. hey, you ready for this big party, now? i understand the guys have some fascinating women lined up for you, a bevy of-- keep your voice down. i got the wife in the other room. uh, stan. stan, is this supposed to be like this? huh? no, that's incorrect. oh. i can't understand why you're getting married.

do you have any idea what you're giving up, huh? do you have any idea, an inkling? everything, everything. wild parties, running around like a maniac, different women every night, nakedness, gone. i miss that so much, ritchie. stan, you're beginning to depress me. oh, well, maybe you'll feel just a little better after this. easy, easy, and hold. oh, well, now that's a fair trade, a cotton ball for all my blood. okay, ricky, all finished. oh, good. i tell you, i'm really looking forward to this bachelor party. ooh, i know you are. hey, whatever you do, you don't say nothing to tina, okay? yeah, sure. you know, she'll kill me. yeah. who don't you say nothing to? tina. tina. okay. hey, don't screw me up here, okay? i told her i'm going to a plasma convention. oh, well, that's-- that's brilliant. so... hi. hi, tina. rick. mr. goldsmith, this is my brother in law, he's getting married. congratulations. thanks.

nurse, take over. i am so happy for you. well, that's great, i'm glad, thanks. uh, listen, i-i-i got to run. i got to make sure the guys have got the hookers. hookers? he didn't say "hookers." did i say "hookers"? i didn't mean-- yes, you said "hookers." he didn't say "hookers." i'm walking ricky out. you had to open your mouth. you had to say something. you had to say "hookers." ooh, doc, i'll pay my bill. doc, don't hurt me, please. i'll kill you. oh, please, i'm-- no, doctor, please, i'm--i'm poor. i'll break your legs! i'll rip out your guts! i'll break you in half! now shut up and get out of here! okay, all right. go. okay. oh, listen, i'm gonna see you saturday night for the boogah--boogah-- oh, out! mrs. phillips, you're next.

(rick) i got it. i got it. thunk! okay, who serves? it's your turn, dad. (rick) it's long. it's to the fence. it's to the wall. it's good. (man) rick. yeah. hit the ball easier, son. you don't have to kill it. uh, maybe we should go in now. no, we will at least finish this set. you ready? yo! ugh! [imitates crowd cheering] yes, cleveland wins the pennant! thump!

one of these days, i'm gonna burn the thompson court right to the ground.

[ bird chirps ] [ snoring ] [ clears throat ] hop to, gang. it's showtime. uh, do you know this guy? i'm not gonna cry, am i? only if you don't believe in the power of friendship. really? you guys are good. [ male announcer ] your favorite movies right when you want them. watch unlimited tv episodes and movies instantly through your game console or other devices. all for only 8 bucks a month from netflix. that's so cute, it's stupid.

well, i got to admit, my tennis is a little rusty. but polo, there's a game, eh? unrelenting, constant challenge to the senses, a beautiful, manly experience. rick, i want to cut through the b.s. i'd like that. good. i think you're an ass[...]. no, no, let me correct that, an immature ass[...], which is fine, except that you're marrying my daughter, and i'm afraid that my grandchildren are gonna be little ass[...]. ooh, uh, mr. thompson, i would-- no, let me finish. debbie is an adult. she can do what she wants. but if you want your marriage to last, you're gonna have to change some things about yourself. now, if i may make some suggestions? oh, feel free. good, first, you're a slob. you dress like a bum. second, you're unmotivated. you have no self-esteem, no thought about the future.

you're inconsiderate. you're insensitive. you're insincere. mm, i'm having the same caterer for your shower that we had at our christmas party last year. oh, that would be great, they're wonderful. (ilene) well, if you were you, i'd worry less about the shower and more about rick's bachelor party. why--why would i want to do that? i trust rick. oh, of course you do. and i trusted my ex, kevin, too. cousin, i can only speak to you from experience. but what do you think happens during these bachelor parties? think they sit around and drink tea and play scrabble? ilene, i trust rick. i--he promised me-- oh, debbie, please, don't be naive. men are pigs. uh, girls, why don't we go inside and have some lunch, huh? boys, come on inside and have lunch. yeah, in a second. and you're irresponsible, a show-off. you're vulgar. you're inappropriate.