>> jo that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> it doesn't matter if hulk hogan is body slamming youth like i did with andre the giant but at the end of the day we need to grab these kids and shake them and say "stop it. look at yourself in the mirror. is this what you wan >> stephen: tonight, record temperatures sweep the heartland. if you can't stand the heat, go in the kitchen, get a nice cold drink. (laughter) can the internet make us better human beings? judging from youtube comments no. and you're gay. (laughter) my guests tonight are legendary rockers the cars. at today's gas prices, i don't want to know what what this is costing me. (laughter) captain morgan's ship has been found. if it's anything like the drink,

it doesn't know what happened to it, either. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you very much! (crowd chanting "stephen") thank you very much. welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us. folks... thank you very much, folks. folks, i know it's been hot this summer but i refuse to buy into the myth of global warming. it's just another big media lie-- like the so-called finale of friends.

(laughter) i know the gang's still out there, nbc. show me what they're doing! (laughter) are they happy? but once again the media's trying to convince us that this summer has been extra hot by throwing around fake temperatures! >> the current heat index-- that's the heat and humidity combined-- feels like 116 in little rock, 104 degrees officially, 115 with the heat index. >> the heat index is already running high. it's going to be another scorcher. >> reporter: washington, d.c. had a heat index of 121. 121 degrees is what it felt like. >> stephen: big deal. (laughter) who cares what it feels like. i feel like i'm 18 but i still get kicked out of college dorms. (laughter) now, fortunately pundit and part-time weather balloon rush limbaugh... (laughter). ... is not buying the heat-steria. >> they're playing games with us on this heat wave, again.

going to be 116 in washington. no, it's not. it's going to be, like, 100. maybe 99. (laughter) the heat index-- manufactured by the government-- they tell you what it feels like when you add the humidity in there. 116. when's the last time the heat index was reported as an actual temperature? it hasn't been, but it looks like they're trying to get away with doing that now. >> stephen: rush is right. the heat index is just more big-government numbers telling you how hot to feel. (laughter) just like their time index tells you how sleepy to feel. (laughter) oh, it's midnight here but it's 9:00 in l.a.? which is it, president obama? i don't have to go to bed! (laughter) but i'll do rush one better. he doesn't believe in global warming. i don't believe in warming. i say the science isn't in on

thermodynamics. i believe water boils because it's scared of fire and trying to jump out of the pot. (laughter) and these hot air heads have started indoctrinating our kids. >> spongebob is talking a lot about global warming and he's only looking at it from one point of view. >> carbon dioxide? >> i'm pumping it into the atmosphere, boy! thanks to global warming, the temperature will soon go through the roof. >> clearly nickelodeon is pushing a global warming agenda. (laughter) >> stephen: yeah. this is even worse than when they pushed alternative life-styles with dora the explorer. (laughter) it is a chilling endorsement of human-ape relations. this is how it works, folks. the liberal media brainwashes our kids by sneaking propaganda into their cartoons in a code only kids can understand! >> we all know that spongebob is popular with the kids and for the life of me i still keep trying to figure out why! >> i'm with you. i don't get it. >> it's a sponge in the ocean.

>> it's hard to even follow sometimes. (laughter). >> stephen: i know, right? it's hard! slow it down, nickelodeon! he's a sponge and he's got pants? are there footnotes i can follow along with? now, obviously the real issue here, folks, is the way spongebob is treating as accepted fact the theory that humans cause global warming. steve doocy, drop some science on him. >> while there's no disputing the fact that the earth is getting a little warmer, the big question is, is it man made or is it just one of those gigantic climactic phases that we're going through? for a while we're cold and then we get warmer and then we get colder and warmer. which one is it? >> stephen: yeah, make up your mind, scientists? (laughter) do you believe in the conclusions you've reached from decades of peer-er are view study or, you know, the wavy arm thing. it goes like this, then like that, then like that.

(applause) then like that, then like that. (applause) makes no sense. come to think of it, this isn't the only thing spongebob pushes as fact. for instance, he lives in a pineapple under the sea? he's a fry cook! (laughter) the most he could afford is a studio grape. (laughter) nation, these days, you know, we live in a 24/7 connected society that's getting so busy it may soon upgrade to 25, 8. (laughter) which is great news. because we are the sum total of our experiences and thanks to all this technology we're having so many many experiences to be made of! now a days i can chat online, listen to a podcast and order groceries all while looking at photo of kitten war criminals. (laughter) and thanks to social media, anyone i meet stays in my life forever whether i want them to or not.

(laughter) unfortunately, our brains aren't meant to store that much information. according to anthropologist robin dunbar, the average brain can only handle about 150 relationships. although other organs can handle more. (laughter) dunbar... (applause). dunbar studied the average size of tribes and villages throughout history and discovered that, until recently, most contained about 150 people who were easy to remember because you were related to them or married to them or both. (laughter) but there is no a way we can handle all the data that modern society crams into our sense holes and it brings us to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) head in the clouds. folks, to deal with information overload, the human brain uses something called "transactive memory" relying on friends and family to remember things you don't have space for. like when a husband remembers to

pay the electric bill while the wife remembers everything he's done wrong for the past ten years. (laughter) now our brains are applying the same technique online. it seems tha seems seems that b, columbia researcher and decembererist song lyric recently published a report called "memefully the age of google." subjects in the study were asked to type facts into a computer such as "an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain." now, to determine how the internet affects our memory, half were told those facts were saved in the computer and the other half were told they would not be saved. the results were fascinating. but i didn't commit them to memory because i knew i could always look them up on youtube. (laughter) jim? >> when people think that they can look up stuff online, you know, over and over again that's continually accessible then, you

know, they won't remember it as well. >> stephen: this makes sense. if something's online, i don't bother remembering it. as i explained to my staff, i am constantly forgetting what naked women look like. (laughter) and nobody... (applause). and, folks, nobody remembers phone numbers anymore. if i want to call my nana, i just tap her name on my phone and all of her information is in there. >> hello? stephen? >> stephen: see? it's that easy! (laughter and applause) and yet we stubbornly insist on keeping day in the old skull drive. this thing is totally unreliable. for some reason, it remembers all the words to "mandy" but doesn't remember my assistant's name. (laughter) thankfully companies like apple, google, and microsoft offer remote computer storage so we can access all of our

information whenever and wherever we want. it's called "the cloud." and they've already launched a massive viral marketing campaign in the skies. (laughter) i can't imagine what that cost. (laughter) well, folks, i'm in. i've already upwebbed everything i've ever known into the cloud: parents' names, dog's prescriptions, pizza thawing instructions, baseball stats, even my deepest, darkest secrets. (laughter) now, the only thing my brain has to do is to keep my eyeballs from falling backwards. because everything that was in here is safely stored in the cloud! and i can access it at any time. for example, i am hungry right now, so i should look up my favorite food. and i will just tap in here "and i uphere... i appear not to be to be connected to my wi-fi. it was... right. it was my favorite food.

(laughter) okay. fine, i'll just reset the password. and, let's see here. i need to give it the city of my birth. (laughter) um... is qwerty a city? (laughter) let's see. i'll just try... wait, i'll try another hint. what is my mother's maiden name? wait a second! my mother was a maid? (laughter) okay, don't panic. okay, just don't panic whatever your name is. um... i may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories, and relationships, but i am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere-- safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant multinational corpses corporations. and that... help me out? i'll take your word for it.

we'll be right back.

(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the lead singer for the cars who's just released their first studio album in 24 years. shh! nobody tell them there's no music industry anymore. (laughter) please welcome ric ocasek! (cheers and applause)

hey, ric, good to see you, my friend! (cheers and applause) now, long time viewers of the show will know that you are a long-time friend of the show. >> that's true. >> stephen: you've been here since the very beginning. >> that's right. >> stephen: you've been on here, you helped talk about how it's possible to walk on water. >> yup. >> stephen: you putted to rundgren on notice boards. >> oh, i did. >> you went along with my stage manager bobby to help find my eagle son stephen, jr. >> yup. (laughter). >> stephen: thank you for that. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: and now you have the band the cars, you're playing together again and you released your first studio album in 24 years "move like this." >> right. >> stephen: the reviews are incredible. >> thank you. >> stephen: and i am flattered that you would put out a whole album just to get back on my show. (laughter). >> stephen.>> that's exactly wh. >> why are you playing together again? i'm thrilled because i... you know, you were a huge band for me.

why are you doing this again? >> well, really it was just a matter of writing some new songs and trying to think about who would be the best people to play those songs and who i had the most fun with in the business and since it's no business anymore anyway i figured we'd do a record, put it out on the internet and, you know... >> stephen: do you like the internet? >> yeah, i do like the internet. (laughter). >> stephen: very popular with the kids, the internet. >> yeah, i know. i agree. >> stephen: long-time viewers of the show will also remember that your wife, supermodel paulina pour scow have has kind of a crush on me. >> yeah, i remember that. >> stephen: i'm sort of her hall pass. is this awkward for you? is that uncomfortable for you? >> no, i'm the luckiest man in the world. so i don't really get too unnerved by it. (laughter). >> stephen: how are you, paulina? how are you doing? >> i'm great, thank you. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: fantastic, good to see you. you look good. you look really good. we've got to talk about ric now.

>> okay. (laughter). >> stephen: why aren't you guys in the rock 'n roll hall of fame? is it because you used steroids? (laughter) did you juice? >> you know, i really don't know. i don't know if i want to be in it. but, if i did want to be in it, i don't know why we're not in it. >> stephen: there's actually no award that i would not accept. can i have it if they give it to you? >> well, yeah, i'll bring in the and you can put it right up there with all those beautiful awards. >> stephen: exactly, my peabody and my emmy. (applause) what was it like in the '80s being a rock band. how ininfluential was reagan on your music? (laughter) for some reason it was a very good time for us some so i almost didn't mind reagan at the time. i figured maybe that's why it was good, i don't know. maybe he suppressed everyone and it caused some sort of a social scene and, you know, everybody... it was the punks

and the new wavers and so it was more... actually, to me it was a much more exciting time than now. >> stephen: see, i didn't care for that. (laughter) because like the punks and the new wavers, they seemed, like, related to an art movement or a social movement. >> right, that's what i think, yeah. >> stephen: shouldn't it just be about cash? (laughter) because that's how you know who's successful. who's got, like, the gold albums. >> well, that's true. that's the way it is today. >> stephen: the "new york times" said of one of your shows on this tour "they look no dorkier now than they did at their peak." (laughter) does that please you or are you disappointed you haven't achieved greater dorkdom in the last 24 years? (laughter) >> well, i thought i would be a little more dorky but i guess i'm just the same. >> stephen: you've stalled. >> i've stalled at this one level of dorkness. i don't know whether it's a higher level of dorkness. i think i'm at the highest level. >> stephen: well, i don't know, you married a supermodel, you could have achieved

superdork. >> yeah. that's true. >> stephen: one other little review here. anthony decurtis of "rolling stone" said your sound is so contemporary you wouldn't be surprised to see one of your songses done on "glee." (audience reacts) in a related topic, do you ever have thoughts of suicide? (laughter) (cheers and applause) no? we deal a song when we come back? >> i'd love to. >> that would be beautiful. ric ocasek, we'll be right back with a performance from the cars. (cheers and applause)

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hi. (laughter) here to perform "keep on knocking" off their new album "move like this," ladies and gentlemen, the cars. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ oh, well the long street goes for miles and miles ♪ and it's picking up some strangers ♪ and it's picking up some

smiles and the half breeds holler ♪ they're educated guesses and they got a lot of cheers you guessed it, you guessed it ♪ they keep you in follow mode, keep you in follow mode ♪ take the street you never road ♪ they keep you, that keep on knocking like the party's on ♪ they keep on knocking from dark till dawn ♪ well, i got some friends in random places ♪ all kinds of ideas, and all

kinds of faces ♪ they keep their ready shoes on, they keep their shirts on ice ♪ and they're looking to the future ♪ to loosen the vice ♪ they keep you in follow mode, they hold up their signs ♪ they keep you in follow mode most of the time ♪ they keep on knocking like the party's on ♪ they keep on knocking from dark till daw ♪

♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ they keep you in follow mode, they hold up their signs ♪ they keep you in follow mode most of the time ♪ they keep on knocking like the party's on ♪ they keep on knocking from dark till dawn ♪

♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the cars! the album is "move like this." we'll be right back! (cheers and appla

>> stephen: well that it's for "the report," everybody. before we go, i want to thank the cars. the album is entitled "move like